Original subtitles

Hello, and welcome to...

Pure hell.

It's "Special Forces Selection Week."

We start with...

A sparkly mermaid party dress.

Complete set for only 19.99.

Local news,

everything worrying where you are.

Wow, my thumb is exhausted.

Why hasn't anyone invented a way

to change channels with your mind?

Been a bit busy. It's on my list.

Young people... Ooh, that's us.

Scammers are operating in your area.

These scoundrels are tricking old people using

too-good-to-be-true schemes to take their cash.

So warn your oldies right now.

You could be the only thing that stops them

from getting scammed.

And remember, stay vigilant.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

Oh, yes, I was involved in an accident

that wasn't my fault.

We should warn everyone.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Hey, Gramps, the TV just said that--

You can get a sparkly mermaid party dress set

for only 19.99.

Also, there's a scammer in the area

preying on old people.

And you're worried about me getting hoodwinked, right?

If "hoodwinked" is British

for "getting scammed," then yeah?

You are a sweetheart, kiddo, but there's no need to worry.

I've been round the block a few times.

I know...in your taxi.

No, I mean I've picked up a few things.

Deliveries. Pizza. Scabies?

Life experience, and I'll tell you what.

Most people are lovely.

I've got a good sense for these things.

So there's no need to worry about me.

(TOILET FLUSHES) Oh-ho-ho-ho.

Nice toilet, Maury.

Strong flush. (CHUCKLES)

Um, who's this? Uh, this is Bill.

He works at the Grey Steel Modelling Agency for OAPs.

Older attractive persons.

And your grandfather is the perfect fit.

He spotted me in the street.

Says I could be huge. Right, Bill?

Right, Maury.

We are talking hip replacement brochures,

the relieved face of prune juice,

the star of adult nappy catalogues.

And just as soon as you pay your joining fee,

those big bucks will start rolling in.

Not guaranteed; the value of your investment may go down.

Grey Steel is not liable for any losses.

Wait a minute, joining fee?

Yeah, how much was it again?

Oh, just a mere 250 pounds.

250?

Oh, you'll make that back in no time.

Terms and conditions apply; always read the small print.

Some danger of serious injury and-or death.

Gramps, this is exactly what the TV was talking about.

Too good to be true, wants cash.

This is a scam.

Girls, please, what did I just say?

Oh, oh. You said, "Girls, please."

Uh, "Most people are lovely"?

Right, apart from those people

that park in a taxi lane.

Look, I know what I'm doing, kiddo.

Just be happy for your handsome old Gramps.

But-- Oi, Bill, here you go.

Oh, it's been a pleasure doing business with you.

No, no, no, no, no. The pleasure is all mine.

I'll show you out.

Oh, nice walk, Maury.

Hey, we should put you up for some pile cream ads.

So your Gramps is going to be a model.

Of course he's not. It's a scam.

I told him.

(HUMMING) What the--get off.

Just a minute.

I'm trying to find your name in a past life.

Get your cosmic buzzing out of my space,

you vibrating loon.

Well, it's not him.

There's a delivery for a Danielovitch Glickmanski.

And I thought, "What if it was one of us reincarnated?"

Right. Wait.

Danielovitch Glickmanski?

That's me. You remember your past life.

No, I remember entering a competition, lots of times,

using a ton of different names.

And it worked. I won a car.

I won a car!

A car?

Danny. What about climate change?

And pollution? You've got to be kidding me.

And having no driving license?

You don't have to worry about any of that.

Turns out I won second prize in the dumb competition,

a toy sports car.

You know, some of that could probably have gone

into the recycling.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Of course it's a scam.

Fake model agency?

It's right up there with "preapproved credit card,"

or "romanced by a traveling fish salesman."

How do you know so much about scams?

I could tell you,

but I'd have to wipe your memory...again.

You're far too suspicious, Esther.

Au contraire.

Most people aren't suspicious enough.

I met a lot of extremely dubious people

when I was a traveling fish sales...

Did you just say "traveling fish salesman"?

