Original subtitles

- I remember when I was in Fiji one time.

- [TONY] Yeah.

- And I'm snorkeling with his fucking son,

right in this fucking lagoon.

So I tap him and I go...

And he takes off.

And I'm going, "He's fucking seen something."

So I start swimming like the fuckin' clappers,

my fuckin' arms are going,

my legs are going like the fuckin'...

I'm swimming like an airborne motor.

I'm swimming up the fuckin' beach.

I stop swimming when I get to the fuckin' guard star,

and I've got sand and shit and seaweed.

I said, "What do you see, man?"

He goes, "Something touched me."

I said, "It was me, you fucking asshole."

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(bright music)

- We're going sea fishing tomorrow morning for the day.

You guys should come along.

We need some bait.

(all laughing)

- There's not a lot of the big boys

around at the moment, apparently.

But there's big halibut.

What else was there?

Oh God.

Not the ones that come up with the giant teeth

and bite your arse off.

- Since I had Jack, I had this fantasy

of taking him on a fishing trip.

This is, like, my fifth attempt over the years.

- So we're definitely going fishing.

No pulling out like, "Oh no, no, no, no.

I'm not going today."

- [DAVID] Too late now.

That's it, we're out there.

- Shake on that.

- Shake hands.

You looking forward to the fishing trip tomorrow?

- I'm so excited.

It's gonna be so much fun.

Tony's gonna come.

- Whoever gets sea sick's over the side,

because I'm not gonna go around the bay and come back

like I usually am.

- Nope.

Fuck that.

(gentle music)

(birds chirping)

- Jack.

Jack.

It's half eight.

We're leaving at nine.

Are you coming fishing?

- [JACK] Yeah, I am.

- [OZZY] We're going half in hour, Jack.

- [JACK] Okay.

- And bring some shorts and a jacket, Jack.

- [JACK] Okay.

(melodic music)

- Big muffins.

Christ, did you get any small ones?

- Oh, you want the little mini ones?

- These fucking things are like a wedding cake.

- [SPEAKER] You want some more coffee in that, Ozzy?

- [OZZY] Hang on.

(playful music)

I can't deal with this fuckin' giant...

- Oh, there you go.

Okay, there.

That's okay, 'cause the other one needs to get fixed.

Is it the one in Long Beach?

- I dunno.

Tony arranged it.

I believe it's down at the marina.

- Oh, okay, that one is nice.

- But as long as it's not the fuckin' minnow,

I don't give a shit.

- Have you got any sun tan cream or...

- Got the worst.

- Oh great.

- Also, David, if I were you, and I'm not being funny,

I'd see if you can get a baseball cap off Jack,

'cause the sun's gonna go straight down

and you're gonna get a fuckin' napper burn.

- Actually, I hadn't thought about that.

- Jack's gotta have a couple.

Jack?

Have you got a couple of baseball bats for me and David?

- [JACK] Baseball bats?

- Baseball hats, I mean.

- I only have one.

There's two right there though.

They're the only ones I can find.

- They'll be all right.

Yo, Dec.

- Hey, Ozzy.

- Morning Louis.

- [LOUIS] How are you, Jack?

- I'm all right.

- Have we got a couple of little towels?

- They've got 'em on the boat.

- Have they?

- They should have.

- Well, they should.

- [JACK] In case they don't, I'll get some.

- [DAVID] Yeah, just in case.

- Well, if you gotta a fuckin' shelp another...

- [JACK] Dad, I got mine.

- No, I'll just put 'em in the car.

If they've got 'em on the boat, great,

we'll leave him in the car.

If they haven't, we'll shlep them on.

- The car park's genuinely about

fuckin' a mile away from...

Have you got Tony's phone?

Call Tony's cell phone and ask him.

Should we bring towels or should we not?

- Right.

Okay Oz.

That's good thinking, Batman.

- [OZZY] Fuckin' Chinese for breakfast.

- Yeah, I can hear you now, Tony.

Tony, just checking.

Are there towels on the boat do you know?

Or should we bring some?

Alright, we'll just stick a couple in the back of the car

just in case.

Alright, Ton'.

All right, Tony. - Sunglasses.

- Bye. - Jacket.

