Original subtitles

♪

>> Announcer: START THE CLOCK.

♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Bill: THANK YOU, PEOPLE.

HOW ARE YOU?

HOW ARE YOU DOWN THERE?

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

ALL RIGHT.

PLEASE.

THERE'S SO MUCH TO GET INTO

TODAY.

IT'S FOUR DAYS BEFORE THE

ELECTION.

ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT THAT?

THE ELECTION.

EVERYTHING'S COMING OUT.

THE NEW YORK TIMES.

WE'VE HEARD THIS FOR YEARS THEY

SAY THERE'S EVIDENCE NOW THAT

REPRESENTATIVE ILHAN OMAR OF

MINNESOTA MAY HAVE IN FACT

MARRIED HER BROTHER WHICH IS

HURTING HER A LOT IN MINNESOTA.

IN WEST VIRGINIA THE APPROVAL

RATINGS ARE OFF THE CHARTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW.

ALL THIS.

YOU SAW THE ONE IN ALASKA.

YOU SEE HOW THAT RACE IS GOING

WITH DAN SULLIVAN AND

DAN J. SULLIVAN.

THE DEMOCRATS.

YEAH, DIRTY TRICK.

IT'S LEGAL, OKAY.

THEY ALL DO IT.

DAN SULLIVAN'S A SENATOR.

HE'S A. REPUBLICAN SO YOU'VE GOT

A GUY NAMED DAN SULLIVAN.

THE REPUBLICANS ARE ARE

OUTRAGED.

THEY SAID THIS WOULD NEVER

HAPPEN IF GEORGE W. BUSH OR

GEORGE H.W. BUSH WAS PRESIDENT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU KNOW IT'S GETTING NASTY.

THERE'S 160 DIFFERENT CAMPAIGN

ADS NOW THAT ARE MENTIONING

JEFFREY EPSTEIN.

THEY SAY HE'S A PEDOPHILE.

THEY SAY HE PARTIED WITH TRUMP.

EPSTEIN?

WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT THE BIG SCANDAL OF COURSE IS

WHAT OBAMA SAID.

HE WAS CAMPAIGNING AND HE SAID

THE WHITE HOUSE LOOKS LIKE

SADDAM HUSSEIN WHO IS A FASCIST

DICTATOR WHO GASSED HIS OWN

PEOPLE WAS RUNNING A CHEESECAKE

FACTORY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THE REPUBLICANS ALL SAID

LEAVE THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY OUT

OF THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, I MEAN.

I SHOULD KNOW.

I JUST HAD DINNER THERE.

I HEAR IT WENT WELL.

WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

NO, DID YOU SEE THE 1300 WORD

TWEET HE SENT OUT?

LONGEST EVER.

KIND OF A FLEX.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I TELL YOU.

DINING AT THE WHITE HOUSE IS THE

OPPOSITE OF THE CHEESECAKE

FACTORY.

AFTER YOU LEAVE THEY REVIEW YOU.

I MEAN.

[APPLAUSE]

HE WENT OFF ON ME LIKE

KELLY CLARKSON IN A TOY STORE.

[LAUGHTER]

EATING WITH TRUMP WAS LIKE

DATING TAYLOR SWIFT.

IT'S A LOT OF LAUGHS AT THE TIME

BUT IN TIME THEY ARE TEARING YOU

A NEW ASSHOLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE IT HERE.

LOOK I DON'T WANT IT TO BE THIS

WAY.

THIS WHOLE POINT OF HAVING THESE

DINNERS.

IT IS A LITTLE LONG.

THE WHOLE POINT OF HAVING THESE

DINNERS WAS TALK.

DISAGREE, BUT LISTEN WHICH HE

DOES IN PERSON.

DON'T HATE EACH OTHER.

THEN I GO BACK TO MY JOB HERE

AND THEN THE HEARTACHES BEGIN.

SO I'M NOT GOING TO REFUTE

EVERYTHING BUT I DO HAVE TO

ADDRESS A FEW OF THE

ALLEGATIONS.

IT BEGINS.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE COMPLETE

AND TOTAL LOSER BILL MAHER.

YOU GOT ME THERE.

OKAY.

I WILL OWN THAT.

WHEN I HAVE WATCHED THE SHOW

WHICH ISN'T OFTEN, IT ALWAYS

ENDS WITH DISHONESTY ABOUT

ME BUT WHO CARES?

"YEAH, WHO CARES?

THREE PAGES, WHO CARES.

THIS IS WHAT ME OFF.

HE DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE WHAT I

SAY.

HE DOESN'T THINK IT'S A GOOD

THING.

HE'S TALKING ABOUT ME.

TO TAKE THE NUCLEAR WEAPON AWAY

FROM IRAN WHICH SHOWS YOU THAT

HE'S NOT VERY SMART.

DONE, CAN I SHOW YOU SOMETHING?

WE BOMBED IRAN AND IT'S GOING ON

NOW.

YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY I HATE IT?

I DON'T.

I WAS FOR THE SHOT AT IRAN TO

TAKE OUT THIS REGIME.

YOU SAW THAT WITH IRAN WHICH I

THOUGHT WAS A NECESSARY THING TO

TRY.

ONE PEOPLE OF THE LUNATIC LEFT

WHO'S GLAD YOU HIT IRAN.

AM I SMART NOW?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PAGE 2.

HE TALKS ABOUT HOW I CALLED HIM

INCESSANTLY.

I'VE NEVER CALLED YOU.

YOU'VE CALLED ME.

I'D BE AFRAID TO CALL YOU.

YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.

I THINK YOU'RE TOO BUSY.

WELL, PLAINLY NOT.

HE'S TALKING ABOUT ME.

HE INVITED HIMSELF TO THE WHITE

HOUSE.

AS IF YOU COULD DO THAT.

SIR, BILL MAHER IS HERE.

WELL, HE'S NOT INVITED BUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE HAD OUR FIRST MEETING.

BILL WAS VERY NERVOUS.

HE ASKED FOR A DRINK.

HE WAS VERY INSECURE.

HE HAD A SERIOUSLY BRUISED EYE

AND NOSE AREA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE ARE PICTURES OF IT THAT

YOU GAVE ME!

I DON'T HAVE IT!

IT'S IN THE PICTURES!

AND THEN THIS.

I WANT TO TELL BILL AT THIS

DINNER THAT HE'S A MAJOR.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL.

I GUESS THE CAT IS OUT OF THE

BAG NOW.

BOY, THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.

I THOUGHT I WAS JUST HAPPY.

HE LOOKED LIKE HELL THIS TIME.

BILL WAS AND HAD ALCOHOL IN HIS

HAND.

THAT YOU GAVE ME.

AS HE WALKED THROUGH THE WHITE

HOUSE.

I LOVE THIS.

OVER ALL I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD

MEETING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I UNDERSTAND HE'S DOING HIS

THING.

I NEVER TOOK IT PERSONALLY.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S NOT A NICE GUY.

AND WHAT HE SPOUTS ISN'T WHAT HE

BELIEVED.

HE HAS TO CATER TO HIS BASE

WHICH IS MOSTLY COMPOSED OF

LOSERS.

THAT WOULD BE YOU ASSHOLES.

ALL RIGHT, WE'VE GOT A GREAT

SHOW.

KID ROCK AND JIM VANDEHEI ARE

HERE, BUT FIRST.

HE'S A REPUBLICAN SENATOR FROM

TEXAS AND AUTHOR OF

"GOING FURTHER: THE INCOMPARABLE

CLARENCE THOMAS": SENATOR

TED CRUZ.

IS OVER HERE!

ALL RIGHT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SENATOR, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

♪

ALL RIGHT.

SO.

THERE WAS NO PRESSURE ON YOU TO

COME HERE WAS THERE?

>> NONE WHATSOEVER.

BY THE WAY, THAT WAS FUNNY AS

HELL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Bill: YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING

NOT TO FIGHT.

I'M NOT.

I COULD BE MEANER.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S

POSSIBLE.

>> Bill: ALL RIGHT BUT WE ONLY

HAVE A LIMITED TIME.

I WANT TO GET YOUR BOOK IT'S

IMPORTANT TO YOU.

LOOK, I GOT IT LATE.

I'M NOT GOING TO LIE AND SAY I

HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO READ IT.

I WANT TO GIVE YOU WHAT I THINK

IS A GOOD PLUG.

I WANT TO READ IT AND I'LL TELL

YOU WHY BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST

ANYBODY.

MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE BEEN HEARING

CLARENCE THOMAS IS A HUGE

ASSHOLE.

I'VE BEEN HEARING HE NEVER

SPEAKS.

HE MUST BE RETARDED.

ALL THESE THINGS.

SOMEBODY HE GOES DUCK HUNTING

WITH, HE'S CORRUPT.

I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING.

MAYBE THAT'S OLD TRUTH.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME IN

THIS BOOK THAT MAKES ME THINK

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WAS BEING LED ASTRAY?

>> AUTOBIOGRAPHY THAT TELLS HIS

LIFE STORY.

I ADMIRE HIM.

PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS,

PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HIS STORY.

HE WAS BORN 1948 SO THREE YEARS

AFTER WORLD WAR II.

BORN IN ABJECT POVERTY IN RURAL

GEORGIA.

