Original subtitles

The following is a fan-based parody.

Sword Art Online is owned by A-1 Pictures, Aniplex USA, and Reki Kawahara.

Please support the official release on Bookwalker. Use promo code KARF to get 600 yen off your first purchase of digital manga or light novels.

More details in the description below.

*Wind wooshes wooshingly*

*Creek babbles incoherently*

Leafa: Here we go! This looks familiar.

Just keep that map open, we should be almost there!

Kirito: Ughhhh. Are you sure? We’ve been wandering for hours.

How do little kids not get lost in here?

Lost Child: Hello?! Is someone there? Mommy, I’m scared!

Uh, should we do something about that?

No. That came from the Hall of History.

They’re basically already dead.

Animatronic Gandalf: Question one!

In what year did man first walk on the moon?

Lost Child: Oh! 1969!

Animatronic Gandalf: Incorrect!

The moon landing was a communist CONSPIRACY

to lull America into a false sense of superiority

and pave the way for the rusky’s army

of PSYCHIC SUPER BEARS!!

Lost Child: But that’s not-

Army of Psychic Super Bears: *Psychic Super Bear Noises*

Animatronic Gandalf: Oh, look! Here’s some now!

*Horrific screams of Lost Child drowned out by roars of Psychic Super Bears*

Kirito: I have some serious bones to pick with this game’s curriculum.

Opening: A Real Life by Greek Fire

Kirito: I can’t believe we just left him there.

Leafa: We had no choice.

Besides, it was their fault for not knowing basic history.

Kirito: Wait, do you think that--

No, no, do NOT engage, Kirito. You’ll only be hurting yourself.

Leafa: That’s the spirit.

Just try to hold on to what’s important.

Like that TOTALLY real wife of yours.

Stop saying it like that!

She is real! I get enough of that at home,

and the less I think about that the better!

Leafa: Oh yeah?

Got some trouble at home?

You wanna talk about it?

*Kirito sigh of Suguha Trauma*

What’s there to talk about?

Parents are never around,

and I’m fairly certain my sister sustains her life force

with a rich slurry of distilled human anguish

and the souls of puppies.

Leafa: ...Sooo not a fan.

Kirito: Oh no! I’m a huge fan

of the way she berates and belittles everything I hold dear

because I don’t have a buttload of sports trophies like her!

I should really be thanking her for pointing out

how my hobbies will lead me to die alone and unloved,

slowly consumed by my legion of cats.

Leafa: Wow.

Sounds like this CREATIVE,

young, beautiful woman is MAYBE lashing out.

Is it possible you did something

to hurt her at some point?

Kirito: That’s the thing! I didn’t do anything!

Leafa: You ever think that maybe that was the problem…?

Kirito: Huh?

Yui: Eeeeeee, I hate to cut this session short

but I am picking up the signatures of 12 players directly behind us!

Leafa: *gasp* They’re tracking us!

Squeaker: Ah! Master! Sqeaker is frightened!

Squeaker: *Squeaks of anguish*

There, it’s dead! Now let’s cheese it!

Kirito: It… it had a name.

Leafa: Yeah! The Salamanders like to max out the affection levels of their pets

so they’ll be willing to go on suicide missions!

It’s like their go-to move!

Zeus’ beard!

These people are monsters!

Squeaker: Did… did Squeaker do good, master?

Salamander Mage: No…No...

Squeaker did great.

Squeaker: *Satisfied Death Squeak*

*Salamander sounds of mourning*

Leafa: There it is!

The Capitol of Kandy Kane Kavern:

Kandy Kane Kapitol.

It’s just called Candy Cane Capitol?!

Holographic Santa: Ho ho ho! Nice try, little one!

*The Santa Slab Rises*

Kirito: Oh no you don’t!

*Kirito rejected by Santa Slab, thus dooming him to the naughty list for all time*

Leafa: You idiot!

