Original subtitles

What is up with these huskies?

If they're not howlin', they're yowlin'.

And I walked them for over an hour.

Yeah, but did you do a Patel walk,

where you just go down to the bench

and watch Netflix on your phone?

No. My cell service was being weird.

They're bored. Huskies are a working breed

that gain purpose by generating income for others.

I think the one in kennel 3 has perfect pitch.

Like a young Mariah Carey.

But yeah, we should probably tire them out.

Welcome to the first annual chair-ditarod,

which is totally for the dog's benefit.

Remember, Frank, this is a snow sport.

It's my natural habitat.

Yeah, but I've read every Jack London book

at least twice, usually during a cold plunge.

So, prepare to suck it.

Okay!

First one to complete a loop out to the street,

around the smoothie shop and back wins.

Bonus points if you make it over the teeter-totter.

Take your marks.

Get set.

Mush!

Ugh!

I spit my blood further, I win.

*

You gotta make sure you poop too.

What are you guys looking at?

Second Tuesday of every month.

Kitty litter delivery guy. Mm-hmm.

* Yeah, babe *

* I'm checking you out

* Looks like you're checking me out too. *

Oh, my.

Sorry, honey.

No, I get it. Dude's a beefcake.

Mr. Fake Muscles? You know it's all steroids.

Looks like an East German track and field star.

And I bet he could shot put me.

Imagine it.

Rolling me up into a little ball,

cradling me in the nape of his veiny neck,

and then just... hurling me around the room.

Yeah, until his heart explodes.

Don't change the channel, Frank.

Oh! Dr. Moore.

As our resident veterinarian,

can I get your opinion on a troubling animal?

Do you think Brett, the delivery guy, is juicing?

Whatever he's doing, it's working.

- Am I right? - Oh, yeah.

This guy gets it.

It's a big order.

What are you feeding these cats?

Steroid-free diet.

We don't cut corners around here.

At least I don't. I keep it natural.

Seriously. Test me.

I'll give you a cup of clean urine.

That looks really heavy.

Yeah. He does seem to be struggling.

Step aside as the last honest man lightens your load.

Oh, you don't have to--

I'd let him club me in the head and drag me back to his cave.

You should ask him out.

You've been complaining you haven't had a date

since you became a pig mom.

I prefer the term P'MILF.

Okay? And...

yeah, the swine is cramping my style.

I'm in a dry spell.

You know who I've got my eye on?

For completely different reasons.

Dr. Moore.

He seems like such a good hang.

I still haven't made a friend since my family left,

and he'd be perfect.

He's cool, he's got a solid fist bump technique.

Mets fan, so he loves an underdog.

We can't just stand here in front of our dream guys.

Let's ask them out.

Okay. I'm in if you're in.

But what would I even say to him? I mean,

do you think you can help me come up with some icebreakers?

Dang. She's quick.

Hey. How's it going with your big load?

Oh, faster than usual.

Looks like I picked up an assistant.

Do not encourage him.

Anyways, I was thinking seven.

A seven what?

7:00 PM is when you can pick me up for our date.

- Yeah? Okay. - Yeah?

- Yeah. Yeah, sounds great. - Okay.

Brett! Another bag ripped.

What kind of scam are you running?

Ignore the old man.

He yelled the same thing at a Girl Scout.

Look at that cool cat weighing a bunch of cool cats.

Yep. These are the ones we found in that

thrift store donation box.

Nice, nice.

Hey, listen, I was thinkin'...

How would you feel about a little post-work hang?

I mean post-work today. Not when we retire.

Oh, I'm on call.

Yeah, no, I understand.

I could do something in the neighborhood.

Really?

That'd be great.

I'll think of something you'll love.

Sorry. I'm sterile for the cats.

Just, um...

do one of these.

Sweet, bro. Cool, cool. See ya.

Technically, he's a pig,

but his vibe is very Labrador

and-- hello?

Oh, man.

Are you okay?

No.

Not a single dog hotel in town will take Piggy tonight

so that I can go on my date.

My only option is

to dress him like a person and try a regular hotel.

I'm sorry. I'd offer to help,

but some approachable hottie asked me on a date.

It's Shred. He's taking me to dinner.

That's right.

They said we couldn't go the distance, but here we are.

Big four-year anniversary.

Of the day we met.

We've only been dating for 25 weeks.

But, you know, Shred wants to make it special.

And it will be. Now...

I'm gonna go clean out my car.

Because I know my lady likes a tidy chariot.

I do.

Wow.

So, Shred planned a date. Where's he taking you?

Trampoline park?

No, he's taking me to Il Sorpasso.

Wait, stop! The place is so fancy.

