Original subtitles

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat piano music)

- Mom, look at my new haircut!

- You look like a little Japanese girl.

- [Kelly] Isn't it cute?

- You look just like a Japanese girl.

- [KELLY] Can I take this car?

- [MELINDA] Oh, there's stuff in the back.

- [KELLY] Oh, so you did go shopping today.

- No.

- [KELLY] I wanna get a piercing.

- Your lip? - [KELLY] Yeah.

- Kelly, please, your mother will go fucking insane.

- [KELLY] It's not her body!

- Kelly, no.

You're so pretty.

You will not want a scar there for the rest of your life.

It will look terrible.

- Mine will look good. - No, come on, Kel,

think about it.

Did you tell your mom you're getting it done?

- No, if you do, I'll be really mad at you.

- [MELINDA] Don't get it done, think about it.

Think about it for a week.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Kelly's really not one

for making good decisions for herself.

- What do you mean?

- She does like the stupidest things.

Like not one of her tattoos is like super meaningful.

Even the one that she tried to make meaningful,

it's just too much.

- Yeah, she just is just a child,

and she's just growing and learning.

I hope she's learned, but...

- [JACK] I think she's on drugs.

- It's not drugs.

She's got to grow yet.

She's still very young, Jack.

- [OZZY] She's an accident waiting to happen.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Did Melinda tell my mom?

- [FEMALE STAFF] No. - Okay, good.

- [FEMALE STAFF] They're all sleeping.

- Ooh.

- [FEMALE STAFF] How did it feel?

- Fine.

- [FEMALE STAFF] It's not that sore?

- No.

- [FEMALE STAFF] Well, it looks good.

I like it. - I think it's cool.

- [FEMALE STAFF] Just, look at me for a second.

- It's just a little red.

I just got it, and it's got the pen marks still on it.

- [FEMALE STAFF] Mhm, it looks good.

(jazz music)

- [KELLY] Hey.

(door slamming)

- What is that?

- [KELLY] A lip ring.

- 'Kay.

- [KELLY] What does your shirt say?

(TV playing in background)

- [KELLY] Do you like my new haircut?

- Some drastic-ness going on there.

It's okay though, I can dig it.

(Kelly burps)

- The lip ring's remaining if I don't say anything at all.

I'm just looking out.

(serious music)

- The thing that Kelly's got going.

The lip ring. - She's what?!

- [JACK] She had her lip pierced.

- No, you get that fucking thing out of her right now.

- She just left.

- You are joking! - [JACK] No.

- She's gone with that skunting fucking Sarah.

If she's had her face pierced -

- She has, she has a lip ring.

- Where is she?

- [JACK] I don't - - [OZZY] Get her on the phone.

- Are you sure she's gone?

- [JACK] Yeah, she's just walked out the door.

And she's also got her hairdo.

It looks like yours out of the '80s.

- Why is she trying to fuck her face?

- [JACK] Hi, Minnie, what do you think?

Are you gonna get your lip pierced too?

(phone clacks)

- Oh, I am so upset!

- [JACK] Don't let it stress you, mom.

Don't let it stress you.

- No, I cannot - - [OZZY] No, listen.

- I am gonna tell her -

- [OZZY] I know exactly what's she's done.

She's doing drugs, innit?

- [JACK] Yeah.

- Oh, no, no.

What is she doing?

If she - - [JACK] Mom, don't let it -

- [OZZY] Calm the fuck down, Sharon.

- [JACK] Mom - - [OZZY] Calm down.

- I am so mad - - Sharon, Sharon.

Just, it's not worth worrying about.

- [JACK] I'm glad I'm not the problem child anymore.

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] It's really disgusting.

- [KELLY] What the fuck is your deal?

- [SHARON] I have an opinion,

and I just don't think that it's an attractive thing.

- [KELLY] I think you're nuts.

- [SHARON] Me? - [KELLY] Yeah.

- [SHARON] And what are you, fucking sane?

- [KELLY] No, I just think you're out of your mind.

(upbeat music)

- That coffee I just drank tastes like fucking water.