You spelled it Candy Cane Capitol instead of Kandy Kane Kapitol!

Now we gotta wait for the lock to reset!

Kirito: But I said it out loud!

Yeah, but I bet you thought about C’s instead of K’s, didn’t ya?

Of course I did! That’s how all those words are spelled!

Look, there’s no time to debate this. They’re almost here.

Kirito: Ughhhh, we do not have time for this!

Why do these hicks have it out for you, anyway?!

Leafa: Well, you see... heh...

Leafa: It's all very complicated...

Leafa: Lots of… shifting alliances and...

Leafa: ancestral curses-

Kirito: You have no idea, do you?

Leafa: *Groan of Lore Recollection* Well, it’s all so boring!

I can only sit through so many trade route negotiations before I just go cross-eyed!

Kirito: Ug, whatever.

Kirito: I guess it really doesn’t matter.

Kirito: You’re the only one who knows any healing magic,

Kirito: so can you hang back and keep me shielded or something?

Leafa: Oooooh yeah.

I can totally handle that. I gotchu, fam.

Leafa: *Gremlin giggle of incoming prankitude*

Salamanders: One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish!

Kirito: Alright, Leafa! Shield me!

Leafa?

Leafa, shield!

Shield, Leafa!

LEAFA SHIELD ME!!!

*Wrath of a thousand red and blue fishes*

Hey, did you want me to shield you there?

Dude, I had no idea!

We should really have some kind of signal or something!

Kirito: *Unshielded Groan*

Alright, here’s a wild concept for ya!

How about you do it when I yell “shield” real loud?!

Leafa: Oh, don’t be a baby about it.

Have some stupid heals.

See Spot. See Spot Run. Run Spot Run.

Kirito: *satisfied sigh* That’s better!

Yui: Leafa! I found something in the code that might be helpful,

but I require your assistance!

Leafa: Girl, you know what I’m about.

You really think I’m gonna pass up such a prime opportunity to watch him suffer?

This is hilarious!

Kirito: Please! I have to save her!

I’m nothing without her!

Salamander: Dude, I am loving your commitment!

Leafa: See? Comedy gold right here.

Yui: I cannot do this without you, Leafa!

I can help Daddy, but he will be vulnerable while I work.

Yui: I need you to put everything you have into shielding him from the next attack!

Leafa: I… I don’t see why I should bother...

Yui: I implore you!

Yui: I understand that your bond is strained,

Yui: but nothing can move forward unless one of you takes the first step!

Leafa: Well... why’s it gotta be me, huh?!

He’s the one that ruined my life!

Yui: Because right now, like it or not,

Yui: you are the only one with the chance to start putting things right.

Yui: So please... won’t you help him…

Yui: Auntie Sugu?

Leafa: Ooooh, that is cheating.

Salamanders: "Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting!

Leafa: Deep in the meadow, hidden far away! A cloak of leaves, a moonbeam ray!

Salamanders: Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!” Quoth the Raven:

Salamanders: FIREBALL!!!

Leafa: Here the daisies guard you from every harm!

*Collins vs. Poe Smackdown*

Yui: Initializing Protocol A-74! Execute!

*Kirito's fursona emerges*

Leafa: Ooooh yeah, squirt. That is definitely going to be VERY helpful.

Yui: I thought so.

*Deafening roar of a $20,000 fursuit*

Salamander: Gah! What in tarnation is that?!

Salamander Commander: Hold firm, men! It’s just illusion magic! He can’t actually-

*Kirito casts Transmute Men to Healthy Snack*

*Salamander Getting Yamcha'd noises*

Salamander Commander: Okay, that’s my B, fellas. I reckon we best skedaddle.

Yui: Yay! Get them, Daddy!

Off-Screen Salamander: No! Please don’t get us, Daddy!

Leafa: Does he need us here?

Yui: It does not appear so.

Yui: Daddy seems to have the situation well in hand.

Leafa: Cool cool cool cool cool...

