Original subtitles

(regal music)

(birds tweeting)

- Darling, I'm leaving these clothes here.

These shoes, your shirt and trousers to put on now.

- [OZZY] I don't like it, okay?

- Well, fine, wear what you want.

(regal music continues)

- You're thinking about life.

By the time you get old enough

to understand what it's all about, you die.

But you know, the old saying goes,

"You can lead a horse to towards water,

but you can't make it drink."

(regal music continues)

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as folks ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(regal music) (fork clinking)

- I'm Ozzy Osborne.

I've been called Ozzy Osborne ever since I can remember.

My real name's John Michael Osborne.

I was born in Aston Birmingham.

I don't know what a typical American family is,

because it's not abnormal to me the way I live,

because I live that way.

(crickets chirping)

- [SHARON] The cat's up there.

- [AIMEE] The stray one.

- [OZZY] So he came in my house?

(glass shattering)

(Aimee and Sharon screaming)

- [AIMEE] Stop it!

- Don't scream, please don't scream!

- [SHARON] You're screaming.

- [OZZY] Is he behind the mirror?

- [JACK] Yeah, it's up top.

Oh, but look, Dad, please don't push the mirror.

'Cause look at it, look at the mirror.

- I know, I'm not.

Just calm fucking down, man.

- [AIMEE] Oh Daddy, please!

- How the fuck am I gonna get it

if you don't come up from behind the mirror?

- No, we've got a tickling stick.

That's an antique!

- [AIMEE] Do be careful.

- Step on that.

- [SHARON] No, no, no, no, it's a horrible idea.

- [JACK] Dad, I don't like this.

(Sharon laughing)

- [AIMEE] Dad, stop that!

(Sharon laughing)

- Smacking him in the head.

- [AIMEE] Don't, it's gonna bite!

It's an attack movement.

- [SHARON] Ozzy, don't hurt it, stop it!

- Shut the fuck up!

Thank you. (toy squeaking)

- Squeeze that at it, squeeze that at it, it'll scare him.

(toy squeaking)

- Why am I squeezing a fucking newspaper?

- Oh, it's gonna fucking get you.

- [AIMEE] It's gonna kill you.

Dad, please, it's ruthless!

- [JACK] Hit it with this.

- [AIMEE] Don't you dare.

- Oh no.

- Oh, come on!

- What's that?

(Sharon screaming)

(Sharon laughing)

- [AIMEE] Just get down.

(mirror rattling)

- [JACK] Whoa.

- Hold the fucking.

(mirror rattling)

- It's on the ground, help me.

- [EMPLOYEE] No, it's not.

- It's not?

Well, where is it?

(mirror rattling)

- Stop screaming! (Sharon screaming)

(Sharon laughing)

My wife, Sharon is the leader.

We all depend on her for everything, you know, even me.

I'm like the monkey on the piano.

I do the jumping, she plays the tunes.

- [SHARON] Taste this.

- No, I don't-

- Go on. - I don't want to taste it.

- Yes, you do.

Taste it.

- Well, is it sour?

- [SHARON] No, taste it.

Gum, it's a new gum.

- You're winding me up.

- [SHARON] No, taste it.

- It's a fucking stamp.

(Sharon chuckling)

There's nothing there.

- [SHARON] Do you like it?

- Fucking crap, it disappears.

- [SHARON] It's just meant to freshen your mouth.

- It's not gum then, you lied to me!

- [SHARON] Well, I wanted you to try it.

- That's fucking horrible.

- [SHARON] I don't like it.

- Thanks a lot, you cunt.

I live in Beverly Hills.

(dishes clanging)

I live in Beverly Hills,

and that itself is from where I come from here.

It's incredible.

My mother and father did the best they could.

We never went without food.

(Ozzy chewing)

My philosophy of being a parent is to be rigorously honest.

If the kids, when they say,

"Where do babies come from, Dad?"

And I'll go, "It come from a box at the bottom of the garden

and a stork brought you or something."

