Original subtitles

I'm getting wet, really wet.

My naples are erect, throbbing.

I have easier lope between my teeth.

And now you, David.

What are you doing to Alice?

I have one hand on her bottom and...

I'm playing with myself.

On a scale of 1 to 10, what angle would you say your erection was at this point?

7.5.

vascular cause, psychological factors play a role in most cases.

ED has been shown to compromise overall quality of life and is associated with

depression, anxiety and loss of self-esteem.

Treatments vary from oral agents to intraurethral suppositories and another

more drastic option is a penile implant.

An incision is made where the penis and scrotum join.

into one of the erection chambers is made and sutures are placed.

A special insertor is used to draw the cylinder out of the shaft of the penis.

A pocket is made for the pump.

The pump is placed deep in the scrotum.

Do you think they're moving out because John's pregnant?

Well, that's the way things go.

Marriage, kid, kaboom.

Oh, poor little thing.

I was thinking if I lose my job, we should move on and start a garden.

But not like the hippies.

For profit, like in L.A.

We rent a little cottage and then you and me grow carrots and leeks and

potatoes. Yeah, I could... I could probably draw you a carrot, but I don't

think I could grow you one.

I'm sure you could grow me a carrot.

You're so tense, your neck's like a fist.

That good?

Oh!

My goodness.

What's this?

David Downstone, you have a 7.5.

Well, let's get this thing.

Into therapy.

Stop. You're not feeling dizzy, are you?

A little, yeah, kind of.

Jesus.

Promise you won't be angry.

Oh, it's not your fault, baby.

I crushed some special pills into your ice cream.

What? That's what the blue bits were.

How many did you use?

Just a couple.

It's gone totally numb.

Can't feel a thing.

It was meant to be romantic.

Fuck! It's like Robocock.

Don't you want to make love to me?

No, I don't.

I didn't mean that.

Of course I want to make love to you, but...

I feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack.

Welcome to the Career Help Shop, part of the Department for Employment.

We are experiencing an unexpected volume of calls today.

Your call is in a queue and will be answered shortly.

Why not brush up on your interview technique with our handy list of do's

and don'ts available online.

Thank you for waiting.

Career help, Sean.

We're here to help you help yourself.

A person.

Hi, I made a claim for unemployment benefit eight weeks ago. Thank you for

waiting. Alternatively, you may wish to call back later. For God's sake.

Yeah. Hi.

Hello. Ah, Dan.

How you doing?

How's it all going?

If you know anyone in the market for the CEO of a bankrupt design company, I'm

your man.

In awards.

Who's the girl?

Alice.

I did a big project for a magazine she worked for and we just kind of hit it

off.

That's good. Moving on already.

For you.

Hey! Daddy, daddy, did you bring something? Yeah, just let me get inside

first.

Ten to six, David.

Yeah, I know. I got held up.

I was... I was held up.

How's the job hunt coming along?

Good, yeah. The CVs are out.

Search continues.

How are your parents?

I sent them a cheque towards the mortgage.

Look, just have her back for 6.30.

Don't let her go down the slide. She'll only get filthy.

OK?

We're going out for dinner. Bye, darling.

Bye.

Bye.

She'll be good. Let's go on the slide.

Mummy says no slide.

Well, Mummy's not here, is she? You little rascal!

Come on!

Let's go on the slide.

As you know, the redundancies reflect our sales.

We're down 34%, about 14% worse than most of our competitors.

We need real-life, cutting-edge human interest stories.

Stories with a universal twist that we can sell internationally.

Without syndication, this magazine will be pulled.

First round of pitches will be Monday morning.

Hey, Dario.

You couldn't believe the shit today.

You here?

Okay. Give Daddy a kiss.

Bye to Daddy.

Good girl. Come on, then. Okay, here you go. Come on, darling.

Bye, Daddy.

Bye, Daddy.

Bye, Daddy. Bye, Daddy.

Bye, Daddy.

See you soon, darling. See you soon, darling.

Look,

let's get ready for dinner. Do you want to wear your new dress, darling?

Get home here, boy.

Home.

What's up?

Here was me thinking you'd been sitting here for the last two months sending out

your CV.

