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THE GREATEST ROBBERY EVER TOLD

I'm going to tell you a story that really happened.

An incredible adventure I�m proud to have been part of.

Let me introduce a man who can work miracles.

The Saint.

He not only changed my life but also the course of history,

though few people know it.

Case 612,

under review for parole.

Lucas Santos Santos, alias "The Saint,"

eight times in prison for theft.

Last offense the unsuccessful robbery

of the Spanish T.V. Orchestra's grand piano.

The prisoner stole said instrument

dressed in an overall

stating that he was taking it away to be tuned.

A piano?

Yes, and a grand piano at that.

I think it was a good plan, your honor.

I mean nobody suspects a guy

in working clothes, do they?

The prisoner

was recognized by a journalist

who�d covered

his previous offense.

Maybe you remember the balloon.

Two years ago.

He stole a hot-air balloon

belonging to City Hall

and was pursued by police officers

as far as Valdemoro,

where the balloon broke up

quite spectacularly on contact with electrical cables.

Well?

It went badly, right?

Parole.

- I�m out tomorrow. - So why so glum?

That judge laughed at me like I was a clown.

What do you care

- if you�re out tomorrow? - No respect.

What about respect?

I was all set,

for the front page.

If it hadn�t been for that fucking sheep...

Of all the days in the year they had to clone it...

the same day I stole the piano.

Was I mentioned? Not a column or a picture.

That�s quite a file.

Yeah, I like to keep my clippings.

So you steal to appear in the papers?

We all like to be acknowledged.

Recognize him?

No fucking idea.

The Great Train Robber. The greatest robbery ever.

He lives in Brazil now

and advertises safes.

Son-of-a-bitch!

"El Lute."

Stole a chicken and three films!

Even Bonnie M wrote a song about him.

Same as with "El Dioni"?

You�re getting the idea.

Some people lead normal lives, others go down in history.

Look at me.

Remember my face. I belong to the historical kind.

For me the story began one day full of despair.

I hadn�t sold a painting for ages.

I may be way ahead of my time,

but even the misunderstood need to eat.

All I'd eaten for weeks

was the Body of Christ.

But to silence my guts

I first needed to silence

the sound of my conscience.

- Hail Purest Mary. - Conceived without sin.

Father, it�s me, Zorba.

What is it, my son?

I've come to confess.

The third time this week, and it�s only Tuesday.

I need to tell someone,

but nobody'll listen.

Get along with you.

Go with God. Tell Him.

He�ll listen, He�ll never fail you.

I know, Father, but

He never answers.

- You answer me... - Why not go to another parish?

- I�m sure I could tell you where... - Father.

- I�m going to do wrong. - What?

I�m going to sin again. There�s no other way.

That�s why I came.

For you to absolve me beforehand.

Otherwise I won�t dare do it.

SON SANTJOAN AIRPORT, 9:00 A.M.

But I wasn�t the only sinner who�d got up early that morning.

THE GREAT SHAZAM

This is Tumbler.

With a heart so big it hardly fits in his chest.

Though he�ll fit anywhere.

To work!

When the circus folded, the evil Shazam took Tumbler

along the road of crime in a trunk.

Trained by the magician,

Tumbler made everything

vanish as if by magic.

If you ever missed something from your case,

it was probably due to his magic.

Right, that�s that!

Yes, I should let you out but our flight�s about to leave.

- I can�t take any more of this! - Breathe slowly.

- Let me out! - Come, Tumbler, don�t exaggerate.

You�re supposed to be an acrobat. And the trunk�s padded.

Oh, Tumbler, you always travel in style.

Shut up, you son-of-a-bitch and let me out!

MADRID, ALUCHE DISTRICT 11:03 A.M.

Tits out time! Yeah!

They failed you

for this little gem? Your teacher must be crazy!

Fuck him! I�m getting rich with this.

As you advance, she loses her clothes. Hence the name,

Laura Cleft.

Is Windows here?

Well,

do you want a copy?

Jacobo, a friend of yours...

Hi! Go on trying out the goods.

Let�s air the den, shall we?

Here, hot VISA numbers,

straight off the press.

Charge away, sir!

Next time I'll have pirate CDs, DVDs...

Jacobo,

another friend of yours.

- Hi, Windows. I came for more CDs. - Cool.

Windows, this girl�s gorgeous!

For you, 3,000.

That was Windows,

a smart young man who followed the crooked path just for the hell of it.

Then there was Luc�a,

who did the same, though unwillingly,

as she headed straight for the gates of Sodom and Gomorrah.

I�ve had a lot of experience in show business.

Especially in cabaret. I�ve done hundreds of gigs

all over Spain.

My biggest hit, the biggest of them all, I�d say,

was a prison tour with a mariachi band.

I�ll try

anything.

That was when I met my husband,

six years ago.

Well, he saw me first and it was love at first sight.

When he got out

he searched high and low for me.

The best thing that ever happened to me.

Get "em off.

Pardon?

I said get "em off.

Yes, I suppose you need to see me.

Just you wait...

What a body.

Who�d think I was thirty-f...?

30 years old.

And I know how to dance.

Turn around.

I need to see your ass.

Hi!

Hi, everyone! I�m home!

Papa Zorba's here!

How are you,

my little treasures,

my dear little children?

Sad, right?

Things may be bad now

but you, the chosen ones,

will save your brothers

and sisters from misery.

Things will look up soon.

With God�s help.

Luchi!

You don�t think I�m a clown, do you?

Why do you ask?

I was born for something big.

Don�t you agree?

Yes, but you have too many ideas and you want to try them all out at once.

