Original subtitles

MOST GIRLS MY AGE

ARE OBSESSED WITH PRETTY SIMILAR THINGS...

FUN THINGS.

SOME ARE OBSESSED WITH FLIRTING...

SOMETHING MORE THAN FLIRTING.

SOME ARE OBSESSED WITH THEIR RIDE...

OR WHETHER TO WEAR

REALLY RUBY RED OR SILVER CITY PINK.

ME, I WAS OBSESSED, TOO.

I WAS OBSESSED WITH POST-ITS...

POST-ITS AND DEATH.

I WAS BEYOND OBSESSED.

DID YOU WRITE MY NAME ON MY POST-IT?

WHAT?

DID YOU WRITE MY NAME ON MY POST-IT?

THE ONE WHERE I DIED?

GEORGIA, I'M NOT A BIG FAN OF THE DROP-BY.

WELL, I WANT TO KNOW.

THE DROP-BY, IT'S A DISCOURTESY.

POLITE SOCIETY HAS A PROTOCOL,

AN AGREED-UPON TIME AND PLACE.

YOU MAKE PLANS.

KIND OF LIKE A POST-IT.

I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE WHEN YOU KNOCKED,

A WRITTEN SENTENCE IN A BOOK.

I HAD TO PUT IT DOWN 'CAUSE YOU KNOCKED.

I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING WHEN YOU KNOCKED.

DOES IT MATTER WHO WROTE YOUR POST-IT?

HERE'S WHAT I KNOW.

YOU GET A LIST OF NAMES,

AND YOU TRANSFER THE FIRST INITIAL, LAST NAME,

TIME AND PLACE ONTO A POST-IT.

BUT YOU GET MORE THAN THAT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT ELSE DO YOU GET?

IS MY NAME STILL IN HERE SOMEWHERE?

WHAT ELSE DOES IT SAY ABOUT ME?

WHAT ELSE DOES IT SAY ABOUT ME?

OH, WHAT IS THIS?

LIKE, SANTA CLAUS'S LIST?

DOES IT SAY WHO'S BAD

AND WHO'S GOOD?

DOES IT SAY THAT I WAS 18 YEARS OLD?

THAT I HAD NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND?

THAT I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE?

DID IT SAY THAT I HAD NEVER DONE ANYTHING?

YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PERSIAN MYTHOLOGY?

PERSIAN MYTHOLOGY SAYS,

ON THE LAST DAY, THERE'S A RECKONING.

THERE'S AN OLD-FASHIONED SCALE.

YOU GOT ONE SIDE FOR LIGHT, ONE SIDE FOR DARKNESS.

GOOD, EVIL.

EVERYBODY STEPS ONTO THE PAN, SEES HOW THEY MEASURE UP.

THE WORLD WANTS IT ALL TO MAKE SENSE,

THE WORLD WANTS IT ALL TO ADD UP.

THE WORLD WANTS BALANCE.

THIS IS YOUR RESPONSE?

SOME STORY ABOUT SOME BULLSHIT

WAY STATION INTO THE AFTERLIFE?

YOU'RE STILL HERE, GEORGE.

I WANT TO BE YOUNG AND SILLY.

YOU ARE YOUNG AND SILLY.

GEORGIA, I WROTE YOUR NAME ON THAT POST-IT.

I HADN'T MET YOU. I DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT A GREAT KID YOU WERE...

BUT IF I HAD KNOWN YOU,

I STILL WOULD'VE WRITTEN YOUR NAME ON THE POST-IT.

THAT'S THE WAY OF THE WORLD.

I THINK HE'S WRONG.

I DON'T THINK IT ALL "ADDS UP."

I DON'T THINK ANY OF IT MAKES SENSE.

I DON'T SEE ANY FUCKING BALANCE ANYWHERE.

LET ME DOWN!

IT'S ALL ABOUT LUCK.

EITHER YOU'RE LUCKY, OR YOU'RE NOT...

AND I'M NOT.

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

SHE SOLD THE SLATERS' HOUSE.

SHE GOT 50,000 OVER ASKING.

ALL RIGHT, SHE'S THEIR TOP REALTOR, CLANCY.

SHE'S AMBITIOUS AND RUTHLESS,

RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY.

I THINK REGGIE'S UPSTAIRS.

REGGIE?

REGGIE!

I CAN'T FIND HER... BYE.

I DON'T SEE WHY WE HAVE TO SELL THE HOUSE.

WELL, HONEY, HALF OF IT IS YOUR FATHER'S.

CAN'T WE JUST BUY HIS HALF?

I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY.

THEN I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK.

REGGIE, GOING BACK TO WORK, YOU KNOW,

WOULD REQUIRE A MAJOR LIFESTYLE CHANGE FOR ME,

YOU KNOW, FOR BOTH OF US.

SO I HAVE TO LIVE IN SOME CHEESY APARTMENT

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE LAZY?

BUT DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT MY JOB WAS?

SECRETARY. LEGAL SECRETARY,

AND LAWYERS ARE VERY ANGRY PEOPLE.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW INCREDIBLY UNHAPPY I WAS

WHEN I CAME HOME?

YOU'RE ALWAYS INCREDIBLY UNHAPPY.

NO, I'M NOT.

UNHAPPY IN A CHEESY APARTMENT.

