Original subtitles

- Kennedy made the speech in, I think it was '64.

He said, in this decade,

we will land a man safely on the moon.

- According to this guy, the Russian,

the Americans never had the technology to do that back then.

They couldn't, even today it would be hard to do it.

They said it was all acting in a studio.

- They land on the moon. Who's holding the camera?

- That's what I..

The camera is like catches the first foot,

but the camera's about 20 yards away.

- I know!

- And then you see the flag blowing in the wind

and there's no wind in the moon.

- Yeah. - So how's the flag blowing?

- It's fucking ridiculous.

How did they know

that when they did land on the moon, it wasn't soft?

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Livin' as foes ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(energetic music)

- I'm due to work until May 12th and I'm not going to-

- [KELLY] Does that mean we can go on holiday now,

so I'll be able to go?

- Yes, let's go on holiday quicker!

- Well, where are we gonna go?

- [SHARON] Daddy says Fiji. He said Fiji's fantastic.

- No, okay, you know what?

If you want to do that whole get the island thing out-

- Yeah? - We go to Tavarua.

It's in Tahiti. That's where I was supposed to go.

- It's so far. - Hey, shh!

It's a private island, holds 28 people or something.

- [KELLY] Dad's not gonna like it,

'cause it's not five stars.

- It kind of sounds a little bit..

- [JACK] It is a little bit granola.

It's a bit granola, but it's really nice

because they have these houses-

- But are they air conditioned?

- [KELLY] Why don't we just go to fucking Hawaii and end it?

- No, I'm not going-

I'm not going to Hawaii again. We go every fucking year.

- I haven't been in five years,

and you've gone twice a year every year,

and I haven't fucking been.

- Where was the place that Amy went in Canada?

That's meant to be fantastic.

- I'm not fucking going to Canada.

I'm not going to the fucking- - It's cold right now.

You don't wanna go to the snow.

- At least, let's find somewhere where there's a..

A Chanel. (upbeat music)

- [TONY] Fiji has over 300 islands.

- [OZZY] The main island.

- [TONY] Do you know what it's called, the main island?

- Fiji.

- I've got my map here.

- By the Fijian Hotel.

- Make one of these cities here?

- No, no, no, no. Look for the Fijian Hotel.

- [TONY] It's not as easy as that. You've gotta kind of..

- [OZZY] There's a hotel called the Fijian Hotel,

it might be on that one and it might be on that one.

- Let me put that in here. - What I'm looking for

is a picture of the Fijian Hotel.

- Let's go there. This is like a brochure.

- Is that the brochure? - Yeah.

- Fijian.

Fijian. - Fijian.

That's a phrase book, just probably the language there.

- Fiji! Paradise.

- Yeah.

The hotels haven't been able,

I don't think they've been big enough to take everybody.

How about Tahiti?

- Tahiti is the worst shithole I've ever been to in my life.

It's like a polluted Hawaii.

You know what we should do?

We should take a six week break

and go to different countries.

- Yeah, on the Queen Mary.

- No, not not Queen Mary, on a fucking aeroplane.

(upbeat music)

I'm looking at holidays in Fiji.

- Fiji? - Fiji's,

they've got these tame sharks.

And you can go and stroke them.

- [ASSISTANT] You do not do anything remotely dangerous.

- What they do with the shark,

they get these sharks when they're babies

and pull their teeth out and (indistinct).

- Yeah, but they can't because shark's teeth

are like hair.

When they lose them, they grow back.

(Ozzy speaking indistinctly)

- [ASSISTANT] You do nothing that's remotely dangerous.

- Okay.

- [SHARON] All right, I'm gonna come up with something here.

Did you find out how much the tickets were to Hong Kong?

- [OZZY] I don't want to go to China!

- [SHARON] Why?

- [OZZY] Because it's the worst food you can eat.

(upbeat music)

- How was your meeting, Kelly?

- Well, it was basically "You're a fucking idiot

because you never did that 'Freaky Friday' movie

and it was so big," but I just couldn't

picture myself doing it, I don't know why.

- I think it probably would've been,

you could've done it and been really good at it,

but the time wasn't right.

I mean, you were putting out the record

and you were touring so that there was too much.

You'll get something better next time.

What are you reading there, Kel?

- The script for this pilot

that they're gonna make into a TV show

that they want me to be in.

- [MELINDA] And? Does it look good?