A lot of the married men I dated got engaged there.

Mhm. Okay.

You don't think that Shred's

gonna pop the question tonight, do you?

What? No!

No, it's way too soon.

I mean, is it for him?

He's a corny romantic, and...

he's had all those concussions

so he has impulse control issues.

Oh.

Hey, Frank. Um...

This is crazy, but Shred hasn't said anything in the truck

about proposing to me, has he?

Possibly, but I've gotten so good at tuning him out.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Frank.

That was five percent too chipper. What do you want?

You're the only one not going on a date tonight.

Can you please watch my pig

so that I can go out with Hunky Brett?

Why do you wanna date that artificially enhanced goon?

'Cause he's freakin' huge?

And why do you care who I go out with anyway?

Are you jealous?

The only person I've ever been jealous of is Teddy Roosevelt

and maybe some of his Rough Riders.

Just pig-sit, please!

I haven't been on a date since I got Piggy. Come on.

I'll do your paperwork for a week.

- One year. - One month.

Two months.

Deal. Insanely unfair but accepted deal.

This is my first night away from Piggy, so I need you

to send me pictures so that I know he's okay.

Pictures? Three months.

Extorting a single mom.

Wow.

They name laws after villains like you.

Marry me?

Yes! Yes.

Aww. That's so nice.

- It is. - Isn't it, though?

Um, it's a little showy, but--

No. It's perfect.

Oh! Whoa, no.

We didn't, we didn't order this.

Ah, but we did, my darling.

I thought it'd be nice to have something festive

to toast with.

Now, if you'll allow me to get serious.

Oh... 'kay.

Thank you so much.

- To us. - Mhm.

I know our journey hasn't been the most traditional.

From secret yearning, to secret dating, to...

being publicly outed and your subsequent suspension.

But you know what?

- I wouldn't change a thing. - Aww, same.

I mean, I could've done without the suspension, but, yeah.

- Um, cheers to that. - Oh!

- I'm not done yet. - Oh?

This past year was the best of my life

and I am so excited for our future.

Me too, as well.

But I have to go to the bathroom, so...

Sorry, one sec.

So, Shred is gonna propose tonight.

Congratulations, girl!

Uh, what? No, it's too soon.

Well, do you want me to fix your hair?

Uh, no. Get outta here, please!

Okay, and you're sure he's proposing?

Like 92 percent sure.

Oh, crackers, he's fiddling with something

in his jacket pocket.

Okay, now I'm 99 percent sure.

Describe the room to me.

Is there anything that can be used as an escape exit?

Like, I don't know, a window or an AC duct.

I can't just bail.

Actually, uh, I'm sorry to ask this on your one pig-free night,

but could you come crash my date?

Are you insane? You've seen Brett's arms.

Okay, hear me out.

If Shred asks, I'll have to say no

because I'm not ready.

And he'll say, that's fine,

but we both know it won't be fine

because he'll suddenly be second-guessing

our entire relationship.

And I really don't want him to do that

because I really love being with him.

But he won't propose if you're here, so...

Can you come save my relationship?

Do you mind if we make a quick pit stop?

I just have to help my best friend ruin her proposal.

I'll be really, really quick.

Cool.

Brett says "cool".

Forty-seven, forty-eight,

forty-nine, fifty.

Yeah.

All right, here we go.

Let's send mommy a proof of life of life thirst trap.

D'aww! That's a winner.

Or do you like this one better?

Nah. Nailed it. Sending.

Is it just me, or are the seat warmers on?

- No, seriously. Yeah. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Let me make sure these are-- - If those-- yeah.

I'm so sorry. Can you give me one second?

Frank's pig-sitting. Frank speaking.

Hi. I think you accidentally sent me

your Farmer's Only dating profile pic.

Is my Piggy good or what?

Well, you said send pictures, so I sent you a photo of us

in an unguarded moment. He's fine.

- Really? - Yeah, really.

Please take good care of him.

Because he's the number one piggy in all the land!

And I love him so much!

That's something that I say to him.

And you can do that too--

What was that?

Uh, yeah, okay. Um... Well, I gotta go.

Bad pig!

Oh, you ingested enough HGH to keep an entire Gold's Gym

jacked for a month.

Piggy, stop!

Doc, Hopper, take cover! He's hulking out!

*

Oh! Don't go, don't go!

Can we have another one? We just love live music.

Maybe we should share the violinist with some

of the other tables.

No, they can hear. The acoustics are amazing.

Yes!

Another one? Wow.

I thought there was a dating crisis in this country.

Emily!

Oh, my God!

Victoria?

What? This is such a small world.

Hey, uh, what are you doing here?

I just heard it was really good.

Oh, wow.

