Original subtitles

[choir singing hymn]

[woman] Jesus, enlighten my mind with truth.

Inflame my heart with love.

Inspire my will with courage.

Pardon what I have been.

Sanctify what I am.

[sighs] Okay, here we go, Jesus.

Make it a good one.

See you later, babe.

-I'm glad you could come in today. -[man] Thank you.

Hank, can I get you some chicken?

A couple of good pieces there.

-Is that good? Okay, take care. -All right.

Hi, Charlie.

-I need you to look at my asshole. -Charlie.

I wanna know what it looks like.

I can't.

Ah.

[metallic thud]

What's that?

It's a gift.

Thank you for everything you do.

Aw, Charlie.

Okay. Um, thanks.

Guard it with your life.

There's only seven of those left in the world.

Seven batteries?

Ah, shit! Why you say it so loud?

-Fuck! -Okay.

-I'm sorry, Charlie, but thank you. -[Charlie] Yeah.

-I appreciate it. -Okay.

Let me, uh…

[breathing heavily]

[tense music playing]

Can you smell this rash?

-[groaning] -[body thuds]

-[woman] Natalie? -Huh.

Natalie? Oh my God! Someone call an ambulance!

-I want a hat. -[woman] You can't have a hat.

[Charlie] I'm gonna live in Natalie's house.

[heavenly, ethereal music playing]

Whoa, nice.

Hello?

Hello. Welcome to Heaven.

You must be Abigail,

strangled by a meth addict for not giving him a dollar.

No, um, my name's Natalie. Natalie Wilkinson.

I think I had a heart attack.

Oh, okay.

Natalie Wilkinson.

Ah, here you are. You're one of his favorites.

-Baptized. -Yep.

Catholic school.

No pre-marital sex.

-Tough one. -Prayed every night.

Forgave those who trespassed against you.

Not my favorite.

Goodness me.

You've lived a flawless life, Natalie.

Well, I've done my utmost

to walk the winding and divinely lit road to Jesus.

Mission accomplished.

Are you ready to meet your Lord and Savior?

I've been waiting for this moment my entire life.

Great.

[heavenly, ethereal music continues]

-Whoa. -[chuckles] Pretty sweet, huh?

This is pretty sweet.

I have to admit, I'm pretty nervous.

Oh, Natalie, there's no need to be nervous.

Whatever goodness you're imagining, it falls short.

His mercy is deeper, his smile is warmer,

and his love is unparalleled.

[gasps]

Peace be upon you, my child.

Welcome to my kingdom.

[music fades]

Uh, who are you?

Oh, come now, Natalie.

You of all people know who Jesus is.

Lamb of God, king of kings.

Me.

I mean, yes, of course, I know who Jesus is.

I have pictures of him all over my house and an air freshener in my Buick.

But forgive me…

You don't… you don't look like Jesus.

You are forgiven.

Now, my child, I reveal unto you the wonders of my Father's kingdom.

-Beginning with-- -I mean, you look nothing like him.

Jesus Christ.

Nothing like him.

Yeah, heard you.

I'm gonna dip out.

Yes, my child, I am well aware that the way I appear to you now

is different than how I am portrayed by earthly hands.

Artists have been very generous, so if it is beauty you seek,

you are welcome to gaze upon the River of Everlasting Peace.

Its waters will cleanse you of all your fears--

You have a gut, though.

-Excuse me? -And you're balding.

Yeah, okay. Yes, a little.

I'm not "bald" bald.

Oh, you kind of are.

What? No. [clears throat] All right.

Uh, my… child,

if it is flowing locks you desire,

please spend eternity amongst the forests of weeping willows--

I can't do this.

Do what, huh? Heaven?

Can't you just snap your fingers and be, like, super hot?

No, it doesn't work that way.

Well, can you ask your dad?

No, I can't ask my dad. Why don't you ask him?

What are you eating?

-I don't know, like, bread and wine. -For every meal?

I have a lot of prosciutto too.

It's a really good combo, actually.

-This is heartbreaking. -You wanna see heartbreaking? [laughs]

There's a couple heads in a trash can in New Orleans right now, all right?

[sighs] Jesus Christ.

-Yes? -Um, I didn't mean it like that.

-How did you mean it? -I just… [sighs]

In every picture I've seen of Jesus since I was a child,

he has long flowing hair,

a chiseled jaw,

perfect olive skin, the bulge.

