Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

Class, it's time for our standardized test to see how well the school taught

to the standardized test.

[all groan]

Yes!

I mean... [groans]

You have 30 minutes, or however long it takes me to swipe through every guy

in this town I haven't already met.

[pencil tapping]

[fingers tapping]

[tapping continues]

[tapping stops]

Hmm.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[grunts]

[music ends]

Huh?

[Lisa humming]

Huh?

[grunting]

Why does Hubert get to take the test in that paradise?

They turned my mop closet into a quiet room for Hubert's unique needs.

What about Willie's unique need, a quiet room to sob into his mop?

[Lisa] Hmm.

He also gets extra time.

Extra time?

Well, I guess if he needs it, although that means I'm getting less time than him.

We all want a level playing field, right?

Shouldn't I also get extra time?

Of course you should, lassie.

I'm here for an assessment.

Looking to get extra time on tests?

No, as an intrepid psychonaut, I yearn to explore the inner workings of my mind.

[receptionist] Hmm.

So what are we testing for?

She's not here for extra time.

It's a secondary motivation at best.

We'll be testing you for three neurological differences today.

Here's the first one, go nuts.

Oops, I'm not supposed to say that word. One of our crazy rules.

Ah. Sorry, not supposed to say that either.

One of our crazy regulations.

Okay.

"Do you ever fixate on things to the point that you're unaware of your surroundings?"

[singsongy] Book report, book report.

Okay, well, maybe I was a little fixated, but nothing like Principal Skinner.

Principal Skinner, there's a fire!

[singsongy] School budget, school budget.

Whatever this is testing for, I think Principal Skinner has a lot of it.

[♪ majestic music playing]

[music ends]

[Lisa] "Do you find conversations taxing

even with people you see every day?"

What the hell happened here, Seymour?

[stammering]

I'm not sure. I was working on the school budget and, uh, now it's now.

"Now it's now" is the first thing you've said that makes sense,

and it doesn't even make sense.

You can take it up with the school board when you speak to them this afternoon.

[gasps] The board?

[Lisa] "Do unfamiliar environments make you uncomfortable?"

I respect a man who still uses a handkerchief.

It's not a handkerchief.

I was so nervous I ripped out the lining of my pants pocket.

I see. This meeting is to discuss the school budget you submitted.

Oh, no, you hated it.

Was it the font? Font Aficionado magazine said

that Garamond was making a comeback.

Well, once we got past all those serifs, the budget was exemplary.

In fact, we're giving you a promotion.

You're the new principal of Springfield High School.

High school? But I don't know anything about teenagers.

I'll have to read years of Tiger Beat to catch up.

We have every confidence in you.

Oh, I'm so honored. I'm shedding tears of joy.

Okay, kids are just kids.

These ones just have cars, mustaches,

and strange clouds of vapor emanating from their ballpoint pens.

[Lisa] "Do you have difficulty recognizing sarcasm?"

- Good morning, Shauna. - Oh, awesome.

My dad's flunky is our new principal.

[chuckling] Thank you. I'm happy to be here.

The students are going to love you.

They're totally not going to slash your tires.

[tires pop, hiss]

Great. I won't turn around to check what that hissing noise is then.

Tuck in that shirt.

Change that shirt.

Put on a shirt.

Good God, not that shirt.

[Lisa] "Do you find it difficult to alter your routine?"

Novel problems require familiar solutions.

Detention slips at the ready.

[♪ rock music playing]

[music ends]

Welcome to Saturday Detention.

For the next eight hours you're going to sit here quietly,

thus becoming the best versions of yourselves.

- Say less. - Don't budget my verbiage.

Say less means I get it.

I'm not sure I "say less" what you're saying,

but I'll take it up with Google tonight after my bath.

Ew.

I can't believe a brooding outsider like me is stuck here with a jock,

a princess, a Kearney, and a brain.

I'm not a brain. I'm failing choir.

My dad's really mad.

I'm never going to be like my old man. He's 41 and losing his hair dots.

Teenage angst! [grunts]

[Lisa] "Do you become overstimulated by noisy environments?"

I'm becoming overstimulated by this noisy environment.

What is the problem here?

I'm tired of having to act cool.

I'm tired of having to act uncool.

I'm tired of playing sports.

And I'm tired of dressing pretty.

Then stop doing those things.

[teenagers] Don't tell us what to do!

[Lisa] "Do you frequently misunderstand social situations?"

Well, you're all students, so education is clearly your main priority.

And you're teenagers, so there's no sexual tension.

[kissing, moaning]

I have a kid.

I just don't understand why you're fighting.

After you graduate, none of you will ever see each other.

High school doesn't matter.

The new principal is right.

This really is the best time of our lives.

I love you, guys.

[sighs] That wasn't my point at all.

Detention isn't about learning lessons.

It's about sitting still and being unhappy.

Well, we've changed as individuals and as a group, and maybe you have too.

Nope. Change isn't my thing, and neither is high school.

I quit.

You can't leave us.

You're the best principal we've ever had.

Say less, and I mean that literally, not in your new weird way.

