Original subtitles

By Jov, I too believe that's one of those flakless birds I've heard so much about.

I say, what business does an Arctic penguin have in a deciduous forest?

Perhaps I'll bring you home to Mildred.

We'll put a bell around your neck and give you

a dashing name like Rupert or Winston or...

and fluffy pan.

by Elizabeth Stitt!

How my demons is holding

They were making X subject

Where?

Where am I? You are in my lab. My associate

brought you here.

Isn't that right, Mr. Skrigims? Why? What do you want from me?

I don't want anything from you, my dear man. I just need you. Why me?

Oh, I can list reasons that you are perfect for my purposes. Your beer gut.

Your minuscule intelligence. Your overall vertilousness to society as a whole.

But I'm gonna be honest with you.

You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I...

I don't understand.

Of course you don't.

I will spare you more confusion and put this in terms you will understand.

You are here to play mama to my little baby.

Wh-wh-wha-what?

I've placed something inside you. A parasite to be exact.

It needed a warm place to incubate, feed and grow.

Your stomach was a perfect place.

Once it has reached maturity, it will burst free and

it will be able to feed on its own without a host.

Oh, damn. When should I expect that to happen?

About two seconds.

Lovely.

Now, I'll just need some more test subjects for my creation to feed on. Blah, blah.

Yes. You're right. It

is time.

you

You got some mail boy! What is it, Gramps?

Fuck if I know, why don't you open it? Who the heck is Dr. Wolfgang Wagner?

Hmm. That name sounds familiar. I bet he's a kraup. It says I won something.

Well, read it out loud, boy!

Congratulations Charlie Hawkins.

You have won the chance to win a million million dollars.

Million, million sounds like that clearinghouse bullshit.

Survive a night in the impenous Wagner mansion and a million dollars is yours.

I remember that place. They built that thing about 40 years ago now I suppose.

I'd stay away from there Charlie.

It's spooky and that Wagner character is probably a Nazi.

Gramps, not every German person is a Nazi! This sounds great!

Do you know what I could do with this million dollars? Oh, bang Ava Gardener?

No Gramps. I can open

up the dime store again. Oh, the dime stor!

Oh, that dime store would be nice to open it back up.

It's not the family business back up! Yeah!

With this money, I could keep the family tradition going.

The store could be better than it ever was.

The Hawkins name would mean something in this town again.

Oh, look at you boy. You're all pissing vinegar.

You remind me of me when I was your age.

Of course when I I was in Poland gunning down those goddamn national socialists.

Well not all of us can be War Heroes, Gramps.

That's right.

Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I punched Adolf Hitler in his ding ding?

Boom!

He cried like a little girl. Yeah, lots of times actually. Oh good.

I'm pretty sure that one's true.

It says in the letter here that me and a select

few others from around town are invited to

stay this Friday night. I really think I should do this. I don't know Charlie boy.

A million smackers sounds like the cat's ass but

I'm not too sure about this Wagner character.

Oh, he's probably just a lonely old man looking

for something to do with his riches before

he passes away.

I gotta run and tell Gwen. Gwen? Hmm. You're broken off a piece of that yet? What?

You, uh, fiddled her faddle? Did she ride your baloney pony?

I don't know what you're- Oh, yeah, have your fuck your boy!

Oh, Gramps, don't be gross. Oh, fucking ain't gross, son. It's good for you.

Clean us out your pipes. I

used to fuck. Your grandma six ways this Sunday.

Hey look at me. I'm 70 years old and fit as a goddamn fiddle.

I fight like a bear, shit like a gorilla,

and I could fill a bucket with my giant balls. Okay, I'm gonna go now.

See ya Gramps. See ya boy. Oh, just whip it out in front of her. Hee hee hee.

Oh they love it out.

Drys them wild. Hehehe. Eh. Hmm.

This whole haunted mansion business makes me itchy. Something ain't right.

It aboo!

Damn it!

BLEEEE

Hey there Mr. Wilson. How's the garden this season?

Hey! Tell your grapity to go fuck himself Hawkins! Okay then!

Oh my little precious, if only he knew squiggums...

If only he know how perfect he is... Indeed!

He does seem to be hungry. Give him something to snack on.

Yes, yes, oh my beautiful, beautiful baby. Eat and grow powerful.

There's plenty more of us that came from. Rawr!

