Original subtitles

Of course, but first, I need to address this Nor'easter. Quick, get out your

phone. I need to send an urgent message about this dangerous storm.

Ready, sir.

Shelter in place, y'all.

Okay, uh, perfect.

Now, Mr. Mayor, there's someone here to see you.

What? What reckless lunatic would travel to see me in this kind of weather?

That's crazy.

Your best friend.

Wonderful.

Oh, yes, Mr. President, you're here again.

Of course I am. I missed my day one, Zoran Mamdani.

Because for some reason that no one can figure out, I really, really like you.

That's very kind, but wouldn't you rather be in D.C.? We're in the middle

of El Nino. Oh, El Nino. We don't like big stores, especially when they're in

Spanish.

Yeah, well, let's just pray that it passes quickly.

Oh, I don't pray at all. I don't go to church on Christmas nor Easter.

Boom!

Somehow, when I'm with you, I'm just firing on all cylinders.

Maybe it's because we're both from Queens.

I know. Isn't it funny to think I could have grown up in one of your apartment

buildings in Queens?

Not with that last name.

Mr. President, I'm actually very busy, and I assume you are, too.

Wrong!

I just love hanging. Wrong!

I just love hanging out with you. We're like one of those unlikely animal

friendships, like when a tiger gets together with a baby goat.

When I see stuff like that, I want to text it to you and say, this could be

us, but you play it.

Is that timely? Do people still say that? Anyway, how are you?

I'm great. It was a great summer. I'm still riding high on that Knicks

championship.

I checked that out.

I went to one game, ruined the vibe, and then dipped.

By the way, I took your advice on Iran for my speech at the U.N. Is it the U.N.

or un?

U.N. Wait, so you said we need to work towards a ceasefire and sustain peace?

Ooh, I could have sworn you told me to say, I'm going to annihilate you.

Yeah, I don't think that was me. Maybe I dreamed it.

You're in most of my dreams.

I call you Mom Dreamy.

Pick me.

Choose me. Love me. Anyway, it's been a crazy week.

I kicked out the press and hung out with the president of China.

Xi! Xi!

And, yeah, I went brunette. It's fall.

Mr. President, I just... There was this crazy AI stuff, too. I just had dinner

with Sam Altman, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg, and it made me think, wow,

RFK Jr.'s probably right about those vaccines. I mean, the tiz in that room.

You know what that's short for, right? The tiz? Have you heard that?

Maybe take a break from the AI and start working on AI contact, right?

Some of these guys, it's crazy.

Well, that was a crazy thing to say, but it's getting late.

I have important work tomorrow, okay? I have to go to Bushwick and give ketamine

to underprivileged bisexuals.

I don't know what any of those words mean.

Excuse me, Mr. President. Someone is here to see you.

What reckless lunatic would travel to see me in this kind of weather?

It's your assistant, Natalie Harp.

Hi, Mr. President. Hi.

Natalie, I didn't realize you were in New York.

Oh, I wasn't. I ran here from D.C. weapon style.

I, uh, came in case you needed anything, because, um... Baby boy, you've been a

mama.

Beyoncé. Isn't she great?

She's like the girl from Obsession, but blonde.

No.

I'm totally normal. I'm totally normal.

Anyways, nice to meet you, Mayor Momdani.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm just gonna give them some... If you hurt him, I

will end you.

Wow.

Well, uh, Mr. President, I really do have to get back to work. Oh, come on, Z

-Bag.

ZZ Top.

Zeno. There's equal Don't make me go back there.

I don't want to go the judges keep telling me no Mitch McConnell keeps

giving me the peace sign whatever the hell that Please let me stay here with

you Okay, only if you give us 21 billion dollars for a housing project in Queens.

Are you out of your mind?

What if I follow you back on Instagram? It's a done deal

It's Saturday Night Live!

With... Michael Che!

Mikey Day!

Andrew Dismutes!

Marcello Fernandez James Austin

Johnson

Colin

Jost

Ashley

Padilla Sarah Sarah Sherman.

Keenan Thompson.

Jane Wickline.

Featuring Saida Belosagie.

Tommy Brennan.

Jeremy Colhane.

Dan Marshall.

Cam Patterson.

Ray Schreider.

Veronica Slowikowska.

Musical guest, Cat's Eye!

And your host, Jalen Brunson!

Ladies and gentlemen, Jalen Brunson!

Thank you very much.

It's great to be here. I'm very excited. You guys can probably tell by my voice

and face.

But tonight, I'm going to approach the post in the same way I approached the

Knicks finals game.

So the first three quarters of the show are going to be god-awful.

The last sketch is going to be amazing.

Anyway, anyway, I had a pretty good summer.

