Original subtitles

(Ozzy whistles)

- [SHARON] I don't know what to do for Jack's birthday.

I've got to talk to him and see what he wants,

'cause it's 17, so it's not the big one yet,

so I don't know what he wants to do.

I haven't even got him a present yet.

I've got to think of what to get him.

I think I'm gonna get him a watch.

(Ozzy whistling continues)

(upbeat jazz music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(bright music)

- [KELLY} You look good.

- How about hot?

- Sexy. - Sexy.

- (chuckles) You're a sign of the times.

- Christina.

- [KELLY} No, that's bad sexy. - [MAKE UP ARTIST] Oh my gosh.

Like, I work in Hollywood and define sexy,

that's not sexy at all.

Mom, do you know that there's this quote from me

in "Heat Magazine", and Aimee stuck it on her fridge?

- [SHARON] What's it say?

- (chuckles) "I think Christina Aguilera's

one of the most awful human beings in the world.

She's got an amazing voice, but she's a cunt."

- [SHARON] Okay.

There's not much more you

could add to that statement. (Kelly laughs)

- I'm such a bitch.

- [SHARON] And it all stems back from last Christmas.

(church bells ring)

Christine Aguilera singing

Christmas songs. - [KELLY] No, it's,

it's not even a song, - [SPEAKER 1] No,

I quite like Christina Aguilera.

it's like it's "Ji... - [OZZY] Kelly's like-

- ngle". (Kelly's voice warbles)

(Ozzy and Sharon laugh) And then there'll be a pause,

(Ozzy and Sharon laugh) (hands clap)

And then there'll be a pause,

and then there'll be...

"Bells". (Kelly's voice warbles)

And I'm not kidding you,

I wanted to fucking stab myself.

(mystical music)

You know what it is?

It's like she's had people kissing her ass

since she was fucking 12.

- [SHARON] Who?

- Christina 'Cuntface' Aguilera.

- [ROBERT] Have you seen her new video?

- [KELLY] It is absolutely hellacious.

It made me caught sick.

- Why, was it good?

- Like she in zero clothes whatsoever.

- No, mom, do you remember that movie "Problem? Child"?

"Parenthood"?

You know that little boy,

and he comes out with the chaps and the guns at his side.

He's got his willy out?

That is exactly what she looks like. It's insane.

- Stop making all these comments about other girls singers,

but every time anybody asks you, it's always negative.

And you should just say, "She's great".

- [ROBERT] I think (indistinct) X-Tina.

- Why would I lie? I don't think she's great.

(quirky jazzy music) (tires rumble)

- [OZZY] What's today's day, please?

- [DRIVER] Today's the fifth.

- Oh, it's Jack birthday two days or something.

- [DRIVER] Yeah, that's right. Friday.

- What the fuck can I get him?

I got to buy him something cool, man.

What can I get him cool?

- [DRIVER] He's a good kid, man.

- [OZZY] He's the fucking best, man.

(quirky jazzy music continues)

(jazz music)

- [PATTY] Hi, Ozzy. - [OZZY] Hi, Doug.

- [PATTY] Hello. How are you.

Come on in. - [OZZY] Nitrous.

- [DOUG] Hi, Ozzy.

- Hey, Doug.

- Go get your nitrous going.

(soft music) (equipment clanks)

- We got you going, Oz.

This is where the real fun begins.

- Nitrous.

- [PATTY] Yeah, nitrous. (gas hisses)

- Get the nitrous going. - Okay, Oz.

(soft music continues) Like this (indistinct).

- [DOUG] Yeah.

- Nothing really coming out.

- [DOUG] We got the special Ozzy level.

Big breaths in through your nose,

out through your mouth.

(soft music continues) (Ozzy exhales)

Ozzy, I know it's working,

'cause I'm even feeling it, man.

I'm gonna let Patty clean everything up real well.

You're in good hands. She'll clean you up, okay?

- Okay. (Ozzy mumbles)

This fucking shit's a joke.

- [PATTY] Do you not feel it? - No.

