Original subtitles

Supper coming, Geraldine.

Oh, just fine, Jerry.

It won't be long now.

Wait a minute. What's the TV doing out here in the kitchen? And smoking?

Call the fire department.

Get the garden hose.

Take it easy, Jerry. That's not the TV anymore.

It isn't, but... No, silly.

It's the oven.

Oh, be a good brother and stir the potatoes, Jerry.

The oven? Stir the potatoes?

Sure.

Where's the stove?

You're standing right by it. The sofa?

It's the stove.

Oh, I should have guessed.

Most folks rearrange the furniture when they feel they need a little change. But

since I am an inventor, I can go one step further. I rearrange the

furniture's function.

We sure are fortunate having an inventor-type dad like you, Dad.

I'll get it.

Oh, Joey, the phone is now.

Hello?

Over in the sink.

You sure are a genius, Dad.

Hello?

What? They are?

It is?

Thanks. Goodbye.

Oh, wow.

They're re-running my favorite TV program.

Ben Hazy, transplant surgeon.

He's going to perform a toenail transplant.

Oops, I'm too late. The operation is over.

That's the TV.

The stove is in the front room, Jerry.

Oh, yeah.

As we join Ben Hazy, he is just about to

operate.

Scalpel suture.

There goes Jerry Lewis.

But he's right over here.

Well, which one is he really?

It's not very clear.

Because he's here.

Clip and slide and laugh and sing and then he's hiding. Was he? Is he? In a

tizzy. Something's cooking. Is he busy?

Come and go and yes and no. Kitchen sink is overflowing.

Going around revolving doors in the local dinosaurs.

Getting wet in a jet. Dancing to the cast and dance.

about Ben Hasey being rerun, Jerry.

You bet, Rhonda. That was one of my favorite stories, too.

Oh, nobody transplants a toenail like Ben Hasey.

Transplant surgeon.

Do I?

I've watched every operation Ben Hazy has ever operated on.

Say no more.

Yes, sir. Our job employment agency has just the man for you. I shall send him

right over.

This could be my big chance to break into the world of medicine.

Maybe they'll name a TV series after me, huh?

Do your best, Lewis.

This client offered us a tremendous bonus if you work out well.

Don't worry, Mr. Blunderpuss.

Calling Dr.

Lewis!

Don't worry, he says.

Well, at least he has studied medicine.

Say, who is Ben Hazy? Oh, he's a TV program.

A TV program?

Me. Let's see.

I'm to report to, uh, Dr. Running Bird.

1313 Yucca Road, Yucca Flats.

Yucca, yucca. Hmm.

On the way out.

Wow. How way out can you get?

Oh, boy, there's nothing like the royal physician's role for a true, dedicated

man of medicine.

Jacob Lutz!

Hmm, this must be the place.

My bag, driver.

Here, cat.

Thanks a bunch. Forget it. Courtesy is our motto.

Golly, a hippie housing development.

Wonderful. And there's Dr. Running Bird's office.

Go on away, but Dr. ain't in.

Well, when he returns, would you tell him that Jerry Lewis from the odd job

employment... Wow!

Why, welcome.

Hi, old face.

You're Dr. Running Bird?

In the feather.

Golly, I was expecting to meet a different type of doctor. A man of

medicine. I am a different type of doctor. I'm a medicine man.

Why, I've never missed a rerun of Ben Hazy. Me neither.

I'm fooling.

Why, you're going to be perfect for my replacement.

Your replacement?

But I thought you wanted an assistant.

Mr. Blunderbuss said there was a big bonus for us if I worked out, and... Oh,

there is a bonus. You might get to live to a ripe old age.

What? Well, I'm getting a little too old for beatings myself.

Be-be-beatings? Yeah, I just can't seem to please Chief Mean Ugly Bird anymore.

Mean Ugly Bird?

Yeah, and he certainly lives up to his name. Well, arrivederci.

Hmm, I wonder what Ben Hazy would do in a situation like this.

I say, Madison, man!

Coming, Mr. Blund... I mean, Chief.

Your chief mean ugly bird?

Who else?

So, you're the new medicine man, eh?

Well, not exactly.

I don't really... How's that?

You bet him. You bet him your life, chief. I'm the best medicine man you've

ever laid your eyes on.

Why, I can make him medicine like no other medicine man you ever did see him

could do that there.

You make me sick, boy.

See, what did I tell you? Most medicine men make you well, but I, on the other

hand... Oh, knock it off. I say knock it off. You do what I tell you.

That's what I was trying to get across.

We had quite a bad drought lately. The skies have been very dry.

Yeah, it doesn't look like it's rained recently either.

Yeah, that too.

Now your job is going to be to produce a tremendous deluge of precipitation of

the size which will replenish, I say replenish, the underground reservoirs.

For a second there, I thought you were going to ask me... To make it rain.

I did, I did, I did, I did, I did.

Let's see now. This usually works.

Washing a car is...

a wash rag cinch. It should be clouding up any minute.

