Original subtitles

(engine revving)

- I'm just gonna go a lap around the field.

- [ASSISTANT] Hey Kelly, your mom.

I got your mom on the line.

- What's wrong?

♪ A thousand thousand voices ♪

♪ Whispering, whispering, whispering ♪

♪ The time has passed for choices ♪

♪ Golden days are passing over ♪

- I've gotta go, I've gotta go.

♪ I can't seem to see you baby ♪

♪ Although my eyes are open wide ♪

- [JACK] So, is dad all right?

- He's got bleeding in one lung

and they might have to go in and operate on that.

They've got a specialist on the way to see him.

- [JACK] He fucked himself up bad.

- Big time Jack.

♪ Yes I'll see you ♪

♪ I'll see you on the other side ♪

♪ Crazy, hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people, living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

- Fucking hell.

- Two tablets.

- Yeah.

- Four times a day.

- Yeah.

- All right, it says that it might make you drowsy.

Keep off machinery.

That includes quad bikes,

even though it's not specifically written.

- I'll never ride a quad bike as long as I live.

- [DOCTOR] Okay.

- Thanks so much Doc,

I can't thank you enough.

- No problem.

Okay, look forward to seeing you get back

in the land of the living.

- All right, god bless.

(upbeat music)

I've still go no recollection.

Sam, still got no idea what happened.

- And you may never remember Oz.

- The doctor said the other day,

it's a good thing that you don't remember

because people that remember go in,

I've got the term, what's it called?

Post Traumatic Syndrome.

They won't get in a car again, or they won't go out.

- Well, the thought maybe of me kissing you

might send you into post traumatic syndrome.

- He's hanging in.

He's just dying to get back here.

- You know I died twice.

They had to put me on life support.

I never died before.

- Can you believe it for him?

My poor husband.

(slow music)

- For some reason,

I'm really, really missing my wife.

That fucking knock on the head

must have done something.

- I am so in love with your husband.

Are you ready for this?

- Come on.

I love my husband so much.

I love him.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] What was the quote?

- He's going to invent a neck brace that's comfortable.

- I feel like some fucking Kung Fu expert's

given me a fucking whack in the back of the neck.

I had a Suzuki chop.

Guaranteed to stop a rock star in his tracks.

(upbeat music)

My new addiction.

Would you mind going to the cake shop for me?

Eclairs.

They're unbelievable.

They're great.

Get me six.

Hello Shar, two more days and I'm gonna be there.

- I know daddy, a few more days and you'll be home.

What's it like there today?

- It's pissing damning rain.

Typical English weather today.

- [SHARON] You've gotta get away from

those chocolate eclairs.

- [OZZY] They're fucking addictive.

- You're insane.

- I'm missing you like fucking crazy.

We're all like big overgrown saps missing our wives.

- You wouldn't believe the people

that have been calling.

We've kept every card and every list

of everyone that's called for you, my darling.

- [OZZY] I love you so much boo.

- All right, love you.

- Love you, bye.

(upbeat music)

- [TRAINER] So, he's gonna be fine?

- It's gonna take about six months to recover.

His collar bone collapsed

and pinched his main artery.

So they replaced the artery

and take it from his leg and all that.

And he cracked his neck.

And he also apparently punctured a lung.

He got pretty fucked up.

- Every day that I wake up

it hurts somewhere else.

My hips are what hurts this morning.

I must have gone down like a fucking rock.

I must have gone down like a fucking boulder.

- You were flying.

You were literally flying.

- But you know what put me off the hospital?

They wouldn't let me use the bathroom.

It's so humiliating when you gotta take a crap

in the middle of a fucking room

with doctors, nurses, patients,

everybody walking past.

You can't, I never went to the bathroom

for fucking 12 days.

I was trying to hold onto it

'cause I felt so embarrassed.

I was just, show me the fucking toilet.

They go listen Mr. Osbourne,

we see this everyday.

