Original subtitles

(LIGHT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Last piece of Terrance's

sticky toffee pudding.

How can someone so bitter make something so sweet?

Hmm. You'll do.

(GASPS)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

I am not gonna be the first person in this house

to have a heart attack.

(SCREAMS)

(KETTLE WHISTLING)

(WHISTLING)

Who took the last piece of pudding?

I was saving that for my breakfast.

Isn't sticky toffee pudding more of a dessert thing?

At my age, I eat what I want when I want.

Doctors, dentists, alarming lab results be damned.

A ghost took it. It was last night.

Around midnight I came down to get some...

spoon.

And I saw someone in the reflection behind me,

but when I turned around they were gone.

What's this got to do with my pudding?

And why did you need a spoon?

To cuddle.

The point is, the figure vanished,

and so did your pudding at the same time.

Probably. (SCOFFS)

Well, it's possible you saw something, kiddo.

They say a notorious Victorian graverobber

used to operate in these parts.

Who knows where he kept his victims?

Well, that's easy. In our front hall.

That's the only thing that accounts

for the stench in there yesterday.

That might've been the brussels sprouts

you gave me for lunch.

(FLATULENCE)

Excuse me for a moment.

(FLATULENCE)

Okay, so, totally a ghost then.

That's that mystery solved.

But I don't want it to be a ghost, Danny.

There must be another explanation.

Knuckle up, softie.

You won't get far in life if you're scared

of every little thing that comes from beyond the grave.

Come on, Terrance.

The living dead pretty much freak out everyone.

Not me. Nothing scares me.

I'll put my money with my mouth is.

Anyone who frightens me gets this.

A coupon for refurbished underpants?

What? No.

50 pounds.

Easy money. I'm here!

(YELPS)

Flying cereal delivery. I love this house.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

So, do you believe I saw a ghost, Loren?

Mm, not really. Why believe in ghosts

when there's a better explanation for what you saw?

Which is? An invisible alien dolphin

that can only be seen in the surface of a spoon.

Maybe it's watching us now.

That's a little-- what's the British word--

ridiculous.

More ridiculous than a lost soul

wandering the material plane in search of puddings?

Point taken.

(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)

That was no alien dolphin...

unless you've learned ventriloquism,

and you're using it to prank me.

But I can't do ventriloquism.

(EERIE LAUGHTER)

(TOGETHER) It is a ghost!

# I've got a plan #

# I flew over the ocean to tell you how #

# Me and my fam #

# We caused a commotion #

# When we landed on my granddad #

# It's chaos at home but it's always fun #

# Fun fun fun fun #

# 'Cause you're never too old and you're never too young #

# Around here #

# So this is me #

# Just trying to keep it all together #

Wax on. Wax off.

Wax out.

Gramps, the ghost. It's true.

You've got to tell us what you know about the house.

Anything that might explain this haunting?

Well, it is an old house.

There could be otherworldly forces at play.

Do you believe in ghosts, then, Maury?

I didn't until one moonless night

I picked up a lady in white.

She asked to go to the cemetery.

But when I got there, the back of the cab was empty.

Were you scared? Scared?

I was furious. She owed me 12 quid.

That apparition and I have got unfinished business.

Unfinished business. That's it--plan.

We find out what our ghost wants

and help it move on to the spirit world.

Thanks, Gramps.

Asking her about my 12 quid while you're at it.

(MOANING)

Rainbow.

Are you communing with the spirit world?

No. Just singing to my geranium.

Anything I can help you with?

Maybe. Do you know how to investigate a haunting?

Well, I do have a book on it.

"Medium at Large" by HP Saltzman.

It covers every aspect of the paranormal from "Aah" to "Zuul."

"Chapter one: So you think you can seance.

How to speak to ghosts." Ghosts?

Ha. What a load of utter bilge.

The day I see a terrifying apparition is the day I--

(ROARS)

(SHRIEKING)

Danny. Glad you've accepted what you are--a clown.

Out of the way.

"Shark versus Penguin" is on the telly.

Did anyone find that scary?

I thought it was okay... for an amateur.

But if you want to see

Terrance squeal like a baby, you'll need a master.

It says here the first step

in locating a psychic disturbance

is reading the energy of the space.

Ooh, I can do that.

I sense anger, bitterness...

A great hostility.

Oh, wait. That's just Terrance.

Oh, something here.

That's close to where I saw it.

What do you feel?

Cold. So cold.

Oh, you're right.

I've only ever felt this kind of cold once before--

when I put all my liquid nitrogen in your freezer

and left the door ajar.

By the way, I put all my liquid nitrogen

in your freezer, and the door's ajar.

(THUMPING, SCRAPING)

What was that?

Came from the basement.

Maybe it's a giant spider. Or a massive rat.

Or a giant, massive spider rat.

Great. Now I want to check it out.

(EERIE MUSIC)

Hello? Danny? Spirit?