Leafa: Think he’d mind if I popped out for a bit? Y'know, maybe grab a shower?

Yui: I do not believe that would be a problem.

If any Salamanders get near you,

I will subject them to a world of unimaginable pain and/or terror.

Leafa: Preesh.

*Suguha Yawn of Awakening*

Suguha: Huh?

Suguha: Huh?! Oh, what the shit, Nagata?!

96 missed calls?!

*8-bit WAP ringtone plays*

Suguha: Fuckin’ what!?

Recon: Ah! You finally picked up! Oh, thank goodness! I missed you so much!

Things are so bad, Kirigaya! I-I don’t even know where to begin!

Suguha: Oh wow, really? Oh no.

Why don’t you just slow down, take a deep breath, and pour that tea.

Recon: *Deep breath* Okay… okay…

*Recon's Tea Slurpening Ensues*

*Recon Sigh of Tea Consumption*

Yeah, yeah that helps.

You were right, Suguha! Cazmer is totally up to something!

Suguha: Holy shit. Really?

Recon: You just wanted to get rid of me again, huh?

Suguha: I think… we should just focus on the super good job that YOU did…

and not whatever I may or may not have done.

Recon: Well, in any case, you were right on the money!

Recon: When I was tailing Cazmer and his goons, they wandered into this sewer entrance.

Recon: They must have been really trying to keep things hush hush...

because they all put on Invisibility Cloaks before heading in.

Cazmer Guard 1: Aw, it’s like Harry Potter! I love it!

*Harry Potter OST cover inaccurate enough to avoid a copyright strike*

Cazmer: *Sigh of disapproval*

Suguha: Come on, Nagata.

You know better than anyone that just because they don’t want to be seen

doesn’t mean they're up to anything shameful.

Well, anything “illegal”.

Recon: I don’t think those guys were there for Sewer Handies, Princess.

I followed them in under cover of invisibility,

and they were meeting with some Salamanders!

Cazmer: You incompetent hillbillies! How hard is it to kill one princess?! HUH?!

Salamander DeezGunz: Look, boss, there weren’t nothin’ we could do!

She had this Spriggan feller with her!

Even the general turned tail!

Salamander Keith: Them folks be slipperier than butter on a biscuit, I tell you what.

Cazmer: What the blazes are you even… Ugh, nevermind.

As it turns out, it seems we won’t be needing her head after all.

I have it on good authority that the queen herself

is signing a treaty in Butterfly Valley as we speak.

Tell your king if they hurry, they can even hunt a few Cait Sith if they wish.

Salamander DeezGunz: Well geez. I really wish you’d told us that before we done sent like 20-

Salamander Keith: 30.

30 guys after ‘em. They’re on their trail right now.

Oh, looks like they’re checkin’ in.

Hey, RamRod! What’s the sitch, my brother?

Salamander Ramrod: We’re just about to follow them into the tunnels, sir.

But get this! Squeaker’s wife just had the babies!

Nobody tell him yet. We’re gonna surprise him after the mission~

Recon: *screams as his Nervegear misfires*

Recon: *Moan of an attempted stealth check*

Salamander Keith: Is someone there?

Recon: I just need you to know...

I fought bravely.

Suguha: Kay. So what’s the problem?

I don’t know what they’re up to, but it sounds like they’re gonna get off my dick.

Seems like a win-win!

Recon: Bu-but they’re gonna ruin the treaty! And pillage our lands!

Suguha: Still sounding like a lot of not my problem, Nagata

I’m a princess. I’ll bounce back.

Oooh… maybe I’ll start my own country… and all the guys’ll have to wear thongs!

'Cept the fat ones. No fatties in Leafaland.

Recon: What I can’t figure out is how they even found out about the signing in the first place!

Recon: That was top secret info! Man, I do not envy whoever spilled those beans.

Recon: Queen Sakuya’s gonna want their head on a pike.

