Original subtitles

[mom] Where do you think you're going?

-[girl] To my room! Ugh! -[mom] I am not done talking to you!

You never even try to understand me!

I'm sorry I don't have the perfect life like you do.

[scoffs] You think my life is perfect?

That just goes to show what you understand.

-You have it so easy, sweetie. -Easy?

-You couldn't last one day living my life. -Are you kidding?

Your life would be a vacation!

[grunts angrily]

[door slams]

[house rattling]

-[rattling fades] -[mysterious music playing]

Ugh.

[echoing] You couldn't last one day living my life.

You never even try to understand me!

[mom] You think my life is perfect? That just goes to show…

Your life would be a vacation!

[music fades]

[both screaming]

-I'm so old! -How did this happen?

-Oh my God, there's so much skin. -I cannot believe that this is real!

[man] So let me get this straight.

You guys had a fight about how you don't understand each other.

And then you went to sleep, and now…

I'm her, and she's me!

Wait! Ow.

Why does my wrist hurt?

-That's my arthritis! Honey, I'm sorry! -Right?

You can feel her arthritis?

-Yes. -That's remarkable.

Oh my goodness. I mean…

You're allergic to shellfish. Does that mean you can have lobster now?

-[daughter gasps] -I don't know.

And will you dream about… her experiences?

And if I, you know… with you,

would that be with her?

-What are you talking about, Bill? -Baby, I'm a systems analyst.

I'm just thinking about-- You know what? Forget I said anything.

Okay.

We have to fix this, Mom!

My final audition for Juilliard is tonight.

If I don't go, I'll never play violin professionally.

-Oh my God. -Okay, but seriously.

How would this work if we were really trying to figure it out?

If you are her and you are her,

then hypothetically,

who would I choose if I had to?

If it was like a life-or-death scenario?

'Cause I'm trying to figure out who it would make more sense to…

You know?

-To have sex with? -What?!

Hey, jeez, don't say that in front of Kelly… or Nancy.

You see what I--? This is so confusing. Just forget I said anything.

-Keep doing what you were doing. -Okay, we'll try. Back to what matters.

But, but, but…

-I don't think I should have sex with you. -Jesus.

Because while you are my wife's body,

my daughter is inside, and no, thank you.

-Ew, ew, ew! -What the hell, Bill?

What?

I thought we were all trying to figure out the rules of this magical event. Am I…?

All right, let's just move on. My bad.

Okay, honey, honey, honey, will you at least try to teach me?

Teach you how to play Tchaikovsky in a day? Are you crazy?

I'm not trying to fuck my daughter. For the record.

What? Is that not a good thing?

That I want to not fuck my daughter?

That's great, Bill.

Great, wish granted. Are you ready to move on?

Yes. You can see why it's confusing, right?

But honestly, we'll just-- We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Why would we ever get to that bridge, Dad?

We won't. We absolutely won't.

Assuming everything goes back to the way it was.

But when will that be?

It could be days, it could be months, it could be years.

-It's been three minutes, Dad! -I'm trying to stay ahead of it.

Okay, will you just stop talking about fucking us?!

Honey, she's not new to sex.

She's been seeing that Jeff Hinkle kid for a while now,

and I found a used condom in the trash.

-Oh my God, Dad! Don't go through my shit! -Wait…

Okay, I'm sorry.

-God. Okay… -Wait, what about my presentation? I…

I mean, I love you, but there is zero chance

you're gonna be able to explain to the national grocery chain

the financial upside of putting Smucker's jelly on their end caps.

-What? -I'm gonna get fired.

-Blowjobs are off the table. -[both] What the fuck?!

Off the table. Don't you agree?

I can't look down and see my wiener in my daughter's mouth.

-Oh, make it stop! Oh my God! -[Nancy] I'm trying.

Jeez Louise!

I'm trying to tell you, no blowjobs. I'm not doing it.

At least not now.

Maybe after some time,

we'll all feel differently, and we can reconvene then.

God! Can you just get the fuck out of here, Dad?

[chuckling] Okay, I can take a hint.

I'm gonna go upstairs, see if the cat's fed.

You ladies, do your thing.

-[Bill whistling cheerfully] -[Kelly] Okay. Wait!

-I know what we can do! -You do?

I'm gonna go to the presentation. But I'll just put my hair down like this,

and I'll hide an AirPod in my ear, and you just tell me what to say.

That… that's actually great.

-Yeah. -Yes! Oh!

Wow. When did my daughter become so brilliant?