What are you talking about?

They're both orally and anally bi.

What does that even mean?

I'm not really sure how that happened. I was bored and one thing led to another.

I'm boring?

I didn't say that. Or ugly?

or fucking what? Don't be ridiculous.

Why are you laughing at me?

I'm not.

You could have at least said something. I might have actually let you fuck total

strangers if it helped with our problem. I don't want to fuck total strangers.

I was on hold to the job centre. It was something to do. I'm sorry.

Where are you going?

To meet some normal people.

Alice, I didn't do anything.

Do the washing up.

Hey, daddy-o.

You sleeping?

Yeah.

You know normal people are so weird.

Go to sleep, Alice.

Mr. Diggler's story time.

They were kissing.

And she put her hand on his knee.

Struck his thigh.

Joan and Tom went into the bedroom and left us alone.

Oh, you're getting hurt, daddy-o.

She put his hand up her skirt.

myself now.

You want a little bit more of my story?

It was scary, but exciting.

I'm losing it. You're fine. Keep going.

It's no good.

Sorry. It's okay.

It's just sleep.

Didn't actually do that in front of you, did they?

Tom threw up in the bath, and I spent the next half hour stuck in the

dishwasher.

Good story, though.

We actually totally did it.

Well, sort of, for like 10 seconds.

But it was amazing.

I loved it. A total breakthrough.

A revelation.

A revolution.

Ladies and gentlemen, for one night only, I give you a substantial

tumescence.

Anything else?

Erectile dysfunction is women's fault.

We do a lone running suring. Anything stronger?

There's been a 6% increase in male suicide since the start of the

recession. This is a lifestyle magazine, not a socialist pamphlet.

What about sex?

The agricultural minister's affairs everywhere.

But no one has done the mistress's side.

Yeah? Worth a try.

What about swinging?

Yeah, I like swingers parties.

There are 218,000 people on this site alone.

20% are couples, 60% are single men, 10% are single women, and 3%

are transvestites.

There are 48 sites like this in the UK alone.

We are in the grip of the second sexual revolution.

Stats are all very well, but we need emotion.

Why do they do it? Is it some kind of therapy?

Are they perverts, or are they just like us?

It needs to be based on real interviews with real people. Can you do that?

Sure.

Okay. Do it.

Do you know any swingers?

MBA.

Does it look like it's got a business degree to you?

Married but available.

No way.

You have been doing your homework.

Could you do it? Could you share me with a guy like this?

When it may end saying with jealousy and angry and horny as hell.

Alice, you know, I have this sudden mad urge

for cheese on toast.

No cheese.

Thanks.

Alice, what are you doing?

What does he look like?

Let's see if we get any replies.

You're not actually going to post that?

Alice? Yeah, he's done. I'm sorry.

Wetty Betty.

And Mr. Diggler. A good couple.

You're not going to believe this.

What?

Steve and Shona busty and lusty swinging couples, sick same.

They want to meet us.

Like for real in a bar.

You're not being serious, are you?

Yes, unless you absolutely forbid me. Okay, I absolutely forbid you.

Come on, David. Fuck this. I do this or I lose my job. And then we'll both be

stuck at home.

Walking.

Okay, we need to signal.

Uh, get the fuck out of here?

What about parking meter?

Or... Banana?

A bit obvious, maybe?

I'm shaking.

They probably won't turn up anyway.

I bet she's really sexy in furs with you.

Okay, this is it.

So are you two married?

No, I know we're not.

You? I'm married.

Yeah, we are.

So, er, what's your favourite football team, mate?

I'm not really into football.

You could say that it started early. Yeah.

David Hassell, a good girl, you know. She lives with her mother.

Do you like any sports?

I'm not really into sports.

Do you watch the international games, like...

Yeah. Can I ask you something?

Yeah, of course.

I see.

Lads, we're just going to go and powder our noses.

Why don't you get to know each other?

I just wanted to know,

did it push you into doing it?

Not exactly, no.

You see this?

It's my third time round, and this time, I'm not gonna let a man fuck it up.

They're all the same.

You know, as soon as you tie them down, they start cheating on you.

Really? Mm-hmm.

They're all big wains, really.

Wings?

