Original subtitles

[upbeat tropical music]

♪

- [chuckles]

- There they are.

- ♪ Ladies

♪ I want you move your body to the beat ♪

♪

- I want the shortest, oldest horse.

- Oh, no, no, no. You're the tallest.

You get the tallest.

- I want the white one.

- Oh, dear Jesus.

[grunts] [laughter]

- Hold on, hold on.

♪

- Okay, this is very luxuriating.

- Whoo!

- Your hat!

- Where's she going? Out to sea?

Why is hers galloping?

- 'Cause she wants it. - Whoo!

- Love it.

- Ew, that one's pooping.

both: Oh, my God. - She's going pooping.

- Wait, look. Yours just spit on that.

- Oh, my God.

I won't be swimming at this beach.

- Oh, wait. I feel pee. I feel hot pee on my feet.

[laughter] - Wait, stop laughing, Luann.

- Housewives in the island, baby!

[upbeat music]

♪ Housewives in the island, baby ♪

♪ So let the party start

♪ Them women beautiful as ever ♪

♪ The sun is hot, boy

♪ Are you ready, ha

♪ To move your body - Are you ready?

- ♪ When the Caribbean rhythm touches ♪

♪ Ooh, that make ya go crazy

♪ Fever

♪ Feel it

♪ Can you feel the island fever? ♪

♪ Feel it, mon

♪ Fever

♪

[phone chatter]

- This may be my new favorite thing,

doing interviews just rolling out of bed.

I think I even have a coffee stain on my pajama.

- ♪ All night, we up all night ♪

♪ All night, we up tonight ♪

♪

- Just when I walk to you, just back up. Yeah.

- When can I have the dockets?

- What the hell?

- Good morning, honey. - Hi, good morning.

- What's the matter? - Yeah, I'm in court.

And I just need my computer.

[light chatter]

- How are you doing? - Good, just tired.

Definitely on LA time.

Are you kidding me? - Good morning.

I like your jammies.

- They're so comfy. - Wanna come sit with me?

- Oh, my God.

I'm so tired and out of it, I can't tell you.

- Yesterday, you were drank from 10:00 in the morning.

And you're not even, like, drunk.

You could roll with the best of them.

I can't believe it.

- Hi. Good morning.

It is day number three, day after my Bailey queue.

- I am feeling like Cynthia is upset with me

and I feel bad.

I don't like that whole comparing looks.

I just don't like the physical stuff.

- First of all, I'm uncomfortable with that too.

- Who is the prettiest?

- Oh, that's-- this feels weird.

- I'm gonna say, you know what? I pick Cynthia because--

- I could never say that, though.

- Not only is she beautiful on the outside,

she's beautiful on the inside.

- I don't know. I couldn't do that.

- But you kept asking her if she was mad at you.

What did she say?

- Like, she was annoyed by that, 100%.

- I was like, I don't know if this girl's gonna flip a table

because that's what I'm used to.

- I have some very strong opinions about last night.

A little disappointed.

Who is it?

- It's Lu. - Oh, Luann, come in.

- Um, in my feelings a little bit.

- Hi. Who's there?

- It's the countess. It's day three of my video diaries.

- Oh, hey. Good morning.

Oh, my God. I love this yellow on you.

- Thank you. Thank you. How are you, honey?

- I'm good. How are you doing?

- Well, you know, I'm not doing that great today.

- What's going on? I'm gonna--can I--

I'm gonna jump into bed. - Yeah, just jump into bed.

Just jump into bed. - I'm gonna jump in your bed.

- Okay. I'm gonna walk around a few.

I've known Luann for years.

She is just unapologetically who she is.

She's a free spirit. She's European.

Like, they just walk around naked,

smoking cigarettes and stuff.

Just a easy girl to kind of hang out with.

So I feel like I can talk to her for real, for real.

Last night, I was a little disappointed.

I gave Kyle somewhat of a pass because I don't know Kyle.

And I always am going to respect

any of you guys' point of view. I'm a team player.

I'm here to do whatever you guys want me to do.

- Of course. - But here's the thing.

I came on the trip to become friends with Kyle.

I am friends with Kenya.

I hold them to two different standards.

- Right. - I didn't want to pick either.

But I have to be honest with you.

I think something pissed her off in the beginning.

She was mad at the table.

- I think she was annoyed with Kenya, I was picking up.

- But why? Why was she annoyed with Kenya?

- Maybe because she was late. I don't know.

- She--she looked pissed off to me.

- "Who is the prettiest"?

Like, everyone here is gorgeous.

- It's like...

- Okay, well, they're putting out the food

and Kenya has already started eating.

- I have low blood sugar.

- I started this trip, Luann.

It was very important to me

to make sure that Kenya was comfortable.

- Right, right.

- I did my whole thing on the plane for her.

This is Brooklyn.

This is the first time Kenya has left this little girl.

So Kenya Moore.

Don't you see? Same, but we can't be late.

Cut the cord!

I was a little...hurt

that Kenya twirled into the dinner

45, maybe an hour--

I stop counting after a while--late.

- Mm-hmm.

- Strolls her ass right in. Takes her time.

Goes fix herself a plate.

A macaroni and cheese. - I couldn't believe that.

- Macaroni and god damn cheese, okay?

Now we've been waiting graciously.

- I know.

- You know who wants some macaroni and cheese?

I did. - I know.

- But I wanted to wait for my "friend."

- Well, and that's also the gracious

and elegant thing to do, is you don't start eating

before everybody's sitting down with food.