(electronic beeping)

(Sharon smooching)

- What channel's the fucking History Channel on?

Stop it!

Or I'll kick you all out.

- Well, it's a marriage.

It's natural.

We're in love by kisses and people and things.

When I was a kid, there was a lot of secrets in my family.

What happened to Uncle Bill?

Oh, who?

We never had an Uncle Bill.

You know, that guy that used to come over.

And people would just disappear.

To my kids, I'm very, very open.

I don't screw around.

If there's something that's gotta be said, it's said.

Prison training coming back.

- [KELLY] For what?

- [OZZY] Peeling potatoes.

- Did you have to really do that when you were in jail?

- Yes, I was made to.

- [MELINDA] Who went to jail?

- Dad.

- [MELINDA] What for?

- Stealing.

- [MELINDA] How old were you, Ozzy?

- 32.

- Okay.

- And you went to jail trying to kill Mom.

- No, and I didn't go to jail trying to kill your mom.

I was arrested and held in remand

for trying to kill your mom.

- [MELINDA] I don't believe you.

- My lifestyle hasn't hindered my ability to be a father,

because I wasn't like the delivery boy

that wrote a song in the back kitchen.

In other words, what I'm saying

is my kids traveled the world with me as babies, you know?

- [JACK] I'll go on a cruise.

- You are cordially invited to join us.

- I'm not going on a boat.

- Why not, Kelly?

- [JACK] Oh, I'm going.

- You can't shit on boats, can you?

- Of course you can shit on boats.

- Shit on boats?

- Yeah, like airplanes and tour buses.

You can't shit on them. - You can shit on an airplane.

Kelly, so you're saying people supposed to go two weeks

on a ocean liner without taking a shit?

(Melinda laughing)

Hey Joe, you wanna go on a cruise with me?

- No.

- As long as you don't take a shit, you can go.

- When I used to go with music, I was often running.

At the time, I always wanted my parents to be proud of me,

'cause I never did anything worth a shit at school,

because I'm incredibly dyslexic,

and um,

um,

um,

my concentration span is very short.

What's that called, that?

Whatever.

What?

What's going on here?

Who, what, who's this?

What?

Osbourne, Osbourne.

Who, what was that?

What, who, when?

I have major attention deficit disorder.

(smooth upbeat music)

(regal music)

Jack's a very good boy.

(gun cocking)

Sometimes.

Compared to me, he's an angel.

At Jack's age, I was drinking massive amounts of booze,

smoking pot, doing speed,

and I bit several creatures heads off.

But you know, when you're kids, when you're younger,

you go, "Man, what was wrong with me, man?"

- 15-year-old boys

should not be walking around with fucking rifles and knives.

- Have you ever been a 15-year-old boy?

- Shut up.

- I was the one behind the gun, all right?

- Yes, I was the one that fucking got shot, all right?

- Now why do you still hold this grudge from six years ago?

- Because you shot me.

- And you still get angry when we talk about it, Kelly.

- Because you fucking shot me.

- Yeah, what's your point?

- You're an idiot.

- It was a pellet, Kelly.

It was about half the size of my fingernail.

- [KELLY] Regardless, when you-

- It would be no different than a rock

getting thrown at you, Kelly.

Just a very fast rock.

- It went through my fucking leg.

- [JACK] You've done some fucked up shit to me.

- I haven't shot you.

- You laughed when I got smacked in the face

with a baseball bat

- Because it was funny.

- All kids fight.

And I suppose when they get older,

I'm sure they'll stop fighting each other.

But they're so close, it's not even funny.

- [KELLY] Jack, do you need some help?

- Need some help with what?

- Removing the cock from your mouth.

- Kelly!

That was so unnecessary.

- [KELLY] No, it was not!

- Good one, Kell, real good.

- I'm staying out of it.

(dish clanging)

And um,

what I'm really proud of,

is that I've been able to give my kids a great education.