My famous hunches. You�re right...

You should learn to distinguish.

You always overdo things. That�s why I love you.

Listen, Luc�a,

I swear there�ll be no more stupid little jobs.

From now on, I�m only after the biggest...

- Look, Santo... - Yeah?

Until you hit the bigtime,

I've found a job to keep us going.

A job?

What kind of a job?

Come on, baby! Get it all off!

That�s it!

Windows.

Access authorized.

Hi, Windows. Ready to do evil?

Sure I am.

No school tomorrow either?

They�re on strike. They�re all

so damn lazy.

Pay the electric bill.

Fine.

Leave it to me.

You love the feel of money, don�t you?

You�ll be a top executive one day, you�re so smart.

And so popular.

It�s paid, Mom.

And this is for failing me, teacher.

I�ll show you how to program.

You�ll have a fit!

There!

Son-of-a-bitch, I�ll tear...

Come here, you bastard!

LUCAS SANTOS, ALIAS "THE SAINT"

PAROLE VIOLATION IMMEDIATE RE-IMPRISONMENT

Well, look where I got in!

City Electrical Supply.

New Ministries... right.

Fucking bankers.

Salamanca District...

Get your flashlights!

- Hey! - What happened?

Something�s wrong.

I�m evil!

Something�s wrong.

Come back here!

ZORBA, ALIAS "EL GRECO"

THEFT AND DESTRUCTION OF VALUABLE OBJETS D"ART

IMMEDIATE IMPRISONMENT

Aluche! My neighborhood!

Deprived of porn and football!

Shit! What have I done?

Blood!

Blood!

UNIDENTIFIED, ALIAS "TUMBLER". NO FIXED ABODE

VERITABLE SOCIAL DREG. IMMEDIATE IMPRISONMENT

Havoc was wreaked during the power failure

in Madrid last night. Crowds of people went on the rampage,

uncontrollably pillaging shops,

banks and large department stores.

Internal Revenue offices were burned down

and the dawn revealed

an act of unimaginable barbarity...

Cybele's head

and Neptune�s had been switched.

Last night�s events are appalling.

Our colleague Fidel

is with the special squad in charge of the case as they

detain the prime suspect.

Have you come

to see my son?

Yes, if he was logged on

- to the Internet last night. - Oh, the Internet!

- Come in. - Mom!

I�m a bit too old for all that.

But my boy�s really into it.

Stays up all night studying...

I haven�t had time to clean up.

Jacobo, they�ve come to...

This is not normal procedure!

Mom, say something!

JACOBO YUSTE, ALIAS "WINDOWS"

NO CRIMINAL RECORD

PREVENTIVE IMPRISONMENT

As soon as I saw him

I knew that part of

his nature was heavenly, like

the Biblical heroes

I�d always dreamed of.

Hello.

I�m Zorba.

Hi. They call me

"the Saint."

What was yours again?

Zorba, like Zorba the Greek.

My mother

had me in a cinema.

She used to "work" in cinemas. And she loved art.

She called me her "Little Greco."

- Will you let go my hand? - Sorry.

What�s so funny?

Nothing...

You�re a bit of

a dickhead, aren�t you?

Show some respect.

Don�t you know me?

Windows! The blackout king!

What�s up with him?

Tranquillized.

They said he had a fit of claustrophobia yesterday.

Then he�ll be fine in jail.

THE GANG

I still remember that moment,

the three of us walking resolutely down the corridor together.

It gives me goosepimples just to think of it.

We were lucky. I�d been there before

and treatment was good.

Everyone was very nice, they made you feel at home as soon as

you crossed the threshold.

Fresh meat, fresh meat!

Fresh meat, fresh meat!

Goodness, what a pretty artiste!

Lucia. My wife.

The times I�ve folded and unfolded it.

Hope it�ll hold out one more time.

I�ve got some pictures too.

My mommy. She died...

I�m sorry.

The "Gioconda"...

A good friend.

Art is God�s greatest gift to us.

Paintings, sculptures... they�re always there.

You can see them when you want and talk to them.

And they talk to us, you know.

If you know how to listen.

This is mine.

Mom said it was my masterpiece.

What do you think, sir?

Don�t call me sir.

But I can�t speak to you as if we�d known each other all our lives.

Of course you can.

Number 1. Lights out!

Number 2. Lights out!

Number 3. Lights out!

Goodnight, lovebirds.

Blood!

Blood!

Blood!

Blood!

Blood!

Everything covered in blood!

The head!

It's been cut off!

There it is!

Where?

There!

Let me out of here! Can�t you see the blood?

Let me out! Let me out!

There�s blood everywhere!

Get me out of here!

Come on, Mazinger.

Think you can manage 200 kilos?

I could lift that with my dick.

Excuse me.

- Excuse me. - What are you doing?

Excuse me...

Are you a faggot?

- No, I don�t think so. - That�s okay with me.

But one thing�s sleeping in the same room...

No, it�s not that.

There�s a mark on your back.

What about it?

Can I come closer?

Sure. It�s a birthmark, sometimes it itches.

It�s incredible.

It�s just like the horse�s head.

This is it, Zorba!

Exactly the same.

It must be a sign from God or something. Don�t you think?

I think I�m going to pass out, Zorba.

Hey, is the real picture as big as this?

Exactly. It�s one of the biggest in the world.

We painted it the same size.

Did you do it alone?

No. With some other prisoners.

Could you paint it again?

For you?

It'd be an honor, Saint.

You�re a genius, Zorba!

I love you!

At last I�ve found it!

Nobody likes prison.

But I�ll always have fond memories of it.