ENGLISH WAS NOT HIS FIRST

LANGUAGE.

HE SPOKE A DIALECT, HE WAS ON

COASTAL ISLAND.

HE SPOKE DIALECT CALLED GEECHEE.

HE LIVED IN A TENEMENT WITH HIS

MOM WITHOUT INDOOR PLUMBING.

HE WAS RAISED BY HIS

GRANDPARENTS.

VERY STRICT DISCIPLINE.

HE FACED MASSIVE RACISM.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS BORN AND GREW

UP BEFORE

- BROWN v. - BOARD OF EDUCATION IN

A TIME OF SEGREGATED SCHOOLS.

HE WENT TO SEMINARY AND HE

STUDIED TO BE A PRIEST.

AND HE ENDED UP GETTING

DISILLUSIONED WITH THE CHURCH

AND IN PARTICULAR OVER RACE AND

CIVIL RIGHTS THAT HE DIDN'T

THINK THE CHURCH WAS SPEAKING UP

ENOUGH AGAINST SEGREGATION,

AGAINST DISCRIMINATION.

A STORY THAT I TELL IN THE BOOK

WHEN HE WAS IN SEMINARY AND THIS

IS WHEN HE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

HE DID SEMINARY FOR HIGH SCHOOL

AND COLLEGE.

A KID PASSED HIM THE NOTE.

ONE OF ONLY TWO BLACK KIDS IN

THE SEMINARY.

A KID PASSED HIM A NOTE THAT

SAID I LIKE MARTIN LUTHER KING.

AND HE TURNS THE PAPER OVER AND

ON THE BACK IT SAYS DEAD.

THAT'S THE KIND OF ENVIRONMENT

HE WAS IN AND HE ENDED UP

GETTING ANGRY.

HE WITHDREW FROM SEMINARY, HE

GOT ANGRY AT GOD AND THE CHURCH.

AND HE WENT ACROSS FOR COLLEGE

WHERE HE BECAME A LEFT WING

RADICAL.

CLARENCE THOMAS'S JOURNEY.

WHEN HE WAS IN COLLEGE, HE WORE

CAMO PANTS AND ARMY BOOTS, HE

HAD A POSTER OF MALCOLM X. ON

THE WALL.

HE WENT TO BLACK PANTHER

RALLIES, HE WAS PART OF A RIOT

AND BARBARIC SQUARE.

WHEN I TRIED TO DO IN THE BOOK

IS TRACE HIS PERSONAL JOURNEY.

THERE'S NO JUSTICE THAT HAS NOT

COME FROM ABJECT POVERTY TO THE

PINNACLE OF AMERICAN LAW, BUT

ALSO TRACES IDEOLOGICAL JOURNEY

FROM AN ANGRY LEFT WING RADICAL

TO ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT

CONSERVATIVE THINKERS TO HAVE

EVER LIVED.

AND FINALLY TODAY

CLARENCE THOMAS IS THE SECOND

LONGEST SERVING SUPREME COURT

JUSTICE IN HISTORY WITHIN ABOUT

A YEAR AND A HALF HE'LL BECOME

THE LONGEST SERVING JUSTICE EVER

TO SERVE ON THE COURT.

SO I TRY IN THE BOOK TO TAKE HIS

OPINIONS AND MAKE HIM

UNDERSTANDABLE, MAKE HIM SO YOU

DON'T HAVE TO BE A LAWYER OR

EXPERT.

BUT I TELL THE STORY SO THAT IT

IS FUN, IT'S INTERESTING, SO YOU

KNOW WHO HE IS.

I SAT WITH HIM FOR 9.5 HOURS TO

DO ONE ON ONE INTERVIEWS.

>> Bill: IN THE COURT, Y NO.

>> THAT'S ACTUALLY THE OPENING

CHAPTER OF THE BOOK AND THERE'S

LOTS OF DIFFERENT THEORIES.

HOW ON THE LEFT HE'S BEEN

DEMONIZED AND VILIFIED.

WHETHER REPORTERS OR PROFESSORS

OR OTHERS THAT SAID HE'S TOO

STUPID TO SPEAK.

THAT'S WHY HE DIDN'T SPEAK.

OTHERS SAID IT'S BECAUSE ENGLISH

WAS NOT HIS FIRST LANGUAGE AND

HE WAS RELUCTANT TO SPEAK.

SO WHAT'S INTERESTING I ASKED

HIM THAT AND I ARGUED NINE TIMES

IN FRONT.

THAT I CAN TELL YOU THAT NINE

TIMES HE ARGUED HE NEVER ASKED

ME A SINGLE QUESTION.

I ALWAYS HAD A THEORY WHICH WAS

THAT THE OTHER JUSTICES ASKED

TONS OF QUESTIONS.

AND HE IS SOMEONE WHO'S VERY

SYSTEMATIC AND HE WANTS TO

LISTEN TO THE ARGUMENTS.

HE'LL ASK A QUESTION IF HE HAS

ONE BUT HE ALWAYS FELT THE OTHER

JUSTICES WERE SHOWING OFF A

LITTLE BIT.

THEY WERE ASKING TOO MANY

QUESTIONS AND INTERRUPTING THE

ARGUMENT.

HE WANTED TO SIT BACK AND THINK.

WHAT'S INTERESTING NOW WHEN

COVID HAPPENED THEY CHANGED HOW

ARGUMENTS HAPPENED.

IT USED TO BE YOU STOOD AT THE

PODIUM AND THE JUSTICES PEPPERED

QUESTIONS AT YOU.

NOW THEY SET IT UP SO EACH

JUSTICE HAS A PERIOD TO ASK

QUESTIONS AND TODAY

CLARENCE THOMAS ASKED LOTS OF

QUESTIONS BECAUSE IT'S NO LONGER

HIS COLLEAGUES DOMINATING--

>> Bill: ALL RIGHT.

SO I'M GOING TO READ THE BOOK,

FIND OUT WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU.

MAYBE YOU'LL CHANGE MY MIND ON

HIS POLITICS.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CHANGE ME ON

ANITA HILL BECAUSE I BELIEVE

HER.

I DO.

LOOK--

[APPLAUSE]

THE IDEA, I MEAN THE ESSENTIAL

PREMISE OF POLITICS THAT

GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS INTENDED TO

HELP BLACK PEOPLE ACTUALLY MAKE

THEM SUBSERVIENT.

THAT'S WORTH LOOKING AT.

THE OTHER THING COME ON.

HE WAS A LOVELY GUY.

PUBIC HAIR ON THE AND?

WHO COULD MAKE THAT UP?

>> LOOK, THERE'S A LOT OF

TRIBALISM IN AMERICA WHERE IF

YOU'RE ON ONE TEAM AND YOU THINK

THE OTHER TEAM'S TERRIBLE AND

VICE VERSA.

>> Bill: NO, JUST HIM.

ON THIS ONE ISSUE.

ON THIS ONE THING.

I DO.

I'M JUST TALKING THIS ONE THING.

AND AGAIN I WASN'T THERE.

YOU NEVER KNOW.

NOBODY WILL EVER KNOW.

>> CAN I POINT OUT AT THAT TIME

TWO-THIRDS OF AMERICANS

DISAGREED WITH YOU?

>> Bill: WHO GIVES A SHIT?

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHO CARES.

SO WHAT HAPPENED, THE COUNTRY

WATCHED ANITA HILL TESTIFY.

THEY WATCHED HIM RESPOND TO IT.

HE WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN CONFIRMED

THIS IS A DEMOCRAT SENATE THAT

CONFIRMED CLARENCE THOMAS.

>> Bill: THEY WERE DIFFERENT.

>> THEY WERE DIFFERENT BUT AT

THE TIME PEOPLE WATCHED AND BY

2-1 MARGIN THE PEOPLE WATCHING

SAID I BELIEVE THAT GUY AND I

WILL MAKE THIS POINT.

IF YOU LOOK AT PUBLIC LIFE AS

SEXUAL PREDATORS AND THERE HAVE

BEEN SADLY TOO MANY IN THE

POLITICAL WORLD.

TYPICALLY SOMEONE DOESN'T DO IT

JUST ONCE.

IF THEY'RE A SEXUAL PREDATOR,

THERE'S A PATTERN OF IT OVER THE

YEARS.

>> Bill: MAYBE HE DID IT AND

OTHER PEOPLE DIDN'T COME

FORWARD?

OKAY.

WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

I JUST WANT TO SAY TO GIVE ME

SOME STANDING IN THIS I THOUGHT

THE BRETT KAVANAUGH THING WAS

BULLSHIT.

SO IT'S NOT JUST PARTIZAN.

>> I ACTUALLY CONNECTED THOSE

TWO.

THE BRETT KAVANAUGH HEARINGS I

WAS ON THE SENATE JUDICIARY

COMMITTEE AND I ACTUALLY

DESCRIBE WHEN THE ALLEGATIONS

CAME OUT AGAINST BRETT KAVANAUGH

WITH A MEETING ALL THE SENATE

REPUBLICANS.

BY THE WAY IN BOTH INSTANCES THE

DEMOCRATS HAD THE ALLEGATIONS

WEEKS AHEAD OF TIME.

THEY DIDN'T RELEASE THEM AND

THEY RELEASED THEM ON THE EVE OF

THE VOTE TO TRY TO SANDBAG THE

NOMINEE.

