Original subtitles

f~ Yipee yi-o ki-a f

~ Galloping all the way f

JS Here comes Quick Draw McGraw Sf

[announcer] Kellogg's, the best to you each morning,

from Kellogg's.

f~ Yipee yi-o ki-a f

~ Galloping all the way f

~ Great big star on his chest f

£ Outdraws all of the rest f

~ Fastest gun in the west f

f~ Yipee yi-o ki-a f

£ Riding around your way f

JS Here comes Quick Draw McGraw Sf

f The high-falutin'est f

S Fastest shootin'est

~ Cowboy you ever saw f

J That's Quick Draw McGraw Sf

[announcer] Brought to you by Kellogg's...

[opening theme music]

[narrator] In the town of San Chihuahua,

during the early days of old California,

law and order was denied to people

who struggled under the oppressive rule

of a military tyrant.

Sergeant, go see what that poor peon has pinned to the wall.

Si, General.

It say "sheriff wanted".

That's very funny. [laughs]

Someday someone will come

and get rid of you, Generale Badguyos,

you oppressor.

[narrator] Suddenly, as if from nowhere,

there appeared an avenging figure.

Ole! Kabong!

[narrator] And just as suddenly vanished into thin air.

Who is this figure?

They certainly appear as if from nowhere.

It is none other than the hero ! was telling about, El Kabong.

-Viva El Kabong! -Our liberator!

Now maybe we'll get a little action around here.

[all cheering]

Who is this hero?

He calls himself El Kabong.

Like Santa Claus, there is no such a person

as El Kabong.

Oh, no? What do you think this is? Another head?

Go, collect more taxes.

[sergeant] Si, General.

And keep telling yourself,

there is no El Kabong.

Si, General. There is no El Kabong.

Ole!

There is no El Kabong.

[El Kabong] Kabong!

[narrator] Meanwhile, in a fine old hacienda nearby,

there lived a fine old gentleman, Don Fateego,

and his beautiful daughter, Senorita Rita.

Good morning, Father.

[Fateego] Good morning, my beautiful daughter.

Prepare yourself for a surprise.

l have sent for the best guitar teacher in the country for you.

Oh, Father, you are a fine old hacienda.

! mean old gentleman.

[narrator] At that very moment,

the new music teacher and his assistant

approached the fine old hacienda.

In reality, he was the famous lawman...

Quick Draw McGraw. And he is also El Kabong.

He's going to bring law and order to this town.

[narrator] Tell me, Quick Draw,

why do you hide behind the mask of EI Kabong?

Because nobody will take my unmasked face seriously.

Learning how to play the kabonger,

uh, ! mean the guitar, is easy. Listen.

[singing off-key] £ Ohhhh, I won't be

f At the round-up, Nellie f

JS Because I'm such a squaaaaare f

Here, you try it, Senorita Rita.

[Rita] Gracias, senor.

~ Ohhhh, I won't be I

f At the round-up, Nellie f

JS Because I'm such a squaaaaare f

Oh, that's excellent for the first try, Senorita Rita.

! don't think so.

[knock on door]

Who knocks at my fine old hacienda door?

Itis 1, General Badguyos, friend of the people.

[Fateego] What do you want, you oppressor?

1 have come to ask for the hand of your beautiful daughter.

For the 117th time, the answer is still "no,"

you handsome villain.

[El Kabong] You heard the lady, so git.

What? You dare talk to me like that,

you horse-face?

Ooh, that smarts.

On account of that sword is pointy.

Anyone else dare like to try putting me out?

How about you, shorty? Do you dare?

Huh? Oh, you can stay for dinner for all I care.

l dare, you villain. En garde!

You? Don Fateego? [laughs]

Why, you little pipsqueak. [laughs]

[swords clanging]

My father may be a fine old gentleman,

but he is a terrible swordsman.

So... Help! Help! Help!

Say, Queeks Draw, don't you thin’

this look like a job for you-know-who?

Well, 1 give up, Baba Looey. Who?

You, Queeks Draw. You are El Kabong.

lam? Oh, yeah, that's right, ! am.

