Original subtitles

- Ocean? Not my place, man. I was born on land.

I'm no fucking deep sea diver.

He, he was telling me he went in a cage, this dude here,

in a fucking cage, 60 foot shark or something.

Great white. Cage wouldn't do a fucking thing.

It'd have to be like, titanium fucking safe for me.

(people laughing)

With a little peehole! (indistinct) was a cunt!

(big band music playing)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people livin' as foes ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(quirky music playing)

- You know, Kelly's coming, going to England.

- Oh, I can't believe it.

- She's got one interview after another,

and TV shows to do. She's doing Top of the Pops!

- Top of the Pops is a music show in England.

(60s music playing)

In England it's not by best album, it's like best single,

and the top 10 singles they perform on the show.

I've watched that show every week since, when I was two.

I've been watching that show since like, forever.

Oh my god.

(quirky music playing)

- Five.

Six.

- One more on top.

I've just taken five so far, haven't I?

- Or just take 'em and let me know

how many you end up with, okay? I trust you!

- How many-

- I know you're not gonna leave.

- I tell you, I tell you what, if you think I'm gonna leave,

here's my loot. - Huh?

No, I don't think you're gonna leave.

- No, no, no, no, hold on to it 'cause I can't remember it.

(quirky music playing)

- [Person In Car] Ozzy, you rock!

- [Ozzy] Thank you!

- [Kelly] I don't know!

- She doesn't like to say goodbye, look.

- [Sharon] I'm crying. - [Kelly] Are you crying?

- Aww!

I feel evil for leaving.

- [Sharon] Everybody's gone this week. I hate this week.

Be a good girl.

(quirky music playing)

- The fire station, is it there?

- Yeah, the fire station's right there.

We could take a right over there, walk across.

- Okay, let's do it.

(people in car cheering to Ozzy)

I've got a house on the beach there.

And we wondered, we wanted to light a fire on the beach,

a campfire, uh...

- Light a fire on the beach? - [Ozzy] Yeah.

- It only, it has to be in pits.

- [Ozzy] If we dig a pit?

- If you make a pit? It's not a public recreation area

right there, so I don't think it's within the legal limits,

but we can check the code and get you a definite answer.

- [Ozzy] Can you do that for me?

- Yeah, let's come on inside for a second, check the answer.

- [Ozzy] Okay. - You wanna come with us?

Over here, Ozzy. He wants to do a pit fire in the back

for his wife, just to get her out of the house.

- Yeah, we can do a, we'd have to do a permit.

- [Ozzy] If you wanna send someone over to supervise,

you could, just tell us what we need to do.

I don't wanna set fire to the- - No, do you have a pit that's

out there? - No, no.

- So you wanna build one? - [Cop] Dig one in the sand?

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah you can do that.

You just need to have it, uh, and you can send somebody

over to show you where to build it.

- [Ozzy] Okay. - [Cop] And whatnot.

- [Ozzy] Okay.

- Well, good. We need to have your address.

Telephone number - Where do I live?

Where do I live?

- All right, let's talk about Jack.

- North Carolina. - North Carolina.

- Set of Dawson's Creek, he'll be fine.

- He's got to learn his script.

- There's 5 lines. - But he's gotta learn it.

I don't want him to go in there and stumble over anything.

He's gotta get them all down, he's gotta be professional,

gotta get 'em down. - [Person In Hat] Okay.

- You can like-

- Well, it's very easy, it's just cursing.

- Get outta here. - It's like,

Jack pops up in the back of a car and the next line is,

"Do you know where I can get any drugs?".

- That was gonna be my next thing to you.

- That's the last line, like, they leave and he's like,

"You know where I can get any drugs around here?".

- Would you please, please make sure no pot.

- Oh, yeah. - No pot, no drinking.

But you have to go with him. - [PERSON IN HAT] Right.

- So, wherever he goes. - Does that mean I'm,

like, I get the rule to physically pull the drinks

out of his hand? - No drinking, no drugging.

And make sure he thanks everyone and he's polite.

If he starts to get lippy, slap him.

- Mum? I've really gotta go now.

- All right, well, hold on a minute. You're going?

I do love you. I don't want you to go,

I don't want you to leave me. I've had too many farewells

today, I don't like it. Okay?

- [Jack] Mhm. - [Sharon] You promise to

be a good boy? Promise? - [Jack] Mhm.

- [Sharon] All right. You just have some fun.

And when you've had enough fun, come home.

- [Jack] I will.

Love you.

- Get outta here.

