Original subtitles

- See, this is what I'm on about, about simplicity.

I've had this TV for about seven years.

This is how it works,

power on, it comes on.

Simple clicker, volume control, piece of piss,

works every time.

What the fuck's this shit?

This is not allowed.

What's happened to it?

How'd you get this fucking thing?

Jack.

♪ Crazy, hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people, living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe, it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love, and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

(dogs growling)

- I'm talking, I've got Arthur here.

Come on Arthur, come on little Arthur.

(dogs barking)

My Pippy, who's home?

Pippy dippy.

- So, watch this, come behind me.

(metal clanging)

- [KELLY] Fuck me, I'm out of here.

- Gloria, can you go and tell Sam

to turn the sprinklers on

because there are a whole bunch of people on the lawn?

Thanks, bye.

(person screaming)

(metal clanging)

(dogs barking)

- [JACK] I fucking hate everyone

in this fucking family.

Shut the fuck up.

- Don't talk to her like that.

Hey, hey, hey.

You see this here?

- Mm, see this.

- This is a gold filling

that was in my mouth.

I swallowed it and it took 10 days

to pass through my body.

That's been a long way.

- I'm going to Washington,

I'm flying to Washington tonight.

We've been invited to this press,

press dinner, with the President of the United States

at the White House.

- Guess what, did you hear that?

You're going to the President's house

for a little din, din.

- I don't know how to handle it.

I come from, I'm a street guy,

come from the back streets of Birmingham.

- You need to take that one.

- Where's my Van Cleef?

I don't wanna take that one Sharon.

- Why?

Because it's an evening one.

You wear it with evening, look at your,

look at your cuff links.

- It's all new to me.

I don't know how the etiquette is.

I'm a slob, you know,

scratch my ass when I wanna scratch my ass.

I'll be getting nutted,

digged in the ribs during the evening,

by my wife all night.

I'll take this Van Cleef with me Sharon.

- Okay.

- It's still fucking going.

(upbeat music)

- So Kelly covered Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach",

and I believe she's gonna be

performing it live at the MTV movie awards next week.

(guns banging)

(upbeat music)

♪ Maybe we'll be all right ♪

♪ It's a sacrifice ♪

♪ But my friend's keep telling me to give it up ♪

♪ Saying I'm too young ♪

(Kelly screaming)

(drums banging)

- She hates to come to terms,

it was actually, I had a part,

a big part to do with her getting signed,

so, she's kind of denying it.

If you know what I mean.

Yeah, I know you're gonna fucking...

- Jack, I'm not having chicks in my band.

It's not a chick band.

- No, Kelly.

- Yes, she is an amazing drummer undeniably

but I don't want a chick band.

- Doesn't have to be an all chick band.

Only a girl drummer.

That's being sexualist Kelly.

- No it's not, it's just saying I don't want,

Jack it's not sexualist.

- That's sexualist.

- Jack, you just made up a word.

- I've been off the coast of St. Bart's

playing with spider monkeys, tripping on acid.

Changed my whole perspective on shit.

- [OZZY] You got my passport Sharon?

- [SHARON] Got it.

- [OZZY] Both of them?

- [SHARON] Everything.

- [OZZY] Jack, gonna miss you son.

- [SHARON] Thank you very much.

- [JACK] Group hug.

Group hug.

- See you when we get back.

Have fun, we're going to bed now.

- [JACK] Bye, I love you mom.

- Don't go out tonight Jack, please.

- What?

We're going out.

- [SHARON] Jack, I love you.

- Come on Sharon, you're gonna fucking fiddle his elbow.

- [SHARON] I bought him a present.

- [OZZY] What?

- [SHARON] Some cuff links.

- [OZZY] The president?

- [SHARON] Yeah.

- You're not gonna walk up to the president

and give him some cuff links, are you?

- Well, how else is he gonna get 'em?

- No, no, no, don't be stupid.

You can't...

- No, Ozzy, I can, why not?

- You can't, he's not allowed to accept gifts.

- [SHARON] Yes, he is.

- No, he's not.

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] What is that tower?

- [MELINDA] Is it the Washington Monument?

- [SHARON] What goes on there?

- [MELINDA] Nothing, that's just the Washington Monument.

- [SHARON] What's this?

- It's a fort.

What is that?

- Give us the phone Tony.

I gotta call the president.

Eh, put him on the phone now.

- [OZZY] Do you like Bush, Shars?

- I don't know him.

I'm gonna suck up to the old presy.

- [OZZY] Oh no Sharon, I'm getting stage fright.

(doorbell ringing)

- Ah, I'm gonna kill you.

What the hell are you doing?

- I'm just going to rehearsal.

Not much really, there's a couple parties.

Okay, but I'm here now.

I've gotta go, I'm sorry Tracey.

- [ASSISTANT] Let's go to Kelly's little trailer

over here for the news thing.

- You need spritz, you need spritz.

Don't Kelly, that's my spritz.

She stole my spritz.