Heh. I almost forgot. l better make a fast change.

[Badguyos laughs] And now, Don Fateego,

! demand your daughter's hand in marriage.

[El Kabong] Will El Kabong do instead?

-Huh? -Kabong!

There is an El Kabong.

Was there ever any doubt?

You have broken my fine old guitar

on the gentleman's head, you oaf!

Sorry, lady, but there are certain occupational hazards

connected with bein' a masked hero.

[Badguyos] And here's another occupational hazard.

Yowch!

Say, that is not being very sportsman-like, you know.

Oh, my fine old chandelier.

[crash]

Give me my number-five sword, Baba Looey.

Here you are, Queeks Draw. l had it all ready for you.

And now, you villainous oppressor,

you shall feel the pointy sword of El Kabong.

[both grunting]

Hey, you, watch that fine old expensive vase.

[El Kabong] You mean this one?

That's right, watch it.

[El Kabong] Yes, sir, Senor Don.

-[crash] -Whoops, sorry.

You clumsy fool, you.

l told you to watch that fine old vase.

Ah, touche.

And a touche to you too.

And do-o-on't you forget it.

Careful of my fine old priceless antique table.

[crash]

And my fine old genuine bone china teapot.

[shatters]

I'll give him my famous

El Kasheesh-kebab lunge.

This gets them every time.

Ole!

[crash]

My fine old imported window.

-l can't stand it any longer. -Neither can I.

All together now.

[all] Charge!

Uh-oh.

Ouch, ouch.

This is no way to treat a masked hero.

With or without a mask, he's the same old Queeks Draw.

[closing theme music]

[opening theme music]

[Snooper] Chiller!

Greetings, lovers of spine-chilling stories.

If you're the scary type, do not watch this show.

You had best go prune a daffodil or somethin’.

Snooper's right, folks,

this is a real scary story, honest.

It all started one day,

whilst ! was admiring me fabulous butterfly collection.

~< Dum-de-dum-dum-dum-dum De-dum-d um-dee f

l like me fabulous butterfly collection, which I am admiring.

[telephone rings]

Snooper Detective Agency,

we solve your case without rhyme or reason,

and also make keys during the dull slack season.

-Snoop speakin’. -[man on phone] / need help.

Could you come to Creepy Mountain House right away?

Pardon me doubtful Thomas attitude,

but. uh, you don't sound needy for help.

[man on phone] / don't?

Well, he-e-elp!

Now are you convinced?

Yeah, especially me left ear.

So after a visit to me left ear doctor,

Blab and I jumped in our car and--

Oh boy, may I tell it, Snoop?

Huh, may I?

[Snoop] Pray do, Blab.

[Blabber] It was midnight when we arrived at Creepy Mountain House.

Are you the private eyes 1 called?

[Snoop] We are.

! hired you to get rid

of some unwelcome tenants in my haunted house.

Well, you're a ghost, why don't you just scare 'em out?

l tried that, but they scared me out instead.

Are you sure they're human-type people?

Just plain folks?

I'm positive.

In that case, I'll just slap 'em

with a writ of habeas vacancy.

That'll get 'em out.

[sound of gunfire, woman screaming]

Oh, dear, the door chime.

Don't disturb yourself, sweetheart, I'll see who it is.

Yes?

What can ! do for you?

Whereas you moved into this house

that was already preoccupied,

1 therefore, and to it,

slap you with this writ of habeas vacancy.

Who is it, darling?

Not that silly ghost again?

No, precious, just some gentlemen

who insist we move out.

Heh. Isn't that funny?

[laughs]

[giggles]

Blab, do you dare laugh at a writ of habeas vacancy?

! couldn't help it, Snoop.

He made me laugh.

Well, laugh this off.

We're not moving, and that's that.

Now run along,

! must finish knitting

this spider web sweater for Junior.

And I must read the rest of my gruesome comics book.

Come on, Blab, we'll start in by moving the furniture out.

Right, Snoop. Hey, Snoop, isn't the baby cute?

He'll look just as cute outside, Blab.

Wop, wop.

Wop, wop.