- Uh, class. - You know that.

- Money came with class. - That's right.

I would say that Cynthia is a very supportive girlfriend,

but Cynthia has expectations

that Kenya maybe can't deliver on.

- And it's a respect thing.

- Yeah, but you and Kenya are, you know, besties,

you're old friends.

I feel like you can pull her aside

and you can tell her.

- Oh, I'm definitely pulling Kenya aside.

We're definitely having a conversation

because that's my friend. - Right.

- So act like a goddamn friend. - And you are gracious.

- Hi.

Oh, you and these outfits,

you always come so island-ready and beautiful.

- Thank you. - Love that.

- [sighs]

- Is that your potato salad? - It is.

Now, I'm going to enjoy it. - Yeah.

- Take my time and enjoy it.

- Michael, can I have some potato salad?

- I'll bring it out. - Oh, okay. Thank you.

- Oh, potato salad for breakfast?

- Yeah. - I love the sound of that.

- Thank you. - That was good, right?

I know. - Thank you so much.

- I'm not kidding. It is so good.

- Morning. How are you? - Good. How are you?

- I'm good.

I was actually looking--

I wanted to come to your room earlier,

but I didn't want to, like, invade your space.

But I really hope I did not make you feel bad last night.

I'm so sorry if I did.

- You've apologized a few times

and I completely respect your point of view.

I said several times, this does not have to be mean.

I'm not a mean girl. - Oh, I know.

- I don't wanna have-- make anyone uncomfortable.

I changed the game several times throughout the night

to make sure everybody was comfortable

and basically reinvented the game

just so we could just get to...

- And you did a great job with that.

- That ended up happening in the end.

I know things about you guys. - It turned out to be great.

Yeah. - Yeah, and it went well.

It was great. - No.

Like, for me, it was just, like, the respect

that it was my night.

- I guess we're still not over this.

- I don't know if I accept Kyle's apology or not.

All I know is, I can appreciate

that she's making an effort to apologize,

but emotionally, I just can't move on right now.

- I mean, I thought my friends in Beverly Hills were dramatic.

This is taking it to another level.

Were you upset with Kenya last night?

- That's a Kenya and Cynthia conversation.

We're--we're good. I'll talk to Kenya myself.

For me, it's just the support.

It's a barbeque. Let's have fun.

- Cynthia said this is a girl's trip

and we're supposed to have fun.

Well, I am having zero fun right now.

- Oh, my God. When is her court date?

- She said right now. - Right now.

- I just saw her walking up the stairs pretty quickly

and she said she was--had--

she was on with some court or something.

- Sending good energy and vibe, girls.

Let's send it all. - I don't know what it's about.

I just heard her say that. - Well, it's about her divorce.

- Well, she told me originally it was about her divorce.

- About her divorce.

- You okay?

- Kenya, are you okay?

- All that stuff is just really--it's just hard.

And then we have to do court and it's on YouTube

so everyone can see.

- Oh, really?

- I want to start with the big question.

Where do things stand with you two now?

- I filed for divorce.

We're still in court, but I--I want sole custody.

It's like if you were in a courtroom, it's public.

Anyone can log in to watch.

And the things that are being said and stuff,

it's just so private.

You can hear people talking about money

and how much they make and I had to...

- No, that's weird. That is very strange.

- File paperwork to show how much I make.

It's, like, crazy. - That's terrible.

It's such an invasion.

- I love Kenya, but I'm upset with her right now.

So the fact that she has come downstairs and is upset,

it's kinda like, well, now we're just both upset.

You didn't concern yourself about my feelings,

so it's kinda hard for me to concern myself about yours.

- It's a public forum.

- To sit there in court

and have these strangers talking about your child...

- Personal thing. - Your, um...

- It's a lot.

- Oh, I'm sorry, honey. - Yeah.

- [tuts] That is an invasion of privacy.

- To sit there in court and have these strangers

talking about your child,

your, um...

- It's a lot.

- Oh, I'm sorry, honey. - Yeah.

[somber music]

- [tuts] That is an invasion of privacy.

Like, such an invasion. - Yeah, I just got the chills.

- I mean, it's upsetting because this is something

that has meant the most to me in my life,

and I'm losing it in front of everyone

and then I have to talk about it.

I'm in a public forum with any Tom, Dick, and Harry.

They can listen to my daughter, intimate details,

finances.

It's very difficult to share those details with strangers.

- How long were you married?

- Well... [scoffs]

I'm still married.

It will be actually four years in--in June.

- Oh, I didn't even think it was that long.

- Yeah, we've been separated for over a year.

- Some potato salad? - For breakfast, no.

[tense musical sting]

- I didn't know you were married for four years.

- I have not dated.

I have not had sex in over a year, but...

- Like, do you think he's dating?

- I'm pretty sure. Yeah.

- People send my husband naked pictures.

- I know, right? - What?

- Do you guys get dick pics?

- Never. - I actually got one.

- On WhatsApp, I get, like, porn videos.

- Wait, wait, wait, I forgot to ask you about this.

We had this party where you had the stripper guy.

- Oh, that was my bachelorette party.

- What was his name again?

both: Bolum. - Bolum.

[vocalizing] Bolum.

[all squeal]

- Damn, girl. - That's real?

- It, like, goes down to, like...

- Maybe like that. - Almost to his knees.

The video someone sent me, he was on a cantaloupe.

And he puts a hole in the melon and then [bleep] the melon.