BUT WHAT I DESCRIBED IS SOME OF

MY REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES SAID WE

ARE NOT GOING TO HEAR THE

ALLEGATIONS.

LET'S GO FORWARD.

AND LOOK THAT'S NUTS.

BRETT KAVANAUGH IS NOT GETTING

CONFIRMED UNLESS THE SAME THING

THAT HAPPENS WITH

CLARENCE THOMAS HAPPENS WITH HIM

WHICH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE NEED

TO HEAR HIS ACCUSER AND THEY

NEED TO HEAR HIM AND MAKE A

JUDGMENT.

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE LISTEN TO

THE TWO OF THEM AND SAY THEY

BELIEVE HIM THAT'LL IT'LL GET

CONFIRMED.

>> Bill: WE HAVE AN ELECTION

COMING UP.

ARE YOU CONFIDENT THAT IT'S

GOING TO GO FAIR AND SQUARE?

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WON IOWA

AGAINST TRUMP IN 2016.

THE FIRST THING HE SAID IS YOU

CHEATED.

IT SEEMS LIKE THERE'S A LITTLE

PATTERN.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WHEN HE LOSES HE JUST SAYS

THE VOTE ISN'T THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHERE YOUR PARTY IS NOW.

ARE YOU GOING TO FIGHT AGAINST

THAT?

>> LOOK, TO BE FAIR.

THE DEMOCRAT PARTY IS THERE TOO.

I ALSO PART OF GEORGE W. BUSH'S

CAMPAIGN WHEN AL GORE BROUGHT

LITIGATION CHALLENGING FLORIDA

IN 2000--

>> Bill: FOR A GOOD REASON.

>> WHY, HE LOST?

>> Bill: THE SUPREME COURT

SAID HE LOST.

>> SO DID EVERY TOWN IN THE

COUNTY BALLOTS--

>> Bill: THEY STOPPED.

THEY STOPPED COUNTING THE

BALLOTS BECAUSE THE

SUPREME COURT TOLD THEM TO.

>> I WAS PART OF THE LITIGATION

TEAM SO I WAS IN FLORIDA 36 DAYS

LITIGATING--

>> Bill: LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT

THE FLORIDA ELECTION.

LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU CAME AS A

TEA PARTY GUY.

WE HAVE TO STOP THE

OUT-OF-CONTROL SPENDING.

HOW'S THAT GOING?

>> NOT WELL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK, BOTH PARTIES ARE A

TRAIN WRECK ON SPENDING.

>> Bill: BUT YOUR PARTY IS

SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE--

>> WE ARE.

I JOKED WE SHOULD MAKE A

BUMPER STICKER THAT SAYS

"REPUBLICANS:WE WASTE LESS."

YOU HAVE A MULTI-TRILLION DOLLAR

SPENDING BILL YOU'LL GET EVERY

DEMOCRAT AND HALF THE

REPUBLICANS.

THERE'S ABOUT 20 OF US WHO WILL

VOTE "NO."

I PRAY THAT CHANGES.

WHAT WE ARE DOING TO OUR KIDS IS

IRRESPONSIBLE AND WRONG.

RIGHT NOW A SUPERMAJORITY OF THE

SENATE WANTS TO KEEP DONATING.

>> Bill: I NOTICED THAT TRUMP

IS GOING AFTER JAMES COMEY FOR

THE THIRD TIME.

THE FIRST TIME WAS BECAUSE HE

WAS ON A BEACH.

AND HE PUT OUT YOU KNOW THIS

STORY.

HE WROTE IN SEASHELLS,

SEASHELLS, TED.

47-86 MEANING TRUMP THE 47, THEY

TRIED TO SAY IT WAS LIKE HE

WANTED TO KILL HIM OR SOMETHING?

I JUST WANT TO ASK THE AUTHOR OF

"JUSTICE CORRUPTED" WHAT YOU

THINK OF THIS?

>> I WILL SAY I THOUGHT IT WAS

LOOK, THE CASE WILL GO ANYWHERE

OR NOT.

IT WAS PRETTY ASTONISHING FOR A

FORMER DIRECTOR OF THE FBI TO

SAY TO 86 SOMEONE IS NOT TO GET

RID OF THEM.

IT'S TO KILL THEM.

>> Bill: NO, IT ISN'T.

WHERE DID YOU EVER HEAR THAT?

>> FROM EVERY MOB MOVIE I'VE

EVER WATCHED.

I DON'T GENERALLY SPEAKING IN

THE TERMS OF 86 SEEING SOMEONE.

AND EVERY PERSON WHO SAW--

>> Bill: WAIT, WO, WO.

I'VE WATCHED ALL THE MOB MOVIES

TOO.

THEY DON'T SAY 86, THEY SAY

WHACK A GUY.

THEY SAY HE'S GONE.

>> HE SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES.

>> Bill: DID YOU TAKE CARE OF

THAT THING?

YEAH, WE 86 TIM

>> OKAY.

HE DIDN'T SAY ABRUZZI SLEEPS

WITH THE FISH SO THAT'S AT LEAST

SOMETHING.

>> Bill: BUT DO YOU ACTUALLY

THINK JAMES COMEY WAS TRYING TO

FOMENT A PLOT TO ACTUALLY

ASSASSINATE TRUMP?

THAT WAS A MESSAGE IN SEASHELLS

TO THE ASSASSINS?

>> I CAN TELL YOU I DON'T THINK

I'VE EVER SEEN THE HEAD OF AN

FBI OR FORMER FBI CALLING FOR

KILLING A PRESIDENT.

THIS IS A PRESIDENT WHO HAS HAD

TWO ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS.

HE WAS SHOT SO IT'S NOT A MILD

THING.

SO LOOK.

I DON'T KNOW IF THE CASE WILL GO

ANYWHERE BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS

DISGUSTING FOR THE HEAD OF THE

FBI/LISTEN.

I AGREED WITH BARACK OBAMA.

I DISAGREE WITH JOE BIDEN.

I NEVER ADVOCATED VIOLENCE

AGAINST BOTH OF THEM AND THERE'S

TOO MUCH VIOLENCE IN OUR

POLITICAL SYSTEM.

THERE'S A CULTURE OF VIOLENCE

AND SO WHAT I THOUGHT

JAMES COMEY DID WAS DISGUSTING.

>> Bill: I THOUGHT IT WAS A

BIT OF A STRETCH BUT LET'S AGREE

TO DISAGREE.

I'M ALWAYS HAPPY THAT YOU'RE

WILLING TO COME ON THE SHOW AND

TALK TO ME.

>> LOOK BILL, EVERY DAY I FIND

MYSELF AGREEING WITH YOU MORE

AND MORE AND I DON'T KNOW IF

THAT SCARES ME MORE OR YOU MORE

BUT I'M GLAD TO BE HERE AND I'VE

NEVER HAD A PUMPKIN HEAD WITH MY

FACE ON IT.

>> Bill: TED, THANK YOU.

SENATOR TED CRUZ.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, TED.

LET'S MEET OUR PANEL.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY!

ALL RIGHT, HERE THEY ARE.

HE'S THE CO-FOUNDER AND

CEO OF AXIOS WHO CO-WROTE THE

BOOK "SIMPLIFY: DO 50% MORE WITH

50% LESS": JIM VANDEHEI.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S A GIANT ROCKSTAR

WHOSE NEW ALBUM IS CALLED

"HALFWAY 2 JESUS": KID ROCK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT COME ON BOYS COME ON

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE

IT'S ELECTION SEASON.

LAST CHANCE TO GO ON THE RECORD

AND MAKE OUR PREDICTION.

LET'S DO IT BECAUSE YOU KNOW

AFTER THIS IT'LL JUST BE

HISTORY.

I'M STICKING WITH MY PREDICTION

THAT THIS WILL BE A HISTORIC

THUMPING OF THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY.

I'VE HEARD A LOT RECENTLY THAT

SAID OH, NO.

LET'S NOT COUNT OUR CHICKENS.

WELL I'M COUNTING OUR CHICKENS.

PEOPLE ARE VERY, VERY MAD AT THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY IN THE TRUMP

PRESIDENCY AND THIS IS THEIR WAY

I SEE FOX NEWS VIEWERSHIP IS

DOWN 27%.

THAT SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE

ENTHUSIASM GOING ON IN THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY.

KANSAS, THEY HAVE NOT ELECTED A

REPUBLICAN SENATOR SINCE 1932

WHEN DOROTHY BEAT THE WITCH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE DEMOCRAT IS UP BY TEN

POINTS.

WHAT'S YOUR PREDICTION?

>> I THINK I'M WITH YOU.

WITH THE CAVEAT IT'S A 50/50

COUNTRY WE ARE SURPRISED ALL THE

TIME BY EVERY SINGLE INDICATOR

PEOPLE ARE SO HACKED OFF AT THE

PRESIDENT AND REPUBLICANS.

YOU SEE TV RATINGS.

I SEE IT IN MY OWN FAMILY.

PEOPLE WHO REALLY LIKED TRUMP

AND REPUBLICANS.

THEY'RE PISSED OFF ABOUT THE

WAR, TARIFFS, I WOULD NOT BE

SURPRISED IF IT'S A BIG

LANDSLIDE.