-I don't know what you were expecting-- -I was expecting hot, sexy Jesus.

You know, you can't post thousands of smoldering selfies

and then show up to a date looking like… [scoffs]

[sighs] I've been catfished. I've been catfished by Jesus.

Okay, we're not dating, so…

Yeah, we kinda were.

I committed my life to you.

I took a vow, bro.

This is so fucked.

Do you know how many Puerto Rican guys I could've slept with?

Seventeen.

Really? [sighs]

This sucks.

Also, I think your toe's infected.

-Yeah. -[Natalie] You're hideous.

[Jesus] I thought it would go away.

Um, I can't do this anymore.

You know I have feelings.

I-I-- I'm here.

-What? Where are you going? -[Natalie] I don't know, I don't care.

-Oh, you don't? Okay. -[claps]

[Natalie screaming]

Jerk.

[Natalie continues screaming, grunts]

[ominous music playing]

[Natalie panting]

[demons growling]

Greetings, Natalie.

Prepare to spend eternity as our little sex offering.

[sinister laughter]

[ominous music building]

Great.

Where do I sign?

-[music stops abruptly] -Excuse me?

It sounds good to me, and I'm-- Let's-- let's go.

You know you in hell, right?

Yes.

Are any of you guys Puerto Rican?

I feel uncomfortable.

[theme music playing]

[music fades]

[tender music playing]

[young man moaning softly]

[woman gasps] Oh my God.

[man whistling] I'm gonna change the air filters, honey.

Shh!

What's going on?

He's watching pornos.

-[young man continues moaning] -Oh wow. Yeah, he is.

This is bad, Harold.

Baby, we're mammals. This is just how we operate.

Plus, he probably doesn't even know what he's watching.

We need to talk to him about this.

Yeah, and we will.

I think we should probably let him finish first.

Are you kidding me right now?

Baby, once it gets going, if you just cut it off, it aches.

-And it hurts. -[knocking on door]

Honey, we need to talk.

-[young man] Oh God. -[computer beeping]

Can I have a cream soda?

Uh, no. We need to talk first, buddy.

Your mother's worried.

We're worried about what you're doing in here.

You mean jacking off?

[groans]

Yeah.

Waxing your carrot.

Stroking it, cranking it, rubbing it, tugging it.

-Masturbating. -Yeah, I-I know about that stuff.

Honey, we're worried you don't understand what you're watching.

-That's right. -I wasn't watching anything, Mom.

[Harold] Buddy, it's fine. We're both men.

We understand that we have that hum until you release.

-You don't have to be embarrassed. -That's enough.

-Sorry. -I wasn't watching any porn.

Okay.

I was making it.

-What? -I was masturbating on camera.

Holy shit.

On camera?

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna be sick.

The camera I got you from Best Buy?

What if Our Special Journey finds out?

-Oh my God. -We'll have to deactivate the Instagram.

Toby, you're gonna knock this off right now.

-But they love it. -Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the hell is "they"?

My fans.

-[groans] They are exploiting you. -Oh, son…

-[chuckling] I don't really think so. -Toby.

Oh my God.

-You're a good kid, okay? -[Toby] Yeah.

Yeah, good kids don't jack off on camera. And I'll tell you one thing.

We are cutting down cream soda until you straighten this shit out.

[sighs] I'm not an idiot, Dad.

-Check this shit out. -[computer keyboard clacking]

Subscribers can watch two times a day, three times on Saturdays.

-When you're playing golf, Dad. -[mother] Subscribers?

What is he talking about, Harold?

[intriguing music playing]

Do you want to see the office?

The what?

-[phones ringing] -[indistinct chattering]

"Tobystrong"?

You rented an office.

-No, it made more sense to buy. -Sorry, excuse me. Sorry, sir.

Sir, you have a Zoom with the Taiwanese investors in five.

I'll take it in my office, dear. Cream soda, please.

Double bubble.

That was my assistant, Ruby. She's a good kid.

I don't understand what's happening.

New stickers came in.

-[Toby] Sick, bro! -'Sup, dude!

Yeah, boss.

You're looking good, bro.

-Hey, little buddy. -What's up, my man?

He's got merch.

[mother] Honey, how many subscribers did you say you had?

Two thousand, five hundred.

And how much do they pay?

Thirty dollars a month.

You're making almost a million dollars a year?

Well, that's just with the subscribers.