It was where the most exciting time of my life began.

Hi, kid.

Looks like you slept well last night.

Go away.

So you�re the blackout kid.

It was in the papers and all...

Careful. Give it here, you�re bleeding.

I wanted to talk to you.

I�m looking for a team of pros for a job.

Something big to do with art.

Zorba�s in. What do you say?

The "Little Greco," right?

Yeah, the guy�s weird but he�s a genius.

- You�re really good at it. - What?

Peeling potatoes. You can see you�ve got a flair for it.

You�re so good, why not do it alone?

See you around.

Why you little...!

Feeling better now?

Why, was I feeling bad?

Well, yesterday you were rather edgy...

What are you looking at?

I know you...

Did I perhaps see you at the circus?

You saw me?

Yes, I saw you and it was delightful.

You�re one of the few. Nobody ever went to our circus.

Only idiots.

No wonder it folded up, it was so seedy it stank.

You flew like an angel. It was extraordinary.

Could I do your portrait?

I�ve never painted a celebrity.

Go ahead. Draw what you like.

Windows!

Peeled "em all?

You won�t last here for two minutes. I�ll make a deal with you.

My protection and you join us in the robbery.

A robbery? Too much!

See that guy there?

He�s offered me a job laundering cash when I get out.

Jail�s better than a job agency.

You�ll get much more working with us.

No way. I don�t need a bodyguard or anything like that.

Come on, Mazinger! You�re doing great!

Here. What do you think?

I don�t know... Very good.

- What�s that? - My personal vision.

That�s how I see you.

Give me

a patch over one eye.

I�m a pirate at heart.

That�s what I was

in another life.

Is there anything better?

Well...

I don�t know...

What do you mean

you don�t know? Climbing the mast,

feeling the wind on your body...

Think of it.

In your underpants,

moving around, kissing girls, stealing treasures,

and crying, "Land ahoy!"

Land ahoy!

I�m stealing a treasure.

You don�t say!

When I get out of here.

But I can�t say anything. I promised.

I see.

I like you.

Easy, kid. You�re with me now.

- Aren�t you? - Yes! Yes!

You!

You�re dead!

Three months.

I won�t be able to stand it.

You see it on T.V. And you say, "He committed

suicide and he only got three months."

The head!

Let me out of here! Let me out of here!

Let me out of here!

You!

You�re dead!

Dead!

I have to confess.

I think I�ve sinned.

You�re telling me, you jerk!

I nearly

shat myself.

I told Tumbler about the job.

But he can help us.

He was a pirate in another life.

What the fuck, Zorba!

All right.

The four of us.

Damn you, dickhead!

Dumbshit!

Now let�s calm down.

Let me make one thing clear.

If any of you

gets a loose tongue, I�ll cut it out!

First we have to get out of here.

- We'll break out! - Come here. Shut up!

Don�t you shout enough at night?

Breaking out is crazy.

We have to fool the authorities.

From now on we go to all the group activities, however stupid they are.

Not hairdressing though.

What do you mean?

It�s time to cut hair, Tumbler.

We have to earn parole.

Think of that treasure out there.

Keep still. Stop that!

Keep still!

Before going on stage we expel all the air

with a sharp, powerful cry. So...

And...

It�s a physical way of expelling those fears and tensions

and focalizing on our character.

I discovered my vocation as an actor and learned many things.

We all did.

We were model prisoners. We led the rest.

Perhaps we weren�t top of the class.

But we did sit in the front row.

Drugs may act as a defense

against the stress of prison life,

but they finally take over, destroying...

- Are they giving us methadone? - Yeah, are they?

The best part of all that stuff is that time flies by.

Except for the Saint, who was having a bad time

since Mazinger came out of the infirmary.

You!

I�m back!

The Saint

was right. Windows, Tumbler and I

were about to get out before the kid had learned to peel potatoes.

Give it here. You�ll kill yourself.

We can�t wait any longer.

Start without me. Windows can do the technical part,

the others can do the field work.

When do you get out?

I don�t like the idea of that beast killing you. I�d feel guilty...

Don�t worry. He hasn�t got the balls for it...

Saint!

Time to die!

Mazinger!

That day, I knew how David must have felt when he defeated Goliath.

Like a giant!

It was like a biblical punishment.

Even his tonsils got fried.

But he was lucky anyhow.

God�s punishments are terrible and usually end in death.

You know

how many die in the Bible?

God only uses force

when necessary, but when He does,

watch out!

I never thought I�d miss a blabbermouth, but...

Who do you mean?

How many can you see here?

Listen, Zorba.

When you go to the museum,

be discreet about it.

It�s important not to attract people�s attention.

Don�t worry, Saint. Leave it to me.

What the hell�s that?

They call anything art.

Let�s test their security.

Go ahead.

That thing there must be a sensor, don�t you think?

- Let�s take a picture. - Okay.

Now that�s art, Tumbler. That�s art.

It�s like talking with God.

Talking with God.

We�ll have to talk with God to get that out of here.

Then I saw why God had given me

my gift as an artist.

To help one of His chosen ones in his crusade.

I prayed for enlightenment

and spiritual strength.

Is that the horse?

Over a bit.

And He sent me Tumbler.

The Saint got out soon after.

Luchi!

And his wife gave him a surprise with the help of a few old friends.

It came just in time.

Just in time.

The robbery, I mean.

If I�d been a bit older, I might not...

You�re not old anyway.

This is the robbery, Luc�a. Therobbery.

When you meet the gang...

Fine people, highly qualified...

THE PLAN

What's that?

I don�t remember. Give it here.

Shit!