- Stop. - That's nasty.

- And the melon explodes. - Stop.

Stop. No. both: Oh, my God.

- Wait. - It's insane.

I have to show it to you.

- I'm not a prude, but I don't really like

to talk about sex and body parts.

It's called having class, decorum, and elegance.

If you wanna talk like sluts, do whatever you want to do.

Fine, but that's not me.

- Now I'm really horny. Thank you, Luann.

I'm really horny. I'm gonna go have phone sex.

- Do you have your toys here? - No, I use my hands.

- No. - Yes.

- And you show him? - Yes.

- Oh, my goodness.

- Melissa is like me.

- Your own fingers on your hands?

- Yes! Try it. You'll like it.

- Oh, my God.

[hip-hop beat]

♪

[knocks on door] - Come in.

- Luann, it's Michael. - Oh, hey, Michael.

Come on in.

I haven't had a spa day--

And then the spa day. - Okay.

- We have lunch after volleyball.

- Okay. - And then you wanted

a couple treatments in particular for the ladies.

- Yeah, we talked about seaweed wrap, so is that happening?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And let's see.

And then, what I really want to have is a pedicure.

The girls look like they have perfect pedicures.

Mine does not.

- Do you see me, like, tucking my toes in?

- Yeah, I'm not looking at your toes.

Nobody ever looks at your feet. - Okay. Just right here.

- When you have a face like that,

nobody looks at your feet. - [laughs]

- Listen, Michael's a very nice guy.

He's an attractive guy.

And I can feel when a guy likes to flirt.

- Yeah, because I'm sexy. That's why I speak French.

- Are you married? - I am married. Yeah.

- Yeah, I just saw your wedding band.

- I'm married.

- He's married, but he's not dead.

A man can flirt.

[laughter]

You have been amazing. No, you are. Very.

The girls actually have commented.

They're like, "Michael is so elegant

and well-spoken and cheeky."

- Oh, thank you very much. - Totally.

They--they love you, so great job.

You're doing a great job.

- Okay. Where's the volleyball?

- All right, tighten it, like, at the tree.

- Water. Bottle of water.

- I thought we were playing volleyball.

- I don't know anyone who plays volleyball like you girls.

- This is my volleyball outfit. - I'm in athletic.

I'm about to slam on y'all, and y'all are like, oh...

- And I'm about to play volleyball like this.

- Girl, where are you going?

This is not a volley ball.

This is playing volleyball.

Heels, rings, a gown.

What is this?

So listen.

I think Cynthia is mad at me.

- I think she's mad at both of us.

- Did she say--say hi to you? Like--

- She was very frosty.

- Yeah. She's frosty toward me today too.

- Can I be honest? I think she might be a little annoyed

that you came down so late.

- The glam girl was 30 minutes late,

so that threw me off, so...

- I'll have Cynthia call the glam girl

and have a talk with her instead.

- Right. I think so.

But I don't--I think it's more than that.

I just think that she also feels like you and I are, like,

you know, super clique-y.

- Really? Would that bother her?

- She said it to me yesterday when--when we were on the boat.

- No, she did not. - [laughs]

Yes, she did.

- Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?

I would never think

she would even think that way in a million years.

- Yeah. She did.

- What? Are we in high school here?

Like, I feel like Teresa and Cynthia

are getting along amazing, and like,

I'm good with that.

I don't--I don't-- like, I don't know.

And it looks like Kenya doesn't give a [bleep] either,

so I don't understand why she's so sensitive about it.

Maybe she's feeling like you're hers.

- Well, honey, a lot of people have fought over me.

- I know, and I just see. It's all in the booty.

- There's enough for all of us to go around.

- There's enough of all of us to go around.

[laughter]

- Hey, guys. - Oh, hey.

- Another one's going glam volleyball.

- Well, I'm gonna learn how to play it.

I don't know how to play play.

John's here with this guy to teach us.

- Oh, that's why she's wearing this.

- Right.

- That's why we're in this situation right here.

- Wait, from the restaurant?

- Got it. Yes. - That guy?

- He used to be a Bible instructor.

- Ramona, I will--

I will take one for the team for you today.

I want those men to be with us and you all day.

- Not all day. I don't want anybody all day.

- And I want you-- I want your shirt to just--

Go get yourself a--

Ooh! Hot!

- [chuckles]

[lively music]

♪

- Hey, guys!

- Hey, Ramona.

- Whoo, I want this in my house!

- I'm good. Good to see you, too.

Hey, Albee, right? Albert?

- Yes, nice to see you. - Thanks for doing this.

I definitely need to learn how to serve.

- I'm gonna help you out.

- So Lu's the master

of volleyball for sure, so we'll wait for her.

Unless you want to pre-teach me to serve.

- Sure. - Yeah.

- So that I don't get embarrassed

in front of everybody-- whoa, that rock!

- Watch those rocks, I know. - Holy moly.

- There you go.

- I am playing the damsel in distress,

but actually, I don't know how to serve,

and I need someone to teach me.

- Hit it out of your hand nice and low,

bend your knees a little bit, and then just--

- And then come up with it? - Exactly right, yep.

That's all right. That was good.

- Let's face it. He has a rock-hard body.

Has a beautiful smile and I want to learn some pointers.

- Bend those knees like you're lifting up.

- Turn your wrists up.

- Hi, baby love.

- Hi, ladies. - Hi, gorgeous.

- Look at this. There's men here.

This feels illegal or something.