- It actually, you know, the dialogue is,

the one thing that I hate about all these drama TVs,

the dialogue is like so like, "Oh my God, and like and this

and totally," and like it's not that juvenile so far.

and it's kind of funny.

(dramatic music)

- I just don't want to go to Hawaii again.

I'm so fed up with Hawaii.

Like Hong Kong does sound fun.

It could be a laugh.

I just don't know.

'Cause that's like hard,

it's like a kind of a Hong Kong trip.

I don't know how many times I'm gonna have the option

to go to Hong Kong.

- Mind you, if we can't get your dad to come,

why don't we just drug him and then put him on a plane

and wake him up in fucking Hong Kong?

- Let's tell him we're going to fucking..

And just say we're taking Hong Kong Air there.

- China to Florida Keys.

- How pissed would he be?

- Too fucking late once he's there.

(dramatic music)

All right, I'm going to pick a place.

I am going to pick a place. - So wait, what's going on?

- There's a war in Bali, right? We don't wanna go to Bali.

Well first of all, we've gotta find a five star hotel

and they're all four star.

Shut up.

- (indistinct) holiday for?

- [KELLY] Because I haven't been on holiday

in five, six years.

- All right, I'm gonna come up with something here.

I was talking to somebody yesterday

who went on safari and said it was the best-

- No, no.

- Thing they have ever done.

- I'm not going- - I'm not going on safari.

I'll probably end up fucking lions hors d'oeuvres.

- Mommy, you don't even wanna stay in a three star hotel,

but you wanna go on fucking safari?

(Ozzy speaking indistinctly)

- Let's go to somewhere with proper food.

- What's Kabuga? - Karuga.

- Give me that file for fuck's sake.

What was the last one you told me to look up?

- We're not, just go to Hawaii.

We know where there's proper food.

- I'm looking at the hotels in Hawaii

and I want a yes or a no. - Have you heard of Fiji?

- Its name is called Hapuna Beach Suites.

- Where is it? - With its own

private driveway and- - Where is it?

- Hawaii. - Which island?

- Just says Hawaii. - Which part of it?

- Must be Big Island? - Yeah, Big Island.

- [SHARON] It's gotta go.

- Did you get information on Fiji?

- Fiji's in here. - Yeah, Fiji's

all the narrows. - But nothing is

up to Mum's standards in Fiji,

because she can't find something five star.

Mum. Did you see the thing in Fiji?

They have fucking bug nets over the bed.

- Yeah, but it's a only three star hotel.

I cannot go to a three star hotel.

I'm too old for a three star hotel.

- No, look, they have a romantic outdoor shower in a bush!

- [OZZY] Why don't we just go to Malibu?

(upbeat music)

(dramatic classical music)

- I don't know whether I wanna do this audition

for the second one.

- Kelly, even if they don't like you for that part,

if you go in and you sell yourself,

these are casting directors.

It's really good to go and be on time and professional.

- I'm going to finish getting ready.

(upbeat music)

Kelly, good luck. Please go to both.

- I know. - Have you got cash?

- I don't need cash.

I'm going to an audition.

- Kelly, be nice, be good, be professional.

Learn your lines.

- [OZZY] All you gotta do is be yourself.

- Yeah, I know.

- [SHARON] Good luck, my darling.

Please call me when you get out.

- Good luck. - Bye.

(upbeat music)

- Hang up and call the house.

- [MELINDA] How was your audition, Kel?

- Really good. - Really?

- I'm so excited.

I have goosebumps.

- I'm dying! - Killing me.

- No! - I can't take this.

It's driving me nuts, I'm sweating.

When are they gonna tell me?

The happiest girl in the whole damn world-

(phone ringing) Hello?

I can't, I gotta give the phone and when

to find out if I got it or not.

Yeah.

I'll call you back.

Bye.

(phone ringing) Move.

Hello?

Hi. It's Kelly.

What happened?

I did? (person cheering)

- I'm so excited!

- I knew it! I told you!

- Oh my God. (upbeat music)

Thank you, bye.

Mom, I got it!

- What?

- That thing. In the show.

- Well done.

- Oh my God, Kelly!

Oh my God, congratulations.

- They called me, they want me to start rehearsing

with the other boys as of like next week,

but they haven't cast the people who are my-

- Well, that's none of our business.

If they want you, that's it.

I know that thing's gonna be huge.

- Can you stop, please?