- Another black one! - Zorba didn�t

use the flash when I told him.

Who�s that?

A very nice oriental woman who asked us

something in the museum patio.

Couldn�t understand a word,

but very pretty. I like that type.

Supper�s almost ready.

- Tumbler took it. - She fancied me...

Careful!

Exaggerations often sound like lies.

- How is everything? - It�s a start. It�s okay.

You�ve got more material, right?

Of course! Here, take this.

Hey, Tumbler...

This is first-class material!

You should have said before.

A poster of the painting.

Postcards of the painting.

A T-shirt with the painting.

Great! And what have we here?

A mug with the painting!

From the shop.

We wrote down the prices.

And also

- the number of guards. - Twenty-four.

No, forty-eight.

You counted twice.

All right, all right.

Let�s stay calm.

It�s essential for the job.

Windows, tell us what you�ve got. Anything.

Windows!

Oh, yeah, Saint. Well...

Thanks for everything in jail, but as soon as I got out,

I started getting offers and me and Mom were thinking

of accepting a scholarship in programming in the U.S.

- With good job prospects... - What the hell

are you talking about?

You�re quitting?

It�s just...

not really worth it for me...

And with this great team you don�t need me.

Let him go!

The three of us will manage,

right, Saint?

Excuse me a minute.

Now look,

these beers

are the guards at the doors,

and these peanuts

are the ones inside the rooms.

One, two, three,

- four, five... - Right,

but we need the olives.

They were in the corridors and the giftshop.

Yeah, right,

in that case the chips were in the patio.

Look...

What are you doing? You just ate the...

Hey, have you seen the way the kid looks at you?

Now stop that.

You�re imagining things. Santo, he�s only a kid.

And hornier than a bitch in heat.

So what am I supposed to do about it? Dress like a nun?

No, honey. Actually the opposite...

What?

He needs motivating

about the robbery...

And you want me to do the motivating?

That�s what you want, isn�t it?

I need that kid.

You can�t get anywhere without programming nowadays.

Listen, I�ve got some good news for you.

I�ve decided Luc�a will join the group and take Windows" place.

Let�s drink to success.

Supper.

Shit...!

I�ll serve.

You first. You�re a growing boy.

Oh, sorry!

I�m so clumsy.

Let me clean it.

Luc�a, why don�t you sit down

and I�ll serve supper?

But first, another toast.

To Windows.

Good luck, kid.

I�ll miss you, honey.

Thanks...

Though I haven�t actually said yes yet.

My mom�s more interested than me...

While I decide to stay

or not, take a look at this.

Oh, no, not that.

Could be an interesting contact.

An ex-secret service agent on the Web.

He sells information he stole

from the Service.

His codename�s

Deep Throat.

We could arrange to see him...

That's very good.

Let�s talk to this Deep Throat.

It�s hot.

Luc�a!

The kid knows how to eat.

Deep Throat will be in the third row, in sunglasses.

What are you

- doing here? - We only get

the dirty work.

"Tight Holes." Great, I wouldn�t want to miss that.

Here I am. Did I miss anything?

- They must be up to the third screw. - Come on, let�s go inside.

What are you doing, idiot? I can�t see a thing.

I can see a lot.

Deep Throat?

I�m the "Saint."

Don�t tell me anything. Are these your people?

An elite group, the "Saint�s" men.

Yeah, that�s right.

I hate missing the start of a film.

What�s it about?

I expect Windows sent you an e-mail about what we want.

Yes, and I told him

you're all crazy.

I don�t want your opinion.

- I want information. - Don�t be offended, Saint.

But it�s obvious you�re all out of

your fucking minds, though from one point of view, that�s your strength.

I wish you luck in your enterprise.

you�re getting all edgy.

I don�t know if this is for kids.

Here�s everything.

Alarms, plans, the names of the guards at the museum.

Even the names of the cleaners.

Come and see me when you want. This is my office, open 24-7.

Great, Throat.

Run! Run!

Hurry, Tumbler, two keys to go!

- 12 seconds to reach the third one! - Hurry, damn it!

No, to the right!

You listen to her, Tumbler.

Lucia�s right.

Shit!

Do they beat you like that?

They�re from "Slaughter 13."

I�m getting depressed.

Right.

Now we all know that as such the plan won�t work.

Let�s go back over it point by point.

To find the mistake. Listen carefully.

Tumbler needs 20 minutes

to climb up the sculpture into the air duct,

cross the building

to the room where

the painting is

and knock out the ceiling sensors

that detect movement.

Movement, you understand?

Right.

Let�s go on.

Meanwhile,

we look after the three guards who patrol

that floor, and we get the keys

they use to reset the alarm every half hour

because all the alarms in the museum will go off

if the keys aren�t used.

- Everybody agree? - Right.

Right. Now we�re in the room

and the picture�s there.

With the camera opposite.

That�s right. And Windows will neutralize the camera from the truck.

I�ll make a tape of the room

with nobody in it and send

the signal to their surveillance system.

Then, when everything looks normal,

we go in, take the picture down,

take it off the frame, roll it up and position

Zorba�s copy. And that takes, Luc�a?

1 hour 40.

Plus the 20...

That�s 2 hours.

Just in time for the cleaners, who get in at 11 P.M.,

to catch us red-handed.

- Let�s forget the copy. - Impossible, Windows.

We might fool the cameras but if the cleaners see the room empty,

we�re fucked.

So?

There�s only one way.

Leave it on the frame.

Are you crazy or something?

He�s right! The picture�s

the biggest fucking problem.

- How about the door? - Or the window.

Windows!

