Original subtitles

[triumphant music playing]

[drum beating]

[man] Watch your step! Left, right, left, right, left!

Platoon, halt!

[all] One, two.

-Platoon will advance, right turn. -One, two, three, one.

Platoon, stand at ease. Stand easy.

Now listen to me, the lot of you…

I'm letting you off light today, as it's your first day in the Army,

but don't think I'm satisfied, no! And when I give you the fall out,

don't run away with the idea that this village is a little corner of Montmartre

because it's not!

You'll find plenty the healthy mind needs in the precincts of the camp.

There's a NAFI here. There's a reading room, a games room

where you can enjoy an invigorating game of draughts.

There's a piano there too but the manager keeps it locked up

and only lets the key out to proper pianists.

There's a camp theater

where you can enjoy a wide variety of entertainment from concerts to films,

all of which you will have seen before.

And tonight, I might add,

they've got a special piece of resistance for you,

but I won't divulge it for fear of spoiling your enjoyment.

But, whatever you do with yourselves, remember this,

you've got a real day's work tomorrow,

so don't go getting yourselves over­excited.

All right, platoon, attention!

Now, watch this fall out. Smart turn right, pause of two, three,

and double off the Parade Ground.

Platoon, fall out!

[all] One, two, three. One, two, three.

Go on, double!

[soldiers running]

[trumpet blares]

[orchestra music plays]

[violin music plays]

[audience applauds]

Ah, thank you, and bravo, Miss Qaalthrop, bravo, ladies.

Just hold it one moment, will you, please?

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Many of you,

rather I should say, several of you,

may have met me officiating at last Sunday's Church Service,

my first in this camp.

And no doubt you are wondering what on earth I am doing now in a theatre,

in what I believe was once upon a time known as a resort of vagabonds.

[laughs]

I don't think anyone nowadays

would describe Miss Qualthrop and her gallant little band

in quite those terms.

I use the word "band" of course collectively,

not musically.

Now the fact is that the CO

has put me in charge of the entertainment here

since Major James has been posted to Malaya,

and it is my first and very pleasant duty

to thank Miss Qualthrop and her talented companions

for coming all the way from Wordington here

to entertain us, and I think we ought to show them

in the usual manner that in spite of a lamentably small attendance,

that their journey wasn't, uh… wasted.

Come along, come along now. Curtain, please!

Curtain!

[audience applauds]

Miss Qualthrop? Miss Qualthrop?

They've gone to catch the bus.

Oh…

I'm terribly sorry, ladies and gentlemen,

but it appears that Miss Qualthrop and her instrumentalists

have had to catch the bus.

I am sorry, but apparently there is nothing left for me to do now

but to wish you all a very, very good night.

[audience chuckles]

The camp seems very deserted tonight, Corporal.

It's pay night, sir.

Oh? And where does everyone go on pay night?

I mean, I'm trying to find out the sort of shows

that you fellows would like me to put on.

-I should try the village, sir. -The village?

There are several centers of conviviality there, sir,

if you'll pardon the use of the expression.

What you're trying to tell me, Corporal, is that there are several pubs there.

Precisely, sir, yes. The biggest crowd you'll find in the Rose and Crown.

I'm a non-drinker myself, sir, but I gather the beer there is better,

according to popular report, the barmaids too, sir.

Well, I'd certainly choose the place where the beer is better

not to mention the barmaids. Goodnight, Corporal.

Good night, sir,

♪ If you don't want the walks Don't muck 'em about ♪

♪ And take your baby's fingers Off the slab ♪

♪ They're covered in chocolate Lovely two-eyed kippers ♪

♪ Take 'em for the pippers Take a hake or a nice cod steak ♪

♪ Soles and eels for the old man's meals ♪

♪ They're lovely They're all fresh in today ♪

-Good evening, sir, -[Chaplain] Good evening.

Taking a squint at the opposition, sir?

Well, I'm prepared to support it to the tune of a modest pint.

[chuckles] Good evening.

-Good evening. -Good evening.

-Half a pint, please. -Of what, sir?

-Oh, anything you suggest. -Old and mild?

-Well, mild will do, thank you. -Seven pence it is.

Thanks. [chuckles softly]

-Good evening, staff. -Good evening, sir.

-You seem a bit surprised to see me here. -Yes, sir.

Well, to tell you the truth, I was only wondering

what all you fellows did with your evenings.

-Well, I… -Yes, yes,

I see all right,

but supposing there were no such places as the Rose and Crown,

-where would you be then? -In the Red Lion, sir.

Oh, I can see, Sergeant, you're not going to be a very

profitable source of investigation. Cheers.

Excuse me, I've just seen my batman.

-Excuse me… Hello Walter. -Sir?

I'm surprised to see you here.

I thought at least that you and Jessie would have been at the concert

to support me, in spite of the music.

Jessie and me, she's being a bit difficult.

Oh. [chuckles]

Oh, but nothing serious, I hope?

No, just that someone's been trying to improve her mind.

[chuckles]

But Walter, you must remember

that Jessie is a very intelligent young girl,

naturally, she wants to…

Oh, Walter, you're not insinuating that I've been doing that?

Oh no, no, no, come, come, come.

After all, I've only given Jessie a few good books to read

and advised her to listen to the Third Programme.

There's nothing improper in that, Walter.

You must remember that young Jessie has a very enquiring mind.

She never used to have when she was secretary to Major James.

Yes she had, yes she had, Walter, only it was probably dormant under the Major.

[sighs]

In any case, Walter, I don't see why this should lead you to quarrel.

-Well, it has. -But how, Walter, how?

Well, she wants to know things now.

Oh, I see.

The things presumably that you don't know the answer to.

Things that nobody knows the answer to.

Oh, I'm afraid you're deceiving yourself, Walter.

In this fast moving world, there's always somebody that knows the answer.

Be patient with her, Walter, but everything will be alright.

[barmaid] Time please.

Come on, boys, drink up.

Oh dear, dear, dear, dear.

I came here to find out what sort of shows you fellows would like,

now it seems I'm too late.

They won't kick you out yet, sir.

Walter, in my position, I cannot afford to be kicked out.

I wonder if you'd care to finish this for me?

I don't really like it.

Walter, I want you with the car sharp at seven o'clock tomorrow morning.

-Seven, sir? -Yes, yes.

I'm planning a very full day tomorrow. Goodnight Walter.

Goodnight, sir.

[slow soft music plays]

Now then. Yes, yes, yes.

-Tea won't be one minute, sir. -No time for tea today, Jessie.

We've work to do. Good morning, Jessie.

-Good morning sir. -Get me Major James's theatre file.

-The file with future engagements. -Yes, but the kettle is on the boil.

So am I, Jessie, so am I.

We're going to sweep out the Augean stables, so jump to it, Jessie.

Oh, yes, sir.

Good morning, Jessie.

What are you doing out driving the Padre at this time in the morning?

We've been out since seven.

We'd done the church and the hospital already.

Sorry if I was a bit short last night.

That's okay. If it'll make you happy, I'll read a few books.

A few books won't make any difference, Walter. That's not education.

-Well, what is? -How should I know?

I never had any education.

-Then what are you talking about? -I don't know,

being able to talk like the Padre and people.

Yes, but you're in love with me, not the Padre.

I know.

But being in love isn't everything, Walter.

You know, we might be married for 40 or 50 years

and all we'd be able to do is to talk about things.

We couldn't talk about what they're all about,

because we don't know what they're all about, neither of us.

So we couldn't really discuss anything sensibly.

Now do you understand?

Well, there's quite a few things I do know about.

Of course there are.

There's nothing you don't know about the inside of a car,

but where does that get you?

It gets you wherever you're going.

I don't mean about things like that,

I mean about life and history and everything.

You can't know about things like that unless you read about them.

I could get on encyclopedia and read it through if you like.

Don't be silly, it would take years.

I could get a little encyclopedia, a potted one.

I don't want anything potted except the tea.

You can bring that in.

There you are Jessie. Now, everything in correct order?

Yes, sir.

Too late to do anything about Saturday, I suppose.

What have we?

Lady Dodd's Company of Thespians doing Charley's Aunt.

Well, that looks to me rather jolly.

The last time they were here, they did Quiet Weekend.

-What was it like? -Quiet.

Well, I suppose we must hope for the best

and make a clean sweep after that.

Now, what have we on the ninth, the Mordington Madrigal Society

in an evening of plainsong and canticle.

Yes, well, we'll start on them, I think, while there's time.

What's the number of the secretary?

-Miss Graham. Mordington 69. -Mordington 69.

Hello, Mordington 69, please.

Forgive me asking, sir, but what are you going to put in their place?

Hmm? [chuckles]

Let's clear the decks first, Jessie,

and then we'll talk about plans for the future later.

[door opens]

Hello? Hello, is that Miss Graham of the Madrigals?

Good morning, Miss Graham, my name is Paris.

I'm the new Entertainments Officer at the camp.

[laughs] Yes.

Thank you, very well indeed, and you?

Good, good, good. Well, it's this way Miss Graham.

I've been going over our program for the next few weeks

and you know, I find Major James has rather overweighted us on the vocal side.

Well, I… I do feel that a certain amount of variety

is necessary in these camp entertainments, don't you, Miss Graham?

I don't quite follow you, Miss Graham.

Of course, I shouldn't dream of asking you to do conjuring tricks.

All I was going to suggest, Miss Graham, was a postponement of your canticles.

When? Well, until I ring you Miss Gr…

Miss Graham, please.

-Hello? Hello? -[phone dial beeps]

[sighs]

Well, that was… that was very quickly settled.