- I'm so excited!

- [MELINDA] Hi, it's Melinda from Sharon Osbourne's office.

(Sharon singing)

- [KELLY] I don't get to go on holiday.

It's fucking horrible.

(upbeat music)

- They made the right decision.

He's got good taste, Gabe.

Now is Gabe the director?

- [KELLY] Hi, is Gabe there?

- May I ask who's calling? - Sharon and Kelly.

- [RECEPTIONIST] One second.

- [GABE] Congratulations.

- Thank you!

- [SHARON] Gabe, thank you very, very much.

- [GABE] We are so excited

and you know, it's gonna be great.

- [SHARON] I know it's gonna be great.

Now tell me, is the guy cute?

- [GABE] (laughs) Kelly..

- Is he? - He's very cute.

(indistinct) has a very big crush on him.

- [SHARON] Oh, how old is he?

- 19. - 19.

- [SHARON] Maybe they could get married.

- No, Mum.

- There you have it. - Is he Jewish?

- You know what? - I'm not Jewish.

- [GABE] I don't know.

- Well, let's find out. - We'll find out.

These are very-

- He's from Atlanta, Mum. He's not Jewish.

- Thank you. - Congratulations.

You did great. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - All right,

I'll talk to you. - So much, God bless.

Bye.

Kelly just got this job.

- Doing what?

- Tell Daddy all about it.

- It a TV show on ABC called "Doing It."

And it's three girls and three boys

and how they go through high school and stuff.

- Congratulations, Kelly. Well done, missus.

Well, well done.

Congratulations, Kel.

(mellow music)

(crowd chattering)

- The beach is wonderful.

It's run by the French and you said there's no-

- French, it's run by the French (indistinct).

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Just book the fucking thing.

- Is it French? - Yeah.

- [OZZY] All right, good.

- No, hey, Oz, this is the best,

one of the best islands in the Caribbean to stay.

- [OZZY] But it's French.

- Well, but they speak English,

'cause they used to have- - Other side.

Your bill will be 30 million Francs.

- It's Euros. - Oh, whatever the fuck.

John. - Ozzy!

Can't you just say yes?

Ozzy, I'm begging you.

- No, no. - Whenever I come up with this

mosquitoes- - Bora Bora, South of France,

every French place we've ever been to,

you know, gimme a break.

Let's go, tell you what, if you want French,

let's go back to Bora Bora, it was great.

I only died of fucking pollution.

You go, I'll be fine.

I don't, sorry. I don't want to go anyway.

- All right. (crowd chattering)

- Just let me know, I'm not going to,

you better tell everybody don't book me a flight,

I won't go.

- It's a French island but it's,

there's not all French speaking people there.

It's called Hotel (indistinct) speaking English.

- Bora Bora was supposed to be paradise.

If you had a road (indistinct) it would be fucking paradise.

- It showed on the website-

- I mean I saw Bora Bora on the website.

I saw, I didn't like the South of France

and everybody else, I don't like it there.

I don't want go.

Can you understand (indistinct)?

(Ozzy imitating speaking French)

Not going.

(upbeat music)

(bright music)

I ain't doing it.

- [SHARON] You fucking are, Mr.

We're all going on a nice family holiday.

- I don't like the Caribbeans, I keep saying.

Let's go to Hawaii.

- [SHARON] Now, didn't we have a good time in Antigua?

We loved Antigua.

- I didn't like Antigua.

There's no TV.

- Well, there is TV. There's cable.

- I just do not like the Caribbean.

- I wish you wouldn't be so hostile.

- Darling, I'm not hostile.

I'm just stating the fact

it wouldn't be much of a holiday,

because I don't like the fucking Caribbean.

I don't like the Caribbean.

- But we haven't been to this place before, Ozzy.

- Darling, I don't like the fucking Caribbean.

I'm on Hawaii.

(mellow music)

- [ASSISTANT] Is Greece too far?

- [DAVID] Oh, why don't you just come to Hawaii

and have a Honolulu?

- [ASSISTANT] I just pulled up that hotel, David.

- I'm fine with going there.

Ozzy loved Honolulu because there's cinemas,

there's California Pizza Kitchen.

- [MELINDA] I know, that's what I was just gonna say.

There's all the specialty shops.

- There's so much for the kids to do.

- [MELINDA] What do you think?

Just tell her if it's available just to book it?