(person announcing flights over airport speakers)

- [Kelly] Before I go to Top of the Pops

I'm going to Germany because I'm doing promotion there

for my album and stuff and they asked if I could

go down there and... when they booked me to go down there.

(quirky music playing)

Oh, I packed all my fucking shit!

(airplane engines roaring)

(upbeat music playing)

- [Officer] Where were you thinking that you

wanted to have the fire? - Where should we have it?

- The only stipulation is that it has to be 25 feet

from your structure, so that's about

where that log is right there. - So this side of the log

or this side? - Anywhere out there

approximately where the log is would be about 25 feet.

- But this side of the log or?

- [OFFICER] That'd be fine, yeah.

- [OZZY] Okay.

- And you'd obviously have to do it when the tide goes down.

- [Ozzy] I'll do it down there.

- All right.

- [Ozzy] But this side of the log?

- But just keep it down, you know, make sure

that it doesn't get too big.

- Okay. Oh, you're joking?

- All right?

- [OZZY] So we dig a hole this side of the log? This side?

- Yeah, dig a hole would be good.

Do you have some firewood?

- Oh, lots of it. If I start the fire with one of these?

- [OFFICER] Okay.

- [Ozzy] Is that okay?

- [OFFICER] Those would be great.

(happy music playing)

- [OZZY] Thank you. - All right.

Enjoy your fire tonight.

- [KELLY] Fuck me, man, I'm terrified of flying!

(kelly giggling nervously)

- [PERSON] They won't have- (loud scraping)

Jesus! (both laughing)

- [Kelly] Me and her were like...!

- [Person] Were you not expecting it to hit the runway?

- [Kelly] No, not like that!

(cool music playing)

- This is the worst feeling ever.

- My fucking bag is lost. I want my fucking bag!

(accordion music playing)

My fucking bag is lost and I guarantee I'll never get it

back and you know what's even worse? I have thousands

and thousands of dollars worth of clothes in there.

Like, my clothes that I packed in that bag were like,

every designer piece that's in my wardrobe is in that bag.

- When we had to go down and go through the bag for that gun

I guess all the other luggage had been-

- [Kelly] It's not a gun, it's a pin!

See this pin right here? It was in my bag and I seriously

went through 7 airports with it, no one ever stopped me,

no one ever said 'what is that?'.

- [ASSISTANT] So I walk up there and they all like,

move away and then Kelly's like, oh, it's this!

And then they put it, like, through the scanner again

and it actually looked like a real pistol.

- No, seriously, it came up on the screen as like that big.

And I shit you not, looked like a fucking real gun and it's,

and I'm like, the thing is what bothers me is if you look

at it this way, it's like flat, it's like that thin.

And I was just, it was just so weird.

And then that, that was the case that's missing.

And I'm really pissed off. 'Cause not only do I have

to wash my knickers every night because I have to wear

the same ones every day, like, it's disgusting.

- [ASSISTANT] I don't know why you don't wear my knickers.

(Kelly groaning) Don't screw your face up,

there's nothing wrong with my knickers!

(acoustic guitar playing)

- And you. - Welcome to Wilmington.

- Thank you.

(classical music playing)

- Is there any one that you like any better?

Do you have any preference? - Nah.

- Nah, T-shirt's a T-shirt, huh?

- [Jack] Exactly. - Okay.

- This was the first attempt. This hole here

was the first attempt. Failed miserably.

Take two, where the fuck's the second one?

Whoa!

Fuck off, fuck off!

(waves crashing) (tense music playing)

Stop! Fucking go to Alaska!

Go to, oh, no no no no!

You fucking asshole ocean!

No!

I feel like a fucking construction worker.

I tell you what would be a good idea if we all went

and grabbed a rock and put a rock on top of this.

Let's get a couple of rocks.

(quirky music playing) Fuck off!

Fuck that.

(Ozzy blowing nose loudly)

Fuck off!

(accordion music playing)

- Why would I come to Germany and drink Heineken, Jack?

Good, 'cause I can drink here. And every time, 'cause,

I like, 'cause I can't speak German, and I keep,

I just like, point to a beer on the menu

and they're all gross, they're the shittest beers ever.

I've been wearing these pants for three days,

my bra for three days. Luckily I wash my underwear

before I go to sleep every night but it's disgusting.

It's nasty. I don't have any underwear, I have a pet peeve

about wearing other people's underwear.

Unless they're members of my family.

Have you got a cold?

Jack you sound like you've got a fucking dick in your mouth.

I'm gonna be on Top of the Pops! And you're gonna miss it.

(Kelly gasping) Hello?

He hung up!