Oh.

You will be the greatest creature this world has ever seen!

The human race will weep at your feet!

A time is coming! L-L- Yes, you're right. We should prepare for our guests.

A friend here can only subsist on rodents for so long.

Friday night my precious child will feast upon the lowest form of life known to man.

Teenagers!

TN Crumpets! Goddammit!

Blimey! Ugh!

I'm spent like a panel of. Yeah. I noticed.

Ah, come on Mona. Don't pretend you didn't enjoy the ride. What's that? What's what?

That letter on the floor. Some junk mail I suppose. I didn't read it.

I thought I might use it to start a fire or something.

It's too bloody quiet near. We need some mood music.

Have you seen my cannibal cunt's tape? Christ, Iggy, you didn't read this? No.

Some old fucker is giving away a million dollars. What? You dumb, limey bastard.

If we go and stay in this dude's mansion for one night, we get a million dollar.

Uh, that sounds like bullshit. Sounds rad. Don't tell me you bought into this.

Are you kidding me?

Even if this butthole is lying about the money, there's

probably all sorts of cool shit in that mansion we could lift.

Yeah, see, that's what I love about you. You got that critical thinking moined.

Oh, I dig it. We gotta do this. Anything for you, love.

Now move your bum! What? Your bear arse is sitting on my cassette. Fuck you Iggy.

What? Come on, you are getting butt juice on it. I can't

be good for it.

You are an asshole!

Quinn!

I've got big news!

Hey Charlie! Gwen, you'll never believe this. I have something crazy to tell you.

Really? Me too. Hold on, I'll be right down. Okay, you go first. I uh...

I might win a million dollars! Me too! Oh, you got the same invitation?

That's great, we can go together! Really? Of course!

What would you do with the money? I'm gonna reopen the family store.

That'd be great! I mean, if you won, but you probably won't. What?

Why do you say that? Well... Charlie, I'm telling you this is a friend.

Please don't take it the wrong way. Okay.

You're a giant pussy. Excuse me?

Charlie, you peed your pants last year in the haunted corn maze.

I told you it wasn't- I know, I know. You spilled soda on your pants.

Yeah.

And besides, that guy was really, really scary.

He had a chainsaw.

How was I supposed to know I didn't have a chain on it?

Everyone was scared.

Oh, Charlie. You might be a pansy, but you're my pansy.

So, what are you

gonna do with the money if you win?

That's easy. I'm going shopping. Oh, um...

Now, uh, ambitious. Well, anyway, I gotta get going.

Grams still have dinner ready soon. Okay, Charlie. Catch the bus with me Friday?

You betcha.

Hmm. I wonder who else got invited.

They're coming to get you Barbara. Oh yes they are. You little mink.

Fucking what, mother? Remy Darling, what are you doing?

Go away, mom, I'm watching my films. Oh, I am sorry. I just

have mail for you. Ah!

Just slide it under the door! Okay, Raimi. Mommy loves you. Uh-huh.

Hmm... Just like

House on Haunted Hill with Vengeant Price.

Man, a million

bucks could buy me a lot of bootlegs.

Or maybe, just maybe,

a real life girl.

I'll see you Friday, Dr. Wolfgang Wagner.

Hmm.

Am I really a pansy?

I can do this, right?

It's just one night.

Giant mansion.

middle of nowhere.

I hope

Ah, jeez.

I am a giant pussy.

I don't know why I'm surprised.

I've known Gwen since we were in kindergarten, and I've

never been able to work up the nerve to ask her out.

No wonder no one respects our family. There's

only two of us left.

One's a senile foulmouth curmudgeon.

And the other is me. A WIMP.

A good for nothing scaredy cat.

Well you know what?

Not anymore.

This is my chance. I'll prove to everyone that the Hawkins are worth a darn.

I'm gonna stay the night in that mansion, and I'm going to win a million bucks.

And most importantly,

I'm gonna ask Gwen out. Hey,

Ockens! Quit your damn yelling!

Sorry.

Hey mom and dad!

Um...

Sorry I haven't been by much. My summer job just ended.

Everything's pretty much the same around here.

Mr. Wilson still screams at me every time I walk by his house.

and the town still hates grandpa for showing his um...

Weiner.

to the mayor and the mayor's family.

and the bussit girl scouts that just happen to be driving by.