Suguha: Uuuuuuuuuh…

Leafa: We gotta go! I messed up real bad!

Kirito: Whoa! What’s going on?! Where did I go just now?! Am I running?! Why do I taste mayo?!

Suguha: Not naming names, but SOMEONE leaked information about the peace treaty!

So now the Salamander army is on their way to attack it!

Kirito: Didn’t YOU do that?

Leafa: I said we’re not naming names!

Gosh, what part of this do you not understand?!

Kirito: A lot… actually.

Like, weren’t we just headed for some Christmas village? I was kinda curious to see it.

Leafa: Oooh, you saw it all right.

You’re uh... definitely not allowed back.

*Distant and discordant x-mas music*

Kirito: So given that anyone with half a brain could’ve seen this coming a mile off,

I assume you’ve thought of a way to dig yourself out of this mess?

Leafa: Uh, right. Well, I figure we get there early,

warn my mom and the Catsy about the attack,

and we lay an ambush for ‘em long before those frat boys ever get there!

Yui: They are already there.

Leafa: Exactly! No. What?

Leafa: Ahhhhhh.... Noooooo...

Kirito: Oh no! Your carefully laid plans! Brought to ruin by the cruel hand of time!

Leafa: Well, what do YOU suggest we do, smart-ash!?

Kirito: I mean, it’s a peace conference.

Why don’t we try to make peace? Let’s just talk to them.

Leafa: Uh… I GUESS that might work… except…

Kirito: Except what?

Leafa: So like… remember when I told you this is an RP server?

Kirito: Yeah? So wha--

Oh no.

Leafa: They’ll never listen to you otherwise~

Kirito: No! I-- I refuse to engage! You cannot make me!

Leafa: Eh, It's your call, bro.

Sidebar, how long does it take for Stockholm Syndrome to set in?

Kirito: *sigh*

The things we do for love.

Salamanders: *RP Accurate Hillbilly Chuckles*

Princess Hime: They’ve got us sur-meow-nded, Sakuya-Sama!

What should we do?!

Desu.

Sakuya: Never fear, you upSETTING child.

We need only keep a cool head and open a dialogue.

Sakuya: LEAVE!

GO AWAY!

Salamander: No.

Sakuya: Blast!

Well?! What are you waiting for?! One of you go kill them!

Sylph: Um… Okay.

*Wing Flapping and Chime Twinkle of Sylph Courage*

*Fireball of Sylph Obliteration*

*Silence of Awkwardness*

Sakuya: ...Very well.

We are willing to hear the terms of your surrender!

*Ace Pilot Kirito Comes In Hot*

Everyone: *Gasps*

*Kirito Cough of Dust Inhalation*

Kirito: Hear ye, hear ye!

It is I, Kirito, err...

Viscount... of the Spriggan???

Ziggurat!

Salamander: That’s not what your nametag says, bruh.

xVx_K1R1T0_xVx_KillMe: I come before you today

to speak on behalf of my people-

Salamander: But we killed all your people!

Kirito: Yeah you did...

Uuuuh, of course you did! I am speaking of my

ADOPTED people, the uh...

Leafa! What’s another race in this game?

Leafa: Uh… the Undine?

Kirito: THE UNDINE! YES!

They graciously took me in after my brethren were...

savagely massacred apparently!

And in their great wisdom, they have sent me with an offer to join the Sylph/Cait Sith alliance!

...If your Grace would have us, that is.

Sakuya: Ew, no!

The Undine have thrown in with a Spriggan?!

I always knew there was something off about them.

Breathe air OR water! Pick a side!

Leafa: Mom, please. Read the room.

Sakuya: But we’re outside, dear.

Kirito: And with that, a powerful alliance is made!

So be warned, Salamanders!

If you attack this conference now, you will not just be facing the Sylphs and the Cait Sith!

*Kirito's Best Horse Impression*

You will also have to answer to the full force of the Undine!

