Original subtitles

(ice clanging)

(blender revving)

(blender revving)

(blender revving)

(alarm beeping)

- [TV] Promoters of the new convenience

now available to customers.

And work closely with Edison

that promote the wonderful benefits of electricity.

♪ Crazy, hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people, living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe, it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love, and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

- So, what was wrong with your day?

- Oh, because it's coming to the end now, the show,

and like, I'm really upset because,

on the last show...

- [OZZY] Yeah.

- I have to get off the set by 1:30

'cause they've got somebody else coming on

to use my fucking set that's on my bill,

that I fucking paid for.

- Well, make sure they can't use it.

Pull the fucking thing down.

- I can't.

They've got my crew working on somebody else that day

and the guys are so pissed off.

- [OZZY] Well Sharon, you know what you should do,

just do your commitment and then say,

see ya, and then walk out.

- It's so cheap, it's so nasty...

- Well Sharon, that's what the business is about.

You're fucking yesterday's news to them now.

But that's the way it goes Sharon.

One minute you're on everybody's hot list,

and then the ax comes down

and then you're yesterday's news.

You're over.

- Ozzy, I'm not like angry about that

and I know you're right.

I've learned a lot, they've paid me.

- I'll tell you what you should do

to cheer yourself up is go tell them to fuck themselves.

(slow guitar music)

- [TONY] Sharon, it's Carrie on the phone for you.

- Carrie?

Oh you'll have to tell her I'm in closed door meetings.

They're calling 'cause I'm late.

Say, I'm very sorry, she's in,

tell her this, say, I'm very sorry,

she's in the room with Simon Cowell right now

and I can't interrupt.

- [TONY] Do you want me to say that?

- Oh yeah.

- [TONY] She's in the room with Simon Cowell right now

in a closed meeting and she doesn't

want to be disturbed in there.

- So, I'm going in late today.

I'm so pissed off at them,

so I'm turning up late today.

'Cause they're trying to come in under budget,

'cause it's over, so they're trying to pull

and pull and pull and come in under budget.

So, if I go in really late, that'll do them.

- I'll tell her that.

- [SHARON] I get there when I get there.

- All right, bye.

Sharon, she says that the show's starting at three.

- [SHARON] Becca.

- [TONY] Rebecca.

- [SHARON] So, they just got Hillary to call.

- [BECCA] Yes, what did she say?

I need to know.

- [SHARON] No, I told Tony to say

I'm in a meeting with Simon Cowell,

I couldn't be disturbed.

- Shut up.

- [TONY] So, I told her that.

- Oh, that's so bad.

I love it.

Oh, they're freaking out, huh?

- Well, it's 'cause it's costing them money.

I might take a bath before I go

or mow the lawn or...

You should wind Hillary up,

you should call her back and say,

actually Sharon's asked me to call you

to tell you that...

- [TONY] Be there about five to five.

- Be there about five, yeah.

But she will be camera ready.

- So, I wanted to call you because

Sharon was chatting with me

and I really don't think she's gonna be there

before 5 o'clock, but she said she will be camera ready.

You have three shows today?

Holy moly.

All right, I'm sorry.

She's on her way.

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] One fucking year.

- Did they do any like bonus's or anything for you, Sharon?

- [SHARON] Yeah, check's in the fucking post.

Nothing.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Not even a ham or a turkey?

- [SHARON] No, nothing.

- Christina says, do you not want her

to schedule anymore meet and greets?

- [SHARON] No.

- Okay.

- [SHARON] I ain't fucking meeting

and I ain't fucking greeting.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] And that's it.

- [SHARON] And that's it.

- [MELINDA] Please do not schedule any more.

- What else can we say?

I want my Gimlet served out of Minolo Blonik's.

Is that good?

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] What's that?

- My Gimlet served out of Minolo Blonik's.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Yeah.

- And I want the Aligator ones

that are like $3,000 a pair.

- [MELINDA] Sharon has asked that a bartender be available

at the set from tomorrow to serve gin Gimlets.

