Original subtitles

( music playing )

ANNOUNCER: Starring tonight: Bob Crane,

Jo Anne Worley,

Victor Buono,

Forrest Tucker,

and John Astin,

Good evening, art lovers,

For your enjoyment and edification,

three paintings on display,

part of a collection of kookery

unique to this special exhibit,

Painting number one,

out of the real estate section

of a ghost town weekly,

a ginger-bready item quite appropriately called,

House - With Ghost,

This, ladies and gentlemen,

is the Night Gallery,

( bell tolling )

This apartment is a dump, Iris, let's face it,

- It’s a sweet little flat in the heart of London

and I like it, Ellis,

Come on, face it, love,

Got the bad end of a lousy swap,

A) the Twitchells got our whole house in New Jersey,

Meanwhile, we got stuck with their tacky

little three-room dump,

At no extra expense to us, Ellis,

and in London, you know what I mean?

B) the expense isn't really important to us,

and C) for three months

we haven't once been able to entertain properly,

Well, I think we've done quite nicely, Ellis,

Really?

A few of your afternoon séances,

some buffet suppers

with the lot of plates being bounced

on people's knees?

Come on, love,

let's really throw some parties,

meet the right people,

Eh, here you go,

Visiting England?

Rent a house in the city or countryside

by the month or season,

Charming residences

at reasonable rates--

with or without ghosts,

Ghosts?

Chichester's, Piccadilly,

Let's say I run down, see what we can rent

on a short-term basis?

Not that we need a ghost, of course,

but something with some grounds,

some elegance,

Why not with a ghost?

You really do just flip

right past my interest, don't you?

I like that idea, a house with a ghost,

Then, you don't know me at all, do you?

A house with spirits in it

seeking to express themselves,

Well, there's a whole motif for entertaining

right there, Ellis, you know what I mean?

If it pleases you, my love,

Are you sure it won't overload your Ouija board?

Oh, I might point out to you

that it's not very in these days

to be unspiritual, Ellis,

you know what I mean?

Uh-hmm,

Go ahead, see what they've got,

something with a money-back guaranty,

not too expensive,

and not for more than a month,

Of course, my love,

Should be quite long enough,

Uh-uh-uh-uh,

You Americans rush past everything,

Now, there's a perfectly splendid house,

Solid brick, Georgian,

cool in summer,

and right on the edge of London,

Mr. Chichester, I'm looking for something

outside the city,

more space,

I'll know it when I see it,

( sighs ) With a ghost, you said?

Yes, It's the main attraction for my wife,

Your first ghost, Mr. Travers?

Stay with a suburban spirit,

They wear so much better over the long haul,

There's no banging around until after sunset,

But your country ghosts, they're up at the crack of dawn,

A) Mr. Chichester, this is not going to be

for the long haul, and B)

I think the country air would be better for my wife's health,

Oh,

an invalid starved for company,

I get numbers of those,

Wrong,

My wife has dizzy spells,

nothing serious, it's just inconvenient,

And C) Mr. Travers?

Is there any special reason

for a large country house?

It has to do with the feel of the place,

I'll know it when I see it,

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh,

Here, now,,,

( muttering )

Oh, first time,

Canby Hall in the Cotswolds,

That more what you had in mind, Mr. Travers?

Yes, it's very dramatic,

And the staircase, I like that,

- It's good for special occasions, this house,

Yeah, just what I was thinking,

This is with ghost, isn't it?

Oh, yes, You see the asterisk down here?

That is "with ghost,"

Uh-hmm,

Oh, by the way,

are you set on any particular placement?

Placement?

Well, there's your bedroom ghost,

your hall ghost, attic ghost--

we've had quite glut of attic ghosts,

Well, that's not really important, Mr. Chichester,

As a matter of fact I have a one-story

ranchito tract house just outside of Liverpool

with a rumpus room ghost,

But here, Canby Hall,

now, this is your stairwell ghost,

Will that do?

Stairwell ghost,

Yes, I like that,

Yes, that's perfect,

Perfect ghost,

That's the kind of thing that gives an agent

a splendid sense of accomplishment,

Just one moment,

I will put Mrs. Canby's address

on the top of the lease forms,

and then if you want to extend past a month,

you can write to her direct in Brighton,

Mr. Chichester,

why doesn't she live at Canby hall?

