Original subtitles

f Yippee yi-o ki-a, Galloping all the way

JS Here comes Quick Draw McGraw Sf

[announcer] Kellogg's, the best to you

each morning from Kellogg's.

f Yippee yi-o ki-a, Galloping all the way

~ Great big star on his chest f

£ Outdraws all of the rest f

~ Fastest gun in the west f

£ Yippee yi-o ki-a, Riding around your way J

JS Here comes Quick Draw McGraw Sf

£ The high-falutin'est, Fastest shootin'est

~ Cowboy you ever saw f

J That's Quick Draw McGraw Sf

[announcer] Brought to you by Kellogg's...

[theme music]

[narrator] Many stories have been written

about the colorful characters of the old west.

-Such as... -Quick Draw McGraw.

[narrator] No not you, Quick Draw.

such as Billy, the little kid.

[gunshots]

It's Billy, the little kid.

Give me all your jelly beans, pronto.

[shop owner] Don't shoot, Billy, take the lollipops too.

[Billy] Thanks.

[laughing]

[Billy] Giddyup, horsie.

[horse neighing]

[narrator] Yes, Billy was quite a kid.

And equally as notorious was that famous gun fighter.

Quick Draw McGraw.

[narrator] No, no, I'm talking about the fearless

-Wild Bill Hiccup. -[gunshots]

-Run for your life. -It's Wild Bill Hiccup!

-[gunshots] -[narrator] Pardon me Wild Bill.

What makes you so wild?

It's these darned hiccups. [hiccups]

[narrator] But there was one famous character

they didn't write about.

Quick Draw McGraw.

And it's about time they did.

[narrator] /'m sorry Quick Draw but it's not you.

[screeches]

Then you must mean me.

[narrator] No, it isn't you either, Baba Looey.

Well, for Pete's sake, whom do you moon?

l mean, mean?

[narrator] / mean none other

than the bandit queen herself.

-[all] Texas Tilly. -That's right, boys.

Stick them up if you don't mind.

[all] Yes, ma'am, our pleasure, ma'am.

A gentleman always removes his hat

in the presence of a lady.

Allow me, sir.

[gunshots]

Yes, ma'am.

Drop that, Texas Tilly.

She got clean away with all our money.

[narrator] Well, you're the sheriff.

Why don't you go after her?

Well, ! need a haircut and a shave and...

I'm married and, besides, she's dangerous.

[narrator] How about you, gentlemen?

Don't you want to be western heroes?

[all] Sure.

[narrator] Well, why don't you

capture Texas Tilly?

[all] Are you kidding?

She's dangerous.

[Quick Draw] Hold on thar.

I'm not afraid of a mere frail sensitive female-type bandit.

! will capture her myself.

You hopes.

What's that, Baba Looey?

! said that you're our only hope, Queeks Draw.

[narrator] And so Quick Draw McGraw

set out to do the job

everyone else was afraid to do.

Say, Queeks Draw, how are you going to capture

this female bandit?

You going to shoot her?

Baba Looey, I'm surprised at you.

A gentleman never shoots a lady.

It's some sort of a code or something.

figure to outsmart her into jail.

That's where Texas Tilly lives Queeks Draw.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

[Quick Draw] Sure I'm sure.

Females dote on dressed-up dudes

who come a-calling and bearing gifts.

I'll present her with this pair of bracelets

which in real-tity is a pair of jeweled handcuffs.

That's pretty smarts, Queeks Draw.

I thin’.

You wait here, Baba,

whilst 1 go capture Texas Tilly.

l hope she's home.

-[Knocking] -[Tilly] Who's there?

It is l, Cane Clobber,

good-looking western-type dude, come to pay you a visit.

and a bearing you a gift.

Oh, how nice.

Come in, Mr. Cane Clobber.

I'm much obliged, ma'am.

l tromped a long way to meet you.

l have a pair of bracelets with 12 diamonds for you.

Huh!

And I have a pair of six shooters

with 12 bullets for you.

Help, Baba Looey, help!

Queeks Draw, what happened?

Don't ask foolish questions, Baba.

Go get a file.

These jeweled cuffs are killing me.

Are we going to a masquerade party, Queeks Draw?

