Original subtitles

- I'm having my hair dyed purple in the back today.

- Purple will be good.

I had my hair like that.

- [OZZY] No, not purple, but I'm gonna have...

I'm gonna have the red thing coming over the front.

- Are you kidding?

- [OZZY] No.

- Please don't.

Please, please don't.

- Why?

- [KELLY] Because you will look ridiculous.

- No, red at the back.

I'm gonna have purple here.

Then some like green bits down the side.

- George Clinton.

That's who you're gonna end up looking like, George Clinton.

- So what?

I am the Prince of Darkness.

- Yeah, but if you're the Prince of Darkness

you should have black hair and red hair.

You don't have like purple and...

- That's what I want do to my hair.

Put some color in my life, make me feel happier

after breaking my fuckin' neck.

- You're full of shit.

- Well, I'm the prince.

- [SPEAKER] Very good.

- You're the prince of fucking lunatics,

not darkness.

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people livin' as foes ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

- Where are you going tonight?

- I'm going dancing.

- With who?

- Sarah.

- [SHARON] No, you're not.

- Yes I am.

- [SHARON] No, you're not.

- Yes I am.

- No, you're not.

- Yes I am.

- No, you're not.

- [KELLY] I can go.

I could just leave and not tell you,

but I'm being responsible

and I'm telling you where I'm going.

- [MELINDA] Are you gonna wash your hair before you go?

- No.

And I'm not gonna shower either, so don't even ask.

What is your deal now?

It's like, oh, Kelly's the dirty tomboy

and she doesn't shower and she doesn't flush the toilet.

(light melodic music)

- Wanna go over these things I mentioned to you?

Prime Minister of Canada sent you an email.

- Me?

- Yeah.

- Prime Minister of Canada?

- And he's also sent an official letter.

You got your reading glasses on?

- Oh, you'll have to read it to me.

- "As you know, the Prime Minister

was thinking about calling Mr. Osbourne for a long time,

but with the news regarding his health after his accident,

the Prime Minister preferred to wait

until Mr. Osbourne was in good shape.

Mr. Paul Martin, the Prime Minister, is a very busy man.

Nevertheless, he insists on speaking

to Mr. Osbourne as soon as possible.

Here is the info that you will need.

Mr. Osbourne will receive this award

from the hands of the Prime Minister himself.

He would like to award Ozzy the Internal Youth Award

and present him the keys to Montreal.

That can't be bad, can it?

(soft music)

- [KELLY] Mom?

- [SHARON] Yeah?

- [KELLY] Do you have any deodorant?

- [SHARON] Yeah.

- [KELLY] I'm not using that spray organic shit either,

it makes me wanna throw up.

Stinks.

- Anything is better than the way your armpits smell.

- [KELLY] Oh fuck off.

(upbeat music)

- God, please wash your hair, Kelly.

- No.

- It's not nice.

Wash your hair.

- Shut up.

Coming from the woman that washes their hair

once every two weeks,

unless someone blow dries it for her.

I wouldn't go there.

- It's just really greasy, that's all.

- It's really...

Smell it, Melinda.

- Urgh.

It smells like old cigarettes.

- [SHARON] Yeah.

Old shit. - I don't smoke.

- [MELINDA] Are you ready to have a look at these then?

- No, Kelly's going back to her roots.

She's going back to the dirty fanny girl.

- [MELINDA] Urgh.

- [SPEAKER] Smelled the hair yet?

- No, it's disgusting.

It's disgusting.

- Why don't you just have a nice bath and...

- Kelly, you are a 19-year-old, young, gorgeous girl.

Don't do the smelly old ashtray,

I like to sip fuckin' beer in a pub with a fag in my trap.

- [KELLY] I don't smoke cigarettes.

- Yes, I've heard you do.

- From who?

Oh, Jack told you I smoke cigarettes, right?

He's full of fuckin' shit.

- [MELINDA] I actually don't believe

that you smoke cigarettes anyway.

- Thank you, thank you.

(upbeat music)

Ew, Mom.

- My baby.

- But according to the letter,

it says, "As a great admirer of your achievements,

I look forward to our conversation."

- Okay, fair enough.

- "Thanking you in advance with all the congratulations

of the Canadian people.

Signed, Paul Martin, Prime Minister of Canada."

- Oh, that's great.

- Can't be bad, can it?

Maybe the next time we get to...

Oz.

Maybe the next time we get stopped at customs

we can just show them this.

- I'm gonna ask, I'm gonna say,

"Every time I come through your customs,

they give me such a hard time because of when I was young."

- 35 years ago.

- See how you go.