Whew, that was a rough day. Anyway.

So I was thinking I could open the dime store again.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

And I think I may have found a way.

I got this letter in the mail saying that if

I stay all night in this mansion, the owner

will give me a million dollars.

That would be more than enough to reopen the

store, and I could pay off grandpa's legal

fees.

I have to say though.

I'm a little scared to stay there.

I mean, I'm gonna do it.

I'm not gonna chicken out.

But Graham seems to be against the whole idea.

I can tell he really doesn't want me to do it.

I know it's a long shot, but I was thinking...

maybe.

Um

Maybe if you guys thought it was a bad idea you can give me a sign or something.

Anything will do.

Okay, well if you guys think it's a good idea then I have no excuse not to do it.

Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Yeah. This

is alright. It's just a...

It's scary for us, I'm cool.

I can do this. I'm gonna hike. I'm hiking down

the wilderness.

I grill the atoms.

Alright, it's cool. Let's go. What the fuck is that?

Oh, it's a rock. Oh, I can't. It's a rocking rock. I like rocks, whatever.

It's rock.

Okay.

hiking, walking through the forest, walking, what is it?

Tree, there's a tree, okay, tree, some, the school, tree. See you in the summertime.

Ha ha ha ha, we're all producers of oxygen, I don't care, whatever's in tree.

Hi tree!

Okay, walking, we are walking through the forest. We're walking through to forest.

Tree's in rocks, tree's in, rocks, trees in. Oh, it's your bunny.

Ha ha, it is your bunny! Oh, hi there bunny. How are you doing?

What are you doin' out here in the scary forest, bunny? What are ya?

And we're jogging, we're in the forest, we are jogging. Okay, get in shape, jogging!

Well, we here. Yep, we sure are. I guess we have to walk the rest of the way.

Yeah, I can see a trail. Do you think anyone else is coming?

What the heck is that? I don't know.

It sounds like someone beating a bag of cats with a saxophone.

Hmm. How, uh, specific.

Yeah. I suppose this is what they mean when they say, BUMFUCK, huh?

I guess so. Too bad we can't get closer to the house.

I guess you bitches are the competition. Um, I'm Gwen. It's nice to meet you.

Uh-huh. Who's the pussy? Um...uh...

This is Charlie, and you don't have to be so rude.

Eh, don't mind her. She's a bit of a tart, that one.

I'm Iggy, and this sweet piece of ass is called Mona.

Well, it's nice, uh, to meet both of you.

Yeah, so shall we? Looks like we have a bit of a hike ahead of us.

Yeah, let's get a move on.

I catch you looking at my ass and I'll have Iggy rip your dick off. No, I uh...

It's true. I will castrate you. Okay, sorry. Not yet, you ain't.

Coming to my parlor sets the spider to the fly.

Wow. It's even spookier up close. Oingo, boingo! It really is!

Fucking A. Yeah, it's like something out of a horror movie.

Did somebody say horror movie?

It is vaguely reminiscent of the Addams family

mansion, although I'd rather liken its appearance

to the Victorian manner seen in The Changing, starring George C. Scott.

You may know him better from what's more famous film, Patton. What the fuck are you?

My name is Raimi Campbell.

I appear to be the fifth member of this would-be adventuring party. Five of us.

I wonder if there are any more. Not likely.

I've been the only one for the past three hours and the storm brewing above

us will prevent any late comers from taking the trek through the forest.

You've been here for three hours? Indeed. Why so early? Was I early?

Or

is it all of you who are late? No, you were early. Fair enough.

Should

we knock on the door?

Oh yeah.

Welcome to my home!

You, Agne. The very same, my friend.

You may call me Wolfgang. It's an honor to meet you, sir. I am Campbell, yes.

I know who you are. I know all of you. Remy, Ignatius, Gvandalin, and Charles and...

Hmm.

I stand corrected.

I don't know who this exquisite creature is.

Oh, that's Mona. She's a bit of a tag along. I hope that's okay.

Hmm. I don' see why not. The more the merrier.

How do you know our names?

Um, he invited us here, Charlie. He would have to know our names. Oh, uh, yeah.

Right. Fucking wanker.

The real question is why did he invite us specifically?

That

is the real question, Reimi.

I will gladly answer it, but first you must all come inside.

The weather is conspiring against us, it seems. Please follow me.