No, Baba Boy, females is known to swoon

at the sound of a serenade ‘neath their window.

And l am gonna swoon Texas Tilly to jail with my singing.

I'm afraid if you start singing, we go to jail.

£ Oh give yourself up Texas Tilly f

£ You're not But a frail female f

£ So give yourself up Texas Tilly f

f And let me take you to jail f

[crashing]

Now can we go home, Queeks Draw?

Without bringing back Texas Tilly?

Absotutely not.

This Queeks Draw is as stubborn as a mule.

[Quick Draw] Huh, what was that?

1 said Queeks Draw is no fool.

Females is skittish and scare easy.

I'll scare her so much she'll want to go to jail

-[humming] -[chair creaking]

! hate to do this to the frail little thing

but it's my duty.

Boo-boo. [blowing raspberries]

Yaah, boo-booo.

[Quick Draw blowing raspberries] Yah!

Woo!

Ooh, that's smarts.

What are we going to do now, Queeks Draw?

We fight fire with fire and females with females.

Oh, Ma! Ma McGraw!

You called, son?

Yes, Ma.

There's a weak sensitive type

female bandit

who won't let me arrest her, Ma.

Oh, she won't, eh?

Well, we'll see about that.

Hold on thar, female bandit.

Ooch.

Now, you let my boy

Queeks Draw arrest you

iffen he finds it necessary. Come along.

Ooch ooch oh oh ooch.

Quick Draw, I'm proud of you.

How did you ever manage to capture Texas Tilly?

Tweren't nothing to it, sheriff, and I did it all by myself, too.

Quick Draw, you just told a big fib.

Now you just come along with me.

I'm gonna wash your mouth out with soap.

Oh, Ma, I was only joshing.

Honest, Ma.

Ooch ouch, cut it out, Ma.

Oh, that's smarts.

[giggles]

l like that Queeks Draw.

He's good to his mother

if he knows what's good for him.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[bell rings]

[man] Stop. Stop.

Please stop!

Oh, my expensive diamonds!

Come back, come back!

Come, my little pets, that's right!

He-he-he-he-he-he-he.

Into this sack you go!

A nice haul!

[laughs]

[phone rings]

Snooper Detective Agency, we're laughing on the outside,

and crying on the inside. Snoop speaking.

Who? J. B. Spiffany?

Your diamonds disappeared?

No thief?

They, uh, they just took off by their selves?

Screwball calls is one of the occupational hazards

of a private eye.

Shh! Blab, hurry, retrace this call!

l think maybe it's some joker's idea of an impractical joke!

Right, chief!

Are you the J. B. Spiffany who's diamonds took off by themselves?

The sad self same.

Thanks.

It's him all right, Snoop!

Of course, you understand, if we don't find the diamonds,

there's no charge.

That's awfully decent of you.

Except of course, uh, expenses, which is a roundly figure of,

say, ten thousand dollars.

That's cheap at half the price, gentlemen.

Right down to my very last diamond,

the pride of my collection, the star of Saskatoon!

Lovely, isn't it?

Gosh, Snoop!

Isn't it exquisite?

Yeah, a high class paperweight.

Let's not be so rough with the diamond, J. B.

But I didn't...

[Snooper] Come on, Blab!

Follow that rolling stone!

Look where it's going, Snoop!

Straight into Scratchit's Flea Circus.

What do you see, Snoop?

A sight for sore private eyes, Blab.

It's Scratchit, the flea trainer.

[laughs]

Looks like he was left holding the bag!

So the fleeing diamonds were caused by fleeing fleas!

Ha-ha!

Diamonds, lots of diamonds!

Today it's diamonds, but tomorrow, who knows?

Maybe Fort Knox!

1 wonder how you arrest a flock of fleas!

Search me, but they're cute as bug's ears.

[giggles]

Who is out there?

Uh, just a couple of flea fanciers, sir!

[Scratchit] Well, fancy this!

[firing]

Whatcha gonna do now, Snoop?

Fight fleas with fleas!

You're gonna impersonate a flea?

No, but I'm getting one who can, on account of he is a flea.

Gosh, Snoop!

You mean Tout Suite,

the famous French flea detective?

