Original subtitles

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Target acquired.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) Also, can you turn that off?

It's super distracting.

But it's like "Mission: Impossible."

(MUSIC STOPS) No mission's impossible

when you've planned down to the last detail.

Three weeks of planning...

Two hours tangled in string.

But it'll all be worth it

when Shawn follows me on ClakClak.

So how are you going to get him to follow you?

Step one: Get rid of Esther.

That's your part. Oh, the clock.

(DEVICE VIBRATES)

(CLOCK DINGS)

Thanks for coming over, Shawn.

(CLOCK DINGS)

(GASPS) I'm late for the ring.

What ring? Did I say "ring"?

I meant circle, my sewing circle.

Hey, what's that?

Step two. Goldie.

Shawn! Listen, I've got some amazing news about ClakClak.

Did you know that they are giving prizes

to British boys-- ClakClak?

Oh, I'm on ClakClak. We should follow each other--

Um, yeah.

Okay! What's this about a prize?

Uh, nothing, forget about that.

Okay, cool. Um, laters.

(PHONE CHIMES)

It worked! It totally worked!

A bit easier than I expected, but it worked!

(EXCITING MUSIC)

Hoity-toity toast.

Pencil shavings and sugar.

Chicken and avocado on homemade focaccia

with pumpkin cr br .

Wow! That sounds nicer than usual.

Yeah, it's also a lie. It's leftovers.

Oh. Listen, I've got to go, so late.

Something is wrong with the clock in the hall.

It's totally messed up my morning.

(KISSES) See you later.

You look happy which means something is

about to go terribly, terribly wrong.

I'm smiling because Shawn is following me.

The last person that followed me met his end in a dark alley.

No, I was talking about being followed on social media.

So was I.

You have a follower? That's so cute.

Like you have so many more.

(GASPING) I didn't know numbers went that high!

How did you--

I post everything Terrance says.

People can't get enough!

His misanthropy is pure rage gold.

Misanthropy means hatred of people.

I know what misanthropy means.

Now.

If you're going to whisper, find yourselves a library

and check out a book on manners.

Pure rage gold, and I'm going to take it

all the way to the bank.

"Danny may have the most followers,

"but I have the cutest!

#Shawn, #FutureMrGlickman-Park,

#Feminism, #DatButtTho."

I think it must be time to get a hearing aid.

I'm just DMing Loren on ClakClak.

Oh, I see. My ears are fine.

You're just speaking in tongues.

It's a social media app, Gramps.

You should download it and also get a phone to put it on.

Why do I need a phone when I got this?

A receding hairline?

My mind, that's where I keep all my memories,

and if I ever need more storage space,

well, I'll just forget about the 1980s.

Come on, Gramps.

Selfie!

You just have to think inside the box.

Technology is the best way

to connect with the world around you.

Ooh!

Sometimes literally. Ouch.

#Chillin'It&Killin'It.

Ah, Loren! Sorry, it's just

I haven't heard from you all morning.

I thought you'd been abducted by aliens.

(SPACE MUSIC) Why would you assume that?

Because a zombie apocalypse would have made the news.

Well, when you say it like that--

Wait, you have heard from me.

I sent you a ClakClak about Shawn.

Don't think so.

Mmm, no.

So if you didn't get my message, then what did I--

no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I sent it to Shawn!

Potentially bad. Oh!

Unless it was an innocent message,

it wasn't in any way embarrass--

Ah! "#DatButtTho"? Seriously?

(ERROR CHIMES)

Why isn't it deleting?

And why don't you look surprised?

Because I'm not a ClakClak newb.

Only the person who gets the message can delete it.

No. In this case,

the future Mr. Glickman-Park. (CRIES)

I am glad he's taking your name,

by the way, very progressive.

The moment Shawn sees that message,

my life is over!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

# I got a plan #

# I flew over the ocean #

# To tell you how me and my fam #

# We caused a commotion #

# When we landed on my granddad #

# There's chaos at home #

# But it's always fun # (AIRPLANE WHOOSHES)

# Fun, fun, fun, fun # (HORN HONKS)

# Because you're never too old #

# And you're never too young #

Not around here!

# So this is me #

# Just trying to keep it all together #

There's no way Shawn

hasn't read my message by now.

New plan, I'm moving back to the States and living off-grid.