THE FACT WE'VE BEEN TALKING

ABOUT KANSAS, GEORGIA, TEXAS.

PLACES THAT SHOULD BE IN PLAY.

EVEN OHIO, IOWA.

THESE ARE REALLY REPUBLICAN

STATES.

THE FACT THEY'RE IN PLAY SHOWS

SOMETHING IS IN THE AIR.

I'D RATHER IT BE DEMOCRAT THAN

REPUBLICAN.

>> FIRST OF ALL I THINK IT'S

VERY TOUGH-- I CAN LOOK AT THE

FIRST ELECTION WITH

HILLARY CLINTON.

I REMEMBER GOING TO BED THAT

NIGHT LIKE THERE'S NO WAY MY GUY

CAN WIN.

THERE'S NO WAY.

I WAS CONVINCED FROM THE MEDIA

IT COULDN'T HAPPEN.

SPEAKING OF THE MEDIA IT'S VERY

TOUGH.

THE ONLY TIME YOU HEAR ABOUT

THIS MAN'S WINS IS WHEN HE TELLS

YOU ABOUT THEM.

THINK ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS

TEAM LIKE YOU JUST WOKE UP EVERY

DAY AND YOU SAW THE METS LOST.

THEY NEVER TOLD YOU THAT THEY

WON.

DO YOU EVER HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT

THE BOARD WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT

THE IRAN WAR WE.

WE DO NOT KNOW HOW THIS IS GOING

TO PLAY OUT.

WILL THIS BE GOOD FOR OUR

COUNTRY IN TEN YEARS?

TIME WILL BE THE ULTIMATE

DETERMINER.

I DON'T TRUST THE POLLS.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT MICHIGAN

ESPECIALLY MY FORMER HOME STATE.

I'M NOT SURE ABOUT TEXAS.

I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO BE A

SHELLACKING.

IF IT'S NOT THAT'S KIND OF A

WIN.

YOU KNOW IF THEY DON'T LET TOO

MANY OF THE CRAZIES-- WHICH I

KNOW THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY IS NOT

HAPPY ABOUT.

I LOOK AT IT LIKE KIND OF THE

TRANS TRANS, GAY THING.

ALL MY GAY FRIENDS ARE NOT HAPPY

ABOUT THE TRANS PEOPLE COMING IN

BRINGING ALL THE BAGGAGE IN TO A

LOT OF MILESTONES THAT THEY'VE

MADE.

AND THE DEMOCRATS ARE LIKE MAN.

WE DIDN'T NEED THIS CRAZY

SOCIALIST IDEOLOGICAL CRAP

COMING IN EITHER.

BUT I DON'T THINK THEY HAVE THE

BACKBONE TO STAND UP TO THEM.

>> Bill: NO, THEY DON'T.

AS OF NOW WHAT THEY'RE SAYING IS

WE WANT A BIG TENT.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS

ELECTION IS ABOUT.

THAT'S THE NEXT ELECTION.

THE NEXT ELECTION IS GOING TO BE

ABSOLUTELY ABOUT IS THE

DEMOCRATIC PARTY A BIG ENOUGH

TENT TO HAVE THE SOCIALISTS

WHICH A LOT OF TIMES IT'S

ACTUALLY COMMUNIST.

HE'S NOT WRONG ABOUT THAT.

THIS ELECTION IS ABOUT

DONALD TRUMP AND THEY DO NOT

LIKE THE THINGS HE'S DONE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO

HAPPEN THERE.

BUT I THINK THEY FUCKED UP THE

EXECUTION OF IT AS I JUST

SHOWED.

WHY DID HE WRITE THAT I WAS

AGAINST HIM WHAT I COULD SHOW

THE TAPE THERE?

>> HE'S A PRETTY BUSY MAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE HAS TIME TO

FACT-CHECK.

[LAUGHTER]

IN REAL TIME.

>> Bill: I DON'T THINK HE'S

FACT-CHECKING.

PLUS HE SAID I WAS DRUNK.

I WAS NOT DRUNK.

OKAY.

>> YOU WERE PRETTY HIGH.

WERE YOU NOT PRETTY HIGH?

>> Bill: WE HAVE A GOOD TIME.

AND IT WAS FOUR HOURS RIGHT?

I HAD TO LEAVE EARLY BUT YES.

OKAY BUT HE SAYS IT WAS TWO

HOURS LIKE WHAT'S THE POINT?

>> TALKING ABOUT DINNER AND THE

WHOLE THING.

>> Bill: OKAY, YEAH, IT

DOESN'T MATTER.

BUT WHY CAN'T ANYONE JUST TAKE A

JOKE?

I THINK YOU HAVE A GREAT SENSE

OF HUMOR.

WE CAN JOKE WITH EACH OTHER.

OBAMA THIS WEEK WHEN HE SAID

SADDAM HUSSEIN-- WHAT WAS IT?

THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY.

DID YOU THINK THAT WAS FUNNY?

>> YEAH.

I'M LAUGHING AT IT.

THIS IS WHAT WE DO IN OUR

SOCIETY.

WE TAKE ONE THING THAT ONE

PERSON SAYS AND WE MAKE-- WHO

DOES THIS?

THE SCUMBAG MEDIA.

THEY POLARIZE EVERYBODY FOR A

CLICK AND VIEW BECAUSE IT'S THE

ADVERTISING DOLLARS.

>> Bill: THE REPUBLICANS WHO

ARE PRETENDING THAT THE

CHEESECAKE FACTORY IS NOW A CORE

VALUE OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

>> THEY'VE DONE IT ON BOTH

SIDES.

>> Bill: ABSOLUTELY,

OF COURSE.

BUT THEY'RE PRETENDING THAT

OBAMA IS AN ELITIST.

DO YOU THINK OBAMA IS AN

ELITIST?

I REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS ON

"60 MINUTES" THAT TIME WITH

MICHELLE AND HE WAS TALKING

ABOUT WHEN THEY USED TO DATE AND

THE CAR HE PICKED HER UP IN HAD

A HOLE IN THE FLOOR OF THE CAR.

YOU COULD SEE THE ROAD WHEN

YOU'RE RIDING.

DID TRUMP EVER HAVE AN

EXPERIENCE LIKE THAT?

I JUST.

>> THAT DUDE LIKES McDONALD'S.

HE LIKES IT A LOT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Bill: OKAY.

SO OBAMA WAS CAMPAIGNING FOR

EL-SAYED.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT ONE.

HE SAID THEY'LL USE LIES AND

FEAR AND DIVISION TO SUGGEST

YOU'RE A LESS DANGEROUS AND LESS

THAN TRUSTWORTHY AND LESS

PATRIOTIC AND AMERICAN THAN THEY

ARE.

WE'VE SEEN THIS MOVIE AND I

STARRED IN IT.

I'M GOING TO CALL BULLSHIT ON

THIS.

I THINK AS FAR AS THIS ISSUE

GOES ABOUT ISLAM IN AMERICA AND

MUSLIM, THE LEFT IS NAIVE AND

THE RIGHT IS HYSTERICAL.

HYSTERICAL.

I MEAN THERE ARE THINGS THAT ARE

BEING SAID.

TRUMP SAID IF ABDUL AND THE

DEMOCRATS WIN, THEY'LL OPEN THE

FLOODGATES AND INVITE HORDES OF

JIHADISTS TO OUR SHORES CREATING

A NIGHTMARE OF VIOLENCE AND

TERROR UNTIL YOU CANNOT EVEN

HAVE A CHRISTMAS.

POLITICS.

YOU DON'T REALLY BELIEVE THAT DO

YOU?

I MEAN AGAIN, THEY ARE NAIVE ON

THE LEFT.

ON THIS ISSUE AND WE CAN GET

INTO THAT BUT THIS IS ALSO A

CRAZY.

>> CAN I TELL YOU ABOUT ABDUL

EL-SAYED?

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THE MUSLIM

BROTHERHOOD THING AND YES HIS

MOTHER IN THE '70s DIDN'T

RAISE HIM FAIR ENOUGH.

BUT THE OP ED HE WROTE WHEN HE

WAS IN COLLEGE WHICH BY THE WAY

I UNDERSTAND HIS EDUCATION WAS

FUNDED BY GEORGE SOROS.

IN COLLEGE SUPPORTING THE

EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT WHO WAS

ABSOLUTELY WITH THE MUSLIM

BROTHERHOOD AND EVEN CALLED ON

HIM TO PURGE THE POLICE AND THE

MEDIA.

IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU, IN

THE LAST DEBATE IN MICHIGAN WITH

THE CANDIDATE MIKE ROGERS, THEY

WERE ASKED POINT BLANK WHO'S A

BIGGER THREAT TO AMERICA?

IRAN OR ISRAEL?

MIKE ROGERS, IRAN.

ABDUL ASKED HIM TWICE.

COULD NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU

THREW A BIG HELPING OF SOCIALISM

ON TOP.

PEOPLE TALK ABOUT ASSIMILATION

ALL THE TIME.

RIGHT?

THIS MAN VERY MUCH IS

ASSIMILATED.

GOOD EDUCATION, WELL-SPOKEN,

GOOD LOOKING GUY.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE ASSIMILATED

WELL?

