Original subtitles

- [TONY] The neighbors in the back there complained.

- About what?

- Apparently, the dogs have been barking

at like 12, one in the morning or something.

He's not going to do anything about it,

but he just wants to let us know.

- Well, their fucking dogs start my fucking dogs barking.

What do you expect the dogs to do, meow?

(theatrical music)

♪ Crazy, hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(gentle lullaby music)

(birds chirping)

(cat snoring)

- Oh, what's wrong?

Look at Chicken, isn't she gorgeous?

It's just ridiculous how gorgeous she is.

- It's ridiculous how you're holding her like a little baby.

- Why?

- 'Cause she's a dog.

- But I love her like a baby.

You'll know love one day when you find a chicken.

(Lola growls)

(dogs barking)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Another one of those ♪

♪ This is for my (censored) Q ♪

♪ The hurt, the pain ♪

♪ The dirt, the rain ♪

♪ The jerk, the fame ♪

♪ The work, the game ♪

♪ The friends, the foes ♪

♪ The Benz, the, what ♪

♪ The studios, the shows ♪

♪ The comes and the goes ♪

♪ They don't know who we be ♪

- Shut up!

Leave Bart, Arthur.

You're supposed to be the nice one.

(dog growling)

- [OZZY] What the fuck is that?

- [SHARON] Chicken.

- [OZZY] It smells like fucking dog shit everywhere

all the fucking time, man.

(Kelly gasps)

- [KELLY] Oh my god, I hate my life.

- [SARAH] What?

- I just stepped in shit.

Oh my god, no, I'm gonna throw up now.

Could you imagine if I went and took a dump in the hallway

and someone stepped in it?

It's disgusting.

It's those stupid motherfucking dogs, I fucking hate them.

- I'm gonna rewash the armpits on this shirt,

'cause it still isn't over with, Kel.

- Yeah, 'cause New Year's Eve, you smelled so bad.

- [SARAH] I didn't smell bad.

- You shoved that shirt in my face.

- [SARAH] After when I took it off.

- And I had BO on my lips to smell

the whole fucking day. - Shut up.

- It's chill if you stay at the house.

Yeah, you should definitely come by.

It's gonna take some quick convincing,

but we'll work on it.

All right, I'll be here.

Later, bro.

Ugh!

That was Dill.

Old buddy, old pal is coming to stay again.

Whoo!

It shall be grand.

- We should get going.

- Okay, look, I sacrificed my showering,

at least let me wash my face and brush my teeth.

(upbeat music)

- What?

- That's disgusting.

- [SARAH] I just need to put my makeup on.

- Sarah, we're going to band rehearsal.

- I don't give a fuck.

- [KELLY] Let's try to make this as quick as possible,

so I can go back to bed.

- Let's go, let's go, let's go.

I've known Kelly for about four years,

I met her at the mall.

She asked me to play drums in her band.

It wasn't like a, will you do it,

it was like, Sarah, you have to come on tour with me.

I said, all right, I'll do personal assistant work.

She goes, no, you're gonna play drums in my band,

so I guess I'm set.

(upbeat music)

I would always tap on tables and benches,

and wherever I was, I have complete sense of rhythm,

it came like naturally, I never took lessons.

♪ All my friends keep telling to give it up ♪

♪ Saying I'm too young, I oughta to live it up ♪

(dogs barking) (dramatic music)

- I'm worried for Sarah and for this thing with Kelly.

I don't know if Sarah is just eager to play music or what.

- She could at least continue with school

until there is such time

where she doesn't need to quit school now.

I think it's just the first thing that's come along

that she could quit for.

- I just think she's rushing.

Yeah, she rushed into too quickly,

and she's not really thinking about the way Kelly really is.

- Well, do you think Sarah is good enough to-

- Sarah's an amazing drummer.

- Really?

I feel like she just needs to practice.

(upbeat music)

- Drummers are weird people.

Anyone that wants to sit behind the drum kit

and beat fucking skins for a living,

it's this weird kind of person,

it takes a special kind of person.

That was the wrong color.

I'm gonna change it.

It's too fucking pink.

Ozzy Osbourne using the color pink.

- [KELLY] You need to stop smoking, girlfriend.

- [SARAH] I can't.

- [KELLY] It sounds so different when it's not rehearsed.

Like, I couldn't keep the time,

I had no idea where I was.

You know that bit after-

- But am I playing it all right?

- Yeah, it just needs to be a little quicker.

I couldn't keep my timing on the song.

It's not the drums though, it was the guitar.

- It's not the drums.

(mellow music)

- Your hair looks kind of flamboyant.

- Fuck off!

Dad, Dill's coming to stay again.

- No, he's not.

- He's coming to stay for like four days.

(Sharon laughs)

- Oh, no!

- [JACK] Yeah!

Dill's coming home.

- [OZZY] No, he's not.

- It's gonna be fun.

(theatrical music)

(upbeat music)

(Kelly yells)

- [BAND MEMBER] And you hooked up again?

- Yeah. - Hooked up?

- Yeah.

- [BAND MEMBER] Enough of that.

- [KELLY] Do you need a break?

- [SARAH] Yeah, just a little one.