Preferably she would prefer to drink the Gimlet

from a Minolo Blonik.

- [SHARON] And tell her that I will stay

and finish my commitment but I need money up front.

I have to pay my AMEX.

- Are you serious?

$200,000?

- I must have it by Friday.

No, I want it by tomorrow.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Bullshit, by the end of the day.

- I'm with you.

By the end of the day.

Otherwise I'm not doing the second show.

- Okay.

- Come on Melinda, you can do it.

- [MELINDA] Serious?

What time is it?

- Call her now.

- [MELINDA] Okay.

You are absolutely serious, aren't you?

- Yes, as a fucking heart attack.

- Hello, is Hillary available?

It's Melinda.

Good thanks, how are you?

Sharon just wanted me to let you know

that to stay around she actually wants $200,000

by 6 o'clock otherwise she's not doing the second show

or ever coming back here again, is that okay?

- No, saying as I have been so good humored

after all the embarrassment,

after all the back pedaling,

I need a favor and I need money.

It's my money, I just need it up front.

- Thank you, bye.

- You're leaving me out of the conversation.

Just because I've been fired,

you don't have to leave me out of everything.

(upbeat music)

Last fucking day.

- [DRIVER] This is a big ordeal.

People were camping out here since midnight.

- Are you winding me up?

- [DRIVER] No, I'm serious.

- [SHARON] Yeah?

- [DRIVER] On Sunset.

Sleeping in front of the gates,

to get to your show.

- To my show?

Get out.

- [DRIVER] I swear, these people were camping out

from midnight to this morning

to be first in line.

- [SHARON] No.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Sharon, it's your last day.

I'm gonna miss seeing you everyday.

I'm kinda sad.

- [SHARON] You are?

- Aren't you, I mean a little bit?

No, hell no.

You ain't sad.

- I think I feel a song coming on.

Yes.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Bye, bye, baby.

(upbeat music)

- I just wanna take a couple of minutes

to thank everybody for making my dream come true.

I had a dream that I wanted to have my own show.

I've come a long way.

I've learned an awful lot

and now I feel I'm ready to go onto other things.

Thank you all so much.

Have a great summer everyone

and I love you and god bless you all.

Thank you.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)

- This vase full of shells can go as well.

- All right, bye guys.

All right, let's see what we've got.

Let's take the flowers.

Oh, I do wanna take my mugs.

What's this?

Get that fucking juice extractor at home.

- We're not gonna be able to steal it,

'cause they're walking around,

they're following me, watching everything

that's being taken out.

Dave already got caught

trying to knick some stuff off the back wall.

- Are they really following us around?

Can't we get that fucking table?

- [ASSISTANT] What is it you want in there?

- This little white table from the kitchen.

- [MELINDA] Sharon, are you insane right now?

- No, why?

What did I do?

- Just take the fucking roof with you.

- I feel like a fucking bachelor.

I'm the only fucker that's ever here.

(Sharon laughing)

You've got nine lives.

You like the sunshine.

(Sharon laughing)

(Sharon laughing)

- [SHARON] Come on Magdelina.

It's nice to be home.

Daddy.

Jack, Kelly, could you come downstairs,

I'm home, I need to talk to you guys,

come on down.

Jack, Jack.

Jack.

- Yeah.

- [SHARON] Could you just come here a minute.

- [JACK] What have I done now?

Yeah mom?

- [SHARON] Ozzy, wanted to show Dave your studio.

Kel, could you come in and see me, just two minutes.

Jack.

- Yes mom.

♪ Til your mother comes home ♪

- [SHARON] Kelly.

- [KELLY] What.

(upbeat music)

(slow piano music)

- Double check just to make sure the water level's down.

- [PLUMBER] It is.

(slow opera music)

(drill revving)

(upbeat music)

- [PLUMBER] State of the art stuff here.

Look, it's going up by itself.

- [OZZY] It's a fucking robotic toilet.

Can it wipe your ass as well?