UNHAPPY IN A BIG HOUSE.

EXCUSE ME, CAN I BORROW YOUR SALT, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

ROXY...

CAN I SEE YOUR NEW POLICE REVOLVER, PLEASE?

NO.

PLEASE?

NO.

I JUST WANT TO HOLD IT, ROXY.

NO.

LOOK, I WON'T SHOOT IT. I PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE.

I JUST WANT TO FEEL IT IN MY HANDS, YOU KNOW?

PLEASE! NO, AND STOP ASKING ME.

GIVE ME THE GUN. GIVE ME THE GUN.

GIVE ME THE GUN. GIVE ME THE GUN. GIVE ME THE GUN.

YOU ARE REALLY WORKING MY NERVES THIS MORNING.

YOU DON'T HAVE THE HUEVOS.

YOU WISH YOU HAD A PAIR LIKE MINE, BABY.

AND A GUN LIKE THAT.

HERE'S YOUR JUICE, HON.

THANKS.

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK

TO EAT MY EGGS IN PEACE?

JUST LET THE LITTLE MAN HOLD THE GUN.

LUCK'S EVERYWHERE,

JUST DRIFTING IN THE BREEZE,

AND THE BAD LUCK THAT'S FLOATING AROUND

HAS TO LAND ON SOMEBODY,

AND WHOEVER IT LANDS ON...

WELL, PEOPLE FIND WAYS TO EVEN THE SCORE.

MY PARENTS ARE SELLING MY HOUSE.

DO YOU WANT ANYTHING, SWEETIE? NO, THANKS.

THE HOUSE I GREW UP IN, THEY'RE SELLING IT.

HOW MUCH? I HAVE NO IDEA.

HOW MUCH IS THE CHECK?

WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS?

THEY LOVED OUR HOUSE.

IT JUST DOESN'T... ADD UP. ADD UP.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WE LIVED THERE FOR 20 YEARS.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THE CHECK?

SHE DIDN'T CHARGE US ENOUGH. LET'S PAY IT AND RUN.

WE MOST CERTAINLY WILL NOT.

GREAT. "JOHNNY LAW ON-THE-SPOT."

THEY ARE JUST UP AND LEAVING.

SHE DIDN'T CHARGE ME FOR MY FRUIT SALAD.

- THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. - IT MAKES SENSE.

COPS EAT FREE.

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE HER PARENTS ARE MOVING.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

MAYBE IT'S JUST TOO PAINFUL FOR THEM

TO WALK BY YOUR BEDROOM EVERY DAY.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE THEY NEED THE EXTRA SPACE,

BECAUSE WHEN SHE KICKED THE BUCKET,

THEY GAINED AN EXTRA ROOM.

ROXY, DO ME A FAVOR. SHOOT HIM.

GLADLY.

I AM SO FAR AHEAD OF THIS BIT.

I WAS JOKING.

- ROXY? - LOOK AT YOU.

YOU THINK YOU'RE SO BLOODY SPECIAL, DON'T YOU?

PRANCING AROUND IN YOUR TIGHT BLUE TROUSERS

AND YOUR BIG SHINY GUN.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, SWEETHEART.

COPS DON'T EAT FREE. PEOPLE HATE COPS.

PLEASE DON'T.

I'VE HAD A BAD MORNING ALREADY.

UH, EXCUSE ME?

KIFFANY?

COULD YOU SETTLE A DISPUTE FOR US? WHAT IS IT, SWEETHEART?

DO OFFICERS OF THE LAW RECEIVE COMPLIMENTARY MEALS?

NO.

COFFEE'S FREE.

DO YOU WANT SOME MORE COFFEE?

NO, THANK YOU.

SO, WHAT? YOU JUST NEGLECTED

TO CHARGE HER FOR HER FRUIT SALAD?

WELL... LOOK AT THAT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL GET YOU A NEW CHECK.

JESUS CHRIST!

FUCKING HELL!

SO THEY'RE SELLING YOUR CHILDHOOD HOME?

YEAH.

THAT'S A SHAME, SWEETIE.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

THAT FUCKING HURT.

IT DOES HURT.

SOMETIMES THE WORLD JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

PARDON ME.

HEY, CAN I GET A SODA?

FIVE-LETTER WORD, "ACCIDENTAL FISH."

FLUKE.

TIME TO GENERATE A NEW REVENUE STREAM.

BEHOLD.

OH, MASON, MASON, MASON.

ARE YOU DRINKING AGAIN?

NO.

SAY, "AS GOD IS MY WITNESS."

I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD.

NOW, WHAT ABOUT A LITTLE WAGER?

COME ON, GUESS WHERE THE PEA IS.

WHERE IS THE PEA?

WHERE IS THE PEA?

PUT A DOLLAR DOWN. COME ON.

A GEORGIE WASHINGTON FROM GEORGIE GIRL.

IS IT UNDER THIS ONE?

COULD IT BE UNDER THIS ONE?

OR IS IT THIS ONE?

WHERE COULD IT BE?

WHERE IS THE PEA?

GUESS, AND WIN A DOLLAR.

THE MIDDLE ONE.

- NOPE. - OH!

BY GEORGE, SHE'S GOT IT.

YEAH, YOU ARE DRINKING AGAIN.

OKAY, SO GIVE ME THE MONEY BACK,

AND WE'LL START ALL AGAIN.