- [KELLY] Okay, take a break.

- Sorry!

I'm like straining myself to the fucking maximus.

Sorry!

(upbeat music)

- [JACK] That's when Dill broke his finger.

- [OZZY] Oh my god.

Fucking idiot.

- [JACK] He's a good skater, isn't he?

- [OZZY] He's fucking nuts.

- Oh, see his ankle just snap?

- Hello, Bobby.

Now what of Sarah?

- She hadn't practiced any of it.

I mean, she didn't even have sticks.

There was like fills missing,

I mean, it was very basic, very basic.

- It was the Energizer monkey.

- The Energizer Bunny.

The Energizer Bunny would've given her a run for her money.

(Bobby laughs)

Kelly goes, "I was finding it hard to sing,

"because I was all missing my time and stuff."

And then Kelly kind of caught what she said,

and she looked at her and said went,

"But it wasn't the drums."

(Bobby laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Dill, you on the way?

You are?

All right.

(dog barks)

- The dog's satanic.

- [JACK] Fucking Arthur.

- But why are the dogs barking?

I live in a fucking Beverly Hills lunatic asylum.

- [JACK] No, you just live in a Beverly Hills dog pound.

- I live in a fucking mental house.

It's fucking crazy.

It's like fucking dark times.

I should dress up like Tarzan

and start swinging through the fucking house.

- [JACK] Is Dill here?

- [KELLY] Yeah.

Jason Dill is here!

- What's wrong with his head, has he got lice?

- No, it happens to me when my hair gets long,

it's like, I don't know.

- [KELLY] Is he staying here?

- [JACK] No, yeah, he staying here for a couple of days.

- He's not in very good company.

With his raggedy ass fucking head, motherfucker.

- Dad, Dad, Dad, stop.

That's not nice.

- [OZZY] Oh.

- [JACK] I don't talk shit about your friends.

- I ain't got no friends.

- [JACK] Dill's in the ghetto cab.

- [JASON] What's up, Jack?

Good to see you. - How are you, Dill?

- [JASON] I'm good.

Dude, the cab guy was awesome.

- Who was he?

- [JASON] He's just this old dude

who knew all about Dogtown.

- Dill, welcome back to the house.

- [JASON] Oh, man, it's been a while.

- [JACK] Yeah.

- What's the deal, Jack?

- [JACK] Nothing much, rolling the back.

- Awesome.

I'll be in the LA area for-

- [JACK] Staying here for a couple of days.

- About 14 days.

- So what have you been doing?

- Traveling, skating, same bullshit.

It's been great, it's been awesome.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

(upbeat music)

(Jason burps)

♪ Welcome back ♪

- Hi, Dill. - Hey, Ozzy.

♪ The dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that some old place that you laughed about ♪

(Jason burps)

♪ Where the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

- It's good to see you.

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need you ♪

♪ Back here where we need you ♪

♪ Well, we teased him a lot, but we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪

- It's been fucking awesome.

♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪

- My toothbrush.

I think it's totally gone.

I don't think I have it.

- [JACK] We'll find it.

(dog barking) (quirky music)

- I found it, but it's over here.

(Arthur growling)

(tense music)

- [JASON] Do you have a toothbrush for me?

Damn, I hate this fucking dog.

(drums rolling)

- You gotta hit them.

- [SARAH] What?

- You gotta hit them hard.

- So I can't play, whatever.

- [BAND MEMBER] Fucking Sarah.

- So I don't know how to play drums, it's okay.

- The video shoot apparently is definite

for a week on Friday.

Sarah, did you get all of that?

- [SARAH] Kill me.

- [BOBBY] This is nothing.

Wait 'til we're doing like fucking four or five in a row.

- I can play the songs and stuff, but it's just like-

- You need to start working out, girl.

The band's gonna have four weeks.

Shape up, girly.

Sarah just doesn't have the confidence.

I think it was a mistake in the beginning

to bring a friend in,

you know, it sounded like a great idea at the time.

Just file it under great ideas at the time.

Any one of these girls is like a huge improvement.

These two are the best.

- She's cute.

- [BOBBY] She was a good drummer.

If we're looking for somebody that's totally in.

- 22.

Oh, how cute is she?

She's cute.

She's beautiful.

Did she smoke?

- No.

- [SHARON] She's a sweet little thing.

- Look at her eyes.

She doesn't grimace when she plays.

(Sharon laughs)

- Sarah's like...

Sarah reminds me of Popeye behind the drums.

(Bobby laughs)

(Sharon groaning)

- Popeye.

(Sharon laughs)

- Mom, I can't say it to her.

She's the only one who I'm really friends with in the band.

It really sucks.

- [BOBBY] Tell her you needed to get another drummer

with more experience.

- Listen, Kelly, I'm going to do it.

- All right, Alicia, thanks very much,

and you did really good.

You did really good, they like you.

Okay, so we'll see you then.

All right, bye bye.

- What's up, Sarah?

- Can I talk to your mom for like a minute?