THE PIECES OF SHIT WHO FLEW

THOSE PLANES INTO OUR WORLD

TRADE CENTERS.

THIS IS HAPPENING ALL OVER THE

WORLD.

IT SCARES THE HILL OUT OF ME.

ISLAMIC EXTREMISM.

IS HE A WOLF IN SHEEP'S

CLOTHING?

IS HE WOLF IN WOLF'S CLOTHING?

>> Bill: NOT THAT IT MATTERS

SO MUCH BUT THE NINE OVER 11

HIJACKERS WERE NOT HERE

ASSIMILATED.

THEY WERE FROM SAUDI ARABIA.

[APPLAUSE]

YOUR POINT, I THINK YOU'RE

RIGHT.

HE WAS ASKED WHO'S THE BIGGER

THREAT TO AMERICA, IRAN OR

ISRAEL.

ISRAEL JUST HAD AN ELECTION.

YOU MAY NOT LIKE THE OUTCOME BUT

IT WAS A REAL ELECTION.

IRAN DOESN'T HAVE THOSE.

THEY SHOOT PROTESTERS IN THE

STREET.

YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET MY

VOTE IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

THAT FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCE.

>> RIGHT, BUT THERE'S A BIG

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANTI-ISRAEL

AND THEN SAYING SOMEONE IS A

MEMBER OF THE MUSLIM

BROTHERHOOD.

>> Bill: CORRECT, I AGREE.

>> THAT THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE

AWAY CHRISTMAS BECAUSE THEY'RE A

TERRORIST IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING OR

WHATEVER THE LANGUAGE IS.

I THINK THAT'S THE STUFF THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

THIS STUFF WHERE YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY.

ABOUT MAKING THESE WILD

ACCUSATIONS.

THEY REALLY HAVE NOTHING TO DO

WITH THIS MOMENT IN HISTORY

WHICH IS IF YOU JUST STEP BACK

IT'S KIND OF A BIG MOMENT IN

HISTORY.

YOU HAVE THIS ARTIFICIAL

INTELLIGENCE REVOLUTION THAT'S

GOING TO CHANGE OUR LIVES THAN

ANY TECHNOLOGY THAN WE HAVE

SEEN.

YOU'VE GOT A RISE IN CHINA.

YOU'VE GOT A LIVE WAR IN THE

MIDDLE EAST.

YOU'VE GOT PEOPLE WHO ARE

SUFFERING, THEY HAVE TO PAY A

HELL OF A LOT MORE FOR THINGS

THAT SHOULD BE A HELL OF A LOT

CHEAPER AND THAT'S WHY PEOPLE

ARE SO SICK OF POLITICS IN

GENERAL.

WHAT HAPPENS WITH THE ELECTIONS

IS YOU'RE RIGHT.

DEMOCRATS WALK AWAY FROM THE

ELECTION SAYING PEOPLE LOVE

DEMOCRATS, THERE'S NOTHING,

NOTHING IN THE EVIDENCE THAT

SAYS PEOPLE LOVE DEMOCRATS BUT

THEY HATE REPUBLICAN MORE RIGHT

NOW.

THAT'S WHAT THE POLITICS HAS

BECOME.

PLUG YOUR NOSE AND LIKE WHO DO

YOU HATE SLIGHTLY LESS THAN THE

OTHER PARTY?

IF WE KEEP GOING THROUGH THIS

CYCLE YEAR AFTER YEAR, CYCLE

AFTER CYCLE, YOU JUST SIT IN

THIS 20 YEAR PERIOD WHERE WE ARE

NOT DOING THAT MUCH GOOD AT

GOVERNMENT BY EITHER PARTY.

IT'S PARALYSIS.

WE TALKED ABOUT SENATOR CRUZ

WITH HIS DAD.

LOOK AT THE AMOUNT OF DEBT WE'VE

PILED UP PARTY AFTER PARTY.

THE ENTIRE PARTY THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY THAT SAYS WE

WANT SMALLER GOVERNMENT.

WHY THE HILL DO YOU KEEP GETTING

BIGGER GOVERNMENT?

YOU HAVE DEMOCRATS WHO ARE GOING

TO BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY AND ALL

THEY DO IS SPEND AS MUCH MONEY

BUT THEY PUT MORE SOCIAL

RESTRICTIONS ON HOW YOU SPEND

THE MONEY.

THEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE TO HELL

WITH IT.

[APPLAUSE]

>> Bill: ALL RIGHT.

IT'S HALLOWEEN TOMORROW.

ARE YOU ALL EXCITED ABOUT

HALLOWEEN?

I WAS LOOKING TO BUY A COSTUME

THIS YEAR AND BOY I WAS

DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE YOU CANNOT

BUY A COSTUME OF A CELEBRITY

BECAUSE THEY WILL SUE YOU.

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GO AS

SOMEBODY.

>> I WON'T.

>> Bill: LIKE YOU CAN'T GO AS

PRINCE.

YOU CAN'T BUY A COSTUME OF

PRINCE.

SO THEY PUT OUT THINGS CALLED

LIKE THE "PURPLE ARTIST"

WINK-WINK.

THESE ARE REAL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN'T BUY A MARILYN MONROE

COSTUME BUT YOU CAN GO AS THE

"HOLLYWOOD STARLET."

YOU CAN'T BUY A SUPER MARIO

COSTUME BUT YOU CAN GO AS THE

"RED PLUMBER GUY."

THOSE ARE ALL REAL.

THOSE AREN'T THE ONLY ONES.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR SOME

OTHERS?

I KNEW YOU WOULD.

FOR EXAMPLE.

YOU CAN'T GO AS MADONNA--

"TWERKING GRANNY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU CAN'T GO AS MARK ZUCKERBERG

-- "FRIENDLESS MAYONNAISE BOY."

YOU CAN'T BUY A LINDSEY GRAHAM

COSTUME-- "GAY GHOST."

YOU CAN GO AS THAT.

YOU CAN'T BUY A AMBER HEARD

COSTUME, BUT "SEXY BED POOPER."

THEY WILL SELL YOU THAT.

LINDSAY CLANCY, BAD TASTE BUT I

GET IT, BUT YOU CAN GO AS

"MOODY NEW MOTHER."

YOU CAN'T BUY A KID ROCK, BUT

YOU CAN GO AS "BUD LIGHT

MARKSMAN."

MITCH McCONNELL, CAN'T GET

THAT COSTUME.

"BUFFERING LEGISLATOR."

YES.

YOU CAN'T BUY A BRITNEY SPEARS

BUT "KNIFE-JUGGLING MOM."

YES, THEY HAVE THAT.

YOU CAN'T GET PRINCE HARRY BUT

YOU CAN GO AS "GINGER FUCKFACE."

OKAY, SO.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BIGGER

ISSUE OF MAKING AMERICA GREAT

BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE WHEN THE

PARTY THAT YOU'RE IN IS NOT IN

THE WHITE HOUSE, AMERICA IS

TOTAL SHIT.

AND THEN NOTHING REALLY CHANGES

THAT MUCH SOMETIMES IN YOUR LIFE

BUT SOMEHOW IN YOUR MIND THE

WORLD IS JUST TERRIBLE WHEN YOUR

PARTY IS OUT OF POWER.

WIRE JUST DID A STORY ABOUT

EXPATS, PEOPLE WHO JUST HAD

ENOUGH WITH THIS COUNTRY AND

THEY COULD NOT STAND IT ONE MORE

DAY WHEN TRUMP GOT ELECTED.

REMEMBER WHEN ALLEN MOVED

BRIEFLY?

THEN THEY HAVE BUYER'S REMORSE.

71% OF THE EXPATS SAID THEY LEFT

BECAUSE OF THE POLITICAL

CLIMATE" BUT WHAT THEY FOUND

WITH EXPATS IS BUYER'S

REMORSE.

THEY FOUND THAT IT REALLY WAS

NOT PARADISE OVER THERE AND THE

THINGS WE TAKE FOR GRANTED.

LIKE AIR CONDITIONING?

LIKE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE

DIED IN EUROPE THIS SUMMER

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE AIR

CONDITIONING.

THINGS LIKE DISHWASHERS WHICH WE

TAKE FOR GRANTED ARE KIND OF A

LUXURY OVER THERE.

WE SAW THIS WHEN WE HAD THE

SOCCER HERE REMEMBER IN THE

SUMMER AND ALL THE PEOPLE FROM

ALL OVER THE WORLD.

ALL OVER THE WORLD PEOPLE WERE

COMING AND LIKE LOSING THEIR

SHIT OVER OUR PIZZA.

SO YOU KNOW, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT

THIS?

ABOUT CONVINCING PEOPLE TO NOT

HAVE THIS COGNITIVE DISSONANCE

BETWEEN YOUR ACTUAL LIFE AND

WHAT THE WORLD IS IN YOUR MIND

WHEN THE WRONG PARTY IS IN

POWER?

>> DON'T LOOK AT YOUR SCREEN.

THE TRUTH IS THIS IS MY BELIEF

ABOUT THE COUNTRY.

WHY I AM LONG TERM VERY

OPTIMISTIC.

IF YOU LOOK AT YOUR SCREEN OR

WATCH TV YOU WOULD THINK

EVERYBODY IS BATSHIT BATSHIT

CRAZY.

