Original subtitles

- Black Sabbath consisted of me, Bill, Tony, and Geezer.

- [SHARON] You don't want to do any promotion?

- It's not my band.

- But it's a part of your history.

Do you want the option? - Sharon, if you were me,

what would you do?

- Rolling Stone, Access Hollywood.

- If you'd been fired from the band,

would you wanna promote it?

- Ozzy, it's 23 fucking years ago

and you get paid (cellphone ringing)

on every record that's sold.

23 years ago.

You don't wanna do any promotion for it at all?

- Sharon, I will say very slowly,

it is not band and I don't want to do any promotion.

Let the members of the band do the fucking promotion.

- Do you want to do it?

- Yes.

(theatrical music)

♪ Crazy, hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(gentle music)

(Lola snoring)

- [SHARON] Why don't you go to bed?

- [OZZY] I can't sleep.

- Where the fuck is that Darkness CD?

It's gone without a trace.

That's all I wanna do,

I'm all craving for it now

'cause I just heard it on the radio.

- I know, so good.

- [JACK] We can always go pick one up.

- All right.

(mellow music)

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- That's okay, sorry.

Bye.

- [OZZY] Bye.

- [JACK] Nice underwear.

- [OZZY] It's my fucking house.

(upbeat music)

(dishes clanking)

(water rushing)

I can't sleep.

I'm sitting on the side of my bed and she started snoring.

- So she was snoring all night?

- And fucking Lola was on the bed

and she started snoring as well.

I go, "Oh, fucking hell."

It was too early in the morning, you know.

I couldn't defend myself in there.

(quirky music)

(water rushing)

- Jack, will you stop this behavior?

It's frightening me, stop it.

- Hey, you know what,

it's just because I'm sexy and you're jealous.

- All right, you getting ready?

We're going to the movies tonight!

Action, come on! - Yeah, come on!

- Action, come on! - Come on, please.

It's either that

or come to this dinner and a movie thing with me.

- [SHARON] You have to kiss Minnie's ass.

- Be a dad and a husband. - Get Minnie.

Minnie! - And come out.

- Please, Daddy, please. - Please.

- I don't want to go. - You had fun

at the last premiere we went to.

- Yes, you do. - You had fun

at the last premiere we went to.

- You do, you do, you do,

you do. - Please, please.

- I don't want to go.

- [JACK] Please, please.

- I don't wanna go.

- You get one of these.

That's what Dad gets when it comes to the movie.

(theatrical music)

(Jack's friend knocking)

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Jack, are you dressed?

Whoo!

- Hi.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Hi, how are you?

- [JACK] Good.

- Good.

- [JACK] Hey, I'm going to get a tattoo touched up.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Really?

- Yeah.

And then I was thinking about getting a cross

tattooed right here.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Like Mark Wahlberg.

- Mark Wahlberg has a cross right there?

- [JACK'S FRIEND] He has a rosary tattooed on.

- But that's a rosary.

(Jack's friend chuckles)

I'm just gonna get just a straight cross.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Is it gonna be like just a cross?

- Yeah. - Okay.

(light music)

- [SHARON] You're tired, aren't you?

You're very tired, you're nodding off.

- [OZZY] I'm not tired, I'm just fucking exhausted, Sharon.

- Gosh, you are so tired.

Come on, seriously, let's go and lie down for an hour.

- No. (mumbles)

Shit.

- Where are you going?

- I don't know.

(mellow music)

I can't sleep, I wake up and down again, up again,

down again, all night.

(Ozzy yawning)

Yeah, fuck off!

I don't think I've ever been so fucking exhausted

in my life.

(theatrical music)

(upbeat music)

- [TATTOO ARTIST] So what are you thinking about?

- Just in the mood for a cross.

I was thinking right here.

- You excited?

- Yeah. - Ooh!

What do you think?

This one's really bad right here.

- I like kind of the outline to that.

- Yeah. - It's awesome.

("Drunken Lullabies")

- I always thought it would be good

to have a sugar daddy service

where I would hook up, you know, struggling actresses

with older men, you know?

And I could just get like a little cut

out of the middle, you know?

- Right.

- It's like a mutually advantageous relationship, you know?

It's good for the old goat

and good for the girl too, you know?

- [JACK] Everyone benefits at the end of the day.