...and the Spriggans, to an obviously much lesser degree!

Eugene: *Manly Chuckle of Intimidation*

Is that right?

So those bougee lil' lordlings are shackin’ up with the cats and the fish people?

Kirito: (O.S.) And the Spriggans!

Eugene: I think we’ll take our chances.

Forgive the cliche,

but I give it a week before half a y’all just eats the other half.

Sakuya: How DARE you!

The Cait Sith MAY be delicious,

but they are a POWERFUL, and succulent ally!

Kirito: Granted, we may resemble the food chain more than an alliance,

but that only speaks to the strength of our resolve!

So before you do anything rash, Salamander,

I just have one question for you…

Did you guys eat the Spriggans? Is that what happened to us?

Eugene: I like you, boy. You’re a funny lil' thing.

Kirito: That doesn’t answer my question.

Eugene: Very well. Why don’t we skip the theatrics and settle this whole rigmarole one-on-one?

Mano e mano.

Dingle to dingle.

Kirito: So… rather than leaving this in the hands of our...

CLEARLY equivalent armies…

you propose we decide this with just the two of us?

Eugene: Sure, why not?

I wanna wrap this thing up quick.

The boys and I’ve got a bat baby shower to get to!

Salamander: Um, sir? About that...

Eugene: No no.

You can tell me the good news after I crush this insect.

It’ll make the victory all the sweeter.

Kirito: Huh…

Well, if you’re gonna be such a gentleman about it,

who am I to refuse?

Eugene: You hear that, babe?

i’M a GeNtLeMaN!

Sakuya: Ugh. Ya gross, Eugene.

Kirito: Wait, his name is Eugene?!

*Light Ray of Kirito Blinding*

Eugene: *Eugene War Cry Of Eugene-itude*

Kirito: *Gets Thoroughly Eugene'd*

Sakuya: Oh dip. He might be dead.

Leafa: What just happened?!

He totally blocked that!

Princess Hime: It’s Eugene’s special sword desu!

It’s vewy meow-erful!

If you twy to bwock it nyan, it’ll just pass wight mew!

Leafa: I’m sorry...

I’m sure there was a useful nugget of info in there somewhere,

but could you just like… not?

Eugene: You Spriggans never learn!

Always pokin’ your big ol’ noses into other people’s bidness!

Kirito: Ugh! I hate myself for asking,

but what is everyone’s deal with Spriggans?!

What insipid lore did you come up with to hate us for fervently?!

Eugene: Oh, don’t play dumb. Y’ain’t pretty enough to pull it off.

Kirito: *Suffers 1d4 of psychic damage and disadvantage on attack rolls*

Eugene: You expect me to believe you don’t know your sins when you carry his name?!

Kirito: WHOSE NAME?!?

WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

Eugene: The Alpha! The Great Betrayer!

KIRITO PRIME!!

xVx_K1r1t0_xVx: Um.. That's uh... Wow.

Yeah, imma need a minute!

*Kirito casts pocket sand*

*Kyaa's of being pocket sanded*

Kirito: Sorry, I'll try not to break it!

Leafa: Kyaa! Kirito?!

Eugene: Alright SPRIGGAN, Enough of your GAME!!

Princess Hime: Sugoi! He vanished wike a waser pointer!

Cait Sith Soldier 1: Sugoi indeed, Princess Hime! His magic is most jouzu!

Leafa: Swear to Tiamat, I will eat you!

Cait Sith Soldier 1: Gomenasorry!

Kirito: Hey, Big Red!

Ya miss me?!

Eugene: You dare use muh own trick against me?!

*Surprise Kirito block of dual wielding*

Kirito: I'm sorry...

I just felt like it’s what my character would do~

*Eugene grunt of respectful improvisation*

Kirito: Ever since I got back, it’s been one thing after another!

I keep trying to do the right thing, but all that’s done is cost me everything I love!

What was it all for?!