WHY?

BECAUSE THE ALGORITHMS ELEVATE

THE PEOPLE WHO SAY THE NUTTIEST

CRAZIEST WACKIEST THINGS.

THAT'S NOT THE COUNTRY.

THE COUNTRY IS LIKE 80% NORMAL.

THEY GO TO CHURCH THEY GO TO

LITTLE LEAGUE, THEY RAISE THEIR

KIDS, THEY'RE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO

DO THE RIGHT THING FOR THE RIGHT

REASONS AND THEY JUST DON'T SHOW

UP IN POLITICS.

THEY DON'T SHOW UP IN THEIR

SOCIAL MEDIA FEED, BUT IF YOU

LOOK THROUGHOUT HISTORY IN THE

COUNTRY THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO

REPAIR IT WHEN THE SMARTY PANTS

BREAK IT.

I DO THINK THAT'LL HAPPEN AGAIN.

I THINK THERE'S HAPPENING IN

POLITICS RIGHT NOW WHERE PEOPLE

JUST HAD IT.

THEY FEEL LIKE THEY KEEP BEING

TOLD THEY'RE GOING TO GET ONE

THING AND THEY GET SOMETHING

DIFFERENT.

AND THEY FEEL IT ABOUT BOTH

PARTIES.

YOU SEE THIS RISE IN PEOPLE WHO

DON'T WANT TO AFFILIATE WITH

EITHER PARTY.

THEY'VE JUST HAD IT AND THEY'VE

HAD IT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO LIVE

A NORMAL LIFE.

THEY WANT PEOPLE WHO CAN

CRITIQUE THE COUNTRY BUT LOVE

THE COUNTRY.

LIKE HOW THE HELL-- I THINK

ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME.

WHAT A GREAT COUNTRY.

I GREW UP IN OSHKOSH, WISCONSIN.

YOU GREW UP IN MICHIGAN.

WE ARE ABLE TO DO WHATEVER WE

WANT TO DO.

I WAS ABLE TO START COMPANIES,

MAKE MONEY, INTERVIEW PRESIDENTS

COME AND SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT,

NOT GO TO JAIL FOR DOING IT AND

WHAT OTHER COUNTRY CAN YOU DO

THAT?

>> Bill: THAT IS NOT WHAT A

LOT OF THE YOUNG LEFT THINKS.

>> NO, IT'S CRAZY.

>> Bill: THEY THINK WE NEED A

REVOLUTION.

THEY THINK THINGS ARE SO BAD--

I MEAN SITTING HOME, LETTING

PEOPLE BRING YOUR FOOD TO YOU.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PICK UP

YOUR PHONE AND HIT A FEW

BUTTONS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE THEM.

>> I THINK YOU'RE SPOT ON.

I THINK IT HAS A LOT TO DO WITH

THIS DEGREE IN.

ESPECIALLY SOCIAL MEDIA.

ESPECIALLY WITH YOUNG CHILDREN.

MY GRANDDAUGHTER.

IF YOU SCROLL ON THIS THING AND

IT STARTS FEEDING YOU THE

ALGORITHMS.

LIKE THIS IS NOT REAL.

NONE OF THIS IS REAL.

GIRLS LIVES COME ESPECIALLY IF

THEY'RE YOUNG ARE NOT THIS

GREAT.

THEY GET IN TROUBLE TOO.

THEY HAVE TO DO THEIR CHORES,

CLEAN UP THE DOG POOP OR

SOMETHING, I THINK THE OTHER

POINT IS LIKE DEMOCRATS NEVER

SCARE ME.

I THINK DIFFERENTLY.

I SUPPORT CONSERVATIVE VALUES.

ESPECIALLY FISCALLY.

WE ARE SOCIALLY LIBERAL.

BUT DEMOCRATS NEVER SCARED ME

BEING IN OFFICE AND UNTIL

RECENTLY WHEN ALL THE CRAZY

STUFF HAS POPPED UP.

I THINK BILL CLINTON LOVES THE

COUNTRY.

YOU KNOW I BELIEVE EVERYBODY--

NOW THE WHACK JOBS ARE COMING IN

LIKE WAIT A MINUTE EVEN IF THEY

DON'T HATE THE COUNTRY AS A

WHOLE THEY HATE A BIG PORTION OF

IT.

THEY ARE SPEWING THIS AND I

BELIEVE OUR TEACHERS HAVE BEEN A

BIG PROBLEM.

INDOCTRINATING THESE KIDS FOR A

LONG TIME NOW.

WE'RE STARTING TO SEE THE

FRUITION BEING RAISED UP BY THE

VICTIM AND EVERYTHING'S BAD AND

AMERICA IS JUST A BIG RACIST

PIECE OF SHIT COUNTRY.

BAD, BAD AMERICA AND WE ARE NOT

CELEBRATING WHAT MAKES US GREAT

WHICH ALL OF US BEING DIFFERENT

AND BEING TOGETHER.

BEING THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN

THE WORLD.

[APPLAUSE]

>> AND THAT'S A REAL PROBLEM.

IT'S MORE IN GENERAL LIKE WHAT

YOU'RE TAUGHT.

THE ENVIRONMENT, THE BUBBLE THAT

YOU'RE IN.

NOBODY'S APPRECIATING THE FACT

THAT TAKE ARTIFICIAL

INTELLIGENCE.

HERE, NOT CHINA.

CHINA IS FIVE TIMES OUR SIZE.

THEY'D LOVE TO HAVE THE

TECHNOLOGY.

WHY IS EVERY NEW INTERESTING

TECHNOLOGY CREATED HERE.

WHY DESPITE THE POLITICAL CROWD

YOU HAVE THE FASTEST GROWING AND

LARGEST ECONOMY?

WHY IS IT THAT EVERY COUNTRY IN

TROUBLE COMES TO US LOOKING FOR

HELP?

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE THERE'S

SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT THE

COUNTRY THAT 250 YEARS IN WE GET

A LOT MORE RIGHT THAN WRONG.

THERE IS THIS THING ABOUT OUR

BRAIN AND ABOUT THE MEDIA IN

GENERAL WHICH IS THIS NEGATIVITY

BIAS.

WE AMPLIFY BAD CRAFT.

WE DON'T SPEND ENOUGH TIME YEAH

WE DO BAD THINGS AND SOME PEOPLE

HAVE A BAD LOT IN LIFE.

FOR THE MOST PART WE ALWAYS DO

THE RIGHT THING EVENTUALLY.

WE MIGHT SCREW THINGS UP.

>> Bill: AND WE ACCENT THE

NEGATIVE.

I NOTICE A LOT OF THE

COMPLAINING ABOUT THE ECONOMY IS

THE MIDDLE CLASS HAS SHRUNK.

IT HAS.

McCARTHY NEVER MENTIONED IS

ONE REASON IT HAS IS BECAUSE THE

UPPER MIDDLE CLASS.

NOT THE SUPER RICH BUT THE UPPER

MIDDLE CLASS.

PEOPLE WHO CAN AFFORD FUCKING

DISNEYLAND AND TAYLOR SWIFT

TICKETS.

HAS GROWN ENORMOUSLY.

>> BUT NOBODY KNOWS IT.

WHAT YOU SAID IS A TRUE FACT

THAT THE REASON PEOPLE-- THAT

YOU HAVE FEWER PEOPLE IN THE

MIDDLE CLASS IS THEY'RE GETTING

RICHER AND THAT'S SOMETHING WE

CAN CELEBRATE.

>> Bill: AND THAT DOESN'T MEAN

THERE AREN'T PEOPLE WHO ARE LEFT

BEHIND--

>> WHAT ABOUT THE CORPORATIONS

THOUGH?

WHAT THEY DO WHICH WE SAW DURING

COVID.

THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE THEIR

MONEY ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

ONE DAY I SAT DOWN AND ATE A

WHOLE BAG OF POTATO CHIPS.

I ATE A WHOLE FREAKING BAG OF

POTATO CHIPS.

I WAS IN DRINKING OR NOTHING.

AND I DID A LITTLE RESEARCH AND

I'M LIKE THE CORE OF THE

IVY LEAGUE SCHOLARS WHO WORKED

FOR THE CORPORATIONS FOR

COCA-COLA.

THEY DON'T KNOW I'M MAKING

COCA-COLA.

THE THING IS TO SCREW WITH THE

CONSUMER.

THEY'RE PUTTING LESS IN THERE

AND SELLING IT AT THE SAME PRICE

TRYING TO MAKE THE MONEY BACK

FROM COVID.

I THINK THIS HAS A LOT TO DO

WITH THE FACT OF MIDDLE CLASS

PEOPLE ARE THE ONES BUYING THE

BULK OF THE PRODUCTS.

I COULD BE WRONG BUT THAT'S JUST

WHAT I KNOW HERE.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY KNOWS

BUT I AM NOT A SCHOLAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M IN A BAND.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT THE HELL I'M

DOING HERE.

>> Bill: YOU'RE MAKING US

LAUGH.

THIS IS A ENTERTAINMENT SHOW ON

A ENTERTAINMENT NETWORK.

WE ARE VERY GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

YOUR PERFECT GUEST FOR HALLO

HALLOWEEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU'RE MY FRIEND.

YOU SEEM VERY HIGH ON AI.