You are all surely wondering why you specifically were invited.

And yes, you are the only ones. There will be no other visitors attending.

Yeah, we are wondering why your chose us. So come on, out with it.

Let's just say that each of you has relatives who were...

friends of mine.

I am nearing the twilight of my existence and I have no children of my own.

I need someone to pass my fortune to.

I knew it! Now, let's

get down to business.

To earn the money, you must survive the night here in the mansion.

The mansion is quite old and very haunted, you see.

The rules are simple.

If you leave before the sun rises, you forfeit your chance to win the money.

Those who remain will split the price. Wait, wait, wait.

The letter didn't say anything about splitting the money?

Also didn't said anything about inviting you, Mona.

Perhaps you should be thankful I am allowing you to participate.

So, where will we be staying? Will our room be... Eheheheh...

Kuweth?

Not on your damn life, Skuzmonkey. You wanna share a room, Charlie? Uh, uh, yeah!

I mean, uh... If you want

to, I don't care, but yeah, I'm totally Kuwth. I mean...

If you are, I mean... Yes, let's

do that. Great!

Please feel free to warn the house and grounds.

Just stay clear of the woods in the front and

don't go any further than the cemetery out

back.

Never mind. Yes, yes. Feel free to explore. I have nothing to hide.

Wah wah! Oh, so, uh, I'll bring you to your rooms!

What the hell were you thinking? What what?

I don't care how long you've been waiting, you're almost ruined this entire plan!

You're very lucky that this gaggle of good vernacing is especially stupid!

What what?!

Hawkins and his girl are in their room, Remy is wandering around

the house, and the Limey and his friends are in the graveyard.

I haven't decided yet. All I know is that Hawkins is the last to go.

He has to be. Like, like. Seriously? After all you have put me through?

Ah, I don't know how you do it, but I can't stay mad at you.

There

is a bucket of fish in the lab, go nuts!

Don't eat too fast! You'll upset your tummy!

Winston Churchill

Well, that was a little longer than last time, I think.

Blimey, that was fantastic. Mona. Mona.

Look at this. Jesus Christ, there's a storm coming. Bad one. Yeah.

Iggy, what do you think about all this? All of what?

This, this house, that creepy old bastard.

I think it's a good chance to make some cash.

I guess so. I thought this was a good idea, but now I've got a bad feeling.

Come on, love. You know I won't let anything happen to you.

Mommy, shit, shit mommy. Fuck, what was that? Real fucking brave.

Did you hear that? I think it touched me. Shut up, I think was a cat.

A black cat? That's bad luck. I don't need that bad choo-choo on me.

It's over there behind that gravestone. Here, kid. Kitty kitty!

Mona, don't go over there. If it's a kitty, I want to bring it in out of the rain.

It could get sick. Yeah, well what if it ain't a kitty? Huh? What then?

Kitty kitty. You big fucking wiener, it's just a little kitten.

I had a little baby man. Leave it alone.

It probably has rabies or earpees or something. Ooh, I like your stripe kitty.

Stripe?

Ha ha ha ha! I told you it wasn't a kitty! Ha ha!

Oh my god! Oh my God! What is this?

Oh that's a bleeding skunk love! Your kitty is a skunk! Ha ho ho ho!

The smell is horribly fucking bastard!

Hey! I didn't do anything! Damn! I do believe that just made my day!

Come on Charlie, let's go explore. Don't get me wrong.

Warringing a giant Victorian death trap.

Excuse me! Haunted death trap sounds really fun!

But I think we have a better chance of winning

this thing if we just stay here and hunker down.

Ugh, Charles Hawkins, where is your sense of adventure? I don't know.

Probably just in a dark closet somewhere hanging out with my self-esteem.

Come on, Charlie. No way! I need to win this money.

My best bet is just to wait the night out.

You seriously just came here for the money? Of course! Isn't that why you came?

No. No, it isn't. This is...

This is exciting, Charlie! It's scary, but it's exciting!

How many people in their entire lifetime get a chance to do something like this?

The only thing that matters to me is reopening the store.

If there was another way, I wouldn't be here.

In fact, I probably would have chickened out anyway, if well...

Never mind. No, tell me. If what? If uh...

if you weren't coming too. I'm just saying I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

You really are a wimp, Charlie Hawkins. Forget it. But...