Hat. - Tony made a blue blue.

♪ We are going to catch some fish ♪

We ready?

No food in my car please.

Eat that before you get in.

Where's Jack?

You know Jack, Jack's just like his fuckin' mother.

You cannot fuckin' get on his case.

He's never on time.

He takes his own time, just like his fuckin' mother.

Just like Sharon.

- [JACK] Got the towels?

- [DAVID] Huh?

Yeah, we got the towels in the back, Jack.

(upbeat music)

- [OZZY] You didn't tell us it was

a fuckin' minesweeper we got, Tony.

- [JACK] Fuckin' hell, Ton'.

- [OZZY] I'll be touring for the next 500 years

to pay the fuckin' fee.

Fuck me, man.

- [DAVID] I've never been on a fishing boat this size.

- It's the Titanic.

Hi, I'm Ozzy.

- Ozzy, I'm Rick.

- How you doing, Rick?

- It's a pleasure. - I'm Trevor.

- We ain't gonna sink, are we?

Everybody on board?

We ready to roll?

- Yeah.

(melodic music)

♪ Sailing over the Dogger Bank ♪

♪ Oh, wasn't it a treat ♪

♪ Wind a-blowing east-nor'-east ♪

♪ We had to give a sheet ♪

♪ You ought to see us runnin' the wind a-blowin' free ♪

♪ On a passage from the Dogger Bank to gray Grimsby ♪

- This is the first time we've got no chicks,

we've got no fuckin' gacking fuckin...

- Nannies.

- Nannies.

We've got no fuckin'...

But you know, it's guys, you know?

- [JACK] Yeah.

- This is the first time...

I've been dreaming of taking my son fishing

for fuckin' as long as I can remember.

- [ANNOUNCER] If you're walking around the boat,

always remember to use common sense.

Keep one hand on the rail.

Always watch where you're putting your feet.

Especially you're going-

- It's like being on a fuckin' prison ship.

- Down the stairs, use the hand rail provided.

And once again, a little bit of common sense

goes a long way.

You guys picked a really, really nice day to come out.

Go make the most of it.

(firecracker bangs)

- You got any more?

Yeah?

- Here.

Here, hold on.

- [SPEAKER] Gotta spark before it's lit.

- Go, go!

(firecracker bangs)

(all laughing)

- [SPEAKER] Let's do the big one.

- What? - Let's do the big one.

- No.

We need to wait, we need to wait.

- No, do the big one.

- We can't do the big one.

We're not gonna do the big one.

- [OZZY] I wanna do the big one.

- [CAPTAIN] Let me see this time bomb you have.

- Which one?

The big one?

That's the old man's trying to do it.

I don't know.

- I got a problem with this.

I don't want this.

- Okay. - No problem.

- Thank you very much, captain.

- [SPEAKER] Of course, no problem.

- Throw the fuckin' thing.

Do me a favor.

- Just throw it away?

- [OZZY] Just throw the fuckin' thing away.

No, I'm telling you.

I'm your father, I'm telling you,

throw the fuckin' tthing over the side.

Please, now.

Throw the fuckin' thing. - Aint no winning.

- [OZZY] Go on.

Thank you very much.

(upbeat music)

It's nice, man.

We got no chicks.

But you know, it's guys, you know.

Sharon?

- [SHARON] You guys are having fun?

- Yeah, having a laugh, you know.

Finally, it's only taken me 17 years

to get my son on a boat with a bunch of guys, you know.

All right then darling, I'll speak to you later.

- [SPEAKER] You guys wanna get a jackpot going?

You guys wanna do a jackpot?

Hey, you put in five bucks a piece

and whoever gets the heaviest fish-

- No, make it worth our while.

- All right. - How much?

- [OZZY] 50 bucks.

- 50 bucks each?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- [DAVID] I got a hundred.

Can anyone break it?

- I can but it's-

- Wait, I'll put in for Tony.

- Okay, cool.

- [RICK] All right, so there's two.

I gotta get his money.

Do it like that.

- Oh no, do it like that.

I see what you mean.

- You give him 50.

- Now you owe me 10.

- Now let's get you guys in the back of the boat,

I'll give you guys a demonstration.