- Mrs. Canby? - Uh-hmm,

Well, I suppose it's because of,,,

Mr. Canby still being there,

so to speak,

You won't mind, will you, Mr. Travers,

Mr. Canby being a ghost

for such a relatively short time?

You see, I feel from my professional judgment

that he is going to do an excellent job

of spooking around,

He's got what it takes,

What makes you say that?

Well, he's a skinflint,

restless nature,

brutal in his business deals,

tenacious,

There's no way his widow could take up residence there,

particularly after he groused at the way

she broke his will,

She got every farthing, that woman,

There is nothing worse

than a couple squabbling

after death has cheerfully

pried them apart,

Yes, that would be awful,

IRIS: Well, these gardens are an absolute mess,

Our ghost does not have a green thumb,

you know what I mean?

Oh, I like that,

What a splendid entrance I can make,

I can really sweep down these stairs,

you know what I mean, Ellis?

Yes, my dear,

I visualized you at the very foot of it

the moment I saw the photos,

( tapping )

That marble must be two inches thick,

That's quality construction,

Obviously, Canby can't take the credit for it, no,

This place has been in some earl's family for years,

Canby pinned him to the wall on some business deal,

dragged him through the courts until he got everything,

including this place,

And Canby, why is he a ghost?

The very day Canby was dispossessing him,

the earl's young wife, pregnant at the time,

either fell or hurled herself

down these very steps,

He grieved for about a year,

and then the earl shot Canby dead,

Well, who says Canby's a ghost now?

ELLIS: Mrs. Canby, Tried staying here,

lasted just a week, apparent--

( screaming )

IRIS: Oh! Oh,,,

Iris?

Ohh,

- Come on, we'll go slowly, - No, no,

Our bedroom's at the top of the stairs,

No, I'll be all right, in a minute,

Look, I'll give the local doc a call,

No, I've already seen a doctor, Ellis,

Look, it doesn't hurt to have somebody

in the neighborhood know about these spells,

Oh,

Better?

Okay, hon,

( snoring )

You just pick it up

and talk into it, love,

and that little wire coming out of it

goes into a lot of other wires,

and pretty soon one of them

comes right into my apartment,

and then I have you on the phone,

and I can hear your sweet voice,

and stop cursing your bloody guts for leaving me

hanging for three whole days,

Sherry, darling, we'd been moving

and I couldn't get over,

I did call you, pigeon,

but you were running around somewhere,

I was running around?

Oh, I like that,

Sitting here and moaning for you,

and you think because I'm out to Lyon's for a cake

I'm running around, Oh, lovey,

aren't we ever gonna trip off to Cannes

and stew in that super sun?

Just hang on a bit, can't you?

We've almost got a settlement worked out,

SHERRY: You've been talking about that divorce

for weeks, Ellis,

Can't you speed it up?

No, I can't hurry it up, It's not--

it's not an easy business for me,

It's takes careful planning,

It's not my money,

Sherry,

two thousand a month--

that's worth waiting for,

Yes, Yes, I'll try,

Bye, lovey,

( screaming )

IRIS: Ellis!

Ellis!

Ellis! Ellis!

( screaming )

Iris,

It dragged me, Something dragged me here,

Sweetheart, maybe you were just walking

- in your sleep, - No, there were hands,

I'm almost sure I felt hands,

Well, she seems perfectly all right, Mr. Travers,

Possibly it's just the excitement of moving

into a new place,

What is it, Doctor?

I don't know who looked at your wife

in the past, Mr. Travers,

but it's not just

a simple case of vertigo,

Huh, We were assured it wasn't anything serious,

By whom?

A specialist, The inner ear--

it's called Meniere's syndrome,

It makes you dizzy sometimes, but certainly nothing dangerous,

Well, that's true enough, Mr. Travers,

but this I something else,

a larger deterioration,

quite another problem,

It,,,

It struck my sister in much the same way,

We'll do a biopsy, of course,

and we won't say anything about it yet,

But, uh, realistically,

I'm afraid she hasn't long to live,

How long?

