Original subtitles

There goes Jerry Lewis. [music]

But he's right over here.

Well, which one is he really?

[music]

It's not very clear.

[music]

Cuz he's here, there, everywhere. Up the

street, down the stairs. Running,

jumping, [music] slipping, sliding,

laughing, singing, then he's hiding.

What's he in? Is he in a suitcase?

Something's cooking. Is he busy? Coming,

going, yes and no. Kitchen [music] sink

is overflowing. Going round with balls

and dolls and little dinosaurs. Getting

wet, eating a jet, dancing to the

castanets. [music]

Looking around for a spot. There he

goes, he's driving a truck.

Oh, yeah!

He's talking TO ME.

OH, YEAH!

[music]

WELL, THE REAL JERRY LEWIS, PLEASE

SIT DOWN.

HOW'S THAT NOW? Here we go. Let's have a

great big smile.

Ready now? Light, camera, action.

Uh gosh, Dad,

what should I do now?

Nothing, nothing. That's the beauty part

of my new hocus focus camera. The actors

just stand there WHILE THE CAMERA DOES

THE WORK. WATCH.

It can make you walk forward.

It can make you walk backward.

It can make two of you.

It can twirl YOU IN THE AIR.

[music]

OR DROP YOU TO THE GROUND.

JUST THINK HOW MUCH THIS will save the

studio in actors.

But think how much it'll cost them in

doctors.

Gosh, that's fantastic, Daddy. How does

it work?

It functions on the principle of kinetic

cathode beams, which when harnessed to

the energy output of the audio frequency

oscillator creates an electro-parabolic

modulation resulting in a scanning

preselector imaging of scanner's SCOPE

WITH MICRO CATHODE KINESCOPE

CAPABILITIES.

OH, [crying and screaming]

I'm sorry I asked.

Mark my words, this camera will

revolutionize the movie industry. One

small step for man, but a giant leap for

the popcorn business, get it, old pal?

Uh but gosh, Dad, it really isn't

perfected yet.

Sonny, that's your whole problem. You're

always so confounded negative.

[music]

I see what you mean.

[laughter]

[music]

Going up.

13, please.

Don't tell me. Uh let let me guess. Uh

you're the new chairman of the board.

GET IT? BOARD.

GET IT?

VERY THAT IS AMUSING. BOARD, YEAH.

[music]

I could have sworn he said he was going

up.

[music]

Yes? WHO IS IT?

OH, IT'S JUST YOU, JERRY.

HI, RHONDA.

You certainly have a strange [music] way

of coming work.

Uh

actually I came straight up Main Street

and then I turned left on Oak Drive and

then I

No, I mean sliding in on this board.

Oh, that's that's my karate practice.

You certainly are versatile. First

karate, [music]

now an Indian rain dance.

Oh, that's my board.

I need this for tonight's Girl SCOUT

MEETING.

WE'RE ROASTING MARSHMALLOWS AND I

promised I'd bring THE FIREWOOD.

BYE.

THEY'RE NOT MAKING KID sisters like they

used to.

Or big brothers either.

Darn it. Every time I'm around Rhonda,

nothing seems to work right for me.

OH MY GOSH.

LOUIS,

get in here on the double.

C-c-c-c-coming, Mr. Blunderpuss.

As soon as I gather up a few loose ends.

D-d-d-d-did you bellow, Mr. Blunderpuss?

Yes. You're to report to Tinamount

Pictures for a job assignment.

Tinamount Pictures? Where they make all

the movies?

The very same.

Wow. I'll bet I'll really clean up

[music] on this job.

That is the whole idea.

Mr. Blunderpuss said I'd be working with

the higher-ups

and you can't get much higher-up than

this. Imagine

me washing windows at a big movie

studio. I'm practically in show

business.

Oh, lunchtime. I'll just sit here and

watch them make movies WHILE I EAT.

[screaming]

THAT'S A COWBOY MOVIE. THEY'RE USING AN

AWFULLY OVERWEIGHT HORSE.

THE RHINO'S ESCAPED AND THAT'S NOT IN

THE SCRIPT. ROD, she's your co-star. Do

something.

I'd like to help, but

unfortunately, he's trotting from my

worst side.

This is horrible. Miss Daling's being

trampled.

Yes, and the publicity will make me

Ralph Rott, the most famous producer in

Hollywood.

Letting that rhino loose was SHEER

BRILLIANT.

[screaming]

NOW WAIT, THIS IS EXCITING. OOPS.

Gotcha this time. Uh-oh.

Now I really am in trouble. Littering is

a serious offense IN THIS TOWN.

[music]

WHERE DID THAT interfering ninny come

from?

You brave, wonderful man. You risked

your own life to save mine.

Aren't you Dimples Darling?

I could simply kiss you.

LIVE IT UP WHILE YOU CAN, PAL.

WE'RE SUING YOU FOR EVERY CENT YOU GOT.

