Original subtitles

- Hello, Sharon. (indistinct chatter)

Hello, Sharon.

Hello, Sharon.

Hello, Sharon.

Tony.

Can somebody get Sharon for me?

- Hello, yes, hi.

Thank you.

- Hello. Hello. (Tony laughing)

Hello.

(dramatic music) ♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

(dramatic music)

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(dramatic music)

(solemn music)

(waves hissing)

- We're back in Malibu.

We're gonna go back to the other house

and we are just keeping this

as like we wanna have quiet time.

- Dad's on tour just doing Ozzfest.

Kelly's recording her album in New York,

and I'm on vacation.

A friend of mine bought me a surfboard for a gift

and so I just went from there.

I hate carrying this fucking board.

Hey Brandon, hey guys.

Brandon Boyd from Incubus.

- It's getting better like right now.

- [JACK] It is?

- That I got outta the water and set started coming in.

- [JACK] Because I could see 'em from my house.

- Have fun. - I will, see you later.

(lighthearted music)

Wow, look at that set.

(lighthearted music)

- I never go to the doctor ever.

And Ozzy was just pleading with me to go to the doctor.

"You've got to go, do you swear?"

And he was like a Chinese water torture on me

and the blood test came back

that my blood count was very low,

and I must be bleeding from somewhere.

And then they had to go in and do some more testing

and then they found out that it was cancer in my colon.

Somehow, I don't know why, but I just knew,

not that it was gonna be where it is.

I can live with it. (Sharon laughing)

It's like, "Oh Sharon, how's your arsehole doing today?"

It's so much better.

Thank you. (indistinct chatter)

♪ I feel safe in New York City ♪

(telephone chiming) - Hello?

Hi Mommy.

How's it flowing down there by the beach, mom?

Are you feeling all right?

- [SHARON] I feel fine.

- Is someone there with you?

- [SHARON] I booted them all out.

- Did they put you to sleep?

- [SHARON] They give you a pill and the pain goes away.

I'm not frightened, I'm not any of that.

- I love you.

I fucking hate Aimee and Jack. - Why?

- If your mother was going to have something implanted

in her fucking chest, would you be there?

- Yeah. - Exactly.

- [SHARON] We're doing our own version of ER.

- [GABRIEL] So this is your first, first, first, right?

- Just like a virgin, be gentle Gabriel.

- I'm gonna be very gentle.

- She's very shy.

- [GABRIEL] She's very shy.

Lemme see you port, please.

- You just want me to take my top off, don't you?

I sussed you out already, Gabriel.

- [GABRIEL] Lemme just get my...

- You don't wanna see anymore?

(Sharon sighing) Shit.

- [GABRIEL] Maybe later. - Okay.

I'm just watching this cake being made on TV.

- [GABRIEL] Yeah, we have the boob tube for you to watch.

(Sharon laughing)

And if you don't have any questions, I'll see you.

- Give us a kiss. (lips smooching)

Thank you. - [GABRIEL] You're welcome.

- Will I have Gabriel every time,

or do you have different...

- [SPEAKER 1] You could request Gabriel

as often as you need to. - Okay.

Now all I know is I'm gonna go through the chemo,

so fine, I'll get through it.

Everybody's just gotta get back

to what they usually do, and that's it.

These things in life are never planned,

and just when you think it's going so good,

there's a little bump in the road to remind you.

- When I found out, seriously,

it was like someone stabbed me in the chest.

- You think something like that can never come

into your family, but when it does,

it's just a really big shock.

- Ozzy was going through a detox,

so he wasn't his strongest.

- Rock and roll. (lively music)

♪ Goodbye to all the past ♪

♪ I guess that we'll meet ♪

♪ We'll meet in the end ♪

Thank you. (audience cheering)

That suck's man.

See, I'm still detoxing.

I'm fucking sick and tired of this fucking stress

that I'm under constantly, man.

I don't want to fucking be here.

- You can't do it anymore, you can't do it.

Well then when we go back to Los Angeles part and cancel.

- Then I don't wanna bring her any more fucking stress

as she's already got.

- [ROBERT] Ozzy, this might not be a great time

to think about that, just stay here in the moment.

- Robert came out on the road to try and keep Ozzy sober.

- Can I give you a big hug, Ozz?

I'm sorry you're not enjoying this as much.

- [SHARON] Ozzy was self-medicating,

because of everything that had happened with me.

- In the 80's when the bat biting thing was going on...