Wains.

Children, kids.

I don't play.

No? Watching.

What do you do?

Well, nothing at the moment, really.

Right, aye, aye.

I'm unemployed.

I had a business.

Aye, yeah.

It's your favourite Jelly movie.

And I thought, well, at least if I could choose who he's shagging, I could pick

some decent ones.

I'll let him think he's having his cake and eating it.

It's been five years now and we have never been happier.

Hi.

Hi.

Shall we put some money in the parking meter?

That used to be our safety word, didn't it?

Uh-huh.

So, what's your word now?

Babysitter. Babysitter.

You're not meant to keep it a secret.

So, would you like to go and put some money in your parking meter?

I could phone the babysitter.

Maybe you could just come back to ours and have a boogie.

Right.

The heating on.

A wee drink, eh?

Warm ourselves up.

Just watch your feet on those tool series off your messy.

What can I get you?

Something fizzy, or if you don't like that, I've got Vody if you want.

I'll have a vodka. Vodka?

Just some tap water for me, thanks.

Tap water?

Yes.

Okay. Get some tunes on, will you?

Davy, maybe you could do that for me, and I'll go and give Stevie a wee hand

in the kitchen.

Okay?

There you go.

Davy, really?

So?

How far are you gonna take this? Just pick some different music.

This is gold.

Come and get your drink.

Oh God,

I'm gonna cum.

No, Stevie.

You'd better go with her first.

No, no, don't let us interrupt you, really. We're cool just watching. It's

our first time.

Oh, come on. Your mail's away from home.

We've got all night.

Live a little, eh?

Nah, they made her.

Actually, we just wanted to talk.

More time wasters, eh?

Get them out, Stevie.

Get the fuck out now.

Get to it.

Colin, get out of here.

Kitty crunchies

Shocking to see her over the table like that, yeah? Ah, yes.

Tell me a story.

When he thrust into her, her breast fell out of her breath.

That leap is well worth.

Yes.

Yes!

I'm sorry, but as I've already explained, the claim is not for you, but

your household.

So if your partner is working, we have to assess her earnings too.

Until then, your claim for benefits is declined.

So if I lived on my own, you'd give me benefits?

Would you like a form for your partner's earnings so we can reassess?

Yes, please.

There's the room through the looking glass that's just the same as our

drawing room, but everything is the other way around.

And in a moment, Alice was through the glass and had jumped lightly down into

the looking glass room.

Sleepy time now?

Yes darling.

Can you stay here?

Okay.

Just till you fall asleep.

Hey. Hiya.

Should we make a little light?

Good.

Brush your teeth all by yourself.

Wow.

So, next Thursday, same time?

Actually, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.

Right. Hey, don't worry about that. It's fine.

It's all right.

I need you to have a little look at this.

Our signatures need to be witnessed by a lawyer.

And then it's all done.

Okay, well... I'll look over this, then.

It's... I've booked us in for two weeks' time.

I'd really like to meet Ali sometime.

Hi. Is that Marcia?

It's Alice from Swingin' Paradise.

You give me your number.

Great.

Marcia, hello.

Spain originally, but I'm always on the move, you know. Never managed to stay in

one place for long.

But I like it here.

Scotland is great.

Yes.

W slash she, I guess. Yeah.

You know, we're quite new to all this, though.

Hey, I'm in here.

Hey.

It's so early. What are you doing in bed?

Is Amy okay?

Yeah, she's great.

How was your day?

Good.

Quite exciting, actually.

And you might find it interesting as well.

Oh? Mm-hmm.

What have you done?

You know, I... I think that it's okay.

It's okay to be turned on by watching.

If watching another couple helps us to have sex, That's cool.

Is this some kind of test?

No.

I... I have to meet another couple tomorrow and I don't want to go by

myself.

Don't settle for ownership.

Make it deep.

If you love someone, it should feel good to let them breathe.

So!

When you see me walking around with him, I'm not just another chick, I'm...

I'm not just a magic girl.

His girl.

And I can be proud that I'm his girl. Cause I know that I've got it all by

myself. See, I don't need his love.

I really want him, right? And it can feel good that he's my guy. Cause he

knows it don't mean that he's just mine. I don't want to own him or control him.