(soft music continues)

- Okay, I just turned it up.

Okay, take a deep breath now, let's see if that's better.

Is that better? (soft music continues)

- No.

- Okay.

(soft music continues) (gas hisseS)

Is it better?

- No. (soft music continues)

- Maybe take a couple of breaths really deep, okay?

Big. (soft music continues)

You're doing great. (tools clink)

(Ozzy exhales)

(equipment whirs) (Ozzy groans)

You all right? (Ozzy groans)

Wanna sit up?

You wanna rinse out?

You gonna rinse out? (Ozzy groans)

How about taking a rinse? (gas hisses)

- (groans) Yeah.

- How about taking a rinse right here, Ozzy?

- (groans) Yeah.

(bright music)

- [JACK] Hey, mom? - [SHARON] Yeah?

- [JACK] I know what I wanna do for my birthday.

- What?

- [JACK] I want go to Medieval Times.

- [SHARON] I would love that, Jack.

(worker chuckles)

- [JACK] I know mom's working, but she's not.

I'm canceling it.

It's my goddamn birthday, and we're going to joust.

(workers chuckle) (dog barks)

Mom, don't worry.

- Ah, don't forget on my knee.

Jackie, we'll talk about it. I promise.

I promise. I'm not gonna let you down.

- Because I want to have a good birthday.

I need someone to come to Medieval Times with me

on my birthday.

- [Camera Person] What time? What time is it?

- I don't even know, around three.

- [SHARON] No, I think it starts later.

- No, no, because, no,

because I've gone to them

like at one o'clock with Jeremy before.

- [ROBERT] On the weekend, though.

- But then they have it all through the day.

- [SHARON] Not on a week day.

I'm telling,

- I'm gonna, I'm gonna call right now.

- Yeah, you get Medieval Times

on the fucking phone (workers chuckle)

right now. (phone beeps)

(relaxing music) (hose suctions)

(tool scrapes)

- [PATTY] Is the nitrous okay?

(Ozzy groans)

(relaxing music continues)

(Ozzy groans) You wanna rinse out?

(relaxing music continues)

- No.

- No? Why don't you take a rinse?

I think it'll feel better.

(relaxing music continues)

(relaxing music continues) (equipment clanks)

(relaxing music continues)

(upbeat jazzy music)

(soft music)

Ozzy, I'm just gonna put you on straight oxygen, okay.

- Well, straight nitrous.

- Oh, we're all done.

(jazzy music)

- Ni, ni, ni, ni, nitrous.

- Nitrous in here?

- Yeah.

- I'll ask him. Let me ask him.

Lemme go, I'll be right back in a minute, okay?

♪ Like a crocodile ♪ (toothbrush swishes)

♪ You've got to brush your teeth ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ Once in the morning ♪

♪ And last thing at night ♪

♪ To keep away that tooth decay ♪

(toothbrush swishes)

- Nitrous.

(upbeat music) (toothbrush swishes)

(traffic rumbles)

- Did you see Robert, and he started crying,

and we thought showed down the rock

that we wrote "Robert" on,

because you know how we have those rocks?

(knuckles knock) Ah!

- Come in.

- I think it's locked.

I think you might want to-

That's (indistinct) intent.

- [FRIEND 1] That's Christina Aguilera knocking on the door.

- Are you serious? - [MELINDA] Oh my goodness,

Christina Aguilera.

It was Christina Aguilera.

She's out there. Oh my God.

She's wearing a really short skirt and a blue hoodie.

She's like- - She's a fucking cunt.

- [MELINDA] Let's go get her.

- [FRIEND 1] Let's go and say,

"Hi. Oh my God, you're here."

(suspenseful music)

- [KELLY] I'm not. - [FRIEND 1] Let's do this.

- [KELLY] I could break her.

She's like a twig. She's a fucking toothpick.

She's a twat.

(suspenseful music continues)

She's a fucking cunt.

If she fucks with me, - Do you know what

Christina Aguilera just did? - I'll smack her.

- Like walked past her room.

- And she was like, smack to my door on the room.