*Kirito Slash of Eugene-n't*

And to top it all off

you morons even found a way to

RUIN MY NAAAAME!!!

*Wizard time, motherfudger! FIREBALL!!*

Eugene: Your… name…?

Salamander: O-okay but like... Why'd he explode, though????

*Twinkles of Re-Eugene-ification*

Eugene: Goodness, majesty.

Bringing me back to life? Why that’s unusually civil of ya.

Sakuya: Don’t thank me yet, EUGENE.

I only did it so you and your goons would leave us alone.

You can wire me the 300 gold for the diamond.

Eugene: Oh? Couldn’t loosen the purse strings a bit for a Raise Dead?

Typical Sakuya.

Kirito: Okay, well at least they’re talking. Maybe we can get those armies after all.

Leafa: Give it a minute.

Sakuya: How DARE you!

Good sir, do you mean to imply that my kingdom is CHEAP?!

Eugene: Heavens no!

Certainly not when that outfit’s doin’ all the work for me.

Sakuya: Oh, like you’re one to talk!

What is this armor you’ve FESTOONED yourself with?!

You’ve got like a bowl??? for a shoulder pad!?

And is that a bloody fidget spinner?!

Eugene: I’ll have you know this medal is the highest honor our military can bestow!

*Sandstorm by Darude begins playing*

Eugene: *sniff* National anthem always brings a tear to this veteran’s eye.

Sakuya: (Breaking Character) Oh my gosh, Becky! I never said I was a veteran!

I just think that what I do and serving in the navy ain’t that different!

Eugene: (Breaking Character) You’re a lifeguard, Brian!!!

Kirito: Leafa? Leafa, what’s happening?

Leafa: They uh… they used to date.

Kirito: Oh no...

Leafa: Yeah. Hacked each others’ accounts.

Stole their characters to mess with each other. Their break-up is basically the cornerstone of our lore.

Kirito: Ohhhh NOOOO!!!

Eugene: (Mockingly) I just love pick-up trucks and football and an ice cold Miller Lite... with just a... smidgen o’ lime!

Gosh, I’m such an Alpha!

Sakuya: (Mockingly) Oooh, look at me! I idolize a time period where I’d have absolutely no rights or indoor plumbing!

I’d probably make more sensible decisions if my make-up weren’t just chock full of lead!

Eugene: (Breaking Character) It’s from Sephora, you caveman!

Pantysmasher: Um, sweetie?

Eugene: (Breaking Character) Oh, hey baby? What’s up?

Pantysmasher: Me and the boys were just thinking maybe we should call it a day, you know?

Eugene: (Breaking Character) What?! Do you not think I can beat him?! Is this because I’m a woman?!

Pantysmasher: What? No! Baby, no!

It’s just that if we wanna binge that season of the Crown later,

we’re really gonna need to get going.

Sakuya: (Breaking Character) Wow, Becky.

You should really learn to keep better control of your man.

Eugene: (Breaking Character) OH, because it’s ALWAYS about control! Isn’t it, Brian?!

You were always like this!

Sakuya: (Breaking Character) Apologizing on your behalf

because you puked on the neighbours’ dog again

is not “being controlling”, Becky!

Eugene: (Breaking Character) Oh, like you never puked on that dog!

Sakuya: (Breaking Character) It’s called “solidarity”! Look it up!

Eugene: (Breaking Character) *sigh* You know what?

Jonathan’s right. Y’all ain’t worth it.

Consider yourselves lucky that I am in a healthy relationship now. Deuces!

Princess Hime: (Breaking Character) I cannot believe you slept with her.

Sakuya: (Breaking Character) Hey, she’s your cousin, Denise.

Eugene: (Inner Monologue) Ug. That man just has a way of getting under my skin.

I could really use a pick-me-up.

Eugene: Private, what was that good news you wanted to tell me?

Eugene: (In the Distance) SQUEAKER!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Kirito: So… we’re probably not getting their army, are we?