You know about that, yeah? - Uh-uh.

- You must be the only one in the world

who doesn't know about it.

- I didn't know the story, I'd heard something.

I don't know if it was a bat or a chicken,

or wasn't there something about going into a record meeting?

- Yeah, I did that as well.

- It's another one, different animal?

- Yeah. - Ozzy, we could also...

I was gonna tell you, if you wanted

to do a little yoga practice,

I'd be happy to take you through that.

- Fuck that.

- [SHARON] He was trying to get him to do yoga.

For Ozzy to try and do yoga would be like impossible.

Ozzy's like a rubber band that's pulled at either end,

and it's ready to snap any second.

He was trying to get Ozzy into being a lot more spiritual

by reading him poetry.

- "Today, like every other day

we wake up empty and frightened.

Today, take down a musical instrument.

There's a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground

and the world is too full to talk about.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.

The door is round and open.

Don't go back to sleep."

- What the fuck was that all about?

- Did you just fart while I was reading this poem?

- Yeah. (Robert laughing)

(dramatic music)

- [INSTRUCTOR] Exercise one, quick warmup.

Va va's and vb's, relax and breathe.

♪ Va, va, va, va, vb, vb, vb, vb ♪

♪ Va, va, va, va, va ♪

♪ Va, va, va, va, vb, vb, vb, vb ♪

♪ Va, va, va, va, va ♪

(lighthearted music)

♪ Gentlemen, Jack's a ladies man ♪

♪ He can make love like no one can ♪

♪ He's what you called a real Don Juan ♪

♪ You ought to see him carry on ♪

♪ Jack, Jack, Jack, cu-cu-tu-gu-ru-du ♪

♪ Jack, Jack, Jack, cu-cu-tu-gu-ru-du ♪

♪ Jack, Jack, Jack, cu-cu-tu-gu-ru-du ♪

♪ Jack, Jack, Jack ♪ (lighthearted music)

- Surfing is definitely one of my new hobbies.

You can't describe when you're in a wave

and it's pushing you along, and how fast you go,

and just the rush.

It's amazing.

- What we have here is a pier.

It's been mocking us all day.

It's going, you can't jump off me.

You can't jump off me.

- So we said no. - So we said-

- It's so peaceful out there.

Nothing matters when you're in the water.

There's just no worry.

The only thing you gotta worry about

is just other people out there.

But once you know the way, it's simple, it's great.

(Jack yelling) (splash crackling)

Wow.

Ow.

- So what are we hurt here?

- [SPEAKER 2] Can you get me to the back, Jack.

- Where are we hurting? - Right here.

- Why don't we just hold it right there like that.

Sorry about that.

Get this in a sling for you.

- Everybody pulled it off but you, Jack.

- [SPEAKER 2] Nice sling. (group laughing)

- [JACK] So much for surfing.

- [SPEAKER 3] Is your mom gonna yell at us, Jack?

- Dude, I have a feeling your mom's gonna yell

at me right now. - She's not, she's not.

- [SPEAKER 3] Why are you making him jump off the pier?

- Are you allergic to any medications?

- No, especially not Vicodin. (group laughing)

- What have you done?

Do you think you are a fucking bird?

- It's either that, or go out and get drunk.

So, I think this is more constructive.

- I can't believe you're staying in tonight.

This must be the first night in a year.

- The good news is I don't see a broken bone.

Bad news is there probably is one.

(Doctor chuckling)

You have a lot of fluid in your elbow joint,

so you're gonna need to be in a sling.

- Okay. - [DOCTOR] Ice.

I'll give you some pain medicine.

- They better gimme so much painkillers.

How much is this gonna hurt?

More than the fall or...

- No - Owwie.

(Sharon laughing)

- [SPEAKER 4] Needle's out, you did great.

- You should just put us all in a hospital ward.

Your dad's not well.

Me with half a colon, you with a broken arm.

♪ Jack, Jack, Jack ♪

- He's such a fucking dork.

He jumped off a fucking pier and broke his elbow.

- Jack fractured his elbow.

- He's such an idiot.

- Jack fractured his elbow today.

- What?

- Jack fractured his elbow today.

- Oh, that's a dangerous bone of fraction on the elbow.

- The tiny things are landing on me,

like fucking meteorites.

(telephone ringing) Hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

Yes, hello Colin.

Things are going on, you know, and fuck me...

And this life has a way of kicking you in the balls

now and again, isn't there?