- Are you s-, just now she did it?

- Yeah.

- She's such a cunt. - What a bitch.

- Yeah, she's not, yeah. (cracker snaps)

(suspenseful music continues)

- I can tell she's not really liked around here.

- (chuckles) I keep my mouth shut. (giggles)

- Yeah, really. (friend chuckles)

(rock music)

- So what's up for tonight?

- Oh, the Rizzo? - [FRIEND 2] Yeah.

- I call the cab. She'll be here shortly.

- [FRIEND 2] Perfect.

Ready for some women?

There's gonna be a lot of girls coming.

- There's two, we got two

on Chatsworth, right? - [FRIEND 2] Genevieve.

- Oh, yeah.

- What's wrong with you? What have I supposedly done now?

- Nothing. I just want to know where you're planning

on going tonight. (dog barks)

(television reporter speaks indistinctly)

- Get raped in a back alley, and do crack.

I'm going to a club.

- [SHARON] Which club?

- I don't even know the name of it.

- [SHARON] Can I come? (door clanks)

- You wanna come? (Sharon chuckles)

- Come on, mom. Please. (door clanks)

- [SHARON] No, no, no, no, no.

Friday night for Jack's birthday, I'll go out.

- Fucking sh- - [SHARON] What have you

got Jack for his birthday?

- I've been thinking about it for a really long time.

- [SHARON] And?

- I haven't thought of anything that I could get him yet.

- [SHARON] Oh.

- [KELLY] It's like I can get him jewelry,

but he'll lose it.

I can get him another computer game,

but he has all of those computer thingies.

It's like he's so hard to buy for.

If I buy him clothes, he won't wear it.

I'd buy him a car, but he doesn't have a license.

(heels clack)

- [SHARON] Kelly, go and put a coat on.

- What if I do it like this, Mom?

(television reporter speaks indistinctly)

- [SHARON] You shut up.

- [FRIEND 3] That's a sweet look.

- Kelly, wear a coat.

- Mom, I have a jacket in my car.

I'm sexy.

- [FRIEND 3] You put a jacket- - Kind of.

- [FRIEND 3] Over her shoulders.

Just put it over your shoulders.

- Yeah, Mom, does this make you feel better?

- [SHARON] Now that

looks sexy. - [FRIEND 3] Oh, so cute!

- [SHARON] That looks sexy.

- Nom, with one arm, just saying.

- Mom, you're out of your mind. Goodbye.

(jazzy music) (engine rumbles)

(friend speaks indistinctly)

- [SHARON] Love you!

(jazzy music continues) (crickets chirp)

♪ Its gettin hot in here, so hot ♪

♪ So take off all your clothes ♪

♪ Break it down, put it up ♪

♪ Oh ♪

- [Television Host] That is Justin and Nelly

at Teen People's AMA After Party.

But before the parties, it was business backstage,

and we got to the bottom of the Christina Kelly feud.

(rock music) ♪ You say up ♪

It all started

when Kelly made fun of Christina's Christmas CD.

(dramatic music)

Then, in various print interviews,

Kelly has said Christina as quote,

"One of the most disgusting human beings

in the entire world."

And she has also said quote,

"I've seen drag queens who look better".

- Are you fucking kidding me?

(whimsical music)

- [JACK] I'm the king.

You could have made a movie on it.

No, no, seriously, it could have been a movie.

I was just standing by the bar,

doing the antisocial thing,

and I hear someone screaming my name,

and I turned around,

and it's Christina Aguilera. (chuckles)

(whimsical music continues)

- It's so disgusting.

He's such a fucking pussy.

- And so, I shout, "Freak.",

and went over there and I was like,

"Honey, she's gonna stop."

I sat down. (whimsical music continues)

- [KELLY] I'm getting you back, Jay.

(whimsical music continues)

Why her?

- No, and then I was like kicking outta the dance floor,

and then she was like,

"Yeah, yeah. Do it."

(whimsical music continues)

- [KELLY] I don't like you anymore!

(whimsical music continues)

- Okay. Can you hold on one second?