- Hey, guys.

- Hello. - Hi, Lulu!

- Can I get in? - Absolutely.

- I guess my hat's not gonna work.

- Come over on this side.

- Hey, John, how are you? How are you?

I mean, I used to play volleyball all the time

when I was growing up, so I feel like

I'm a pretty good volleyball player at this point.

Oh, damn.

- Oh! [laughter]

- Are you okay?

- Other than that, I'm a good player.

♪

- That's great. - There you go.

- Ah! - Good try, good try.

[upbeat music]

Yes!

Oh, nice try. - [screams]

[all shouting]

- Ahh! [bleep], sorry.

- I thought you had it, Melissa.

I thought you had my back.

- I'm trying.

- Nice.

- That's a little long.

- We need a ball person.

- We need margaritas. [laughs]

Okay, ready? - Yeah.

- Good serve. - I got it, here you go.

- Ramona--oh, that's it. Good one, Kyle.

Yes, John! John, Ramona!

[laughs]

♪

Oh! - [laughs]

- Ramona.

Don't get in the way. I almost killed you.

- I know, I know. And then I hit a rock.

It was a rock.

- Disaster. - [laughs]

Ramona doesn't care about volleyball.

- Look at you.

I mean, how can you do anything in that outfit?

- Michael, where's our margaritas?

- She has other balls on her mind.

♪

- Cocktails are close, ready? - Uh-oh.

- You got this.

- We're almost at the cocktails, girls.

- Here it comes.

- No. - That's all right.

- I did it too close. - You might have to--

just like that.

♪

- Oh! - Ow!

[laughter]

♪

- Yes, yes! Whoa.

That was amazing.

- Cocktails? - Sure.

- All right, girls, I thought we all did great--

as I'm spilling this on the poor dog.

- Spilling the margarita on the dog's butt.

- Look, he's licking it off his butt!

- Oh, my God, the dog's gonna get drunk on your margarita.

- He wants that.

- She's like, "Give me some more of that."

- That is so funny.

- Those look so good.

- Thank you so much.

- Cheers, guys. To a good volleyball game.

- Yay! - Cheers, that was good.

- Cheers, you guys.

- So is it your dinner tonight, Kyle?

- Yes, we are going to the Wymara Resort.

We also have an astrologer coming in.

- Oh.

- She's an astrologer but she's also intuitive.

- Oh, oh, it's spa day, isn't it?

- Yeah. And I'm super excited about it.

- This is perfect for our little--

- Got a lot of tension.

♪

- Can I go in the water? I need to take my mic off.

- Do you want to talk really quick before we shower

so we can relax and enjoy our massages?

♪

- I knew it was coming so tell me what I did wrong.

- Look at Ramona. - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, my God, the water's so good.

- I really think that was seriously so much fun.

- I'm not gonna drag this out.

I just wanted to say last night for my Bailey Q,

there was, like, a couple of things

that happened that really irritated me,

and you obviously picked up on it...

- Yes. - Too, and--what are you doing?

- I'm just rinsing my feet off. I'm listening.

- I just felt like last night was my night,

and it really annoyed me that you, like,

waltzed in late with no apology,

no sense of urgency,

made yourself a plate of macaroni and cheese

after I had the ladies wait for you.

So that was, like, the first thing.

And then I just felt like from that point, there were moments

where you just could have been a little more supportive.

- You know these girls are not in our inner circle.

You know, if someone outside of our group says,

"I'm not comfortable with that,"

and even though you have explained or--

- And modified the game to make everyone comfortable,

changed the rules a hundred times, gave the disclaimer--

- I did not interfere when you were talking.

I listened, right? - Okay.

- So if you can-- - I'll go back to it, go ahead.

- So what I was saying is

I think that you have to, you know, adapt.

- And I did. - But then you got mad.

- No, I didn't get mad about-- - You were so upset.

- No, no, no, I told you I was irritated with you

for the reasons that I just said.

It's the respect.

At the end of the day, when I'm on a girls' trip--

- Yeah, but Cynthia-- - Okay, let me--

I'm speaking now. - Okay.

- Had Ramona Singer walked in,

had you been sitting at the table on time--

- You can't go-- - Waiting for Ramona.

- So she's--

- You wanna trust-- and it's not just you.

- I would have said something.

- Oh, honey, you would have--the world

would have come to an end, honey, and everybody else's--

- But you're making it seem like it's a pattern.

Ramona has shown a pattern since before we--

- Ramona's not my friend. You're my friend.

- I need to-- - We talked about it.

We didn't talk about it at that conversation.

- No, Cynthia, you're getting turned up and I don't know why.

- I want to make sure you hear me

because I don't really want...

- I can hear you fine. You're 1 foot from me.

- To be on a girls' trip having a conversation

with the one person--

- Cynthia, don't take it that way.

- I came here as friends with you.

- But I'm trying to explain something to you,

and you're like--it seems like you want to have a fight.

[tense music]

- You know, it seems like you want to have a fight.

I don't want to have a--

- I don't want to have a fight. - Okay.

I'm explaining to you that those girls were uncomfortable.

They don't have to feel the same way as you.

They didn't want to do it. - I agree with that.

- I feel like-- - Well, I'm sorry--

- You making the faces, but Kyle was a lot of stuff.

The energy was off. - No.

Kyle and I were having a Kiki. It wasn't about you.

We were laughing about a whole--

- Kenya, I was talking at one point,

and you were, like, making faces with your eyes.