(theatrical music)

♪ You say I should do it differently ♪

♪ I don't necessarily agree ♪

♪ Stand up, sit down, be nice ♪

♪ Did you hear me ask for your advice ♪

♪ There's nothing you can say to me ♪

♪ That means a damn thing to me ♪

♪ So shut up ♪

♪ Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ♪

♪ That's what it sounds like you said to me ♪

♪ You nag, and you brag, and I gag ♪

♪ There's so much beauty in what we have ♪

- Hey, I'm Emmett, the director.

- I'm Sarah.

- Hey, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- Do the slide.

Have her do the slide.

She's gonna do the slide.

- What?

- You're gonna do this in front of the camera,

and then just sit down and read something.

Roll playback!

(film beeping)

♪ You say I should do it differently ♪

- I'm out of fucking debt,

from the family, for playing drums.

10 fucking grand.

- [KELLY] Sarah!

- What?

(mellow music)

- [JACK] Look at her!

She's going.

- [JASON] Those dogs like to skate.

- Oh, shit.

- [JACK] Kick flip, look.

Backside grind.

- That's awesome.

(dogs growling)

- [JACK] Look, here we go.

(group laughing)

- [JASON] You're gonna hump her.

See dude, dude loves chicks who skate.

- [JACK] Go, go, go, Arthur, go!

- Damn, these dogs lead lives, man,

that we'll never know about, we won't,

at night, they do things that we just have no idea about.

They live a cleaner, healthier life than I'll ever know.

(Gus meowing)

(upbeat music)

♪ Ooh, ooh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You keep asking me, baby ♪

♪ If I still love you ♪

♪ But how I can try when you make me cry ♪

♪ Is that what you like to do ♪

♪ But if you just open your heart to me ♪

♪ Then you would see ♪

♪ That there's no other ♪

♪ You're my only lover ♪

♪ Just turn around and you will see ♪

♪ You're moving in the wrong direction ♪

♪ You're taking it too far away ♪

- Dude, did you what fucking Arthur did to Gus?

Arthur butt-raped Gus, like fully.

Not just like poked and prodded, like penetrated Gus.

- No! - No way.

- Yes.

- And then he was crying.

Crying.

My poor baby, look at him. - He was raped.

- Look, you can tell he's been sexually abused.

- [JACK] He's been raped.

- But Gloria called up the vet,

and the vet said it couldn't happen.

Now how come a dog can't stick its dick up a cat's bum?

Well, he was trying, and that's why he shit everywhere.

- And dogs get wangs don't get too hard, I don't think.

- [BOBBY] What happened to Gus?

- [KELLY] Arthur pinned Gus and fucked him in the ass.

(Bobby laughs)

(upbeat music)

- If we bomb Iraq,

what are they trying to accomplish again?

- [JACK] Oil, they want oil.

- Fuck yeah, America, right on.

And I think it's completely great.

In Kuwait, if they can get KFC from American culture

and have a great time, that's awesome too,

but there's not a goddamn thing you or my lazy ass

is gonna do about any of this.

It's completely fucked and it's almost awesome in a way.

It's like the crusades or something, man.

It's fucked.

As besides the talking picture box tells me.

Whoa, man!

It's like living in the fucking '60s.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Wait, you were alive in the '60s?

- No, no.

(Jack's friend laughs)

It's just in relation.

- You know how wealthy America would be if we'd concur Iraq?

We'll be one of the most powerful nations.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] I think that's dope.

- No, it's not, because America-

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Take the power back.

- You know, I guarantee you,

America's only gonna be around for 50 more years.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] 50 or 15?

- [JACK] 50.

(tense music)

- Yeah, but Jack, don't spout off pieces of information

that you get from places,

because you are a completely ignorant human being.

(hands slapping)

(Jason groaning)

You're good, man.

- [JACK] Yes.

(rooster crows)

- You make a shit out of yourself,

you make a shit out of yourself.

I just happen to be pretty good at that.

I got my toothbrush.

(wheels rolling) (mellow music)

- Arthur was fixed September the 27th, it's recently,

so he's still going through emotions, he said.

- No, no, no, that dog has got to go.

It fucked Gus in the ass.

His dick was in Gus' ass.

Gus was so scared that he shit himself in the kitchen.

- He shit twice.

- It's impossible, that's what the doctors say.

Nobody's gonna believe it.

And they say, okay, tell her congratulations,

she'll have cat and dogs. (laughs)

- No, but his dick was in his ass.

- [GLORIA] It's impossible.

That's what he said.

- He's wrong.

Arthur, you are a horny toad.

He's still got that big willy.

- [GLORIA] He's still going through emotions.

- [SHARON] He needs a night with Anna Nicole.

(upbeat music)

Oh, look at this, Ozzy.

- [OZZY] What the fuck's going on?

- I'm gonna find a new apartment,

and I'm gonna take Chicken away from this madness.

Where they eat shit and fuck cats.

(theatrical music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- Wouldn't it be cool if Kelly went out with Puff Daddy?

Kel Puff Daddy, and I was Puff Daddy's mother-in-law.

- I have to be in New York tomorrow.

Oh, for God's sake!

I'm sick of it, I want a fucking break!

I fucking hate it!

- She's fucking nuts.

(Kelly laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Awesome, I'm a total shit bag who does nothing.