Can I come too? Ooh!

We can get a family of survivalists to take us in.

I'll search how to cook squirrels.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Don't be Shawn, please don't be Shawn.

Shawn, hi!

Hey, Goldie. Is, uh, is my Gram around?

Maybe. Esther!

And since we're asking totally innocent questions,

have you looked at ClakClak today?

No, I never check my phone before a game.

78% of tennis is mental.

I've always said tennis was mental!

In a good way.

Oh!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(QUIETLY) #DatButtTho.

I was looking at his phone.

I was! Okay?

New, new plan:

We grab his phone and delete the message before he sees it.

Cancel the squirrel-cooking lessons.

My life might not be over.

Biscuit?

Oh.

Oh! Ooh!

Sorry! I was just--

Pretending to be a cushion.

We're all hoping it's just a phase.

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

(QUIETLY) How can we make him stand up now?

I have an idea. Go for the phone on my signal.

Mouse! Oh!

The rodent uprising has begun!

Little help here? Yeah.

Ooh!

Sorry! I'm okay!

Tea break, Terrance? I know you Brits like your tea.

We also like rain and emotional repression,

but I can't say no to a cup of tea.

(ELUSIVE HIP-HOP MUSIC)

(SPITTING) Are you trying to poison me, lad?

You wouldn't be the first, and you won't be the last.

It's full-body cleansing tea.

Your bowels will thank you tomorrow.

My bowels thank no man, and when I'm done

in the toilet, neither will you.

But my followers will. (LAUGHS)

Thank you, Shawn, dear.

Sorry for all the distractions today.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Good luck at your tennis match.

Aw, this is nice.

Hugging isn't a thing at our house.

We share our love through stern looks.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

This has been...weird. Bye.

Good news, got the phone. Great, give it here.

Bad news, it's pass-coded.

Well, I guess we can figure that out.

Um, did I mention the really bad news?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

We smashed it.

(MYSTERIOUS JAZZ MUSIC)

Burglary, is it, now?

I knew I should have put a lock on the spatula drawer.

I'm not stealing, Terrance.

I'm bringing harmony to the kitchen

by getting rid of anything that doesn't give me the feels.

Oh, I think this will definitely give you the feels--

Wait, the tea, this hippie mumbo jumbo,

are you trying to annoy me, lad?

Me? Of course not! I just--I've just been--

Ugh, I've just been recording everything you say

and uploading it to ClakClak.

We're so close to being influencers.

That's where the big money is.

There's a whole world out there waiting for you to insult them.

Come on, how good does that sound, money for misery?

You've got my attention, lad. So, how does this work?

Well, uh, why don't you just be yourself?

Maybe give our followers a bit of advice about their lives.

Advice? (LAUGHS) I can do that all right.

Listen up, sheeple.

Getting likes on your little screen

doesn't mean anyone likes you.

Everyone you will ever meet

will let you down so hide your hopes,

bury your dreams in the deepest pits of your soul.

Do that, and you'll be fine, just like me.

You are so broken.

I love it! (LAUGHS)

(PHONE CHIMES)

Almost as much as I love hitting influencer level!

Terrance! We're social media rock stars!

We've got to celebrate.

I am celebrating.

Can't you see?

Step one: We crack the passcode.

Step two: We delete the message.

Step three: We fix the phone.

Step four: We dance.

Full disclosure, I only know how to do step four.

Step one can't be hard.

There are only 10,000 possible combinations.

Ooh, I hope it's a prime number.

Maybe it's a number that means something to him,

like his birth date. Try 12-29.

Wait, there's a 29th month now?

Can we call to Dodecanovember?

No, it's 29-12 in the U.K.

Do you do anything that's not weird in this country?

We don't usually smash people's phones

when we want to date them.

Ouch! Sorry, we also do sarcasm.

Okay, birthday is not working. Let's start from the bottom.

0000. No.

0001. No.

0002.

0003.

0004.

Please stop.

What we really need is someone who knows

the workings of Shawn's mind better than anyone.

(MYSTERIOUS TONES)

Ah!

Girls! You caught me...

checking out my broken brick collection.

I thought I was the only one who had one of those.

We don't care about your bricks, Esther.

We just want to ask you a few questions about Shawn.

Sorry, darling, I'm late for the post office.