That�s it, Windows!

That�s the idea.

We get it out through one of the patio windows,

and then somehow onto the roof.

What�s this Chinese girl doing?

Please, Luc�a, that�s not particularly important...

Was she in the museum?

She was in the patio.

I picked her up.

That�s spoiled our concentration. You want to know anything else?

Not about the Chinese girl.

But I do about the crane behind.

Jerk!

Who�s going to give me a kiss?

Me, Luc�a, me. And all of us! Down, kid, down!

Look.

There it is.

Put there for us

by the hand of God in heaven.

Sure, but for my photo though...

That�s it. You can do it. Keep trying.

Our mission was near impossible

but we prepared thoroughly.

During that time we attended to 1001 details.

I want a trailer capable of carrying an 8-meter poster.

Will that old one do?

SAY NO TO NATO! BASES OUT!

I need

animal tranquillizers.

For what weight?

Yours, more or less.

34 seconds. Perfect, Tumbler. Now the last lap.

I became Tumbler's scourge

and he became my dedicated assistant.

From what I�ve seen

during our training sessions, you have certain

problems to enter the tube.

I�m not that fat!

No, my friend. It�s not that.

I mean that

if you�re to cross the museum via the air ducts,

you may have a sudden fit of anxiety like in jail.

You know what I mean.

No, I don�t know what you mean.

Why deny it?

It�s all right.

We all have problems.

Let�s try something.

So that you�ll get used to being

in the pipe...

Zorba?

Are you there?

Of course I am, Tumbler. Don�t worry.

I�ll be with you all night, talking to you,

reassuring you...

Have you ever heard the story of Jonah inside the whale?

Our first problem was a technological one.

They say technology�s the Devil�s ally.

Now let�s see, Windows, let�s see.

If you�ve recorded what the camera picks up,

what the hell�s the problem?

I can�t put the tape into the surveillance system from here.

We�ll have to put it in by hand. It won�t be hard.

What do you mean?

You�re supposed to be the genius!

What�s the use of the machinery?

It�s nice and warm.

Ma'am...

There�s the jar in case you want to put some more in.

- You shouldn�t have. - It�s no trouble.

Honey, set the video for me later.

They�re showing a lovely romantic film.

- Okay, Mom, but we�re busy right now. - My lovely boy!

Good night.

- My mom... - I know.

Now get this.

I captured that signal,

so that makes me the master of the Net...

So what do you suggest?

Didn�t you hear me?

We need somebody in the control room

to stick our recording in.

Somebody? Who the hell is "somebody"?

Oops, sorry.

Yes, yes...

No, that�s all right.

That�s that.

The bastard's feeling her up!

What! Give me those!

The swine!

I�ll kill that guy!

They�ve only just met! When all this

is over, I�ll kill him!

Aren�t you in bed?

Oh, it�s you...

I fell asleep watching T.V.

What time is it?

- How did it go? - Fine.

I�m turning into a real Mata Hari.

What happened with that guy?

He�s very green.

He only talks about Martians.

Invasions by E.T. S and all that crap.

He�s like a big kid.

I thought I�d forget how to get off,

but it�s like riding a bike.

I�ve been taming wild animals for years now.

You�ll have to tell me

how to change the tape. It looks complicated to me.

Did you go in?

I didn�t even have to ask him.

He insisted.

They get very lonely there all night.

Anyway, the robbery, when is it?

We don�t exactly know yet. No definite date.

Make it before Friday.

What?

Yes, they�re closing the museum from this weekend.

From this...?

Yes, for 15,

20 days.

Shit, Luc�a.

For a minute I thought we�d have to bring it all forward.

I haven�t looked for a buyer for the picture yet...

They�re changing their security system.

Alarms, keys, cameras...

Everything.

Santo.

What�s the matter, Santo?

Santo.

How�s the picture?

Still working on it.

We have to do the job now.

Tell Zorba to finish the picture today. Is that clear?

As clear as the aches and pains in my every bone.

Throat?

Hey, Saint.

Come to see the movie?

It�s a classic.

I don�t understand too much...

Though it�s not exactly Bergman.

Sure...

Throat,

got any customers for us?

Still the same subject?

Everything�s ready.

But no buyer, right?

Yes. No. We�ve got a buyer.

A sheik who�s really interested in the goods.

Yeah, and a Texan millionaire too, right?

Okay, so we haven�t got a buyer, so to speak...

But the job�s set for Friday.

If you can steal it,

I can sell it.

Come on!

you�re joking.

I never joke about business.

I hope you don�t either.

Not at all.

What money are we talking?

Well...

The goods aren�t so easy to unload.

It�ll have to be a small amount... let�s say...

500,000,000!

500,000,000! 500,000,000!

Very nice, Tumbler, very nice.

Zorba, we must celebrate.

Sure. I�ve got some good plonk around here.

What�s the matter, Saint?

Where�s that wine?

Ah, you�ve seen the picture.

That�s... that�s the picture?

Sure it is. Well?

Better than the other.

Let them say it, Tumbler. Don't influence them.

Zorba! This is...

Wonderful!

you�re a great artist, Zorba.

You see? I told you they�d like it. It�s fantastic!

What... do you think, Saint?

It's fucking great,

but isn�t the original more black and white?

There was no color then! Wait.

People will like this one better.

The other�s shit. Look.

This is my personal vision.

I had to give you

something more. I couldn�t

just make a mere copy.

I listened to it

and this is what it told me.

Can I be alone?

Is something wrong?

No, nothing�s wrong, Zorba.

Tell me... what the picture said to you.

It told us... It wouldn�t have been possible without Tumbler.