And you were able to get reservations?

'cause I had to book these weeks ago.

You know Brett?

You know, I know Brett, but I don't, like, know Brett.

So, you know, why don't you guys just pull up a chair

and, um, join us?

Oh, thanks.

I don't think they do that here.

It's fine. We'll just tip 30 percent.

Mind scoochin' over?

So cozy.

I know Uncle Frankie's beefcake juice is making you

feel really good about your body right now,

but you need to calm dow-- ahh!

Heel! Stop!

Piggy, come on!

I know you feel awesome.

You look great.

Come on! Come on!

Doc, Hopper!

Don't engage! He's nuts!

Are you taking me to a Mets bar?

Yeah! You haven't been?

That's crazy.

First round's on me.

They got this cocktail named after Darryl Strawberry.

It's a mango margarita.

I'm joshing. It's a daiquiri.

Oh, I can't drink. I'm on call, so.

I won't tell if you don't.

I haven't really watched baseball

since my stepdad moved out.

Really?

Why did I think you were such a big Mets fan?

I don't know.

I haven't thought about my stepdad in a long time.

Oh, Frank's having a pig emergency.

He can be a bit dramatic about these things.

We should just go to the bar, order us some cheese piazzas,

and then we'll reevaluate.

Sorry, Patel.

Duty calls.

It's kinda why I wanted to take two cars.

I'll drive.

You got this guy all night, brother.

- Rolling to a second location. - Wow.

Okay, so back to the kitty litter.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Would your company ever consider doing any high-end scents?

So, here's the thing about cats,

is that they don't actually really like scents.

- Oh. - No way!

- Yeah. - What the hell?

Uh, sorry, I have to make a call, I'll be right back.

It's a nice place.

My sister got engaged here.

Oh.

Frank.

Why is Dr. Moore asking for my pet insurance?

Well, he wasn't supposed to do that.

Put Piggy on the phone, please.

Oh, he's all curled up in a nap right now.

I got this. You go enjoy your date with Bane.

No.

Guys, um...

I have to go. Piggy's in trouble.

Oh. Well, good luck. Drive safe.

You guys be good.

- Uh, we should go, too. - What?

Yeah, I think this is an all hands-on-deck situation.

Yeah, sure. Let's all go.

- Come on! - Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh... my.

Okay, I'm getting less cool with that.

It's okay, little buddy.

Thanks, Frank.

Totally doc-blocked me.

There's no puns in this house. Get out.

How's Piggy doing?

Overall, vitals seem stable.

Uh, his pulse is a little high.

Pig!

You're a dead man, Frank.

Hi, baby! Hi.

Relax. Pigs can eat anything.

They famously consume entire murder victims.

What exactly happened?

Well, he was rooting around in my dopp kit.

- And what do you keep in there? - Oh, like...

skin care lotions, liquid iron, and...

there's...

No, that's it.

Frank, I will kick you.

Tell us what the pig ate, Frank.

I mean, was it... beard dye?

I bet it was Viagra.

We remember what happened with Julie S.

Ozempic makes so much sense.

HGH!

The pig ate my human growth hormone.

What?!

Oh...

Oh, Frank.

This was actually good news.

Growth hormones are species specific.

- Ah! - In this case,

a sad, sad human.

If you were gonna alter yourself, Frank,

you should've started with your personality.

Well, I have heard it can make you very emotional.

Well, that has not been my experience.

Okay, Em, let's go back to Il Sorpasso.

I wanna do the thing

where I sniff a wine cork and then nod.

Uh, you know, do you mind if we just stay here?

'Cause, you know, Victoria might need something.

Okay. What is up?

Because you've been acting weird all night.

You obviously invited Victoria and the hunky delivery guy

to our romantic dinner.

And then before that, you kept sneaking off to the bathroom.

Which was cute at first,

but then very concerning.

All the hallmarks of a raging UTI.

I thought you were gonna propose.

What?

I wasn't gonna propose. It's too soon.

Oh, thank God. I was...

I was terrified.

You were terrified of spending the rest of your life with me?

No. Not terrified.

More like...

worried or very scared.

So, terrified.

No. But you agree with me? It's too soon, right?

I mean, we've only been out as a couple for a few months.

We're still in the honeymoon period.

Well, the honeymoon period's feeling

a little rough right now.

Lot of assumptions.

Lot of wasted prepaid appetizers.

Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

But you see how I got there, right?

I mean, you're a romantic,

and you can be kind of impulsive because the...

Because of the what?

Victoria mentioned your concussions.

I don't see that at all.

Like, I don't see that--

Once again, wow.

Okay, clearly this was a misunderstanding,

now I'm just making it worse.