- [TONY] All right.

We'll try 'em over tomorrow, yeah?

- [OZZY] Let's see what Sharon says.

Look.

- [SHARON] What?

- [OZZY] Look.

- Oh, I know about it.

Are you gonna go in and get it?

- Will you come with me?

- Yes, of course I will.

I think it's so exciting, Ozzy.

Let's go.

I think it's so great.

Let's go.

Love that.

Huh?

- [OZZY] Yeah.

- All right, kisses?

- My chest's really bad, Sharon.

(melodic music)

- [SHARON] Shall we take Kelly's car?

- [MELINDA] Yes, why not?

- [SHARON] Yeah.

Look, it's so disgusting.

She really needs a sheep dip.

- She's never gonna change.

Look, look.

- And of course she doesn't smoke.

She can drive the dirty dust bin until my car gets here.

- [MELINDA] All right, drive safely.

- [SHARON] Bye.

- Concentrate.

- Whoa, it smells like the old crocodile hunting boot.

(upbeat music)

(light playful music)

Before you get ready, would you just go

and clean out the black car, darling?

- No.

Why?

- It's disgusting.

It's full of your clothes.

It's full of cigarette ash in the bag.

- There's no cigarette ash in that car

because no one smokes in that car.

- Kelly, I put my hand in the door where you hold it

to pull it closed and there's a fuckin' lighter in there.

- [KELLY] Yeah, well, people might have a lighter on them.

That doesn't necessarily mean they smoke in the car.

Feel clean.

- Kelly, look at you, you dirty...

- Smell her. - Look at her.

She's disgusting.

She's covered in dirt and shit.

- That's where I've been sleeping like that

and I have my eyeliner on my arm.

- Well, would you like to wash?

Have a bath? - No.

- Let me smell your hair.

- [MELINDA] No, smell the under arms.

I leaned up against her before.

It's like onions.

- Oh!

- [MELINDA] That's so unfeminine, Kelly.

(Sharon retching)

- Kelly.

Why?

Kelly, you smell really bad.

- I know.

- [MELINDA] Come on.

- Where are we going?

- To the bathroom.

- I cannot bath in there.

There's no curtains.

- There's about four fucking baths in the house

that you can go in.

This one over here.

Come on, I'll run it.

I run nice ones.

- I don't wanna take a bath yet.

- Why?

- Because.

- Kelly, you got up at three, you've watched TV.

It's now five to five.

- So?

- I'm nearly finished my work day.

- Yeah, but I don't have to do anything, so who cares?

- You wanna come in here and bath?

- [KELLY] No.

I think I'm gonna go back to bed.

- [MELINDA] Don't you need a purpose?

- [KELLY] No.

Fuck off, I have purpose.

(dog yaps)

(gentle music)

- I'm itching to get on my exercise machine

because I've gotta go and receive an award in Canada.

Plus I gotta walk around like a fuckin' bulldog

with this thing around my neck.

- [KELLY] Mom, Melinda's parked on nine one.

Melinda's parked on nine one for you, Mom.

- [SHARON] Kelly's up.

- [OZZY] Melissa?

- Kelly's up.

She must have wet the bed.

Why is she awake?

- [KELLY] Mom, Boris diarrhea'd all over the back of my car.

- [OZZY] Who?

Who? - Oh, poor baby.

- Because we went out to breakfast.

- Who did?

- And I took him with me.

- What's happened?

- The dog shit in the back of Kelly's car.

- Who did?

- Boris. - Boris.

- Boris.

- [SHARON] Kelly's little white Chihuahua.

- Oh.

- [SHARON] Where's Sarah now?

- [KELLY] Downstairs, or in my room.

- [SHARON] Let's get Duke in to do your hair.

- [KELLY] You're so obsessed with like my appearance.

- No, grooming, Kelly.

Grooming and taking care of oneself.

That's very important for a girl.

Okay?

That you don't have this much root

and this much yesterday's makeup on.

And my ganky fuckin' nails.

- I don't, I actually have clean nails right now.

Thank you.

- [SHARON] Let me see.

- [KELLY] Bitch.

- Melinda, can you talk to Duke

and see if he can come this evening to do Kelly's hair?

It actually needs dying red.

She wants to go fire engine red.

- Fuck off.

(melodic music)

- Ready?

- Hello?

- [TONY] He's the president of Canada.

- Hello Prime Minister.

How you doing?

Pardon?

Hello?

Paul, yeah, I'll call you Paul.

Great, thank you.

You can call me whatever you want.

Well, can you explain, what does that mean,

the citizen youth award?

That is, I'm really honored.