I had this plan that I'd die before she would.

My plan didn't work out.

She's my whole world, she's my...

She's the best lover I've ever had.

The best friend I've ever had.

The worst friend I've ever had.

Because it's like bread and butter, and Sharon and Ozzy,

- [ROBERT] If it's any consolation,

you'll probably die long before she will.

- What'd you say? (melancholic music)

- Whose picture is that?

- My mother gave me that prayer on her deathbed.

- Yeah, you carry it with you.

(melancholic music)

- [ROBERT] Want me to read that prayer out loud?

- No.

- Robert tried, but 12-step program

somehow doesn't work for Ozzy.

He's never got past step three.

- [SPEAKER 5] I couldn't handle it anymore.

I mean, I didn't wanna drink or be in the position I was,

so that's when I found Jesus.

- [ROBERT] And has your life gotten better?

- Absolutely, extremely, 100%.

- [OZZY] I'm a bad alcoholic when I'm in the meeting.

I go, well, "If you had one leg

and you're in a room full of one-legged men,

you wouldn't wanna talk about how you lost your leg

for the rest of your life, you'd just get on with it."

- I went to Christian group counseling

and we did the 12-step program in the counseling group

based on not just a higher power, but with Jesus.

- [SHARON] It's very hard for Ozzy to go into a room

full of strangers and then start talking about himself.

And he just shuts up when he goes to those sessions.

- We did it based on Jesus.

- [SPEAKER 6] What they say is the primary treatment

for alcoholics is group therapy.

- I'm worried about him.

I don't know how he's gonna last through this tour.

(traffic buzzing)

- I don't want to be sober, Sharon, I don't feel good.

I've got no booze, no drugs, no wife.

I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown.

It's like I can't take the knocks.

I'm hurt enough, I wanna come home.

I always try to get sober in the wrong...

Worst possible conditions.

How many shows do I have?

Is it not more than 10, 20, 25, 25 shows?

Okay, okay, you just take it easy, I'll be all right.

Don't worry about me.

- He just kept saying, "You can't leave me."

I'm like, "I'm not going anywhere.

No one's getting rid of me, I ain't ready yet."

- I love you too, sweetheart.

Miss you terribly.

- How is she, Ozzy? - She's great.

♪ So long, goodbye, I'm outta here ♪

Rock and roll.

♪ I'm going, so it's time to get in gear ♪

(fans cheering)

♪ My time is up, I'll take my leave and soak it well ♪

♪ I'll see you again ♪

♪ My time is up so why I'm outta here ♪

Been a long road.

This is the last Ozzfest, I'm retiring and I'm going home.

(dramatic music)

- [INSTRUCTOR] Exercise two.

Every single note attacked from the diaphragm.

A little like laughing.

(piano music)

♪ Fa, fa, fa ♪

♪ Fa, fa, fa ♪

♪ Fa, fa, fa ♪

♪ Fa, fa, fa ♪

♪ Fa, fa, fa ♪

♪ Fa, fa, fa ♪

♪ Fa, fa, fa ♪

♪ Fa, fa, fa ♪

♪ Fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa ♪

(lighthearted music)

- Exhale.

Feel the stretch in that back- - Yeah.

(dramatic music) (traffic buzzing)

- What kind of cheese is this? - From under cheese.

- Oh, fuck off, dad. (phone chiming)

Sorry, dad.

- No problem, my brain.

- Have you spoke to your mum yet today?

- [KELLY] Yes.

- She sounds great, didn't she?

- [KELLY] Uh-huh, this whole thing's freaking me out, man.

The word cancer and the word chemo.

- But we're a family and we'll stick together,

and we'll just get through it one way or another.

(telephone chiming) - Hello.

- [OZZY] The most obnoxious fucking ring.

- I have to go goodbye.

- Is that another boyfriend?

- I don't have a boyfriend, I don't want a boyfriend.

- I hope you don't want a fucking girlfriend.

I'm only joking...

I hope. (Ozzy chuckling)

- [KELLY] Dad. - That was a good shot.

Hit me in the fucking nose. (Kelly laughing)

I won't joke anymore.

It smacked me right between my fucking eye.

- I have good hand eye coordination.

- [OZZY] Play fucking darts. (Kelly laughing)

(lighthearted music)

- This is the worst time I've ever seen him on tour anyway.

And it's incredible

that he is actually dealing with this and continuing.

Fortunately, we're going home tonight for three days,

so God bless him.

