Original subtitles

- Some jam pudding.

Oh no.

You fucking thing.

How do I get these fucking things?

Come on, you fucking thing?

(can opener whirs)

Oh, fuck this.

I'll leave it.

Forget it.

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

- Mommy. - What, my darling?

- I'm not going into New York.

(phone rings)

- [SHARON] Please, come out the bunker.

- Sharon. - Hello?

- It's my bunker.

(both laugh)

- [JACK] Dad's not going.

- You mean Ozzy's not gonna go?

- No.

- He's not going? - I was just told

he's not going.

- He told me that he was gonna go with you.

- He's not gonna go.

- Your dad, he's not going. - And then you won't be going.

- I won't be going if he's not going.

- He doesn't wanna leave the bunker.

- He's not going.

- Yeah.

- Get me some cereal immediately.

I'm pregnant, my child is hungry, and I need a drink quick.

(upbeat music) (phone clicks)

Oh, do you smell chicken?

♪ Oh yeah yeah ♪

- I found out today that I'm pregnant.

I've always wanted to have kids,

but then in the last six months,

I was like, why wait, you know? (laughs)

♪ Whenever I'm with you, I feel so special ♪

♪ And I hope you feel it too ♪

- Let's put an outfit on.

♪ But you know that you're the missing combination ♪

♪ To my heart ♪

(upbeat music concludes)

(Sharon knocks)

- Rob!

Rob, I just wanted to come and say goodbye.

- Aw. - You take care,

and take care of Ozzy.

I love you.

Come on, Min.

Finished.

Why don't the two of you go out

and like get to know each other just a little bit better?

- I've enjoyed the peace and quiet around this place.

(bag zippers)

(suitcase crashes)

(upbeat music)

I can breathe.

(plane whooshes)

- [KELLY] Can you stop touching my stuff!

- [SHARON] Don't aggravate your sister.

(hair dryer whirs)

- I fucking hate the dryer.

(brush scratches)

(upbeat music)

I had the house to myself,

and it's wonderful, peaceful and quiet.

I'm just gonna do what I wanna do today.

Luxury.

♪ From di day mi born, Jah ignite mi flame ♪

♪ Gyal ah call wi name, it is mi fame ♪

♪ It's all good, girl, turn me on ♪

♪ 'Til a early morn', let's get it on ♪

♪ Let's get it on 'til a early morn' ♪

♪ Girl, it's all good, jus turn me on ♪

♪ Yo, shake dat ting, miss Cana, Cana ♪

♪ Shake dat ting, yo, Annabella ♪

♪ Shake dat ting, miss Donna, Donna ♪

♪ Shake dat ting ♪

♪ I gotta get on over to the west side of town ♪

♪ That's the place to go when you gotta flow ♪

♪ With the coolest cats ♪

(relaxed jazz music)

- I'm so glad you came over.

It's so lonely.

- I'm cold, I'm tired.

I just need this.

This is what you need.

This is what mothers need.

Minnie.

Minnie will help you through the labor.

- Oh. - She'll be there

with her little paws on your tummy.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

- [MELINDA] And then she'll bite the baby

as it comes out. - Of course, she will.

She'll attack it. (Melinda laughs)

- The back plate (indistinct).

Your arms are expected not only to hold a shield,

but also to wield a sword.

- [NARRATOR] Elite paratrooper units

have played a key role in allied invasions from-

(remote beeps)

(relaxed music)

- I'm forever on the sex channel.

Well, it's getting better

from the fucking weather channel.

- If like my first child's a girl,

I'm gonna try as hard as fuck

to have a second child be a boy.

Are you gonna go to Lamaze classes or whatever they are?

- I don't know, Jack.

- You gotta think about this shit,

and you better start reading up.

(phone rings)

- Hello. - Hello, my darling.

- So when you coming home?

Miss you to death.

- Minnie would look good as an executive behind a desk.

- Hello?

Hello?

- Now listen to me.

- Hello?

- Right, Minnie?

- Fucking hell.

She does this to me all the fucking time.

She's talking to someone having a conversation.

I'm stuck like a prick on the fucking phone.