Your tea, sir.

Thank you, Jessie. Now then, what have we next?

Let me see now, Thursday, the 14th… oh dear.

Miss Qualthrop again and her strings.

Oh, no, no, no. I do feel that once is enough.

Maxted 74.

Hmm?

No, I think I'll write to her, Jessie.

[gasps]

Lady Dodd is here to see you, sir.

Oh.

That'll be about her program for Saturday.

Show her in, Walter.

Do you know Jessie, I think we should look on the bright side

and have 300 programs duplicated. Hmm?

No? Oh well, 200 at any rate.

Good morning, Captain Paris.

[Chaplain] Ah, Lady Dodd.

I'm frightfully sorry to butt in on you at this hour of the morning,

but I absolutely had to. I don't know how to tell you.

The Thespians have been overtaken by disaster.

Oh, no, please, Lady Dodd, not, not for Saturday?

For Saturday and forever.

There's been a rift in the company. There's…

I don't think I should discuss it in front of this young person.

That's all right, Lady Dodd, I'm his confidential secretary.

Well, you know Mr. Burrows who plays Charley's Aunt?

No, no, no, of course, you don't know him.

But you know Mrs. Phillips who keeps the cake shop in Mordington High Street

and who plays Donna Lucia? Her husband is on the Stock Exchange.

He came home the other evening and found his wife and Mr. Burrows…

Well, I don't think I'll go into details.

Please, please don't, Lady Dodd.

But what on earth are we going to do for Saturday?

Well, we can't play Hamlet without the Prince of Denmark, can we?

But I thought you were doing Charley's Aunt?

That's what I mean. We can't play Charley's Aunt

without Charley's Aunt.

Oh, yes, of course, I understand that, Lady Dodd.

And we'd had new scenery painted and everything. It does seem such a pity.

Of course, I had thought of something you could substitute.

Oh did you, Lady Dodd? For Saturday, I'd do anything.

Well then, I suggest you bring Miss Graham and her Madrigals forward a week.

[Chaplain] Oh.

No, I'm afraid that's out of the question, Lady Dodd, I just cancelled them.

[Dodd] Oh dear, they will be disappointed.

Well, now let me think.

The Reverand Hugh knows the Dickens characters.

A hundred faces under one hat.

Well, that could or could not be entertaining.

I know, but I'm afraid he's away at Torquay.

Then, of course, there's Mrs. Prout.

-Who is Mrs. Prout? -Oh she's brilliantly clever.

She's the wife of George Prout, the artist.

They're both brilliantly clever.

They live down by the river. She writes children's books.

-"Zimbo, the spotted Zebra." -But Lady Dodd,

surely not, not for the troops.

[Dodd chuckles] Oh, I wasn't thinking of her books.

-She has a puppet show -Oh.

In any case, I don't think she could manage it.

She has Professor Mutch the philosopher staying with them.

Professor Mutch of the BBC?

Yes, that's right.

He's in Question Marks every Wednesday on the light.

No matter what they ask, he always knows the answers.

Yes, yes, yes Jessie. But I doubt if he could find the answer to this que…

Question Marks?

What kind of a program is that, Jessie?

It's a sort of, um… a Brains Trust. I thought of sending in a question myself.

A Brains Trust?

Why not, hmm? Why not? Yes indeed, why not?

Jessie, go and tell Walter to get the car again.

-Yes, sir. -Lady Dodd,

I do believe we've found the answer to our troubles.

-Really? -Where do Mr. and Mrs. Prout live?

Riverside Cottage, at the corner of Alum Lane.

Riverside Cottage, at the corner of Alum Lane.

[gentle orchestral music plays]

[Mutch] You see, a picture

or a piece of sculpture is budded off from the artist

and it's only when his work has grown up a bit and becomes a separate entity

that he's fit to give an opinion on it.

Oh, one's constantly coming across George's sort of dogmatism on the BBC

-and even more complicated for him… -Jimmy, you really do reason so clearly.

Oh good gracious, I mean to say, that's my job, that kind of reasoning.

All the same, you know, if you don't mind my saying so,

I sometimes think you intellectualize things a little too much.

Well now.

I suppose I do have a sort of tendency to sublimate emotions and impulses

but into a rationalized and connected intellectual system.

I mean to say, why not?

After all, we have developed rationalizing faculties

and no doubt for some sort of coherent purpose

or at least as part of an intelligible process.

And you know, after all, there is a certain satisfaction

in the exercise of one's more highly developed faculties.

Yes, I suppose so. Yes, I suppose there is a certain satisfaction…

What I need to say isn't there? I mean to say take you and me, for instance.

-Oh. -[Mutch] There you are.

[Chaplain clears throat]

I'm terribly sorry to intrude like this

but I really couldn't help it, you know.

My name is Paris. I'm the Chaplain from the camp.

-How do you do? -How do you do?

Please, please, please, don't be embarrassed

If you forgive my saying so, but it's very, very refreshing these days

to see a couple carrying their courtship into married life.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, it's something that occurs all too rarely.

[chuckles]

Look, I haven't come to pronounce little homilies to you,

I understand you have a Professor Mutch staying with you?

This is Professor Mutch.

Oh… Oh, how do you do, Professor?

Oh, how silly of me, I ought to have recognized you from the BBC.

But you haven't spoken yet, have you? So really, it's quite excusable, isn't it?

[Paris laughs]

And you are?

Mrs. Prout.

Ah, yes, yes, I thought so. And Mr. Prout?

My husband's working in his studio at the moment.

Oh, but how very fortunate.

I mean, because you see, I wanted to catch you together,

all three of you, I mean, of course, naturally.

Then perhaps we'd better go into the studio.

-Thank you, that's very, very kind of you. -I'll lead the way.

Oh.

Very, very pleasant morning, nice and fresh.

[gentle orchestral music]

Fascinating place you have here, Mrs. Prout, and I love artists' studios.

George, I've brought a visitor, the Reverend Paris from the camp.

-Oh blast! -This is my husband George.

Captain Paris wants to see us about something, so I've asked him in.

Please, please don't stop whatever it is you're doing, Mr. Prout.

I know that you artists like to be left alone when you're…

I say, this is a rather ambitious effort you're at, Mr. Prout.

What's it going to be?

It is not going to be, it is.

Oh, oh really?

George thought of calling it "Apotheosis."

Ah. Yes, yes, well, why not?

[Angela] I'm making tea, would you like some?

Oh, well…

Persons of my cloth have a name for being addicts, haven't they?

[both chuckle]

I'll leave you to talk then while I get it.

[Chaplain] Oh thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much.

[Mr. Prout] Well, what can we do for you, Padre?

Well, in a sense, I'm here to pick your brains.

You see, it was only this morning that I learned we had three

such celebrated people in the neighborhood

and as we've been rather badly let down over Saturday's show at the camp,

I thought what a wonderful idea it would be to get up a Brains Trust.

Oh. So that's it.

Professor Mutch here is paid to do that sort of thing on the BBC, you know.

Overpaid, but still…

Yes, I know he Is.

I mean, I know he does it professionally,

but I thought for the troops, you know, it would keep them out of trouble

and get me out of rather a nasty hole.

Yes, I see.

Well, you know, in a way, I wouldn't mind.

But the truth of the matter is, you know, that there's a great deal more

in these "Question and Answer" affairs than meets the eye.

Oh, I do really appreciate that, Professor,

but I thought that with Mr. and Mrs. Prout here to take care of the arts…

-Eh? -And one or two other local lights…

-What local lights? -Well, what…

what meeting would be complete without Lady Dodd?

What meeting would stay awake with her? I think it's a horrible idea.

Oh, I don't know, I suppose in a way it might be possible.

And in 50 other ways impossible.

I've got no brains and Mutch here is practically an imbecile.

[Mr. Prout chuckles]

[Mr .Prout] Oh, he's no worse then his stupider, kinder neighbor

in ordinary conversation.

You wait until you see him before an audience.

-Now, come, come, come, come. -He seems to think all right in a way,

but there's always some sort of technical hitch between his thinking box

and his talking apparatus.

I don't think he's got the faintest idea of what he's saying half of the time.

[Chaplain laughs]

I see our friend here is a bit of a leg puller, hmm?

I've never pulled anyone's leg in my life, why should I?

The trouble with you is you've no faculty for self-criticism.

I was just saying the same thing to Angela.

[scoffs] You were, were you?

-[Mr. Prout] Listen to who's talking. -Hmm?

Well, I don't think that self-criticism is a very common virtue, though, do you?

-Angela! Who said it was a virtue? -What?

Angela! Where is that confounded woman? I want my tea.

At least, I don't want it but I need it.

[Angela] Coming, coming.

You've been a devil of a time!

My dear George, I'm accustomed to your bad manners

but what will Captain Paris think of us?

[Mr. Prout] I know what he thinks of us.

He thinks we're a ready­made brains trust.

-Brains trust? -Well, yes, as a matter of fact,

I only called in to see whether you and Mr. Prout and the Professor here

could help us with a little show at the camp?

Really? I say, it would be fun, wouldn't it?

Isn't it nice of him to ask us, George?

Nice?

Do you realize, sir, that I take the profession of Michelangelo

with some seriousness?

Well, of course, I realize that, Mr. Prout,

but I should have thought that even Michelangelo could bring himself

now and again to answer a civil question or two.

-Bah! -And that's all I'm asking you to do.

You'll persuade him, won't you, Mrs. Prout?

I can't persuade him to do anything, not oven to change his underclothes.