I just want our souls to be aligned.

So when you see me walking around with him.

I'm not just another chick, I'm his girl When you

see me walking around with him I'm not just another chick, I'm his

girl When you see me walking around with him I'm not

just another chick he picked up from the walk around He's gonna put back down

again I'm the one he loves and trusts He goes out on the town, I don't get

jealous. It's all about affection, not possession with us.

And I do exactly what I want when I'm with him and when I'm not. Is that done?

Marcia, I can tell you, but the first time we met up with another couple...

Oh, my God, it was impossible not to laugh.

The guy did a striptease.

Really? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, really.

Come on in, I'll show you the house.

I love your paintings.

David went to art school, you know. He's very talented.

We tried to collect local work. Maybe we could see some of yours.

Oh, it was a long time ago.

Mostly graphics, really. Is he always this modest?

Well, shall we get some drinks?

Sure.

Here, this way.

Nice windows.

Venetian. This used to be a playroom.

Horrible.

Cartoony wallpaper, so we just knocked through.

We are not having children.

A little bit of absinthe. Thank you.

Sláinte. Sláinte.

Sláinte. Cheers.

So do you want to stay upstairs?

Well, it's the nicest part of the house.

Suck his cock.

Do you want me to?

Look at him watching us.

I want to see her tits.

I actually made it here.

Kiss me.

I wanna fuck him.

I'm gonna fuck him.

Stop.

I'm sorry.

Just wait.

Wait for me.

Sorry.

I spoiled it for you. For me?

This is for both of us. Hey, don't walk away from me.

Please, David.

Don't be jealous.

Look.

Why don't you go home?

I just need to walk this off.

I'll be right back.

Why are you so hard?

You turned off your phone.

I've been worried sick.

I don't want to talk about what happened tonight.

Ever.

Okay.

I don't know why you stayed with me.

I don't know either.

I hate this fucking country.

It's cold and wet and everybody's fucking miserable.

Why do you think I stay here?

I could just... get in a plane and start again.

It wouldn't be the first time you know that.

I'm here because of you.

You are clever.

Talented.

Funny. You just need some time.

I'm going nowhere, so please, Daddy-O, don't push me away.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Let's go, you're freezing.

I thought you were going to interview a young couple.

The key to the new sexy hip internet swinging scene.

Well, I was following a couple, but they pulled out.

The sexual politics of swinging.

The alternative to marriage.

No, that's dull. We need one face, not a thousand.

There's always... There's always this woman.

She's not exactly a sexy young thing, is she?

She had sex with over 2,000 male and women.

Thank God.

And she's agreed to an interview.

Yes, I'm meeting her later.

Okay.

Do you want to get back?

I'll take this.

You don't mind?

Thanks.

My father was a naval officer.

My mom was a typical military wife following the big man around the world

with a child in tow. Why on earth would you want to know that?

to have someone take such an interest in me in my brain rather than just my body.

Come on, David. You have to admit she's fascinating.

I mean, you should have heard it on the phone.

She's been a natureist, a tantric couples therapist, a bondage mistress. I

mean, how many women her age? She's a freak, obviously.

She might even be able to get to the bottom of your problems.

Sorry.

Our problems.

Okay.

If you really can't do it, I'll get Tony to come.

Who's Tony?

Tony is 28.

Well endowed.

We work together.

I should never have clicked on that fucking website.

Oh, come on.

After you, Monsieur.

You have no idea how many fakes there are on the scene these days trying to

get free pussy.

The most tragic of all is when you arrange to meet a couple and only one of

them shows up. The guy.

Of course.

And he'll say something like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry, Simone, or whoever,

has a cold. She couldn't make it. But why don't we have a threesome and she'll

get you later?

Man, huh?

He's a rascal.

You mean things have changed?

Oh, God, yes.

Life is not about freedom anymore. It's about what you can get for free.

Back in California, I was a polyandrist.

There was Jago and Tom.

Sally and Yvette. Yvette was a transsexual from Warhol's factory.

We lived together like one big couple for three years.

We had rodas for everything, gardening, cooking, even bonking, of course.

The men rarely did the dishes, though.

