Original subtitles

- All right.

- I'll show you how it works.

So this is your clicker, this is the button

and then of course you can.

So what you're gonna do is you're gonna come down here

to this blue E,

it's gonna open the window that's gonna open our portal

to the worldwide web.

Click there so you'll get the little,

no click here.

Click on that.

- Here - Yeah.

You click that left button there.

- You do it or we'll be here 'til five.

- See there?

Click on that.

So what we wanna do is remember the search thing

I told you about?

- Which one was it, I can't remember.

- Okay, Google is the one that we were using.

You see the little,

there we go, boom.

Okay, just one time is all you gotta click on.

There you go.

It's okay, just one time.

All you gotta do is just click one time.

So you can't click too many times.

You clicked a bunch of times there and you kind of froze it

'cause now the computer's trying to remember

all of the moves.

I think we just froze up a little bit in here.

I dunno what happened,

we just froze there for a second.

We're gonna reset the computer.

There's a button down there on the right.

- You fucking do it.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- No way. - No, stay.

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as four ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

(audience cheering)

- A while back on the show we had a group of children

who came onto the show,

they performed and there from Uganda.

I decided to do an auction to benefit the charity

that sponsors the children

and the highest bidder paid $20,100

to spend the day with me and her name is Laura

and she's from Appleton, Wisconsin

and she's here in the audience.

Now Laura, get your bum up here Mrs, come on.

(audience cheering)

I have to tell you,

Laura, how old are you? - 25.

- Okay, Laura is 25

and she put her money where her mouth is.

- Oh yeah.

- And she's actually borrowed and gone into debt

to make this donation to these children in Uganda.

And we are going give you one hell of a day, Laura.

- All right.

- Okay, are you ready for it?

- Yeah, I'm ready.

(audience cheering)

- Are you insane right now?

- No, why what did I do?

- Did you really say that that girl

could come and stay the night at your house?

- Yeah.

Poor cow, she's shaking,

she's like got herself

in terrible debt. - Oh God you poor little thing

- How much did she pay?

- $20,000 she went into debt on all her credit cards,

on everything.

- But you know what?

This will be a day she'll remember-

- I know. - For the rest of her life.

- I know.

(upbeat music)

- I was fucking driving yesterday.

- Oh.

- And I got a speeding ticket. - You did?

- And so I have to go online right now

and do like driving school

'cause I am an endangerment to society.

So how do we do this? - Hold on two seconds.

- Hey, you know what?

Whoa, this looks intense.

How long is this gonna take us, how many chapters?

- 16.

- There's 16 chapters? - That's what I just said.

- [JACK] Fuck.

(upbeat music)

- Wow. - You think you're dreaming?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- It's like somebody pinch me.

Ozzy.

- How do you do? - Great.

Do you even recognize me?

You've seen me before. - This is Laura.

- I had curly hair,

did you remember me last summer?

You pointed me out on stage in Alpine Valley.

- Oh really? - Yeah.

- How you doing, good to see you.

- Yeah, good to see you.

- [ASSISTANT] Laura was the winner

of the auction that we had-

- Oh Sharon mentioned- - Children in Uganda.

- Yeah, and she said, we get to hang out tonight.

- Yeah, okay. - Are you up for that?

- Oh yeah. - Yeah, cool.

- Wow, wow.

I don't think he remembered me from last year.

- [ASSISTANT] Well he meets a few million people.

(people laughing)

(upbeat music)

- All right, game on.

False. - Hold on.

We didn't see the baby seat one.

- There's two fucking answers. - Well just look at it.

I wanna see what the weight requirement is.

There's two other ones to choose from than the one we got

so we're still be guessing.

Wait, go up please, right here.

- [JACK] Why are you always gotta be such a-

- [JACK'S ASSISTANT] I didn't say anything,

I didn't say a word.

- But you no, but you went (scoffs).

Shut up.

- Don't tell me to shut up.