[Mutch] I'll persuade him.

Oh, will you?

Well, I don't know if you'd call it persuasion exactly,

but if I hear him standing on his dignity as an artist,

something will impel me to lick the living daylights out of him.

He could, you know. He used to box for his university

and George is a terrible physical coward.

Well, of course,

if you wish to lay bare the most secret corners of our private lives

to every Tom, Dick and Harry who happens to drops in.

Nonsense, George. The Padre isn't Tom, Dick or Harry.

No, it's William, actually.

And in any case, you said yourself the world would be a better place

if we all told the truth about ourselves.

Oh, let's all take our clothes off, shall we?

Angela, show him your appendix scar, why don't you?

And I've got the most entertaining birth mark…

Oh please, no. Look, I think it's awfully decent of you all to consent

to come along and help us.

The show begins at 1930 hours

and I hope you will all join me in a glass of sherry

in what we laughingly call "The Green Room" at the theatre.

-Say a quarter of an hour earlier? -Just a minute, Captain, just a minute.

I mean, after all, nobody's said yet that…

-They certainly haven't. -No.

And there's something rather important we haven't discussed, not so simple either,

something on which the entire success or failure, for that matter,

of the Brains Trust depends. Who is going to be Question Master?

I mean to say, you see my point, a good Question Master has to be a dictator

but not a tyrant if you follow me,

the iron hand in the velvet glove, you know.

He has to be a diplomat and a disciplinarian.

In fact, he has to be defending counsel, judge and jury all rolled into one.

Now who have you got in mind for that?

Well, as a matter of fact,

I…

[chuckles]

You?

Yes, sir, yes, that's… that's right.

Well, I don't think I'll keep you any longer.

Thank you for a most lovely cup of tea, Mrs. Prout.

I'll come out with you.

Thank you. Goodbye, Professor.

Goodbye everybody. [chuckles nervously]

See you all on Saturday.

[Chaplain] Thank you.

Now look what you've let us in for.

-Me? -Yes, you.

And what did you mean by saying you'd give me a hammering

if I didn't go? Do you know I nearly believed you?

-Oh, well, I mean to say… -Do you remember our first day at school?

When we got to our stinking little cubby hole,

you gave me the thrashing of my life.

I had exactly the same feeling a moment ago.

-It was most unpleasant. -[Professor laughs]

I remember you always were a cocky little blighter.

I probably did you a darn good turn.

[Mr. Prout scoffs]

I spent the rest of the term trying to think of ways of getting rid of you.

Ha-ha! If it comes to that, I'm still thinking of them.

You're invited for a weekend and you stay a couple of weeks.

Oh, well, of course,

-you'll want me to clear out then. -Don't be an ass.

You amuse me and Angela likes you, I can't know why.

Probably because I'm not rude to her in public.

Rude to her in public, me? Good heavens! Talk sense.

Angie and I are terrific pals.

Oh yes, I know that.

I think in the whole circle of our acquaintances,

we're the only happy couple that are legally married.

We're terrific pals. I don't know what I'd do without her,

confound her.

[chuckles]

Look at her now, trying to fascinate the Padre.

[chuckles]

Poor little devil, that's not her line of country.

I think that's why I like her so much. She's so completely unfascinating.

I'd hate to be married to one of these disturbing women,

they're as selfish as the devil and full of tricks.

Angie's is not like that. She's no Helen of Troy and she knows it

and I know it and she knows I know it.

-So we got on like a house on fire. -Oh, you do, do you? I mean, do you?

Well, don't we? You know as well as anyone that we do hang it.

Yes, I suppose you do. Yes, yes of course, yes.

[soldiers chattering]

All right, men, gather round. Come on, wake up now.

Now pay attention. There's a brains trust in the theatre on Saturday

and the Entertainments Officer wants volunteers to send in questions.

Brown, Buckley, Payne, Moore, Stenning,

sit down and write out a question each and remember,

nothing about army regulations, pay, food, personnel, or anything appertaining to,

understand?

Right, now you know your orders. And when you've got your tracts,

you can decide amongst yourselves who's going to send in these questions,

but I want a spontaneous response, you understand?

Otherwise I'll have you all in the company office, got it?

[lighthearted orchestral music]

Good morning, Jessie. I've brought the fatigues.

-The what? -That's what the R.S.M called 'em,

the questions for Saturday.

Put them on his desk and I'll come in and sort them.

There's a flick on at Mordington about motor racing in technicolor.

How about it Saturday?

What, and miss the Brains Trust?

What do you take me for?

As a matter of fact, I'm going to ask a question myself.

-You are? -[Jessie] Mm-hmm.

-Something I want to know. -Can't you look it up?

It's something you can't look up.

I can't think what you want to get mixed up in that kind of thing for.

Because it's very important to me, that's why.

Well, if I was you, I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

Of course, you would, Walter, you don't want to know anything,

even if the world blew up, you wouldn't ask why.

[chuckles]

Arguing again, you two? Dear, dear, dear!

-Walter, I want you on Saturday. -Me, sir?

Yes. I want you to look after the lights and the curtains.

-Do you think you can manage that? -Well, I suppose so, sir.

Good, I thought that would please you. Well, well, well!

What a splendid response!

You know, this shows the enthusiasm for this sort of program.

-Yes, sir. -Do you know, Jessie,

I think we are going to have a very, very diverting evening. Now let me see…

Uh…

"Can the Brains Trust tell us the best way of making homemade gin?"

[chuckles]

Well, I hope we'll do better than that.

By the way, I'm sorry to see that you and Walter still seem to be disagreeing.

Sometimes I wonder if we're really suited to each other.

[Chaplain] Ha, why not?

[chuckles]

That's better. Yes, I…

don't understand it but by jove, it's better.

The way I look at it, sir,

I mean, all Walter can do is talk about what I look like

and his blooming engines and his wireless and that.

I don't think we can have questions about football pools.

Sorry, carry on, Jessie.

That's all very well, sir,

but you know, it's going to wear a bit thin in about 40 or 50 years,

and you've got to have education to understand people.

Which Walter doesn't understand me a bit. He said so himself.

[chuckles]

That's a very good one.

Yes, but Jessie, if you're both of the same level of education…

-Then neither of you are better off. -What's that?

I think people should marry to better themselves,

at least one of them should be better off.

Oh, dear, dear, dear!

That's a very materialistic way of looking at things, Jessie.

What about falling in love?

I don't know so much about that.

Being in love is all very well,

but where's your guarantee you're going to be in love

till death do you part? That's taking a big risk.

Yes, but Jessie,

if a thing's worth doing, it's worth taking a big risk for it.

That's what my father said,

and my mother and me had to whip round the neighbors to pay for his funeral.

Hmm, yes, I know but…

Hello, this is your writing, Jessie.

-I know, it's my question, sir. -What? Oh.

Oh, Jessie.

I think If you don't mind, I'd rather not open it.

-Why not? -Because…

Well, don't you see that if it's a good question and I select it,

well, I might be accused of favoritism,

and if it isn't and I don't, you will just be disappointed.

So please, Jessie, if you don't mind, I'd rather you took it back.

I'm sorry, Jessie, but you do see my position, don't you?

Of course, sir.

[trumpet music plays]

[upbeat music plays]

What on earth is all this? But Jessie, I ordered sherry.

I asked them to a glass of sherry, not to a party.

I know, sir, but everybody doesn't like sherry

so I thought I'd get something of everything.

-It's on sale or return, sir. -Oh, is it?

I suppose that's something. Well, look, Jessie,

put these questions in my table where I'm sitting. Keep them in that order.

And Jessie,

see that everyone has a glass of water in front of them, will you, please?

I've already done that, sir.

Good girl, good girl.

I can't think what he wants this thing up for.

Well, Padre thought something sylvan would be appropriate.

Is this supposed to be sylvan?

It's all we've got. It was done for the WRAC pantomime.

-[bass music plays] -[audience chatter]

It is my very pleasant duty as question master

to introduce to you tonight's brains trust.

Therefore, on my extreme left, no, no, my extreme right…

-Good evening, Padre. -Ah.

I hope you don't mind Brian and Penelope coming along

but Lord Dodd has gone to the pictures

and they would've been so lonely in the house

with only the housekeeper and the parlor maid.

That's perfectly alright, Lady Dodd.

I shan't take them on the stage, of course,

not that they don't understand every word that's said to them.

I am sure they do, Lady Dodd. Can I tempt you to a glass of sherry?

Oh, I don't think I should, do you?

I mean, I want to keep my head clear, don't I?

Oh well, perhaps just a teeny one.

Who else is coming along tonight?

I mean, besides Professor Mutch and Mr. and Mrs. Prout?

Well… I… I've asked Dr. McAdam.

Dear Dr. McAdam. We only have him for the servants now, of course,

but he's such a nice man.

And then of course, Mr. Byres, our Member of Parliament.

Oh dear. But he's Labour, you know.

Yes, I know, but after all, he does represent the constituency.

By three votes after two recounts,

and he wouldn't have got in then

if it hadn't been for that scurrilous campaign he carried on,

suggesting that Sir John's Brewery deliberately watered their beer,

which was too ridiculous, judging from the state of affairs on election night.

Perhaps, that was because most people went on the whisky, my lady.

Now, we must keep all arguments for the platform.

Have a sherry, Mr. Byres. Perhaps you'd prefer beer.

Aye, if there's no champagne.

[laughs]

I'm afraid this is not the House of Commons, Mr. Byres.

[laughing]

Before we start this confounded nonsense, I need a drink.

The Padre said something about a glass of sherry.