Hello!

Oh, oh.

(upbeat jazz music)

♪ Over the hills and far away ♪

- Do you know what?

What gets me about American money,

it's all the same size,

all the same color, all the same everything,

but the number isn't something provided

for blind people on the dollar bill on the money.

You gotta be a very trusting blind person.

How the fuck do blind people get on?

(quirky music)

He's a great little guy.

Man after me own heart.

We called him Sparky.

He's like a little fucking spark.

Go on, my son.

Watch this.

Go straight on.

Bit of foreplay.

Oh, play now to get...

Go on, my son.

It's Monica Lewinsky in the dog world.

This dog's a rockstar.

It's like doggy porn.

And she ain't no better.

Look at this.

Go on, my son, go on, my son.

Give it some Willy.

Go on, go on, my son.

There you go, my son.

Make some more fucking dogs for the house.

Come on, my son.

Go for it.

No, it's down the other end.

(quirky music continues)

(quirky music)

(upbeat music)

- [MELINDA] So cute.

Have a look at this gorgeous towel.

- Oh, and then you wrap 'em up like a burrito.

- Mhm. - Yeah.

Oh, a burrito. - How adorable.

- How cute is that?

And look at the mitten, Jude,

to wash the baby every day.

- [JUDE] Aw.

(all laugh)

- And then you can clean the toilet

and the countertops with it,

and it comes in very handy.

(quirky music)

(horn honks)

- [SAM] Robert's back maybe.

♪ Put up the bass ♪

(upbeat music)

(horn honks)

(door clicks)

(car beeps)

- Hey.

(calm blues music)

♪ Been feeling so lonely, restless, and blue ♪

♪ Been having fun nowhere ♪

- Hi, Rob.

I'm making a salad.

Rob.

(door clicks)

(dog scratches)

Fucking hell, Lola.

She's spreading the love tonight.

Every day, she farts in my face.

I think the dogs have got a pact to try and kill me.

The animal world has got a thing against me

ever since that bat biting thing and fucking...

In the animal history books, I'm the bad guy.

It's a revenge, animal karma.

I fucking hate the taste of salad.

(calm jazz music)

Hello, Tom.

Oh, right.

Sharon's in New York.

It's been fucking peaceful as hell around here.

It's been great.

I'm bored.

- [MELINDA] I want a big fat curry, and I want potatoes

and peas in it. - I can't eat it.

- I can't eat it either. - I can't touch it.

- I love it.

I have a curry about 15 times a week.

- I tell you what, I need those turbans

to wrap around my after I eat one

because I get so sick.

(all laugh)

- Every day, Ozzy says,

"What the fuck have you been eating?"

And I'm like, "A curry."

And he's like, "You stink

like an Indian wrestler's jock strap." (laughs)

- You are not gonna believe this, Jude.

This woman comes up to me and she goes,

"I just love your husband."

And I said, "Oh, thank you so much.

He's so great."

And she goes, "You know what?

He goes all the time to the religious," what is it?

- [MELINDA] It's called the religious sex shop,

and he buys underwear from there.

- I'm like, "My husband hasn't (indistinct)

for himself in fucking 20 years."

And then I'm thinking maybe he does go

to the religious underwear shop.

Maybe he does.

(lively music)

- [TONY] Oh, you know what we need to get?

Oz, we need to get a couple of tin openers.

- [OZZY] Oh yeah, fucking can opener, Tone.

Fucking hate that fucking thing I got in there.

It drives me mental.

- [EMPLOYEE] Hey, you don't mean electric?

- No. - No.

Just one like that.

This is one, isn't it? - That's the safest one,

latches onto your lid. - This does?

- Yes. - Is that the one you want?

- Oh, we some need spoons. - Yeah.

Cool colors, aren't they? - Crap.

Go get a couple of...

These are cutting boards, are they?

- [TONY] Is this the ones that you want?

- Yeah, they'll be fine. - Can you put in dishwasher?

- [EMPLOYEE] Yes.

- Stick a (indistinct) in there.

I'm ready.

- $1,091.33.

- [OZZY] We don't cook in the fucking house.