This is shit, Saint.

I said alone, Windows.

I need to think. To concentrate.

Well think a little harder.

I don�t want to spoil the 500,000,000 party,

but I forgot to set the video for Mom the other night.

I don�t give a shit.

I don�t either really.

But she got it right for the first time

and recorded "Fried Green Tomatoes" over our tape.

What?

Now we�ve got no recording and no time to make another. That�s all.

This is the robbery, Saint.

There�s no other.

Better think of something. You�ll never have a chance like this again.

Actually I got the idea from the mural in jail.

But those were vulgar people, common criminals

who rejected innovation and only let me

- take tins of paint... - Perfect!

Listen. Tomorrow

this picture will be ours!

THE ROBBERY

REINA SOFIA NATIONAL MUSEUM, JULY30TH, 1997

Make way, doll!

Open the gate, you clown!

Hello? "National World"?

Listen up.

Tonight something really big's going to happen.

World-shattering history in the making.

So stay on your toes.

What is all this? Is this a joke?

It�s no fucking joke!

Is this a terrorist group?

No, it�s private.

Just stay on your toes.

Enough chat.

A joke! A joke!

EX-S.S. AGENT FERNANDO BAEZA ARRESTED

Can�t anything I do go right?

Son-of-a-bitch!

Right, that�s that.

I�ve still got a lot to do.

It gets harder and harder to restore this mug.

Don�t say that.

You�re one of the most...

The sexiest woman I�ve ever seen.

Here, this is for you.

- Thanks. - No!

It�s a repellent.

Made with chilies.

One squirt and the guy gets a face like Freddie Krueger�s.

Made in Korea!

That painting must be really important to the Saint.

If I was married to you,

I wouldn�t let anyone touch you.

Speaking of the Saint, it�s time to call him.

What the fuck is it now?

Everything okay, Saint?

Why shouldn�t it be?

So we put the plan into action?

That�s right, into action.

Cellphones off and contact by radio only from now on.

Excuse me, sir.

The museum�s closed.

Come along, please.

Tumbler�s on the tracer.

Copy me, Tumbler?

Perfectly. Where do I have to go?

It�s me...

2nd floor, room 4. There�s a loony here. Send reinforcements.

2nd floor, room 10, I�m on my way.

Are you going?

It�s a loony, right?

He�s butt naked.

Watch out he doesn�t come after you.

Tumbler.

Now's the time.

Get climbing.

We could all be him.

I�m him, you�re him too...

Hey, you filthy pig. What are you both doing stark naked?

We�re all him, we can all be him.

We can all be him...

Stop, come here you goofball.

Pick up his clothes. Come here.

You can be him too!

How was I?

Being naked, it was hard getting into character.

Windows, everything okay here. I�m going after the 3rd guard.

Can you hear me?

Now that�s much better.

A disguise helps you get into character much better.

Yes. Windows?

Saint, we got a problem...

What? What do you mean?

What problem?

Damn it, this is full of shit!

I�m not going in there.

But those ducts are always clean.

Clean?

It�s full of giant cockroaches!

We didn�t expect this, Saint. In films

you can eat in them.

Windows, give me Tumbler.

Tumbler, do you read me?

Well listen up and cut the crap!

Full of shit or not,

either you get in there

or the plan�s fucked!

I don�t care.

I wouldn�t go in there drunk.

Windows,

let me try.

Tumbler,

remember those nights in the box?

You got over your fears.

It was different in the box.

It was clean and hearing your voice reassured me.

We can do the same now if you like.

I�ll talk and you close your eyes

while Windows tells you which way to go.

All right, Zorba.

Start talking.

Once upon a time, there was a tiny man

who at heart was

the greatest pirate

ever known.

Now this brave pirate

went after a great treasure

at the end of a tunnel which would allow him

to buy a ship of his very own.

What a crap story.

Tumbler the Corsair,

for that was the pirate�s name...

Windows, we�re falling behind. I�m going after the 3rd guard.

Tell Luc�a to start now.

She just left.

Open up, you bastard, I�m half-naked here.

Yes?

Fernando.

Open up, it�s me.

Come on, honey,

open the door.

And Tumbler gathered

all his courage, which was a lot...

Right, now turn to the right.

... in the ship he was going to rescue the princess from.

Relax, Tumbler.

Right I said!

How do I know which way�s right?

I�m nervous enough as it is!

The hand you write with.

I�ve never written a word in my life.

The hand you use to eat with.

That�s no good either. I use both.

Surprise!

Well, what do you say?

Pizza. It�s called pizza.

How you doing?

Do I know you?

I�m new. My name�s Carlos. It�s my first night.

How come nobody told me you�d joined us?

Didn�t they tell you?

Anyway, they said you like coffee.

I hate coffee.

And then,

the Princess

of Maracaibo said...

- to Tumbler... - Stop, Tumbler!

You�re there.

Well done, Tumbler!

The rest should be

easy for you.

Sure, but what did the princess say?

As I�m new, they must be having me on.

- What was your name again? - Antonio.

Right, Antonio, will you tell me your code name, please?

Or was it Carlos?

Son-of-a-bitch!

What are you doing, you bastard? Let me go!

I�ll kill you, you son-of-a-bitch!

I�ll kill you!

I�ll kill you!

Hold on tight, Fernando.

Zorba!

Come and get the keys!

Fuck you!

Windows, first sensor kaput.

The Saint�s in trouble. Someone give him a hand.

Zorba!

Zorba!

Zorba!

Help the Saint!

What shall I do?

Zorba, take the keys and reset the alarms! Jesus!