Of course not.

Everyone is out for themselves.

You can't trust anyone, darling.

Trust me.

Gramps, I'm with Esther.

I knew there was something fishy about that guy.

I'm going to call the cops.

No. No!

(DRAMATIC JAZZY MUSIC)

No need for the police.

Because Bill's not a scammer.

Trust me on this.

Fine, no cops, but only--

Only if, what?

Don't worry; it'll be fun.

And to recap,

don't trust strangers.

Don't give your bank details to fish salesman.

And if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably...

Dolphin? Loren?

Sorry.

Bad Mrs. Clickywhistle.

Then it probably is.

Like Loren's friendship with a cartoon dolphin.

It's so cute how she doesn't exist.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it. No, I'll get it.

Take a flyer and keep a lookout for sketchy people.

Thank you.

They'll just ignore you, darling.

Esther, you're wrong.

They were really taking it on board.

Nobody in this house will be getting scammed again.

Bye, Bill. Go in peace.

Not too awful to meet you.

Wait, Bill?

As in the "Grey Steel" guy, he came back?

Yes. Maury let on what an attractive bunch we are,

so he came back, especially to sign us up.

Tell me you didn't give him money.

No. Just my antique bell bracelet.

And Terrance gave him one of his gold teeth.

Pulled it right out.

Bill says I have a unique look.

Guys, come on. This is on your handout.

Once you've been scammed once, they will come back

and try to do it again.

I don't believe this.

I'll get your money and teeth back.

I just need a plan.

Goldie, stop.

Bill's not a scammer, just leave him alone, okay?

Don't do anything you'll regret, kiddo.

Sure, Gramps, I promise.

'Cause there's no way I'm going to regret this.

We are going to scam that scammer together.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

# I've got a plan #

# I flew over the ocean to tell you how #

# Me and my fam #

# We caused a commotion #

# When we landed on my granddad #

# It's chaos at home but it's always fun #

# Fun fun fun fun #

# 'Cause you're never too old and you're never too young #

# Around here #

# So this is me #

# Just trying to keep it all together #

No one scams my Gramps.

This is what we're going to do.

Oh, no.

(JAZZY MUSIC)

We are not doing anything

until you have learned the art of the scam.

I know about scamming.

Weren't you asleep during my lecture?

(SOBBING) Esther, are you okay?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm fine.

It's just, I've lost my handbag.

Could you lend me 2 pounds so I can get my bus?

Esther, your handbag's right there.

Oh, Mr. Traffic Warden,

oh, please don't give me a ticket.

No, Detective, I haven't got a clue

what became of my second husband.

Ta-da.

Oh, you're doing a-- that's good.

Okay. I don't how to do that.

I guess there are a few things you could teach me.

Darling, you don't know the half of it.

But you can learn.

(DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC)

Learn to cry.

Again.

Learn to talk fast.

(AIR HORN BLARES)

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pep--

Wait, that's not it.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pep--

Peter Piper picked a peck of...

Again.

When it all goes wrong, learn to make a speedy getaway.

Go. Look over there.

Whoa!

Again!

Look over there.

Whoa! Oof!

Test drives?

Auto fairs?

Senior motocross?

Why would these smog-pushers have me on their mailing list?

I may have entered that competition in your name too.

Good Gaia, Danny.

You're going to get me thrown out

of WorldHuggers International.

Look at this stuff.

All right, don't rub my face in what I could have won.

Oh, this is from the sports car competition.

Says you didn't win.

Well that's the one positive in all this.

First prize, car.

Second prize, limited-edition toy car...

worth 200 pounds?

Now you're interested in recycling.

(DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC)

Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager

managing an imaginary menagerie.

(TIMER BEEPS)

Again. Look over there.

Oh, yes! Mm.

You are ready.

For the final test.

How is a vase the final test?

The test, darling,

is using this vase to separate an idiot from his money.

There's your vase.

Now you've just got to find your idiot.

Where is it?

Where is it?

Where's what?

