Original subtitles

(calm music playing) (birds singing)

- In the quads, in the front there.

I'm gonna work on that right now.

Okay, just relax your legs. Draining.

- [Ozzy] Can you get some of that mint Icy Hot stuff?

- You don't need to do that. You know, really,

that stuff is, it just warms the top of your, you know,

the top, I mean, if you like it, it's fine,

it's not gonna hurt you. It's not gonna hurt you.

(rock music playing)

- Icy Hot's on my fucking ass

and it's running around under my testicles,

fucking on fire, balls on fire now!

(Jack laughing)

- You know you can hit the high notes now!

- Fucking hell, it's going down my legs.

It's kind of going in an uncomfortable area of my body!

- [PERSON] Ozzy, it won't work for that long, it goes away.

- [Ozzy] Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!

(intro music playing)

♪ Crazy, hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(chill music playing)

- Seriously, we have to, have to,

just talk about your birthday dinner.

- [KELLY] Mum, I don't want- - It's 18!

- [KELLY] A dinner. I don't like dinners because

every year you plan me some big fucking party and I sit

in my room the whole time. Parties are for the people

who are invited, not for who they're thrown for.

I didn't even see my birthday cake! I don't like going to,

I don't like parties, they're bullshit.

- Why don't we just go to Vegas?

- Wayne will come with me with Jen and Daniella

hopefully to Vegas. I think we should just go to Vegas.

- We should go for a couple of shows and just have fun.

- [Kelly] She's so cool still, I think.

- Who? - [KELLY] Cyndi Lauper.

- Oh, yeah.

- [Kelly] I think she's so pretty.

- Oh, yes. Bless her. (chill music playing)

- Hello you. - [OZZY] All right.

- Head on in. - [PERSON] Oh my!

- [DOCTOR] Oz man. Hi, how are you?

- How you doing? - How are you my friend?

- Let me just take a look in general.

So you're seeing, you're in Vegas Saturday night?

- One, just one show. - [Doctor] One show. Okay.

That's good. Just easy. Chin up for me.

Now say, 'hee'. - Aaah!

- Again, 'hee'. - Aah!

- [DOCTOR] Hee! - Aahh!

- Your chords look great.

(chill music playing)

Okay Ozzy.

Okay.

- [KELLY] I'm 18 and I can do what I want!

- I'm 18 and I could fire you now!

(person laughing) (Kelly chuckling)

- [KELLY] But mum, seriously. Do you really think

that if, I could take Joanna to a tit doctor,

I could get the same tits as Joanna?

- [SHARON] Yeah. - I fucking hate my tits.

They're so ugly and like, boring.

- [SHARON] Get them done. - I really, I think

it's a must do. - [Sharon] Such a good

mother I am! - I know!

- Oh darling, just get your tits done,

there's no danger, there's no problem!

- I fucking hate my tits. Why do I have to have your tits?

Why couldn't I have Amy tits? She has perfect tits.

- She does have perfect tits doesn't she?

- Amy is 'Welcome to London' tits.

You know those ones on the postcards?

- [SHARON] Mhm.

- I have fucking National Geographic tits!

(Sharon chuckling) (chill music playing)

- Vegas gaming and Nevada laws won't allow,

and the drinking thing.

The fake ID issue.

- Oh, I don't have an ID. - Okay. So-

- None of my friends do.

- Well, there's gonna be, the Venetians sent us this thing.

And there's a whole paragraph in it about,

if anybody's seen to be drinking underage,

I'm just saying. The gaming and licensing laws in Nevada

are really, really strict.

We've gotta be really careful. - [Person] Zero tolerance.

- I don't, I'm not really planning to go to Vegas to party,

to be totally honest with you.

- [PERSON] Okay.

- Do you know they made sign a contract at the hotel saying

that I can't drink? How embarrassing is that?

Like, I have a reputation and I'm not even 18!

They're not gonna let me do anything.

♪ It's my birthday, ah, ah ♪

(upbeat music playing) - [Jack] Dude, how much fun

is Vegas gonna be?

- [Person] Just saying, we can have cocktails.

- You know what, dude? We can drink in the hotel room.

- I thought it was zero tolerance?

- Well, is there gonna be a security guard

standing in my hotel room with me?

- Do you know what? This day is a very special

day in my life. - [Kelly] Why?

- My daughter- - [Kelly] 'Cause you've

no control over me anymore? - No, my daughter is 18

and I can remember every second where I nearly died

giving birth to you. - [Kelly] No you did not

nearly die giving birth! - I did! Oh my god, darling.