Well, Luisa-- that's my sister--

lasted eight months,

Pain wasn't too bad and she spent the time well,

but it's hard enough,

this kind of tragedy,

It changes one's plans so much,

Yes,,,

doesn't it?

( whistling cheerful melody )

( whistling continues )

Feeling better, love?

My back is killing me,

This mattress feels like it's stuffed with sand,

you know what I mean?

Uh-hmm,

Well, if you'll excuse me, love,

I'm doing the steak for myself,

( door closes )

( phone ringing )

( ringing )

( ringing )

- MAN: Sherry? - Oh, Ellis?

A) I am keeping my promise,

B) It'll only be for a few more months,

No, ducky,

not even a few more hours,

What do you mean?

A) Forget it, Ellis,

B) Don't worry your little head

about a single thing, because:

C) It's all over, ducky,

Ellis?

- Yes? - What's the matter?

Nothing,

Nothing anymore,

( screaming )

( Iris screaming )

( thud )

Iris?

MALE VOICE: Mr. Travers?

It's just a bill for services rendered,

A slight push,

I don't need any services,

Mr. Canby?

But you asked for them,

Steep staircase,

marble steps,

dizzy spells on record

with the good Dr. Crown,

Well, it was obvious even to a ghost,

It's nothing you can't afford,

only two thousand a month

- for life, - No,

Oh, come, come, come, come,

But you said the figure yourself,

I wasn't gonna go through with it,

I was gonna wait till she died, I swear it,

Well, I wasn't,

I'm an impatient man, Mr. Travers,

Here,

I caution you,

I have quite a reputation of hounding

my creditors to death,

No, this is mad,

What do you need money for?

A) I'm a man of my word,

B) I've responsibilities,

ELLIS: To whom? Your widow?

She's in great shape,

No sweat, She's living in Brighton,

She's having a ball,

Just ask Mr. Chichester,

Oh, no, Mr. Travers,

You see, my wife upset

the provisions of my will,

She troubled my afterlife,

No, Mrs. Canby won't be getting another shilling

from me--or you,

The full address of the person

you'll make the payments to is on the top of this bill,

She's living in Manchester,

She's a wonderful woman,

I wouldn't go back on my promises to her

for anything in the world,

not for anything,

You see, Mr. Travers,,,

I, too, had a bird on the side,,,

like yourself,

I'd do anything in the world for her,

Do you know what I mean?

( Canby laughing )

( bat screeching )

I gave at the office,

Oh,

Sorry,

As our third selection,

an item from the past,

That uniquely American institution

known as the pitchman,

the wheeler and dealer

of magical nostrums

guaranteed to cure,

to palliate, to bring back the glow of health

to everything but a cadaver,

Bottled dreams, if you will,

Our painting is called:

Dr. Stringfellow's Rejuvenator,

Drink hearty,

( beating drum )

May I have your attention, ladies and gentlemen?

Your attention, please,

Now I call your attention

to Dr. Stringfellow's Rejuvenator,

a strengthening cordial that invigorates the stomach,

stimulates the liver, regulates the kidneys,

and restores health and vitality of the blood,

gives new life and vigor to all the tissues

of the body, it promptly stops the diseases

to those organs peculiar to both male and female,

an absolute killer for eruptions of the skin,

an excellent remedy for chills and dizziness

and fevers of all kinds,

Additionally, it stops cholera

and all epidemic diseases,

fevers of all kinds, particularly that great scourge

yellow fever, It is the consumptive's

great rejuvenator and purifier of all the world,

strengthens and supports the system

like bands of iron,

Now ladies and gentlemen, in any sizable city,

this remarkable rejuvenator could easily cost $10 a bottle,

if it was available, The fact is,

it is not available, I am its creator

and sole proprietor, And since I am a man

who seeks not to profit from the pain,

the misery, and the anguish of my fellow men,

I offer this to you at pennies

more than its production cost,

One dollar a bottle,

Six bottles for five dollars,

But the supply is limited,

I urge you to make haste

in making your purchases,

Uh, now my assistant will pass among you,

And remember, no jostling, please,

and only six bottles to one costumer,

Try to make the right change, dummy,

( no audible dialogue )

Hmm,

Now, before I find out how much money we've lost

because you don't know how to add and subtract,

who was that you were talking to out there?