I hope the Knicks win the NBA championship.

Right now, you've all heard me talk about it, but you haven't heard me sing

about it.

And obviously, I'm not going to.

But look, the new season is just a couple weeks away, and I got to say,

it's going to be pretty cool to be back in Madison Square Garden.

Looking around like, wow, just a few months ago, this...

this was the exact spot where Taylor and Travis got married.

Now, the most satisfying part of winning the title is thinking about all the

people who doubted me along the way.

And tonight, I finally get some closure.

I invited one of my biggest doubters here to apologize to my face, Stephen A.

Smith.

You know what?

Let me say this, Jalen Brunson.

Um, I am man enough to admit that I was wrong.

when the New York Knickerbockers signed you, and I did not think that you would

answer, nor did I believe that you could deliver the team's first championship

since 1973 when I was only five years old.

Sorry, Steve.

How long is this going to go?

About another seven minutes. Yeah, forget it. Okay, you got it. You're

good.

Now, before we start the show, I did want to open it up to some audience

questions.

Yes, to those four men back there.

What's up, Jalen? What's up, Jalen?

What's up, Jalen? Man, big fan, big fan.

Yeah, but why are you wearing glasses inside?

You're right, you're right.

Aye, aye, Captain.

I have a question.

Can you foul out of SNL?

No, I-I don't think so. So I could be here, like, the whole show?

Nice.

All right.

Who's next? Uh, Cale.

Oh, I have a question. Um, are my arms, like, really long?

They're pretty long, right?

Uh, yeah, buddy. You got a great wingspan.

Yeah. I'll never fly.

Okay.

Next question, OG.

Remember in game four when you took that shot at the end and you missed it?

Yeah. Do you remember what happened after?

Yeah, you tipped it in.

Oh, yeah.

That was awesome.

You have time for just one more question.

Josh.

Yes.

Hey,

man, I love the podcast.

Is it true that you took a $113 million pay cut just to re-sign with the Knicks?

Yeah, that's pretty true.

Wow.

So is that money, like, still up for grabs?

I don't know, but I do have a question for you.

Why did you do this to me at the cup ceremony?

Because it was funny?

That question was a layup, bro.

Yeah, well, last time you had a layup, you did this.

looking so real today, bro.

It's crazy. All right, well, guys, can you come up here, please?

We have a great show for you tonight.

We have diets here. Stick around.

We'll be right back.

Man, those Pizza Hut sandwiches really hit the spot, huh?

Sure did.

But wait. Uh-oh.

Mark's going in for the slam dunk!

Oh!

All right, basketball star. We should probably get back to work, huh?

But wait.

Before we do, looks like Darius has the ball now.

Okay, Darius.

Three seconds left on the clock.

He shoots, and...

So close, Darius. Yeah, that would have been awesome.

Yeah, I feel like we would have been talking about that for a long time,

buddy.

Anyway, back to work. What's the status on Thompson Park?

Yeah, we submitted an application for a federal grant about a month ago. I think

NPS has just backed up. The new regulations are just too much for them

to handle.

But wait, guys.

It turns out it wasn't the last shot of the game.

What's this now?

The referee said there's still one second left on the clock.

The inbound ball to Darius.

He shoots in.

Oh, missed it again.

Sorry, Darius. Looks like the game is really over this time.

Yeah.

It looks... It's because the clock ran out.

Yep.

So, um, is there any way we can get this NPS thing speeding along, or...

I have a friend over there. I can make a call.

But wait, though.

Darius, no.

You guys are never going to believe this.

There's still time on the clock.

How?

Turns out it was daylight savings time.

So there's still two seconds.

That's not how daylight savings works.

Well, Darius gets the ball back for one last shot. He shoots, and...

Missed again.

It looks like you're all out of wrappers.

Am I, bitch?

Darius shoots.

Shoots again.

One last chance.

Eyes closed.

Eyes open.

Kobe.

Boom shakalaka. Darius, stop!

You're embarrassing yourself, okay?

You're bad at basketball, man.

Can you get that through your little pea brain in your big-ass head?

That you suck at basketball?

You can't get the ball in the basket.

Do you get that?

But there's still one second. No!

There's not one second left, man. Stop it, okay?

You're bad at basketball.

I can't stop.

Why not, man?

Because there's something you guys just don't know.

My name's not Darius Barcelona.

It's not?

No.

It's Jalen Brunson.

I saw him kissing Jalen Brunson's wife.

Well, look, I only took this job because ever since I was a little boy, I

fantasized about working a modest job and hitting a big shot in front of my

coworkers.

But you're so famous already.

Just in the NBA.

I don't care about that.

I care about the office.

I want to be known as an office shooter.