- [SAM] It won't work unless you're sitting on it.

- [OZZY] And more fucking buttons.

- Like the dryer, hear it?

You can actually feel it through your pants.

- [OZZY] How much did it cost?

- [SAM] $60,000, or something like that.

- [OZZY] Fucking hell, Sharon.

- I've just had my new toilet delivered.

I just sat on a warm seat

and it was brilliant.

As you go in, the lid moves up for you.

So you don't even have to pick the lid up.

- Can I get one?

- Yeah, I think we should have them

put in every room in the house.

- [KELLY] They clean your ass for you, don't they?

- [SHARON] Yeah.

- I definitely need one.

- And blow dry it too.

- Shut up, really?

- Yeah, there's a blow dryer.

- Is that called douching, mom?

- No.

- That's squirting water up your ass.

- No, but it's fantastic to sit on a warm seat.

It's fabulous.

- See, but you know, the smell of shit

on a warm seat, doesn't sound appealing to me.

- [OZZY] It's a fucking toilet.

This has gotta be fucking stuffed.

- [SHARON] No, it's fabulous.

- How much did you lose.

- [SHARON] A shit load of money.

- [OZZY] Fucking hell, Shars.

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] It's very beautiful.

- [OZZY] That's crap.

♪ It feels so right to be with you again ♪

- [SHARON] I love that.

- She spends a lot of money.

♪ No one else can love me like you do ♪

♪ I wish this moment would never end ♪

- [SHARON] Do you like the pink one?

- [OZZY] No.

- [SHARON] No?

- [OZZY] I don't like any of it.

- [SHARON] Where are you going?

- [KELLY] Out.

- Not like that.

Kelly, you cannot go out like that.

Please don't.

Halloween is not til fucking October,

you cannot go out like that.

- Way to make someone feel like shit mom.

- [SHARON] It's not appropriate Kelly.

Please baby.

- Okay, seriously mother.

You're like the worst dresser

in the whole entire world

and you're telling me, you don't like what I have on?

Like me of all people,

you're telling me not to wear this.

That's all the more reason

for me to fucking walk down the street naked.

- [SHARON] Okay, then fucking go out like a clown.

Go out like a clown.

- I will, because I do everyday.

Mom, I've always worn what I wanted.

I don't understand, like mom,

I think you get a kick now,

out of telling me, like, oh that's bad.

- [SHARON] No, okay, I think you get a kick

out of dressing up in fancy dress to shock.

- You're sick.

- [SHARON] Well then you're sick in saying I'm doing that.

- Well, what if I wore a Gucci shirt,

with Chanel pants, a Gucci belt,

and some Louis Vuitton LV shoes with a Fendi bag?

It's like mom, I'm almost 20 years old.

I'm beyond that, I don't wanna deal with it.

I really don't.

- Okay fine.

- [OZZY] What's going on in here?

- I just said that it wasn't appropriate

for Kelly to go out like that.

- What the fuck's wrong with it?

I think it looks all right.

Just kind of summery.

(upbeat music)

- [JACK] Hello, hello.

Hello.

Mom.

Oh.

Whoa, it just opened.

(upbeat music)

It's not working.

Shit, come on.

- [KELLY] Hi.

- [SHARON] Your tits are hanging out.

- Fuck off mom, what are you doing?

- I'm testing it, look it's meant to flush,

and the lid close when I come off, now look.

That's the thing, we are missing the flush.

- Why?

Was the shat too heavy for it?

- [SHARON] No, it just puts in fresh water

when you sit on it.

It didn't flush.

- [ASSISTANT] You have to wait nine seconds.

It doesn't close right away.

- No, it's over nine seconds

and it's not flushing.

Don't touch it.

(upbeat music)

Who was messing with my toilet today?

It closed but it didn't flush.

It's gone off balance now.

- Off balance, what does that mean?

- It doesn't flush by itself

or the lid doesn't close now.

- Really?

- I have to flush for god's sake.