[electricity buzzes]

Blab, help! Turn it off!

Right, Snoop.

You naughty boy.

[weeping]

Aw, look, Snoop. He's sorry.

! think there's nothing cuter than a monster baby.

That'll be enough cuteness for now, Blab.

Uh, help me roll up this rug.

Right, Snoop.

Wop, wop.

After we take the rug out, we'll-- Yow!

[crash]

We'll what, Snoop? Snoop?

Where's Snoop?

Wop, wop.

What's he doing in the basement?

-[octopus snarls] -Down, down!

Down, down!

May I ask what you were doing in the basement, Snoop?

-[door shuts] -Phew!

What a dastardly tribulation experience!

Wop, wop.

Look, Snoop.

He's mixin' some sort of a chemical potion of some sort.

Might have a kiddie chemistry set he got for his birthday.

[plops]

[Blabber] Now he's giving the potion to that thirsty mosquito.

How kind.

Yeah, the kid's all heart.

Look, Snoop!

A king-sized mosquito.

Run for your veritable life, Blab!

That giant mosquito is gonna sheesh-keblab us, Bob!

1 mean, sheesh-kebab us, Blab!

Here's a dueling sword, Snoop, fight fire with fire!

I'd like to help, but I'm kind of puny for that sort of thing.

Thanks a lot, ! think.

En garde!

Hey, me sword! Help, Blab!

In here, Snoop!

Sometimes you gotta fight fire with a hammer.

Leave us move that TV set out next, Blab.

Right, Snoop.

[wolf growls]

Wop, wop.

Look, Snoop,

he's watching the wolf monster program!

Wolf monster, indeed,

l can see right through that cheap make-up!

Wop, wop.

Are you running, Blab?

Are you kidding, Snoop?

Oh, dear, I'll never get any reading done.

Quiet, Junior, quiet!

Take your wolf monster, and go to your room!

[sad tone] Wop, wop.

[wolf whimpers]

You mean, you didn't get them out?

We were lucky to get ourselves out!

Oh dear, what'll ! do now, I'll be a homeless ghost?

Say, Snoop, couldn't we find something for him to do?

Nothing doing, Blab.

I'm not takin' in every Tom, Dick and Scary Ghost

and that's final.

Television studio?

Say, listen,

how would youse like to put on me life story?

Yeah, it's being written now.

[typewriter keys clacking]

Yeah, by a ghost writer.

When it comes to ghosts, Snooper has the right spirit!

[chuckles]

[closing theme music]

[opening theme music]

Accordin' to the papers, they're loadin’ the skies

with all sorts of hardware, like rockets and missiles,

and all that outer space stuff.

Ahh, give me the good old days when the fastest thing

in the air was a hummingbird flitting from flower to flower.

[knocks on door]

It's someone at the door... Coming, coming!

Hello, Harold my boy.

Is Augie coming to Benson's birthday party?

Come right in, Harold, and I'll see if he's ready.

Augie! Harold is here.

Augie, are you there?

I'm in here, dear old Dad.

The square root of the hypotenuse, divided by...

[Daddy] Harold's outside waitin’ to go

to Benson's birthday party!

I know, dear old Dad,

but can't you see I'm terribly busy?

Terribly busy doin' what, my son, my son?

I'm rechecking Einstein's Theory of Relativity.

[chuckles] My boy, I'm sure that Einstein

went over it himself several times

and found it okay. [chuckles]

Au contraire, naive Dad, 1 do believe I caught old Albert

in a slight error.

Hey, Augie, are you coming to the party or ain't you?

Will you tell Harold I'm not going to the party?

That's a good old Dad.

! will tell him no such thing

because you are so too goin’ to that party.

But Dad, parties are for kids, I'd only be in the way.

Augie, my boy, all work and no play

makes Jack a dull boy.

So get goin’, dull Augie.

Oh, very well, dictator Dad, since it's only next door.

What did you get for Benson's present?

A book on Advanced Mathematics

as Applied to Nuclear Energy.

1 hope he'll enjoy readin’ it.

If he don't, he can always use it as a doorstop. [chuckles]

Hi, Augie.

