Original subtitles

- Tone?

Can you round up the crew?

Tone?

- Jack!

- Aw, jeez!

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people livin' as foes ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(playful upbeat music)

- Ozzy and I are gonna renew our vows

with all our friends and family.

New Year's Eve, we're renewing our wedding vows.

So Dad's gonna walk me down the aisle.

- [SPEAKER] Oh!

- Robert and Jack are ushers.

- You gonna be the flower girl?

- Yes. - Kelly?

Yeah!

- [TONY] I hear you might be redoing your wedding vows.

- Oh, don't fucking remind me.

- And listen to this.

I'm having like a little mockup of Rodeo Drive,

and Asprey is giving away a two karat diamond.

And you have to get the winning ticket.

- I hope I win. - Oh my...

- If you cry, I will throw up because you're not Jewish,

and you're having a fucking rabbi renew your vows.

- I'm half Jewish.

- No, you're not.

Your mother was not Jewish so you're not Jewish.

I'm not Jewish.

Jack's not Jewish.

Dad is not Jewish.

- I'm not Jewish, you know?

My wife's got crucifixes coming out of her ass.

- My father is incredibly Jewish.

♪ Why don't you give a Yiddish boy a chance ♪

- In Jewish religion, your mother has to be Jewish

for you to be Jewish.

- Fucking Madonna's Jewish.

Anybody can turn Jewish.

I feel more Jewish than I do anything else.

- Yeah, because you're so fucking dramatic.

That's why, and that's your excuse.

I'm a Jew.

- Oh, Kelly.

- Dad's the most un-Jewish person in the whole entire world

and you've got some like-

- Excuse me, but my husband is circumcised.

(upbeat music)

- She goes, "I want a Jewish rabbi."

I go, "Hang on, babe.

Why have I spent $8 million converting my house

into the fucking small Vatican in Beverly Hills?"

You probably have fucking stars

all over the fucking place now.

- [SPEAKER] Jack, are you gonna let me hit your brows again?

- He needs it right now. - No.

- I need mine done too. - Please, Jack.

Don't you take any pride in the way you look?

- I do, I do. - Please do it.

- I'm just like, ugh.

- Jack, you look...

Do you know what it looks like?

You look like a fuckin' Persian carpet salesman

with those eyebrows.

- [JACK] Look at this way.

I'm not gonna do it at this very moment,

but I'm gonna do it before the wedding.

- Jack, don't you have pride?

Don't you care about going...

You've got the biggest uni brow in the world.

- I'll do it when I get out the shower.

Shit.

- I think I'm gonna take a shower 'cause I really stink.

Like it's uncalled for.

- Let me smell. - Smell.

It's really uncalled for.

- It's a little bit peachy.

- [JACK] What's up, you guys?

- Hey. - Hey, homes.

- You alone?

- My friend Angelina.

- I smelled your sister's armpit.

You should too.

- No, I'm not- - You love me.

- No, no. - You love me.

- Kelly. - You love me.

- I wouldn't smell my own pits.

Check that out.

Check it out, right there.

Just point it down, like you were, but down there.

- [SARAH] What about my armpit?

It smells really nice.

- I'll slap your armpit and hurt your gland.

- Are you Mormon?

My boyfriend's a Mormon.

- I know, man.

- They're very, very sweet people.

- Because they're perfect humans.

- [KELLY] No one's perfect.

- Mormons are.

- [KELLY] No they're not.

- [ANGELINA] Oh my God.

- I go, "What's your name?"

And she goes, "Angelina."

I'm like, "What do you do?"

And she didn't even tell me.

"How old are you?"

And she goes, "22."

I'm like, "Why are you hanging out with Jack?"

She's a Mormon.

I think that they'd be brought up better than that.

- I mean, if I was Mormon-

- But what's worse is that

she's Jack's friend's ex-girlfriend.

That's shady of Jack.

- Well, your brother has a tendency of hitting on leftovers.

I've seen that before.

You remember that fuckin' other chick?