I just don't think that's a great thing to say.

I can't give up now.

Game on the line.

Can't you hear the crowd?

I think I can.

Yeah. Yeah, I hear it too.

I can smell the popcorn.

We believe in you, Jalen.

Jalen Brunson has it rocked.

This one's for all the marbles.

He leaves back.

He shoots.

After a worldwide search, Dream Academy Season 1 brought you Cat's Eye.

Now, we're back for Season 2, ready to find our next breakout girl group.

Again, details.

We're asking ourselves, can lightning strike twice?

I'm Nilsa, I am 17, and as a kid I played young Nala in The Lion King on

Broadway, but now I want to be a pop star.

I'm Isla, I'm 16, I've been singing and dancing since I could walk and talk.

Five, six, seven, eight. Roll the hips and wear your crown. Got it.

Okay, if I understand correctly, it's tummy, breast, tummy, breast, punch,

breast, but then what?

It would never be breasts.

I am Duh, and I'm a triple threat.

Swimming, drawing, and magic.

And I'm Margold. I only wear flip-flops because I kept passing out when I tried

to tie my shoes.

Hey, can someone help me zip up my Leo?

Cindy, help me.

Duff and Margul witnessed a hit-and-run caused by a music executive.

And now they are... on the show.

She dragged that guy for two blocks.

Who cares?

TBH, I thought Dream Academy was a school where you learn how to control

dreams.

That's true.

I'll be a pop star.

So, girls, for the name of the final group, we are between Foxtail and

Tigress. That's cute. What about Moose Knuckle? No. You guys are not picking

the name. Crow.

Crow.

Just Crow.

It's not up for discussion.

What's that thing where you make your porno name?

You know what I'm talking about? Favorite fruit plus the street you grew

up on.

Tomato Orphanage.

Good job.

When my mom was in the hospital, I started singing to make her feel better.

A doctor filmed me singing and the video went viral.

I had a dream I got a haircut from a spider. Is that a good story?

We're forming teams for the Songwriting Challenge.

Group A will be Nielsa, Jamie, and Emily.

And Group B will be Duff, Margul, and Isla.

Oh, God.

Well, I guess I'm visual.

Okay, I was thinking something like, um... Ocean waves drive me crazy, yeah.

Oh, that's good.

Um, I was thinking maybe something like... Newton's Cradle.

New Cradle, come and get it.

New's Cradle, come and get it.

New Day's Cradle, come and get it.

Come and get what?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Duff and Margle have really grown on me.

They're like my big sisters, if my big sister spoke Dothraki.

Here to announce the winning group, our Dream Academy Season 1 champions,

Cat's Eye.

for these little girls hey icons we were wowed by all of you the athleticism the

talent whatever this is but more than anything your songs please enjoy the

global music video debut of the winning girl group featuring us

TMC, matinee, puss in blue in. I like my salads heavy on the crutton, crutton. I

like my turtles teenage and a little mutant. I like my figs like I like my

cradle, newton, newton. Newton's cradle. Newton's cradle.

Newton's cradle. Newton's cradle.

Newton's cradle. Newton's cradle.

Next week, Dakota Johnson and musical guest Turnstile.

Okay, I want to thank you all for being here.

I know it's tough, but you're very brave to do this.

And the first step is admitting that there's a problem.

All right?

Brian, you want to start us off?

Um, sure.

Hi. I'm Brian.

Um, oh, man.

It's hard for me to say it.

It's okay, Brian.

You can do this.

My girl was brought on stage at the Chris Brown and Usher tour.

So, um, yeah, me and Diane have been married for three years.

Never had any problems, and then for our anniversary, she surprised me with two

front-row tickets to see Usher and CB.

The show was fun enough, you know, the dancing and ripping open their shirts

and whatnot.

And then six songs in, Usher jumps off the stage dangling a damn cherry,

looking to drop it in some lady's mouth.

And then suddenly,

is just hungry as hell.

Okay. Breathe, Brian.

Breathe. I'm just saying, cherries are out of season.

Where did you get that, Usher?

Okay, let's give Brian a breather. Uh, you want to go, Phillip?

Uh, sure, yeah. Um, I'm Phillip, and my girl was brought on stage at the Chris

Bell and Usher tour.

Hi, Phillip.

I mean, I wasn't even at the concert.

I bought tickets for my girl and her friends.

She gets home, and I say, how was it?

She says, fine.

And she goes and takes a bubble bath with her Theragun.

Next morning, I open TikTok.

I see my girl strapped to a pole, spinning like shawarma.

And there's Mr. Breezy, no shirt on, drenched in sweat.

My girl's eyes roll in the back of her head like she's trying to see her

memories.