You parlez vous-ed it, Blab!

Wow, what do you know?

Snoop got a letter at last!

It's a letter, Snoop!

It's probably a "please remit payment immediately” bill.

1 deduce it's from France. Why?

Because it has a French stamp on it!

If it was from Mesopotamia, it would have a Mesopotamian stamp,

-Right? -Blab.

Then I can safely say

it's not from Mesopotamia.

-Blab. -Ah, but why isn't it

from Mesopotamia, you may well ask.

All right, Blab, knock it off.

! accept the deductions.

Voila! Snooper, my old friend!

! have flown in mail to you.

Tout Suite!

As I live to breathe,

all the way from France!

From Mesopotamia, I am not!

Alors, why have you sent for me?

Ah, because you're joining the flea circus, old colleague.

Now, here's the caper.

So, you're an actor?

Mais oui.

The French toast of Paris!

Observe, monsieur la boss.

I do the dance...

[dance music plays]

And, mi mi mi mi!

The song!

Alouette, gentille alouette!

Yes, yes, but can you steal?

Steal?

1 do not understand, monsieur.

Never mind. All in good time.

Meanwhile, you may join your fellow performers in there.

Oui, monsieur!

Say, didn't we play on the same bill once, in Cincinnati?

! doubt it.

Now, remember, Blab.

We're a couple of out of town

high school teachers.

Got you, Snoop!

Except, he-he-he-he!

l feel so silly!

Let's go.

Two in the front row.

Yes, ma'am.

Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting, direct from Paris France,

not Mesopotamia, Monsieur Tout Suite,

and his version of the charge of the light brigade.

Remember what I have told you fellows!

Charge!

[Scratchit] My diamonds, my beautiful diamonds!

Come back!

Onto the getaway car, quick!

And now, little doggie, get along!

Ladies and gentlemen, due to temperamental fleas,

the show is over!

You mean, it's over for you, Scratchit!

So slip on these tentacles!

Help! Tout suite!

Help!

This is really a great show!

Drop it, and stick them up!

You are fini!

Don't shoot, ! am just a harmless old diamond thief!

Don't shoot, don't shoot!

Au revoir, Snooper!

Until the next case!

Bon voyagie, Tout Suite!

Farewell, my friends!

Have a nice flight to gay Paris, Tout Suite!

Thank you! Merci!

You're welcome, little colleague!

It was a pleasure paying for your first class,

special delivery air mail trip back home.

That's Snoop for you, nothing's too good

where his friends are concerned.

[blows nose]

[theme music]

Look at this kid's room, what a mess!

Oh Augie, my boy...

Who is never around when I want him,

-Where are you? -Here ! am, dear old dad

who never knows where to find me.

I know your room is a veritable junkyard, Augie,

but you won't need a pick and shovel to clean it up.

Oh, the butler and maid are gonna clean up,

hardworkin' dad.

If we got butlers and maids around here,

l haven't seen 'em, Augie.

You will, Dad, as soon as my pirate friend tells me

where to dig for treasure.

Ahoy there, Captain Plasma!

Ahoy there, you swab... Did you bring the cracker?

Uh-huh... Did you bring the treasure map?

No, matey, but don't you worry none.

It's all written down in me nimble brain,

you might say.

Can we dig for it now, huh, huh?

Can we, huh?

When a boy hangs around with pirate parrots,

it's time his father consulted a child psycho-cological book.

Beatin’ up on kid brothers, paintin' the cat blue,

invitin' crocodiles for tea... Ah, here it is.

"Boys hangin’ around with pirate parrots.

"Sometimes, a boy shows his gratitude to his dad

"by bringing him a treasure, which only a pirate parrot

can help him find."

So Augie is just tryin’ to be grateful

to his dear old dad. Heh-heh-heh.

It makes me wanna cry.

Forty-eight, 49, 50, 51, 52...

Hi, guv'nor... 53, 54, 55, 56.

[parrot] The treasure should be right there, me lad.

"The treasure should be right there, me lad." Ha ha!

What an imagination.

-[Plasma] Start diggin’, matey. -Start diggin’, huh?

Augie! Wait!

You're ruinin’ my night-bloomin' nasturniums!