I'm really, really honored.

I really mean that Paul.

I'm really, really honored.

Do you want me...

Do you want me to come to Canada to receive it?

Oh yeah, yeah.

I won't swear.

I won't curse.

What the fuck do you think I'm gonna do?

He's fuckin' singing now.

I don't dare do it.

I, I, I.

So, where do we go from here?

I'll hand you back to my assistant.

You give him the date that you want me there

and I'll be there.

Why don't you tell my secretary.

Hold on.

It's a fuckin' windup.

- Hey?

- [OZZY] It's a fuckin' joke.

- Hello.

This is Mr. Dennis.

And this is?

Oh, you're Paul Martin?

I thought you might have been his assistant.

Yes, he said you wanted to discuss the dates

that you wanted to see Mr. Osbourne

to give him this award that you've mentioned.

All right, hold on a second.

- It's a windup.

Tony, it's a fuckin' windup.

- You don't think it's him?

- It's a fuckin' windup.

I mean...

- 'Cause that letter was like an official letter from...

- Ton', you know the easiest thing to do-

- He went through the office to set this up,

you know, through Michael.

- Well, put it this way.

What I wanna do when you finish talking to him,

I'm gonna phone Jim Vallance

and ask him the name of the Prime Minister.

- [TONY] Do you wanna say bye to him?

- Yeah, okay.

- [TONY] Okay, just say bye to him.

Just say, I'll take care of everything from here.

- Paul.

So, I just wanted to say bye and I'll see you in March.

Alright.

God bless you.

Bye.

- Hello?

Oh, he's gone.

- I mean, I've spoke to the dignitaries before

and I've never heard anybody talk like that.

I said to him, "Well, when do you wanna see me?"

He went, "Oh, August, 2006."

I says, "What?"

- He sounded like he was French, but he was-

- Well, of course he's fuckin' French.

- I know, but let's call Jim.

Jim might know about it.

(slow melodic music)

(video game gunfire)

- First of all, can I talk to you?

- I can talk.

- I don't wanna talk to you via video game, Jack.

- I think you're not talking to me via video games.

I can talk to you.

What's on your mind?

- [KELLY] I'm just saying, mom thinks I smoke.

- [JACK] Is she fucking high?

- [KELLY] I don't understand.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

- Is she fuckin' out of her mind?

- Because she's so obsessed with that.

Please, press pause.

- [JACK] I'm listening to you.

- [KELLY] I don't like looking at someone

and they're not looking me in the eye.

- Okay.

Lemme wait till I die.

Kicking some severe ass.

Okay.

- [KELLY] Are you paused now?

- Yeah.

Well, it's just sheer paranoia

because she thinks, oh no, I'm losing my babies.

- No offense, but we're not babies anymore.

(video game gunfire)

It's really frustrating.

- Biatch.

- Then I sat down mom.

I'm like, "Mom, I really need to talk to you."

I go, "Look, I don't want you to have to sit me down

and talk to me about something

that you thought I've done and tell me off."

And it was like, "Mom, I'm almost 20 years old.

I'm beyond that.

I don't wanna deal with it.

I really don't."

Can you please press pause?

- I'm hiding.

You know, sometimes as uncomfortable things are,

sometimes you just have to accept the reality of situations.

Yelling and screaming doesn't change anything when Mom-

- I hate you right now for playing this game.

Please, will you just press stop?

- I'm addicted, Kelly.

- Jack, please just press stop.

- I'm doing well.

- Just turn the television off.

Press pause and turn it off.

- I know what I'll do.

I got it, hold on.

(video game gunfire continues)

- Are you Canadian?

Yeah.

What's the name of your prime minister?

Yeah.

Paul Martin.

Is he French?

Thanks for your help.

Bye.

- I mean, I'm very most probably wrong,

but you never know.

It could be a fuckin' hoax.

There's something about this that...

- Yeah, you're right, there's something...

- Something don't feel right.

- When I spoke to him, I didn't get like...

He didn't sound...

- He sounded hokey.

I mean, I may be wrong.

- I'll tell you what we'll do.

There's a number on here.

I'll call that number back again

and see who answers the phone.

- It wouldn't be the Prime Minister.

- No.

(phone line ringing)

- Okay, there's a message machine that says,

"Welcome to the government of Canada.

You have reached the private office

of Prime Minister Paul Martin.

Please leave a message after the tone."

- Yeah, yeah.

It sounds really good.

All I'm saying-

- [TONY] We should check it out.

- All I'm saying it could be some wise guy who's...

- [TONY] That's true, it could be.

- Who wants to meet me.