MM... NO.

YES, BECAUSE THAT WAS PRACTICE, ALL RIGHT?

AND YOU JUST LOST A DOLLAR.

MORNING, BOYS AND GIRLS.

HOW'S EVERYBODY?

HAVING A LOVELY DAY, THANK YOU.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

YOU STILL WEARING THOSE STICKS, HUH? I AM.

YOU FIND YOURSELF A CROSS,

AND SUDDENLY YOU'RE A CATHOLIC?

IT THINK IT LOOKS VERY PRETTY ON ME, DON'T YOU?

YOU KNOW, GEORGE,

YOU HAVE YOUR VERY OWN SAINT.

I'D RATHER HAVE A PONY.

SAINT GEORGE IS THE PATRON SAINT

OF FARMERS, SOLDIERS,

BOY SCOUTS, CAVALRY, CHIVALRY,

AND ENGLAND.

I WANT A SAINT. HAVE I GOT A SAINT?

YES, SAINT THOMAS.

WHAT ABOUT SAINT MASON?

THOMAS IS THE PATRON SAINT OF MASONS.

THERE IS NO "SAINT MASON," BUT SAINTS ARE MARVELOUS.

THERE'S A PATRON SAINT FOR EVERYTHING.

PATRON SAINTS FOR LOST CAUSES,

FOR BEING DEPRESSED, PATRON SAINTS--

FOR BEING BORED OUT OF YOUR SKULL.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HOLY TRINITY IS, GEORGE?

WE ARE IN A FUCKING RESTAURANT.

IT'S PEPPERS, ONIONS, AND CELERY.

WOULD A LITTLE RITUAL IN HER LIFE

DO HER ANY HARM?

I HAVE A LITTLE RITUAL MYSELF.

LET US BEGIN.

NOTHING FOR ME? NOT UNLESS YOU GOT ONE

UNDER ONE OF YOUR PRETTY LITTLE SHELLS.

DON'T YOU USUALLY RIDE YOUR BIKE OVER HERE?

YES. DID YOU RIDE IT TODAY?

YES. WELL, IT'S NOT OUT THERE.

WHAT? YOUR BIKE IS GONE.

I GAVE YOU THAT BIKE.

THIS BETTER BE A JOKE.

IS IT REALLY GONE?

LET ME SEE YOUR VERSION OF THE SHELL GAME.

I COULD REALLY USE A LAUGH THIS MORNING.

- WHAT? - "WHAT?"

COME ON, QUIT FUCKING AROUND.

PLAY.

SOMEONE STOLE MY BIKE!

ORDER UP.

SOMEONE STOLE MY BIKE. WE GOT THAT.

DID YOU LOCK IT?

YES, I LOCKED IT. ALL THEY LEFT IS ONE TIRE.

WHICH TIRE?

THE TIRE THAT WAS LOCKED.

I HAD A FEELING YOU'D LOSE THAT BIKE.

YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE A FIGURE-EIGHT

WITH YOUR HANDS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO HUFFY ABOUT IT.

I'VE LOST MY PEA NOW.

WHAT? YOU'RE BLAMING ME?

WELL, WHEN SOMETHING IS LOST,

SOMEONE HAS TO BE BLAMED, ISN'T THAT THE THEORY?

IF NOT YOU, THEN WHO?

THE DESIGNER OF THE BIKE FOR MAKING SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL

THAT SOMEONE ELSE COVETS IT? OR MAYBE WE SHOULD BLAME ME?

MAYBE WE SHOULD ASSIGN NO BLAME AT ALL?

AS DAISY'S PEOPLE WOULD SAY, "HE GIVETH, HE TAKETH AWAY".

I'D BLAME THE GUY WHO TOOK IT.

I'D GET REVENGE.

YOU KNOW, AN EYE FOR AN EYE, A SCHWINNFOR A SCHWINN--

I WOULD STEAL SOMEBODY ELSE'S BIKE.

THAT'S A BAD IDEA.

OKAY, ROXY'S BIG, BAD, AND BLUE.

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER?

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. RUBE, CAN I BORROW YOUR TRUCK?

ARE YOU A RESPONSIBLE DRIVER?

I AM AN EXCELLENT DRIVER.

I PROMISE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PIECE-OF-SHIT TRUCK.

WELL, THAT'S NOT THE RESPONSE I WAS LOOKING FOR.

FINE.

GEORGE.

WHAT?

SOMETIMES PRETTY THINGS JUST DISAPPEAR.

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S JUST MY BAD LUCK.

SHOW ME THE HANDS.

WINNER OR LOSER, WINNER OR LOSER.

WHICH WILL IT BE?

ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

HERE TODAY, GONE IN A MOMENT.

IT'S UNDER THE MIDDLE ONE.

IT'S SQUISHY.

I'M GOING TO SQUISH YOU TWO

IF YOU GET ANY CLAY ON THAT TABLE.

WE'LL CLEAN IT.

YEAH, I'VE HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE.

YOU KNOW, GEORGE, WHEN YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP,

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE HOW LITTLE YOU WERE.

I'M NOT LITTLE. REGGIE'S LITTLE.

YOUR FATHER WAS KIDDING, HONEY.

YOU'RE A BIG GIRL.

UH-OH.