MUCH MORE THAN I AM.

YOU SEEM TO BE IN THE CAMP THAT

WE ARE WORRYING ABOUT THIS A

LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH?

>> NO.

I'M IN THE CAMP OF LIKE FULL

DISCLOSURE I MADE MYSELF A AI

LAB RAT.

I PULLED WAY MORE INTO THE

TECHNOLOGY MORE THAN ANYBODY

SHOULD BUT I WANT TO DO IT

BECAUSE I WANT TO LEAD MY

COMPANY AND TALK TO READERS

ABOUT IT.

ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS SOMEONE

WHO USES IT WE ARE GOING TO GO

THROUGH MORE CHANGE IN THE NEXT

18 MONTHS THAN WE HAVE IN THE

LAST 20 YEARS.

MY VIEW IS I'M A PRAGMATIST.

IF I HAVE TO RUN A COUNTRY AND

TEACH MY KIDS.

THIS TECHNOLOGY IS COMING.

BERNIE SANDERS IS WRONG.

YOU CAN'T UNPLUG IT AND PUT IT

BACK IN THE BOTTLE.

WHAT I WANT--

>> Bill: NO BUT YOU CAN

REGULATE IT.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO

REGULATE IT.

[APPLAUSE]

>> Bill: BUT THEY'RE NOT DOING

THAT.

>> THEY'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT

NOW.

THEY MADE THE CHOICE THEY'RE NOT

GOING TO REGULATE IT AT ALL.

THEY WILL BECAUSE SOMETHING BAD

WILL HAPPEN AND THEN PEOPLE WILL

BE PISSED AND YOU HAVE TO

REGULATE IT BUT MY THING IS

PEOPLE NEED TO USE IT.

THEY NEED TO BE AWARE BECAUSE

THIS IS A TECHNOLOGY THAT'S

ALWAYS SEEPED INTO EVERY

INDUSTRY, BUSINESS, PHONE

SCREEN, HOME--

>> Bill:

♪

YOU MUST HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT

THIS.

THEY CAN PUT OUT A KID ROCK SONG

NOW THAT'S ALMOST

INDISTINGUISHABLE.

>> THAT'S TO BE DETERMINED BUT

YOU KNOW.

WHO KNOWS WHERE THAT EAGLE

LANDS.

I'M NOT SURE.

I CAN SHOW YOU HOW THE PROS DO

IT HERE AND DO A SHAMELESS PLUG

BUT ALSO BE VERY POIGNANT IN THE

TERMS OF AI MUSIC OF MY NEW

ALBUM.

A SONG CALLED SEVEN SINS.

I WANTED A CHOIR ON.

I DID THIS IN THE BODY OF THE

SONG THREE YEARS AGO BEFORE AI

WAS IN THERE.

SO HOW I MADE THE CHOIR IS I HAD

MY TWO FEMALE SINGERS.

ONE MALE BACKGROUND SINGER.

WE KEPT STACKING THE PART.

SWITCHING HARMONY NOTES, DOING

DOUBLE TAKES, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

WHETHER YOU LIKE MY MUSIC OR NOT

IF YOU LISTEN TO THIS YOU THINK

THE CHOIR SOUNDS GREAT.

>> Bill: IT DOES.

>> ANOTHER SONG ON THERE HEAL MY

FAITH WHICH I DID WITH PHIL

NEVILLE.

THANK YOU.

I SING THAT HOOK MYSELF.

I DID THE HARMONIES MYSELF.

MY SINGERS WEREN'T AROUND.

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY OF

GETTING A CHOIR BUT EVERYTHING I

LOOK AT LIFE NOW IS TIME.

HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE?

I CAN SAVE TIME.

SO I GO INTO AI, I PROMPT THE

HARMONY NOTES, I PROMPT THE LEAD

CHOIR, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

I HAVE TO DO THIS SEVERAL TIMES

AND I PUT IT TOGETHER.

I LOVE THAT.

SO THE CHOIR IN THERE IS AI.

>> Bill: SO BASICALLY CHOIRS

ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE IN A CHOIR

AND WE PUT THEM ALL OUT OF WORK.

ISN'T THAT REALLY WHAT HAPPENED?

>> IS THIS A LOT OF WORK?

>> Bill: YEAH BECAUSE YOU

DIDN'T GET A CHOIR IN THERE.

>> DID WE PUT DRUMMERS OUT OF

WORK WHEN WE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DID WE PUT DRUMMERS OUT OF WORK.

DO WE PUT DRUMMERS OUT OF WORK

WHEN THE DRUM MACHINE WAS

INVENTED?

>> Bill: YEAH.

>> I KNOW AI IS SOMETHING

DIFFERENT BUT I JUST HAVEN'T

SEEN THIS SHIT.

IT'S A TOOL RIGHT NOW.

I SEE THE DANGERS OF IT.

I'M 1000% BELIEVE IT NEEDS TO BE

REGULATED AT THE HIGHEST LEVELS.

BUT I TELL YOU MY FRIENDS LIKE

YOU CAN BUILD A HOUSE WITH A

ROCK, POUND NAILS IN WITH A ROCK

OR SWING THE HAMMER.

THEY'VE GOT A NAIL GUN NOW.

IT COULD SAVE YOU SOME TIME.

UNTIL SOMETHING GOES ON, IT

TELLS ME OTHERWISE I'M GOING TO

USE IT AS A TOOL--

>> Bill: THE RECORD SOUNDS

GREAT.

THE LYRICS I DON'T AGREE WITH

BUT THAT'S OKAY.

I DON'T HAVE TO ALWAYS AGREE.

>> IT'S ABOUT JESUS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Bill: ALL I CAN THINK OF MY

SWEET LORD, BY GEORGE HARRISON

ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS OF ALL

TIME AND I NEVER THOUGHT HE WAS

MY SWEET LORD.

ALL RIGHT BEARD.

>> THANK GOD WE CAN HAVE A

COUNTRY WHERE WE CAN HAVE ALL

THESE RELIGIOUS BELIEFS.

>> Bill: ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

TIME FOR "NEW RULES."

OKAY.

NEW RULE: NOW THAT VIRGINIA'S

TERRY WARD HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR

TAPING HIS WIFE TO A CHAIR IN

THE BASEMENT SO HE COULD WATCH

THE FOOTBALL GAME IN PEACE, HE

HAS TO ANSWER THE TWO QUESTIONS

ON EVERY MARRIED MAN'S MIND:

ONE, DO YOU HAVE A GOFUNDME?

AND TWO, HOW'D YOU FIND THE TAPE

WITHOUT HER HELP?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NEW RULE: ALL THE WOMEN WHO'VE

EVER GOTTEN MAD AT A HUSBAND OR

BOYFRIEND AND CALLED HIM A

NEANDERTHAL MUST ADMIT THAT WHEN

THEY SAW THIS HEADLINE:

"SCIENTISTS JUST DISCOVERED THAT

NEANDERTHALS LOVED EATING

BEAVER," THEY RECONSIDERED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NEW RULE: McDONALD'S MUST TELL

US ONCE AND FOR ALL WHAT'S UP

WITH THE McRIB.

IT COMES, IT GOES, IT'S IN YOUR

LIFE, THEN IT'S OUT-- McRIB:

IT'S THE DEADBEAT DAD OF

SANDWICHES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS PISSES ME OFF AND I WOULD

NEVER EVEN EAT ONE.

BUT MY FRIENDS DO, AND I DON'T

LIKE THEM BEING McFUCKED WITH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NEW RULE: THE NAIL SALON IN

PORTLAND THAT GAVE A CUSTOMER

HERPES AND SUED FOR THE SAME

THING AGAIN HAS TO LEAN INTO IT,

ESPECIALLY THE "AGAIN" PART.

PEOPLE KNEW IT GAVE YOU HERPES

AND THEY STILL CAME BACK.

PDX NAILS: A SALON SO GOOD THAT

IT'S WORTH THE BLISTERS ON YOUR

ANUS!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NEW RULE: NOW THAT THE PRESIDENT

CONTINUES TO ACCUSE ME OF HAVING

A "LAUGH MACHINE," IT'S TIME I

FESS UP.

HE'S RIGHT.

I DO.

THIS IS IT.

THIS IS THE LAUGH MACHINE.

BY THE WAY, IT'S STATE OF THE

ART.

THE TECHNOLOGY IN THIS THING IS

AMAZING.

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PUSH THIS

BUTTON.

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANKS A LOT, STARLINK!

ALL RIGHT.

AND FINALLY, NEW RULE: THIS

HALLOWEEN, COULD WE GIVE THE

KIDS A BREAK FROM HELICOPTER

PARENTING AND EXCESSIVE

SAFETY-ISM FOR ONE GODDAMN DAY?

I RECENTLY READ THAT SUBURBS ALL

OVER THE COUNTRY ARE IMPOSING

CURFEWS FOR HALLOWEEN NIGHT; MY

HOME STATE IS ONE OF THE WORST:

SOUTH PLAINFIELD, NEW JERSEY,

SAYS KIDS CAN'T "BE IN ANY

PLACE" AFTER SEVEN;

WINSLOW TOWNSHIP SAYS

TRICK-OR-TREATING ENDS AT 5.

5?

IT'S NOT EVEN DARK AT 5.