I was excited about putting this together for you guys.

Like, I just would like that same respect.

I felt like in that moment,

you could have been a little bit more supportive,

and you can't tell me how to feel, and that's it.

- You know it's interesting because on my show,

I'm usually the one that's being pushed out...

[laughs] From the friend circle,

but here, I'm vibing with everyone,

and I finally feel that people can see

who I really am and they like me.

And I think that Cynthia is just jealous

because she's not really vibing with these women.

Well, I am definitely going to

continue being supportive, but I'm not going to go

against how I feel because my feelings are--

- And I would never ask you to.

You never do, and I don't expect you to start now.

- Okay, all right, cool.

- My goal was to let my friend know that my feelings were hurt

and to get back on the same page.

I'm not really sure what Kenya's goal was,

but I felt like not only did

she not choose to hear me, she didn't get it.

And Lord knows she didn't receive.

That's for sure.

- We said we were going to do arm weights, you remember?

- Oh, we are? Today? Drunk?

- You know this is not-- - Can I just--

- It's not that light. - What, this?

- Yeah, it's good for your arms.

That's what I heard.

- That's how we tone. - See you, ladies.

- Bye, nice to see you.

- Thank you so much for the lesson.

I think we're gonna see you at your house one night, right?

- Friday. Can we do a bonfire, too?

- Yeah, of course. - Yay, and s'mores?

- Sure. - Yay.

- You guys have a nice walk on the beach?

- We did. Well, I did.

I said what I needed to say.

- Oh, okay. - I feel much better.

- Okay, good. - You feel good, too?

- Yeah.

- I mean, if you pull down your skirt.

- I don't like to harp on stuff.

[upbeat music]

- Where's my drinking partner?

- ♪ Money can't buy you class

- Oh, yeah! - ♪ Money can't buy you sass

both: ♪ Elegance is learned, my friends ♪

Whoo!

- Amen, I love it. - My friends!

- She's feeling herself over there.

- Keep going, okay. Ooh, I like that.

Oh, my God. You got the best boo-tay.

- Can I get some water, please? - Thank you.

- I thought you said you were going to go in the water.

- I want to go in the water, and I want to get some water.

- Oh, okay. - Like some woh-ter.

- Got it. - How do you guys say water?

- It's water. - Water.

- I would like to-- - You guys say woh-ter.

- Would you like a glass of water?

- [laughs]

Ramona has an accent, too. - Does she?

- But it's like, you know, more like,

you know, it's like clips. It's like, you know.

- Yeah, she just talks fast. - Yeah, she talks fast,

and she's like, "I am who I am. That's what it is.

I apologize. What are you gonna do?"

[laughter]

- I'm so hungry. This looks amazing.

- Is that like a tuna tartar in a glass?

- Yeah.

- So, Ramona, what's going on with John?

I mean, I'm like, when is he gonna make a move?

- You know, everything in slow time.

I'm not in a rush for anything anymore.

- What? - Everything in time.

- You guys ever have, like, conversations about,

like, personal things?

- We're just friends. And you know what?

I'm starting with our friendship.

If it goes somewhere, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

So I'll always have him as a friend.

- From what I've seen,

Ramona is a very aggressive person, obviously,

and now she's playing all coy and shy.

She doesn't want to talk about her love life.

Girl, that is an act, okay?

Acting class is down the hall. It's not here.

- We're just friends at this point.

You know, maybe he's into the 20-somethings.

- Oh, man.

- Or maybe he likes a little chocolate.

- Ah! [laughs]

There you go.

- Listen, Kenya can't even keep her husband.

I was married for over 20 years.

What was she married for? Like, a hop--

[stammers] What do you call it?

Flippity flop? What do you call it?

Not even for a hot second, for goodness sakes!

- Hey, Kyle, I have a question. - Yes?

Can you tell me a little bit more

about the astrologer tonight?

Does she read cards?

Does she read hands? Like, how does it work?

- So it's basically just seeing

from your birthday and stuff, I guess.

- Okay.

- I definitely believe in this one million percent.

I had a psychic tell me that I was going to be

on a reality show, most likely with my sister Kim.

And then she said there's gonna be lights

shining on you like this in October,

and that's when it premiered.

We had a premiere, so I have high hopes.

And I think it always makes for an interesting dinner party.

If my husband ever leaves me, I'm going with him.

- He will never emotionally fulfill you, ever.

Know that.

As soon as the kids are bigger, you'll have nothing in common.

- Oh, that'd be fun. - And when's your birthday?

- I'm a Scorpio.

- Taurus, Taurus, Scorpio, Aries.

- Oh, I get along so well with Tauruses.

Taurus, the bull, you can be stubborn.

- I'm very stubborn, yes. - [laughs]

- I mean, I've gotten softer now

as I've gotten older, right, Melissa?

- No. - [laughs]

- No, she said.

- No, Teresa.

We can't lie to people. We have to be honest.

- Like, how does it work? Like, you guys are family.

You work on a show together.

Like, does that make you guys automatically besties?

- It doesn't make us automatic besties.

It makes us-- we love each other.

- Mm-hmm.

- We have a lot of respect for each other.

- But families fight.

- We actually do have a lot of fun together.

But a lot of times other people get involved with us

and it [bleep] us up a little bit.

- True or not true,

Teresa had no idea you were coming on the show.

- Untrue.

[tense music]

- Okay.

- But her and I-- - I didn't know.

- You didn't know. You didn't know.

- She knew. - Oh, wow.