You are also pretty adorable. I am? Yeah.

Hey, swingers, who's ready for a three-way?

Raimi, if you don't turn around and walk out of this

room right now, I'm going to rip your balls off!

Don't make promises you can't keep, finger cuffs. Out! No!

Fine. But your rule the day you rejected Raimi Campbell. Rue it, I say.

Rue!

Geez, what a little asshole.

Okay, where were we?

Charlie? Does this look familiar? Uh, yeah. Charlie, it's a bookcase. Big whoop.

This bookcase is exactly like the one downstairs. There's a case downstairs? Yeah.

Remember? No. It opened! There was a penguin in a secret passageway.

Oh yeah, I kinda remember that. That was weird.

Look, I've found my sense of adventure and it's telling me that this bookcase

is a secret-passageway. Okay, Dr. Jones, how do we open this thing? I have no idea.

Well, let's figure it out.

Ah, damn it. I just can't catch a break.

What in the wide world a Spock is that a smell? Oh, hey there Mona.

You know, with your massive...

...him eyes, you look a lot like the amazing Adrian Barbo.

Not right now, geek. I need to shower.

Ah geez, that smell is you.

Even so, how do you like to make your scrubbing a team sport? I will murder you.

Fair enough. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room um...

Using the Force. What? Is that

nerd talk? You speak in geek language to me?

You know, I'll be igniting my lightsaber, eh?

Eh, never mind.

What a weird little guy.

Hmm. I probably would have laid him if he kept trying. Seriously?

Uh, no.

Go wash your ass, you harpy. You stink. So do you.

Touche.

Oh, oh shit. Ugh,

my

head.

Hello Ignatius. I was really hoping you would remain unconscious.

You see, I imagine what's about to happen to you

will be incredibly unpleasant and horribly painful.

What are you talking about?

Just let me go man. Shit, just let me GO.

I won't tell anyone.

What happened to your accent? Oh. Oh.

Oh that? That's just...

That's bullshit man.

I mean I was just doing the dick Van Dyke thing to impress Mona.

I was trying to get laid man. Would you just please let me go?

Oho Iggy. You should never be afraid to be yourself.

You crowd piece of shit fucking Nazi. Let me go! You lost your goddamn mind!

No, I fucking have not!

I have not. I assure you I am most sane.

Unfortunately I am running out of time so we must cut this short.

What? What are you gonna do to me?

My dear boy, I am not going to touch you.

I leave that to the hungry infant behind that door.

This is senseless man, what did I ever do to you?

Oh my dear boy you have done nothing, nothing at all.

Besides desecrating my cemetery that is.

That? You're gonna kill me for that?

No, no, no. Not for that. The sins of our fathers run deep, my boy.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Revenge, Ignatius. The purest logic, biblical in its perfection.

Vengeance that transcends time and generation.

Vengeant I will reap until the bloodlines.

Your bloodlines run dry.

I am owed a debt that can only be paid in blood, Ignatius.

and there will be blood.

Blood by the bucket.

Blood by the gallon.

Yeah, well my uncle's a lawyer you piece of shit!

My family has money man, we're gonna take you for all your worth, you crazy asshole!

I doubt that. What is it? What's in there?

Perfection.

No!

Yes, I believe you are strong enough now.

Skregems, release it into the house. Do it now!

Things are about to get very, very interesting.

Eggie?

Remy! Oh my god. Glorious!

UGH!

Get out of here right now, and maybe I won't tell Iggy.

He's cut fools for less.

Yeah, totally

worth it.

I'm beginning to think this is just a normal bookcase. Yeah. We've tried everything.

Whoa!

What did you do? I didn't do anything. It just opened. Man, dark in there, huh?

Yeah, a little bit.

So what are we waiting for? Let's go!

Really? Yeah, adventure, remember?

I remember. Okay.

Let's do this.

Wagner, Wagner, Wett. How do I know that name?

Oh no. Charlie! Time to call in a favor.

Hello, this is Jonathan Harkins.

The man who punched Hitler in the pecker? That's right.

I'm in need of some assistance. Uh-huh. How many can you spare? That many, huh?

We're sending them all. I'm coming, Charlie!

Oh, it's cold in here. Yeah. Ugh, and it smells. Yeah.

I wonder why it finally opened. I don't know.

No. Shit. Yeah.