We agreed to do this water-only diet and have 30 tantric orgasms a day.

Wow. Give you terrible diarrhea.

And things never change.

Oh, God.

I could just...

We hold weddings and Kayleys here throughout the year.

Our night's a little different though.

Going up.

So is this a swinging motel?

Oh no, that would be illegal.

We're vigilant of the nosy barkers and frauds, but we're not doing anything

we're ashamed of. The hotel just happens to have a lot of people once a month who

like fucking each other senseless.

We take this whole floor for our parties.

On soiree nights, all the doors are open.

I don't believe in boundaries between people.

Men, women, black, white, young, old.

Down at the end of the corridor is where we have the black room.

The black room.

It's an ancient ritual from the Shawnee American Indians, where the blind find

their sight and the ugly become beautiful.

Someone once made love to my armpit in there for half an hour. It was divine.

Let me show you my other favorite room.

I call this the bridal suite.

Now, my dears, don't be shy.

I've seen hundreds of couples with problems like yours.

Come on, sit.

David, Alice.

Take my hand.

Okay. Sit down.

That's it.

Now, just fall back on the bed.

Fall back on the bed.

That's it.

Breathe in.

That's it.

Laughter's the key to everything.

It really is.

Look up at that couple in the mirror.

Breathe together in and out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

In and out.

In and out.

You've never seen yourselves like this before.

Still and beautiful.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Let yourself melt into each other.

Bloody

hell.

That was... It's like I've been in a car crash.

My legs are still trembling.

When you were so orgasmic.

I can't believe we... Screamed so loud? Yeah, me too.

It's like losing my virginity.

Only good.

Does it mean we are... Cured?

I don't know.

Does it?

Listen, I've been thinking.

How would you like to meet Amy tomorrow?

You should have done that ages ago.

David Johnston, I would love to meet your daughter.

How will you introduce me? Like your girlfriend or your partner? Partner is

horrible. Yeah, don't worry about it.

Just play it as it comes.

Hey, Alice.

I'm off.

All right, so I'll see you in the park around three. One at a time.

Don't be so nervous.

You'll be fine.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Sign here and here.

Okay.

They make it very simple, don't they?

It's a mere formality, really.

That's great.

I'll get the certificates mailed out to you right away.

Good luck to you both.

Thank you.

So you're a free man.

I'll pick Amy up at the park about four.

Yeah, two.

I'm going to introduce her to Alice today.

That's good.

I'd like to meet her myself.

Daddy!

Remember you ever leave that before we play football?

Yeah. Now hold my hand on the road. Very, very busy.

Hello, tiger.

Where have you been hiding?

And who is this gorgeous girl?

My name's Amy. Your name's Amy.

Well, you are just a gorgeous little one. Marcia, we really need to get a

move on. We're running late.

Okay. Well, we'll say hi to Alice for me.

We would love to spend more time with you guys.

Where are we going, Daddy?

Shush. We're going to the park.

Who is that?

Just something from work.

But Mummy says you don't have work. Mummy should mind her own fecking

business.

Look, why don't you go to the park and see Alice?

You'll like that, won't you?

I was just popping in to get a repeat prescription for the pill and I also

wanted to get the sexual health checkup thing.

Okay, so I have some news for you.

Maybe you were expecting this.

No.

The results show that you're pregnant.

I doubt it.

Your records show some history.

Yeah, I had two abortions before.

Are you sure there's no mistake?

It's a lot to take in.

I know these things can be complicated.

It's okay, darling.

It's okay.

It's okay, Amy. Just put her down.

Don't be scared. Just let her go.

You okay?

Everything okay?

You're fine, baby.

But the nice lady didn't mean to scare you.

Want to say hello to her? No?

Amy!

Darling!

Mommy!

Oh, what has Daddy done?

What were you thinking?

Just wait here.

Hannah, she just slipped over in some mud. She's covered in mud, David. She is

fine. It'll wash off. Just put her down. Oh, for goodness sake. Put her down.

It's just dirt. It's fine.

Let me take your lolly, love. She didn't know who Alice was.

Oh, well, that's Alice then. Okay.

Look, David, there is always something. That's why I don't like leaving her with

you. Kids, fall over.