Ok, but no blaspheming.

- No blaspheming. - Goddammit!

Shit, Zorba...

Windows, where�s the other one?

Let go of me,

son-of-a-bitch!

I�ll get you, you bastard!

You�re a replicant! I knew it, you�re a replicant.

Come here.

That�s it.

Windows. How�s the Saint doing?

Come here!

Fernando!

Help!

Help!

Fernando!

Help!

Fernando!

Is that you, Virgilio?

I can�t understand you.

Nothing looks wrong.

Everything�s fine, Fernando. Just checking on you.

Have an anaesthetic.

He�s always

busting my balls.

Where you going, pussycat?

You�re very busy, tiger. You could get in trouble.

No way, baby.

Nobody�ll come here.

You want to go back to your planet, right?

I know what you are!

A sex-hungry lizard from "V"!

Don�t you worry, earth guys are easy.

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

What�s that? What�s that?

What�s that? What�s that?

Where are you from?

Where are you from?

What a freak!

Now those keys, Saint.

- Don�t screw this up, Tumbler. - Easy, man.

I know the way by heart.

This packs quite a punch.

Windows? If a key got lost, would it matter?

What do you mean?

Windows, I�m on the stairs.

Thank God, Luc�a...

Why, is something wrong?

Tumbler�s lost a key.

I may have to tell the Saint.

That'd kill him! Don�t tell him, it�s kill him!

How's it going?

Fine. The crane�s ready.

What about Tumbler?

It�s all okay, Saint. Don�t worry.

We�re going to make it, Zorba!

Now where did he lose it?

No idea!

Where did he get it? Have you looked there?

Where is it?

Where is it?

Tumbler, stop looking.

Go and reset the other two alarms!

Shit, I can�t see it!

- Tumbler, move. Luc�a found the key! - Great!

I�m going!

Windows, I�m all mixed up. How do I get to the room?

- Windows, Windows! - I�m coming.

Windows! Windows!

The key, Tumbler. The key!

What about the crane?

Turn around.

Windows, it�s stopped!

The next door, Tumbler.

No, not there! Get out of there!

Will you get a hold of yourself!

- I'm getting giddy. - The crane!

To your right!

Don�t start that. Which right?

What do you mean? To your right!

Windows!

- The next door. Don�t... - I know, dammit!

No, you don�t. To your right!

I�m here. Can I help?

- What�s going on? - Nothing. It�s okay.

- Turn back! - "Turn back..."

- "Turn back!" - Turn back!

There again? Are you stupid or what?

Not that way!

Turn around or it�s no good!

- Not that way! - Fuck off!

Not that way!

Fernando? Fernando?

The cockroach, the cockroach.

They�re here, they�re here!

No-one ever said crossing the desert was easy.

Or that Moses" spirits never flagged.

But I prayed that the Saint would receive some sign

to illuminate our path again.

The Reina Sof�a is to close from today for alterations.

No re-opening date has been given.

Nothing.

In the "Aragon Herald" either.

Or in the "Mountain News"

or the "Murcia Truth". It�s being hushed up.

Hey, look!

A baby with three heads!

Three-headed!

All right!

That face rings a bell...

It�s Throat!

Are you sure?

"Fernando Baeza fingers the King

in currency trafficking

with the Vatican."

- He�s out of his head! - Santo,

did you hear that?

Yes, so what?

"So what?"

Even if we�d got the picture out, we wouldn�t

- have had an intermediary. - We�d have found a buyer anyway.

Where, in Yellow Pages?

So what? We�ve got nothing to sell.

When did they get him?

Yesterday afternoon. Now will you just drop the subject?

That was before we went into the museum.

So we did all that for nothing!

For not reading the papers.

Like my new office?

I preferred the other.

This has got its advantages.

How about

our business?

That�s what I came to tell you about.

I may be a loser but I�m not a coward.

We fucked up.

Well, actually I fucked up.

I was the idiot who had the idea and lied to everybody,

all for a moment of glory. That�s all it was.

I even pushed my wife into prostitution

to appear in the papers.

I�m a piece of shit, Throat.

I see

your self-esteem is on a high.

But tell me

what happened in the museum.

We tore it.

What did you tear?

The picture. We tore it to shreds.

Think it�s funny?

Don�t you?

If this gets out,

our dear government will look like a bunch of clowns.

Fuck me!

You? You fucked them, all by yourself.

All by yourself.

You�ve destroyed

a universal gem! And the minister�s retirement!

I�d love to see their faces!

What you should have seen

was the piece we took.

It looks like a doll,

the kind you hang on people�s backs

You took a piece of the picture?

It�s at home.

A genius!

You�re a genius!

The perfect plan!

- Sorry, but I don�t follow you... - I told you

I could sell it.

But I didn�t tell you who to.

That�s true, you didn�t.

To the government.

They�d buy it to avoid the scandal.

Wait, wait. Then...

We double the price.

1,000,000,000!

But this time I�ll arrange the exchange.

You�ll be dealing with old colleagues of mine. And real bastards.

The exchange

mustn�t be discreet,

but in a place full of people.

You have to be conspicuous.

Stand out as much as possible.

Did you know your flight�s delayed over 30 hours?

Look, I reserved a month in advance for a 6-day vacation.

If they fuck up a single hour of my vacation, I�ll kill them!

Spain Airlines announces that Flight 534

for Canc�n, has been delayed due to operative reasons.

Horsehead?

Seen anybody else dressed this way?

There was another clown before...

Our instructions were clear.

Two people at most.

So wiseguy and ugly... out.

Okay, so we�ve seen the suit.