(smooth jazz music)

- I went into wake Jack not so long ago-

- She told me.

- And this blonde girl was lying on Jack's bed.

Like, "Good morning."

I said, "Good morning, is Jack there?"

And she's like, "Yes, time to get up now, Jack."

And I like leave and go, what the fuck

is going on in this house?

It's like a fuckin' brothel.

Jackie?

Where's Jackie gone?

Where's Jack gone?

Did he go out there?

Oh, who's been in the bin?

That's just...

Look at that.

A fucking condom.

That's nice for mother to have to lift up.

Did he use it on you, Minnie?

Little bastard.

Come on.

(gentle music)

- To be truthful, I'm not really overly excited

about the fact I'm renewing the vows.

It's a bit late.

- Last time we were married,

we never spent the night together

'cause Ozzy collapsed in the hallway

and he slept in the hallway outside my room all night.

And peed himself.

And so we never had a real wedding night.

I actually carried him over the threshold.

(gentle music)

- [OZZY] Fucking wedding.

- I don't have a girlfriend.

I don't have girlfriends.

I don't like girlfriends.

Girlfriends involve too much.

So there's like four or five girls in heavy rotation.

I'm a man whore.

I'm a she-bitch man whore.

♪ I dig chicks ♪

♪ A chick's a man's best friend ♪

♪ I dig chicks ♪

♪ To me chicks are the end ♪

♪ I dig dolls ♪

♪ That's how I get my kicks. ♪

♪ Weak ones strong ones right ones wrong ones ♪

♪ I dig chicks ♪

♪ I dig Polly and Molly ♪

♪ And by golly ♪

♪ I dig Mildred too ♪

♪ I dig Janie and Macy ♪

♪ I go crazy over quite a few ♪

♪ I dig Betty and Bobby ♪

♪ Man, what a hobby ♪

♪ Dolls are really fine ♪

♪ I dig Gertrude and Tilly ♪

♪ May sound silly ♪

♪ I wish they all were mine ♪

- Oh!

- Bye Jack.

- [JACK] Bye darling.

- [SHARON] Jack, have you got a girlfriend?

- No.

- [SHARON] Why?

I think you should be settling down now.

- [JACK] I get bored.

- Get a house, get a wife, get some children.

- I may be making more money than most 35 year olds,

but it doesn't mean I am 35.

- Wouldn't you like a steady girlfriend though, Jack?

- I get bored really easily.

- Why?

- With girls, I dunno why.

- Is it your ADD?

- [JACK] I don't know what the fuck it is,

but I get really bored.

- Well, Kelly's the same way.

That's why I'm not worried about Bert-

- But with friends, I'm totally fine.

Like friends, I can, whatever.

But it's like, just the idea just gets...

Like, it's too claustrophobic for me.

I'm just like, fuck it.

(razor buzzing)

- [SPEAKER] Your husband's shaving his chest.

- [MELINDA] Ozzy, please be careful.

- [SHARON] Ozzy, please.

- [OZZY] I've done it a thousand times.

- [SHARON] Oh Ozzy, don't shave your pubies.

- Leave it like this.

That's good.

No, that's good.

- [SHARON] There's one left.

There's a big white one near the...

- [MELINDA] Ozzy, you look about 21.

- [SHARON] Yeah!

- You gotta wax me now.

- [MELINDA] Oh, it fuckin' hurts.

- I like pain.

- [SHARON] Daddy, why don't you have your testicles done?

- [SPEAKER] In the beginning-

- My testicles?

- [MELINDA] What's a testicle?

- Oh my God. - Please.

Ozzy have a Brazilian.

- [MELINDA] No, Ozzy, Ozzy.

Please, don't.

Stop.

(all laughing)

- Oh, this is gonna hurt.

Ow.

- [SHARON] Jack, you should wax your mustache.

- You should fuck off.

- [SHARON] If you wax your mustache,

it won't grow back so quick.

- Oh!

Fuck, that hurt.

- Do his legs, Bariba.

- [SPEAKER] Let's give Jack bikini wax.