I said, but I don't and I feel,

I don't feel comfortable.

Fucking weird though.

(upbeat music)

- Going to get a haircut.

- Yay.

Hi Miracle, daddy's gonna be a new man.

- [HAIRDRESSER] Hi, how are you?

- It's been about two years since I've had a haircut.

- [HAIRDRESSER] How's your dad doing?

- How's he doing?

- [HAIRDRESSER] Yeah.

- Uh, he's doing all right actually.

He's complaining about not having enough pain killers

like always but...

- [HAIRDRESSER] That's good, that's a good sign.

- Yeah.

- Okay, so I'm thinking like,

like modified Jim Morrisson.

Kinda short but still long.

What are you thinking?

- Sure.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

- I think it's much better.

- Yeah, definitely.

- Looks awesome.

- [SHARON] Did you hear what happened?

Two guests dropped off.

- What?

What are you talking about?

- No, the publicist was here

and was somebody that was on tomorrow

Antony Debaglioni or...

- [MELINDA] Anthony LaPaglia?

- Who's Anthony LaPaglia?

- [MELINDA] He's an Australian actor, did he drop out?

- Yeah, the publicist was here with somebody today

and she went he's not coming in tomorrow.

- [ASSISTANT] Because of why?

Because of...

- Because they didn't like my behavior.

- [ASSISTANT] You know what,

he's not the only fucking actor...

- Oh, for God's sake.

Why are people so fucking miserable?

(upbeat piano music)

- Is it tight enough?

- Yeah, it's a bit too tight actually.

- Yeah?

All right.

- My eyeballs are popping out.

- I don't know, you probably been

a hangman in your last life.

- I think I should just have a show

of people who cancel or who's publicist

won't let them come on

and I should just hold up pictures of them.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] All week long.

- All week long.

I really wanted this person

but the publicist said that they couldn't come on.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] You're not bitter.

- I'm not bitter.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Not at all.

- I'm glad.

I like to be a secret.

I want to be a secret.

I want a small group of people that like me.

I don't want, I need to be underground.

I do not need to be well known.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] No.

- No.

People don't like me anymore.

- [JACK] What do you mean?

Your ratings gone down?

- The publicist's don't like me.

They're pulling all their clients from my show.

- [JACK] Our publicists?

- No, other people's publicists

because they say I'm too riskay.

- [FRIEND] Right, but that's why people are watching it.

So that'll blow over.

- It's not the actual artists,

but it's the publicists that hate me

'cause they think that I'm gonna ask something

that I shouldn't.

- [JACK] Well mom, you did ask Mandy if she'd ever had sex.

- Excuse me.

Do people, no I asked if she had sex with her boyfriend.

- [JACK] Yeah.

- Now, do people wanna know that or not?

Do they?

- But mom, you can't ask a girl like that

if she has sex.

You can ask a girl like Kelly.

But you don't ask fucking Mandy Moore.

(slow piano music)

- I just wanted to say I'm sorry

about what happened with Mandy yesterday.

I did ask if she'd had sex with her boyfriend.

I should never have done it.

Believe me, I would never usually do this

but I love Mandy, I respect her,

I would never ever do anything to hurt Mandy.

And she's a child and I'm a mom

and I would never do that

and I love her.

And um, listen, I know that you're not

too keen on me professionally

but I am what I am, I can't apologize for it.

But I would never hurt Mandy ever.

That's not what I do.

Okay, all right, thanks, bye.

- What you're gonna see there

when you get in the room

is some of the consultants that treated you.

You're gonna see some of the nurses

and you're gonna see the telephone operator.

- [OZZY] What telephone operator.

- Who took all the calls

when you were in hospital.

- [OZZY] Yeah.

- So, you're gonna meet her.

I don't know if you just wanna,

you know, like thank her for all that extra work, you know.

Because they went above and beyond the call of duty.