- [SHARON] Maybe it was.

Um, Kelly. - [KELLY] Yeah?

- Don't wear those guns with those kids today.

- Why were you intrigued by these?

- [SHARON] No.

- [KELLY] Why is this even a discussion?

- I just, I'm just interested to know

why you would be intrigued by all of this?

I'm just curious.

- Because I like, I've had this one a year ago,

and I got that for my birthday.

I just like them, I think they're fun.

Fuck you.

- Kelly, what the hell is up with you?

Are you trying to be Miss Nasty today?

- [KELLY] No!

- [MELINDA] You're being defensive.

- I'm always defensive around you.

- [MELINDA] I know, but I don't know why.

- 'Cause you make me constantly feel like

I'm doing something wrong.

- [MELINDA] We discussed this on the phone the other day.

- Talk about doing something wrong.

- Did we discuss this on the phone the other day?

- Can I just ask you something, Kel?

Why did Fred pick up $1,000 in cash?

- Because I have joined a gym with him.

I have joined a gym with him,

and I'm waiting, I'm going there.

I was supposed to go there today with him, in fact.

I'm bringing you the papers, so you can see it, Mom.

It was supposed to be a check,

but the check machine wasn't working.

(somber piano music)

- [OZZY] Where have you just gone?

- It was the host's dad's episode birthday.

- [OZZY] Don't you ever think

I wanna pull that off your lip?

- Why?

- It's just fucking awful.

Why do you do one thing (indistinct)

and smack yourself in the face?

- You've definitely had a conversation with my mother.

- I have not.

I swear on your life. - Dad!

It's not like it's fucking permanent.

I can take it out.

- She loves it!

She thinks it's fucking rad!

It looks like you've got a herpe on your fucking lip.

- No, it doesn't.

- [OZZY] It does! - No, it doesn't.

- Okay, I'm just telling you, I think

(stutters) Maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned,

but it just doesn't look all that attractive.

- No, I know!

- But if you come home

with a fucking bolt through your neck,

I'll still love you.

Rad, bad, fucking mad.

(upbeat jazz music)

- [KELLY] Dude, I felt so nauseous all day.

- Have you eaten anything yet today?

- [KELLY] Only sweet things.

I've had like the craziest, like, sugar cravings.

- It's probably why, you probably keep going up and down,

up and down, and crashing.

Getting sick to your stomach. - [KELLY] Yeah.

- It's either the stoner flu,

or it's something you don't wanna tell me.

- [FEMALE STAFF] Did they do a liver panel on you

to see where, and your liver enzymes are up?

- [KELLY] They said food poisoning.

- [SHARON] What's our doctor's name?

- [FEMALE STAFF] Carr.

- Will you tell him to stop?

- [SHARON] What's he saying?

- [KELLY] It's all those drugs.

- Nancy's not been good,

and they've told her, they think it's from the sushi.

- Yeah.

There's a lot of mercury in the tuna, halibut -

- [KELLY] I don't eat tuna or halibut.

- What do you eat? - [KELLY] Shrimp.

- [OZZY] Um, it's the stoner flu.

- We need a fucking chef.

- [FEMALE STAFF] Do you want this guy

to come in and cook twice a week for you?

The food's really delicious.

- I don't wanna eat rich food every day.

I don't like it.

My stomach can't handle it.

- [FEMALE STAFF] You just need -

- [SHARON] Jack's got a friend that's a chef.

- [OZZY] Have we had him before?

- [FEMALE STAFF] Do you think it's something serious?

- Heptitis A is 50 days of throwing up.

50 days of feeling like this.

- I bet you got a stomach bug or stomach flu.

(guitar music)

- Is Mom here?

- She just left to work.

You all right, Kelly?

- I don't feel well, Dad.

(Ozzy speaking indistinctly)

- [FEMALE STAFF] Your eyes are gonna pop out.

- [OZZY] My daughter's coming down sick.

- I just don't understand what's wrong though.

- Not enough sleep.

- I'll be down in about half an hour, is that okay?