I don't know who he was,

You don't know? He was asking questions

- and you were answering him, - Well, he just,,,

- Yes, he just asked who I was,

and where I'm from, and what's in the medicine

that we've been selling,

And you don't know who he was?

No sir, I don't,

Besides, all he wanted to know

was how long we was gonna be here,

And you told him what?

I told him--

I told him I didn't know,

Well,

a revelation at last,

The big hairless gawk finally came up

with the right response,

Well, I'll tell you something about those desert dwellers

out there, and, for that matter,

all the citizenry of the soil

in every burg on this earth,

They got very short tempers and long memories,

and that combination can send a man out

into the night on a greasy pole

with equal amounts of tar and feathers,

( knocking on door )

All right, Gently, Goliath, gently,

Wipe that guilty look off your face

and see who's at the door,

( door opens )

MAN: Can I see Dr. Stringfellow?

That would be me, sir,

I was wondering if maybe--

Well, come in, come in,

No need to stand out in the desert sun

and addle your brains,

Here, sit down,

Now, how can I be of service to you?

I got a sick kid,

real sick,

There are no doctors around here

and then I saw your wagon

- and you call yourself,,, - A doctor, Yes,

I have a medical degree from the Vienna Academy

and several other equally prestigious universities,

Could-could you look at her?

She's in terrible pain

and I ain't got no medicine

or anything,

Well, unfortunately,

I've retired from private practice,

I got money, doc,

I was saving it up for a new plow

or some fixin' on the barn,

Well, it's not a question of money,

No, I never heal for profit,

Oh, perhaps if I just took a look at her

maybe I could prescribe something,

I'd be obliged to you, doc,

I really would,

Her ma died a little over a year ago

and her sister the year before that,

so she's all I got,

Yeah, yes, yes, indeed,

Indeed,

Well, Rolpho, be a good lad

and hand me a bottle of that rejuvenator,

will you?

( wind whistling )

This won't take long,

GIRL: Pa?

Pa, is that you?

It's me, honey,

I brung this good doctor here

and he's gonna make you well,

Oh, it hurts so terrible, Pa,

It hurts so terrible bad,

Where's the pain, child?

Right here,,,

but growing,

Growing all over,

It's an abdominal disorder,

What can you do, doc?

Is there any way you can stop that pain?

Well, you just give her a tablespoon

of this rejuvenator every two hours

and it oughta start to

take effect by morning,

And it'll cure her?

Oh, without a doubt, sir,

Yes, without a doubt,

You just give her the,,, dosage I've prescribed

and well, she ought to be all right

early next week,

MAN: God bless you, doc,

Oh, just a dollar for the rejuvenator

and a small honorarium

for my time,

It's Dr. Stringfellow,

I'm afraid that you have the advantage, sir,

Doubtful,

I ran out of advantages a long time ago,

But the name is Snyder,

It used to be Dr. Snyder,

Snyder,

Snyder,

Oh, yes, I knew a Dr. Snyder

at the Paris Institute

when I was studying there,

Oh, and another Snyder,

a colleague of mine

when I was called to Bulgaria

to perform surgery on-- - Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm afraid that your humor eludes me, sir,

Oh, does it?

Now let me tell you something,

Dr. Stringfellow,

That little girl there

in the wagon bathed in sweat,

if the pain is on the right side,

it's appendix,

And if the face is gray

and the pain is insufferable,

then it's probably peritonitis,

And if it is the appendix

and it's been going on for a week,

all that's needed now is a shovel

and a small plot of earth,

Diagnosis by a drunk,

Doubtless, but with a far sight

more truth than the labels

on those bottles of yours,

Nine dollars,

Traveled 300 miles for $9,

What about that little girl?

What little girl?

Oh, that little girl,

That little girl will be dead within 48 hours,

Said demise can hardly be considered a testimonial

for Dr. Stringfellow's Rejuvenator,

so right after supper,

we'll be on our way,

Hopefully, be 50 miles from here

before the sad event takes place,

Couldn't you do nothing for her?

Nothing short of a resurrection,

ROLPHO: What's a resurrection?