That's not good. What do we do?

Well, my instincts say curl up in a ball and pee my pants.

We just, we just gotta keep going. What?

It took us an hour to get that door open, and we

don't even know what we did to get it to work.

This has to lead somewhere. Maybe it leads outside. Yeah, you're right.

We're gonna be okay. I really hope so.

Yeah.

This guy's been a total bust.

Speaking of bus, at least I saw some movies.

Ah, but still.

Here I am, all by myself. Alone.

And this spooky fucking house.

It's kind of terrifying

what was the centerstorms and creaky doors and...

Yeah.

I'm doing okay, I just do some exploring.

Go to bed, wake up, win a million dollars. Everything gonna be- BOO!

Oh yeah. Table and

chairs.

I said, you know, like a little breakfast nook.

You know, maybe go in the morning, have some eggs.

Yeah, okay, I'm

good. Good to go.

Doing alright. It's not so spooky. It's just a house. It's nothing.

I mean, I am fine.

Don't be ridiculous. What?

Yeah.

Door. That's the door. That's yeah. It's the doors. How we get from room to room.

It's a common door.

It's an essential part

of a house.

Big, scary house. No, I'm fine. I'm fying.

Okay.

He could have done that.

Just a little longer, just go back to bed. Everything will be fine.

Huh?

That's a monster.

Okay.

I think I

lost it.

Oh, man.

That was rough.

I should really go warn the others.

Man, it really smells in here.

Sorry. Some of that's me. I'm very nervous. Geez, Charlie!

I said I was sorry!

Man, feels like I've been walking around forever. Hey, maybe that's a way out.

Oh, thank goodness. Oh, no more farts and darkness. Well, nomore darkness at least.

Oh my god.

It's... It's raining! What the fuck is going on here? What do we do?

Shit!

What the heck?

Where am I?

Oh no!

It's touching me!

God, what's down here? Leave me alone!

What are you?

Everything is so warm and hairy!

Allow me to shed some light on your situation, Mr Hawkins.

What the? Huh? Could be worse, I guess. Are you enjoying your stay, Mr. Hawkins?

What's going on here? Did you kill Rami? Oh, so Mr. Campbell is dead, is he?

Yes, I suppose I was responsible indirectly. Why?

Revenge, Charles! The purest logic! Biblical in its perfection! What? What?

What? Are you sure? What what? Oh, damn I wanted to save that one.

That's never mind. I don't have time to chat with you right now Hawkins.

I have two more guests roaming the house who

need to die before I can enjoy your demise.

Gwen, I swear if you hurt her, I'll... Yolva!

That's what I thought. I'll feed this end for now, Charles.

Gotta find a way out of here!

Oh no, what's happening?

Oh.

Oh my god, that's horrible.

Smells like carrots and poo.

How could such a little creature make such a horrid smell?

Oh no. Oh no!

Get me out of here! The horror!

Oh yeah!

Is somebody in there? Mona? What are you doing in my room? Um, not stealing stuff.

Mona, you have to open this thing. How? I don't know. You have to figure it out.

What's going on? I don' have time to explain. Just open the goddamn door.

All right, all right. Don't go mental.

What the fuck is that? Who cares? Close the door! What is going on here?

Good freaking question! We gotta move!

Okay, seriously, what was that thing? I don't know, but I

think it killed Rhaeny.

Seriously? I was gonna screw him. Really? Uh, no.

How did you open that secret door back there? I pulled on a book. Which one?

Mine, Comf. Interesting. We have to find Iggy. He'll know what to do.

No, we have to Find Charlie first. I can't leave here without him.

That little pussy? Don't call him that! Iggy's a freaking idiot.

I don'

think he's even really English.

What the fuck ever space cadet. You go look for your freaking dexter of a boyfriend.

I'm gonna find my man and blow this popsicle stand.

Look, I'm sorry. We really should stick together. It's not safe.

Yeah, for sure. Thanks for the tip gal pal, but I think I can handle myself.

23 bushes like carrots on the wall 23 bushes

like carrots take one down pass it around 22 bushes like carrots on

the wall 22 bushes

Mr. Hawkins, did you make any friends up there? You're insane! You know that?

You know what?

No.

No, I am not.

Misunderstood, maybe, but not insane, crazy or mad, I assure you.