Leafa: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m gonna go with a tentative “nah”.

Sakuya: Ahem...

“Viscount” was it?

Sakuya: I see...

So Cazmer was the one who gave away our location.

He has always had a tendency to go rogue with his roleplaying, gunning for my throne and whatnot,

but beating up my scribes for the information is low, even for him.

Kirito: Yup. That sure is what Leafa said happened.

Leafa: Quiet you.

Kirito: So, this Cazmer guy is just making some kind of grab for power?

What, did he get tired of trying to marry into the family and just cut a deal with the Salamanders?

Sakuya: Ugh. Were his ambitions so simple.

No, this goes much deeper than that.

Princess-Hime Kuroneko-Desu-Chan of the Nyan Nyan Tribe!

Fetch me a Moon Mirror!

Cazmer: Well, Trav, you finally did it.

All your wheeling and dealing has finally paid off.

Sure, I wish it hadn’t come to such drastic measures, but they’ll come to see the necessity of it in time.

Heck, by now, they might already be-

Sakuya: CAZMER!!!

Cazmer: Your majesty!

To what do I owe the-- the--

Sakuya: Oh, stick a can in it, Caz!

I know all about what you’ve been plotting…

AND scheming~

Cazmer: No. But… but how did you find out…

Sakuya: That you’ve been going behind my back to make Becky and I talk?!

Wasn’t flippin’ hard, you Judas!

Kirito: I’m sorry. He was planning WHAT now?

Cazmer: Well, can you really blame me, Brian?!

This game used to be fun, but ever since you two broke up, you’ve been forcing us to choose sides

and fight a proxy war just to spend a little time with you!

Sakuya: Ug. You sound just like Kirito and his heretical Spriggans.

An embarrassment to the name.

Cazmer: Ted had the right idea!

He just wanted you guys to talk things out so we could at least be friends again!

You didn’t have to wipe out his entire race!

Kirito: Whoa, THAT’s what happened?

Is it weird that I’m just kinda relieved it wasn’t the cannibalism thing?

Cazmer: I only regret that I didn’t stand with my Spriggan brothers when they needed me most!

You! Last of the Kiritos!

I’m so sorry for the way I treated you! I had to maintain the ruse! It was the only way!

I just wanted peace between the races!

Sakuya: Your mad dreams end here, Travis!

YA BANISHED!!!

Cazmer: NOOOO-

Kirito: Well I don’t feel good about anything that just happened.

Leafa: Soooo… moooooom?

Can I just say you’re looking real pretty today?

Sakuya: *Sigh* What do you want?

Leafa: Pfft. What? Me? Mother!

I would NEVER be so inconsiderate as to beg for a favor

after you’ve gone through such a perilous ordeal!

He would, though.

Kirito: Hey, how's it goin'? Can I borrow your armies?

Leafa: Wow. Way to just… go in dry.

Kirito: Look, we wasted all day on your thing. Now it’s Kirito’s time.

Sakuya: Huuuuuh… Well, I suppose you did just pull our fannies out of the fire.

But if you’d be so kind as to permit a follow-up question…

hhhwhyyyyyy?

Kirito: Alright, here we go…

Hark, thy majesty, And heareth mine own tale of woe!

Leafa: Dial it down a bit.

Kirito: Deurgh--

My beloved has been snatched away by the cruel king of the World Tree,

and I require your aid if I hope to reach the summit alive.

Princess Hime: Nyaaa~

You speak of Obewon-desu.

Kirito: Indeed I do...

Princess...

Hime.

Princess Hime Sempai: That’s Pwincess Hime Sempai to you, Spwiggan.

Kirito: Kay, so the cats are a non-starter. What say you, Queenie?

Sakuya: I’m sorry, Spriggan,

but do you really think all it takes is an army to win a race war?

Do you SEE me drowning in Lambos?

Princess Hime: To conquer the World Twee would require an army larger than any single nation could pwovide, nya~

Kirito: Okay, so then just do it together?