- You want me to read all this?

- I do.

That's not reading.

- Yeah, it is, I'm a speed reader.

- I know for a fact that's not true.

- So you want me to read that whole thing?

- Well, you are just-

- Okay. - You're skipping it

because you think I'm gonna give you the answers?

- No, I don't.

- Okay.

- You need to shut up.

- I think we could take at least 30 seconds

to peruse what's in the chapter.

- Hey, - Next time.

- Shhh. - Ow.

Hey, stop, why are you hitting me today?

- Hey, hey, hey.

- I'm a girl, you're not supposed to hit girls.

- No, you're a tavern wench.

- I still think that one's true,

we're still rolling.

- I will slap that grin off your face.

- [ASSISTANT] I've got another surprise for you.

- What? - Guess what I just heard?

- [LAURA] What?

- Do you know where you're sleeping tonight?

- Where? - Right here.

- Oh my God, I'm staying at the mansion.

- [ASSISTANT] Yeah.

- Oh my God, Not the hotel, the mansion, Wow.

This is unbelievable, wow.

I am going to be here tonight, oh my God.

I gotta play with the doggies.

Yeah, hey, you've tried Nicholas.

You don't scare me. (dog barking)

You don't scare me.

Hey, hey be quiet now.

See, it's all right, be quiet.

(dog barking)

Oh, you don't scare me.

Oh.

(dogs barking)

God.

Oh, Liddy.

We're staying in here?

- Yes. - Oh my God.

Wow, staying right here. - Yes.

- If I need anything, what do I dial?

PlayStation, yes.

Thank you.

Wow.

- Here, I'll let you see Kelly's room,

you can walk over here.

- Oh, get to see Kelly's room.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

This is huge, oh wow.

The Buddha.

I saw that before. - In the morning

if you're up before everyone,

feel free to come outside and grab a cup of coffee.

- I'm just amazed I'm staying here.

- [OZZY] Who the fuck is that?

(upbeat music)

- Hi lollipop, hi.

- Hello Sharon, how you going?

- Where's Frankie? - She had to go,

she's gonna meet us at the party.

- Fabulous. - I got something

I want you guys to sign for me.

- Oh, sure.

- I stole something from your set.

If you're not mad, it's just paper.

I stole that from your set.

(people laughing)

- Stole it from the set. - It's paper,

whatcha gonna do to me?

I got one more for you to sign to Sharon.

- [SHARON] All right, let's see who's going in what car?

- All right.

- Taking Ozzy's car,

me and James and possibly Rebecca.

Then James, what's your name I'm sorry?

- Laura.

- Who's gonna take Laura?

- [Speaker] We may all go in the lake.

Rebecca, me and- - Yeah and then

you'll follow right behind. - I'll I follow right behind.

- Because there's no room in the back of mine.

Laura, I will see you there.

- Okay. - Tony, take care of Laura,

that's your mission. - Oh yeah.

- All right, we'll take you in the Lincoln.

- Oh, the Lincoln, oh, sweet.

(upbeat music)

- Wait, what did you say?

- Did you meet the girl?

That showed up here that paid $20,000

to some charity for African children or something?

- Did we have some stranger staying in our house?

- She's getting out this afternoon.

- [KELLY] Why does my mother do shit like that?

I don't understand.

Like, for all we know,

this person could kill us in our sleep.

(gentle music)

- I think we should just fucking

just go over the true or false and look back.

- I doubt that it's set up

so that you can go back once you've seen the questions.

- I think it is.

- You think so? - Shut up.

Being a good driver requires the knowledge

of the law, skills and common sense.

True.

- That's so false.

- A vehicle in the hands of an unskilled driver

is dangerous as a loaded gun.

True.

(Jack mumbling)

False.

- I think it's true.

- Hey, you said you were gonna help me out here.

- I'm I'm helping you,

I just said no. - Okay.

- You know they're gonna get harder as they go on.

- Shut up.