What we can�t see is the goods. Got it on you?

And have you got the money on you?

- You�ll see it later. - No.

Right now.

A travelling bag full of unmarked, used bills, as agreed.

They all open up to me!

These are my stockings!

Everybody, freeze!

- My God, don�t hurt me! - Hands up!

What do you want? There�s no money here!

Keep quiet, we won�t take long.

I wouldn�t be so sure. This thing�s out of a museum.

- I don�t know what system they use... - Don�t hurt me...

This is all junk. It�s crap.

It�s all over 10 years old!

What do you mean crap? It�s the same old story, Julian,

a shoestring budget and then look

what they spend on the control tower!

What the fuck has that...?

The tickets to Rio?

First class?

As agreed.

Now give us the picture.

Right away.

Is this fucking line moving or what?

Waiting over half an hour! You won�t fuck up my vacations!

You bastards! You�re all bastards!

Mariachi here!

Who are you, buddy?

Mariachi, mariachi.

Horsehead here.

Bring the guitar.

Now let�s get this clear.

The mariachi brings the goods...

The guitar.

Yeah, the guitar.

He brings it, you give him the travelling bag and let him go.

Negative. The mariachi stays put

until we�ve made sure the guitar�s genuine.

All right, I�ll cancel the operation.

Just a minute.

Okay. The mariachi can go.

But you stay here with us while we check.

No problem.

Have you been waiting long?

- What did you say? - Are you going to Mexico?

Is it my Tijuana accent?

Right, now the maintenance panel, electrical supply.

No.

- What do you mean no? - Yeah.

I�m sorry but I can�t do it.

Is this guy crazy or what?

This section is my responsibility.

I can�t jeopardise the safety of the airport.

Zacar�as, do you want these guys to kill us all?

We�re all going to die!

Don�t worry, Jos� Luis, everything'll be all right.

Hey, that�s up to me to decide!

- Move or I�ll blow your brains out! - Come on!

That�s not a real gun.

It�s a toy replica.

I gave my son one just like it

for his birthday.

A toy, eh?

Looks like that mariachi stopped to sing some rancheras.

Tell me...

Do you really think you�ll get away?

Mister!

Why did you have to go and fire it by his ear?

They�re blanks!

Well you almost burst his eardrum. Hey!

I cannot stand violence.

Will you shut your fucking mouth, you big baby?

They�re just amateurs.

Hey, show some respect!

You�d better find the right way to black everything out...

- That�s what I�m trying to do! - Hey!

Hey!

How are you?

We missed you!

The bag, and let him go.

Go, go, go!

What�s going on?

Get the little girl!

Here we are, buddy.

Give Luc�a a kiss for me.

Now, Windows, now!

Now!

Turn the lights off!

Now!

If I can find the switch!

If I only had my notes here...

- We�ve played at spies long enough. - Windows! Windows!

Windows!

- Can you hear me? - What�s that?

- I�ll go and find him! - Are you crazy?

Goddammit!

Stop! Bring that car back!

Come on, dickhead, outside.

Friends, they�re taking me away because I complained!

I demand the right to fly on time!

And I say enough already!

Haven�t we paid for our tickets?

If they show us violence,

we�ll show them violence!

Let�s take this fucking airport apart!

Get the pilots! Don�t let them get away!

Smash the counters, all of them!

The shops, ransack the shops!

Damn everyone and anything!

I�ll ram this down your throat!

- Santo, get on! - Let�s go!

Go!

Let go, son-of-a-bitch!

Out of the way! Out of the way!

Let�s get out of here!

This is mine "cos I say so. Any problem?

I�ll put it in a bag.

- That�s very dangerous. - Very.

Trying to confuse me?

No. Zacar�as is right, kid.

If you do that you could cause real problems on the runways.

To turn all the lights off,

press F1 and you go back to "general parameters."

- Where are we going? - How should I know?

- Turn around! - Over here!

I�ve got the clown!

That way!

Hold on!

The door!

- The door! - I see it!

Stop or I�ll fire!

The shop at the end! Let�s get everything!

What�s the solution to the problems here?

Solution?

The only solution�s to blow it up! Destroy it!

God, not again! Fuck off!

The tires! Shoot at the tires!

Yes, the tires!

They�ll kill us!

Destroy it! Blow it up!

Our hero! Our hero!

Our hero! Our hero!

Damn Windows. Everything but the lights!

You were saying?

Yes! I did it! I�m the greatest. Fuck you, wiseguys!

We did it. We certainly did.

As you know there are

many ways of leaving a country.

Each one did it his way.

The tickets for Rio

were only a clever decoy.

The only one who took a plane was Tumbler.

Viva Mexico!

The Reina Sof�a opened its doors again as if nothing had happened.

But if you ever go there

and you look carefully...

You�ll see our tracks through history... and through the picture.

However, we never returned the piece.

That was Throat�s condition.

He said it was like "having the government permanently by the balls."

The government is not to question a report by experts

at the Reina Sof�a Museum.

The painting�s delicate state with the cracks seen here

makes it highly unadvisable to transfer it

to the Guggenheim Museum.

Not only can it not be transferred,

but it cannot be moved

from the Reina Sof�a.

And though our adventure was hushed up,

it still speaks for itself.

THE GREATEST ROBBERY EVER TOLD

Land ahoy!

Land ahoy!

Thar she blows!

Board her lads! Board her!

Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum!

Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum!

To you, Lupita. Every time I look at you

I believe in ranches, I believe in Hugo S�nchez. I love Mexico!

Give me a kiss!

Mom, please!

- Who�s my beautiful boy?

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