- I've totally pissed myself from throwing up so hard.

Fuck me, man.

- [OZZY] Kelly, I've gotta ask you,

how much did you have to drink last night?

- [KELLY] A glass of champagne.

- You didn't take nothing, getting on the pills or anything?

- [KELLY] No. (door slamming)

I don't think I heaved that much in my life.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- [SHARON] Hello, darling.

- [OZZY] Sharon.

- [SHARON] What's going on?

- For some reason, Kelly, it's fucking, so fucking bad.

She went to that film thing yesterday.

Come back looked like a dying fucking wasp,

went to bed for four, eight hours, and in my head.

- [SHARON] Oh, God.

- Well, that's wrong.

I mean, 'cause all day long.

Do you know what I did yesterday?

Do you know what I did yesterday?

Every fucking five minutes,

I was going in her room checking on her, all day.

I know exactly what she's doing.

Fucking around with drugs and whatnot.

Sharon, it's so fucking unbelievably bad.

Someone has to do something about it, Sharon.

- All right.

- [OZZY] All right, I'll speak to you later.

- [SHARON] All right, darling.

Love you. - [OZZY] Love you.

(dramatic piano music)

(Kelly sighs)

- Seriously, I feel so sick.

Dude, I feel so fucking nauseous.

I'm not kidding.

I woke up today and I'm just like I wanna throw up

and I still like haven't yet.

Christ, I'm gonna throw up.

We're doing mock up, right?

(indistinct noises)

(Kelly retches)

(serious orchestral music)

And all my assistants and everything are like,

"Well, that is."

- [SHARON] Okay.

- [KELLY] So I'm going for a ultrasound right now.

- Oh shit.

- [KELLY] And she took blood,

'cause she thinks that, for like testing everything, and...

'Cause like when she, first time my stomach,

like I burped, so it was like really weird.

- So, Kelly, you call me as soon as you've done the test.

- [KELLY] I will.

- All right, darling, good luck.

- [KELLY] I love you.

- Love you, baby.

- [KELLY] Bye. - Bye.

(phone clatters)

Oh, poor Kel.

- What did she say it was?

- Mm? - What'd she say?

- Mm, gallstones.

- She's too fucking young!

She's bullshitting, too young.

I still think she's on drugs.

Just look at the variables in this equation.

She's randomly sending Fred a check for $1,000.

She's fucking going to Malibu.

Hanging out in Malibu when she knows she hates Malibu.

Not hanging around, wearing sunglasses inside.

- When does she wear sunglasses in the house?

- The other day, she came in my room,

and she's wearing sunglasses in the house.

- Mm.

- You even said that you noticed her pupils

have been restricted. - Mhm.

- You know why she's itching her face so badly?

When you take a lot of opiates, you itch.

Her skin is terrible.

She's lying a lot.

- [SHARON] Stop, Jack, stop.

- [JACK] What?

Stop what you're doing.

Stop not helping her.

You're only making it worse.

- She was really, really sick again this morning.

Something's not right with Totsy.

Honestly, Jack, it's not drugs.

She's really not good. - You are,

you know denial isn't just a river in Egypt?

Just so you know.

(somber piano music)

- Kelly's so, such a bitch sometimes.

- [MELINDA] Well, she just doesn't wanna do anything.

- She's got such a fucking attitude.

- She went mad before.

- [JACK] What'd she say?

- She said, I was like, "Are you sure

you're not taking anything, Kelly?"

And she was like no, you know?

Did you ask her? - No.

- [MELINDA] Are you talking to her at the moment?

- Not really, I mean, it's very idle.

- [MELINDA] You two are the love each other,

or you hate each other, right?

- Yeah, I still love her,

but it's just fucking, fucking drug addict.

Mom has a problem admitting it.

- [MELINDA] Don't be ridiculous.

- [JACK] It's true, you know?

She's gonna defend her.

- [MELINDA] Who would she be getting the pills from -

- Wayne, Fred!

I mean not Wayne, I mean Fred.

- Fred.

Fred's a fuckwit.

He's got like the brain of a pea.