- [SHARON] Yeah. Ozzy will love that.

And he can wear his speedos all day.

(upbeat music)

Dadders!

So guess where we're going on holiday?

- Go on, tell me.

- [SHARON] Hawaii.

- [MELINDA] Do you wanna see the website?

- I don't wanna see anything.

I'm sick and tired of (indistinct).

Which island are we going to?

- [SHARON] Hawaii.

- Which part?

- [SHARON] The island of Hawaii.

- Which island?

- Hawaii.

- [OZZY] I ain't going.

- [SHARON] Yes, you are!

(upbeat music)

(person chattering)

- Daddy, Kelly's going away on Wednesday.

- [KELLY] Fuck you guys. You're going on holiday.

You won't even know that I'm gone.

- [JACK] Lounging in the beach.

- Where you gonna be? - At the sushi bar?

- [KELLY] Fuck you guys.

- Where you going? - Canada.

- Oh, fucking wonderful.

- I don't think it's that bad.

- I saw "The Passion" today.

- Good? - Really good.

- Now, they've been saying that he's,

like his father's antisemitic.

- [KELLY] Do you know what I think the Bible is?

- What? - Fable?

- A book of morals.

I don't really think any of it really happened.

- No, none of it- - It was a book

of like a story book that teach people good morals.

Like you know that book, "Dear God, Are You There?

It's Me, Margaret," that teaches girls about period.

It's like a moral book. It's like, that's it.

- Well it's more- - And it just got

handed down and down and down and down and down

and became a huge deal.

- There's been like proven evidence

of there was a guy named Jesus

and he did have like a posse.

- [KELLY] Says who?

- [JACK] It's been documented like over and over.

That was some deep shit.

(dramatic classical music)

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

- I'm pissed I don't get to go on holiday now.

I'm so fucking pissed. You no idea.

They're like, "I'm gonna swim with dolphins

and I'm gonna go catch sharks."

And "I'm gonna (indistinct) on a beach"

and I'm gonna be in fucking Vancouver, thanks.

- Believe me, I know. - Working.

Hearing wonderful stories about your beach frolicking.

- Well- - I hope

it rains every day. - Oh, come on.

- [KELLY] Jack doesn't want to go to Hawaii.

- [ASSISTANT] You didn't wanna go to Hawaii either.

- I wanted to go to Hawaii.

I would go anywhere if it wasn't, if it was a holiday.

- Oh Daddy, our baby's going to Canada.

- [MELINDA] Michael, do you want me to get-

- [OZZY] Promise me one thing, you won't do anything stupid?

- No, Dad. - I'm just..

- [SHARON] I love you very much, Kelly.

- Take care of yourself, sweetie, will you?

- Have fun in Hawaii, you assholes.

- I love you! - I love you!

- Travel safe, Kelly! - Kelly!

- [KELLY] What?

- [SHARON] Come back a star, baby!

I smell Emmy! - I smell diarrhea!

(mellow music)

- Hi, Tony. - Hello.

Make something like torture this morning, isn't it?

- Fucking hell, Tony.

Let me tell you what I'm gonna do when I get to Hawaii.

I'm gonna sleep.

I'm not gonna have any makeup on my face.

I'm so fed up with putting makeup on.

And I'm going to get massages,

and I'll never leave the hotel.

- Ozzy's talking about he isn't fucking going.

- Oh, he better. 'Cause I want to go to St. Bart's.

- Well, I made the mistake by saying it was French.

I shouldn't have said that.

♪ V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N ♪

♪ In the summer sun ♪

♪ V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N ♪

♪ We're gonna have a ball ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N ♪

- [SHARON] Are ready for Hawaii?

- [OZZY] No.

♪ V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N ♪

- [SHARON] Oh Daddy, don't be miserable.

- [OZZY] I don't wanna go!

♪ V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N ♪

♪ Gonna have a ball ♪

- Next time on "The Osbournes."

- Aloha. Gorgeous, hi.

What went on with the kids last night?

- They went out to a stripper club again.

- [SPEAKER] Your top, take off your top.

- We won't. - Ah.

They wanted me. (Jack laughing)

- I'm gonna go swim with the sharks, Dad, in a cage.

(dramatic music)

- So you ladies come here often?

(person speaking indistinctly)

They shouldn't be allowed in here.

- We have to leave.

- If you can't find him, leave him.

(Ozzy imitating speaking French)