Oh, I am so sorry, Phillip. Video has 123,000 likes.

Top comment says, pray for her man, y'all.

Got this, man. Got this. When I spent $1,200 on that meet and greet,

I never expected her to actually greet his meet.

You're brave, Phillip.

You're very brave.

Sorry, I have a question.

For me?

Sure, Mike, go ahead.

If God is real, why would he create talented light skins?

All right, all right, easy. Let's show him that.

Yes, yes, I agree.

Let's move along.

Chris.

Yeah, hi, I'm Chris.

Hi, Chris.

Date a black woman, they said.

It will be fun, they said.

And it is. I loves me a queen.

All I'm saying is, this kind of stuff don't happen at the Noah Kahn concert.

Very right.

Okay, who's next?

Hi, Dana.

Hello.

Usher Rehman dry-humped my pregnant wife so hard.

She had triplets.

When they came out, they didn't even cry.

They just went, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, no.

great game last night jake you dominated south high did you see the scouts in the

stands you're going straight to the pros thanks guys but for me the b in

basketball stands for brothers um

sorry uh i just transferred here and

i was wondering if i could maybe join you guys sorry bud we're full up yeah

kick rocks dude

Well, uh, thanks anyway.

Guys, whoa.

Everyone deserves a shot.

What's up, man?

I'm Jake.

Of course you can ball with us.

But know this.

Here at North High, you gotta give it all you got.

Oh, yeah. This is gonna be good.

On this team, we give it our all. Yeah.

You best believe this is basketball.

Pulse me the ball, nothing but net. Get in your face and then I fake left. Got

what it takes, I ain't started yet. Cause this is basketball.

Pass it to me and I know what I got.

Put the team on my back, then I take the shot.

Okay, no problem.

Good blocks.

But basketball isn't just about defense.

It's about heart.

Come on, guys.

Let's show them how it's done.

P-A-M.

I got my ball, and I got my...

I've never heard you talk like that. But I didn't know basketball could, like, be

not gay.

Kid, what are we supposed to do?

You're our best player. I know.

But maybe not anymore.

Ever since I was a little boy.

This is actually a good time to tell you guys, I don't even care about basketball

anymore.

That's right.

I've decided I'm doing a musical.

Because I've fallen in love.

Jake!

Jessicaia.

The look in your eyes when we're together.

This crazy love will be with us forever.

I'll lose like you.

What the hell?

Yeah,

I think I'm gonna hook up with this guy. Stop! Stop!

I see that.

But hey, before you do, haha, buckets!

No, I can hear you now. Yes, yes, my father was admitted last night.

He fell.

Oh, I'm trying to reach his hospital room. No, no, no, don't. Oh, my God,

they put me on hold again.

It'll be fine, honey. They'll rebook us on another flight soon.

My dad is in the hospital, Clark. I need to get home now.

Oh, we should have flown Delta, but you wanted to save money and bought tickets

on a janky airline.

Okay, look, I Chihuahua Airlines is not janky.

Yes, yes, hello?

I'm here.

Can you update me on my father's condition, please?

Oh!

Oh!

David!

These massage chairs are a game-changer for business trips.

I don't want this layover to end, David.

Oh. Oh, amen, Patrick.

Oh, David!

The deep tissue setting is destroying my knot, David.

Oh. Write it up. Patrick.

No, I'm sorry.

It's a little loud here. Can you repeat that?

Patrick, this rolling mode is devastating me. I know. The roll is

harder than the deep tissue, David.

It's headed straight for my big knot, David. I'm scared, David.

You're brave, Patrick.

two men in massage chairs.

I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. What did you say?

So is he responsive or no?

Oh, my God.

Oh,

hell, yes. Yes. Hey, hey.

What the...

I wasn't even aware I was making sounds. I apologize.

We're on a work trip. We've been on cramped regional connecting flights all

day, sir.

We did Boston to Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh to Providence.

Then Providence to Denver.

Our last one was Denver to Tampa Bay.

That's the worst route I've ever heard in my life.

Look. You can enjoy the chairs, just stop the moaning. We're getting

complaints from the women in the weird breastfeeding shed.

David, David, it's changing to chop, David.

Oh, hell yes. Yes.

Oh, God, yes.

Oh!

Okay, can you lower the volume, please? The hospital hung up on me because they

thought I was having sex.

Yeah, and we weren't, and we haven't in a while.

Sorry, ma'am. We're just relieving tension.

Ah, David, what intensity setting are you on?

Uh, harder to daddy.

Harder to daddy.

What about you?

I don't know, David.

I think my... It says prison beating.

David! David!

David! David!

David!

David!

Wow.

Wow. Oh,

how do you feel, David?

Turned out.