- I'm just gonna say,

whilst I was in this hospital

I received nothing but the best kind of treatment

and I feel that I should donate to this hospital

for doing such a great job with me.

That's what I'm saying.

- Well, I would say something like,

you know, I'd like to make this donation

to the NHS and also, there's a girl down there called Susan,

who's the...

- [OZZY] Don't give me any names, I'll forget.

- Okay, well there's a girl down there called Susan...

- [OZZY] I just said, don't give me any names.

I'll forget.

- [TONY] I mean I gotta address her as a name,

I can't just say there's gonna be a girl there.

- Tony, I have a memory about as good

as a fucking flower garden.

I got no memory, Ton.

- Okay, so this lady'll be there.

I'll introduce you to her.

- I ain't gonna read any fucking letter

or anything, am I Ton?

- No, what'll happen is, you'll, this guy...

- Who, where would I get the check from?

- Okay, well there's a girl down there called Susan,

who's the director of the hospital.

- [OZZY] I just said don't give me any names.

(upbeat music)

- They won't let me say what I wanna say on the show.

They won't let me do the things that I wanna do.

It's like, so I go there,

the guests are all dropping off,

so then they go, okay we're now gonna do shows

on human interest.

We're now gonna do a make over show.

I swore to myself I would never do cooking,

I would never do make overs,

'cause I don't give a shit about them.

They're making me do things like teen sex problems

and all this shit and it's like,

I don't wanna talk about shit.

- You know, I gotta say this,

and I know you don't wanna hear it

but I just knew this show was gonna end bad.

I knew it from the get go.

- It's all about figures,

it's all about advertising.

They don't care about me.

- Yeah, but you're doing well though.

- But not well enough for them.

I can't compete with Jerry Springer and Maury,

who's slot I'm right in the middle of.

- Do you really wanna go back to managing?

- No.

Never managing.

- What else you gonna do?

- Um, I'll cook in a restaurant.

I'm a good cook.

- Yeah right.

- I don't wanna put myself in a position

where they turn around and say, see ya.

I would rather just say to them,

look, this is what I wanna do

and I'll just deal with it head on.

Get that fucking meeting at 10 o'clock in the morning.

Okay, thanks bye.

- [KELLY] What's happening?

- Huh?

- [KELLY] What's that?

- Well, I don't wanna do the show anymore.

You know that, right?

And I said, I don't wanna do the show anymore

and they're not happy with me

'cause they don't like me

and so it's like...

- [KELLY] They don't like you?

- No.

- Why?

- They just don't.

It's mutual, so fuck 'em.

(upbeat music)

♪ Loneliness is the cloak you wear ♪

Hi darling.

- It's over, did you resign?

- Earlier tonight.

- It saddens me because of how hard you worked on it

but don't you upset yourself baby.

For a first run, you did fucking well.

- Yeah, you're right.

- [OZZY] What you gotta boil it down to

is it was training for your next venture.

- All right my darling, everything's good.

♪ The sun ain't gonna shine anymore ♪

- [OZZY] She resigned.

- [TONY] From where?

- [OZZY] Well, what do you think she's resigned from?

- From the show?

Her talk show?

- [OZZY] Yeah.

- You're kidding.

Resigned?

- [OZZY] What?

- Resigned?

- [OZZY] Ton, she's thrown the towel in.

- But does she have to continue for the time being?

- She has to do it until the contract runs out.

I'm glad she's done what she's done

'cause she never stopped working.

I'd go to bed with her at night

and she'd be reading tomorrow's script.

And I said Sharon, one time I said Sharon,

are we married?

- Well, if that's what she wants

I'm really glad she's done it.

- Packed in?

- Yeah, what does resigned mean?

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] It's over.

- [KELLY] Mom, but I don't understand.

You get such good ratings.

I don't understand why they don't...

- I'm an oddball.

I don't fit, do I?

Have you spoken to daddy today?

- Every time I pick up the phone to him,

uh your mother there?

Your mother.