So I'm gonna fly to Canada

and there's gonna be some Hell's Angel

plotting to have me killed.

(upbeat music)

I think it's a fuckin' wind up.

- [TONY] Now we're not sure whether it's genuine or not.

- [SPEAKER] I don't know if there's

a Prime Minister of Canada.

- [TONY] No, there is.

I spoke to a Canadian.

- [OZZY] It sounds like a fuckin' wind up.

- [TONY] Trying to find out.

- I spoke to Sharon about it and she said,

"It sounds like a fuckin' wind up."

- Well, we'll call the council general's office.

- [TONY] I'm calling the Canadian embassy right now.

- And see if he can find out if it's authentic or not.

- But what I'm saying is Sam could phone

and say he's fuckin' George Bush.

- [TONY] Oh yeah.

But this letter's got the official stamp,

government stamp on it.

- Yeah, but Tony, I mean, that's what they do.

- No, I'm saying they'll get in serious trouble.

I mean, serious trouble.

If they're trying to fuckin' imitate

the Prime Minister of Canada.

That's big time trouble.

- It probably is the Prime Minister of Canada,

but I don't feel 100%, so...

I don't wanna fly to fuckin' Canada.

I think there's an assassin waiting for me

just around the corner.

- [TONY] Oz.

(upbeat music)

- [KELLY] I swear, I feel like a foot.

- You smell like a foot.

- [KELLY] I know.

- I noticed that right now.

He's making fun of me because I stink.

- [SPEAKER] Then take a shower.

- [KELLY] No.

I haven't showered since New Year.

- Please tell me that you have showered,

that you've like taken a wet wash cloth in certain areas.

- No.

- Ew.

- Maxy, I really don't think that you can eat this.

- What?

Look at this.

- [SPEAKER] No watch, taste it.

Oh my God.

Stop it.

- [KELLY] It tastes like I smell.

- You're gonna like it.

Okay, go away.

You're gonna like it.

(bright classical music)

- All right.

Thanks.

Bye.

I just received a call from a guy

from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police

to say that that letter and email

and phone call that we got was a hoax.

He's going to be proceeding with trying

to prosecute these people

because he says he's actually put

the Prime Minister's signature on the document,

which is highly illegal.

And he can be imprisoned for up to 15 years

for that offense.

So, you know, hopefully they'll catch this guy

because he obviously conned our office

and he's kind of conned me

and it's a waste of Ozzy's time and everybody else's time.

So I'm going to proceed with them while trying to find them

and hopefully they will stop him doing it to anybody else.

And of course, Ozzy, he hasn't had confirmation yet

that it's 100% hoax.

I'll tell him that when he probably comes in here shortly.

(dramatic music)

- [OZZY] It's a fucking wind up.

- Oz.

Just to let you know, I got the phone call

from the Royal Mounted Canadian Police.

- Yeah.

- It is a hoax.

- It is a hoax. - Yes.

- I told you it was. - Yep.

They're going to start criminal proceedings.

And I've told Sam, he's going to report it to the LAPD,

then the LAPD tell the Canadian government.

And it goes from there.

But it is a bullshit story.

Oz.

Oz?

Oz?

- [KELLY'S FRIEND] I feel really gross.

- Then go take a shower.

- Did they say anything about your greasy hair?

- No.

I kept being like nervous about it though.

- I could tell.

- There's this stuff that you put in your hair

that dries it out.

- Talcum powder.

You stick talcum powder in your hair and it dries it out.

- Like how much you put in?

Just like a little bit.

- [KELLY] You take it and you put it in your hand

and rub it through, brush it through.

And you never have to wash your hair.

That's what I do.

- [KELLY'S FRIEND] You never have to wash it?

- [KELLY] No.

- Dude, it stinks.

- My hair doesn't smell.

I just washed it recently.

- Nuh-uh.

What's recent?

Like a week?

- Monday.

It doesn't smell. - Today's Friday.

- Fuck you.

- Today's Friday.

(light melodic music)

♪ If you don't feel well take a bath ♪

♪ With those bubbles scrub your back ♪

♪ Hey, that water's turning black ♪

♪ From your head down to your toes ♪

♪ You'll be smelling like a rose ♪

♪ Take a bath, take a bath, take a bath ♪

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes..."

- Banana, fruit.

- [SHARON] Eggs.

- Write that down.

I can't stand going shopping.

I'd rather fucking cut my arm off.

It's a woman's thing.

Do you know guys, as guys get older,

they get breasts.

- [JACK] You sound like a woman.

- I'm not a woman.

I'm a man.

Drop your weapon!

(no audio)

It's a fuckin' windup.