Spider rat?

Tell me if you see anything supernatural like ectoplasm.

What's that?

It's a sticky ooze left on objects

by passing spirits.

I think I found some!

(SNIFFS)

Who would've thought that ectoplasm

would smell of strawberry jam?

Oh, we should try it on toast.

What are you two doing here? Just sniffing the ooze.

Whose suitcases is that? That. It's uh--it's mine.

Going somewhere?

Yeah, because, uh,

I'm so freaked out by the sound I heard in the garden just now.

Super spooky. Made me want to move out.

You guys should go see.

The garden. Come on. Let's go.

Hang on, wait.

If you see a giant spider rat, grab it for me, okay?

Great White. Ha!

More like mediocre white.

That penguin is making mincemeat of it!

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

Watch this.

I've hidden a little surprise in Terrance's sweet tin.

The moment he opens it, he'll be several pounds lighter.

Because you won his money?

Oh, yes. That too.

(SQUEALING)

This may be harder than expected.

You know what we should do, Esther?

Look at the file of psychological weaknesses

I keep on everyone?

I mean--no, what?

Join forces, give Terrance a mega-scare,

and split the money 50/50.

80/20. 60/40 and it's a deal.

80/20 and you keep that hand.

Okay.

Hey, Gramps? Hi, kiddo.

Any luck question tracking down the ghosts?

We're getting close.

Danny thinks the activity might be centered around the garden.

That makes sense.

You know, all of this area was an ancient battleground.

They called it the Rotten Bog

on account of people hated it so much.

They say if you listen carefully you can still hear the war cries

of Celtic warriors on the wind.

(TERRANCE SCREAMING)

Who has used all the toilet paper?!

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Maybe there is

a perfectly reasonable explanation for it all.

Except, maybe, for that.

(GASPS)

Loren, come on, quick!

Coming!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Where'd it go?

Maybe it got beamed up.

Ghosts and aliens in one day-- my mind is officially blown.

Change of plan.

We can't handle this ourselves. We need backup.

Who are you gonna call? Who calls anymore?

I'm texting. HP Saltzman. Paranormal investigator.

(SPOOKY MUSIC)

HP Salzman, PPPPI at your service.

What do all the Ps stand for?

Professional personal private paranormal investigator.

Ooh, what's that? Can I fiddle with it?

No, that isn't paid for yet.

I mean, it's extremely delicate.

Now, I need some background.

Anything you could think could account for the disturbance?

Spider rats. Grave robber ghosts.

Ghostly graverobbing spider rats.

I knew it--this case could really save my reputation.

I mean enhance-- enhance my reputation.

You must really have nerves of steel

to live in a place like this.

Even the wallpaper makes my skin crawl.

Rude.

(EERIE MUSIC)

What's this?

Ah, spooky lighting.

I feel so terrified.

(CABINET DOORS SLAMMING)

(MOANING)

(GHOST WAILS)

Now I just feel pity.

Ow.

You'll have to do better than a few pieces of string

before you scare 50 pounds out of me, lad.

(CHUCKLES)

And you. You look scarier than that most mornings.

I will hear you scream, Terrance.

Oh, you'll regret it if you do.

Now get out of my kitchen!

Danny--what?

I don't want to know.

I've called a paranormal investigator.

They're setting up in the hall.

Why would you do that? Because of the ghosts.

You agreed there was a ghost, remember?

Why do you always take things too far?

You'll ruin everything.

Ruin what?

What are you up to, Danny?

Nothing. I mean, what if there isn't a ghost?

Did you think about that?

Well, if there isn't a ghost

then what's it doing right beside you?

Hello. (YELPS)

(SCREAMS)

(PANTING)

Please. You do not belong here.

Return to the place from whence you came.

Well, that would be very difficult.

Our return flights are not until Tuesday.

Wait, what kind of spirits book flights

to the netherworld's?

Oh, not the netherworlds-- the Netherlands.

We're sightseers Rotterdam.

Never lands? Rotting Dam?

That sounds pretty scary. Definitely ghosts after all.

I vote you run for it. Go! Go!

So, you're Dutch tourists.

That explains everything...

except what you're doing in our house.

But we rented your basement on WayStay. See?

Danny.

I may have slightly rented out my room for some extra cash.

I know. It's a shock. No.

The shock is that you didn't rent out my room as well.

I'm sorry, just a moment.

You did not know that we were staying here?

I mean, this is a very big mistake.

Yeah, and there's another big mistake setting up in the hall.

It's my last shot.

If I can prove there's a ghost here,

my reputation will be restored

and I can pay back all the money I borrowed for my equip--

um, so that should deal with the ghoul infestation.

Another happy customer.

Because I've detected so many ghosts.

Now, lead me to your apparition.

Actually, funny thing-- you'll laugh about this--

but it turns out that-- What?

There is a haunting, isn't there?

You haven't called me out for no reason?