There are the brand deals and the Liquid Death collab.

Honey, there's a lot of things we could use that money for.

Yes.

Like that time you bought a hot tub after using me for that GoFundMe?

-Hey, you can use that hot tub, buddy. -Yeah.

You had me make so many videos for Instagram.

You're very bad parents.

Toby, we only shared your story to inspire others.

-Yes, exactly. -Yeah.

[Toby] Really, Mom? That's why you made me say,

"Aerosmith, all I want for Christmas is to get backstage with you"?

-I don't even know who Aerosmith is. -You're terrible people.

-Your mother's obsessed with Steven Tyler. -I like how old he looks.

That's weird, Mom.

[Harold] Just old?

Yeah, he's old, and he's-- he's hot about it. I don't know.

Dad, you made me send John Cena over a hundred messages on TikTok.

John Cena again?

Well, I…

That's… that's for you, pal. I know you're a big fan.

John Cena sucks.

-Really? -[man] Hell yeah.

-14-time champ? -I don't like John Cena.

-[Harold] National hero? -Yeah.

-Say that shit with your chest, man. -Bring it on.

-I bet he'd kick your-- -Let it go.

Cool it. Let's cool it down, bro.

You both used me as a prop to get what you wanted.

You like free crap.

Caregiving is exhausting.

[intriguing music continues]

You really wanna talk shit about John Cena?

You don't scare me.

Honey, just calm down. Take a deep breath, okay?

[Toby] I am calm.

You never saved or took any responsibility.

You leaned on me like a crutch.

And I'm just going to say it.

You both have been acting a bit…

-Retarded. -[loud bang]

[music stops]

-What--? -[Toby] Whoa.

I was going to say financially irresponsible.

Mom and Dad…

-Whoa. What the hell's going on here? -[intriguing music resumes]

Yeah, what?

…it is time for a change.

-A change? -[Toby] Yeah.

-I have frozen the GoFundMe, Instagram… -What?

All the accounts.

-We can't be on our own. -Yeah. We can't afford rent.

I was tired of being inspiration porn.

So I turned to real porn.

And as it turns out, I'm pretty good at it.

[Ruby] Sir, the investors are on the Zoom.

-[mother] Wha-- Honey! -[Harold] Buddy.

-You should be ashamed of yourself. -Toby… Toby, honey, come on.

-We can work here. -[mother] Yeah, we can jack off.

Yeah, let's collab. Let's collab on something.

A father-son video, wouldn't that be neat?

-[Toby, in Taiwanese] Hello! Who's ready? -[indistinct talking and laughing]

[investor on Zoom] All set to go!

[Toby, in English] Let's get to work, gentlemen.

[theme music playing]

[muffled hip-hop music playing]

-That can't be our Uber. -I don't know.

I mean, it said it was pulling up, the dude drove around the block twice,

and now this car is here.

-[window squeaking] -[hip-hop music grows louder]

[driver] For Jefri?

Um, Jeffrey?

Oh no, sorry. Mine say Jefri. Sorry.

[woman] No, no, excuse me. Yes, that's him.

There's no one else here, and we're running late. Let's go.

-Okay. -Dale. Okay. Come, please. Come inside.

-You like mints? -[Jeffrey] Did he say "mints"?

[woman] Just get in the van, Jeffrey.

All right.

-Um, let's go, please. Ándale? -[Jeffrey] You don't need to say ándale.

Well, the reception starts in 15 minutes, so, I mean…

Drive, please.

Sí. Okay, señora. I promise. I get you where you need to go very fast.

-[woman 2 laughs] -[exclaims]

[woman 2 in Spanish] I bet he will!

My love. Calm down.

Calm down? Me? Are you talking to me?!

-[in English] Did you order an Uber pool? -No.

[yelling in Spanish]

No, I didn't order an Uber pool. This is an Uber X.

-[man in Spanish] Love. -I'm fed up with your bullshit.

Okay, go with those assholes, because you don't love me.

-[in English] Assholes? -These are my clients, not assholes.

This is my business.

It was us.

You know, you left this morning without coffee, nothing to eat,

no sex, not even a kiss.

Oh, no. No.

[in Spanish] I didn't give you anything?

-[in English] I see. He is dating her. -[woman 2 arguing in Spanish]

-Yeah. No shit. -[in Spanish] Baby wants a titty.

-Do you want a titty? -[in English] I deserve an apology.