Isn’t that the whole point of this treaty?

Sakuya: Please.

This is simply a non-aggression pact stating that Eugene knew exactly what he was doing when he bought those opera tickets,

even though Sakuya had been talking about attending the Lakers game that night for actual months,

BECAUSE EUGENE NEVER LISTENS UNLESS IT’S ABOUT HER THINGS!

*Sakuya noise of Lakers frustration*

Besides, why would we work together when only one race can receive the wish?

Princess Hime: (Breaking Character) Wait, was the wish thing part of the game, or did we make that up?

Sakuya: (Breaking Character) No no, it’s totally real.

Cuz, remember-- back when we...

Uhm.

Huh.

Sakuya: (Returning to Character) Look, the point is the answer’s no.

We’re so sorry we can’t be of more help,

but we wish you luck on your suicide mission~

Princess Hime: May your deafs be swift and painwess.

Kirito: So that’s it?

I averted a war and weeded out your quote-unquote “traitor”,

and all you can offer is a terrifying insight into your social lives

that is somehow both way too in-depth and agonizingly vague?!

Sakuya: Seems that way, yeah!

Princess Hime: Thanks for understanding.

And try to chill out a wittle, okay? It’s just a game, you know?

Kirito: *Sigh* yeah, I’ll try to keep that in mind…

Leafa: Hey, um... so...

Yui: That! Was a colossal waste of our precious time!

Leafa: *Yelp of Yui Recognition*

Kirito: Whoa, Y-Yui! I know! I’m angry too,

but you gotta calm down!

Yui: NO! NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN, DADDY!

WE HAVE ALLOWED THIS SMOOTH-BRAINED CHARLATAN

TO SQUANDER SEVEN HOURS, FORTY-EIGHT MINUTES, AND TWELVE SEC-

THIRTEEN SEC-

FOURTEEN!!!!!!!!!!!

Kirito: Yeah yeah, I get it.

But losing your cool isn’t gonna help either.

Let’s just cut our losses and make a break for the tree.

Yui: Finally. A reasonable suggestion.

Leafa: Hey, Kirito?

Yui: Grrrrrrrr...

Leafa: So like… I’m sorry we couldn’t get that army I promised you.

This has been a huge time sink and... I know that’s my fault.

But like… for what it’s worth…

I really appreciate you helping us out.

You seemed like you were maybe workin’ through some stuff during the fight… and like…

just wanted to say…

if you keep on keepin’ on, it gets...

better?

Probably?

Cuz like...

one good turn deserves another…

and… if you pay it forward…

every rose has it’s thorns…?

Kirito: I’m sorry, I was waiting for a punchline.

A-… are you genuinely trying to make me feel better?

Leafa: Do you not?! I’m throwing out my “A” material over here!

Kirito: Well I think Poison might have some claim on that last bit...

Leafa: Look, I’m kinda out of practice, okay?!

Now are you gonna take my encouragement,

or do I have to ram it down your throat?!

Kirito: Oh yeah, no, you’re doing great.

I’m feeling just SO much better already…

just like...

every night...

HaS iT's DaWn!!

Leafa: I’ll kill you!

Kirito: Ah JuSt LiKe EeEeEv'Ry COWBOY!!

SiNgS HiS sAd SaD sOnG!!! Leafa: I was being so nice to you and you’re being a real butt about this!

EeEeEv'Ry RoSe HaS iT's ThOrNs!!

Asuna: Where is everybody?

They must’ve gotten wise to Plan A:

“Eat Employees Until They’re Too Scared to Work on Mind Control”.

Welp… then I guess it’s time to move on to Plan B:

“Actually Escaping”.

If they wanna deny me my pound of flesh,

then I shall quietly disappear…

a whisper on the-

*Asuna "quietly" disappears*

*Sigh of a Nat 1 stealth check*

Good start there, Asuna. Good start.