Just because you have a fucking hit song

doesn't mean you get to spritz everyone, all right?

- Yes it does.

In the ear, ha ha ha.

- [ASSISTANT] Kelly please, the ear's not nice,

you can give him an infection.

- No, I couldn't.

- Kelly, stop spraying my Prada jacket.

- Oh my god, that was the gayest thing you've ever said.

Stop spraying my Prada jacket.

I'll wipe my ass with your Prada jacket, Jack.

- I wipe my ass with your face.

Kelly wanted to be famous,

I never did, and now that she has

complete fame and success with herself,

I'm happy for her.

I'm glad that she got what she wanted.

♪ Happy Jack wasn't old but he was a man ♪

♪ He lived in the sand ♪

Is she here?

Is she here?

♪ The kids would all sing ♪

♪ He would take the wrong key ♪

♪ So they rode on his head ♪

♪ On their furry donkey ♪

Good luck Kel, don't fall down the stairs.

♪ Good for you Jack, you try, try, try ♪

- Don't do that, ow.

- Kelly, stop.

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] I think you look like Harrison Ford.

- Oh fuck off, I look more like Glen Close.

- No, you look like Harrison Ford.

Don't you think he looks like Harrison Ford?

- [OZZY] I think you look like fucking Betty Boop.

- I do.

You look like Harrison Ford.

- Thanks a lot, you cunt.

I said the forbidden word there,

I'm really sorry I said that word Sharon.

- [SHARON] What?

- The C word.

You know I found out

that you can say anything at all to them

but you mention that C word

and you suddenly get this feeling of death

come over you, you know.

(upbeat music)

I don't wanna be walking down there

and my fucking trousers fall down me ankles.

Should I wear a belt?

- [ASSISTANT] I can sew them.

- Don't, don't do that please.

Should I not wear a belt?

- [SHARON] Wear a belt.

Don't make a deal about your hair.

It doesn't look good, okay?

It looks like you just got out of bed.

Would you please just let somebody do your hair

and you won't look,

what, do you think you're gonna look like Dame Edna?

- It's my look.

Please don't make me look like Cher.

- Is that Minnie?

Who is this?

Hey, Minnie.

Come here, hello.

- [OZZY] Hi.

- Hey Ozzy, nice to see you Ozzy.

Nice to see you.

- How you doing?

Good to see you again.

- Good to see you.

- I'm so glad you guys came.

- We're so excited.

(upbeat music)

- It's getting me prepared for England, this rain.

- When are you going to England?

- I'm going 6:30 tomorrow morning.

- You are?

- Yeah.

Well, this should be fun tonight.

It'll be fun or bad, one or the other.

(upbeat music)

(paparazzi yelling)

- Fuck you.

- Hey, where's Greta?

- [ASSISTANT] She's coming.

- [SHARON] Hey, Greta.

- [OZZY] She's way back there, just watch out for you.

- How you doing?

John Micah from Gordon, nice to meet you.

- [OZZY] Pleased to meet you.

- [SHARON] I love your suit.

- Thank you.

- [SHARON] What does it mean?

- What does it mean?

Not a doggone thing.

- Oh my, look who's here.

(upbeat music)

- What a fantastic audience we have tonight.

Washington power brokers,

celebrities, Hollywood stars, Ozzy Osbourne.

(audience applauding)

(ozzy screaming)

(upbeat music)

- Thank you Greta, thank you John.

- Thank you for coming.

- [JOHN] It was a pleasure really.

- I just wanna say, I've had the best night

of my life tonight.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

You always remember as a performer,

your first public appearance.

My first public appearance

was a fire station in Birmingham, England

and there was three firemen and a fucking janitor there

in the audience, and I was like...

- Hi dada.

- You smell nice Jack.

- 'Cause I showered.

- [KELLY] Why'd you throw a TV out the window?

- Throwing a TV out the window

is very 1982.

- It's fucking 72.

- [KELLY] Just don't fuck around.

I love you.

- Arthur's so feisty.

- Yeah, and Arthur also does,

takes a flying leap into the shitty litter

and chows down for half an hour.

It's disgusting.

It's like I go in there,

he's like, and it's like stringing from his mouth.

(everyone groaning)

- Kelly.

- Kelly, please, no graphics.

- Please.

- [SHARON] Recycled fish.

- Hey.

- [KELLY] And then he got sick from it as well.

- Mom, guys, can we just stop.

It's really not necessary.

- [KELLY] You're in a bad mood.

- [JACK] No, I'm not.

I just don't feel like talking about boogers

and vomit and shit.

- Who are the two people you're getting in tomorrow?

- Tim and Himey.

- [KELLY] Fuck off, they're not coming.

- You know what Kelly,

you do your little fucking rock show

and let me enjoy myself, okay?

- [KELLY] I hope someone beats you up.

- You know what Kelly,

I hope your album fails.

- Oh, shut up Jack.

- She just hoped that I got beaten up, all right?

- Jack, where do you want your friends?