- [BARIBA] Bikini wax?

- All right, I'm done, I'm done.

- Let me see. - Lemme see!

They're too close to each other.

- Lemme see.

There, in the middle.

- Mum, I don't wanna be too fucking groomed.

- I got a fuckin' white belly, man.

♪ No more pubic hairs ♪

♪ No more pubic ♪

Whoa.

I got a fuckin' 21-year-old fuckin' chest.

And look at that, no hairs.

Fuckin' great.

It's fuckin' champion.

- Look at my pajamas.

You and your shaved chest,

and I've got cats and dogs and bones.

Can I just ask you a personal question?

- Yes.

- Why do we have three brown fingers?

- Three...

Oh.

Because I put brown dye in my hair.

- And you were scratching.

I'll get it out with nail polish remover.

I'll get some now for you.

'Cause the longer it stays in, the longer it stains.

- I've been scratching my arse.

(Ozzy laughing)

(upbeat music)

- We're ready.

Minnie!

Minnie.

- I'll just call him and tell him we're leaving now.

- All right.

Minnie.

You look gorgeous, Minnie.

- I'll know what time Sharon's in that room,

and then once she's in that room upstairs,

we can go to that other holding area,

which is just a little small corner.

- What's this mystique for?

I've been married to her for 20-

- Well, she just doesn't want you to see the dress, Oz.

- I don't wanna go.

I don't wanna see the ceremony.

I don't wanna go.

- Oh.

Well, I think that's a bit of a problem.

(upbeat music)

- [SPEAKER] Congratulations.

- Thank you.

♪ I met a chick who was real great ♪

♪ Do-Da ♪

♪ Do-Da ♪

♪ And I fixed up for a steady date ♪

♪ Do-Da-Do-Da-Day ♪

- Oh my God.

Look!

Oh, God, these are magnificent.

Come on.

Oh my God!

Who did that?

Look at this.

♪ Do-Da ♪

♪ Do-Da ♪

- [TONY] It's your special likeness, you see.

- Tony, I'm so excited.

- Let me get back for Ozzy,

'cause I've gotta get him organized and get him over here.

♪ While he was sitting there ♪

- He hates coming out of his fuckin' house.

He hates coming out.

He's like, "All those people.

I don't know anyone."

I'm like, "You know everyone."

(light melodic music)

- [OZZY] I'm not drinking.

I realize I've gotta be on my best behavior today.

- Feeling okay?

- I'm a bit nervous.

- No, it's okay though.

The only thing you have to do is get up there.

I'm gonna tell you exactly what to do.

I'm gonna walk out with you guys, in fact.

I'm gonna walk out with you and Jack at the very beginning.

- Yeah.

- So I'll tell you where to stand.

I'll have you come up with her.

I'm gonna just ask you and you're gonna say I do.

That's all you're gonna have to do.

- But I don't.

- But you have to say I do.

- Wouldn't it be funny if they said I do

and I said I don't.

- My kinda rabbi.

- Yes.

L'chaim, as we say.

To life.

(gentle music)

- Wanna pee.

- Oh, it's all the way out in the lobby, Dad.

Let's get a cup.

- Mm.

- Mm.

(Jack laughing)

(guests cheering and applauding)

- Who's that?

- Ozzy coming in.

(gentle music continues)

- [RABBI] Now, in Jewish tradition, wine is a symbol of joy.

- Ah, now you're talking.

- I knew you'd get there, yeah.

(guests laughing)

I knew you were waiting for that.

- I like this guy.

- I told you you could trust me.

And this is one of the most joyous that could possibly be.

So I'm going to hand each of you a cup with wine in it

and I'll hold a third that's empty.

And then you're gonna pour from those two into the third.

And that's the cup that I'll bless.

And then I'll give it to you to drink.

Okay?

- Is it real wine?

- Yeah, real wine.

I know.

Take a sip.

Get some more, there we go.

Beautiful.

Good, I need that for later.

Hang on.

(speaking in Hebrew)

Everyone say amen.

- [ALL] Amen.