Your standards of basic hygiene?

What have you done to my kitchen?

Oh, so you love the kitchen, do you?

Well I'd love 200 pounds.

Tell me what you've done with my toy car or I'll--

I'll spill the beans.

Any bean that touches my floor

is your dinner

for the next week.

My car was in your trash can.

Well, isn't that a shame. (ENGINE REVVING)

I could have slung you in with it when I emptied it earlier.

Hark. Isn't that the bin lorry I hear?

Ahh!

Hey, watch out.

Oh, no, the very expensive vase

I bought Gramps for his birthday.

Gramps' birthday is in June. Oh, so what are you saying,

I can't buy someone I love a present in advance

when I see it and it's perfect for them?

Is that really the sort of message you want to send

to your only sister? Is that what you're telling me?

Um, no I--what?

(SOBBING)

I spent all my allowance on it.

Hey, wait. Don't cry, all right?

I'll pay for it.

I just got to run.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Hey, wait. Oh, Please.

Come back!

That car is worth 200 pounds.

Yes!

Goldie, you cheated your own brother.

I am so proud of you.

Bring it in, you big fraud.

Not bad. I think you're ready.

So let's do this. Let's scam Bill.

If anyone wants me, I'll be at the dump

digging through the trash.

I may be there a very long time.

Wow, he took being scammed really badly.

Okay, so the first thing we need to scam Bill is...Bill.

Any ideas how we find him?

Well, this is the tricky part.

Everything about him will be fake,

his phone number, his website, even his name.

Identities are easy to fake.

Or so I hear.

We're going to need CCTV footage of the street,

then we'll need facial recognition technology,

and a database--

Okay, Bill. Yeah, I'll have the cash.

250? No problem.

Great.

See you here tomorrow.

Bill says a photo shoot

will really kick-start our portfolios.

Yes!

I'm off to the bank.

Or we could just turn up to the photo shoot tomorrow.

I can't believe he's coming back for more.

That man has nerves of steel.

Grey Steel.

And we are gonna melt him down.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Oh, yeah.

Camera loves you, baby.

Work it.

Work it. And pose.

All right, give me a bit more attitude,

more attitude, that's it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, less attitude, less attitude.

Give me less attitude

Okay, and...pose.

Oh-oh-oh-oh, amazing, Maury, so angular.

(GROANS)

My hip's gone.

You're going to have to pop it back in again.

And...let's take five.

No liability accepted.

All models participate at their own risk.

Nearly there. Yeah, a bit to the left.

And rotate. Oh!

Ohh, that's the badger. Thanks, guys.

Ah, Alfred, Zain. You came.

Hey, Bill, these are my buddies from down the road.

And I'm thinking, Grey Steel's latest signings?

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

Oh-ho-ho-ho, hello.

I cannot believe this.

Bill isn't just scamming my Gramps.

He's using him to scam other people.

That guy is good, which is bad, obviously.

Okay, let's get this show on the road.

(DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC)

Goldie...

come to watch the magic?

Sorry, Gramps, I didn't realize you guys were in here.

I was going to use the living room

to tell Esther about my new business venture.

So intriguing.

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

The lobster is in the cheese shop.

I repeat, the lobster is in the cheese shop.

Sorry, I meant Bill overheard the business thing.

Cool. So we move to stage two.

Loren, box.

Good gracious.

You actually made one.

More than one.

I've got a manufacturer ready to roll.

Just, uh, read this and sign there.

The Solar Bowler. How does it work?

You wear it outside, the Sun charges it,

and when you get home, it powers your house.

So plausible.

And stylish. Go on.

A big supermarket just ordered a thousand of them

at 800 pounds a unit.

That could make me--

Quite a lot of money.

(LAUGHS) Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.

Looks like a great product you got here.

Thanks.

Trouble is, I need cash to make the solar hat fibers,

but the bank won't lend to a kid,

even though I'd pay them back ten times over.

Well, problem solved, darling.

I'll lend you the money.

Will 10 pounds do it?