(people speaking German)

(rock music playing)

- [Mally] I can't believe we had

our first Beatles experience.

- It's not like being a Beatle, Mally! It's like 4 people.

That have been following us all day!

(person speaking German)

- Kelly Osbourne is here! Hi Kelly!

- Hi!

(DJ speaking German)

Good how are you? - Excellent.

(DJ speaking German)

- Fuck all. I don't know any German. At all.

(DJ speaking German)

That's amazing, I always don't know what to say.

- So you think it's too big?

- The fire?

- Yeah. - No.

- It fucking will be in about 10 minutes.

I'm gonna get some more logs.

I am log man!

Falling timber!

(quirky music playing)

Sharon! Are you coming down or what?

I like warming my butt by the fire!

(accordion music playing)

- Thank you!

- I can't believe that I ever could see you.

- Ah, thank you! - Can I have your autograph?

- Of course!

- Thank you.

- It was nice meeting you.

- Can you sing Papa Don't Preach a little bit?

(Kelly laughing) - I can't!

- [PERSON] Please?!

(both laughing)

- She doesn't have her band here.

- Well, that doesn't matter!

- No, I'm embarrassed!

It was nice meeting you. - Thank you.

- You're welcome. - Can I sing something too?

- Okay.

♪ Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble now, papa don't preach ♪

You have a really good voice! It was nice meeting you.

(all giggling)

- Bye!

- Ooh, 5.45am. That's rough.

You guys run a mean schedule here.

(jazz music playing)

- It's time, Jack.

Gotta leave in 20, all right.

♪ I headed down the street ♪

♪ And found that on my way ♪

♪ A smile from everyone that I meet ♪

♪ Sunny it's your lucky day ♪

- I did a pretty good job getting up this morning,

you must admit.

- [Person] Come on, we gotta go.

- [Person In Car] We should probably wake him up.

(swinging 60s music playing)

- [PERSON] Live broadcast, please no swearing.

- Does she really get in trouble if I swear? Considering

they push the issue so much about my mouth, I'm like,

oh my god, please don't talk shit about anyone,

and please don't swear! - What the fuck?!

- [Actress] What's this about you seeing me naked?

- What did you tell her?

- [PERSON] Just what you told me, chief.

- Fuck you!

- Yay, thanks a lot and that's a wrap on Jack!

- Well done, Jack. - Thank you.

(all applauding)

- You live in LA? - Yeah.

(rock music playing)

- I'm so excited for you.

Okay, good luck. You don't need it, but good luck.

Actually, break a leg!

- Do you see me? I wish you could feel my-

- No, it's gonna be, I can feel it, it's gonna be good.

Feel my vibes! - Yeah, feel the vibes!

- [KELLY] It's something that... my dad did the show

31 years ago. (rock music playing)

And now I'm doing it.

Shitting myself right now! - You're doing it baby!

- [PERSON] Here we go. Let's stand by with the track,

we're on applause. And we'll be queuing the track please

in 5 seconds, Sandra.

- [SANDRA] 4, 3, 2, 1.

(small explosion fizzes) - [KELLY] Fucking hell!

(rock music playing)

(country music playing)

- Now, where did you get these stones from?

- Well, I picked them up.

Have we still got them fishing poles, Shaz?

- We've got them here! - We got any cheese?

- We've got cheese. Why, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

- I'm gonna go fishing. I'm gonna put the cheese on the hook

and... fish like cheese.

Sometimes some fish like cheese.

- I hope you catch some tonight.

- I'm gonna catch a cold!

♪ Fish, catch a fish, and then put it in a dish ♪

Fucking hell.

- We're trying to catch Moby Dick!

♪ Oh go catch a fish ♪

- [Person] There you go. - [Ozzy] Whoa!

Fucking ocean!

Stop!

♪ Let's go catch a fish ♪

No, no no, no!

(loud splashing) (Sharon laughing)

(theme song playing)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on The Osbournes:

- [SHARON] Kelly! - What?

- Are you talking to a boy?

I think we're all waiting for Bert to appear.

- He's not coming over here.

- Bert is a singer of the band called The Yous.

- [Sharon] Kelly, he is a little funky.

- You know what his nickname in the band is, Kelly?

- [KELLY] I don't care. - Cauliflower dick.

- If I was him, I would be polite and come over

and meet the parents.

I don't think she's coming home.

- Stop fucking worrying about Kelly and what she's,

worry about, don't worry about it.

(Kelly screaming loudly) This'll end in fucking tears!

- Serious, Kelly, you can get it from kissing him.

- For fuck's sake, mum!