I need more than my sherry, I want a large Scotch.

If you and Jimmy had been back from the river at a decent time,

we could have popped into the Red Lion.

[chuckles]

[Chaplain] So I told him he would be able… Ah, Mrs. Prout.

Good evening.

[Chaplain] Good evening, Professor, Mr. Prout.

-No nerves, I hope. -Well…

Of course not. Come along now, I want you to meet your fellow brains.

Lady Dodd, Mr. Byres, Mr. and Mrs. Prout, Professor Mutch.

-How do you do? -Now then, let me see, sherry everybody?

-I'd rather have a Scotch. -What?

Oh. Yes, yes, of course.

This should be an amusing evening and very stimulating for the troops, I feel.

I mean, so many of them haven't been taught to think

clearly or straightly or starkly.

I found that out when Mrs. Weatherby used to take me out to her girls' club.

I mean they simply didn't know what I was talking about

and I am a simple enough soul.

Hmm, yes, you are.

The difficulty is, of course, they don't really speak our language.

Yes, yes, there's that.

-[Chaplain] Mrs. Prout, Professor -Thank you very much, Padre.

Let me see, I do hope Dr. McAdam isn't going to be late.

It's half past seven everybody.

Yes, yes, I'm aware of that, Jessie, what's the house like?

It looks half empty to me.

Half full? Oh, well, that's better than last Tuesday anyway

and I expect there's plenty more to come.

No, I don't think so.

[door slams]

Well, I think we can safely drink to a most successful evening.

-Oh, thank you. -[McAdam] I'm sorry I'm late, Paris.

Got called out the last moment.

I haven't had time to change either, I hope it's all right.

Of course, perfectly all right, the troops won't mind. Come along now, doctor,

-I want you to meet Mrs. Prout and… -How do you do?

Mr. Prout. Lady Dodd and Mr. Byres, you know.

-[Mr. Byres] How do you do? -And Professor Mutch.

-Who? -[Chaplain] Professor Mutch.

We'll do well with the medical questions this evening.

[McAdam] I might have to leave before the end, you know,

I got a confinement.

I can't tell, she might hang on for hours, of course, she might not.

Oh dear, I sincerely hope she does.

-[Chaplain laughs] -[audience clapping]

Oh listen, they're applauding us already, how very nice of them.

I'm afraid that's an indication that they want the show to begin,

so if you finish your drinks, ladies, perhaps we shall take our places.

Will you follow me, Lady Dodd? Thank you.

[audience clapping continues]

Lady Dodd. Right here, Mrs. Prout…

[audience clapping]

-[audience clapping rhythmically] -[chattering]

[clears throat]

[audience imitating coughing]

Now ladles and gentlemen,

it is my very pleasant duty as question master

to introduce to you tonight's Brains Trust.

Now then, on my extreme right without any further ado is Mr. George Prout,

a very celebrated painter of oil paintings.

He is indeed a member of the Royal Institute of Oil Painters,

a very, very distinguished body of men who paint, uh, oil paintings.

So you see, if there are any questions about art,

I am sure that he will be able to deal with them,

especially if they have to do with oil paintings.

Now, next to him I am very happy to be able to tell you is

our old friend Dr. McAdam.

-[audience cheers, claps] -[soldier] Good old doc!

Very distinguished graduate of I believe Edinburgh University?

-[blows pipe] -[chuckles nervously]

Yes, yes, Edinburgh University.

And now, you know, I hardly think there's any need for me to introduce Lady Dodd.

[audience claps]

[chuckles]

Perhaps I'd better spare her blushes and pass on to Mrs. Prout.

You know, I don't know whether to refer to her as Mrs. Prout or Angela Kilpatrick

because as such she is the author of many, many delightful children's books

and is also, I understand, very, very interested in puppets,

and will perhaps someday give us a little show. Will you, Mrs. Prout?

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

[chuckles, stops]

Thank you. Now next to her, I am very happy to be able to tell you

is Professor JFS Mutch

of the University of Skerryvore and the Light Programme.

He is a great expert in mathematics

and is, I understand, one of our best known collectors of postage stamps.

So, you see, if there are any questions about mathematics or postage stamps,

I am sure that he will be able to deal with them.

And lastly, we are very happy to welcome our local Member of Parliament,

Mr. Joe Byres.

[audience cheering]

We have no politics here

and therefore we are very, very happy to have him with us.

And now, lets get down to the business of the evening.

The questions are on anything and everything.

I've just chosen them at random, at least, more or less.

Naturally, we've had to bar questions on politics and religion

and questions showing ill-timed facetiousness.

I mean, we can't really discuss politics and religion

in a mixed gathering of this sort

and of course, the CO won't have smut.

-[audience laughs] -But what's left makes a pretty good lot

and the first is from private JS Dixon.

He asks "What makes cows in a field run after railway trains?"

Well now, let me see, I think we'll…

I think we'll ask Lady Dodd to kick off.

Come along now, Lady Dodd, what makes cows in a field run after railway trains?

Well, now, that is a question I've often wondered myself.

My Aunt was a great friend of Sir James Barrie

and he used to they were running to catch any babies

that might fall out of the windows.

I hardly think it can be that myself,

though, mind you, cows are frightfully intelligent animals.

Ah, thank you, Lady Dodd, thank you very much. Professor?

Well, I mean to say…

are we entitled to suppose that they have in point of fact

any reason for running after trains at all? If you follow me.

Oh, they must have, they must have!

Yes, they, well, I don't know…

I mean, after all, when one talks about reason,

one's plunging head over heels into the psychological aspect,

and I mean, after all, have cows a psychological aspect?

[Mutch chuckles]

[Mutch] I mean to say, we don't know enough about it.

It may be a simple enough problem in biophysics,

but we just don't know, now do we?

You see my point?

[Mutch chuckles]

Yes, oh yes, yes, yes, of course! Of course, thank you, Professor.

Oh, and Mr. Byres.

They get excited by the clatter.

You don't see cows running in a field where a lot of trains pass,

they get used to it.

Yes, thank you. Thank you, Mr. Byres. Mrs. Prout?

I agree with Mr. Byres.

I think any kind of vague tumult is exciting.

I think they run after the trains because they like the monotony to be broken.

Cows lead very monotonous lives, remember.

I don't agree.

Most human beings

have far more monotonous lives than cows, and the one thing they hate

is having the monotony broken. Anyhow, cows don't run after trains.

Oh, yes they do, George.

No they don't.

Anyhow, cows are females.

What's the good of worrying why they do anything on the living earth?

-[audience laughs, claps] Here, here! -Now, now, order, order.

Now let me see, Dr. McAdam, perhaps you will sum up.

What? Well, what was the question?

[chuckles]

Why do cows run after railway trains?

I haven't the slightest idea.

[all laugh]

Well now, I think we've had very varied and satisfactory answers

to that most interesting question,

and I think the Trust has decided that it would be unwise

to go too far into the cow's motives.

Well, now the next question is a very interesting one.

It's from… from 857643, Lance Corporal Jenks W.

of the Royal Military Police.

[audience boos]

He wants to know "Is civilization in the opinion of the Brains Trust, a failure?

And what is civilization anyway?"

Well, we ought to get some good answers to that, eh? Uh… Mrs. Prout?

We'd better answer the second part first, hadn't we?

Yes, just as you wish. "What is civilization anyway?"

Civilization surely is the application of knowledge and experience

to the good of the greatest number of people.

Oh, is it?

You count a certain number of fatheads

and then try how far whatever you've got to go round.

That's not civilization.

You can have civilization if you've got half a dozen sensible men

and a thousand million mugs.

But the mugs have no part in it.

Oh, they haven't, haven't they? Well, it's high time they had.

Now, now, I'm afraid we're getting perilously near politics.

Look, perhaps Lady Dodd can tell us

whether she thinks that civilization is a failure.

Oh, I don't think it's a failure at all. Look at us, look at the Romans,

look at the way they treated animals and Christians.

[Chaplain] Thank you, thank you, Lady Dodd.

Well now, I think that more or less covers…

Covers… Oh, you wish to say something, Professor?

Well, well…

I suppose I should say something about it as it is a matter

I have given a very great deal of thought to.

[Mutch mutters]

I mean to say, we must start. I mean this is important, I mean to say.

We must start by having absolutely clear ideas

about what we mean by what we are talking about.

I mean to say, you see,

it's not as though there's only been one civilization in the world,

there have been dozens and dozens. It's hopeless.

[Mutch chuckles, inhales]

Oh, I could go on about this all night but perhaps I'd better not.

Oh, no, no, perhaps, perhaps not, Professor,

but thank you, thank you all the same. Mr. Byres,

but no politics, mind.

What do you think of civilization?

I don't think much of it.

[laughing]

Well, that's very much the point, anyway.

Now, I think I can say that the Brains Trust is of the opinion

that there is a great deal to be said for civilization,

and that there is life in the old dog yet.

-And now we'll pass on… -[Byres] At the same time, I must say

that a civilization that is built from top to bottom

on humbug class privilege and the profit motive

is about as fancy a piece of jerrybuilding as ever I heard of.

The whole jingbang will come down with a clatter one of these days,

-you'll see. -Quite, quite, quite, Mr. Byres.

-And now we'll pass on to… -I agree with every word you say.

-Eh? -Every beautiful device we human beings

have invented to keep the gorillas and yahoos in order will be destroyed.

What do you mean by gorillas and yahoos?

Your sacred proletariat.

-[Chaplain gasps] -[Byres] Well, I am blowed.