OKAY, LET'S DO THE LEFT ONE.

THE WORLD MAY TRY TO MESS WITH YOU.

OUT THERE, IT MAY BE A FREE-FOR-ALL,

BUT IN HERE,

THERE'S A SYSTEM IN PLACE TO ADDRESS THAT.

NEXT.

MAYBE IT'S JUST THE UNIFORMS, BUT IN HERE,

IT FEELS LIKE THERE'S ORDER IN THE WORLD.

NEXT.

AND IF YOU JUST GET THE FACTS ONTO THE BOOKS,

ODDS ARE, THE SYSTEM TAKES CARE OF YOU.

HI.

I'D LIKE TO REPORT THE THEFT OF MY BICYCLE.

IT HAPPENED ALMOST AN HOUR AGO, ON BAY STREET.

FILL THIS OUT.

WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S A HARVARD LAW DEGREE.

WE'RE ALL VERY PROUD OF YOU.

LISTEN, I'M GOING TO BE REALLY LATE FOR WORK.

CAN I JUST DESCRIBE THE BIKE TO YOU,

AND YOU COULD PUT OUT AN A.P.B. OR WHATEVER?

NO.

GREAT.

EXCUSE ME.

THANK YOU.

HOLY SHIT.

DID YOU JUST SEE THIS? MM-HMM.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, DEAR?

SOMEONE... STOLE MY BIKE,

AND IT WAS A REALLY COOL BIKE.

A MAN FONDLED MY BEHIND ON A CITY BUS.

THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR THAT.

NONE.

I THINK HE WAS STABBED.

YEP. "ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON, KNITTING--

NEEDLES."

THE SHITHEAD HAD IT COMING.

HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO, WHERE WE GO...

WHERE WE GO, NOBODY KNOWS.

THAT'S YOUR PATTER?

PATTER'S BULLSHIT.

PATTER'S HOW YOU DRAW PEOPLE IN.

PEOPLE ARE DRAWN IN BY THE GAME...

AND BY MY NON-THREATENING GOOD LOOKS.

WELL. THE PATTER SEDUCES.

IT'S NOT YOUR STRONG SUIT.

THERE.

DO YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE PLAY THE SHELL GAME?

BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY CAN BEAT THE ODDS. WRONG.

THEY THINK THEY CAN BEAT YOU.

THEY THINK THEY'RE SMARTER THAN YOU.

IN THIS CASE, THEY'RE RIGHT.

I'M SMARTER THAN YOU THINK.

ARE YOU SMART ENOUGH TO PLAY STUPID?

I AM SO SMART, I'M PRACTICALLY RETARDED.

ARE YOU DRINKING AGAIN? NO.

ARE YOU LYING? AS GOD IS MY WITNESS.

NOW, WHERE'S THE PEA? FOLLOW THE PEA.

FIVE'LL GET YOU TEN, TEN'LL GET YOU TWENTY,

FIFTY'LL GET YOU A HUNDRED. DOUBLE YOUR MONEY,

DOUBLE YOUR MONEY, JUST CATCH IT ONCE.

ONE TIME, ONE TIME, ONE TIME.

YOU NEED A RHYTHM.

YOU NEED TO HYPNOTIZE WITH YOUR WORDS.

MM-MM.

I CAN HYPNOTIZE WITH MY CAT-LIKE MOVEMENT.

NOW, HOW SLICK WAS THAT?

THERE'S ONLY ONE MOVEMENT I CARE ABOUT.

IT HAPPENS EVERY DAY RIGHT ABOUT NOW,

AND THERE'S NOTHING CAT-LIKE ABOUT IT.

IT'S UNDER THE ONE ON THE RIGHT.

WRONG.

MY RIGHT.

I CAN DO THIS.

HOW IS THIS LOW PRIORITY?

IT'S PETTY THEFT, MISS.

IT'S A VICTIMLESS CRIME.

VICTIMLESS? THEN WHO THE FUCK AM I?

AND THE LANGUAGE WON'T MAKE IT A HIGHER PRIORITY.

DID I WIN ANYTHING?

20 SCRATCH-OFFS, AND I DIDN'T GET SQUAT?

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL TO GET SOME ATTENTION AROUND HERE?

IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.

I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS.

I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE, THANKS.

THANK GOD.

YOU HAVE TO HELP ME, ROXY. IT WAS A YELLOW BIKE--

I CAN READ.

AND IT HAD A BELL, AND A MISSING TIRE.

GEORGE, I WILL TREAT THIS

WITH THE RESPECT IT DESERVES.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

LOOK, I'M HAPPY TO FILE A REPORT, I'M HAPPY TO FOLLOW UP,

BUT DON'T EXPECT ANYONE AROUND HERE

TO LOOK OUT FOR YOUR BIKE.

SOMEBODY BROKE THE LAW.

SOMEBODY HAS TO PAY.

YOU'RE ON THE BOOKS, GEORGE.

I'M ON THE BOOKS,

BUT THE BOOKS DON'T REALLY GIVE A SHIT.

IN THE END,

THE LESSON THE SYSTEM TEACHES YOU

IS PRETTY SIMPLE...

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

WHAT THE HELL?

IS IT SATURDAY?

NO, ALL-STAFF MEETING.

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT THERE?

PHONES.

"T.H.E.F.T."