- [KELLY] I was the worst birth because you

wanted to be a hippie! - I had blood transfusions!

- [Kelly] You wanted to be- - I had hours of labor,

they thought I would never make it!

- [Kelly] No, mum! - They honestly thought!

They were about to give me a tracheostomy.

- My friend called me, he was like,

"Dude I've got 6 Penthouse chicks meeting us there.".

- [PERSON] No! - Yeah, and he's

already in Vegas. Looking but I ain't seeing!

- How many pairs of pants are you bringing?

- Dude, how rad would it be if we just cruise

the casinos in suits? - [PERSON] Let's go. Let's go!

I wanna get a mad suit and just cruise around.

There's no better way than cruising Vegas in a suit!

- Hell yeah!

- I nearly died giving birth to you.

- [KELLY] Oh bite the lemon,

shut up! - And I get over emotional.

I get over emotional. - [KELLY] No you don't,

you twat! - I do.

They go, please Mrs, don't die, don't die!

The baby, the baby!

- I don't know, bear.

I guess you're missing this trip out, bro.

- [PERSON] Can't fit in the bag?

- Nah, I'll make him fit but I don't know, dude.

Shall I bring him to Vegas?

- [PERSON] He can't see that kind of stuff.

- It could be harsh on his soul.

- [PERSON] You don't wanna see that kinda stuff, huh?

- [JACK] You know what, dude?

We've all gotta experience it sometime.

Can't do it. I've never made a trip without the binky bear.

(Kelly screaming)

- They brought in the priest for the last rights,

and I'm like, father please! Please let me live!

- No! (Kelly and Sharon laughing)

- Oh wait, no, girls, you're going in the second van.

The girls are going in the second van.

I was told that all the guys were supposed to go

on the first van. - I'm supposed to go

on the first plane. Who's birthday is it? Mine!

Why are we going to Vegas? Because of me!

And why did I not have to have my friends all come?

'Cause you decide to bring 8 of your friends with you!

- Count it, there ain't 8, Kelly.

- No, there's not. - [Kelly] You cockface.

- [PERSON] Hey, hey! Why you freaking out?

These superstar attitudes!

- [Kelly] We're fighting. - Superstar attitude.

- [Kelly] This is gonna be the biggest disaster trip ever.

- [JACK] No! - Yes it is.

I'm telling you. - [PERSON] Now shut up.

(airplane engines roaring) (upbeat music playing)

- [KELLY] I know, he told me! He told me!

- That's your birthday present.

You can get the real thing on Wednesday.

- No fucking way. - [PERSON] No way!

- [OZZY] Way!

- [KELLY] Oh my god, I love it!

- [OZZY] You get it on Wednesday.

- No fucking way! - [OZZY] Way.

- Oh my god! - Gimme a kiss.

- [Kelly] Thank you! - [PERSON] No way.

That is the coolest present.

- [Jack] That is the sickest fucking ride ever.

- [CAPTAIN] Welcome to Osbourne Airlines.

Flight number one to Vegas.

(heavy rock music playing)

- Let's go to the Coyote Club guys!

- [JACK] Okay. Wait, we're gonna go upstairs, Dil.

We're gonna go upstairs, we're gonna get it all set up

so when we go down there, there's nothing

we're gonna have to deal with.

- [Fred] Then we can drink upstairs in the room.

- Shut the fuck up, Fred! There's security all around us.

(bell dinging) (upbeat funky music playing)

- [PERSON] Okay, go!

(Person laughing)

I'm gonna get you!

- I've gotta go, vroom!

(classical music playing)

- [PERSON] There's another picture.

That one on the plane, of you and Bobby.

(upbeat music playing)

- I have a bar. They didn't clear mine out 'cause I'm 21.

(classical music playing)

- [PERSON] He needs a full wardrobe.

I've already been out and bought some shirts

that he wears and socks.

- [OZZY] I wanna turn up on time.

(classical music playing) (chatter in background)

(upbeat music playing)

- Let's go. Let's go.

- Say you're part of. - [Jack] Okay.

I just. - Yeah.

Cool.

- The fucking hallway's littered

with fucking security guards. I feel like I've fucking

robbed a bank and I haven't done anything.

I don't wanna be here like this.

Put yourself in my position.

I came here to have fun with my friends.

- Yeah, you can go anywhere you want.

- Yeah, with a fucking army behind me!