Maybe you just had to look a little harder.

[Bill] Threesome in the dark! I figured it out.

I do my best thinking on the stairs.

Think about it. Threesome in the dark, right?

I won't know whose mouth or hands are touching what or doing what.

You stay quiet. It's perfect.

Threesome in the dark.

Hm? All right, we'll talk about it later. Just process it.

[laughs quietly]

-Mom. Seriously? -Mm. Mm-hmm.

I cannot believe how you put up with that fucking disgusting pig.

How do you even get through each day, let alone prepare for a presentation?

Me? I mean, I can't believe you've turned out relatively normal

with that lunatic as your father.

I mean, any other girl would be in a ditch with 20 needles sticking out of her arms.

Guess I never really understood how hard it was to be you.

I think that makes two of us.

-[house rattling] -[grunts]

What… what… what…?

-[rattling stops] -[gasps]

I'm me!

Mom, Mom, I'm me!

-Oh, we're back, thank God. -[gasps] I can still do my audition.

And I can get ready for my presentation!

-I love you. -I love you.

-[Nancy] Good luck! Thank you. -Good luck, Mama!

[Bill moaning loudly]

What's happening?

Why am I in this old man's body?

Hey, bae.

It's me, your boyfriend. Jeff Hinkle.

Ew!

[theme music playing]

[music fades]

-[gentle violin music playing] -[man] Good morning, everybody!

The Lord has blessed us with another beautiful day

for y'all to give thanks to me, Master Murphy,

for giving you the opportunity to actually do some work

and do something productive with your life

instead of acting like every day is a vacation,

so you can rid yourself of the devil's grip on your loins

and actually do some digging and hauling and work for me.

In Jesus' name, amen.

That's a good prayer.

Get your ass back to work now.

[night chirping]

[man 1] You know what? I might need to get me my money back.

Ain't nothing worse than a slave who can't churn butter.

Me and my family have been eating dry toast for a month.

[scoffs] That's nothin'.

My house been chilly for weeks

'cause none of my negroes can chop wood to save their goddamn lives.

-[man 1] Mm. -Yeah, well, that ain't shit.

No matter what I do,

no matter what I try,

mine just keep rearranging my furniture.

[mysterious music playing]

Started with a chair, then my chifforobe.

That was there.

Next, it's the whole goddamn parlor.

Hm.

Saying the color palette clashes with the drapes.

How fucking dare he?

-[slams fist] -[items on table clatter]

Yeah, uh…

-[snaps fingers] -Oh. [chuckles] I almost forgot.

Well, the other morning, I walked into my kitchen.

One of my little jibbity bugs

had the audacity to be singing one of his little songs in my house.

-One of his spirituals, "Amazing…" -"Amazing Grace."

-That's the one. -Amazing bullshit!

Mm-hmm. That and the daddy song.

The daddy song?

The daddy song.

Mm, no.

You know, the goddamn daddy song?

Where they take you out there by the water with the picnic, and they spin around,

and they start doing the, you know…

♪ You are my daddy, I love my daddy ♪

♪ It's all for you 'Cause you're my daddy ♪

♪ I love all you, 'cause you're my daddy ♪

♪ It's all for you 'Cause you're my baby ♪

♪ You are my baby, I love my daddy ♪

I mean, goddamn. How much do you love your daddy

to make a whole goddamn song about him like that?

I guess it's kinda nice, but all day long?

I don't have time for this shit.

I mean, I enjoy his company,

but it's too much of a commitment, you know?

-Okay. -Yeah, um…

Oh! Y'all not gonna believe this.

One of them coal crawlers had the gall to talk back to me.

Boy, I cracked that whip so hard, they heard it all the way down in Biloxi.

Ooh, I know all about that.

I whipped one of mine so hard, the boy started moaning.

-[whip snaps] -[slave moans in pleasure]

Oh yeah.

Moaning?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Moaning like how?

Sort of like…

[inhales deeply, moaning in pleasure]

[inhales deeply] "Oh yeah."

"Oh, I'm close, daddy. Can you give me one more?"

"Ooh."

"Yeah, I like that."

"I've been bad for you today." [inhales through teeth]

[moaning in pleasure]

[breathing shakily]

"Please, please."

"One more. One more so I can release…"

[moans]

You know?

Like that.

I whipped him so hard, the boy's nut hit the floor.

His seed hit the floor.

-He came on the floor. -No, no, no, we heard you, Murphy.

[sighs] All your boys be doin' this?