- She knew. - I didn't know

until I got the phone call from Andy.

- Right, so Andy called her and said--

- No, I only--

- We're interviewing your sister-in-law.

- No, he didn't--Andy called me and said your sister-in-law

won't stop DMing me.

She wants to get on the show.

- No, I never DM'd him. That's what I'm telling you.

- 'Cause that's what he said to me so take it up with him.

He's out there.

- They inboxed me to interview her and I--

which by the way, they still--

they inbox all of my friends still right now looking for--

- Yeah, but all my friends,

as soon as they get inboxed, they say--

- Yeah, but you and I were not friends at all.

♪

We weren't speaking.

- Well, we're--you are-- we are family.

We were still talking. - No, we weren't Teresa.

Don't [bleep] lie to these people.

- I'm not lying.

- We were not on speaking terms at all.

♪

- Were you and your brother speaking?

- No.

- Tell you the truth, I remember, like,

what we weren't talking-- unless they were just mad

because I wasn't putting them on the show.

[tense music]

- We did not want to be on the show that way.

- We never agree on this. She has her story.

I have my story, so it's like, we're never--

- Yeah, but what is the truth? - She's never gonna admit it.

- You might back up. You might want to back up.

- When they called--

- Hold on to the table. - [laughs]

- When they called me to interview me,

they then told you that because you--

- No, they didn't. - Yes, they did.

- Well, did you tell her?

- She--'cause I don't speak to her.

- But you should speak to her. It's her [bleep] show!

She's the table flipper! - Ramona!

- It's your show! - Listen to me.

I didn't know if we were gonna do it or not.

Of course, we interviewed for the show,

and of course they wanted us.

It's a family show. Caroline was on the show.

Dina was-- they want sister-in-laws.

Like, that's what they want.

- When they first asked me to join the show,

I was trying to get a feeling

of what exactly goes on with these shows.

I was watching wigs being pulled on "Atlanta."

So I was like, "Oh, wait.

There's family members on 'New Jersey.'"

I mean, how hard could it be?

[laughs]

That's funny that I even thought that.

- We went to film at the christening.

They said, she wouldn't sign.

She was like, "I'm not signing this paper.

If you cast my brother and my sister, I will not sign."

Finally she gave in... - No, no, no, no!

- And filmed with us. - No, I was like, this--

I don't wanna fight with my family.

To me, family's everything. - We didn't have to fight.

- I--look what happened!

- Just walk away, go. Just walk the [bleep] away.

- Don't. - So why'd you invite me then?

- Take a walk, you garbage... - All right, fine.

- Mother[bleep]. - Stop.

- You two trying to play both sides of the family.

- [banging on table] - Stop.

- Get the [bleep] out of here. - Whatever!

- Son of a bitch! [overlapping shouting]

- This is a christening! No!

- Did you guys ever watch "The Godfather" movie?

- Absolutely. - Yes.

- I am all about "The Godfather" movie.

- Don't kill us!

- You never go against the family!

- Hold on to this [bleep] table. - No, I swear to God.

No, I'm serious! [laughter]

I wanted to show America what family's truly about,

like sticking together,

and you don't go against the family.

- Well, wait, wait, why didn't you text her and tell her?

- I--you're not listening! - Sorry.

I'm just asking a very innocent question.

I bonded with them,

and I didn't know it'd start "third world two."

- It looks to me like Melissa and Teresa

have buried the hatchet, but you know,

I don't know how deep the hatchet is.

- [laughing] - What?

- What the [bleep] is "third world two"?

- I made a mistake. It's third world three.

Third--a third world.

- World War? - Yeah.

- I don't see any real chemistry or compatibility

between Melissa and Teresa.

These women are connected by family and that is it.

It just doesn't seem like they like each other that much.

- All right, let's change the subject.

- Let's go relax.

- This is the perfect time for a massage.

- Girls, you ready to change the energy?

- We've only been talking about the fact

that I'm on the show for the last 11 years.

- I know, right?

- It's like [bleep] killing a dead horse.

Like, get over it.

- I mean, like, we're never gonna agree that the...

- Yeah. - You know?

So it's like, nobody knows the truth.

- How long have you been on the show?

- I've been on this show since season one.

- Wow. - And they came on season three.

- Yeah. - These are the underwear?

- Yeah.

Would you like to go put it on? - No, ma'am.

- I'm gonna go put it on and come back.

- This looks like a mask.

- It's a mask, and it's underwear.

It's everything. What the heck?

- I got you, Luann. I have towels here for you.

- All right. - I'm averting my eyes.

- Whoo!

Michael!

- Okay, okay, ready? - Whoo!

- Michael, you're getting hit in the head.

- Michael. Ahh!

[laughter]

I think Michael kind of likes me.

- Oh, my God, that's too funny, Luann.

That's so funny.

- All right, so you're gonna just get right on.

[relaxing music]

♪

- Mm.

Mm.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- [laughs] - Mm.

Mm.

Oh, my God.

- What are you over there moaning about?

- My God, my feet. - I mean, goodness.

They just started already.

- Kenya, like, my feet, girl, when you--

anything in the feet department...

- [laughs] - I'm just already in.

I've already orgasmed, honey.

- Oh, okay. Well, that's good to know.

- [laughs]

- What's happening?

- She is giving us the soundtrack to her sex life.

- That's the spot right there. Yeah, right there.

- I mean, I don't know what's going on over there,

but it seems a lot better than my situation.