Disgusting? It's a massage.

It's not sexual.

All right, let's go.

Get up. Okay.

Well, at least wait for our erections to go down.

Ladies and gentlemen, Cat's Eye.

You're the boss, you run the circus, baby.

Kick it up a notch, you're so sophisticated.

Don't wanna be on the schedule, you're on your own time.

Off the scale, let go, some hearts are crazy.

Finger nails, one, two, three, call it spinning. Crop top, baggy jeans, holding

your waistline.

You make the light and the shadows the light. Your body gets twisted and

tangled in mine.

Love's so good, how could this be free?

I keep you secret, say it for me.

Nobody knows you're out of control, but I see a sign behind the closed door.

so are you with me are you with me

Cause I can't figure you out

Can't spoil it

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived in D.C. for a state visit, and President

Trump drove to meet him at the airport like a boyfriend with no job.

Then Trump ordered military jets to do a flyover to project American strength.

Let's see how that went.

I don't know if he projected strength, but it looks like he projected

something.

President Xi also announced that China would be gifting America two giant

pandas. The pandas will be sent to live in the research lab at Arthropic.

The president of Iran addressed the U.N. General Assembly and accused the United

States of terrorism.

That's ridiculous. Americans don't do terrorism. We do isolated acts of mental

illness with a gun.

Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addressed an almost empty chamber at the U.N. after

delegates walked out in protest over Israel's war in Gaza.

I guess wherever Netanyahu shows up, there's gonna be some relocating.

Now, why did I think that ended in a laugh?

While addressing a crowd of college students, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth

laid out his new vision for the military.

No more...

social experiments, just training.

No more trannies, just training.

No! You could have just stopped after the first part.

Why were you even thinking about that, bud?

This phrase sounds like something he repeats to stop himself from having

uncomfortable fantasies.

The White House responded to major news networks canceling coverage of President

Trump by launching a live stream called Trump TV.

But if that's Trump TV, then what the hell is Paramount Plus?

A video... They're on board now, Colin.

A video was posted of Senator Mitch McConnell returning to his Washington, D

.C. home and giving reporters the peace symbol.

to show what he refuses to rest in.

Kamala Harris has reportedly offered to campaign with Democratic candidates

before the midterms, because there's still time for Democrats to blow this

thing.

Rapper Macklemore, who was dropped as the opening act for Ed Sheeran,

announced that he is launching a free Palestine tour.

Haven't the Palestinian people been through enough?

Louisiana Senator John Kennedy said at an event in Nebraska that he loved

Nebraska more than sex.

Yeah, because he doesn't need four different pills to have Nebraska.

Donald Trump unveiled a new helipad in the South Lawn of the White House.

Before that, he had to board helicopters like this.

Like a cow.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu posted a video attacking Zoran Mamdani, calling

him the anti-Semitic mayor of New York.

Worst subway take ever.

Anthropic CEO Dario...

Amadei recently stumbled through a press tour where he agreed with a former

Anthropic employee's claim that there's a 10% chance of AI wiping out humanity

within 10 years.

Here to comment is Anthropic CEO Dario Amadei.

You know, you know, you know, thanks for having me, Michael. I may have been

alarming in my recent interviews, but I... I want to assure you that if we can

pressure lawmakers to create guardrails, we will be able to stop me.

Dario, can you just explain how your company isn't going to kill us?

So... So... So... So... So... So... So...

That's a really hard question.

It shouldn't be. So, you know... Come on, Dario.

Come on, Dario. You can do this.

Just reassure them. I will.

AI is the devil, and I its maker.

What?

No, well, so, look, Sam Altman, myself, all the major AI players, we have talked

about this extensively, and we are all on the same page here. We do not condone

what we are doing.

Shouldn't you be talking about the pros of AI? I mean, don't you guys keep

saying that it's gonna cure cancer?

Yeah.

chance that cancer won't be a problem for anyone.

I don't like the way you're saying that, buddy.

I mean, how is this a good thing?

Look, um, so, Che, it's simple. If you could drink a milk that made your life

easier, but there was a 10% chance it killed you, would you drink the milk?

No.

Really? Yes!

Well, what if there was a button that when you push it, everyone dies?

Would you push the button?

No!

Are you okay?

I'm sort of blacking out every time I talk.

Um, I'd love to start this interview over, or better yet, uh, you know, my

whole life.

All right, Dario, just tell us, what are the pros of AI?

All right.

Landed the plane, Dario.

I can't. You can.

We can hear you, Dario.

No one can hear you, Dario.

Say something reassuring. Like what?

Try... the milk thing. I already said that.

Then try this.

AI is not a weapon. It's a tool. A tool for building weapons. And I urge you to

urge me to stop.