The bringing back of the dead,

ROLPHO: Could you do that?

Could you bring her back from the dead?

My dear moonstruck boy,

If there was enough money in it

I would give it one powerful try,

And this would be a night for it,

Oh, bartender, another bottle of this,

Two dollars,

Sheesh,

Swill that passes itself off as whisky,

Hmm,

Two dollars to curdle your insides,

It's a lot better than the stuff we sell,

What did you say?

Oh, nothin',

No, go on, Rolpho,

Passing judgment perhaps?

Some critical comment on something or other

that you've dredged up

out of that thin ditch you call a brain?

Well, it's just that you keep on

telling them people it cures all them things,

all them sicksnesses and diseases,

Even that sick little girl,

And all it is is just a little caramel color,

a little wood alcohol,

and a little burnt cork--

it don't seem fair,

You just don't understand,

do you, Rolpho?

All right, so it doesn't cure dyspepsia,

it has no effects on boils

or yellow fever

or the dropsies,

So what?

Do you know what's in Dr. String's Rejuvenator?

Uh-uh,

Dreams,

It should be on the label,

One part wishful thinking,

one part ignorance,

and one part the sweat of little men

who seek immortality and are dumb enough

to think it can be bottled,

I should be getting a hundred dollars a swallow

for that stuff, and a medal at the same time,

Because I give hope

to the hopeless,

dreams to the dreamless,

an illusion of health

to all the poor,

doomed yokels that have a dollar

in their jeans,

You see, I let them get a little peek

over the pigsty,

get a view of heaven,

Hmm?

Doc, she's so weak,

She can't hardly say anything now,

She just lies there

whimperin' with the pain,

And she's hardly breathing,

Take some advice, my friend,

Keep her covered and warm,

Give her enough whisky to make her numb

and find a reverend,

You told me she'd be well again!

Who the hell do you think he is,

Saint Francis?

This is a medicine man, mister,

He'll break your heart for a 50-cent piece,

What am I gonna do?

What about my kid?

What am I gonna do?

She's lying out there in the buckboard

dying an inch at a time,

Rolpho, go get me another bottle

of the rejuvenator,

My dear God, haven't you,,,

Rolpho, go do what I told you,

- If you think for one-- - Be quiet, Dr. Snyder!

Dr. Snyder here is the protector

of the common good,

a drunk, and a sot,

and an unhealed healer,

but he claims to speak

for the speechless,

You know what I do, brother?

I sell faith,

I am gonna give that child of yours enough belief

so that she can kick her way out of a pine coffin

if she needs to be, do you understand me?

If that child crosses over into the shadows,

I am gonna bring her back to life,

Now,,,you go get her,

Why don't you just bushwhack him

out there in the storm?

Knife him for his wallet,

Compared to what you're doing,

that would be an act of Christian charity,

For a soused-up wreck, you've got a lot of judgments

in you, haven't you?

Well, for the moment, why don't you just go back

to your bottle and shut up?

Or better,

you go out to that mournful man

and read him some Latin

out of the medical books,

Or you tell him with the charts

how irrevocable death is,,,

and then see who he believes, hmm?

You,,,or me?

( wind whistling )

- She's dead, - Hmm,

Another of your razor-sharp perceptions, huh?

But,,,not an unworthy effort

on my part,

I just took the long shot,

If she'd lived, they'd be speaking my name

down at the Texas border,

Well, let's go, Rolpho,

There are other towns,

other sheep,

You're leaving us, doctor?

Well, I'm a travelin' man,

And you'll never run out of places

to travel to, will you?

Or poor ignorant people to rob,

Deep pools of misery that you're wading into

with your dirty feet,

What a prince of a fellow

you are, medicine man,

But there's a service you perform,

Whoever stands next to you,

and it could be the Devil himself,,,

you make him look like God,

Is this a haunt or a resurrection?

Did you kick yourself out of that pine box

or are you some floating spirit

come to point a finger at me?

( wind whistling )

Stay,

Stay right where you are, child,

Stay where you are!