COME ON, CLARENCE. Come on, Clarence.

Who is that?

The rhino's agent.

Get down from there, you.

Yes, SIR. RIGHT AWAY.

I'M RALPH ROTT. IMAGINE BUMPING into

you.

Nephew Jerry.

Oh, I MIGHT HAVE KNOWN.

GOSH, ARE you in this movie?

This film is being

by Ralph Rat, produced by Ralph Rat, and

written by Ralph Rat.

Oh, I get it. In other words, it's a

completely rotten production.

Ralph, the least you can do is give him

a job in the picture. After all, he did

save my life.

Yes, and I'd like to blast him.

What?

Did I say

yes? I'd like to cast him. He can be

Rodney's double.

Not cousin Rodney? Only the unblemished

flesh? Ralph, it's nice to see you.

Yes, I'll bet it must be.

Cousin Jerry will be your stand-in.

My stand-in? But he's not nearly as

pretty as me.

I know, but Miss Darling insists upon

it.

Hmm, she's not as pretty as me, either.

Look, Rodney, it's better if Jerry does

the dangerous stunts. After all, we

don't want some accident [music]

to damage your gorgeous profile.

It wouldn't dare.

Oh, please, cousin Rodney. Let me be

your stand-in, huh?

Well, all right, but only in long shots.

Sure thing, cousin Rodney.

Good. First thing, we'll put you in a

nice [music] tiger skin.

Uh-huh, okay. Just make sure you take

out the tiger first.

Better make that extremely

long shots.

Gosh, Uncle Ralph, it's real nice of you

to give me my big break.

Believe [music] me, if things work out

the way I plan, you should have lots of

breaks coming your way.

[music]

That's right. I want a $50,000 insurance

policy on a party named Jerry Lewis.

What's that?

Do I suspect he'll meet with a tragic

accident? [music]

He will if he knows what's good for him.

Now, to arrange for a little accident to

that numbskull nephew of mine, and the

$50,000 is mine. I know you're wondering

how one man can be so mean, low-down,

and vicious.

Just call lucky, I guess.

[music]

[music]

[music]

Ready when you are, R R.

Good. Now, in this scene, you shall

swing across this pool of deadly PIRANHA

FISH.

THOSE LITTLE things look hungry. You

ought to feed them something.

That's precisely what I had in mind.

Lights, action, camera.

Here goes nothing.

He calls $50,000

nothing?

That Tarzan yell is really his swan

song.

That vine will snap at any minute.

The vine broke. I wonder how that

happened.

Just ask the little old VINE BREAKER,

ME.

OOH, THOSE FISH WERE RIPPED TO SHREDS.

How horrifying.

That's what a news could cause, worry

lines.

I can't watch.

ANCIENT PROVERB SAY, do not count on

seafood dinner until a final net result.

Uncle Hong Kong Phooey, it's the Chinese

detective. What are you doing here?

Unknown person has taken out a large

accident policy on you.

On me?

If uh you get the damage, unknown person

stand to collect $50,000.

I don't blame him. I'd also stand to

collect $50,000 or even sit

or even lie down.

[laughter]

This is a not a laughing matter. Suspect

something fishy going on.

See what I mean?

Gosh, Uncle Hong Kong, who'd want to

hurt me?

Well, there's me for one.

Mhm.

Nephew standing in path of foreign

spotlight. Must remedy situation

quickly.

Gosh, that was quick thinking, Uncle

Hong Kong.

Ancient proverb say, burning question

often lead to seat of problem.

Maybe this throw some light on mystery.

Uh

hiya, Pop.

One Ton Son, what in name of 10,000

dragons were you doing down there?

Well, man, just trying to get to the

bottom of this case, Pop.

What One Ton Son lack in brains make up

for in stupidity.

I just like got to cut down on those

between meal fortune cookies, you dig?

Breathe, to remove overstuffed body from

that of honorable father.

Sorry, pop.

Hey, Jerry, baby. Long time NO SEE, MAN.

HI, COUSIN MARVIN. It sure is good to

see both of you. And your father also.

Can we knock off the cousins club

meeting and get on with the movie?

Oh, sure, Uncle Ralph.

Good. Now, in this next scene, you're

forced to fight Nagumba, THE MIGHTY BULL

APE.

WOW, IS THAT REALISTIC? Whoever's inside

that costume is some PRETTY GOOD ACTOR.

BOY, EVEN THE RUBBER BARS LOOK REAL.

WHAT A GREAT COSTUME. CAN I TRY ON THE

HEAD?

IT'S THE REAL THING.

NATURALLY. I am a stickler for realism.

Time to take a break?

OR GET A FEW.

GOODBYE, NEPHEW. HELLO, 50 THOU.

SO SORRY, One-Ton Son, but this hurts

you more than IT DOES ME.

HEY NOW, WHY'D YOU DO THAT,

BOB?