- I was messing with that,

I was trying to figure it out.

- Yeah, well thanks a lot Jack.

You fucked it.

- I didn't fuck it.

- [SHARON] Well, how did you do it?

- Hi mom.

- Oh my god.

- [OZZY] Where have you been Kelly?

- Shopping.

Look at this hat that I got.

- [SHARON] All righty then.

- [OZZY] How much did it cost?

- [SHARON] Oh, that's an ugly color.

I don't like that.

Kelly, my god.

- [KELLY] How cute is this?

- [SHARON] I don't like it.

Oh, I hate that.

- [OZZY] Look like chicken Curry.

- I don't want to live here anymore Becca.

- [BECCA] I think your mother

appreciates your sense of style.

You know.

- Why doesn't she just fucking back the fuck...

Oh, it's never, oh Kelly, you look really great.

It's always like, Kelly,

thinks she can get away with,

or Kelly, she's so funny.

Like, I don't wanna be funny,

I don't wanna get away with shit.

I don't even want her to make any comments.

When mom insulted me about what I was wearing,

I said to her, mom you'd think by now,

you'd accept me for like who I am

and just like take it or leave it,

because I'm not gonna change

and she just is like,

she started laughing, and she's like,

and the Oscar goes to.

I'm just fed up, fucking fed up,

everyone in the whole entire world besides her

fucking works, and I don't understand that.

- Have kisses, how are your teeth

Why didn't you go to the dentist today?

- Because I didn't want to go to the dentist today.

- [SHARON] Are you gonna go tomorrow?

- No.

- [SHARON] You'll fuck it all.

- [OZZY] I am fucking done.

- So Ozzy, let me tell you what we're gonna do.

Starting from here, we'll replace these.

I'll make them just a little bit longer.

And this is decayed here

so I'm going to replace this bridge.

- Today?

- [DENTIST] Yeah, let me just write the whole thing

out for you once.

Tooth number 22 will be an abutment,

27 will be an abutment, 28 will be an abutment,

and 29 will be an abutment.

19, 22, 10, 12, 21, tooth number 24, 25, and 26,

all three of those will be abutments.

- [KELLY] Hi.

What's wrong with you?

- Turn around.

Oh.

- [JACK] Hey Kel.

- Hi.

- [JACK] Nice haircut.

- Thank you.

- Heard you got it cut in the middle of the street.

- [KELLY] I did.

- [JACK] Smart move.

- [KELLY] Well, at least my hair doesn't look pubic.

I love it.

- Let's make 19, and 20 abutments.

We're gonna keep 2 through 5.

6 will be an abutment, 8 will be a single crown,

7 will be an abutment, and 13 will be a crown.

Okay, all done.

- Thanks a lot Sharon.

(upbeat music)

You know when you have too much

of that stuff in your gums,

it makes your face go hot.

These teeth are too big, Sharon.

They're big.

- I don't think the size is it,

it's just the color.

- I'm the grand national winner.

- [SHARON] Your fucking teeth glow in the dark.

- [OZZY] I whitened 'em.

- [SHARON] Look like chicklets.

- [OZZY] What the fuck are Chicklets?

- [SHARON] Those little white gum things.

- [OZZY] Look at me.

What are you laughing at?

- [SHARON] This is changing the subject so much

but I've made a commitment to do a show in England.

I have to keep working.

- Hallelujah.

(upbeat music)

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- We are having a little family therapy.

- [TONY] I didn't realize how big he is.

- I didn't realize you were as tall as you are.

- Does this family thrive on crisis?

- No.

(everyone screaming)

Stop screaming.

- What works for a family is you find what works for you.

- This is a picture of his wife's.

- Everyone thinks I have a problem.

- Give me the fucking knife.

- Why don't you shut the fuck up.

- Oh.

- The language, fuck off, you know, kiss my ass.

I don't think that's healthy,

I don't think that's good.

- No family's perfect.

- When you see the Waltons,

that ain't reality.

Go tell them to fuck themselves.