So, can we just pretend like this dinner never happened?

No! Because I'm hungry.

And I'm going back

for the prix-fixe that I paid for.

The what? The--

My sweet little muscle beach baby.

You're so cute.

Don't worry, we're gonna flush out those

toxins so you don't get too big and strong.

- Hey, um... - Oh, hi.

Uh, I think I'm gonna head out.

Seems like you got your hands pretty full over here.

No, no, he's doing great.

I just have to give him a pig suppository in 20 minutes.

Yeah, I just, I think we're in two different places right now.

Not to sound like an idiot or anything, but...

I just wanna work on my body and have sex.

Yeah, I also wanna work on your body and have sex.

Goodbye, Victoria.

No, wait. Wait!

You put Piggy in danger and you ruined

my first chance to have sex in, like, weeks.

Great service. Do you accept tips?

Well, you distracted me

with all your helicopter mom check-ins.

And if you're that worried,

maybe you shouldn't be going out on dates with a cantaloupe

wearing a mullet wig.

You're so hung up on Brett.

Well, it's hard not to stare, because at some point,

he's gonna pop, and I don't wanna miss it.

Just admit it. You're jealous.

You're jealous and I know why.

It's because of what happened at the hotel in Bellingham.

All I remember from that hotel in Bellingham is winning

officer of the year and being a shirtless hero to my people.

You don't remember your room?

Where we almost kissed?

Okay. We're talking about it.

Yeah, we're gonna talk about it.

You leaned in.

You grossly misremember. You leaned in.

I did not lean in. I don't lean in.

You were like...

No. You were like...

Victoria, I'm having a relationship moment.

Can we just talk it out real quick?

Frank, I'm glad you're here too.

Oh, I love being cornered and supporting my friends.

- Okay, so I feel like-- - You messed up.

He has a right to be mad. Just apologize.

Honestly, I'm-- I just-- I do not have the energy

to girl down with you on this right now.

I have a pig who needs meds, and let's just say

it requires a rubber glove.

I'm sorry about that.

And sometimes I do dye my beard.

Thanks for coming with me, man, I needed this.

I mean, Emily acted like me proposing belonged in

a Saw movie or something.

We both struck out.

I can't believe Dr. Moore ditched me.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I keep a man?

Nothing is wrong with you, okay?

You're lonely, your family's out of town, that's all.

You know what's gonna take me outta this?

Turn it right around?

That steak Fiorentina.

- Mm-hmm. - I mean, I'm salivating

just thinking about--

Okay.

Got it.

Let me save you some time and go ahead and dump myself.

I promise we'll hang out soon, buddy.

Man, it is tough out there.

Hi.

Hello.

First of all, I owe you an apology.

I'm so sorry.

I should never have called Victoria to come here.

I should've just been honest with you.

I just was worried.

Terrified. You said terrified.

Yeah. Okay. I also just said I was sorry.

Can you just give us, like, one minute?

Maybe read the room, man.

I was panicked, okay?

Because I love where we are right now,

and I love where I think we're going,

and I don't wanna skip any steps.

And if you did, maybe it meant that we weren't

on the same page, and that was really terrifying because...

I just, I really want this to work.

I really want this to work too.

Good!

Um, because you made me realize something.

I am ready to take that next step.

So...

Shred Purnell Taylor,

do you wanna move in with me?

Yes!

- I do! I really do. - Yeah? You do?

Mmm! What?

Oh, sorry. I didn't order this.

- I did! - Oh.

Thank you.

I met her in the bathroom. I don't know.

Oh, hey.

I didn't realize you were pulling an all-nighter.

Keep it down. He finally crashed.

And you know what they say. Let sleeping pigs lie.

Yeah, I just got Hopper and Doc Whiskers down.

Tonight was a lot of excitement.

Like when the mailman and the UPS guy

showed up at the same time.

I...

I'm not the type of guy to normally talk about this stuff,

but-- and I can't believe I'm going to admit it.

To a coworker no less.

But maybe I am jealous.

Of Brett's muscles.

You're impossible.

I mean, his body is incredible.

I mean, he's gotta be on something.

Could you go on another date with him and look inside

- his medicine cabinet? - Mm-hmm.

I gotta know what he's doing.

We're leaving.

And I'm not doing your paperwork.

Man, these are way better than office chairs.

Patel, move! Reigning champ goes first.

Bup-bup-bup-bup. Easy, Lance.

Clean athletes only.

Yeah. Letting you ride would send the wrong message

to all the young chair-ditarod fans out there.

All right, well, what about her?

Tests came back clean.

His. Not mine.

Ready!

Set!

Mush!

Well, like Tom Cruise,

I do all my own running.