- I've done a lot worse than jump up pier, son.

Like throw a television out the window a few months ago.

- Do you mean a few weeks ago?

(Sharon laughing)

- I was trying to light the logs in the fire.

- Oh God, oh my God.

It's going out so that fucking...

- No, don't put your hand in there.

I'm not pushing my hand in there.

- What's wrong with it?

- [OZZY] (indistinct) leave it, don't you?

- [SHARON] This is wood, it's inflammable, Ozzy.

- [OZZY] I've been set more fucking fires by you.

- [SHARON] It was like trying

to tweezer the fire thing open.

- [OZZY] What is this shit string

you got on the fucking fire?

- [SHARON] Logs. - [OZZY] It's not logs.

- Dual flame things.

Oh, fuck.

Ozzy.

- I think you better phone the fire brigade,

we got smoke in here.

- Look at my Buddha, it's not meant to smoke.

I think we better call the fire brigade.

- [JACK] Is there fire alar...

A fire thing here?

- No, I think we should call the fire brigade.

- [JACK] We don't need the fire brigade,

because that's stupid and fucking dramatic.

- Doesn't water make it spread?

(water hissing) (Sharon laughing)

Look at the black.

- Well, how can you get rid of that?

- Never, ever light fires in the house.

- [SHARON] Ozzy, don't lean in like that.

- [OZZY] And my legs, nearly on fire

with these bastard candles out.

What the fuck?

Return to site tomorrow, it would be all wires don't you.

- I'm sorry, I want it a bit nice when you got back.

- Gonna burn the fucking place down.

- Why am I always the one

that ends up cleaning the burnt shit?

- All right, blow them out.

- Good night, sheep shaggers, wherever you may be.

Are we going to eat?

- In the next 15 minutes.

(wings fluttering)

(lighthearted music)

- Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

- Where's his food go?

- Who's food?

- The fucking parrot.

He's saying gimme some food.

- You know what he's doing?

- He's having a seizure,

this fucking bird's gone into a seizure.

We got an alcoholic fucking bird, man.

- [SPEAKER 7] There you are.

- There we go, (indistinct) fucking cage.

Why couldn't I got a smaller cage for you?

(bird squeaking)

All right, I didn't mean to, I won't curse at you anymore.

(lighthearted music) (bird squeaking)

(car door banging)

(lips smooching)

Please take care, baby.

Oh, see, I gotta go Sharon.

I'll see you later.

- I love you daddy, and you travel safe.

And no looking at any women.

(plane engine roaring) (audience cheering)

- I'm speaking on the phone to my wife Sharon.

She's doing fucking great, man.

Here's a song called "Mama I'm Coming Home."

Life has a way of kicking you straight in the fucking nuts.

For instance, I remember I had some food

and the next minute I know I was fucking picking myself off

the fucking bathroom floor.

I don't remember a thing.

I can't drink anymore.

♪ Times have changed and times are strange ♪

♪ Here I come but I ain't the same ♪

♪ Mama, I'm coming home ♪

The fucking week before I go on the Ozzfest

I've got the news that my wife's got colon cancer,

which I don't think is actually a good thing

to pack in your suitcase and go on the road.

God fucking works in weird ways.

Come on

♪ Mama I'm coming home. ♪

My heart was breaking every night on stage.

I put on a brave face.

But when you got a broken heart,

'cause someone that you love has got sick,

you can't pretend not to have a broken heart.

♪ You made me cry, you told me lies ♪

♪ But I can't stand to say goodbye ♪

♪ Mama, I'm coming home ♪

♪ I could be right, I could be wrong ♪

♪ It hurts so bad it's been so long ♪

♪ Mama, I'm coming home ♪

Hello sweetheart, I just wanted to phone you

to tell you how much I love you,

and I'm can't wait to see you.

I don't think in my collective memory of life,

I can never remember so many ups and downs

major in my life, no in half a year,

God bless.

Love you, bye.

Yes, we're gonna that cancer's fucking ass.

♪ Mama, mama I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

They say life sucks, then you fucking die.

- I'm not ready to croak yet.

And definitely not with a wig on.

(dramatic music)

- [ANNOUNCER] Next time on "The Osbourne's,"

- I've got a house on the beach here.

If I wanted light a fire on the beach, a camp fire

is it out of ordinance?

- Light a fire on the beach.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

You fucking asshole ocean.

No, I like warming my butt by the fire.

(silence)