Maybe now she's relaxed and now she'll forgive me.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Oh, my goodness. - [laughing]

[quirky music]

- That is a look. - [laughs]

- Oh! [laughs]

- I'm losing my foil.

- You've got a lot going on.

- I'm a hot, cold mess.

- You are a hot, sad mess.

- Now you know how a baked potato feels.

[laughter] - Oh, my God, look.

My ass is hanging out. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Here it is.

Oh, my God.

♪

- Okay, Mom. I'll call you right back.

Um, are we fine?

- Yes. - All right, good.

I'm just checking 'cause you look like, you know--

I know you get adamant about that.

I know it's the oldest thing.

- Listen, we're never gonna agree.

- That's what I just said to Kyle.

- You have your story, I have my story, whatever.

Listen, you start fighting me, I'ma be like,

"Meh, go fight with yourself."

- Believe me, you're the last person I want to fight with.

When we first started

on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey,"

we weren't friends.

We were just sister-in-laws.

And I think the show made us

want to be together and enjoy each other's time

because I'm scared that we would have never seen each other

if it wasn't for the fact that we were filming together.

- She's married to my brother, and I have no family here.

He's, like, my only family.

So if I have to bite my tongue and overlook something, I will.

Oh, my God, that moon is beautiful.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

- Okay, ready?

- Ready for an island dinner party.

- This is off the beaten track. That's right.

- Oh, look, they haven't-- look at this.

Someone found out. Oh.

"The Real Housewives' all-star vacation."

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- They're showing our house, and it says,

"Ramona is currently terrorizing the other housewives."

[laughter]

- Wait. - [screams]

- Is that what it says? Read it.

- Look, there's a picture of Ramona naked.

- What? - Just kidding.

- Oh, Jesus. - [laughs]

♪

- Oh, what a beautiful setting.

- Welcome to Wymara Villa.

- Wow, so pretty. - Hi.

- Welcome to Wymara Villa. - Oh, thank you.

We're so happy to have you here.

- Oh, this is gorgeous.

- Wow, you really are that beautiful.

- Oh, bonsoir. I like you already.

[laughter]

- Can you take a photo of all of us?

- On the count of three, say Wymara.

- Wymara. - Wymara.

- Okay, and then with the other phone.

- No, just with one phone. - We'll just do one more.

- Take at least two more. - Take one more.

- We'll AirDrop them. - Take one more.

- Just do one phone.

- By the way, I am the general manager.

Don't be bossing me. all: Oh!

- When I tell you, I was just about to say that to her like,

do you know he's not the help, right?

He's not the help.

Thank you for-- - You better let them know.

- Thank you for reading her.

- Let 'em know. Now, that was a read.

- That was a read, okay? - That was a read.

- Wymara.

- I can't. What a group.

- Thank you, thank you. Oh, my God.

I don't know, but all I know is I need--

I need to have a drink before I continue.

Sorry about that. - No, it's okay.

It's okay. - She can be a little bossy.

- I've noticed.

- [laughs]

- I guess you're the astrologer.

How are you? - I am.

- You look beautiful. - Thank you, darling.

- Hello. - Hello.

Hello, everyone.

I'm here to tell you your fortunes.

- Oh! - Okay.

- So why don't we sit at the-- you sit at the head here?

- Sit here? - When you walked in,

you looked like that beautiful woman, who--

the cartoon character for one second.

Like, you look gorgeous.

Like, she puts the blue eye makeup like you, too.

What were we just saying? - Betty Boop?

- With the white--no. That she has all the Dalmatians.

- Cruella de Vil. - Yes.

That's what I needed, the Dalmatians.

- That is not a compliment.

- Yes, it is. She's fabulous.

She wears a big black fur.

I don't think that's bad.

- How do you think that it is not being shady

by saying someone looks like Cruella de Vil,

a very famous crazy-looking villain?

Is she asking for this woman to put a curse on her?

[laughs]

It's like, no, girl, that's an insult.

- Anyway, so I want to give you

the essence of who you are.

- I've never done astrology, I don't think.

- Well, you're going to do it tonight.

[gasps] - Ooh!

- [laughs] - Ooh, ah.

- There's spirits in the air tonight.

- [trilling] Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- [laughs]

- From your chart,

I've extracted what makes you incredibly special.

- Did you have my birthdate-- I mean, my time?

- Yes, it was sent to me. - Okay.

- So I'm going to start with our hostess, Kyle.

The kind of key to your chart is that in your past lives,

you were more often than not a man.

[quirky music]

- I've heard that. - A man?

- Yes. I've heard that before.

Yeah, I've been a man in my past lives.

- Yes, and now you can see, so men--

men deal with emotions differently than women.

You were a general in a past life.

- That's what I was told. - Oh, my God.

- I was already told I was a general in a past life.

- Well, I'm picking up the same past lives so it must be true.

- I was literally told that.

I'm the only man of the group. [laughs]

Who knew? I'm the only guy here.

Well, whatever.

- And she's damn proud of it, too.

- I think the astrologer got it wrong

saying Kyle was a man in her previous life.

If anybody, it'd be Luann.

♪

- I got a really low crotch! - [laughs]

- Mine fits perfectly like it was made for me.

- 'Cause you're Lu-man! [laughs]

- Well, 'cause I'm tall, baby. - Like a man.

- Okay, you're next.

- Whoo, Kenya.

- We do have some wonderful information for you.

- Hm.