THIS IS THE SPOOKY DAY!

NOTHING IN YOUR YARD LOOKS SCARY

DURING THE DAY.

WELL, MAYBE A "VIVEK RAMASWAMY

FOR GOVERNOR" LAWN SIGN,

BUT THAT'S IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I KNOW, I KNOW, "BILL, WHY

ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT IT,

YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS!"

YOU'RE RIGHT, I DON'T: THE

ONLY CONTACT I EVER HAVE WITH

KIDS IS WHEN I TRIP ONE WHO'S

RUNNING AROUND IN A RESTAURANT.

NO.

NO, I DON'T HAVE 'EM, BUT I USED

TO BE ONE, BEFORE I GREW OUT OF

IT, AND I REMEMBER HOW MUCH I

LOVED HALLOWEEN: OH, THE FEEL OF

A CHEAP, SHITTY, HARD PLASTIC

MASK ON YOUR FACE, HELD IN PLACE

WITH A CHEAP RUBBERBAND THAT

SNAPPED 10 MINUTES AFTER YOU

LEFT THE HOUSE.

NO, I DON'T HAVE KIDS, BUT

SOMEHOW I STILL KNOW THAT

UNSTRUCTURED OUTDOOR ACTIVITY IS

GOOD: IT SPARKS IMAGINATION,

TEACHES PROBLEM-SOLVING,

PROMOTES FACE-TO-FACE SOCIAL

INTERACTIONS WITH OTHER HUMAN

PEERS.

AND I KNOW THAT ALL CHILDREN

NEED ONE NIGHT A YEAR WHEN THEY

CAN GO FUCKING BATSHIT AND DO

MISCHIEF AND RUN WILD ALL OVER

THE NEIGHBORHOOD WITH THEIR

FRIENDS, RAISING HELL AND PEEING

IN THE BUSHES BECAUSE "THERE'S

NO TIME TO STOP, NO ONE'S GIVING

AWAY CANDY TOMORROW!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SO GRATEFUL I GREW UP IN A

TIME WHEN PARENTS WERE LIKE,

"GO, HAVE YOUR FUN, BE BACK BY

THANKSGIVING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND PICK ME UP SOME SMOKES WHILE

YOU'RE OUT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS RAISED FREE RANGE.

EVERY DAY, I'D COME HOME FROM

SCHOOL, FLY UP TO MY ROOM,

CHANGE CLOTHES, FLY OUT THE

DOOR, AND MY MOTHER NEVER ONCE

SAID "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

WHERE AM I GOING?

KID STUFF, THAT'S WHERE I'M

GOING, WHAT'S IT TO YOU?

NOSY BITCH.

"BUT BILL, IT'S NOT LIKE WHEN WE

WERE KIDS, IT'S MORE DANGEROUS

NOW!

PEOPLE PUT MARIJUANA IN THE

CANDY."

NO, THEY DON'T, NO ONE'S DOING

THAT.

RIGHT, LIKE I'M GOING TO GIVE MY

PRICEY BUD TO YOUR DUMBASS KID.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE CRIME

THESE DAYS?"

WELL, ACTUALLY CRIME IS DOWN,

WAY DOWN, EVERYWHERE.

WE LIVE IN A SURVEILLANCE STATE

WITH A TOUGH-ON-CRIME PRESIDENT

NOW.

THERE AREN'T EVEN SERIAL KILLERS

ANYMORE.

THERE WERE 866 OF THEM OPERATING

IN THE U.S. IN THE 1980s, IT

WAS TERRIBLE.

THEIR VICTIMS COULDN'T ESCAPE,

BECAUSE IT WAS THE '80s AND THEY

WERE ON ROLLER SKATES.

BUT NOW THERE'S LESS THAN 10.

YOU THINK THERE'S A CLOWN WITH

HIS DICK OUT LURKING IN THE

BUSHES?

NO, THE PREDATORS ARE ONLINE

NOW.

THEY DON'T NEED TO RENT A WHITE

VAN ANYMORE.

THEY'RE NOT HIDING IN THE SEWER

WAITING TO SNATCH LITTLE OLIVIA

AND NOAH.

NO ONE WANTS YOUR KIDS.

NOT EVEN YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW THERE ARE, SADLY, STILL

CHILD VICTIMS OF SEX ABUSE, BUT

THAT'S OVERWHELMINGLY NOT FROM A

STRANGER.

93% KNOW THEIR ABUSER:

IT'S NEIGHBORS, COACHES, YOUTH

MINISTERS, SIBLINGS, UNCLES,

STEPPARENTS.

AS THEY SAY IN SCARY HALLOWEEN

MOVIES: THE CALL IS COMING FROM

INSIDE THE HOUSE.

THAT'S THE ENORMOUS IRONY IN ALL

THIS: PARENTS TODAY BELIEVING

THAT OUTSIDE IS THE DANGER ZONE,

AND INSIDE IS WHERE IT'S SAFE.

THAT'S COMPLETELY BACKWARDS.

WITCHES AND GOBLINS AREN'T REAL.

WHAT'S STEALING YOUR KIDS' SOULS

IS THAT LITTLE ELECTRONIC PORTAL

OF ANONYMOUS EVIL THAT'S GLUED

TO THEIR HANDS.

IRAN.

[APPLAUSE]

NO ONE'S PUTTING A RAZOR BLADE

IN AN APPLE.

THE PROBLEM IS APPLE THE

COMPANY.

[APPLAUSE]

THE PROBLEM IS A TEENAGE GIRL

SITTING ALONE IN HER ROOM

WORRYING: AM I A LOSER?

AND THE PHONE TELLING HER: YES,

YES, YOU ARE!

BECAUSE JESSICA'S INSTAGRAM

STORY SHOWS A PARTY YOU WEREN'T

INVITED TO.

THINK YOU'RE FAT?

TUMBLR'S PRO-ANOREXIA FORUMS

WILL CONVINCE YOU: YOU ARE!

AND UGLY?

YEAH, THAT TOO-- I MEAN, DIDN'T

YOU SEE KYLIE JENNER AT THE

VICTORIA'S SECRET FASHION SHOW?

DON'T YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE HER?

HERE'S A D.I.Y. LIP FILLER KIT

THAT ONLY COSTS $39.95.

AND NO, OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT TOO

YOUNG TO HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY!

GET SOME OF THAT, AND THEN YOU

CAN HAVE AN ONLINE BOYFRIEND

WHO'S DEFINITELY NOT A

45-YEAR-OLD MAN IN MILWAUKEE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE CDC SAYS 1 IN 5 YOUNG

ADULTS HAS AN ANXIETY DISORDER

AND THEY DIDN'T GET IT FROM TOO

MUCH PLAYING IN THE PARK.

THEY GOT IT FROM BEING LOCKED IN

AT HOME, UNDER 24-HOUR

SURVEILLANCE FROM SAFETY MOM.

62% OF AMERICAN CHILDREN UP TO

AGE 12 SAY THEY'VE NEVER WALKED

OR BIKED ANYWHERE WITHOUT AN

ADULT.

50% OF PARENTS WON'T LET THEIR

KIDS GO ALONE TO ANOTHER AISLE

IN THE GROCERY STORE.

FOLKS, YOU'RE CHAPERONING THEM

TO DEATH.

HAVING YOUR MOMMY WITH YOU GOING

OUT ON HALLOWEEN IS LIKE HAVING

YOUR WIFE AT YOUR BACHELOR

PARTY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PARENTS IN RECENT YEARS HAVE

EVEN STARTED DOING SOMETHING

CALLED "TRUNK OR TREAT," FOR

HALLOWEEN, WHICH IS JUST AS FUN

AS IT SOUNDS.

IT'S WHERE THE ADULTS DRIVE TO A

PARKING LOT AND THEN PARK THEIR

CARS IN A CIRCLE-- YOU KNOW, IN

CASE INDIANS ATTACK-- AND THEN

THE KIDS COLLECT CANDY FROM THE

OPEN TRUNKS OF PARKED CARS.

BECAUSE WHAT SAYS "FUN" MORE

THAN SCOOPING NECCO WAFERS FROM

A SPARE TIRE WELL?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS STARTED IN CHURCH PARKING

LOTS, SO THE KIDS WOULD FEEL

SAFE AROUND CLERGYMEN.

YEAH, YOU CAN'T LET KIDS GO TO

STRANGE HOUSES!

MY GOD, THE PEOPLE INSIDE COULD

BE PEDOPHILES!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, IF THIS IS WHAT

IT'S COME TO, JUST MOVE

HALLOWEEN TO ZOOM.

OR LOCK THE KIDS IN A SAFE ROOM

AND SLIDE THE CANDY UNDER THE

DOOR.

OR YOU COULD JUST LEAVE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HALLOWEEN ALONE.

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, I'M

TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, I'M JUST

GONNA PUT OFF HAVING A BABY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S OUR SHOW.

I WANNA THANK MY GUESTS

JIM VANDEHEI, KID ROCK, AND

SENATOR TED CRUZ.

CLUB RANDOM DROPS EVERY MONDAY

ON YOUTUBE, OR LISTEN WHEREVER

YOU GET YOUR PODCASTS.

NOW GO WATCH "OVERTIME" ON

YOUTUBE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪

[WOLF HOWLING]