Who do you think you are, anyway?

The Chairman here says you make your living painting pictures.

Well, my little girl of twelve paints pictures,

but if I catch her putting on airs because she can put down on paper

something that looks like a horse or a chrysanthemum,

I'd give her the thrashing of her life!

[banging gavel]

Please, please, Mr. Byres, we must get on with the next question.

I never met a Labour politician

who could do anything but bluster and rant.

Is that so?

Well, if you're asking for home truths, you'll get them.

And if you're asking for a punch on the nose, you'll got that too.

Go on Joe, show 'em what you're made of!

Please, Mr. Byres, and please, you too, Mr. Prout, you're both out of order

if you don't mind my saying so, gentlemen.

-Well, I demand an apology. -Surely not, Mr. Byres…

Very well, I apologize.

Well, I accept your apology.

[Chaplain chuckles nervously]

Well, well, that is very nice, that's very nice indeed.

[Chaplain laughs]

Well now, we really can get on to the next question.

It's a most interesting one too. It's from Bombardier Benskin,

and Bombardier Benskin wants to know whether there is any evidence

for the belief that living creatures exist on the moon's surface?

-On the what? -On the surface of the moon.

Well, Professor, I think we'll ask you to answer this one.

Come along now, is there any evidence of life on the surface of the moon?

No!

-I beg your pardon? -No.

Oh, but… No evidence whatever?

-No. -None at all?

That seems very peculiar to me.

Yes, well, well… I am sorry, Bombardier Benskin,

but I'm afraid we just got to take it that there is no evidence of life

on the surface of the moon. Pity, though, pity.

Now we'll get on to the next question.

It's from… Private… Private…

Oh dear, it looks like Hezekiah. It can't be, it's… just a minute,

it's Private JB…

Killigrew.

What… what was that?

Killigrew, Jessie Killigrew.

[audience murmurs]

Oh, oh, it's you, Jessie. Oh… Oh, that's…

yes, that's very Interesting.

Well now, Private Jessie Killigrew wants to know,

uh…

Oh dear, dear,

what on earth happened to your writing, Jessie?

It looks like marshmallow but it can't be.

Is marriage a good idea?

What, what, what, what?

That's the question.

Is marriage a good idea and if it is,

what's the best way to choose a partner?

Oh…

and I thought it was marshmallow.

[chuckles]

Oh well, now then, Private Jessie Killigrew wants to know

whether in the opinion of the Brains Trust, marriage is a good idea.

Come along now, Lady Dodd.

Oh I think, it's an excellent idea.

I think that apart from kindness to animals,

it's one of the best ideas in the world, except Christianity, of course,

and then, that takes it all in, doesn't it?

I mean they wouldn't let us get married in church, would they

unless they thought it was a wonderful idea?

Thank you Lady Dodd.

Well now, Dr. McAdam, you've been very silent.

What do you think about it?

Hmm? Oh, I am sorry, I didn't quite catch the question.

Oh, excuse me, Lady Dodd.

Is marriage a good idea?

I don't know whether it's a good idea or a bad idea,

but it's an inevitable idea.

Mind you, it's a contract very few sane people enter into.

Oh doctor, what a dreadful thing to say.

What was that?

I said "What an awful thing to say."

Well, it's quite true. I mean,

if falling In love isn't going mad, then I've never seen a lunatic.

[both laugh]

Well then, how do you account for the fact

that there are hundreds and thousands of happy marriages?

Anyone can get on with anybody if he tries hard enough.

Well, if it's as easy as that, why didn't you get married then, eh?

Because I never went mad.

[audience laughs]

Thank you, Dr. McAdam.

[both laugh]

Mrs. Prout.

I must have been mad when I married.

Well, that's a nice thing to say in public.

Oh please, never mind about the public.

Jessie, really, this is rather much of a good thing!

But I want to know.

-And so do I. -Me too.

[Jessie] Yes, yes, there's lots more here who want to know.

But you've got to be honest, and you've got to be human, see?

Because if you're not with all you know about the world and everything, well,

we won't learn a thing.

[audience cheers, applauds]

-Jess-- -It's all right, I'll do my best.

I remember when I first met George,

the only thing I thought about him was that I didn't think his finger nails

were very clean and he hadn't shaved properly.

To be perfectly candid,

I didn't think you were much to look at either.

You had a way of flinching whenever you said anything.

I remember noticing a rather peculiar and distinctly unpleasant smell.

It's rather difficult to describe.

I don't think you need attempt to describe it here, Mrs. Prout.

Well, it wasn't a religious smell, it wasn't a political smell,

there was some turpentine and some stale tobacco,

perhaps that's why I flinched. I was out with my puppy,

I remember, and he suddenly started to bite Mr. Prout's shoes.

-That's how we got to know each other. -The darling.

-What sort of a puppy? -He was an Aberdeen terrier.

Oh, there's no love like a dog's love, is there?

He was a filthy little brute called Sambo.

I didn't like him any better at first sight than I liked his mistress.

She looked liked a bit of damp seaweed and she had a cold in the head.

Perhaps it is true to say I wasn't looking my best.

However you looked, it wouldn't have made any difference.

We both behaved in an idiotic way for months afterwards.

-Years. -And why?

Because we were carrying about with each other

a microscopic piece of matter that could neither read, nor write,

nor hear, nor speak, nor think.

It had nothing but a will.

But somehow or other, that will was able to call out to its neighbor and say,

"Hi, let's get together and grow into a thing,

which is a perfectly arranged mixture of Angela and George."

"Right" says the other will.

"The first thing to do is to make them both mad.

He's a scruffy looking devil with a face like a gargoyle.

She's a long lanky creature with a sniveling cold in the head.

Let's make him think she's Venus and make her think he's Apollo.

Otherwise they'll never be such darned fools

as to chain themselves together for the rest of their lives."

-The doctor is quite right. -Eh?

I said you were quite right.

Well, right about what? I didn't hear what you said.

What I said was…

Please, please Mr. Prout, not… not again.

But what I want to know…

-Jessie! -All the same,

I don't think I was so frightful as all that!

-Oh yes you were. -Nonsense!

[audience mutters]

-What's that? -Oh, well…

Mr. Prout, is that only what you think of her now

or did you think that then?

I really, really must put a stop to all this.

But why, why? I think it's fascinating.

[Jessie] Don't you want us to learn something?

I thought that's what Brains Trust was for,

to teach us something, and we've only just begun.

We've seen two people who can get hooked up for life to each other

but without knowing the least what they're after.

Oh, it doesn't always work out like that.

I think my husband knew perfectly well what he was after when he married me.

[Jessie] Anyhow, that's how it happened once,

I want to know what happens next, do they live happy ever after?

No one lives happy ever after but they get on all right.

-Well… -[Mr. Prout] What do you mean "well"?

Oh, I admit we have our ups and downs,

but personally, I think we made a darn good arrangement.

I'm sometimes a bit unreasonable, Angela's never anything else,

but it doesn't take long to find a modus vivendi.

-A what? -[Mr. Prout] A way of living.

Oh, but is it the best way of living?

No, by heaven, it isn't!

-What did he say? -I said it isn't.

It's all very well for George.

He's got somebody to look after his laundry and do his cooking,

listen to his ravings and tell him he's wonderful,

but where in the name of fortune does Angela come into it?

She's got a far better brain than he has

and she's got qualities to make something of herself,

and she's got something else that you haven't got,

decent manners and a capacity for hard work.

And what she's expected to do? Stand aside like a conjurer's assistant,

waving a handker­chief and shouting "voilà!"

while you pull a mangy rabbit out of your hat. It makes me sick!

Yes, but how did it work out that way?

I'll tell you. I'll tell you all right.

It's pure undiluted, unadulterated--

Stop!

Stop. Sit down, please, Professor.

[audience murmurs]

Ladies and gentlemen, it is possibly a little early to have an interval,

though I must say I think it's high time.

Coffee and soft drinks will be served in the canteen bar.

We hope to resume in about ten minutes

when I sincerely trust things will have come back to normal.

Curtain, Walter. Thank you, thank you.

-[audience chattering] -[flute music plays]

Look, everybody.

I don't propose to hold an inquest over what has just happened,

nor do I wish to censor anyone,

all the same, I do feel that we… at least some of us,

ought to reflect very, very seriously on what has just happened.

-You've said it. -[Dodd] Yes, indeed.

Well, well, well. A really jolly party.

I say, what was that young woman in the audience saying?

Come and have a drink, Doctor.

Charming youngster, such a friendly smile.

-Help yourself. -Made everything seem so matey.

Here, Jessie.

What'd you want to go and make an exhibition of yourself like that for?

Because I want to find out what happens to people when they get married.

-Yes, but you don't have… -I'm not going to get tied up on spec.

On our street at home, nobody's happily married and I'd like to know why.

You might be living on the wrong street.

Come on, Joe, three pints of bitter.

-You're in a hurry? -I got to get back to the theater,

there's some fun and games there tonight.

Better than all-in wrestling, no kidding!

Wouldn't surprise me to see a fight break out in the second half,

-the way things are shaping. -Go on.

[Dodd giggles]

I'm afraid it's just about time to return, Lady Dodd.

And may I, may I say just once again

that if we all, all of us make a really determined effort

to cooperate and avoid at all costs personal topics,

I am absolutely sure that the whole thing will go swimmingly this time.

-I shall do my best. -Yes, I am quite sure you will, Lady Dodd.

And I'm sure we all shall. Now come along, shall we take our places again? Lady Dodd.

Excuse me, Mr. Byres.

Come along.