For your sake, I say, I certainly hope so.

Don't worry, Chief. When washing a car fails, this always brings a downpour.

Wash at 7, rain at 11.

I've seen it happen once. I've seen it happen a million times.

Would you believe 9,999?

We'll be right back.

I'm sorry you gave me one more chance, Chief.

The last time I washed windows, it rained the weekend.

I say, I don't want you to think my faith in you is faltering, Lewis.

But whom do you consider, I say, whom do you consider your next of kin?

Someone's cooking a roast. I say a ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-roast.

A roast, T.P.! My T.P. is on fire!

Thanks so much for the window washing.

This is an emergency.

Don't you know where there is smoke, there's fire?

It's another thing.

Where there's a bucket, there's not always water.

I must have used it all trying to make up the rain.

Don't look now, Chief Mean Ugly Bird, but your eyes are terribly bloodshot.

Being your medicine man, may I suggest plenty of rest? No running, perhaps a

cool shower?

Sorry,

make that a sunbed.

Medicine man, where are ye medicine man?

I say, wait till I get my hands on you, you phony!

Gee, what a grouch!

Roger, baby!

How's that for you?

How do you like our disguises, baby?

Might know a one-ton sun can't keep a big cactus shut.

Boy, am I glad to see you two. You see, there's this big, cheap, mean, ugly

bird, and... Have observed same.

Have had situation under surveillance for some time.

You're sure in a...

Mess, boogalup. However, must continue on previous case.

Ah, see you around, jar vibe.

One time, Hong Kong.

Oh, boy.

Hong Kong, is that you?

No, it's I, Princess Foley.

And I'm very sad.

What's the matter? No dial tone?

The spell has been cast on my true love, and he has been turned into a mean, ugly

bird. You mean, you mean, uh, he, the chief?

Yes.

I saw a story like this once on TV. If I can get the chief to fall asleep.

And I give him a kiss.

The spell is broken.

Ben Hazy.

Did you see the show where?

The toenail transplant.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

That's right. And I want to add in today's paper.

Good, I say good.

A most humble servant would like to place even more humble correct

corporate. I didn't know Chinese cactus grew around these parts.

Oh, knock it, I say knock it off.

paper now here

we are wanted

handyman medicine men just haven't been working out lately

now to put the cheat to sleep

No!

Earmuffs.

Please, Chief Ugly Mean Bird, do what you will to me, but please spare the

lives of my dear friends.

That's right. Good idea.

Boy,

with friends like that, who needs enemies?

He'll be right back to have some fun with you.

He's got a few more tricks up his sleeve.

Who knows what he'll do? We're going to have fun.

Friends like that.

Honorable cousin, only jesting, professor.

You are here as a result of my phone call, right?

Oh, no. I'm here in answer to an ad in the paper.

You're a handyman?

The handiest in the best.

How are you at producing rain?

Rain?

That's a lead-piped finch.

Boy, am I glad to see you in dance, Geraldine. You saved my life.

It's the least we could do, Jerry.

Huh?

an unending source of cactus containing water, your water values are over, Chief

Mean Ugly Bird.

This ain't nothing to being able to operate my own electric plant. Now I can

get a color TV.

I think I'm about the happiest bird in the witch.

Not yet, Chief.

Huh? What do you mean?

Uh, being the local medicine man, it's my duty to inform you that you have a

spell cast upon you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what?

Warrant?

What's the matter? Princess Phony is here to break the spell.

Unveil the princess one time.

Jack jar, baby.

Uh, come, Chief Mean Ugly Bird. Let me kiss you on your beacon. Break the

spell. Well, I'm in there, I see.

Gee, isn't this so magic, Jerry?

Yeah, gosh, it's like watching a late, late show.

Hold everything, please.

It's more like a rate-rate show than you know.

Princess Phony is in reality.

Princess Phony Baroni.

It's the stagecoach, Dweiser.

You were just after my money.

What else?

Will Princess none other than... Excuse me?

Look at the running horse.

Hiya, sweetie.

Oh, my golly. Well, if and it's all the same to everybody, I say I'd just as

soon make a confession.

It's not the running bird.

I'm not done.

Van Hazy.

From the program of the same name.

Van Hazy, can I have your autograph?

This is the very thing I came out west to get away from.

Come, Mr. Hazy. This way.

It's for my mother. Come on back.

Whoa.

Galpel, suture, sponge, clamps.

Boy, Geraldine, I bet it's not everyone that gets to watch the great Ben Hazy

operate in person.

Yeah. Who gets a drumstick?

There goes Jerry.

Which one is he really?

It's not very clear.

Because he's here, there, everywhere.

Up the street, down the stairs. Running, jumping, slipping, sliding, laughing,

singing. Then he's hiding. Was he? Is he? In a tizzy. Something's cooking.

Is he busy? Come and go and yes and no. Kitchen sink is overflowing. Oh, I found

it by the door. In the local dinosaurs.

dancing through the castanets look around foreign there he goes private eye

it's so confusing