I don't, there's people just opening the door, okay?

To my room, and it's not fucking cool.

No, I just, I don't want all this security around.

I'm just gonna go home tonight, mum.

Because this isn't gonna be fun and I know it.

Its gonna be really stupid. It already is.

(groovy music playing) (coins clinking)

- See, you can't make things happen.

My luck is that a fucking bird shits on my fucking head!

(Person laughing)

And here's me lucky charms!

(bells dinging)

- [PERSON] Did he win? Did you win, Ozzy?

- [Ozzy] Broke even. - All right! That's winning!

That's winning baby!

- How you doing, guys?

- [CHILD] My name's Kelly Osbourne.

- [Ozzy] Pardon? - Kelly Osbourne.

- [Ozzy] Your name's Kelly Osbourne?

- Yeah! - My name's Chris.

- [Ozzy] Are you kidding me?

- Yeah, we're part of your family, Osbourne!

- We're Osbournes!

- [Ozzy] Wow. - Yeah, we're the Osbournes.

- Nice meeting you, Ozzy. Big fan of you.

- Yeah, I love your music!

- [Ozzy] Are you really Kelly Osbourne?

- Yeah! - Really Kelly Osbourne.

- [Ozzy] Wow!

(big band music playing)

- Kelly, we're going.

- Where am I going? - Front row.

(person cheering)

- Sh! Can you have enough of the 'woos' please?!

(person wooing again) Why are you so funny?

I get really scared! (person wooing)

Okay. I'm terrified of heights.

(all screaming and cheering)

I don't like being in the front, why are we in the front?

(people screaming)

Oh my god! (Kelly screaming loudly)

I'm gonna throw up! Oh my god, I'm gonna yak!

(all laughing and cheering) I'm gonna piss myself!

(people applauding and cheering)

I'm gonna throw up.

(bright music playing)

(Kelly and her friends laughing)

I look like I'm shitting!

- That looks like a costume.

- Danielle you're making the poo face too!

(all laughing)

- [TELETUBBIES] Eh-oh!

- [NARRATOR] Teletubbies love each other very much.

- [TELETUBBIES] Big hug!

(dance music playing)

(Teletubbies giggling)

(rock music playing)

(kids music playing) - You guys having fun?

- Bye bye!

- [Jack] It's fucking really pathetic.

All right, I wanna go get drunk, so hurry up!

Fuck!

(dance music playing)

No less than 14 women at the table, please.

♪ This is a song for the lonely ♪

♪ When your dreams won't come true ♪

(all laughing)

(Kelly and her friends singing)

- [Kelly] Come on Sarah, let's go and see my mom.

- [Sarah] Let's go.

I'm so fucking hyper! Aah!

- [SHARON] Sarah!

- [Kelly] Come on, let's go upstairs.

- [SHARON] No, no, no, no!

(burlesque music playing)

(Kelly laughing loudly)

(loud crash) (Kelly and Sarah laughing)

I can't move! I've pissed myself!

(Kelly and Sarah laughing)

- [Sarah] Oh my god! Calm yourself.

I'm calm!

(big band music playing)

(Sarah laughing)

- [Kelly] Sarah, stop it please.

Sarah, for 2.5 seconds can you just try and act normal

while my mum's here? Please.

Mum can I talk to you for a second?

- Yeah, of course you can.

- [Kelly] We were downstairs, before Jack gets here I just

wanna let you know what happened.

- Okay.

- We were downstairs in the club and there was these girls

sitting in our- - What club? Where?

- This bar, this dancing thing downstairs.

- Okay.

- That is in, we're not drinking by the way, it's fine.

- Okay.

- [KELLY] And these girls sat down. And I'm with Jack,

and Jack came up to me,

"If you say one fucking word to them!", bla bla bla.

And I'm like, I'm not gonna say anything!

And I wasn't going to.

And then the girl looked at me like this.

I don't give a fuck who she is, she's rude.

Mum, I'm not warning you, if I see him tonight I'm gonna

punch him in the head. - Don't go down to that

club, please. - But it's my birthday!

I wanna do what the fuck I wanna do and not have someone

scream at me because I was rude to some dumb girl!

I don't care!

- If you go down there there's gonna be a war.

- It's my birthday! Hello?!

Does that not compute in to your head? Really mum?

- [SARAH] I'll fight.

- Kelly, stop talking to me like I'm your girlfriend.

- Mum! - I'm your mother.