Maybe later. We don't have time for later.

Loren, cover the door.

You really think you can stop me?

How about we help each other out?

I got an idea.

Thanks for driving us, Gramps.

Always happy to help, which is exactly what I said

to the woman who gave birth back there.

Ah, the miracle of life!

And vinyl seat covers.

Okay, now we've got you a lift to your appointment,

let's focus on Shawn and not what we're sitting on.

What are the last four digits of his parent's home phone?

What was his win-loss record in tennis last year?

What is his pant size?

Five, nine, eight, four, 16 and 2, 28 by 34.

Uh, what about-- 93,

the number of girls who are interested in Shawn?

And zero, the number I approve of.

We've already tried zero. I mean, go on.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Terrance, have you seen my-- what are you doing?

Checking our ClakClak feed.

You've caught some great moments.

No, I mean, what are you doing with your face.

Oh, I remember this! It's smiling.

I must be enjoying this ClakClak business

more than I thought.

Okay, well, lose the smile

because it's time to feed the feed.

Get your grump on!

Got you. (GRUNTING)

Now tell us what you think of three-ply tissue.

It's too soft, like a-- like a--well,

something else that's too soft. Hipsters?

They really like oiling their beards.

Smartphones? All they're good for

is making everything more convenient.

How was that? I have some notes,

mainly that it was terrible!

We need you on your A game if we're going to stay on top.

Ah, don't worry, Danny boy.

Everything will work out fine. (LAUGHS)

Oh, first time I've seen these teeth in years.

There's 100,

the percent of times Shawn should be devoting

to his studies, tennis, and his grandmother.

Oh, and there's 95.

The age Shawn will be when you let him start dating?

The address I'm going to.

There's no need to stop. I'll just tuck and roll.

Spoil sport.

Wait! Any other numbers

that we need to know for no particular reason?

Yes, 3, the number of hours

you've got until Shawn comes looking for his phone.

You know about the phone?

If you'll excuse me, I'm late for my club.

What club is this, Esther?

Sorry, first rule is, can't talk about it.

(MUFFLED) Toodles!

Hello.

Oh, quick, both of you give me four numbers,

anything! (ERROR CHIME)

Ah! It's locked up!

It's trashed, and it's locked up.

What are we going to do?

So do you want to tell me what's going on?

Nothing much. I just wanted Shawn to like me.

So I sent him an embarrassing message about his butt,

then smashed his phone.

Smooth. Told you, sarcasm.

What if we hack into the phone

with cables and wires and computers?

That sounds great! Tell me more.

I was hoping you'd tell me more.

You're the science-y girl.

I am, but a phone this busted?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, can't help.

But I have a friend who could.

Yes! On the other side of town.

No. The other side of London

is no bother when you've got the knowledge.

I have knowledge.

I know how many years

I'm going to spend in hiding

if I don't get into this phone

and delete my message.

The knowledge of London, kiddo.

It's what all cabbies need to memorize

to get their licenses. It's all up here.

I want your brain, and I have the perfect job for it.

That's great, Gramps, but we're on a time limit here.

We've only got three hours. We need technology.

Loren, GPS us.

36 Buckminster Court.

In 200 meters, turn left.

At this time of day, with roadworks

on Petherton Road and Arsenal playing at home?

Gramps, please!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

What's this?

An affront to humanity,

something you'd give your worst enemy?

(UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

Wonderful! I love being an influencer.

You badmouth everything, and people send you free stuff.

Finally found my calling.

Yeah, if the calling is selling out your principles.

In 800 meters, turn right.

That is a bridge too far.

There's a much closer bridge right over here.

Technology never steers us wrong.

Well, maybe you can get your technology

to get us out of this.

Wait, what? But there's no time for this!

We got to--we--

We've only got two hours left. Gramps,

any chance that knowledge can still get us there?

Well, I don't know, Goldie. You've been pretty clear

my mind can't compete with your techno gizmoids.

You're right, Gramps. I'm sorry.

GPS, give us an alternate route.

Turn left. No, hang on, what you doing?

Oh, just putting my faith in technology.

Unless you want to prove me wrong?

Turn left. Turn left.

Fat chance, robot brain.

Hang on.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Turn right. Turn left.

Turn back. Turn back.