-An apology? -Hi, sorry.

We just really, really need to go.

It's my sister's rehearsal dinner, and we're already late.

Comprende? Uh, emergencia.

[Jeffrey] Babe, I think he speaks English pretty well.

-It's a lot. -Well, it's not getting through to him.

-Okay, fine. We can go. -Gracias.

We are not going anywhere.

We cannot go.

Fuck! Order another Uber.

Yeah, that's probably for the best.

We will begin the drive in a moment.

Please, enjoy the water, mints, and the phone charger.

Cool, mints.

-Jeffrey, I don't give a shit about mints. -It's a bunch.

Nobody gives one shit about those mints.

-Everybody likes the mints. -[in Spanish] No, you needs the mints!

-[in English] Read the reviews! -They're from Costco.

-Sí, son de Costco. -Nobody wants-- Fuck you.

-From Costco, Miami. -Fuck your mints!

I said order another car.

-Hello. -I did, but it's 40 minutes away.

-God. -[driver in Spanish] I have to work.

What happened to night school?

-[in English] I will be a pilot. -You're not cool!

I think it's fine.

I actually think that they're working it out right now.

-No, you're fucking crazy. -[woman 2 yelling]

All the days, every day, you wake up in a crazy mood!

-[woman 2 in Spanish] Damn it! Bastard! -[in English] One moment.

No, you do the same shit every day!

You wake up a crazier woman!

-I'm not crazy! -You treat the dog better.

[woman 2 in Spanish] You drive Uber!

-Ooh, my minivan! -Yep.

-How pretty, my minivan! -[driver in English] Uber pays.

The minivan is shit!

[engine idling]

[in English] You know God is watching you right now, no?

Look up.

There he is. [speaking Spanish]

And he is saying, "What can we do to give a heart to Catalina?"

"To make her a good person?"

To touch the huevos of her man?

She doesn't touch her man's pee-pee.

Sir, if we could perhaps get moving, that would--

Shh.

Sorry.

-What is that? -Nothing.

-Not nothing. Is something. -No, nothing.

-No, I see something. Yes. -[in Spanish] No, it's nothing.

-[in English] Yes, that is something. -[in Spanish] No, eat shit!

You're not gonna leave me alone!

Ay, eat shit! A little tickle for you too!

-[in English] What are they doing? -Stop it!

I think they're tickling each other?

[Catalina squealing]

[driver groans]

-Oh my God. -[driver wincing]

[in Spanish] Your mother's cunt.

You liked that?

[breathes deeply]

[in English] You're in deep shit.

-[Catalina screaming, laughing] -[driver laughing]

-[spluttering] -[Catalina and driver yelling]

[in Spanish] That's enough! That's enough!

[music playing loudly on radio]

-[screams] No, no, no! -[glass shattering]

-Fuck! -Oh my fucking God!

-[Catalina screaming] -[driver] You fucking bitch! Like that?

-We're walking. Get out of the car. -It's like 12 miles away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughing]

-[in Spanish] Give me those! -[horn honking]

-[in English] Let it go! -[Catalina, in Spanish] Balls are mine!

-[in English] We're child locked. -Could you unlock us?

-[Catalina grunting] -Jesus.

[in Spanish] Oh, yes? You want more?

Come here!

Eat!

[horn honking]

-[Catalina] I am your queen! -[driver groaning]

[grunts]

-[grunts] -[sensual music playing]

Daughter of a bitch!

-[Catalina] You want this papaya? -[driver groaning weakly]

Kiss me.

[Catalina and driver moaning, kissing]

[Jeffrey sobbing]

[in English] Oh my God. Stop crying, you coward.

I'm not crying 'cause I'm a coward.

I'm crying 'cause it's beautiful.

-What? -[sniffles]

-What you guys have… it's great. -[romantic music playing]

You listen to each other.

You're vulnerable. [sniffles]

I want that.

Yeah, you deserve that.

Yeah.

You know what you need?

A Latina.

Excuse me?

We are definitely better than that.

She's never tickled me, never.

-And she makes me dress like this. -You look nice.

I look fucking stupid.

Yeah, you look very stupid.

I know!

Anyway, I'm going to fuck her now.

Of course, of course. [sniffles]

Can I watch?

[woman sighs] Goddamn it.

["Plaka 93" by Yudy Garcia & Don Vela playing]

[song fades]