- Right.

- [JACK] Everyone always frowns upon the sugar momma

or the sugar daddy, and it's not a bad thing.

- No, I don't think there's nothing wrong with it.

(upbeat music)

(Ozzy giggling)

- [OZZY'S FRIEND] Does it fit the whole thing in there?

- Yeah.

- That's the whole pitcher?

That's unbelievable.

- Did you sleep well, bub?

- I did, I was just like gone, Ozzy, coma time.

- What I'm finding, if I don't eat before I sleep,

if I haven't got food in my stomach,

it compounds the sleeping problem.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I don't know, but as long as I get an hour of sleep.

- [OZZY'S FRIEND] You did all right though last night?

- No, I couldn't sleep for a wink.

(upbeat music)

♪ You ♪

♪ You're under my skin ♪

♪ You're under my skin now, woman ♪

♪ I think you like it too ♪

- Number eight, lucky number eight.

- [TATTOO ARTIST] It's gonna feel good, Jack,

you're gonna love it.

- [JACK] It can't hurt as much as the rest.

(tattoo machine buzzing)

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Do you wanna hold my hand, Jack?

- I don't know, we'll see.

I'm kind of nervous at this point.

(gentle music) (tattoo machine buzzing)

- [JACK'S FRIEND] It's so gnarly

the blood that's coming out.

- Check yourself out, man.

Gangster, gangster, man.

- Oh, that's awesome.

Think Mom and Dad will like that?

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Yeah, definitely.

- Ooh!

- [OZZY] That coffee tastes like piss, man.

- Get rid of it.

(upbeat music)

- What'd you get?

- A crucifix on my chest.

- Oh, stop, Jack, behave.

Jack, behave.

No.

No, no, Jack, why?

- [JACK] It's nice, look at that.

- Why didn't you have it here?

Why on your chest?

- 'Cause I like it.

You can't say it's not nice.

Do you like it?

- Why? - Why not?

- Jack, why?

- But do you like it?

- I don't dislike it,

but I would've loved it a whole lot more

if it had been on your back.

- [JACK] It's not a Kelly monstrosity,

give me at least that.

Give me that.

- [SHARON] I don't hate it, Jack, but I love your skin.

- [JACK] I think it's groovy.

- [SHARON] Lollipop, come see the momma.

- [JACK] It's nice looking.

It's not ugly!

(upbeat music)

- Oh, fucking hell.

I can't sleep, I can't sleep.

(vacuum whirring)

(hammer tapping)

(grinder whirring)

I might as well sleep on the fucking sidewalk.

(theatrical music)

I'm going to a sleep disorder clinic for a day.

'Cause I've always had a problem with sleep

and I wanna try and find out what's causing it.

(upbeat music)

(Lola snoring)

- I spoke to them,

they said they could do the study here at the house.

- Okay.

- If you're happy with that.

- Yeah.

- And they prefer that you're in the bed by yourself,

so you may want to sleep

in the spare bedroom. - The spare bedroom.

- [TONY] The technician will come at 10 o'clock.

- At night?

- At night.

And then he hooks you all up with all this stuff

and put all these kind of sensors on your brain,

on your chest, and then put your stuff into the computer

and they study it, you know?

Do you wanna go ahead with this?

- Yeah.

(upbeat music)

That's pretty, Sharon.

- Did you like Jack's tattoo?

- No, I fucking didn't.

I told you if they come home with one, they'll have two.

He'll end up looking like a fucking biker.

But you know what the saddest thing is?

He hasn't got hairs on his chest yet.

When he has hairs on his chest,

he's gonna look like a fucking blue scab.

(upbeat music)

- [TONY] We're gonna answer about the sleep study thing.

Do you wake up coughing?

The answers are daily, weekly, or never.

- Sometimes.

- [TONY] Do you read in bed?

- [OZZY] No, dyslexic.

- [TONY] Do you watch TV in bed?

- [OZZY] I've got no choice, my wife's a tele addict, yeah.

- [TONY] Yes.

Do you wake up confused in the morning?

- No.

- Do you write in bed?

- What the fuck am I gonna write in bed?

Bedtime stories?

- [TONY] It's just a question.

- No, definitely not.

- [TONY] Do you wake up choking?

- No.