Turn back! (TIRES SCREECH)

We're hemorrhaging followers. We need to stem the flow stat!

You need to relax a bit, laddie.

No! You need to get tense.

You need to get very, very tense.

Which is why I brought in the three things you hate the most:

avocado toast,

the opinion section of the newspaper and Tim,

the telemarketer who calls every night.

Hello. Have you considered

the joys of urban chicken farming?

Come on. How does this make you feel?

I feel...

I feel...

nothing! What's happened to me?

(SIGHS) Hope happened, Terrance.

You're right.

ClakClak gave me expectations, dug up my dreams.

What's this emotion I'm feeling?

Please say it's salty rage

against millennial brunch choices.

No, it's shame.

Don't look at me!

So is that a no to the chickens?

There it is, number 36.

In your face, GPS! (DESCENDING CHIMES ON PHONE)

And my GPS app just deleted itself.

Well, it's smart enough to know when it's beaten.

Love you, Gramps.

(KNOCKING)

Hi, Nour. This is Goldie.

Hi, sweetie. We're looking for a tech genius.

Is your brother and/or sister home?

I'm an only child, "sweetie."

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just wasn't expecting you to be so, uh, compact.

We need help, Nour. We've got a locked phone,

a busted screen, and zero time. Can you fix it?

Step inside my workshop.

Not a word.

(DOOR CREAKS)

How long is this going to take?

(DEVICES WHIRRING) For most, a day or two.

For Nour-- Done.

Not only did I reset the passcode, which was 0005...

(SIGHS) I also replaced the screen,

deleted a very embarrassing ClakClak

about bottoms... (CLEARS THROAT)

And made a few minor modifications.

How minor?

It's fixed! Step four: We dance.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

There's no way I can give this back to Shawn!

(MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS) Aborting dance.

So what are you going to do?

The only thing I can do.

Yeah, pay me for my work.

I accept most major credit cards

and a variety of sweets and sherbets.

Time to tell Shawn the truth.

You're doing the right thing, kiddo.

Do you need backup?

Thanks, but I need to do this alone.

That's a relief.

I've seen enough tragedy in my time.

Yeah, good luck.

I'll be around to help you pick up the pieces.

Tomorrow, by phone, from Guatemala.

Hi, Shawn. Bye, Shawn.

Hey, Goldie. Have you seen my phone?

I think I've left it here somewhere.

About that.

Uh, what happened was, uh-- Shawn, dear.

I picked up your package from the post office.

Ah, brilliant. That'll be my new phone.

Your new what?

Oh, I ordered a new phone when I smashed the screen

on my other one a few days ago.

It was already busted?

What do you mean? Uh, nothing.

(SPEAKING UNEVENLY) Uh, I just hate

hearing about damaged technology.

I mean, your poor broken phone.

What's happened to your fingers?

Oh, uh, just an incident with Mrs. Wainthorpe

and an ironing board.

You need to be more careful, Gram.

It's fine. You should see Mrs. Wainthorpe.

I'll see you later. Bye, Goldie.

Bye, Shawn.

You saw the panic we were in over this phone.

Why didn't you tell us it was already broken?

Fun and giggles, darling,

and to give you a taste of what happens

to people who try to get close to Shawn.

(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)

I told you something would go terribly, terribly wrong.

Sit down, Terrance. I have news.

Is this the last of the salted caramel swirl?

I'm shutting down our ClakClak account.

That's nearly as bad. Why?

We haven't posted anything in four hours.

That's like 400 years in social media time.

We lost all of our followers to a backflipping cat.

Four hours? (LAUGHS)

I've had bathroom breaks longer

than your generation's attention span!

I'm back. Come on, laddie.

Let's get back online

and sock it to those little ingrates.

Sorry, Terrance.

I've just had an idea for a new account.

(GUITAR MUSIC)

Drumroll.

The person who gets to pick the movie

and set the thermostat for tonight is...

Dad. Yes! We're hitting the 40s.

For the movie? The temperature

in Celsius. both: Ugh.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Huh, someone is big on ClakClak,

probably a stilt-walking dog.

What's this?

#ShockedSis?

What can I say? You're going to be huge!

(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS) And another.

I wonder if Shawn would like to follow this account.

I don't know. Let's send him a message.

(LAUGHING) Danny!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

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