- Okay.

- What you wanna do, we have cut squid

and we have live anchovies.

Take your choice.

What you wanna do is get it straight down to the bottom.

To get it down there,

you put your squid on each one of the hooks.

Put your thumb right here on the spool

and that thing go back.

You know why it's not going down?

- [DAVID] You got your thumb on it.

- I wish everybody was as smart as you.

That's exactly right.

You coast it down with your thumb.

You let it go like that, gonna get a big backlash in it.

- [OZZY] Okay.

- That's all there is to it.

Okay. - Right on.

- Squid.

Just hook through one time,

'cause you want a flap hanging down there.

Kinda like a little teaser.

These anchovies just wanna go straight through the mouth,

right through the old noggin there.

But try to miss the brain because that'll kill 'em.

(upbeat music)

- Do fish sleep?

- No.

- Oh, yeah.

If you watch goldfish sometimes at night,

you'll see them, like perfectly still.

- And they lie like that on their sides, don't they?

They just sort of float around.

- [OZZY] Do they masturbate?

(Tony laughing)

- Do they masturbate?

(gentle music)

- [RICK] Let's go fishing.

- [OZZY] Man your battle station.

(Ozzy pretends to sneeze)

(David laughs)

Can you help me do this?

(gentle music continues)

- Got a double over there.

Check them out.

- They just jump on the hooks here, don't they?

- Yeah!

Now we're hangin'.

- I bet he ain't fuckin' married.

You married?

- No sir, I'm not.

- I wonder why.

Same fuckin' fish.

It's the same fish.

There's only one fish.

It's a fuckin' con.

It's one fish.

All the rest are dead.

It's the same fuckin' fish again.

It's the same fuckin' fish.

There's one fish here.

We keep catching the fuckin' thing.

He's on contract to the boat.

(Tony laughing)

- [RICK] Get 'em, Ozzy!

- [DAVID] Ozzy's on.

- [FISHERMAN] I think you lost him, Oz.

Jack's on!

Ah!

- [FISHERMAN] Jack's off.

- [JACK] That was a big one though.

(upbeat music)

♪ Well it only took 17 years ♪

♪ For the father and son to don their gear ♪

♪ With bait and fishing rods they sailed for the high seas ♪

♪ Yay that solitude they crave from the girls ♪

♪ They're getting away for a while ♪

♪ So they can play on the high seas ♪

♪ Oh they're fishermen for the very first time ♪

♪ And they're catching only wee small fries ♪

♪ As the seagulls swoop and fly on the high seas ♪

♪ Well, it only took 17 years ♪

♪ For father and son to don their gear ♪

♪ With bait and fishing rods they sail for the high seas ♪

- Tony's first.

♪ You got soul baby ♪

- [TONY] Yeah!

Biggest one yet, man.

- [JACK] Hey, nice bat.

- [DAVID] Wow.

- [OZZY] That's a good fish.

Well done, Tony.

- Whoa, hold on, man. - Get it, Oz.

- [ALL] Whoa!

- [FISHERMAN] Fuckin' hell, man.

Look at that.

- [OZZY] Fuckin' hell.

♪ Don't cry little fish ♪

♪ Don't cry don't cry ♪

- [RICK] Here he goes again.

- [OZZY] Hey!

He's fuckin' working for a conglomeration.

Throw one to the pelican, Ton'.

- [SPEAKER] Give us a fish, give us a fish!

- [FISHERMAN] Oh, look, look, the right.

- [OZZY] Fuckin' hell.

It's become a fuckin' joke.

- Take these off.

- Tony, are you just like a one man band down there or what?

Let somebody else have a chance.

- My fuckin' bait's gone again.

Are you fuckin' joking, you cunt?

Is somebody under us putting the fish on your fuckin' line?

- No!

- How come I've got a fuckin' thing

and I aint caught fuck all.

- Nice and easy, Ozzy.

You don't wanna lose it.

- [FISHERMAN] Jackpot!

- [DAVID] Does it feel different, Oz?

- Yeah, it's got legs.

It's got a snorkel tank on.

It's Jacques Cousteau.

- [DAVID] Hey, what your goolies, Oz.