No, just one of 'em.

Hey, uh, you ever think that maybe…

Nah, never mind.

What?

Murphy, uh,

I think your boy might be… a little sweet.

Sweet?

Like, how?

I ain't no doctor,

but I have heard that sometimes men can prefer the company of other men.

I prefer the company of other men.

No one hates women as much as me.

No. No, I don't think that's what he means, Murphy.

I'm saying, I think your boy may favor menfolk for his fornications.

You got yourself a fella-fucker.

[gasps]

Murphy, think long and hard.

Have you noticed anything else funny?

[intriguing music playing]

[Murphy] No, I don't think so.

Mm! So warm.

Your hands are so soft for a man.

Scrub my hole now.

-Any funny business with your daughter? -My daughter?

And if she ever show her face, you best know I'm gonna say something.

Ooh, girl, stop! You crazy.

[both laughing]

-[slave] Just a little bit. -She look like a pretty horse.

Hi, Daddy!

[Murphy] No, but she kind of fat anyway.

I don't think negroes enjoy the company of heavyset white women, right?

My goodness. This is lovely.

You made this?

-I made it for you. -[Murphy] I feel like prancing.

[slave] I'm not sure on the marble.

It's between the Calacatta and the Danby for me.

I prefer the Danby. It's local, from Vermont.

I love that.

What the hell is an open floor plan?

-I know you sure as hell don't know. -What?!

-Relax. -[Murphy] Okay.

You, for one, do not tell me when to relax.

I relax when I want to relax.

I'm going to relax.

[man 2] I mean, I think it's pretty cut and dry, Murphy.

The boy ejaculated when you whipped him.

I think Murphy's got himself a boyfriend!

[all laughing]

-No, I-- No, I don't. -His moon donkey's a sugarfoot!

-[all laughing] -That's not true.

Y'all are sitting around reading poetry to each other by candlelight.

-I like poetry. -[man 1] I bet you do!

Y'all reading the same books, then talking about what's in the books?

[laughter continues]

He's in a domestic partnership!

-Murphy, you are a dumb motherfucker! -[dramatic music swells, stops abruptly]

Here are your papers.

Now take your shit and get your fella-fuckin' ass up north.

-I don't want no part of this business. -Baby.

I don't want to be free if it means I can't be with you no more.

-Please, baby-- -No.

No! Gross!

Everybody made fun of me, and they laughed.

And they called me "the darkie diddler." I thought we were friends.

Jerry and Thomas, they think I'm sweet.

I ain't sweet. I hate everybody. And you was the only friend I ever had.

And now I hate you too. You think I like that? I don't.

And I ain't no diddler.

So take your ass, and go up north where they diddle all day. Go! Shoo!

-Get out of here! Get! -[sobbing]

Go diddle up north, you hear? Yankees love that shit.

-[mournful orchestral music playing] -[sobbing]

[Murphy] Go!

A man and another man? To use that hole…

[sobbing continues]

[music fades]

What a dumb motherfucker.

-[somber music playing] -I can't believe that shit worked.

Virgil a goddamn genius.

-Come on, baby. -Okay.

I'mma take your big ass up north with me.

Anything you say, chocolate daddy.

[both, seductively] Hey, Master Murphy.

Oh really? You think this is funny, huh?

How about you bend over,

and you stick your pole into his dirt hole and let's see what happens.

That's what I fuckin' thought. Get your ass back to work.

-Come on. What is that? -Hey, man. You ain't commit, bro.

We said we were gonna kiss.

[theme music playing]

[music fades]

[man breathing deeply]

It's always the same shit, you know?

Like, it's people who are just deciding that they're upset for whatever reason.

I have no idea.

And I don't think I've done anything to elicit that response.

I'm just the one who happens to be caught in the moment

when somebody is there trying to explode

or vent their own frustrations about their own lives on me.

I think it's bullshit, you know?

Okay. I hear you.

Can you pinpoint a recent moment where you lost control?

I didn't lose control.

I was provoked.

You said this incident has been sitting with you.

'Cause it's the same thing every day.

Different face. Same entitled rich guy.

[both] Why don't you take me through what happened?

Gladly.

Sure.

[dramatic percussive music playing]

Hi, how's it going?

Hello, you poor old bitch.

No, that bag is not going on my plane.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir,

and I apologize in advance for the inconvenience,

but we are gonna have to check your carry-on.

…motherfucker…

She zeroed in on me like she'd been waiting all day for this motherfucker.

He didn't hear a word I said after "no."