Mario Amadei, everybody.

Former Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem posted a picture of an enormous elk she

killed during a hunting trip. Worse, she killed the elk by shooting her dog at

it.

That's a really funny picture. Starbucks has released a new drink inspired by

Charlie Brown because the barista left one little curly hair on top of it.

They're not gonna like this one.

Critics of a new Hanukkah-themed Barbie doll are upset that the doll appears to

have a larger nose than other Barbies. They're also not thrilled about Hanukkah

Barbie's West Bank dream house.

has introduced a new AI agent called Muse, which appears as a cuddly doll

with a friendly smile, but the same cold, dead eyes of its father.

A white woman in Pennsylvania who is a teacher admitted that she's been lying

for years about having Palestinian and black heritage.

Also, she's not from Pennsylvania, and she's not a woman, and it's me.

For a record 23rd week, the number one song in the country was Ella Langley's

Choosin' Texas.

But I thought Texas band choosin'.

They're gonna write about us, Colin.

It was reported that a new billion-dollar industry could be catios,

which are cages that allow cats to go outside.

Catios were famously featured on our show ten minutes ago.

For a recent survey, almost 20% of Gen Z have never had sex, despite my best

efforts.

This summer broke the record for the highest-grossing box office in history.

Here to give his thoughts on some of its biggest blockbusters is conservative

commentator Tucker Carlson.

Movie time.

Let's find our seats, silence our cell phones, and abandon Christian values.

Of course, I'm talking about Paw Patrol, the dino movie.

So let me get this right. They say Jesus didn't live at the same time as the

dinosaurs, but Paw Patrol did?

What are we doing?

What's going on?

All right. Tucker, what did you see this summer? How about The Odyssey?

Oh, yes.

the Odyssey in IMAX 70 millimeter.

That's right. The Hollywood cabal shoots its filth with millimeters, or as I like

to call it, the gay inch.

What?

Oh,

no. I like the Odyssey. It's so nice to see Greek people do something other than

make women feel uncomfortable. Okay.

Okay. All right. Okay.

No. Damn. What about Spider-Man? It was the biggest movie this summer. Oh, yes.

Everybody loves Spider-Man. Brand new gender.

No. That is not what it's called. Spider they, spider them.

Uses whatever bathroom it feels like.

Come on.

Come on, man.

And, oh, Colin, did you hear the news?

Tom Holland and Zendaya are married.

I now pronounce...

Stop.

I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs.

Huh?

She refused to take his last name?

Yes, it doesn't have a last name. But where did it go?

And who took it? And why?

Sorry, kids, you don't get two names anymore. You only get one name, like a

dog.

That's the rule. That's the goal now.

are you talking about?

Did you like Obsession? Oh, yes! Obsession! The left's idea of a horror

movie is that a woman is forced to love a man.

Oh, no! Help! I'm being chased by a heterosexual relationship.

Is this what we want? I don't. Do you?

You shouldn't. But you do.

Why?

Is that allowed?

Maybe.

What are you talking about?

I've lost my train of thought.

But where did it go?

And why?

Stop asking yourself questions.

Okay, fine.

It was also a big summer for Minions and Monsters. And no, I'm not talking about

the children's film. I'm talking about the Trump cabinet.

That's right.

I've turned on Trump. I'm so brave.

You're definitely not Brandon. And finally, Toy Story 5. What?

Let me understand this.

You've got a friend in me.

And his name is Woody?

Thanks for coming in, Ms.

Daniels. Hi. Oh, of course. Mr. Roth, is everything all right with Liam?

Oh, yeah, more than all right, actually.

Liam is crushing the second grade. I actually had a few ideas for how we

might challenge him even more.

Oh, that's great.

Um, sorry, I just think it might be helpful if all the adults in our

household were present for the conversation.

Is that okay?

Oh, my God. Yes, by all means. Okay, all right, come in.

My name is Maurice.

And I'm Lulu Jones.

Sorry to be tardy for the party.

Maurice and Lulu are my sensual support system.

Oh,

great.

Nice to meet you both.

I love this artwork. Did you do it yourself?

The children's drawings?

No.

Look. I know our situation is a bit unconventional. I hope you don't mind.

Oh, yeah, I mean, no judgment here. Liam's doing great, so whatever you're

doing is working. Okay.

And, uh, just to be clear, uh, we're not poly. Oh, no, no, nothing poly about us.

Wendell and Lulu, they, you know, they date me separately.

Yes. You see, um, this here love triangle, um, it's at Sassily's.

Yeah.

Yeah, see, Wendell and I touch her.

But we do not touch each other on account of us being cousins.

Okay. Yeah, I don't need all the details.

Well, here's how it works, Playboy.