Alice! Why didn't you wait for me to introduce you?

What?

They teach them every day at nursery not to talk to strangers. She's four.

How's she supposed to know who you are?

Have you any idea how long it's taken me to negotiate to even see her?

Unsupervised in a public place. But David, she fell over. I expected more

from you, Alice.

Sorry, I'm... Um,

You lied about your name.

Most swingers do.

You have an STD? Ditto.

No.

Worse. You're a journalist.

I'll understand if you don't want to talk to me.

Actually, it's time I told my story. I have cancer.

Breasts and glands.

If they cut it out, there'd be nothing left of me.

I intend to go out with a bang, fire away.

You never wanted to have kids.

Well... You have to understand, it was the beginning of women's lib. It was

family planning.

A lot of us did things that, in hindsight... Abortion.

Adoption.

Gave my daughter away.

My mother told me it was the biggest mistake she ever made.

Oh, that's a terrible thing to say.

If I was your mother, I'd be so proud of you.

Alice, for a long time, I was a lost soul.

I didn't know who I was.

One night, I got out of my head at a party, I went into a black room, and I

let a stranger fuck me until I disappeared.

No names, no faces, just touch.

Sometimes when you're lost, when you're totally lost, that's when you find

yourself.

We'll black everyone's eyes out and write their job titles on top.

Plumber, IT consultant, cleaning lady, accountant.

With Dolly front and centre.

Queen of the swingers kind of thing.

The finale at the hotel will be the icing on the cake.

You just go in as a couple, you'll snap all the pics.

Orgies, uglies, buggery, all the freaks.

No.

What do you mean, no?

A lot of time and money's already gone into this.

We're pretty much ready to print.

If I'm going to do this, I'll do it my way.

By myself.

Alice?

Will you at least talk to me?

Where are you going now?

I have to finish my story.

But you like stories, don't you?

What is it you want from me, Alice?

It's quite simple.

Are we going to stay together and grow old and all that shit or not?

Because if not, we're just wasting each other's time. Alice, I just want you,

just you and me.

And we'll see how it goes, okay?

Was he just gonna walk out?

Okay, turn around.

Hi, I might be on the list.

What's your name? Alice Lopez.

L O P E Z Just one?

What do you say? What do you say?

You know what this room is.

You need to take them off.

Including the heels.

You can change in there.

Sorry, there's no tip.

Sorry, excuse me.

Sorry, mate, private function.

Dolly!

Dolly, hi.

It's me, David.

It's okay, this one's with me. How wonderful to see you. I'm looking for

Alice. I haven't seen her, darling. Why don't you go and explore?

Great.

Lady Munter, you look fabulous.

Come on in. Everybody come in.

Don't stand out in the cold.

I'm looking for my partner.

She's about so high.

She's got a ponytail.

Her name's Alice.

No names in there, mate.

Nothing to see.

You can get changed in there.

Excuse me, I said you could change in there. I'm sorry, I'm in a rush.

Socks as well, please.

Alice, are you in here?

Alice!

Let me in. I want to see him too.

Just watch where you're going, would you? I will, I will, I will.

Alice, talk to me, please.

Come here.

I'll be here.

Please, just stop touching me.

Alice!

Please, baby.

Turn the lights.

Turn the lights on. For fuck's sake, mate.

Banana meter.

Banana meter, Alice.

That's enough.

Out you go.

Right, you. Out.

David.

Let's just stop. Jesus, where have you been?

What are you doing in there?

I'm looking for you. Listen, can you just... Fuck off.

Just get out of there, will you?

Right, get out now or I'm calling the bouncers.

Alice!

Alice!

I'm not going to let you run away again, Alice.

If you want to start again, you're going to have to do it with me.

Just me and you and Amy, and we're going to be just fine.

I love you, Alice.

I'm pregnant, David.

Jesus Christ, Alice.

I want to keep this baby.

Alice.

Of course we'll keep it, Alice.

We could move to the countryside and grow some carrots.

Uesipesi. Que romano.

So tell me do you feel the same?

Tell me cause it

it's not enough to say

my words get in the

way so tell me do you feel

the same tell me cause it feels

Oh.