(receiver clanks)

Go suck a fucking cock, you cunt.

- [KELLY] Suck your own ball, Jack.

(jazzy music)

(bright music) (birds chirp)

- Kelly's pissed at me.

- [MELINDA] I know.

- But I didn't, so what,

I was talking to Christina Aguilera. (chuckles)

- [MELINDA] You should defend your sister, though.

- No, but she wasn't saying anything bad about her.

- [MELINDA] You sure? - [FRIEND 4] Checkmate.

- Kelly, but no. She goes,

"I don't know why your sister has beef with me.

I just-" - Oh! Let's think.

Were you there that day, Jack?

- [JACK] Yeah. No - No.

- [JACK] Okay, well-

- Let's not even go there, (Jack imitates bratty crying)

because when you hate someone, - [JACK] Well, she had

nice things to say about- - when you hate someone,

I hate someone. - [JACK] But she had

nice things to say about you.

- You just wanted to say that you'd

die for Christina Aguilera. - [JACK] Hell fucking,

yeah, I do. - You're a douchebag.

- [MELINDA] Did you kiss her?

- [JACK] No. - You danced with her,

and she, disgusting.

- Ah, Kelly, - [KELLY] And then she was-

you wanna leave my room?

You wanna leave my room? - [KELLY] And then,

she's like this- - Kelly, wanna leave my room?

Kelly, wanna leave my room?

Kelly, wanna leave my room? (Melinda chuckles)

Kelly, wanna leave my room? - [KELLY] In his ass.

(Melinda chuckles)

- [MELINDA] In your ass?

- Yeah, no, Jack's like standing here like this,

'cause he thinks he's really cool, and dancing

with Christina Aguilera, - [JACK] (mocking) No, no, no.

- and she's like in his ass, like doing all this,

(Melinda laughs) and I'm like standing there,

and I'm like, "Okay, bye."

- [FRIEND 5] Get (indistinct).

- [JACK] Fuck off. Bye! - Bye, (indistinct).

- [JACK] Yeah, bye! - [MELINDA] All right, okay

- Little brother, you're a douchebag.

- [JACK] Yeah, that's right, Kelly.

- I always stick up for you.

You're a piece of shit. - [MELINDA] No, why don't we

listen to the nice things - [JACK] No, you're a piece

of fucking shit. - [MELINDA] Christina

said about you.

- [JACK] Yeah, Kelly. - [ROBERT] That was shit.

- [KELLY] Jack, I'm not even- - [JACK] Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck off. Fuck off. (Kelly speaks indistinctly)

Fuck, bitch. Idiot.

Fucking fucker.

Leave my room. Bye.

- [KELLY] If you tell me not to like someone

because they've done something to you,

I would never think twice about ever talking to them.

(curious music)

And he's not like that with me, ever.

And I don't understand why.

- [SHARON] But I just want you to understand

that it is hard for him. (curious music continues)

- [KELLY} Mom, you think it's hard for him?

It is 20 million times more hard for me.

- This is what Jack told me.

She said to Jack,

"Why does your sister not like me?"

- No, that's not what mom, that's not.

- [JACK] Kelly, were you in-?

- Get out! (curious music crescendos)

- [SHAORN] Oh, I love that!

- [JACK] Were you in my ear?

- I love that, Jack! Were you-?

- [JACK] Were you in my ear, Kelly?

- You, seriously- - Wait, let me say it.

- Are a douchebag. - Let me tell you

what she said.

- [KELLY] I don't care what she says,

'cause I don't like her. - [SHARON] Let him speak.

- No. Why are we even having her in our conversation?

The only thing is, is when Jack doesn't like someone,

I don't like someone.

And that's the only thing that I resent about you

because you do not care about me.

- Kelly. I don't- - [KELLY] All you care about

is getting your cock sucked

by some famous douchebag. - No, I don't.

I like fucking be in a relaxed environment, Kelly,

and you're so fucking high strung all the god damn time.

And I don't like being that way.

So fuck off. - [KELLY] No.