Well, not exactly a haunting

because there are hauntings.

Tons of them.

Really? Oh, that is such a relief.

I mean, that's exactly what I expected

because I am a successful ghost hunter

who has definitely not had his book debunked

and his reputation ruined.

Okay. Cool.

And I definitely haven't gone into massive debt

buying all this equipment

so I can prove that ghosts really do exist.

That's reassuring. And if someone turns up

saying they're a debt collector who's on my tail

it's probably a ghost. So you should probably scream

really loudly and slam the door in their face.

Got it.

You keep setting up while we figure out what to do.

Did I miss something? Yes. There is no ghost.

That is a pickle. New plan.

We're gonna make this the most

haunted house in London.

(EERIE MUSIC)

Why should we help you pretend the house is haunted?

Turns out he's never actually detected a real ghost.

Come on, you know you'll help.

Gramps and Rainbow will do it because they're nice,

and you'll do it for a fiver.

I do like money.

I will take this towards our compensation.

Sounds fair.

While you're here, want to help pretend our house

is haunted so Mr. Saltzman doesn't lose his business?

Well, that is a kind offer, but in the circumstances,

I think we will pack our things

and leave this crazy house forever.

You are all very weird people.

Dunno what she means by that.

Okay, everyone, let's make like ghosts and haunt our own house.

Oh. Now I see.

First area of interest: the living room.

They say it's haunted by a weeping woman.

We call her Mona.

Getting something.

Sounds like a tone-deaf humpback.

It does, right? I mean, this way.

(MOANING)

A grave robber used to work around here in Victorian times.

They say when the wind is right you can detect

the stench of his unholy plunder just outside this door.

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)

You weren't kidding.

(FLATULENCE)

(BRASSY MUSIC)

My room's up here.

Is there such a thing as too much liquid nitrogen?

Nah.

There's weird, cold spots all over it.

Really, really cold spots.

I've never seen so many cold spots in one place.

(INSTRUMENTS BEEPING)

Wow. This is incredible.

There's so much activity.

I'm also picking up lip prints on this photo over here.

Are those from a ghost too?

Yup. Totally from a ghost.

I knew it.

This is the day I become a PPPPPI.

A premier professional personal private paranormal investigator.

Good for you. Now off you... go.

Do you see that?

See what? I didn't see anything.

A manifestation that only certain people can see.

It's the haunted house that keeps on giving.

It's like Halloween, Christmas,

and Talk Like a Pirate Day all rolled into one.

(YAWNS)

You know, it's getting late. Way past the spirit's bedtime.

I'm sure you've got enough evidence to leave now.

Not a chance.

This finally makes up for dropping out of law school.

That is terrifying.

I never hoped to find an apparition

so twisted and malevolent.

We could add violent to that list.

That's a chef, not a ghost.

Although, admittedly, equally scary.

What's through there? Nothing, just the basement.

There's a basement? Do not go down there.

What are you hiding? Must be good.

Or really bad. Give me a look.

Nope. There is only one way

to open this door, and that's through me.

Okay, maybe two ways.

Specters from the netherworld.

Netherlands. What is wrong with you people?

We said we would not pretend to be your silly ghosts.

What does she mean "pretend?" I can't wait any longer.

These brussels sprouts need to make an emergency exit.

The unholy stench.

Phew!

The tone-deaf humpback.

Does anyone know how to get liquid nitrogen

out of a lab coat?

The cold spots. You set me up.

Would you believe a ghost did it?

(SPOOKY MUSIC)

I'm so sorry, Mr. Saltzman.

I don't want to hear it. My life is ruined.

You're all terrible people.

Do you think I go into paranormal investigation

to look like a fool?

Do you really want an answer to that one, darling?

Not helping, Esther.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Another one of your hoaxes?

Please, Mr. Saltzman.

We only lied because we felt sorry for you.

Don't you dare feel sorry for me.

I am the great HP Saltzman, and nothing will stop me

proving the existence of the supernatural.

Saltzman.

Tracked you down at last. Time to pay your debts.

Ahh!

Nice try. This your stuff, is it?

No. It's, um--hers. Yes!

Aww.

Ghost hunting? (CHORTLING)

You must be having a laugh.

The paranormal is no laughing matter, sir.

(LAUGHING) Of course it is.

Specters, poltergeists, spooky little girls.

It's all nonsense.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

(RUMBLING)

Did you hear that?

(GROWLING)

(GASPS) Neptune save us.

(YELLS)

Spider rats!

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

(GASPING)

Run! You idio--

Mr. Saltzman, do something!

Okay.

(GROWLING)

That something is... run away!

I'll come with you!

He has the right idea.

Yeah, come on, Loren, run! Save ourselves.

And that is how you scare people.

(CHUCKLES)

Gullible twits.

Ah, don't they know there is no such thing as...

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Danny? Esther?

(TENSE MUSIC)

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