(Ozzy hums)

- Radio on.

(radio beeps)

♪ From di day mi born, Jah ignite mi flame ♪

♪ Gyal ah call wi name, it is mi fame ♪

- Radio off. (radio beeps)

I can't get that fucking stupid fucking tune

out my head. - Right.

- It's a great song,

but you hear it every three fucking adverts.

It brainwashes you.

- These are supposed to be actually carbon steel,

which is better than stainless.

- What the fuck do I know?

It's a knife, and it cuts fucking amazing.

(spoons clink)

Are they sharp, Tony? - Yeah, they're already sharp.

- If you whack yourself with it,

you can fuck your hand up.

See, you hold it like that.

(knife scratches)

- Yeah. - Ah, razor sharp.

Oz, do you want me to do some of that pasta for you?

- I'll do the fish on the barbecue.

- All right. - I'll do the fish.

I need a lemon.

I can't stop singing that stupid fucking song, man.

(Ozzy hums)

♪ Turn me on ♪

♪ Yo shake dat ♪

- It's one of them stupid fucking songs

that I can't get outta my head.

The fucking thing is driving me fucking mad.

- Right.

♪ It's all good ♪

♪ Just turn me on ♪

♪ Yo shake dat ♪

- [OZZY] It's driving me nuts.

- There's no fucking pans in here.

There's a million dollar kitchen and no pans.

You got the big pans like huge pans.

I want like a little pan

just to heat the sauce up.

Oh, fucked it up.

- Nice one.

(Tony laughs)

Are you fucking Polish or something?

You get burnt and you get burnt again.

- Normally in England when you pull them open,

they shut off.

- I really enjoy being in the house on my own

versus the fucking madness there.

- I'm having a baby. - Shut up.

- Ow!

Ow.

- Like just give it a fucking rest like for real.

- Okay.

I can't believe that, the rudeness to me.

I'm pregnant.

I'm very emotional.

- Fuck being pregnant, Melinda.

Look at this way, Melinda.

Your vagina hole is like that big, like normally right?

Normally when you pee, it's like that big,

and you have to fit something

that's like that size to get that big.

- It's natural.

Kelly's in a bad mood.

All right, I'm gonna fix this bad mood business.

- Who are you calling? - A child psychologist!

- Oh, fuck off.

(Melinda sneezes)

- Tickle, tickle. - No, please.

You just sneezed on yourself

and now you're gonna touch me.

Jesus you.

- [MELINDA] That's very dangerous to harm a pregnant woman.

- Melinda, you're fucking two days pregnant.

(upbeat jazz music)

(TV chatters)

I'll give you a new fucking nose job.

Mom, you can't even touch this shit.

(lively music)

- Ow, Kelly!

Kelly!

I'm an invalid.

Kelly! - My boob.

(Kelly screams)

Don't make me hurt you.

(Sharon laughs)

- Kelly!

- (gasps) Are you okay?

Ha ha!

(lively music continues)

- You're like a fucking guy.

Boy, I can smell your breath on my face.

Please!

- Are you okay?

You're like fucking Mike Tyson with tits.

Are you peeing on me?

- No.

- Ugh. - On that note.

- Have you peed on me?

- No.

(hands clap)

No, no.

- Mom, your fingers in my asshole.

- I know.

(lively music continues)

(Sharon laughs)

Where's my husband!

(phone rings)

- Hello? - Hello, darling, it's me.

I just wanted to call you

just to say I love you and I'm missing you.

- [SHARON] Kelly was wrestling with me, Ozzy.

- [OZZY] Wrestling with you with what?

- [SHARON] Her hands, wrestled me down to the ground.

- For what? - I don't know how it started,

but it just started, and we started wrestling

and then she was dragging me around the floor

and licking me and stuff like that.

- Licking you? - Mhm.

'Cause she had her knees on my shoulders

to pin me down and she was like spitting on my face.

- Oh, shut up.

I hate to hear these fucking family feuds going on.

- [SHARON] Why don't you call Robert?

- His phone usually goes straight to...

I'll try it again, but it goes straight

to the fucking answer service.