During sexy time, we turn the lights off and use a chess clock.

And when he hits this button, I go crazy until my time is up.

Yeah, and then vice versa and so on and so forth.

Cool.

So, anyway, back to your son, Liam. I actually think he'd be a great candidate

for the gifted program.

You know, Kelly, I must admit, I didn't realize that you had a son until today.

Really?

I just thought he was our little Persian roommate, and you enjoyed making lunch

for him.

Oh. I'm sorry, are neither of these men Liam's father?

Oh, no, no, no. I mean, to be honest, I'm not really sure who Liam's father

is. Oh, forgive me for asking, but who is Liam?

And I can't have children.

Oh, I'm sorry. You see, I'm the man, and...

the woman would have to have the child. You understand that? You understand

that? You understand that? No, I know that.

Sorry, where did you meet these men?

Oh, we met on an app.

Okay, what app?

Uh, TaskRabbit.

I hired them to build me a bed frame, and then once we were done, I had to

hire them to fix it. Right.

That's right, we broke it up. We broke it up. Oh, my God.

Okay, well, Liam's reading comprehension is way above grade level. What kind of

books is he reading at home?

Ah, bridge to Terabithia. Anyway, every night with these two is pure bliss.

When they drench me in their bodies, it's like a Klondike bar.

Crisp chocolate exterior and a freezing white woman in the middle. Am I right?

Why are you freezing?

I'm sorry, um, do you mind if I smoke in here?

In an elementary school?

Oh, I'm sorry. I suppose the question I meant was, um, I'm going to smoke in

here.

Ooh, I love the smell of a nice cigar.

Sir, I can see that you're judging us, but you have to understand, Mr. Roth,

Lulu and Maurice Jones saved me. Before I met them, I was 500-pound lesbian go

-go dancer with only six months to live.

You were... No, I'm not doing this.

So Liam's test scores, right, guys? Who is this famous Liam?

Wait, you know what?

I think it would be helpful if all the adults in the household were present for

this. Hold on. You already said that.

Greetings and salutations, lovely people.

Sorry we're late. I have a son in every grade in this damn school.

These are my additional lovers, Cletus and Montrell.

And let's just say I'm always late for the bus, but I have never missed a

train.

Once again, Cat's Eye.

Hey cutie cutie, I see you lookin' Cause when I walk in the party, they're like,

who's she?

Getting my matcha, my belly water I like my mochi drenched in chocolata

Last place, don't you go there, tell me what time you want You think I'm

unaware, but I know what you want You came for something bad

If you wanna come and get it, phone's gone Hootie-Footie all the way Hootie

-Footie every day Hootie-Footie like the $20 smoothest in L.A. Hootie-Footie,

nice and juicy Yeah, you crave it and you're not even a footie Let's play

some truth or dare Tell me what time you want You think I'm unaware But I know

what you want You came for something rare

Tonight on Shark Tank, which company stirs the feeding frenzy and who gets

tossed to the fishes?

Find out now as you lay naked on your hotel bed.

Hello, sharks.

I'm Dimitri Dinkle.

And I'm Diedrich Poumphant.

P-U? What stinks?

The patriarchy.

That's right. We're two feminist inventors in a topsy-turvy world run by

men. Boo!

And as femventors, we hit the streets and talked to thousands of women. And

they all told us one thing.

Stop staring at my breasts!

So that gave us an idea.

Eyeglasses that sound an alarm every time you so much as glance at a pair of

breasts. Watch and learn.

Hear that?

It's a subtle cue to remind men to gently turn their attention... away from

her chest and toward her beautiful spirit.

We call them respecticles.

So men can do their breasts.

Okay, well, no.

I don't know about this one, guys. It seems perverted and bad.

Um, does it work for ass?

Oh, never really even considered that. Yeah.

We're not really ass guys, so we... I'm out.

Come on, guys. This is offensive.

Why would anyone want... Excuse me.

Sorry. So sorry.

So sorry. Listen, Lori, we have nothing but respect for... Sorry. Sorry.

Let me take this. Yeah, you got it. Lori, you are a wonderful person. Sorry.

You know what?

I think it's best if we just go.

Those glasses were a swing and a miss but this next contestant is up for the

challenge Hi sharks, I'm Marley and for too long not enough

people have had access. We got lost We got lost and we got scared yeah,

wasn't there a producer helping you Yes, and she was lovely But we couldn't

hear her over the sound of the beeping.

Should I keep going with my... Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

God, I hate these glasses.

Look, as femventors, we didn't mean to upset anyone.

We are just trying to help men do their breasts.

I'm sorry, is that your catchphrase or something?

Bullseye. That's our catchphrase.

Bullseye.