"THIEVES HARM EVERYONE'S FUN TIMES."

LET'S BREAK IT DOWN, PEOPLE.

WHAT DO I MEAN WHEN I SAY HARM?

HARM WHO? YOU?

OR THE CUTIE IN THE NEXT CUBICLE?

THE C.E.O., THE PRESIDENT,

EVERYONE DOWN THE CHAIN--

SOMEONE STOLE MY BIKE.

AND EVERYONE IN HERE IS A THIEF

UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE... INCLUDING YOU.

FREAK. OH, DID I MISS A JOKE?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

STEALING COMPANY PROPERTY IS NO JOKE.

PEOPLE THINK, "OH, THE COMPANY

IS SUCKING AWAY MY LIFE. I'LL JUST TAKE SOMETHING BACK."

WHO IS THIS GUY?

SECURITY EXPERT, BECAUSE OF ALL THE SUPPLY THEFT.

I DIDN'T GIVE YOU A PROMOTION

SO YOU'D SHOW UP AN HOUR LATE.

I WAS TRYING TO FIND MY BIKE SO I COULD GET HERE.

YOU. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

MILLIE.

YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE HERE, MILLIE?

NOT SO MUCH.

TELL HIM YOU'RE HAPPY. I'M REALLY HAPPY.

GOOD.

GOOD, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE DO

WHEN THEY'RE UNHAPPY, DON'T YOU?

THEY... GET A CAT?

- NOT YOU. - WRONG.

THEY TAKE STAPLES...

OR ROLLER-BALL PENS...

OR POST-ITS.

PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE THEIR LIVES TRY TO GET EVEN,

AND THAT MAKES HAPPY TIME

AN UNHAPPY PLACE.

NO MATTER HOW I TRIED TO PLAY THE GAME,

IT WASN'T COMING OUT IN MY FAVOR.

DIE, BECOME REAPER, SEE FAMILY SELL HOUSE,

SEE BIKE GET STOLEN, DO NOT PASS "GO".

"R.I.P.O.F"

"REPORT...

"IDENTIFY...

"PROVE...

"OSTRACIZE...

FIRE."

"RIP OF?"

YOU GOT A PROBLEM THERE, MILLIE?

YOU MISSPELLED "RIP-OFF".

DROPPED AN "F." OH, I SEE.

WE HAVE OURSELVES A SMART-ASS.

DON'T YOU MEAN, "SMART AS"?

SHH, MILLIE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING THERE, MILLIE.

I CAN'T SING.

I CAN'T TAP-DANCE.

I CAN'T TWIRL A RIFLE.

I HAVE ONE TALENT, MILLIE.

I FIRE TROUBLEMAKERS.

I FIND TROUBLEMAKERS, AND I FIRE THEM.

THAT'S MY TALENT, MILLIE. WHAT'S YOURS?

YOU DON'T WANT TO FIND OUT.

WATCH THIS ONE. I DON'T LIKE HER.

R-I-P-O-F.

FIGURE IT OUT,

LEST YOU CATCH THE BULL BY THE HORNS.

UH, WELL, UM, THERE'S, UM, MUFFINS.

DO YOU FEEL LUCKY TODAY?

WHERE IS THE PEA?

FIND THE PEA.

THE PEA IS UNDER...

THIS SHELL.

JUST TAKE THE MONEY. TAKE THE MONEY.

GO AWAY.

HOW'S THAT REVENUE STREAM RUNNING?

IT'S GOING REALLY WELL, ACTUALLY, REALLY WELL.

I'VE ACTUALLY SAVED YOU SOMETHING FROM THE EARNINGS.

UH, HANG ON, WHERE IS IT?

HANG ON, LET ME FIND IT. IT'S THERE.

NEW CAR? OH...

UM, YEAH, IT'S, UM, IT'S A LEASE.

IT LOOKS LIKE A REAL CHICK-MAGNET.

WHERE'S REGGIE?

SHE'S AT SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW, THE PLACE THEY KEEP

THE NON-VOTERS FOR EIGHT HOURS A DAY,

KEEP THEM OUT OF TROUBLE. YEAH, I... I...

I KNEW THAT. I WAS JUST NERVOUS

ABOUT COMING OVER HERE.

SO...

WHERE DO WE START?

1983.

THAT WAS A JOKE.

HA.

OH, I REMEMBER THIS.

I STOLE THIS FROM THAT HOTEL ON MAUI.

WE WERE BOTH SMOKING ON THAT TRIP.

AND DRINKING.

THAT WAS A GOOD VACATION.

THE BEST.

WELL, SINCE I STOLE IT, I GUESS IT'S MINE.

THAT'S RIGHT, I'M THE THIEF.

I'M THE CAT-BURGLAR.

DON'T YOU EYEBALL ME.

OH, YEAH, LIKE ANYONE WANTS YOUR FAKE PRADA TOTE.

OKAY, DEATH WAITS FOR NO MAN.

GOT TO GO, GOT TO GO.

MILLIE!

YOU WERE AN HOUR LATE,

AND YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE ALREADY?

GOD, I'VE WORKED THIS 12-STEP EXCUSE

INTO THE GROUND.

SOMETHING ELSE, PLEASE.

DELORES,

I DIED ABOUT A YEAR AGO, AND BECAME A GRIM REAPER...