I will punch you if you don't

get outta my face. - [SHARON] Stop yelling

your words, Jack. (indistinct)

- Just fucking leave. (Kelly speaks indistinctly)

- That's literally her fault.

- [SHARON] No, no, no, no, no.

No. No punching. - That wasn't even cool.

- (laughs) Scared you, though.

- [SHARON] No punching. - That's not even funny.

It's sad that I'm terrified

that my brother's gonna- (Jack scoffs)

(fist thuds)

- [SHARON] (gasps) Kelly! (Jack laughs)

Kelly! (Jack laughs)

(Jack laughs) (Kelly speaks indistinctly)

No, no, no. Kelly. (fist thuds)

(indistinct) in the bathroom.

- Look, look. Hit me. - Let's go reverse.

(feet and fists thud) - [SHARON] Go!

- I swear to God- (feet and fists thud)

- Hit me. Come on, hit me. - Little shit.

- Come on, come on. - Uh, uh, uh, guys?

- Hit me harder. Harder. (fists thud)

- No! No! - Harder.

Harder. Let's go. - No!

- Right here. Right here. - No!

My trousers are falling down.

- Come on. One more time.

Good luck. Go studio. - Kelly, no.

Go to work. Go to work.

- God, I wish I was there.

- Oh. Good morning. - Good morning.

- [ROBERT] Love ya. (cheerful music)

(water streams)

- No, Kelly's just being super ridiculous.

(water splashes) (cheerful music continues)

- Whatcha doing? I haven't left my teeth.

- You need to have a bath.

- No, I'm going five days without showering.

- No, Jack, you're not. (water splashes)

- I was talking to Christina Aguilera,

and she hates Christina Aguilera.

Kelly's being really out of order,

we know because she said very nice things about Kelly,

- She did? - and if she

would've said anything bad, I would've been like,

"You know what, that's not fucking cool."

And I was dancing with her and she goes,

"Well, I think your sister's great.

I think she's got a great personality,

and she comes off really, really cool."

I don't think I should have to hate someone

who I've never met. (phone rings)

I'm a very firm believer of you judge someone

when you meet them.

- [SHARON] That's the way I am. (water splashes)

It's got to stop, that stupidness between them.

- But I got her number. - [SHARON] Shut up, Jack.

(jazzy music)

Look at the pictures. Why can't it all be like it was Kelly?

- [KELLY] Mom, but it's not me.

I don't understand, me and Jackie have the same friends,

we go to the same places.

Yes, we argue, and at times we don't get along.

But at least sometimes we're civil,

and there's a understanding

that there are things you just don't do.

And there are things that you can get away with.

- [SHARON] Don't be angry with Jack. You'll regret it.

- Mom, there's nothing that I can really do about it

because my feelings are really hurt,

and it's not gonna get any better.

- But you think that I can go on

with the way that you two are with each other.

It's such a waste of time. It's so redundant, Kelly.

Because when you guys get older,

you are going to need each other,

and you are gonna regret the time that was wasted.

Talk to Jack.

- Why?

Okay.

(bright music)

- I was dancing with Christina Aguilera.

- (chuckles) You just email it out, and send message to all.

(friend chuckles) (Jack chuckles)

I was freaking with Christina Aguilera last night.

Yeah. Kelly should be a little more understanding

of something that would bring you so much joy.

- Exactly. It's not always about her.

(friend chuckles)

It's my god damn birthday.

That's why she's being mean.

She's trying to bring me down on my birthday.

- [FRIEND 6] It's just not gonna happen.

- [JACK] Hell no, it ain't

- Dude, I sat on your beanbag,

and sent my dog flying.

(Jack chuckles)

The dog is literally- (beanbag thuds)

(both chuckle)

- [JACK] Hey. (beanbag thuds)

(beanbag thuds)

- [Friend 6] (chuckles) Oh, Jesus, dude.

- Hey? Hey? [JACK] Oh, shit!

That's a super miracle.

Where's Lola? (Lola whines)

Medieval Times, Lola. We're gonna go to medieval times.