[chattering]

What was old Paris talking about?

-Well, he says nothing personal. -Hey?

-Nothing personal. -Oh.

-Alright, Mr. Byres. -Alright.

Lady Dodd, there's… Here it is, look, there's a question here

about the cuckoo.

Still, I think perhaps in the circumstances.

That sounds innocent enough to me.

That may be, Lady Dodd,

but my only concern now is to keep the flag flying until the final curtain.

And I am sure we can all do that. Hmm?

Well, everyone, present and correct and ready for the fray, hmm?

Right Walter, up with the curtain.

Hold it, Walter.

[audience cheers]

Where's Mr. Prout? Mr. Prout, Mr. Prout!

[audience laughing]

There you are Mr. Prout. Oh dear, we thought we'd lost you.

Well, now… Ready? Right, Walter.

[audience applauds]

There seem to be lots more people now than there were at the beginning.

And bad news travels fast.

Well now, ladies and gentlemen,

we've come to the second part of this Brains Trust session.

[audience cheers]

The first part was, I will not say marred,

but perhaps just a little bit disorganized by certain,

oh, shall we call them… eccentricities?

[audience cheers]

I think you'll find that a cup of tea…

uh… or… some other…

light refreshment has put everything all right.

Now the first question is from Private Slater

of the Army Catering Corps

and he wants to know what is meant by a "sense of humor"

and how an effective sense of humor may be cultivated.

Lady Dodd?

Well now, I've always had a great sense of humor myself

and I have always been very glad of it.

As to cultivating a sense of humor,

I think perhaps the best thing would be to subscribe to a periodical like Punch

and look at the most amusing pictures.

Thank you, thank you, Lady Dodd. Now… well, Dr. McAdam.

[Chaplain] I wonder if you heard the question?

Yes, yes, I'm not deaf.

[laughs]

I'm sorry.

Well, have you any remarks to make on it, then?

Well, I haven't got a sense of humor myself. I'm too busy.

[chuckles] Oh, I don't know.

I think a good joke now and again helps to keep things going,

so long as it's clean.

Some of the things I hear on the BBC I can hardly believe my ears.

-[Chaplain] Thank you, Mr. Byres. -Mr. Chairman.

[audience mutters]

Yes, Jessie, what is it now?

Excuse me sir, but you haven't answered the last question yet.

-That's right. -[audience murmurs]

But Jessie, you must really try to control your curiosity.

Mr. and Mrs. Prout are entitled to some measure of private life.

But I only want to know about marriage.

[audience cheers]

Please, quiet, quiet, please, please! Really, Jessie, for heaven's sake.

Well, Private Slater, the Brains Trust seems to think that a sense of humor

is a very difficult thing to define but a very useful thing to have.

We think you can best cultivate it by reading suitable magazines

and refraining from listening to the BBC.

Now we'll pass onto the next question. It is, oh, it's anonymous,

and the question asks "How does a bluebottle walking on the ceiling

take off when it wants to fly?"

Now that is a most interesting question.

How does a bluebottle take off from the ceiling?

Who cares?

[audience laughs]

Obviously the person who asked the question.

[audience laughs]

Well now, Dr. McAdam, perhaps you can help us?

Oh yes, hmm, yes…

Talking of a sense of humor.

-[laughs] -it's quite true,

you do come across some laughable things in general practice.

Doctor…

I remember an old fellow with a swelling on his backside

-the size of your head. -[audience laughs]

Doctor, doctor, we are onto another question.

I had a surgeon in to see him

and we both agreed we ought to take a wallop at it.

-Yes, doctor, but… -[audience laughs]

So we did the operation on the kitchen table.

I must say, the young fellow made a good job of it,

as neat a piece of work as ever I saw.

Left a beautiful scar.

[audience laughs]

Yes, doctor, you're straying, we went onto another question.

A pity the old fellow couldn't show it.

[Dodd laughs]

Owing to its situation, you understand.

Yes, doctor, but we're onto bluebottles now, we're onto bluebottles.

[McAdam] Yes, yes yes.

So we put him into his bed

and as soon as he came out of the chloroform, he said…

Bluebottles, doctor, bluebottles!

Oh no, no, no, no. He didn't need a bottle, no, just a whiff.

So the old follow felt under his pillow and took out a handful of dirty notes

and asked the surgeon what his fee was.

"Oh," says he, "ten guineas."

So the old fellow counted out eight notes.

"Here you are," he said, "eight pounds, take it or leave it

and if you don't like it, you can put the swelling back where you found it."

[audience laughs]

Quaint old characters you meet sometime.

-Yes, I remember another time -Now, the Brains Trust…

No no, please, please, doctor, another time, another time, please.

Oh, yes, all the same to me.

[Chaplain laughs]

You know, I wish someone would explain to me

how bluebottles manage to walk on the ceiling at all.

-No, don't be so darned stupid. -That'll do.

-[Mr. Prout] What's that? -[Mutch] I said, that'll do.

Well, upon my word, Mr. Mutch,

I don't see why the devil I can't pass a remark to my wife

-without you brawling and blustering in. -He wasn't brawling, George.

Yes, he was.

Mr. Prout, please, please, please.

And Professor, please to you too.

Now, the Brains Trust doesn't appear to have any positive opinion

about bluebottles, so we'll pass on to the next question.

Miss Burgess wants to know if Dr. McAdam

can come to her at once.

Oh, what's… Oh dear. This isn't a question, oh, it's a message.

Oh, it's for you Dr. McAdam. It's from Miss Burgess, she wants you.

Oh, yes, yes.

[chuckles]

-I'm sorry I've got to run off like this. -Yes, yes, of course.

It isn't Miss Burgess having the baby.

[chuckling]

She's the District Nurse.

Goodbye, everybody, goodnight. Goodnight!

[audience cheers, applauds]

I'm sorry I've been called away.

Goodnight, doctor, goodnight.

Now then, for the next question…

Mr. Chairman, please, may I have my question answered first.

-Is marriage a good idea? -[audience cheers]

Jessie, for the last time, will you kindly sit down and keep quiet?

But I want to know what happened. Everybody wants to know. Don't you?

[audience cheers]

Please. Jessie. Jess…

Excuse me, everybody. I must stop this once and for all.

[audience chattering]

She'll get put in the jug if she's not careful.

Jessie, you really must try to control yourself.

You're getting quite hysterical.

No I'm not! We never had hysterics in our family.

We work too blooming hard. I just want to know, that's all.

Jessie, but you want to know what?

! want to know what happened. Everybody wants to know.

[audience cheers]

Please, Mrs. Prout, it's very important to me.

I don't know, I… I don't…

It's all right, please, don't cry. Don't worry, I'll take you away.

You take your hands off her!

-[Dodd gasps] -[commotion]

Sit there. Sit there, Mr. Prout. Now behave yourself!

I should have warned you that I'd done a bit of scrapping in my time.

As a matter of fact, I was once amateur middle weight champion at my university.

I know, I know. Like that swine there,

your only sort of repartee

is knocking people about like a couple of navvies.

You dare put your filthy paws on a man like me?

Infernal bullies, that's what you are! Infernal bullies!

[Mr. Prout sobbing]

Mr. Prout. Please don't cry, Mr. Prout. Pull yourself together, man.

-Be a man. -[audience muttering]

I don't know what to do, Lady Dodd. I just don't know what to do.

But it isn't your fault. It isn't your fault.

-[audience cheering] -[Jessie] Be quiet, wait a minute, listen,

I want to say something!

Just a minute. Listen.

I don't want to cause trouble.

I only asked the question because it's really important to me

and I think it's important to nearly all us young ones here.

[audience cheers]

Of course we talk about it. But what do we know?

We don't know anything

and when we ask those who've been through it,

they put us off with lies and silly jokes.

Some of us never see anyone who's got any education

from one year's end to another,

so now we've got you here

and we want you to tell us whether it's worth getting married or not.

So please, Mrs. Prout, did you choose right or didn't you,

and if you didn't, what went wrong?

[audience cheers]

She's quite right, you know. We…

We ought to answer her question.

No, no. No, I'm sorry. But I really must put my foot down.

After all, I am supposed to be Question Master.

Does the Brains Trust wish me to continue in that office

or would you rather I hand it over to Private Killigrew?

No. Please go on. You're doing splendidly.

You're quite good enough.

Now look, Jessie. Do you want to come up and be question mistress?

No, I don't.

Very well then. I must insist on being master.

I suppose Mr. Byres would say that no man is good enough to be another man's master,

-but at the same time, I… -No woman is good enough

to be another man's mistress.

Order, order, order!

Very well then. What do you want me to do?

Do you want me to go on to the next question or not?

I think the girl should have her way.

After all, we are supposed to be a Brains Trust.

And if she asks a question, she's entitled to an answer.

-[audience cheers] -If this was a political meeting,

she'd get an answer.

[audience applauds]

Very well then, Mrs. Prout, I think you had something to add.

Well, what is it Miss Killigrew wants to know exactly?

I just want to know how it works out, that's all,

marriage, I mean.

Why, I don't really know. You…

You go mad more or less all of a sudden,

but you recover quite slowly and by degrees.

That's what happened to us. I began by

noticing things about George that I didn't like very much,

and I suppose that hurt his vanity because

he began to lose his temper very often.

It wasn't the same then, of course, as it was at first.

But you aren't the same as you were when you were three years old.

George and I are devoted to each other.

Absolutely.

But didn't you see any of his faults at first?

But I told you I did. All of them.

Only they didn't seem to matter.

It was as if they belonged to some other person.