- Don't even worry about it.

- No, no, no, no.

- 'Cause Kelly is not gonna be pleased

and if the singer is not happy, it's not gonna work.

- Stop it.

- [KELLY] Jack, I'm sorry you can just never be happy

for anyone and you're just a jealous...

- Jack, I'm asking you baby,

where do you want your friends?

- No, no, no, don't even worry about it.

(audience applauding)

We're at the MTV awards, 2002.

Vultures out there man, be careful.

I was actually a big part to do with her getting signed

so it's kind of...

- [REPORTER] Does she sing in the shower?

- Um, I don't look at my sister in the shower

and I don't go anywhere near her in the shower.

- You're managing a band, right?

- No, I signed a band.

- You signed a band.

- Tell me how your record label's going.

- I don't have a record label, actually.

- Hey what's up, I'm Kelly,

and this is my dorky brother Jack.

I'm here to perform and he's here just to hang.

- Exactly, I'm a leech.

I need to go find Natalie Portman.

Oh Natalie.

Where art thou?

- [ACTOR] Be there right?

When she's there, you're there.

- [JACK] Yeah, I'm just the guy in the corner.

- When she looks, you're there.

- Do you know her publicist?

- Very well.

- Is she with her tonight?

- Find out.

The publicists are the same.

- Well, can you just tell the publicist,

that all I just want is just to hang out with her tonight?

I'm waiting for Natalie Portman.

All right, who's this?

Who's that?

Oh, there she is, there she is, there she is.

There's Natalie.

(slow dreamy music)

We had a moment, we had a moment.

There was a moment.

- [FRIEND] From that moment, a seed, that's been planted.

- It's gonna develop through the evening.

It's gonna be like...

- [FRIEND] Oh yeah, you're set.

Anything I can do.

- Dude, amazing, amazing ass.

- You okay?

Don't be nervous.

- Right now we're walking towards Kelly.

She's about to go on, we have to hurry.

(upbeat music)

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

(upbeat music)

- I love you momma.

- I couldn't be there, one, two.

- Oh, my next one?

- It's my daught, fuck no.

- My sister's about to go on, I've got to see this.

(upbeat music)

Natalie, can I sit on your knee?

Oh thanks.

All right, this is, my goal is achieved, I'm sorry.

- [ANNOUNCER] From London, England Ozzy Osbourne.

(audience applauding)

- I couldn't be there because I'm here

but there's a young, new, charming singer,

fuck me, it's my daughter, Kelly Osbourne.

(upbeat music)

- Come on you guys, get the (beep) up.

♪ Mother, I know you're going to be upset ♪

♪ 'Cause I was always your little girl ♪

♪ But you should know by now ♪

♪ I'm not a baby ♪

(audience applauding)

- That's my baby.

Yes.

- [DIRECTOR] Well done guys, here we go guys, here we go.

(everyone applauding)

- [SHARON] I'm so proud of you.

- [KELLY] I didn't think I could do it.

(jack gasps)

- [JACK] The McRib is back.

- Are you serious, Jack?

- [JACK] That is so good.

- You're getting excited over the McRib?

- You know what Kelly, it's the little things that count.

- [KELLY] Jack goes...

(kelly gasping)

McRib is back.

- Shut up, you know...

- [KELLY] You are such a twat Jack, the McRib.

- Fuck you, fuck you and your little singing thingy.

- [KELLY] All right Jack.

- [JACK] Just because I'm really, really, really

good looking, you're jealous.

- And you're excited about the McRib.

- [JACK] Yeah.

(kelly gasping)

- McRib is back.

- [JACK] You wish you could get excited

at little things like that.

Here we are.

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ We are home again ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

- [FANS] Yo Ozzy.

Ozzy.

(fans yelling)

- I'm moving to New York for two months,

finish my album.

Why does mom have so much shit?

- I'll tell you why,

I'll tell you why your mom has so much shit,

'cause she's the boss.

- Shit, fucking bollocks.

Oh my god, come on, let's go.

Let's go guys, come on.

I can't quite believe it 'cause it's all happened so quick.

Just a few months, our whole lives turned upside down

and everybody's off doing different projects.

(upbeat music)

(slow music)

Everything is really great for us

and I think something's gonna come

and like you know, knock us on the chin,

'cause I can't believe that everything is so good.

I'm always like one of these people,

like, typical Jewish mother,

something's gonna happen.

It can't be this good, you know?

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes."

♪ Times have changed ♪

- They found cancer in my colon.

- When I found out, it was like someone stabbed me

in the chest.

- Ozzy was self medicating

because of everything that had happened.

- I mean I didn't wanna drink,

so that's when I found Jesus.

- [ASSISTANT] And has your life gotten better?

- Absolutely.

- Ow.

- [JACK] Jack fractured his elbow today.

I wanna come home you know.

- Oh, fuck.

Ozzy, I think we should call the fire brigade.

- This fucking bird's going into a seizure.

(bird chirping)

(Ozzy screaming)