AND SOMEONE AT THE WOODSIDE MALL

IS GOING TO DIE IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES,

PROBABLY VIOLENTLY,

AND I HAVE TO GO TAKE THEIR SOUL BEFORE THEY BITE IT.

WELL, THAT'S DEATH FOR YOU.

I APPRECIATE YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

THAT SECURITY GUY REALLY UPSET ME.

THAT WHOLE "BULL WITH THE HORN" THING,

WHATEVER THAT WAS, I HAVE NO IDEA,

BUT I'M ON THE EDGE HERE, DELORES,

AND I NEED TO GO TO A MEETING.

SAY NO MORE.

"GRANT ME THE SERENITY"--

OKAY, THANK YOU. LATER.

"I'M GOING TO A MEETING."

I'D BORE MYSELF TO DEATH IF I WEREN'T ALREADY DEAD.

I'M TELLING YOU, THE KITCHEN GUILLOTINE

IS THE LAST SLICER YOU'LL EVER BUY.

YOU LIKE PEPPERS? IT SLICES PEPPERS.

LOOK AT THAT, EASY AS PIE.

JUST RIGHT THROUGH THE PEPPER, LIKE NOTHING.

POP THAT ON THERE,

THROW SOME MEAT ON THIS BABY,

AND YOU'RE DOING WHAT I LIKE TO CALL

THE "BOSCACCI HIBACHI TANGO."

I'M XAVIER BOSCACCI,

AND THAT'S FUN IN THE KITCHEN!

COME ON, PEOPLE. AND THAT'S...

FUN IN THE KITCHEN.

RIGHT...

FUCKIN' MALL GIGS.

OKAY, I NEED A VOLUNTEER.

HOW ABOUT YOU, YOUNG LADY? NO.

COME ON, LET'S GIVE HER A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT.

EXCUSE ME.

LOOK, KID, I GOT TO MOVE FOUR OF THESE

BY THE END OF THE HOUR, OR I'M A DEAD MAN.

ALL RIGHT? JUST READ THE SCRIPT.

DO YOU LIKE FRESH FRUIT JUICE?

I LOVE FRESH FRUIT JUICE.

WELL, LET ME ASK YOU THIS...

DO YOU LIKE THE RIND?

I THROW THE RIND AWAY.

YOU THROW THE RIND AWAY?

MY FRIEND,

IF YOU'RE NOT TRYING THE RIND,

YOU'RE NOT LIVING.

NEITHER ARE YOU, IN THREE MINUTES.

OH, WATCH IT, PAL.

UH...

ISN'T FRESH FRUIT JUICE EXPENSIVE?

MY FRIEND,

NOT ONLY IS THE KITCHEN GUILLOTINE

EASY TO USE,

AN--AND...

EASY TO CLEAN,

IT'S ONLY $19.99.

AND YOU, TOO,

CAN HAVE FRESH MIMOSAS FOREVER.

OH!

AND THAT'S FUN IN THE KITCHEN.

YOU GOT SOME JUICE ON YOUR COAT.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S YOU.

OH. YOU GOT GUILLOTINED.

I KNEW THAT BLADE WASN'T SAFE.

WE WERE JUST TRYING TO CUT COSTS, YOU KNOW.

AND THE WORLD GETS EVEN...

AND MAYBE EVEN THROWS YOU A BONE.

SO, IS THE RIND REALLY GOOD FOR YOU?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

THAT IS NOT TRUE, JOY.

I'M SURE OF IT.

I BOUGHT THAT TABLE WHEN YOU WERE IN GRAD SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW, OKAY, WHATEVER.

TAKE IT.

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'RE GIVING ME

SOMETHING OUT OF CHARITY. THAT WAS THE AGREEMENT.

I BROUGHT IT IN.

OKAY, FINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I BROUGHT IN? YOUR NECKLACE.

MY...

YOUR MOTHER GAVE THIS TO ME. MY MOTHER.

I'D THINK THAT FALLS SQUARELY INTO THE CATEGORY

OF THINGS I BROUGHT INTO THE MARRIAGE.

SHE'S MY MOTHER.

YOU SHOULD GIVE THE NECKLACE BACK TO ME.

DON'T YOU GET IT?

I WANTED TO GIVE THIS TO--

I WANT TO GIVE THIS TO OUR DAUGHTER.

WELL, I CAN GIVE IT TO HER JUST AS EASILY.

YOU WANT IT, CLANCY?

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO RIP IT OFF MY NECK.

HI, SWEETIE.

HEY, REG.

HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY, HONEY?

- DID I DO ONE OF THESE? - YEAH, YOU DID.

RIGHT, JOY?

WELL, WHERE IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW, SWEETIE.

IT MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN LOST SOMEWHERE.

I NEED A RIDE TO MY DRUM LESSON...

OH, I'LL TAKE YOU.

MOM.

LISTEN, DO YOU MIND IF I STAY

AND GO THROUGH SOME THINGS?

I REALLY DO.

RUBE SAYS THE WORLD WANTS BALANCE.

I SAY I'M READY TO HELP THE WORLD GET IT.

WHY SHOULDN'T I GET MINE?

EVEN IF I DIDN'T EXACTLY PAY FOR IT.

WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?

YOU'RE NOT THIS LUCKY.

THAT'S COOL.

WHY SHOULD I PLAY BY THE RULES?

IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE WAS KEEPING SCORE...

AND MORE IMPORTANT,

IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE WAS WATCHING.

HI THERE.

JUST BROWSING.

I'VE GOT JESUS CHRIST, CRYSTAL,

TWIN TOWERS, THERE.

HMM.

TELL ME ABOUT THE CROSSES.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW?

ARE YOU A COLLECTOR?

NO, THEY JUST SORT OF, UH,

HAVE A HABIT OF TURNING UP.

YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING PRETTY?

SEE?

NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY PRETTY.

THE CROSSES,

HOW MUCH ARE THEY WORTH?

DEPENDS. ON?

KARAT, AGE, DESIGN.

YOU BUYING?

NO, JUST INFORMATION GATHERING FOR NOW,

BUT I REALLY DO FANCY THEM.

THAT'S A NICE PIECE YOU'VE GOT ON.

IS IT?

MAY I?

YEAH.

EDWARDIAN...

PROBABLY TURN OF THE CENTURY.

I'LL GIVE YOU A THOUSAND BUCKS FOR IT.

REALLY?SURE.

I GET GOOD TURNOVER ON THESE

HEIRLOOM ESTATE PIECES.

I DON'T THINK SO.

ARE YOU CATHOLIC?

A LITTLE BIT.

SO ARE YOU RUSTY?

YEAH, I'M A LITTLE OUT OF PRACTICE,

BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

NOT EVEN A CHUCKLE?

IS RUSTY YOUR REAL NAME?

NO. I HAD RED HAIR WHEN I WAS A KID.

MY REAL NAME'S JOHN. JOHN WHAT?

JOHN McCOLLUM.

$1,200, BUT THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER.

NO, THANK YOU.

I THINK I CAN GET A BETTER DEAL SOMEWHERE ELSE.

YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL THINGS, RUSTY.

RUSTY AND BEAUTIFUL.

"RUSTY AND BEAUTIFUL."

OH!

TAKE THE MIRROR.

REALLY?

FROM ONE CATHOLIC TO ANOTHER.

YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY HAVE PLENTY OF MIRRORS,

BUT I WOULD LOVE ANOTHER CROSS.

HELP YOURSELF.

YOU'RE A SWEET MAN, RUSTY.

I'M SURE THERE'S A NICE DEAL WAITING OUT THERE FOR YOU.

YOU DON'T EAT THE RIND?

THE RIND'S THE BEST PART, DARLING. LOOK.

THAT'S FUN IN THE KITCHEN.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU SEE, YOU...

YOU ARE SERIOUSLY BEGINNING

TO CREEP ME OUT, SO PISS OFF.

GO ON, I MEAN IT. PISS OFF. SHOO.

GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.

ANYWAY, YOU LOVELY PEOPLE,

COME AND GET YOUR KITCHEN GUILLOTINE.

IT SLICES, IT DICES,

IT'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING HAND OFF IF YOU WANT IT TO.

ONLY 10 BUCKS A POP.

LOVELY, THANK YOU.

BE THE FIRST ON YOUR BLOCK. BLOODY HELL, I'M GOOD AT THIS.

ME, TOO. LOVELY.

YOUR KITCHEN GUILLOTINE, SIR.

A DAY OF FIRSTS.

FIRST TIME YOU'VE PULLED INTO THIS DRIVEWAY

SINCE YOU DIED,

FIRST TIME YOU WALK IN WITHOUT BREAKING IN,

AND MAYBE THE LAST TIME YOU SEE THE PLACE.

HI. YOU MUST BE MILLIE.

HI.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S A REAL COUP

WHEN A HOUSE ON THIS BLOCK COMES UP FOR SALE.

MOST PEOPLE KEEP THESE GEMS

IN THE FAMILY FOR YEARS.

IT'S A VERY SPECIAL OPPORTUNITY.

AND YOU'RE SURE THE FAMILY WON'T BE HERE, RIGHT?

OH, NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.

NO, I THINK IT'S KIND OF, UM,

I DON'T KNOW, CREEPY

HAVING THE FAMILY HOVERING AROUND

WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING AT THEIR THINGS.

CREEPY MIGHT BE TOO STRONG A WORD.

NO, IT'S GOOD.

SO, YOU ARE, UH, SINGLE?

ENGAGED.

TO A BANKER. HE'S AT THE BANK

MAKING SERIOUS BANK.

SO THEN FINANCING--

IS THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS.

WELL, I THINK IT'S NICE

THAT THE TWO OF YOU ARE INTERESTED

IN A FAMILY HOME LIKE THIS.

PREPARING FOR THE FUTURE...

WHAT I WAS REALLY DOING, OF COURSE,

WAS FACING MY PAST.

NOW, WHAT'S SPECIAL ABOUT THE DESIGN

OF THE INTERIOR OF THIS HOME IS THE FLOW.

WHY ARE THEY MOVING?

EXCUSE ME?

WHERE IS THE FAMILY GOING?

OH, I WOULDN'T KNOW THAT.

WELL, WHY ARE THEY LEAVING?

OH, WELL, THERE IS NO PROBLEM WITH THE HOUSE ITSELF.

I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT.

NO, NO, THIS PLACE HAS BEEN PERFECTLY MAINTAINED.

THE MOTHER IS...