Not unless the wife's got me in a fucking headlock.

- Do other members of your immediate family snore?

- [OZZY] Just my wife does, and the dog.

- [TONY] On average I drink caffeinated coffee,

how many cups?

- One cup of coffee a day I have.

- [TONY] No, you know when you say one cup-

- Make it four.

(upbeat music)

- All right, I'm gonna haul this up there.

I'm a polysomnography technologist.

Basically, my role is hooking up the patients with wires

and determining exactly what's going on

with the patient's sleep.

Well, we can get started if you like.

- All right, let's turn the lights off.

(remote beeping)

This space age fucking thing, it never works.

I can't turn the lights off.

- [TECHNICIAN] Oh, no.

- [OZZY] See if this works.

(mellow music)

- [TECHNICIAN] There we go.

That's not good.

- Turn them off.

- I'll turn it off for you, bud.

- [TECHNICIAN] Okay, what I need you to do, Oz,

is just tuck these wires into your shorts,

and I'm gonna attach them right there.

♪ Welcome to my nightmare ♪

♪ Welcome to my breakdown ♪

♪ I hope I didn't scare you ♪

♪ That's just the way we are when we come down ♪

♪ Welcome to my nightmare ♪

♪ I think you're gonna like it ♪

♪ I think you're gonna feel you belong ♪

- [TECHNICIAN] I'll go ahead

and let you get comfortable now.

- [OZZY] Are you joking?

(technician laughs)

♪ Welcome to my nightmare ♪

♪ Welcome to my breakdown ♪

- [ASSISTANT] Let's see if this works.

(device beeps)

- [OZZY] This fucking thing.

- [ASSISTANT] Well, you've got a lot of stuff right there.

- This fucking thing is brutal, man.

(remote beeping)

What caused that?

- [ASSISTANT] I don't know.

- [OZZY] I wanna take a pee.

- [ASSISTANT] Oh my goodness.

(upbeat music)

- [OZZY] That wasn't too bad.

- [TECHNICIAN] I just have a few questions

about your sleep, okay?

- Yeah.

- How long did it take you

to fall asleep last night, initially?

- [OZZY] I'm asleep, so how the fuck do I know?

- Okay.

And how long do you feel you slept total last night?

How many total hours?

- [OZZY] I don't know.

- And how do you feel right now?

You feel pretty alert?

- No.

- Okay.

- I'm still waking up.

I will after I have a batch of coffee though.

- Yes.

(Ozzy and technician chuckling)

All right, that's all I need, thank you.

- Thank you.

(mellow music)

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

- Right there.

Right there.

- Right there?

- [HAIRDRESSER] Right there.

- Oh, yeah?

I just got a new tattoo on my chest, watch it.

- [HAIRDRESSER] Let me see it.

Did you?

- Yeah.

- Oh, shit, dude. - See what I mean?

- Isn't that dope?

- How many tattoos do you have now?

- Eight.

- Goddamn.

- I'm a hard motherfucker.

- What did your mom say?

- She doesn't like it.

(mellow music)

- [OZZY] Sharon.

- [SHARON] Oh, hi.

- Did you hear the news?

- [SHARON] No.

- When I was the doctor's this morning,

I asked did you get the result for my sleep disorder test,

and he goes, "Oh, yeah, it's just the coffee."

I'm allergic to coffee.

And what he said I've got to do tomorrow

is cut the amount in half,

and by in five days, drop it.

- How much did you have today?

- [OZZY] Just one bath full.

(gentle music)

Finally gonna get a good night's sleep.

(remote beeping)

- [SHARON] Goodnight.

- [OZZY] Goodnight.

Oh, no.

(remote beeping)

Oh, fucking hell.

(theatrical music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes."

(upbeat music)

- [Jack] Next week on "The Osbournes."

- Let's go on holiday quicker.

- Well, where are we gonna go?

- All right, I'm going to pick a place.

- Fiji, paradise.

- So guess where we're going on holiday.

- Come on, tell me.

- [SHARON] Hawaii.

- [OZZY] How many people are coming on this holiday?

- Jack and two of his friends.

- [OZZY] I don't like Jack's friends.

- [SHARON] Oh, Daddy, don't be miserable.

- [OZZY] I don't wanna go.

(airplane whooshing)