( thud )

MAN: I just don't understand it,

That sign missed him by a good foot,

His heart just quit on him, I reckon,

Well, I'll just leave you in here

to pay your respects,

Oh, bring the lantern when you come out,

ROLPHO: Fool old man,

thought you were smart,

Turns out you be the dumbest of them all,

What'd you do that for?

Why not?

Nothing in there worth anything,

Nothing in there worth anything either,

Our final selection this evening,

an import from that other region,

that infernal inferno down below,

Offered to you now in living color

and with a small scent of sulfur,

Our painting is called

Hell's Bells,

( tires squeal )

(echoing) Blasphemer!

Liar!

Parasite!

Cynic!

Cheat!

Hypocrite!

Thief!

Idolater!

( fire crackling )

Slob!

You are a slob!

- Hey, lady, is this it? - Is this what?

You know, hell,

No, this is the waiting room,

We're very rushed,

They're sending too many people down here lately,

I don't know what they expect us to do,

You'll have to take your turn just like every--

I don't know what you think this is all about, young man,

but this is no pig pen,

Neat, You've got to be neat,

Don't get uptight with me, lady,

Fat lady!

I'm hip,

Uh,,,

Fat Lady, all I was doing was driving my car,,,

I don't have any time for discussions,

Well, that's pretty far out,

So this is it, huh?

Hell, Man, how bad can it be?

( sighs )

That's a trip,

( buzzing )

Unbelievable!

Hey, Records, man,

Maybe I can hear some music,

Wow! That's the most fantastic stack of records

I've ever seen,

Maybe they got one of my groups here,

( old-fashioned music playing )

( music continues )

Hey, can you do something about that music?

Slob!

( music playing )

MAN: Nice weather for this time of year,

Hey, man,

Am I glad to see you,

I thought I was gonna have to wait

alone in this room,

Hey, can you tell me

what time does the next group leave for Hell?

Of course, it's colder than last Tuesday,

but no point in worrying about that,

It's warmer than it was two weeks ago come Thursday,

Hey, you're right, man, That's beautiful,

We got to talk about other things,

Get our minds off this place

and that music, Yeah,

Hey, isn't that something about The Beatles splitting up?

Best thing for beetles is tincture of arsenic,

Of course, down in the farm, we used to use

old-fashioned zinc powder,

Rain'd wash it off, till Granddaddy

mixed it with glue,

No man, I'm talking about the group!

Baby had the croup once,

Grandma mixed up some camphor

and boiled it in sulfur,

Hey, you know something, man,

you are boring,

Yeah,

You are a bore!

This whole place is boring!

Bummer!

MAN: You're in luck,

Yessiree, luck,

Little woman here is gonna show you

the 8,500 slides she took of our trip

down to Tijuana, Mexico,

How many slides?

MAN: 8,500,

Oh, no, man, no,

Come on, I wanna see the Devil,

Where are you, man?!

Show your ugly face!

Having a good time?

- Are you the Devil? - I am,

Hey, man, that's far out,

I'll get the lights, dear,

Hey, tell me, what is this put-on?

I beg your pardon?

No, I mean, how long are you gonna keep me

in this dumb room?

I mean, when do we go to Hell?

The whips and the chains, the boiling oil,

snakes, all that stuff?

( music playing )

This is it,

What do you mean this is it?

- This is Hell? - Yes,

WOMAN: This first one I took

from the freeway in San Diego,

My dear boy, Hell is never

what you expect it to be,

But for you, this is it,

Don't you like it?

No, man, it's a downer,

Yes, it is, isn't it?

Of course, you can't see it too clearly

because Greg was driving so fast,

You know, it's a curious thing,

but they have exactly the same room

up there,

What do you mean, that guy, those slide people?

This wallpaper?

They got that in heaven?

Yes, you see,

while this room is hell for you,

absolute beastly hell,

up there, the identical room

is someone else's idea of heaven,

Think about that,

Bye,

( music playing )

No, Bummer,

Bummer,

Bummer, bummer, bummer!

WOMAN: Now this one shows

the new 747 on its way to Hawaii,

No dear, that's a seagull,

Oh, I thought it was one of those new 747s,

Anyhow, here in the corner

is part of the Navy shipyard,

There was supposed to be an aircraft carrier,

but I missed it,

You can still see part of the anchor,,,,

( music playing )