(cheerful music)

- [SHARON] Don't be mean to Jack.

Come on. Be nice.

This sounds so- (footsteps clack)

- [KELLY] Sorry, Jack.

- Give me a hug.

(cheerful music continues)

- That's really nice.

- Yeah, what the? (groans)

(hands pat) Hug.

- [KELLY] You're playing drunk.

- No, you hug me properly.

- [KELLY] I love you. (cheerful music continues)

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Ale, ale, ale ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Ale, ale, ale ♪ (all cheer)

♪ Tonight's the night ♪ (plates clatter)

- I'm vegetarian. ♪ Ale, ale, ale ♪

(crowd cheerS)

♪ The cup of life ♪ (javelins pound)

♪ Ale, ale, ale ♪ (crowd boos)

Fuck you! (crowd boos)

(Kelly cheers)

(upbeat music) (crowd cheers)

♪ Do you really want it ♪ (shields splinter)

♪ Here we go ♪ (crowd cheers)

♪ Ale, ale, ale ♪ (crowd cheers)

♪ Go, go, go ♪ (crowd cheers)

♪ Ale, ale, ale ♪ (swords clang)

♪ Tonight's the night ♪ (crowd cheers)

♪ Ale, ale, ale ♪ (ax clangs)

- Die.

Die.

(suspenseful music) Yeah!

(crowd cheers) Yeah!

- [ANNOUNCER] We hope and pray that you will return soon

to Medieval... (crowd cheers)

Times. (adventurous music)

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jack ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(all cheer)

(soft jazzy music)

- Look at my suit of armor I got for my birthday.

I was just joking. I was like,

"Mom, I want a motherfucking suit of armor."

And she goes, "Okay."

- Jack, where's this from?

- [JACK] Medieval Times.

- [FRIEND 6] I used to go there when I was a little kid.

- Well, we went there last night,

and we had a good ass time.

(visor clanks)

- Oh...

I just had an idea.

(visor clanks)

(armor clanks) (friend chuckles)

(sword clangs)

Do you think you could fuck someone up with this?

(adventurous music) (swords clang)

(Jack grunts)

(adventurous music continues) (swords clang)

- Oh, my groin (indistinct).

Oh!

(adventurous music continues) (swords clang)

(button beeps)

- [PHONE VOICE] Message erased.

Next message.

- [CHRISTINA] (clears throat) Hey, Jack.

It's me. (clears throat)

It's Christina. (coughs)

- [JACK] Come here.

(Christina speaks indistinctly)

You know who this is? - [CHRISTINA] I hope you will.

- [JACK] Christina Aguilera.

- [CHRISTINA] Everything's going well over there,

and wow, I feel like-

- [JACK] This is pretty insane

- [CHRISTINA] And I'll have your back.

- I rule!

(Christina speaks indistinctly)

(dramatic music)

(Christina speaks indistinctly)

- [CHRISTINA] Other (indistinct) as well.

Okay, bye.

(static buzzes) (button beeps)

- [JACK] I was dancing with Christina Aguilera.

- [KELLY] Jack! (upbeat music)

♪ 'Cause you are beautiful no matter- ♪

- [VOICEOVER] Next time, on "The Osbourne's"

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] Do you have flea bites, too?

- Yeah.

- I think it's from these chairs and couches.

- Maybe. I was sitting there.

- Whoa. Look at this yellow flea.

- [OZZY] It's doing the six minute flea (indistinct).

- [SHARON] I think that we should just have it

all removed tomorrow.

(upbeat music)

- What do you think about me getting my nose pierced?

(Ozzy speaks indistinctly)

- Nothing on your face pierced, Kelly, please.

Kelly, have you had your nose pierced?

- Yeah.

- It looks like a blackhead.

- [OZZY] You got no army to fight the fucking bugs.

- We'll get a hoop and a chain. A Tiffany chain.

- [OZZY] For fuck's sake, man.

- I'm gonna throw up.

(silence)

(silence continues)

(silence continues)

(graphics whip) (soft music)

(playful music)

(Ozzy whistles) (playful music continues)