Hey, I have to get through 16 of these fuckers

in, hour and a half.

- You know what?

We can go and do more tomorrow.

It says you can sign off

after you've answered the questions from each chapter.

But we have two days.

- I don't really care, to be honest with you.

(gentle music)

(birds chirping)

- Aunt Jane. - Hi Kelly.

- Hi. - How are ya?

- I wanted you to sign this for me.

- Of course I will.

- Kelly. - Don't touch anything.

- [SHARON] She wants you to sign something.

- Yes, I do. - For her.

- Wow.

- So you work at a restaurant? - Yeah.

I work at a pizza place.

I've just been doing it for seven years,

I gotta do something else.

I wanna come out here and work on my band,

I'm a singer.

- Oh great. - A really good one too.

And I have a stage name, It's Laura Dark Prey Star.

Spelled D-A-R-K-P-R-E-Y.

- Do you write your own songs?

- Yeah. - Or you play other people?

- I'll sing in one of them that I wrote a little,

just the beginning of.

♪ Sometimes I feel like I lost my own soul ♪

♪ The truth remains but I'm still lost ♪

♪ Anything I do doesn't seem right ♪

♪ Sometimes I feel like I lost my own soul ♪

- That's really lovely. - I have a natural voice

since I was little. - You do.

- I've been singing since I was about,

I'd say about 15 months old.

I also can sing like death metal and-

- You can? - Yes.

I have a growl

but I'm afraid I'll scare the dogs and get attacked.

- [SHARON] Go on, go on, no they won't.

(Laura growling)

All right.

(Laura growling)

(people laughing)

(upbeat music)

(hand knocking)

(upbeat music)

(keyboard clicking)

- [JACK'S ASSISTANT] You have to fill this out.

All right. - Yay, online crap.

Large trucks need approximately the same distance

passenger cars need to stop.

No, false. - That's stupid.

(hand smacking)

Stop it.

Pay attention.

(hand smacking)

Please read the thing.

Okay, stop.

Can we just. - Hey.

- It takes as much time to guess and go back

as it does to just read it for two seconds.

- We must have got one wrong that we'd never done.

- Oh my God. I can't believe you refused-

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - Jack.

- Go get Becca. - We're not prepared.

- Becca. - Yeah.

- Come here for a second. - No, she's-

- No, please no, no. - Just be nice.

- Please, Becca. - Be nice.

- Becca, please.

If it takes 400 feet to her at and stop driving our,

you're not suitable and you should not be driving.

- True. - Very true.

- If you drink on a full stomach, you can drink more.

- Well, no. 'cause the wording is,

"and not feel the effects,

so that's false.

- The usual speed limit near a school,

no, it's- - False, 25.

- It's true. - It's true.

- True, true.

- False.

Becca isn't even my assistant

'cause she's smarter than you.

- [Becca] Jesus.

- Who's the college student from New York?

- You're such a prat.

- I went to NYU.

I'm smart.

- You're an ass.

- [SHARON] Stand up and do a nice performance, Laura.

- [LAURA] I'm so nervous.

♪ Sometimes I feel like I've lost my own soul ♪

♪ The truth remains but I feel the same ♪

♪ Sometimes I feel like I've lost my own soul ♪

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

- You've gotta keep it up though, Laura,

you gotta keep you singing up and-

- I sing in the car like everywhere I go.

I was just like holding back today and what not

and yesterday not singing

'cause I was afraid I'd embarrass myself.

No, embarrass yourself here, are you crazy?

Not here.

- What is it?

You think it's impossible to embarrass yourself here?

- Yeah, we accept anything? - Exactly.

- Anything. - Anything.

(upbeat music)

- This is so cool.

Oh my God, this is just, wow.

(upbeat music)

Yay.

- Ozzy always, come on.

But Ozzy always says don't touch anything, okay.

- Okay, I won't touch anything,

but I have to look around.

Oh my God, he's got a lot of records in here.