WELL, SHE'S VERY PARTICULAR. MM.

IT JUST DOESN'T...

- MAKE ANY SENSE. - NO.

I SHOULDN'T TELL YOU THIS, BUT... THEY LOST A CHILD.

OH, IT WAS VERY SAD. TERRIBLE ACCIDENT.

NOT IN THE HOME, OF COURSE,

BUT I THINK THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF IT.

THE BEGINNING OF WHAT?

THE END OF THE MARRIAGE.

IT'S VERY COMMON.

MOST MARRIAGES CAN'T SURVIVE

THE DEATH OF A CHILD.

I DO LOVE THOSE DOORS, THOUGH.

AND JUST AS I DID AS A CHILD,

WHEN FACED WITH SOMETHING I DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR...

I HEADED STRAIGHT FOR MY ROOM.

CAN I SHOW YOU ONE OF THE BEDROOMS, THEN?

OH, UM, THAT'S A TRICKY HANDLE.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO--

...LIFT IT A BIT.

IT'S THE ONLY REAL FLAW

IN AN OTHERWISE MINT-CONDITION HOUSE,

I CAN ASSURE YOU.

I THINK I'D JUST LIKE TO GET A FEEL FOR IT UP HERE...

BY MYSELF.

OH, SURE. I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS.

BUT IT WASN'T EVEN MY ROOM ANYMORE.

MY PARENTS WERE GETTING A DIVORCE,

AND I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A BED TO CRY ON.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE DEATH OF SOMETHING

THAT MAKES PEOPLE JUST WANT TO PUT IT IN A BOX?

AND FINALLY, THERE I WAS...

BUT THERE WAS NO PLACE FOR ME.

I JUST DIDN'T FIT.

DID MILLIE EVER COME BACK?

I WANTED HER TO DO THIS TONIGHT.

JUST DON'T SING "WE ARE THE WORLD"AGAIN.

POUR ONE APPLE MARTINI IN YOU,

AND IT'S 1983.

DELORES, DO YOU WANT TO COME

TO THE KARAOKE HAPPY HOUR WITH US?

OH, I CAN'T. I'VE GOT RESPONSIBILITIES.

OH, COME ON, DELORES.

EVERYONE'S GOING TO BE THERE.

WELL, BACK TO THE SALT MINES.

ROCK-STAR PARKING.

LUCKY ME.

WHAT'S THAT? A MUSTANG.

TEMPS MUST BE DOING REALLY WELL IN THIS NEW ECONOMY.

DID YOU STEAL IT? NOT EXACTLY.

DID YOU BUY IT?

HMM, NOT EXACTLY.

WELL, HOW'D YOU GET IT, EXACTLY?

I THINK I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET IT.

THAT WHOLE BALANCE THING.

I HAD A REALLY BAD DAY, RUBE.

I THINK I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET IT.

OKAY.

SEEN THIS KID TODAY, THIS MORNING,

LOUIS PICK, 19 YEARS OLD.

HE STOLE $17, WAS KILLED RUNNING AWAY.

HE'S NOT A BAD GUY.

NEVER STOLE ANYTHING IN HIS LIFE. HE WAS JUST HUNGRY.

HE WAS 19, YOU WERE 18.

WHAT ELSE DID IT SAY ABOUT ME, ON THE LIST,

BEFORE YOU WROTE MY NAME ON THE POST-IT?

IT SAID THAT YOU DID NOT HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE.

AND YOU DIDN'T GET THAT CAR

'CAUSE SOMEONE STOLE YOUR BIKE.

WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?

MY PARENTS ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

LOOKING TO BLAME SOMEONE FOR THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

SWEETHEART?

MY EXPERIENCE,

THE DEATH OF A CHILD DOESN'T KILL A MARRIAGE.

SOMETIMES IT GIVES IT AN OVERDUE BURIAL,

BUT YOU CAN BLAME YOURSELF IF YOU WANT TO.

THAT, YOUNG LADY, WOULD BE UNFAIR.

SEE YOU TOMORROW?

DO ME A FAVOR?

BRING MY FRIEND A BOWL OF CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM.

TONIGHT, SOMEWHERE ELSE,

MAYBE THERE'S A DIFFERENT GIRL

WHO'S DODGING A BULLET,

OR STEPPING OUT OF THE PATH

OF A SPEEDING TRAIN,

A GIRL WHO'S LUCKY.

I DON'T KNOW...

I FIGURED THAT SINCE I HIT A PRETTY HARSH

STRETCH OF BAD LUCK WHEN I WAS 18,

YOU KNOW, THAT WHOLE

"TOILET SEAT FALLING FROM THE SKY

AND INCINERATING ME" KIND OF BAD LUCK,

I FIGURED IT WOULD BE REASONABLE

TO EXPECT A CHANGE OF FORTUNE ON THE OTHER SIDE.

WHY SHOULDN'T I GET THE BOOKS TO BALANCE?

WHY SHOULDN'T I MAKE THINGS ADD UP?

I'M TIRED OF PLAYING BY THE RULES.

I WANT TO BE BAD.

I WANT TO HAVE FUN.

I WANT TO KEEP STEALING BACK PIECES

FROM WHERE MY LIFE USED TO BE.

I'M JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE...

AND I'M READY TO EVEN THE SCORE.