I'm sorry. I don't understand.

I've carried this luggage onto planes dozens of times.

This is preposterous!

How dare you be so ignorant and rude!

Get your fat fucking bald white ass out of my fucking face,

you fucking fat bitch boy!

Again, I'm so sorry, sir, but due to weight and balance limits,

we need to check your bag so the plane can take off safely.

Is your Chinese ass really going to do this right now?

Ma'am, I don't understand.

Is your Chinese ass really gonna do this right now?

I'm sorry, sir, it's… it's really not up to me.

Also, I'm Korean.

I'm Korean, motherfucker! Korean! You ever hear of it?

Now, unless you got a smaller bag inside that big-ass bag,

I don't know what the fuck we are talking about!

Do you? You have a smaller bag in that giant-ass bag?

Let's check it out!

Move over, bitch tits. Let's check it out.

Let's check out if there is actually a smaller bag inside this big-ass bag!

-I don't think there's gonna be-- Oh no…! -[cell phone beeps]

My name is Tom Segura. I'm at the airport.

No, I do see this!

And this vicious woman is violating my personal space.

Smell like asshole to me! [laughs tauntingly]

I'm gonna put this on Twitter.

And if you take one more step, you will lose your job!

-[laughing maniacally] -Sir, please.

It's for the safety of the other passengers.

-Thief! -Okay, you know what?

-You see a smaller bag in here? -Rape!

-No, ma'am. -[Jen] You see one? Do you, bitch boy?

I don't.

-I didn't think so, bitch-tit boy! -[Tom] I feel violated!

Fuck you, you little evil shit.

-[sighs] -[Jen screams]

-[music stops abruptly] -[both] I see. So, if you…

-Oh, no. He wasn't done. -Oh, no. She wasn't done.

Kept crowing at me like a bird.

[Jen] This piece of shit…

[Tom] Like a shitty bird with a shitty voice, you know?

…was just getting started.

The ones you shoot.

Oh. Mm…

Ma'am, I need you to speak English.

Because if I'm being transparent right now,

nothing you are saying is making any sense to me.

[automated voice on phone translating to Chinese]

Of course, sir.

I can slow it down.

Stop crying, you bitch boy!

-Is that in your dialect? -[Jen] Is that slow enough for you?

-I'm guessing it's a South Pacific one. -Oh! Oh, you crying?!

-That's nice. -Oh, you crying!

Oh, this is so sad for you! Oh, everybody check it out!

-She doesn't know I'm rich. -[people in Tom's Reality laughing]

-[glass bottle smashes] -[Jen] Oh, you crying, bitch boy?

Oh, I need my mommy!

-I need to suck on my mommy… -Nice touch.

I'm in boat shoes, you Philistine.

I'm not crying.

This is the funniest thing to happen to me since my second abortion!

[both] And how did that make you feel?

[both] Bad.

And what did you want in that moment?

[both] To not be treated like a problem for…

-Following the rules. -Doing my job.

Okay, I get that.

So, after talking this all out,

how do you think the other person may have felt?

[horror music playing]

-You think you're better than me?! -[Tom laughing evilly]

I'm the white devil! [laughing maniacally]

[Jen screams]

Remember during COVID when everyone was shitting all over Asian people?

Blaming it on you guys? That wasn't me. I didn't do that. I went to a march.

And I… And I posted. I posted a yellow square.

I know, sir.

Thank you for flying Delta.

-[music stops] -[both] Okay. That's our time.

So, how are you feeling right now as we end?

Whatever.

-Fine. -I wish these sessions were longer.

Can't believe this shit's $400 an hour.

[door opens, closes]

[scoffs] What a fucking baby.

What a little bitch.

[both] Next!

-[Jen] Hi. -[Tom] Hi.

I was wondering, are they serving a meal on this flight?

Yes, for first-class passengers.

-Great, thanks. -Yeah.

Oh, um, I'm sorry, sir.

We're gonna need to check your bag.

-[Tom] Really? -Yeah.

Are you sure? I always travel with this.

-Leave it there. I'll take care of it. -Okay.

Thanks.

Thanks.

[announcer speaking indistinctly over PA]

[Virgil] ♪ This is for you ♪

♪ I love my daddy ♪

♪ It's all for you 'Cause you're my daddy ♪

♪ This is for you ♪

♪ I love my daddy ♪

♪ It's all for you 'Cause you're my daddy ♪

♪ This is for you ♪

♪ 'Cause you're my daddy ♪

[laughing]

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