I think it's all summed up by Lord Tennyson

when he says a friend should bear a friend's infirmities

and if we've got to bear a friend's infirmities,

how much more ought we to bear a husband's?

It's all a matter of give and take.

Oh thank you, Lady Dodd, and excellently put.

Now I think we can sum up this discussion

by saying that marriage is a very, very good idea indeed,

if we are prepared to give and take, as Lady Dodd says.

-Now, we'll pass on… -But not if it's all on one side.

[audience murmurs]

Well, of course, it must not be all on one side.

I think Lady Dodd made that perfectly clear,

and now we'll pass on to the next…

But it is all on one side. I mean, what the devil?

Oh, I beg your pardon. But look here,

after all, I know these people better than you do.

I've known Angela for ten years and George for nearly 30.

Oh, he's a decent enough chap and all that

but he's bone lazy and bone selfish

and as conceited as a peacock with three tails.

Though what he's got to be conceited about heaven alone knows.

What I mean to say is after all,

she's got a personality of her own and what the devil…

[grunts, sighs]

I can't say anything of course.

For some reason or another, nobody's supposed to say anything

about this sort of thing until the whole damage is done.

Well, it is done!

And here's somebody who's had her whole life ruined

by the crass stupidity of a bone-headed twerp like that.

I mean to say it's high time someone told him

and I don't care if he knows, I mean to say…

[audience murmurs]

The Professor is of opinion

that both parties must be prepared to make some sacrifice

and there must be some give and take.

-Now we'll pass on to the next… -I beg your pardon.

We'll do nothing of the sort.

[Mr. Prout] This man has had the impertinence,

to come in and out of my house like a tame lap dog

and pretend to be my friend.

Now he stands up at a public meeting and insults me.

I want to know what he means by it, if he's capable of stringing

a couple of intelligible sentences together.

I think you can settle that on a more suitable occasion, Mr. Prout.

I insist! He's either said too much or too little.

I want to know what the devil he means by it.

I should have thought I made my meaning abundantly clear.

I called you a selfish, conceited bone-headed twerp and I mean it.

You are one. Upon my life, I don't know how she sticks him.

You keep my wife out of this!

But it's true, George. You are difficult.

That's right.

You turn on me now.

A moment ago, you were rolling your eyes

and telling the whole army how much you loved me.

[laughs]

But I'm not surprised, it's just like you.

You insist on being treated as a rational being

and at the same time claim the rights of a spoiled child.

How can I make a comrade and partner out of a creature like that?

I should begin by trying to behave like a gentleman.

I suppose you call your behavior gentlemanly?

I only discuss terms with people who know what they mean.

Oh stop, I can't stand this!

Well, as a matter of fact, it's getting a bit too much for me too.

I'm not in the least surprised, Lady Dodd.

Gentlemen, you must either behave like civilized beings

or leave this platform.

Certainly, I'll leave this platform and I'll take Mrs. Prout with me.

You'll do nothing of the sort!

-Oh? And who's going to stop me? -I am!

[audience cheers]

Are you going to sit there and hear me insulted?

I can't imagine a woman with a spark of spirit

sitting still and hearing her husband insulted.

Can't you, Mr. Prout? It's one of the few pleasures we poor women have.

If we're talking about insults,

I've been steadily insulted ever since this thing began,

and by you, George.

And may I tell you, I've had about enough of it.

You can go on washing our dirty linen in public

as long as Captain Paris will let you. I'm going with Jimmy.

I forbid you to do any­thing of the sort.

Why should you? Is he your lover or what?

Yes he is. I mean… Well, he…

He is in a way. I mean… He is.

[audience murmurs]

Do you mean to say

that this has been going on under my very nose?

Nothing's been going on under your very nose. Don't be silly.

I beg your pardon, Professor Mutch,

but my wife has just stated in the clearest possible terms

that she's been deceiving me with you.

[chuckles]

You set great store by your gentility.

Are you accusing my wife of telling lies?

It isn't what you think it means, George. It isn't at all.

Then, what is it? At least I'm entitled to an explanation.

Of course, Jimmy and I are very fond of one another,

but not in that way.

May I ask what you mean by "that way"?

No, sir, you may not.

[audience murmurs]

Steady, Prout.

Excuse me.

I said when I married,

I'd marry the perfect woman or remain a bachelor.

I was poor but an artist can marry who he likes.

I was determined to marry a woman who has graceful and beautiful

without a blemish with a voice full of sympathy

and talking good sense and not trying to be clever.

I knew her, I could hear her, but I couldn't see her.

All I knew was that she'd be a surprise.

Dark, fair, it was nothing to me, height as high as my heart,

but beautiful she must be,

and honest and gentle and strong.

And look what I married.

He didn't want much, did he?

[audience murmurs]

Please, please go to the Green Room. I'll see you there in one minute.

Curtain, Walter.

[audience murmuring]

Ladies and gentlemen, I think I'm safe in saying that

the Brains Trust is of opinion that holy matrimony is hardly a topic

for discussion before a mixed audience

and therefore, I think we must draw these proceedings to a close.

I may add that next week, I am trying to arrange

for a return visit of the…

of the May Savitt Qualthrop string quartet.

-Thank you, thank you, thank you. -[soldier] Ladies and gentlemen.

I hope I'm expressing the sentiments of all present

when I ask you to join me in a vote of thanks

to our new Entertainments Officer, the Reverend Captain Paris

for providing us with one of the most stimulating

and, if I may say so without offence,

one of the most thought provoking entertainment in the history of our camp.

[audience applauds]

Furthermore, we would like to ask you, Captain Paris,

Reverend, sir, if you could make the Brains Trust

a regular feature of our entertainments program.

And now, three cheers for the Padre. Hip hip!

[audience hoorays]

Just like him to pinch the car.

-Jimmy. -What?

-[soft music plays] -[bus arriving]

Let's catch the bus.

We must get away from here. I can't stay in the house after this,

-how could I? -Oh, where are we going then?

Padre, I've been made a laughing stock tonight and I don't like it.

I'm sorry, Mr. Byres.

It's the last time I'll get mixed up in this kind of caper.

If only Charley's Aunt hadn't run away to Doncaster,

none of this would have happened, would it?

Trouble always breeds trouble, doesn't it?

I believe that fellow Prout has gone off with the whisky.

Oh, really.

What are we going to do about Mr. and Mrs. Prout, sir?

I should have thought that you had already done quite enough

about Mr. and Mrs. Prout.

But didn't you see Mr. Prout had been drinking?

Yes, and I gather he proposes to continue.

But there'll be a terrible row for when the Professor and Mrs. Prout get home,

anything might happen.

She's quite right, you know.

I don't believe it's safe to leave them together.

But I've done my best, Lady Dodd. I don't see what else I can do.

Well, if they start to fight, you could part them

and Walter would help you.

Jessie, my job in life is not to part people but to bring them together.

Perhaps you could do that too. I really feel we should do something.

I'll tell Walter to get the car.

You know, I wonder if that poor girl ought to see a psychiatrist.

[conductor] Any more fares, please, any more fares?

We can go 50 miles tonight

and tomorrow we'll take the caravan to Cornwall or Wales,

I don't mind where.

But I'm on the air on Wednesday in Question Marks.

I can't let the BBC down.

Well then, we'll go to London and park the caravan there.

-What? In Portland Place? -Oh, don't be silly.

I've got another eight programmes to do, you know.

Well, we can go down the Thames somewhere

and you can travel up to London every day.

That should be simple enough, shouldn't it?

Yes, I suppose so.

[soft orchestral music]

Wait, Jessie, who said you could come?

You might need my help.

Yes, she really must see a psychiatrist.

[Mutch] George is back alright.

The lights are on in the studio too. He's probably in there.

What are we going to say if we bump into him?

I don't care if we do.

Nothing will make me change my mind now.

-Nothing? -What do you mean?

-Well, what I mean is… -Oh, come along.

But ought we to make up our minds quite so quickly?

-Why on earth not? -Well, I was thinking of my place,

you see, my house­keeper, she has a terrible antipathy to any sort of change.

Well, of course, if you prefer your housekeeper to me.

No, no, no, I don't, my darling but you see, I can't afford to pension her off

and she's too old to get another job now.

I think if I'm prepared to break up my domestic arrangements,

you might go a little way to breaking up yours.

Yes, but as I've explained, Angela, you see, whichever way we look at it,

-the point is… -Don't you love me?

I love you with my whole soul.

And I love you too. Don't you see?

We've got to do something about it now.

Yes, but Angela…

Now go and change your clothes and pack your bag

and I'll do the same.

[upbeat trumpet music]

[tense music]

There's Prout. See if the other two are back.

[Chaplain] Mr. Prout!

Mr. Prout!

-Mr. Prout. -[Mr. Prout] Hop it, you!

[Chaplain] Mr. Prout, please stop behaving like this.

Mr. Prout, will you please stop drinking that stuff?

It's only making matters worse.

Will you buzz off

and stop poking your nose into other people's business?

There's no call to be so rude, Mr. Prout…

Oh, what on earth are you doing here?

I came with Captain Paris and Lady Dodd.

I didn't want to cause trouble tonight, Mrs. Prout, really I didn't.

There's no need to apologize, my dear, I should be very grateful to you.

If not for you, I might never have had the courage to make the decision I have,

so thank you, my dear, very much. Come along, darling!

Oh, listen, Mrs. Prout, please,

you must wait and hear what Captain Paris has got to say.

-There is nothing more to be said. -Oh, but Mrs. Prout!

What on earth are you doing here, you interfering little brat?