♪

- Okay, now,

I know that you have had-- and it made sense to me

when I saw not only your past life,

but something you're meant to do in this life.

♪

You're supposed to be a shaman.

- Wow.

- Wow, really?

- Yeah. - Have you thought about that?

Is that something you want to do?

- No. - [laughs]

Lady, please. Try again.

- You had a challenging childhood.

You know, your mother abandoned you,

and it was a struggle, I'm sure.

But let me tell you this, why.

Your mother is stuck in this past life.

That's why she's been treating you this way, okay?

She had a child, you,

but you were a boy, okay?

She had a child with the king,

but it was out of wedlock,

and you were the heir to the throne

because the only child were females.

And everyone was trying to kill you and find you.

And she protected you by saying you weren't alive.

♪

- That sounds like a Lifetime movie.

[laughter]

- Well, most past lives are like a Lifetime movie.

- I may have been a son of a bitch,

but I don't know about a son of a king.

[laughs]

- You'll love this past life. You were a queen, darling.

- [gasps] - But you married a commoner.

- Oh, marrying down. - [laughs]

- There's no dentists in the room.

There's no toilet bowl scrubbers in the room.

- Cynthia, you were married to a very powerful man.

You're also a visionary. - I've heard that before.

- Where's all my plumbers at?

- Melissa. - Yes.

- In your past life, you were a beautiful princess

of a small country.

- We're all royalty.

- I don't know. I like the princess part.

- Teresa, you used to be a very seductive dancer.

- Oh, isn't it ironic?

I was always accused of being the exotic dancer.

It looks like it was Teresa.

- The next is Ramona. - In her past life,

did she always have to have the best bedroom?

I just-- - Ah!

- Yeah, you were a queen.

- I had the best room. - No wonder!

- There you go. Now we know.

- Oh, my God. Now it makes sense.

♪

- The only real royalty in this room tonight, darling,

is a countess and a former Miss USA.

[ding]

- Thank you so much. - You're welcome.

- It was really beautiful. So insightful.

- Good luck to you all. - Thank you.

- Thank you, Linda. - I need to give you a hug.

- So everyone gets a crown?

♪

- [laughs] - [laughs]

- I love the way you did that.

- [laughs]

So what year did you win the pageant?

- Many years ago. - Okay.

- In the '90s. - In the '90s.

- Yeah. - Cool.

I won a pageant in Europe too. Lady Universe.

They gave me a car and a watch, yeah.

- Yeah, they gave me a car, a boat.

- It opened up so many opportunities for me in Italy.

Not in America, you know. This was in Europe.

- I was a judge for Miss Universe

in the Philippines and I--

- I don't think I was the best looking there.

I was, like, losing when I came out in my swimsuit, whatever.

But I started winning when I started talking.

I just started to shine. - That's amazing.

- It's so true. - And that's how I won.

It wasn't on beauty, really.

- Actually it showed your inner beauty within.

- Kudos to you because--

- But Miss Universe was very different though.

Miss Universe was very different.

- Oh, you weren't talking about Miss Universe?

- Hey, we're having a conversation.

This is not about one person's perspective.

I literally tried to jump in maybe three or four times,

and my friend Kenya just kept talking over me.

[tape whirs]

I was a judge for Miss Universe in the Philippines and I--

- I don't think I was the best looking there.

And that's how I won.

- Listen-- - But I wasn't.

I was, like, not even in the top.

- Kudos to you because--

- But Miss Universe was very different though.

- That [bleep] is offensive. That is crazy.

How do you think it feels to judge you guys?

Like, as a judge, they sent us,

like, a booklet with all of the photos--

- Girl, Miss India, oh, my gosh. She was my best friend.

- And all of their information.

Like, I was saying, as a judge for Miss Universe,

it was, like, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

- Marc Anthony's wife won that year.

- There you go. - Oh!

- You would have been like, "Oh, yeah."

- Can I get three minutes? - "That's the winner, girl."

- Teresa, chill, please.

- I thought we were going to be like,

"It's gonna be us and them."

Like, literally I thought it was gonna be like

Thelma and Louise and the rest.

And, um,

Kenya obviously has other plans, so...

Seriously, I just have one small thing to contribute

to this pageant conversation.

- I remember when we... - I wasn't done!

- Oh, my God.

[sultry music]

♪

- You guys, let's get the party started!

Whoo!

Cynthia, let's have a party. - Okay.

- Are you gonna party? - All right, you guys.

We probably have a good hour left.

- Come on.

- I don't want this wine anymore.

- This is my new life. - Uh-huh.

- This is my new life.

- I'm gonna have one drink and I'm out.

- I'm living my best life. How do I make a drink?

I don't know how to make a drink.

- Here's the thing, babe.

Sometimes you gotta just let it in.

You gotta let the party in. I think we're loose.

People are dropping like flies. - Not me.

- People need to sleep.

- I'm making your wife...

- I told you my husband is with a very handsome friend.

- I'm making a freaking homemade margarita, okay?

- Honey, I need to know how to make a margarita.

That's the real reason I'm calling you.

- Lime juice, fresh lime juice.

Next, I've got--

- How much tequila? How much Cointreau?

- Hold on. - Lime juice.

- I have lime juice.

- Okay, no, Ramona, you have to measure it.

Mother[bleep], you have to measure it.

Hold on.

You have to listen to the Mexican.

- Okay, well, I don't know - Everybody's so boring.

I don't like boring people.

You know what we call the girls

who do this in Beverly Hills?

Ex-housewives. [laughs]