- [FISHERMAN] Come on, get him up here, Oz!

- Ooh.

I can see...

Ooh, what is that? - Get him up!

- [SPEAKER] What is it?

- [DAVID] It's a fuckin' tin.

(all laughing)

- Is this a fuckin' joke?

- [DAVID] Ozzy!

- [SPEAKER] What is it?

- You fuckin' assholes.

(all laughing)

- That was...

Not guilty, your honor.

- You fucking...

If you catch a case of Corona, let me know.

- Can you take this photograph for us?

- [SPEAKER] All right guys.

One, two.

Nice.

(upbeat music)

♪ What shall we do with a drunken sailor ♪

♪ What shall we do with a drunken sailor ♪

♪ What shall we do with a drunken sailor ♪

♪ Early in the morning ♪

(upbeat music continues)

- It has taken me 17 years, just as old as my son is,

to finally go fishing with my son,

like every father should do once in his life.

'Cause every time I've attempted it before in the past,

the kids, oh, their mates are coming

Everybody's been throwing up,

we've had to turn round and go back.

Every fuckin' time.

Finally.

You know, if you keep...

If you keep on persevering,

eventually you'll get what you want, you know?

What you got, Jack?

- I don't know yet, but it's big.

Not that big.

- I was trying to steady your rod for you.

- [RICK] Nice and easy, Jack.

- [OZZY] It's the same fuckin' fish again.

- Here Ozzy, you want a couple of fish?

Take over.

Put your left hand in front of the reel.

That a way.

- Yeah!

I've caught a bird.

- [DAVID] You mother...

- See, you bitch!

(all laughing)

- [DAVID] He's fuckin' mad, that guy.

- Oh, what was that Jaws?

Was that a shark? - Trying to catch a fish.

- It looks a bit like a shark.

But it had one eye...

And he was a bit pissed off.

Did I just hallucinate or did it have fins, Jack?

Jack?

Did I just hallucinate or did I see a fin come by?

- It was a seal.

- It was a seal?

(indistinct chatter)

- They were yours?

- Big Tony.

Tony T.

- Yeah!

- [OZZY] He's a fuckin' nutter.

- There's the money right there.

- [SPEAKER] Thanks Jack.

- Fuck you.

- Is that your jackpot?

(upbeat music)

- Do you know I've been waiting 17 years

to take my son fishing.

Finally, son.

- Finally the fishing trip.

- In case you guys are jumping right off,

I wanna thank you very much for coming out.

It was a pleasure having you guys.

- [OZZY] The pleasure is mine.

Thank you very much guys.

Thank you.

Thank you guys.

- What's up, Oz?

Right on, man.

- Thank you.

Thank you, sir. - Good to meet you.

- Been a pleasure.

(indistinct chatter)

- [JACK] That was a blast.

(melodic music)

- [DAVID] Right, we ready?

- [JACK] Yep.

- [DAVID] Let's go.

Thanks guys, that was lovely.

- [OZZY] You're welcome, David.

- [DAVID] It was really a great, great day.

- 17 years.

Finally go fishing with my son.

Gets fuckin' half blowfish...

- [JACK] Ah, thanks dad.

- [OZZY] You're welcome.

- [JACK] Had a really fun time.

I need to take a shower.

- [SPEAKER] Did you have a good time?

- [DAVID] Stupid question.

- How was the fishing?

- Great.

- Did anybody catch a fish?

- We all caught fish.

- Yeah, of course we did.

They fileted it all.

- All fileted, cleaned, boned, right in their fish fingers.

- I see you can't get it, it's still wiggling.

It's the best sushi. - Fish fingers?

- It's the best sushi in the world, that.

- Let's get the frying pan out.

- No!

But you had fun?

I'm so glad.

- Do you know how long it took me

for me to take my son fishing?

- Yes.

17 years. - 17 years.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes..."

- Dude, we're going to England.

- [SHARON] We miss you, Jack.

No riding the bikes drunk and no playing with the guns.

(upbeat music)

- [JACK] I wish Rola could see this place.

- I'm like the nutty professor.

- I'll have to get Minnie pregnant.

She can have babies that we can take care of.

- I've gone fuckin' crazy on carrot cake.

Perfect.