[Lisa] "Do you feel a sense of relief when you return to familiar surroundings?"

[♪ "Don't You (Forget About Me)" playing]

♪ Don't you forget about me ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪

[music fades]

Ready for section two, or do you need a break?

Is my answer part of the assessment?

[chuckling] No, we're not judging everything you do in this room.

Okay then, I don't need a break.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

"Are you easily distracted?" Hmm.

No, but I'm related to someone who is.

Huh? Marge, I'm fat.

Homie, I don't care what you look like as long as you're healthy.

I didn't say I looked bad.

Phone, how do I eat healthier?

Hmm.

From this moment on, I'm focusing only on taking control of my health.

- [phone buzzes] - Ooh, a text from Lenny.

- [phone buzzes] - Ooh, a WhatsApp from Zutroy.

- [phone buzzes] - Ooh, a TikTok about sports mascot fails.

- [phone buzzes] - Whoa, a Silver Alert for Grandpa.

- [phone buzzes] - Ooh, a pop-up meat sandwich restaurant.

Kids, get in the car. We're getting meat sandwiches.

I thought you were gonna eat healthier.

We're doing what?

- [Homer] Meat! Meat! Meat! - [horn honking]

[Bart sighs]

[chuckles]

[Lisa] "Do you experience a constant state of restlessness?"

Oh, this line is so long.

What's my brain supposed to do while we wait?

I'll get out my Homer toys.

[groans] I need a bigger bag.

Finally, now to look at the large posted menu for the first time.

[Lisa] "Does it take you an excessively long time to make simple decisions?"

What to get? What to get?

[all groan]

Ooh, they have meat sandwiches.

Oh, come on, big dumb,

we know you're going to order one of everything.

I want... [gasps]

A turkey leg.

We waited in the sandwich line for over an hour.

We have to order something here.

Actually, we don't.

You're falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy.

I started reading a book about sunk costs and hated it,

but I had to finish it because I needed to find out what the fallacy was.

Uh.

Turkey leg!

Whee-he-he-he-he!

[Lisa] "Do you engage in reckless behavior you know to be dangerous?"

I should probably have a vegetable with this.

Aim for the ketchup tent.

Sir, it's not safe to throw you into a tent.

Just chuck me close. I'll bounce.

At least you're behaving yourself.

Because I'm on my meds.

I remember the old days though.

If only there were a way for Dad to medicate himself.

[sighs] I love the honey taste of mead.

It's like when I was drunk and that beehive fell on me.

Leather working!

[gasps] I'm going to make a belt. All mine keep shrinking.

[all groan]

Perfect fit. Now, to stab the hole.

[Lisa gasps]

Now that we've stayed in place for five minutes,

I can actually enjoy myself.

I've almost finished making myself a new bigger bag.

Thanks, Homie.

Homie?

[Lisa] "Do you have difficulty finishing tasks?"

[Homer] Out of the way, old man.

Glassblowing! [gasps]

Jousting? [gasps]

[Homer chuckles]

[chuckles] Ooh.

Come on, Pointy Head, kill Square Head, go for the eyehole.

Do it for my favor.

Dad, can we have some money to buy papal indulgences?

It's $5 for partial remittance, but only $7.50 for a whole plenary.

Quiet, kids. Daddy's watching sports.

[Lisa] "Do you ever find yourself in places and forget why you're there?"

- Uh-oh. - [audience] D'oh.

I'm gonna take him to the doctor.

I'm gonna dress up and steal people's change purses.

Mm-hmm.

Now, remember, leave those leeches on for at least a half an hour.

And if the dark humors return, one of the women in your household

is probably a witch.

[sighs] You've had a big day.

Maybe we should get back to the 21st century.

Sounds like witch talk.

A very good morrow's eve to you, fine sir. I am Leonardo da Vinci.

Behold my astounding inventions.

[Lisa] "Do you frequently miss what's being said to you in conversations?"

I painted the Mona Lisa in the year... [droning]

And... [droning]

...Vitruvian... [drones]

Da Vinci was truly the Renaissance's Renaissance man,

and this was his most spectacular invention,

the flying machine.

Alas, he never finished it. [mumbles]

Some speculate that da Vinci suffered from a form of ADHD.

Maybe I can finish his flying machine.

Finish? You?

Name one thing you finished

during this entire endless, exhausting day or ever.

I finished caring about da Vinci.

[scoffs] This whole renaissance was a big waste of time.

Me and all the loot I looted are taking an Uber home.

Stop right there, cutpurse.

You just committed the worst of all Ren Faire crimes, breaking character.

Ye shall be consigned to the stocks

and have tomatoes thrown upon your personage.

Yeah, ye.

They didn't even have tomatoes in Europe during the Renaissance,

and if they did, people wouldn't be throwing them.

Calories were scarce.

Lock this one up too.

On what charge?

Uh, we can probably make heresy stick.

Who knows how many fortnights you'll be away.

Take a snack.

I've got some string cheese in my new bag.

No outside food.

I feel a little bad for yelling at your father for just being who he is.