- Thank you.

Okay.

Now you can drink, but just save some for Sharon.

- Do I have to?

- Enough.

You alcoholic.

- So Ozzy, do you choose Sharon once again

to be your and life companion?

- I do.

- Sharon, do you once again choose Ozzy

to be your husband and your life companion?

- I do.

Forever.

- [RABBI] I know there are some additional words,

a vow that Sharon is gonna share with you, Ozzy,

to symbolize your love together.

- My darling Ozzy.

For 20 years you've been my life partner.

We have shared joys, sorrows, triumph, and tragedy.

And every day with you in my life is a blessing

beyond my wildest dreams.

Thank you for who you are, for all you have given me

and for all that we will share together every day

for the rest of our lives.

I love you more than any words and any vows,

any poetry we could ever capture.

I am privileged to be your wife and thank you for my babies.

(Ozzy laughing)

(guests applauding)

- You have once again spoken the words

and performed the rites

that recommit your lives in marriage.

So I have the great pleasure and the great privilege

to declare once again, you, Ozzy, and you, Sharon,

to be remarried as husband and wife.

Now I want you to turn and kiss each other once again.

There we go.

(guests applauding)

20 years of practice, I know.

Okay, now I'm gonna put these glasses on the ground.

You're both gonna wait till I get my hands out of the way.

And then you're gonna see about

try to step on these glasses.

That will mark the conclusion of the ceremony.

Okay.

Right there.

See if you can both step on it.

Ready?

Go.

- Oh.

- Mazel tov!

We rise to greet the bride and groom.

(guests applauding)

(all singing in Hebrew)

- Oh, here we go.

I'm glad I said hello now.

That's it, here we go.

(upbeat music)

♪ He's a macho man ♪

♪ Ready to get down with anyone he can ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Macho macho man ♪

(Ozzy screaming)

- Mwah.

No tongue!

Sharon, help!

- That's what they all say.

♪ Macho ♪

♪ Macho macho man yeah ♪

- [JACK] Please, don't take advantage of me, ladies.

- We won't, Jack.

- [JACK] You know your sister's in love with me?

- Is she now?

- [JACK] Yes, she is.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Wow.

- [JACK] I am surrounded by ladies.

I feel so honored.

I love the ladies.

Ladies.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

- Oh my God.

- Hello.

- You're so fucking handsome, I can't stand it.

- Aw, thank you.

How are you?

You look wonderful.

- Oh, look at this boy.

Oh...

God.

Oh my God.

- It's a pleasure to meet you.

- [SHARON] Oh, please marry my daughter.

♪ San Francisco ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ Ooh you got me ♪

♪ San Francisco ♪

♪ San Francisco ♪

♪ San Francisco ♪

♪ Let's go to the water baby ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ San Francisco ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ Got me got me baby ♪

- [ALL] Five,

four,

three,

two,

one.

Happy New Year! (all cheering)

- Where's Ozzy?

Look, look, look.

Just look at that. - Oh, it's your husband.

- Just look at this.

Happy New Year. - That's what men do.

- Happy New Year.

Let me tell you something.

This is how we spent our first wedding,

but he was in the hallway.

This is my wedding night.

- Take it from here because it's not nice from there.

- Bye sweetheart.

Look at him.

This is the photo of the night, isn't it?

Twice in my life.

I think I'm gonna get shtubbed and he's out.

(all laughing)

- This one is for the necklace and earring set.

326, 305.

Let me see your ticket.

Here we go.

And we have a match.

Congratulations.

I've just been told this is a $15,000

necklace and earring set.

- Thank you Sharon, Jack..

- Aimee.

- Aimee, Ozzy...

And what's the girl's name?

And Sharon and...

- Ozzy.

Don't forget Ozzy. - Kelly and Ozzy.

- And Ozzy.

- And thank you for bringing this to us

and thank you for bringing this to me.

- She's very excited. - 2003, we love you.

Bye!

(no audio)

(gentle jingle)

- I'm renewing the vows.

It's a bit late.