What do you want from us? It's very simple. I want you all to die.

Especially you, Charlie. That's why I'm saving you for last. But why?

Forty years ago, I was head of Hitler's Occult Sciences Division.

We spent all of World War II marrying the Dark Arts and the Classic Sciences.

We resurrected the dead, healed

injured soldiers with black magic, and most

importantly, we created the perfect weapon.

A creature crafted from the genetics of various vicious earth

animals and the essence of demons from a darker dimension.

We had created a predator with an infinite hunger.

It could eat forever and still be hungry. Then it ate.

It's cruel.

We had hundreds of them impugating.

They would have been ready for battle in mere days.

Unfortunately, your government

caught wind of our experiments.

They sent an elite squad of soldiers to shut us down.

Music

They burst in while we were celebrating and gunned down every last one of us.

including my lab assistant, Ilse Wagner. She

was my wife, Charlie.

I stood covered in the blood of my friends and my wife

pleading for them to stop firing. We were just scientists.

We weren't soldiers.

We had never directly harmed anyone.

They tore us to bits without mercy.

A grenade blast tossed me free of the building before they burned it to the ground.

I vowed that day I would make them pay.

Whatever it took, I would makes him feel the pain that I have felt.

You see Charlie, the

squad that attacked me and my colleagues. It had a name.

They called themselves the seam grippers.

Sound familiar? Ramps. That right Charlie. Your grandpa led the attack.

Jonathan Hawkins squad was entirely composed of men from this town.

Gwenn's grandfather, Iggy's grandfather Raimi's grandfather and Mona...

Well, Mona is just unlucky.

They all played a part in an act of war that

resulted in the death of the only woman...

Hell, the only human being I ever loved.

Now they will reap as my baby feasts on their children.

And their children's children! That's you, Charlie.

An injustice was committed on me and I am merely making things fair.

I am entitled to my revenge. You expect me to be saddened by your little story?

Wake up, Wagner. You were Nazis.

You were aiding Hitler in a genocide.

You

were one of the most evil armies in the history of the world.

If you ask me, you all deserve to die that day.

The real tragedy is that in all that gunfire, they somehow managed to miss you.

They're spoken.

Perhaps you aren't the vimps the people in this town project you to be.

I'm actually impressed. You're still

going to die though.

You and everyone in this godforsaken place. You want to talk about evil Charlie?

Evil is fast food.

Poorly written sitcoms, rap music, and the putrid

hedonism that permeates this wretched country.

Evil, my boy, is the American way. This land is dirty, Charles.

I intend to cleanse it. You can try, Wagner. You can TRY.

But I guarantee one day someone is going to cleanse you.

Perhaps you are right Charles. Perhaps you're right.

Come, Mr. Sviggums!

We still have at least one guest to attend

to before we can take care of Mr. Hawkins.

I have a very special plan for him.

Gwen! Shh! Sorry.

You're alive!

I'm so happy to see you! I was afraid you were dead. Not yet.

Thank goodness. I gotta figure out a way to free you. No, no, no!

You gotta get outta here! What? Are you crazy? He'll kill you!

No. Not until he kills everyone else. There is no one else.

Rami and Mona are dead, and I haven't seen or heard from Iggy in hours.

That's all the more reason for you to go. Just run back to town. I'll be fine.

Just get Gramps. He'll know what to do. No. I can't leave you here.

This is crazy. Gwen, I'll

be okay. Just go.

Damn it.

Okay. Now

go!

Wait.

win.

two things.

Be careful.

And um...

Well...

If

when this is all over.

Will you go out with me?

Yeah.

I would love to. Groovy.

Now go before it's too late.

Please be unlocked.

Banana Ram. What's all this?

Oh, win.

You're alright.

Holy crap, Mr. Hawkins.

First things first, it's Charlie okay? Yeah, for now.

There's a secret passage inside. He's through there.

How did you know about the monster? Monster? There's a fucking monster in there!

Um, yeah. Damn, good thing I brought all these troops. Huh? Hey, Sergeant!

Yeah, sir. Looks like we've got some sort of of beastie on our hands.

And your boy's handling? Sir, yes sir.

Anything for the man that gave all eight off a shot in the ding-dong. Good to hear.

Gwen, you get to safety. You let us take care of this. No way.

I have to know that Charlie is safe.