We're going to play games at Benson's party.

Yeah, big deal. Come on, let's get it over with.

By now, my son Augie is probably the life of the party.

After all, he's a chip off the old block. [chuckles]

Why, I can still remember them parties.

I'd make the big entrance, and everybody in the room

would look up as I paused nonchala-lantly

before bowing to the ladies.

! would hold the bow as the crowd applauded,

and then, I'd... Yowch!

Dad! I didn't know you were comin’ to the party.

We're playing pin the tail on the donkey.

The donkey is your dear old Dad.

You came back like a homing pigeon.

It's like 1 said, Dad.

I'm not cut out for fun and frolic.

I'm the studious type.

I'd be less then a Dad if 1 didn't help my boy

in his hour of dire need. [chuckles]

Augie, I heard a funny story that would liven up any party.

Listen to this.

What has four eyes but cannot see?

The answer is Mississippi.

Four "I"s, get it?

[laughs]

Why aren't you laughin’, Augie?

Because, in the first place, the joke is based

on a play on words, which makes it a childish pun.

And in the second place, my boy, you're going right back

to the party and make everybody laugh with that joke.

Well, if you say so, father.

He'll thank me later for making him tell that very funny joke.

1 got a thousand of 'em, a thousand of 'em. [chuckles]

Augie! What are you doing here?

Did you forget the funny joke?

! wish I had, father of old vaudeville days.

-You mean you told it? -! mean I told it,

and it laid a great big egg.

Well, maybe it was over their pointy little heads.

Oh, no, they got it, but the new generation

with their pointy little heads, also have very sharp brains.

Well, that's that.

Thanks anyway for the assist, Dad.

Augie, wait! 1 got an idea.

Oh, not another unfunny story. 1 couldn't stand it!

This can't miss, Augie my boy.

It's my old vaudeville routine.

And do not applaud until ! am done.

-As you wish, dear old Dad. -[clears throat]

Folks, on my way to the theater, a panhandler stopped me

and he said he hadn't had a bite for a week.

So I bit him. [chuckles]

Tsk, tsk, tsk... Poor dear old Dad.

[Daddy] And then, l go into my fancy dance.

A rickety-tick, a rickety-tick.

Well, back to Einstein.

Augie! Come back here.

Now, go and lay 'em in the aisles.

Why fight it?

[Daddy] And don't forget the rickety-tick,

rickety-tick, Augie.

It gives the act class.

Hello, Dad.

Well, how did it go, Augie,

my illustrious son?

Another egg, my disappointed father,

rickety-tick and all.

Gosh, Augie, ! don't know what else to suggest.

Oh, well, that takes care of future parties.

And now, back to my studies on time and space.

If l let him quit now, he'll grow up to be a hermit.

Augie, wait!

It's no use, well-meanin' Dad.

1 don't know what to do at parties.

Give it one more try, Augie my son, my son.

But what'll 1 do?

As man to man, my boy, and as father to son,

the best advice I can give you is to always be yourself.

Now, go, my son, and remember.

Yes, dear old Dad.

Augie has been gone a long time, and it's so quiet at that party,

somethin’ tells me 1 better go check.

Well, whaddya know?

Augie is bein’ himself.

Gosh, Augie, tell us more about rockets!

It's all very simple, really.

The amount of thrust is determined by the size

of the rocket fuel explosion, the volume of which

releases the rocket and propels it into outer space.

That's my boy of tomorrow who said that today. [chuckles]

[closing theme music]

f~ Yipee yi-o ki-a f

~ Galloping all the way f

~ There goes Quick Draw McGraw f

[announcer] Kellogg's, your best choice in cereals...

...has brought you...

f~ Yipee yi-o ki-a f

~ Galloping all the way f

~ Great big star on his chest f

£ Outdraws all of the rest f

~ Fastest gun in the west f

f~ Yipee yi-o ki-a f

~ Galloping all the way f

~ There goes Quick Draw McGraw f

f The high-falutin'est f

S Fastest shootin'est

~ Cowboy you ever saw f

Hey, Baba Looey! Are you all right?

S'awright.