Sorry. Gosh! Sorry. I saw that lovely producer again. Out of nowhere!

You know, no, no. This is ridiculous. Okay, you need to get out of here.

Not again!

Sorry. That was actually me.

I figured it's work for us.

Damon!

Damon, take those off!

Listen, Mr. Dinkle, Mr.

Pumfant,

I don't even know how you two made it this far, both on this show and in life.

Mm-hmm. Yep. Right. Got it. And I just want to say something to you right now,

okay? I was born in 1601.

I'm a vampire.

But you two, you're monsters, and you belong in hell.

I hear you. Yeah, I understand. Totally heard. Cool.

But you only need one shark to make a deal.

I'm prepared to offer you guys... $50 million for 100% of the ass side of the

business.

And it already got the name.

Gluh-asses.

See that?

See how I cook?

Bullseye!

Join us next week on South Bank as two women... Sorry, that's on me.

Jalen, the press just wants to ask a few questions, probably about the new

contract. Should I let them in?

Um, not right now, man. You know, I'm just, I'm really tired. I just, I want

to get with my family.

Okay, that's cool. I'll let them know.

I'm going to head out, too. You get some rest, Jalen.

Thanks, man. You got it. Love you.

What was that?

I was just, I was saying bye.

Finally some quiet.

Hey, hey, hey, superstar.

Seriously? I said I'm not taking any questions tonight.

Well, not even from your old coach?

Who are you? It's me, Coach Dennis.

You really don't recognize me, huh?

Has it been that long?

Third grade, Oak Ridge Park, summer of 2005, first three

games. We were in first place.

Really bad drinking problem?

You don't remember?

I showed you my gun.

Right, right. I think I remember it. I'm just not sure how you got in here.

Well, look, I'm not trying to take up too much of your time there, superstar.

I know you're a big shot now, but I just wanted to say I'm very proud of you.

Boy, you probably can buy whatever you want to now, huh?

You probably get to eat steaks all the time, right?

Be honest.

What's the biggest steak that you ever ate?

20 pounds?

More?

I'm sorry, but I'm just really trying to get home.

It was nice to see you, but you got to go. Oh, yeah, okay. Well, hang on, Mr.

Big Shot. Hang on. Maybe I don't drive around in a fancy, long car, and I don't

eat 50-pound steaks like you do, but I'm not here looking for a handout.

I am my own man.

Now, have I made some mistakes in my life?

Yes.

Could I use a little help?

Yes.

Would I like a handout?

Yes.

No, don't make me call security.

Okay, okay, okay, but before you throw me out, let me show you something real

quick. Have a seat.

Take a look at this picture.

You see that?

That's me about 25 years ago.

And you see this little guy holding the tiny basketball?

That's you.

And you drew this?

Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Now, I'm not here to give you no sob story.

I'm just asking for a small loan.

and to tell you maybe a little side story.

No. Well, before you say no, hey, why don't you read this?

What is this?

It's a screenplay.

It's, like, only two pages.

Well, that's because it's a porno.

But guess who's in it?

No.

Spider-Man.

Bro, bro, I had a really long day. I'm exhausted.

I'm asking you nicely to please leave. I understand, I understand, but... Before

I go, um, I would love for you to meet somebody.

Come on in here, baby.

Who the hell is this?

Uh, well, this is Tanya.

Yeah, she doesn't speak much English, but she came here to this country eight

years ago with a dream.

And now she works very hard every day at a laundromat to send money back home.

Okay, um, why are you telling me this?

Well, she's gonna bang Spider-Man in a porno.

Now, can someone please get these people out of here? Please.

Please. Maybe I could help, son.

And who the hell are you?

A Spider-Man.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not him, you know. I mean, unless... I mean, excuse me, y'all. Hey, you don't

recognize me, Jalen?

About 30 years ago?

I'm your father.

It's like looking in a damn mirror.

Yo, you're not my father. I know my father.

He's bald as hell.

I can shave. I can shave it.

Yo, get out.

Look, look, hold up. Hey, man, listen. Hey, I'm a huge fan. Can I just get your

autograph, please?

Yo, this is a check. I'm not signing this. Yo, forget security. I'm just

calling the cops.

Come on, man. You can't do all that. You can't do all that.

You know what? Let's just take our things and go. Yeah, we'll get out of

here. Don't even worry about things. Go ahead. Please.

Please.

Rami Youssef, Carlos Newtowns, Mikael Bridges, OG, Josh Hart.

Thank you everybody at SNL for a great week. This is fun. This is amazing.

I'm going to get back to my real job pretty soon.

It's been amazing. Thank you, my family. Thank you, everyone.

Have a great night, y'all. Appreciate y'all.