Oh, thanks, Esther,

but I need a little more than that.

Maybe I could help out.

Um, just tell me a little bit more

about how this pays me back ten times over?

Goldie Glickman-Park.

What? Uh, look--

You invented a hat that could save the world,

and you didn't tell us?

Sweetie.

You don't need to ask a stranger to lend you money.

We'll invest in you.

Yeah, course we will.

I'm proud of you, kiddo.

No, Gramps, there's no need.

Maybe you generation isn't as useless

and pathetic as I thought... well, not quite.

Bill here says he'll-- Zain, Alfred,

you got any cash to invest in my genius granddaughter?

No, I'd like Bill's money. (GROANING)

No, Terrance. Not another tooth.

Ohh...

(seagulls squawking(

This is fine. This is totally fine.

The trauma will block these memories out anyway.

Except this.

I can't unsee this.

(GAGGING)

Terrance really needs to start carrying more cash.

I get it now.

We scammed all our friends' money off them

before Bill could get at it. So wily.

Yes. But no, we really need to return this cash.

Are you sure?

Because I have a Swiss bank account

where we could keep it very safe for everyone.

Oh, you people are no fun.

Come on.

We'll go find Gramps and his buddies.

Guys, I got to tell you something.

Hi, sweetheart.

come say hello to Tamsin from two doors down.

She's from the Neighborhood Watch.

Whoop.

As I was telling Mr. Glickman,

we've had reports of a scammer in the area.

Yes! Finally.

These guys don't believe me. His name is--

Yes, there she is.

That's the one who scammed us.

Calls herself Goldie.

What?

My granddaughter did not scam you.

So how come she took 200 pounds

for a techno hat that doesn't work?

My wife wore it all day,

and the only thing it generated

was an argument about giving teenagers

200 pounds for a techno hat.

That's enough. Outside.

Oh, they're already outside. That will save time.

Wait.

I have a confession.

So here's the thing.

I kind of did scam you.

But it was totally an accident.

I meant to scam someone completely different,

and I was going to pay you back.

No, don't take it.

It's a trick.

How is me trying to give your money back a trick?

I don't know. I'm not a scammer.

But everyone knows that once scammers have tricked you once,

they come back to scam you again.

(TOGETHER) Ohh.

That is what it says on your handout.

I was just trying to get Gramps' money back

from the real scammer, that guy, Bill.

Goldie, I said to leave Bill alone.

Come on Gramps, wise up. He's a fraud.

He runs a fake modeling agency

taking money off all these vulnerable old folks

saying they'll be the face of, like, denture cream or--

Maury, baby.

What did I tell you? Here you go, mate. Job done.

500 pounds. Whoo-hoo.

Eyewitness statements,

a confession, and an electric hat.

Anything to say in your defense?

Well, I...I...

well, yes actually, you've got this all the wrong way.

If anything, I'm the victim here.

File this case under a 4-5-0, I'll give you my 2-1s

and we'll reconvene on Tuesday; okay, great to see you.

Fast-talking doesn't work on the Watch, young lady.

But I was just trying to help my

poor old Gramps.

Look over there.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Eww.

I found a pound, okay, so all those hours

at the dump were worth it,

even the part where the rats licked my face.

Danny, it's a fake.

Makes sense, probably why it was thrown away.

Cool, cool.

(GAGGING)

Here's your dinner as promised, cold beans.

You and Goldie haven't had the best couple of days.

How could she think that nice Bill was a scammer?

Speaking of scammers, one just called me.

Kept calling me "Terrance Grumpman."

Tried to tell me I'd won a car,

but I hadn't entered any competition,

so I told him to get lost.

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is, right?

Ohh.

Sorry. I should have trusted you.

Yes, you should, but we all make mistakes.

How about we put it all behind us?

I would love that.

So, Gramps, what's new with you?

Well, I had a very interesting email

from Prince Edgar of Indobajzhan.

Apparently, he needs to move some gold from his country,

but he's not allowed to open a U.K. bank account.

Ahh!

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0