Not to mention my spring-bloomin' avunculars.

[shovel scraping]

Augie, stop that digging!

But dad of dads, I'm doin’ this all for you.

Then do this for me: put back my nasturniums.

Oh, the shame of it.

Mine own male parent prefers nasturniums to pieces of eight.

And I'll make pieces of parrot outta ya if you don't scram.

Here now, careful, guv'nor, l bruises easy, ! do.

I'll leave for Treasure Island, that's what I'll do.

And I'll go with you.

We can dig there, 1 betcha.

Goodbye, dear old dad.

Wait a minute, Augie, don't go.

I'd much rather you dug up my night-bloomin'’ nasturniums.

After all, Treasure Island isn't exactly just around the corner.

[Augie] Gosh!

You're the best daddy in the whole world!

And don't forget all the seven seas.

There's no treasure down here either, Captain Plasma.

If 1 don't do somethin’ soon, my yard will look like

somethin’ to throw old razor blades in.

Well, if you can't lick 'em, join ‘em.

Then you can lick 'em.

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of sa-saparilla, mates!

It's dear old buccaneer dad, come to join us.

Not so blinkin’ fast, me bucko.

How do we know you're a pirate?

Just ask me somethin’ in pirate.

All right, now: name the seven seas.

Ha, that's easy:

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

All right... Now, what's a hatch?

A hatch is what a chicken does to an egg.

And me final question, what's a Jolly Roger?

A happy fellow named Roger, what else?

Hooray! You passed 100 percent, seaworthy dad.

Then, as a member of the crew,

l suggest we go dig in an empty lot.

1 don't know... you haven't passed the physical yet.

Heh-heh-heh, I'm in perfect health.

[Plasma] The pirate physical, ] mean.

The pirate physical?

What do I have to do?

A question I'm sure I'll be sorry l asked.

Test number one: walkin’ the plank.

It's simple, dear old dad.

Oh, I'm sure I'll fall right into it, Augie.

-Walk, you swab! -Yowch!

[spalsh]

[Daddy] Augie! Help!

Now, test number two: boardin' an enemy vessel.

Board it good, dad.

Yo-ho-ho, and here I go!

[crashes]

Roger, I do believe there's a pirate

hanging from our sycamore tree.

Heh-heh-heh, have you read Treasure Island \ately?

[Roger] Scram, you puny pirate!

[thrashing]

Who did it, dad?

It was that Jolly Roger 1 was tellin' you about.

Test number three:

sailing the bounding main in search of swag.

Off you go, matey.

What a father won't do for his boy.

Now, while he's gone, we'll get on with your diggin’, skipper.

This is most embarrassing.

l haven't even got a boat license.

Yikes... Batten down the hatches!

[splash]

Ahoy, captain, reporting a buccaneer galleon

0-0-or something dead ahead, sir.

Battle stations! Man the guns!

If l had my fishing pole, 1 bet I'd catch a big one.

[boom]

Oh, Augie, oh, Mr. Sailor!

Dad! Did you bring back any pieces of eight?

No, Augie, just me... In one piece, I hope.

That's all right, disappointed dad.

-We found the treasure. -Treasure? Where?

‘Ere, me bucko, and it's filled to the gills with bills.

Jumpin’ government mint sauce, it's money!

What'll we do with it, rich father?

Hm...there's only one thing we can do with this money, Augie.

A bloomin' Rembrandt couldn't have painted

a better-looking picture than this, eh, matey?

Right you are, sir.

After all, how many boys are so rich,

they can paper their walls with money?

Confederate money, that is, heh-heh-heh!

[theme song]

f Yippee yi-o ki-a, Galloping all the way

~ There goes Quick Draw McGraw f

[announcer] Kellogg's, the best choice in cereals.

...has brought to you...

f Yippee yi-o ki-a, Galloping all the way

~ Great big star on his chest f

£ Outdraws all of the rest f

~ Fastest gun in the west f

f Yippee yi-o ki-a, Galloping all the way

~ There goes Quick Draw McGraw f

£ The high-falutin'est, Fastest shootin'est

~ Cowboy you ever saw f

[Quick Draw] Hey, Baba Looey, are you all right?

S'awright.