Oh wow. - This is Ozzy's world here.

All right, let's see the world where we create music, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Mr. Osbourne creates his music anyway.

- Yeah. - All the discs that he got.

- I know, they're everywhere.

- This is where records look. - Wow.

Oh my God, this is amazing.

- This is the drum room look where we put

the drums to record the drums.

- Oh, I actually can play drums.

- Can you? - Yeah.

(drums thudding)

(drums thudding)

I have a set at home.

- One more, this is it.

- And then we're done,

but don't I have to take a big test?

- Wasn't it 16?

- We don't have to take a test afterwards?

- Did we ever figure that one out?

- Oh God, I hate this question.

- I think it's false, honestly,

I think it's only four.

- I think at the most there's five

I just can't remember anything past class D or B.

- No, wait,

- How many are you allowed to get wrong?

- Find out.

Oh God. - Oh,

- Now I'm nervous.

- All right, everybody cross fingers.

- All right, everybody. - Just one hand.

No, just one hand, two is bad luck.

(people laughing)

- You passed. - Yay.

(people clapping)

- Finally done.

- That was easy.

- If you come in here,

you can see this is where do the singing.

So Ozzy sings through this mic.

♪ Sometimes I feel like I lost my own soul ♪

♪ The truth remains ♪

♪ But I'm the same ♪

- Dana. - Yes my darling.

- There's no way a child can pay 20,100.

She delivers pizzas.

I have to give her 10,000 back,

I can't, I just cannot do it.

- It's to Frankie's charity. - I know, but the thing is,

I have to give her 10,000

so she can pay at least 10,000 of her debts.

I'll have it with her.

I cannot have her do it, she's not,

can't do it to her.

Laura is leaving, so she just signed-

- Oh thank you Ozzie, thanks.

- Okay Oz, you can still sign that.

Laura, Ozzy has already signed that photograph for you.

- Oh my God, wow. - All right.

- Thank you, thank you again.

You're amazing. - No, thank you Laura.

- Now I'll see you August 14th,

I'm gonna be at Oz Fest.

- All right.

- There we are, he's signed that for you.

- All right, give him the CD. - Yeah, give him the CD.

- I know, I just can't think I so excited.

- We getting some more series at the-

- Wait, sing your song for him.

- Oh, which one?

Oh, I gotta sing for Ozzy.

- Okay. Put this down, just sing.

- Oh, oh, okay.

- This is your opportunity.

- This is one of my songs me and my guitarist

wrote in my band.

Oh my God.

♪ Sometimes I feel like I lost my own soul ♪

- I can't remember the rest right now,

I'm too nervous. - Yeah, it's very good.

- I told you. - Yes.

- Yeah. - Very good.

Thank you. - Thanks again.

- Love you very much. - Love you too.

I'll see you in August. - All right, can't wait.

- By Laura. - So much fun.

♪ Loving you is more than just dream come true ♪

♪ And everything that I do ♪

♪ Is out of loving you ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

- [LAURA] Wow, this is like the best day of ever.

♪ La la la la la ♪

- It's pretty much the same

- Hey, you wanna come get ice cream with us?

- We're gonna go to Coldstone. - We gonna go to Coldstone.

- That's so fattening, no, thank you.

(hands smacking)

(upbeat music)

- I'm so stoked right now.

(engine purring)

- Come on go, go.

Yeah, see, you know to slow down

before we get hooked by that cop.

(siren beeping)

- [JACK] Are you fucking kidding me?

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- Kelly. - Yeah.

- We're going to Japan.

- I know, I can't wait.

- Why did you go for then?

- Because you- - You getting the fuckin award

so just be happy.

- You have a lifetime achievement award.

(upbeat music)

(person speaking in foreign language)

- You have steamed red snapper for breakfast, fucking hell.

Thank you so much for this award and fuck off.

(audience cheering)

(whimsical music)

- [Tutor] Just one time is all you gotta click on.