Yeah, a day with Dad can be challenging, but it's never boring.

But it's weird how many times we end up in stocks.

He might get distracted,

but your father never forgets about his family.

[gasps] Look, there he is.

I'm coming for you guys.

He's gonna rescue us.

Ooh, meat sandwich pop-up.

- [Marge] Hmm? [groans] - I'm coming for you, meat!

That's it. I'm putting Ritalin in his doughnuts.

[Lisa] "Do you get upset if things aren't arranged in a very particular way?"

Askew, askew!

- Get out of my store, you vandal. - [Lisa screams]

[sighs]

Move that standee an inch to the left.

Casper should be in the undead section.

Yoda straight needs to be.

Hmm. Our sales are down for some reason.

I think we need to improve the energy flow of the space.

In other words, extreme store makeover.

But there's-there's a reason

that everything in the store is arranged just so.

Why can't we find another arrangement that's also pleasing?

[Lisa] "Do you have hidden rules that you never share with others?"

[Comic Book Guy] If she moves things out of place, it will destroy the force field

that protects the store.

But I can't let her know the truth, so I must elevate my discourse.

Comic book store, comic book guy. End communication.

- [scoffs] - Nailed it.

[sighs]

[stammers] What have you done?

Something I should have done long ago.

Put some plants in here.

Shields are down.

Must restore power.

[Lisa] "Do repetition and counting make you feel secure?"

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

[panting] One, two, three, four.

Are you okay?

The force field protecting us, it's down.

[electricity crackles]

What force field?

Don't you see how much better the flow of the energy is in the space?

Can't we just try it this way?

What's the worst that could happen?

[Lisa] "Do you suffer from unpleasant intrusive thoughts?"

It feels like it would be bad.

What if instead we just put everything back the way it was?

Mm-hmm.

That feels like it would be bad to me.

Oh, my Zod, do you also think your actions are causing and preventing disasters?

- Tsunami. - Meteor.

I've always known you're obsessive compulsive,

the way you organize your junk drawer,

or how you chew your Hot Pocket exactly 72 times.

Well, I don't want George Lucas to die.

Have you ever been to a Japanese tea ceremony?

We made OCD into an art form.

You and I have more in common than we ever knew.

We each hid our private anxiety,

but now that we are truly open with each other,

our hearts are perfectly aligned.

[both] Two, three, four.

♪ When you wear a mask To get mail at exactly 3:03 ♪

[Kumiko] ♪ You'll touch every lamp to protect us ♪

♪ That's our OCD ♪

♪ I'll cause my team to lose If I watch them ♪

♪ Or clean my lucky tee ♪

♪ Even tossing salt over your shoulder ♪

- ♪ Is groupthink OCD ♪ - ♪ Is groupthink OCD ♪

[all] ♪ We all have quirks Bottled up in our brain ♪

♪ Just 'cause you're crazy Doesn't mean you're insane ♪

♪ So look to your left And look to your right ♪

♪ Then do it three more times So you don't die in the night ♪

♪ Wake-up pills calm me down When I'm fidgety ♪

♪ I also medicate to control my ADHD ♪

♪ This is excellent for stimming ♪

♪ Shirt tags bother me ♪

♪ Having every problem above ♪

- ♪ It's comorbidity ♪ - ♪ Comorbidity ♪

♪ Magical thinking ♪

♪ Excessive drinking ♪

♪ Intensive interests ♪

♪ Addicted to Pinterest ♪

♪ Echolalia ♪

♪ Echolalia ♪

♪ We are all a little bit crazy ♪

♪ You might see yourself In the examples we gave ♪

♪ That make you think about how you behave ♪

♪ If you're offended and ready to walk ♪

♪ Remember we're only drawings that talk ♪

♪ There's a whole spectrum of spectrums ♪

♪ You might need therapy ♪

♪ Meds for your heads ♪

♪ Blues before reds ♪

♪ Or just some TLC ♪

♪ And maybe THC ♪

♪ Everybody's got a little something ♪

♪ Neurodiversity ♪

I'm afraid of crowds.

Lisa, you were singing in your sleep.

You do a lot of funny voices.

[gasps] I fell asleep?

What neurological condition is that a symptom of?

Being tired.

I would have woken you up earlier, but I was asleep too.

Anyway, time's up.

Oh, no, but I'm not finished.

No, please, I need extra time.

Extra time!

[Lisa] ♪ Neurological assessment Neurological assessment ♪

So where'd you get your degree?

- Wesleyan. - Oh.

- Well, Ohio, Wesleyan. - Oh.

- Well, Miami of Ohio, Wesleyan. - Oh.

- Well... - I'm just gonna get back to the test.

- We had a really good lacrosse team. - Oh.

It's also where I met my husband.

He helped carry my boxes on move-in day.

- He was my roommate's dad. - Oh, my God.

Well, we were only roommates for the first semester

then I moved off campus.

But I'd see her when she came home for the holidays.

It wasn't always easy, you know.

[groans] Step kids. Am I right?

- You married your roommate's father? - He was really nice.

Unlike her mom. She hated me.

Shh!