Well, I admire your testicular fortitude, girly. Show me where my grandson is.

Don't you realize that army is just a movable feast?

My baby will make brown shfag out of them all. Stay here, it's safe.

I have some things to take care of. Okay boys, looks like we got us a bug hunt.

Might get ugly in there, but I know you guys

can handle it and I don't want to hear any

sassifras to the contrary. Every other day.

You tough sons of guns drink gasoline and part fire today is no different

I've never seen the squad with such a huge supply of whoop-tusher

You all have nuts the size of boulders and don't even forget now

Who's ready to get in there rip that monster a new poop too?

That's what I like to hear you dirty heart farting sacks murder

We don't have recon on this critical location,

so I'm putting a squad on every floor.

We'll hit him hard, no matter where he is, from the

basement to the attic, from his doors to his papers.

By God, let's give him what pork. Sir! In we go, gentlemen.

Almost brings a tear to my eye. I love the smell of awesome in the morning.

We're here to bust you, son! What? Stand back!

Oh, I'm glad to see you're safe, boy. You kids get out of here. I gotta run.

The men need me.

He basically brought the entire military with him. Why do you smell like carrots?

R4, can I get C-RiP, please? R4. Sir,

R4 is in position.

We're waiting for word from the basement team. R5.

I always think this is a bunch of bullshit.

Nature's a good thing.

Well, it looks like we're doing this in the dark, man.

I'll guard the entrance to the first floor, fan out, okay?

Kill anything that ain't wearing combat boots. Meet here and we'll join the others.

Guys?

Did you get it?

Uh... has anyone heard from the basement team?

Wow.

Attic 2-2 downstairs. Nobody's reporting in and I'm just hearing a gunfire.

Copy that, Sarge. We're actually having kind of a situation up here.

Whack, whack.

Watch all the racket up here.

Jump it, Jesus, on a water slide.

Let's go home. BAM!

Oopsie.

If it makes you feel any better Hawkins, I was aiming for you.

It was terrible. That thing's like a walking blender.

Well, we got explosives. We could bring the house down on top of it.

No way! My grandson is still in there. Well, We have to think of something.

What the crap is it doing? Holy moly!

Can you drive that thing? Yes, sir. Can you fire that howitzer?

It's got a trigger, don't it?

Hockens.

You're not going anywhere. Oh no?

No! It ends here! You end here! How do you figure?

You're a murderer! You killed people here tonight!

You threatened me, you threatened my family, and

you killed the only girl who ever cared about me.

Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it? I'm gonna head butt the shit outta you!

Bring it!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh, it's right behind us Hawkins. Get ready on that turret.

What are you doing?

Come on.

Big Blue Stack of Bullshit! Okay, maybe next time... I'm at the monster.

HAHA!

things heading straight for town. We've got to stop it.

Give me a clean shot, you ass ho!

Hey, impressive Hawkins. Just wait. I'm not finished yet. You're still breathing.

hahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahaha! Hit me with your best shot Hawkins! Gladly! Goodnight, Gratee!

Oh!

That was convenient.

Shit! I was so close!

Alright, this one's for all the Barbos.

I'm missing murder, she wrote you dick.

I still got it.

EHE

Did you see that thing pop? Like a pimple.

There goes a son of a bitch! Where's Charlie? I don't know. I'm gonna go ask him.

Where's my grandson, Wolfgang? Lying under about a thousand pounds of burning wood.

You are a liar! Am I? You better go check.

Just turn yourself in. It's all over. You got nothing left.

Your lab and your research are turning to dust,

and I just blew your monsters goddamn head off.

Hawkins... Do you really believe I could be foiled that easily?

There are other houses. Other labs.

This is just a speed bump on the road to my vengeance.

I have all the research memorized. Don't you see?

You've burned down my home and killed my monster,

but you've only set me back a week at most. Before you know it, I'll be back.

And with your grandson gone, it will be your blood I'm after. Ha ha ha ha!

Mwahah!

Say hi to Hitler, for me, motherfucker.

Charlie, are you alright? Yeah.

I'm fine, but...

Look when...

Oh, I'm sorry son. Let's go home. Not yet.

I want to watch it burn.

Uh, does anyone

else hear that?

Honey? Sweetie?

I don't know how.

But that goddamn Hawkins? Yeah, he did it. He did.

Motherfucker!