- Like, you're ridic- mum, I don't wanna talk to you.

- Hey, listen.

- [KELLY] I don't wanna talk to her.

- Kelly? If you go down there and cause a fight,

we will be thrown out of this hotel.

- Sarah, come on. - [Sarah] I can't go

down 'cause I don't wanna see you get in to a fight.

- I'm not gonna get in a fight!

- Kelly, you're gonna regret this because you're acting

like a spoilt brat. - Mum, I'm not,

yes I'm spoilt, but get over it. I'm not a brat though.

- You're acting like one. - I'm not a brat.

- And you look ridiculous in that hat.

(jazz music playing)

- Come down with me Sarah! Don't let them know that

they fucking won. That's what they want.

(jazz music playing)

- What happened, this girl just came over and sat on

George's lap. Just don't be mean, all right?

Just don't even say anything, just ignore.

- Who? - Kelly! Kelly!

- Why?!

- Just listen, Kelly. They're trying to have fun too.

You can be a bitch, you're fine, that's your fun.

But just back the fuck off.

(jazz music playing)

(Kelly shouting)

- Why?! By the table!

- Time to get Kelly and Sarah out of here now. Now.

I said get outta here!

- It's my birthday too! - [JACK] I'm enjoying it!

Sorry about my sister, she's like a bloody cunt rag.

Don't take it to heart, she doesn't mean it.

- I know. I got a little bit from her but that's okay.

- It's okay.

(dance music playing)

- [SHARON] She's out of order.

- [PERSON] Why, what happened?

Who's out of order? Kelly?

- She's doing all this again, you know.

With the truck driver's hat on.

She had this green truck driver's hat on

and it was quite stunning. I think she thinks she's

Sarah this evening. - No, she really does.

And it's frightening me. - [Sharon] Yeah.

- To be honest.

- She's really, really out of order. She thinks she's Sarah.

- Not only did I just get in a fight in the elevator

with a bitch, whatever.

- [SHARON] We're gonna get thrown out,

and we don't wanna do that. So let's get Kelly back.

- I don't wanna get in to any fights.

If Kelly's going to bed then Kelly's going to bed.

I'm ready to fight but I'm not doing it,

I'm being a mediator. This is fucking bullshit.

- Well that was an end to a lovely evening!

(Jazz music playing) ♪ I'm packing my bags ♪

♪ I'm taking a ride ♪

- You're welcome.

- Has anyone got any chapstick?

- [Kelly] Where is fucking Dil?

- Coming right now.

- [KELLY] Where's Dil? If we miss our plane 'cause

of Dil, I'm gonna be really pissed.

- All right, well then let's go then we can take house.

- [PERSON] I'm gonna call him now, Kelly.

- They said that they were at the bar.

- Dil?

- [KELLY] No, stop! It was so much fun.

- [JACK] Dude, seriously! We're gonna miss our flight.

All right, hurry the fuck up!

Oh my god! - Sorry! Fuck! Sorry! Fuck!

- [JACK] I know you're a fucking pro skater,

and you have no fucking care.

(Dil screaming)

- [PERSON] We waited 6 hours for Daisy.

That dick!

♪ All because primo street just can't be beat ♪

♪ When lady luck shines on me ♪

- We should go for a couple of shows and just have fun.

- Dude, I got 6 penthouse chicks meeting us there.

(Teletubbies giggling)

- Whose birthday is it? Mine!

It's my birthday! It's my birthday!

It's my birthday!

(jazz music playing)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on The Osbournes:

- [SHARON] Ozzy and I are gonna renew our vows

with all our friends and family.

- [PERSON] Hey, what, you're redoing your wedding vows?

- Oh, don't fucking remind me.

- If you cry, I will throw up. Because you're not Jewish

and you're having a fucking Rabbi reading your vows.

- I'm half Jewish! - No you're not!

Your mother was not Jewish so you're not Jewish.

And I'm not Jewish, Jack's not Jewish, dad is not Jewish!

- I'm not Jewish, you know. My wife's got crucifixes

coming out of her ass! - Uh, excuse me,

but my husband is circumcised.

(wedding music playing)

- In Jewish tradition, wine is a symbol of joy.

- Ah, now you're talking!

- [RABBI] I know you're good for it, yeah.

(congregation laughing)

- Last time we were married, we never spent

the night together because Ozzy collapsed in the hallway

and he slept in the hallway.

(all singing traditional Jewish song)

- Sharon! Help!

(jingles playing)

- It's my birthday!