Ancient proverb say, a wise father knows

when to apply palm to son's posterior.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

This oriental loaf is driving me

bananas, but I've [music] still got a

few more schemes up me sleeve.

Jerry [music] says

he'll be right back to have some fun

[music] with you.

He's got a few more tricks

up his sleeve.

[music]

Who knows what he'll do?

We're going to have fun.

[singing]

We're going to have fun.

[music]

I dive over 200-ft cliff, uh, but Uncle

Ralph, that wasn't in the script.

I know. I just rewrote the part

especially for you.

Really?

Yes. I want to make sure you get every

possible break.

You sure I won't get hurt?

How could you? We filled the tank with

soft water.

Okay, if you say so.

Suspect a loaf lot up to some sort of

Yankee hanky-panky, but not sure yet of

what.

One nephew on the rocks, coming down

Nick.

Oh my gosh.

So, that's his plan. And this time we

powerless to interfere. [music]

Well, as Chinese philosopher once say,

"Que sera, sera."

I wonder which Chinese philosopher

quoted that one.

Philosopher named Doris Day.

I know a better ancient saying,

"Accident [music] is the best policy."

Uncle Ralph didn't tell me this picture

has an unhappy ending. For me!

Quick, I must SEE THE PRODUCER.

THE HOCUS FOCUS [music] CAMERA FROZE the

actor in midair.

Hocus Focus.

That's right. It projects a kinetic beam

which controls the actor instead [music]

of their serviceroni.

Servicer?

That's

vice versa. Vice versa.

Oh. For instance, it can cause an actor

TO SPEED UP

OR SLOW DOWN.

OR EVEN GO BACKWARDS.

THE polarizing strobe scope seems to be

stuck.

Eric?

Dad?

Cousin Professor Rufus.

Cousin Hong Kong.

While you celebrate Old Home Week, I

shall take this gadget.

Wait, you mustn't.

Why not? With this invention, I shall

soon be a millionaire. And if anyone

gets in my way, I'll just point this at

them.

No, don't turn it on.

WHY NOT?

[laughter]

BECAUSE YOU'RE HOLDING IT BACKWARDS,

DUMMY.

Turn it off.

It seems TO BE STUCK.

HEY,

DO SOMETHING. SOMETHING IN this unsticks

it.

Rudolph like a newfound power has gone

TO HIS HEAD.

IT SEEMS TO BE JAMMED.

[music]

Maybe this will do it.

Yeah, that should stop him.

Now, to put it in reverse.

Oh my goodness, that's the wrong

direction.

Help!

Quick, open the door.

B-b-b-but Uncle Ralph.

Don't argue, just open it.

[music]

I tried to tell you about the brick

wall, but you WOULDN'T LISTEN.

I DON'T THINK HE'S LISTENING NOW,

EITHER.

WELL, YES, he's

a talking crocodile.

Please,

I promise I'll never buy another wallet

again.

Don't be frightened, Jerry. It's only

me.

Geraldine, what are you doing here?

I want to break into the movies, too.

Aha!

It appears that lawbreaker

is unknown owner of accident piracy.

Aha! Then he was like the one who was

out to hate old Cousin Jed, right?

Precisely. But plot foiled, thanks to

kid sister Geraldine.

Gee, thanks, Geraldine. And I think

you've got a great future in the movies.

Really, Jerry?

Yes, PLAYING BIT PARTS.

[music]

LOOKS LIKE I'M A WASHUP AS A movie star,

too.

So what, Jerry? Daddy and I love you

anyway.

That's right, sonny. You may not be

handsome, charming, or talented, but

you've [music] got a lot of other

qualities.

Really, Dad? Like what?

Well, like uh

uh

uh

Yeah.

You don't have to try to cheer me up. I

I know I'm a flop at everything I try.

AND THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, LEWIS.

MR. BUNGLEPUSS.

And I want you back at Paramount

Pictures tomorrow morning for a screen

test.

A

a a screen test? Honest?

Yes. You did such a good job on the

windows and they now want to try you out

on screens.

I was

Professor, that's what I admire about

your son. It takes so little to make him

happy.

There goes Jerry [music] Lewis.

But he's right over here.

Well, which [music] one is he really?

It's not very clear.

Cuz he's [music] here and there,

everywhere. Up the street, down the

stairs. Run [music] and jump and skip

and slide and laugh and sing and then

he's hide. What he is he in [music] a

tizzy? Something's cooking. Is he busy?

Come and go and yes and no and kitchen

sink is overflowing.

[music]

Oh and found the porcelain dolls in the

local dinosaur's. Getting wet, in a jet,

dancing to the castanets.

[music]

Looking around for a spot. There he

goes, driving a

car. It's so confusing, BUT SO AMUSING.

WHAT [music] IS HE DOING NOW?

WILL THE real Jerry LEWIS PLEASE

SIT

DOWN?

[music]