He doesn't wanna talk to anyone but you.

Mom, let me do this for you.

I don't know what you're doing.

- No, no, no.

- Look at me.

- No, no, no.

- Mom.

- No, Kelly.

- Have you looked at your eye makeup?

Look at me, don't move.

I don't know what you're doing here.

- If you are doing it stupid.

- [KELLY] No, I'm not.

I swear to god, I would never do that to you.

Close your eyes.

- I'm gonna wet myself.

I can tell that this is really fucking stupid.

You're laughing, aren't you?

- No, I'm not.

Don't move, I'm fixing your face.

What have you got on your eye?

- Kelly.

How far is that fucking wing going out?

It's like round here.

- Now, go look.

I think it's pretty.

- Oh Kelly.

You've made me look like a fucking idiot.

- No, I think it's better than you look.

- Kelly, you are insane.

I'm gonna wet myself.

Go away.

- [KELLY] Why?

- You just made me look ridiculous.

- [KELLY] How?

Let me look at you.

- [SHARON] Because...

- You look like you'd had

yesterday's makeup on before.

It's just thicker.

- Well, I think I'd rather have yesterday's makeup on,

than fucking the next week's.

I look like fucking Tutin Kamun right now.

Look at me.

I look like a fucking idiot.

Fuck off Kelly.

- I don't think you look like an idiot.

(upbeat music)

- We came to an agreement, the two of us.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] And what's that?

- Unless we can work together, we're not working.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Really?

- Yeah.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Good.

- And that's what we decided.

We're only working together

and we're not going away.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] No?

- One goes, we both go.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] I think that's a good plan Sharon.

- We spent too many years being apart.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Yeah.

- [MELINDA] Sharon.

- [SHARON] Yeah.

- Ozzy's on the phone.

- [SHARON] My husband.

- Yes, your husband, here I'll put you on Ozzy.

And I look forward to seeing you.

Be good, god bless.

- Hello.

How excited are you to be coming home?

- I'm just getting antsy 'cause I wanna

get on the fucking plane.

- I can't wait to see you daddy.

I just can't wait to see you.

I'm so excited.

- I just thought I could tell you I love you

and I'll be to you as soon as this fucking plane

can get me there.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Your man's coming home.

(upbeat music)

- I'm going home with eight broken ribs,

broken neck, smashed collar bone,

so I'm going back with more than I came.

Thank you for everything.

Sit for 11 hours with this fucking thing on me.

(upbeat music)

♪ Time after time, I guess that love is blind ♪

♪ I couldn't read your mind, line after line ♪

- We need to get a huge banner to welcome home Ozzy.

♪ Line after line ♪

- Sharon said, she doesn't want anything over the top,

just you know, just thousands of dollars

worth of balloons, a sky writing plane.

♪ Time after time ♪

♪ Day after day, I watched loved fade away ♪

♪ I wanted love to stay, day after day ♪

♪ The games we played ♪

♪ The foolish things we say ♪

♪ The pain won't go away ♪

♪ Day after day ♪

- [OZZY] Would you mind going to the cake shop for me?

(upbeat music)

Eight broken ribs, a broken neck,

I got a fucking, I'm worth more in scrap metal

than I am in fucking anything else.

Do you wanna buy a quad bike?

It's a bit damaged.

(upbeat music)

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- [TONY] The Prime Minister of Canada sent you an email.

- Me?

- Yeah.

- The Prime Minister of Canada?

- [TONY] Mr. Osbourne will receive the keys

to the city of Montreal.

- Where are you going tonight?

- I'm going dancing.

- [MELINDA] Are you going to wash your hair before you go?

- No, and I'm not gonna shower either

so don't even ask.

- Hello Prime Minister, how are you doing?

This guy's a fucking winder.

It's a fucking joke.

- [SHARON] Dirty.

- [MELINDA] You smell bad.

- Look at her, she's disgusting.

It's not nice, wash your hair.