- I love you.

- Love you too, bye-bye.

(phone rings)

♪ Don't you know the way that I feel ♪

(phone rings)

♪ Believe me when I say my love is for real ♪

♪ Want me want me, you really want me ♪

♪ Want me want me, you really want me ♪

(phone rings)

♪ Want me want me, you really want me ♪

(upbeat electronic music)

(phone rings)

(upbeat electronic music)

- [ROB] This is Rob.

Who is this? (voicemail beeps)

- Message machine? - Yeah.

Straight to the message machine.

This is just junk.

- We're clearing out the magic drawer.

It's become a junk drawer,

and we're gonna fill it up with English candy.

- [OZZY] American chocolate, it's got too much sugar in it.

It's like cheap chocolate, you know?

- Have to remember that, dear.

- Look at what we cleaned out of it.

Look at that shit.

Feel the weight of that, Tone.

- Man, that's about four or five pounds.

Ozzy wants to get some decent candy

for Sharon for when she gets back from New York.

And this is unfortunately American candy.

So, we think this is crap.

We like the English candy.

So, we wanna go get some English candy

from the English shop in Santa Monica.

♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪

♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪

♪ Sprinkle it with dew ♪

♪ Sprinkle it with dew ♪

♪ Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two ♪

♪ The Candy Man ♪

♪ The Candy Man ♪

♪ Oh, the Candy Man can ♪

♪ The Candy Man can ♪

♪ The Candy Man 'cause he mixes it with love ♪

♪ And makes the world taste good ♪

♪ Makes the world taste good ♪

♪ Who can take a rainbow ♪

♪ Who can take rainbow ♪

♪ Wrap it in a sigh ♪

♪ Wrap it in a sigh ♪

- Hi, Rob.

Went into the English shop for Sharon.

(candy clunks)

This should keep her going for a few days.

(door clicks)

You mean a pot smoker that he stays in.

Do you know in England,

they have transdermal patches

for people who are addicted to chocolate?

(upbeat jazz music)

Fucking driving me...

(upbeat jazz music continues)

Fucking hate the taste of chocolate.

- You completely ready?

- Yep. - She's all ready to go!

She's a professional traveler.

Don't worry, I'm not going to leave you.

- [MELINDA] She thinks you're going without her.

- [SHARON] Look at those little eyes.

I'm not leaving you, no.

(plane whooshes)

- Welcome home, boys and girls!

Everything's been, you know, quiet really.

We've been missing yous.

House is not the same.

(upbeat music)

- Hi! - You're back.

(dog barks)

Minnie, you're back. - Hey, shut up.

- Missed you so much. - Oh, Daddy, I missed you.

Hi, little new baby.

- Minnie, I missed you. - Very much, very much.

- My little girl Minnie (indistinct).

Me and Rob been having some great fun with each other.

(upbeat music continues)

- [SHARON] I can only imagine what's been going on.

- We've been going to church every night.

- (laughs) Playing Bingo. - Bingo.

- Playing Bingo. (all laugh)

Going to bed with a cup of hot chocolate at 10:30.

- Making s'mores around the campfire. (laughs)

- Sing a song around the campfire.

♪ Kumbaya my Lord. ♪

- I love you, Daddy. - I love you, Sharon.

- I'm happy I'm home. - (screams) That's disgusting.

Get out! - How can I get

out your fucking room when your ass is on me?

- [KELLY] Hate you, get out of my room.

- [OZZY] Jack!

(upbeat jazz music)

- [ANNOUNCER} Next time on "The Osbournes."

(upbeat music)

- All day, every day, you can't sit in the garden

without McEnroe making such a fucking noise!

They need a bollocking.

- I'm gonna go buy a paintball gun.

(paint gun pops)

I'm gonna shoot him in the air,

and they'll just fall and just hit her fucking court.

(sirens ring)

- [OZZY] That's about time we had a family feud, ain't it?

- [SHARON] Tiggy never came home last night.

- Where did the cat go? - I think it's

the bastards next door.

Tiggy. - Let's burn their house down.

(quirky music)

- Hello?

Hello?