Oh. Oh, Lady Dodd!

[tense music]

[Chaplain] Come now, Mr. Prout, don't be an idiot, open this door.

If you don't get away, I'll brain you!

I don't think you could do that, Mr. Prout.

-You see, I happen to be… -I know,

ex middle-weight champion of the monastery.

Mr. Prout.

[tense music]

My pictures! What on earth is George up to?

-Mrs. Prout, Professor Mutch. -What are you doing here?

At least you will listen to me.

Look, you can't possibly go away like this.

Forgive me, but all I am asking you to do is to think it over, to sleep on it,

separately of course, and I'm sure in the morning you will see that I was right.

Jimmy, don't you realize,

-George must be going away too? -What?

Well, that's why he's got all my pictures here.

[Chaplain splutters]

Why, it's obvious, Mrs. Prout, he cannot bear to be parted from you

or from anything that even faintly resembles you.

Now, Professor Mutch, look, no doubt we all have absurd inclinations

and we don't always behave very wisely, but there is one thing that we do owe

to our self-respect and that is to play the game.

What game?

Hmm? Well, you're… you're a public schoolboy,

you ought to know what playing the game means.

[Angela] Jimmy, we're starting! I was right. It is George!

-[bus starts] -[Angela gasps]

This is absolutely ridiculous. We can't all go away together.

[chuckles]

It might be the best solution, Professor Mutch.

Don't talk balderdash.

[Jessie] Mrs. Prout, Mrs. Prout! Mrs. Prout!

-Jessie! -Thank heavens you're there, sir.

There's a note for Mrs. Prout from Mr. Prout.

We'd better scramble out now.

Yes, we must, before he reaches the gate.

-Oh, would you mind, please? -Mrs. Prout.

[bus rumbles]

-Did you say "scramble out"? -We must be raving mad.

This is a note from your husband.

I don't want to read it.

It may tell us where we're going.

What's it matter where we're going now?

What does matter is we're going with George.

Angela. Angela, just look at this.

What's it say?

What's he mean? What on earth does he mean?

ls anything the matter, Mrs. Prout?

What does he mean by "this is the end"?

He couldn't possibly mean…

-Oh, I mean to say, he couldn't, could he? -Of course not.

He's only doing this to frighten us.

Yes, of course, he must be. He's obviously going back to his mother.

He did once before, you told me, didn't he?

-His mother doesn't live on this road. -Doesn't she?

-This is the Roxborough Cliff Road. -I beg your pardon?

-It's the road to Roxborough Cliffs. -Where does it go after that?

Nowhere. The road ends at the top of the cliffs.

-It's a famous beauty spot. -[Mutch gasps]

There's nothing there but a shack that sells postcards and ice cream.

But that's ridiculous. He wouldn't want anything like that, would he?

Come, come, Professor. Whatever it is in Mr. Prout's mind,

it certainly is not ice cream!

Well, what is it then? What on earth is he doing?

[tense music]

I'm quite certain there's some perfectly simple explanation.

Then why is he taking all my pictures?

Yes, why is he? What on earth are we going to do?

I said in the first place we shouldn't have acted so precipitately.

So it's my fault now?

No, it isn't. It's mine for allowing myself to be dragged into this.

So I dragged you into it?

You did. I wanted time to think it over.

-Think what over? -Professor!

There's no sense in trying to shift the blame at this juncture.

-I'm not trying to shift the blame. -Then what are you trying to do?

Mrs. Prout, both of you, keep your heads, please!

Do, do, do let us try and sit down quietly and calmly

and talk this over like normal human beings.

After all, there must be some quite simple way

of letting Mr. Prout know that we're here.

Such as rapping on the wall, for example.

Angela, how far are these cliffs?

I don't know, half a mile!

-Half a mile? -Mr. Prout!

[banging on wall]

[door rattles]

I can hear the sea. George, George!

It's no use, Professor, I've tried.

But I can hear the sea, I tell you! We shall have to jump for it.

-Come along, Angela. -No!

-Yes, yes! -No, I'm not coming!

Don't panic, Mrs. Prout, not at a moment like this.

If George is going to throw himself over the cliffs,

-he's doing it for the love of me! -Oh, nonsense!

No time for mock heroics, Mrs. Prout.

He can hear the sea.

No! I'm staying here. I'm staying with George. George…

No, no! No, no! No, no! You can't faint.

You can't faint, Mrs. Prout. Oh, she's fainted.

You can't pass, there's no room.

-Alright, Jessie, you take the wheel. -Who, me?

-Yes. -What are you going to do?

You'll see. Leave this to me.

Put her arm round your shoulder and lift.

[Mutch grunts]

That's right. Drag.

-[loud bang] -[both gasp]

[bus tire squeaks]

Something's happened.

George! George! George!

George, darling, are you alright? Tell me you're alright. What happened?

-A puncture. What are you all doing here? -[car tire squeaks, halts]

Deliberately shooting my tires, what childish conspiracy is this?

George, you weren't really going to kill yourself, were you?

Kill myself? What in heaven's name are you talking about?

Then what were you going to do?

Do what any sane, self-respecting man would do under the circumstances,

get away and do some decent painting for a change.

But why take all my pictures?

Well, I hadn't got any canvasses, I was going to clean them off.

-Clean me off? -Well, I had to paint on something.

Now then, trigger happy, if you want to get home tonight,

you and your girlfriend and the rest of you,

then get down and change that tire.

Well, if you ask me, half these problems would never arise

if more people took a cold bath in the morning and a sharp walk before breakfast.

Please, may I say something?

Look, Jessie. Listen, I'm begging you, Jessie, try hard just this once

not to say anything at all.

-Yes, but I just want to-- -Jessie. Now, please.

-Yes, Jessie, shut up. -What?

Nothing you say now can make it any better.

Oh, won't it? Well, I like that. What are you butting in for anyway?

-[Walter] I got my own ideas. -[Jessie] You have?

Yes, and why shouldn't I have?

I've been listening to a lot of beefing tonight, hanging on to that curtain,

and what's it all amount to?

Seems to me that it's blokes like me,

blokes that hang around street corners and hang out with the judies

and bashing around shilling hops with them.

We're the blokes that got a chance to find out

what's going on in this world,

better chance than people with their heads in books half their lives,

getting educated.

There's some things you can't learn from books,

leastways only secondhand.

And judies is something, in particular, you've got to know firsthand.

Take what went on tonight.

When you get a lot of blokes and judies with too much time on their hands,

it stands to reason you get a bit of square pushing.

I've seen it myself.

Of course, most times it don't do no harm, it all depends on how bad you've got it.

Look, say a gent gets sweet on another gent's Judy.

The gent what owns the Judy, he's got two or three things he can do.

He can go about blinding and belly­aching.

He can clock the other guy and give his Judy something to remember,

but that don't get you anywhere.

No, the only thing in my experience, is to sit down over a pint of wallop

and say, "Here chum, how about it?"

There's plenty of other judies in the world

yapping about, leaving their hair combings all over the place,

what you want to come messing around my Judy for?

She takes a bit of getting used to, I warn you.

And I've got used to her.

If you look at it reasonable,

judies is things that most blokes can do with, in moderation.

I mean, there's things you've got to do, you've got to eat, you've got to sleep,

but you ain't got to go running after other blokes' judies.

You know, I've seen the time when I'd give the most wonderful Judy in the world

for a plate of bully and a slice of bread and marge,

so have some sense, chum, and how about one for the road?

Well, that's what I'd say if I was in his place.

Well, anyway, I think I would, you never know, do you?

Walter, I never would have believed.

You know something? Walter is right. Oh, Walter!

-Come off it, Jessie. -No, no, honestly,

you see, he's practical.

Now if the Brains Trust hadn't been on tonight,

none of this would have come out and…

I might never have made my mind up.

You mean you have?

Oh yes, Walter.

Well, thank heaven for that!

I like that, I like that very much!

You've settled everything, haven't you?

That's right. Aw, everything will be alright, Mrs. Prout,

if you mark time for a bit

and Mr. Prout doesn't go on whacking it up.

Well, Professor, I think you'd better stay with us at the hall tonight.

Oh, well, I mean to say…

No, he'd better stay here.

No he had not.

Go on, get in the car now and don't keep Lady Dodd waiting.

Goodnight everyone.

But Angela, what are you going to do?

I'm going to town next week to have my hair done in rows of little lumps

like iron filings. I'll feel alright then.

-[Dodd] Come along, Professor. -Oh yes, of course.

-But Angela, I mean to say… -Go on, get out!

Goodbye then.

Well, I'll say goodnight to Mrs. Prout.

Goodnight Mr. and Mrs. Prout.

-Goodnight. -Goodnight.

You know, I don't think you should have spoken to Jimmy like that.

I nearly threw his bag at him.

Well, he's a very sensitive fellow.

My goodness, I… Oh, what's the use?

George, must you leave your braces all over the place?

You know you never wear them.

I hardly think this is the moment to discuss braces.

No, perhaps not.

George, were you… really going to paint over my pictures?

I was going to keep the one in the sitting room.

-[Angela sobs] -[Mr. Prout chuckles]

You know, there's one thing I want, Angie.

There's not a drop in the house.

I didn't mean that. I want a cup of tea.

I'll… I'll put the kettle on.

No, no, no, no. I'll put the kettle on.

You? Oh, don't be silly. I'll put it on.

No, no, no, my darling, you're tired. I'll put the kettle on.

But I always put the kettle on.

Well, let's both put the kettle on.

[band music playing]

[coughs]