- But he's a junkie.

He's doing heroin, methadone.

(guitar music)

- [OZZY] Kelly, how was your day?

- I feel exactly the same as I did, Dad.

I'm puking the same shit as I did then.

I literally feel like I wanna die right now.

♪ One pill makes you larger ♪

♪ And one pill makes you small ♪

♪ And the ones that mother gives you ♪

♪ Don't do anything at all ♪

♪ When the men on the chessboard ♪

♪ Get up and tell you where to go ♪

♪ And you've just had some kind of mushroom ♪

♪ And your mind is moving low ♪

♪ Go ask Alice ♪

♪ I think she'll know ♪

♪ When logic and proportion ♪

♪ Have fallen sloppy dead ♪

♪ Remember what the dormouse said ♪

♪ Feed your head ♪

♪ Feed your head ♪

- Kelly!

Kelly, Kelly!

(guitar music)

I just wanted to tell you my little, um,

Kelly's just gone into Promises.

It only happened today.

She's just gone in about an hour ago.

Yeah, for pills.

I questioned Kelly and it all came out.

We're just on our way to do "Larry King".

- I think there's more to this than

just some fucking recreational fucking pills.

I guarantee,

I guarantee she's got an emergency stash somewhere.

- [SHARON] I'm just thinking about the behavior pattern.

It all makes sense.

- It's too late to say, "I told you so."

You just gotta be supportive to her.

(jazz piano music)

- Sandra. (keys clattering)

Hi, all right, thank you.

I just, I know that, um,

our security guard brought back Sarah's clothes,

but I just wanted to make sure

that Sarah knows one hundred percent

not to come around near Kelly.

No, Sandra, I don't wanna hear

your hubblty, bubblty bullshit.

I'm just telling you.

Keep your daughter away from my daughter.

She's not welcome in my home.

Neither are you!

You're a fucking fruit loop that tells fortunes!

You're both hustlers!

You're a fucking hustler!

Take your daughter and fuck off, you cunt!

(phone clatters)

- Sharon.

What's up?

It's not your fault.

- [SHARON] Mangled web of fucking -

- Lies. - Bullshit.

Fucking bullshit.

Look at that fucking tattoos

that she's done to her body and that fucking lip ring.

- [MAN] It's all probably drug behavior.

- Of course it's all drug behavior!

Everything is fucking drug behavior.

- I mean, do you know what happens in there, Sharon?

Once the fucking drugs, it steals your soul.

Don't let yourself get wound up.

I mean, we all make mistakes, you know?

The only thing that she can do to redeem herself

is get herself cleaned up.

- She'll leave.

She won't stay, she'll leave.

- [WOMAN] I'm glad it came out of her money.

- [OZZY] I'll give her until Wednesday next week,

she'll be out.

- Ugh, that to Kelly is a lifetime.

You don't - - [OZZY] I'm saying,

I'm gonna give her, okay, until tomorrow.

Yesterday - - Yeah.

- [OZZY] Eventually, she will fucking leave, you know?

Sharon, Kelly's staying in rehab.

Kiss my fucking ass!

Unfortunately, Sharon, we've come to a point

in every parents' lives, I suppose,

that you have to let go.

My mom did.

(Ozzy baby talking)

- [WOMAN] And Sharon took it over (laughs).

- I ain't letting go!

Believe me, she ain't getting fucking rid of me.

I'm pissed at her, but I ain't letting go.

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Osbournes".

- Kelly, the places that you're in

are not there to be like a summer camp.

- [KELLY] Hi, Becca, it's Kelly.

(indistinct) from home, I need some money.

- Well, she's asked for the manicurist

and she's asked for a DVD player.

- [KELLY] I need more shoes, and a few more clothes.

Oh, and socks, I need socks.

- She just needs a good smack.

- [OZZY] Kelly's home!

- If you don't like my lip ring,

and you don't like the way I have my hair,

or you don't like the way that I dress.

- She wouldn't be a mother

if she didn't have a voice or opinion.

- Just stop.

- You know denial isn't just a river in Egypt?