- [MELINDA] Jack's home today so he can look after her.

- Well, didn't he go to school today?

- [MELINDA] No, I couldn't get him up, Ozzy.

He didn't get to bed till a quarter to two, so.

(rock music)

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh ♪

(rock music continues)

♪ All right, all right, all right ♪

- [OZZY] Jack.

Up now, go to school right now.

- [JACK] Okay.

- Go to school!

- [JACK] You don't do that to Kelly.

♪ I woke up this morning ♪

♪ And well I felt like I might die ♪

♪ But I woke up this morning ♪

♪ Found myself alive ♪

- Wow.

(dish clanging)

(fork clanging)

My wife, she don't like cooking.

She's like me.

She doesn't like the smell of cooking in the house.

- I'm hungry, make me dinner.

Be a mother.

- Be a mother, you cow.

- Make me food.

You haven't made us dinner in so long.

Why don't you?

Please, come on, Mom.

Make me food.

- I hate the smell of cooking, Kelly.

- [KELLY] If you make pasta, it doesn't smell.

- What do you want me to do for you, Kelly girl?

- I'll make it, it's all right.

Mom doesn't know how to cook.

- Kell, how about, mm.

- How about you make me a nice sandwich, Mum?

- Bacon? - No, turkey.

- I can do that.

Would you like, um?

- [OZZY] What kind of sandwich would you like?

- [KELLY] I'll make it myself.

- No, I'll do it for you, Kelly.

Let me help you, please.

- Mom, you're drunk.

You are drunk, I know it when you're drunk.

Ozzy, would you please inform your daughter?

- She's drunk.

- [SHARON] Oh, Ozzy.

- What really first attracted me to my wife was her laugh.

She's got such a great laugh.

(Sharon laughing) (upbeat music)

(Sharon laughing)

- I'm gonna piss myself.

(Sharon laughing)

But I need more up here.

- Why?

If you get a boob job, I'll never talk to you again.

- I want those things that start up here.

There's nothing here.

- Mum, you don't need that.

I don't have that.

- Melinda does.

- Well, because Melinda

has the fucking hugest jugs in the whole entire world.

- Melinda!

- [MELINDA] Yes?

- Come here.

- Unzip your shirt please, Melinda.

- Pardon?

- Can you unzip your shirt a minute

to see your T-shirt underneath?

- Fuck you. - Come on.

- No way.

That's not nice to say to your boss, "Fuck you."

I apologize. - That's fine.

- Why do I have to unzip my shirt?

- Because I wanna see your T-shirt.

- I've got nothing on. - Yes, you do, look.

They don't start there, Mum.

- They do. - No, they don't!

- You've got jugs that start up here.

- Who, me or Kelly?

- No, you.

- Tits don't start here, Mum.

They start here.

- Why are you talking about them?

- 'Cause she wants her tits to do that.

- Kelly definitely doesn't take after Sharon,

and she definitely doesn't take after me.

She's just Kelly.

- That's your stomach. - Mm-hmm.

- And you just farted.

- I didn't, it was my,

it was my, what's here?

- Your vagina.

- Oh, God.

- For gods sakes, she said that word again!

You should have been called fucking Vagina Osbourne.

Kelly, that has to be,

right.

(Kelly laughing)

- Oh my God, no!

- [JACK] You're fucking disgusting.

- [KELLY] She stuck her finger in her vagina,

and she's gonna wipe it on me!

- Didn't Mariah Carey just do that in "Cribs?"

- [KELLY] No.

- Oh.

(smooth upbeat music)

(dramatic music) (crickets chirping)

- People honestly think that I live in a Bavarian castle,

hanging upside down off a rafter with the rest of the bats.

I do everyday chores myself,

because I come from a working class background.

(machine whirring) (light upbeat music)

(bag rustling)

(wood thudding)

(light upbeat music continues)

(trashcan rattling)

- Please don't do it.

I beg you, I beg you, I cannot stand the smell of that.

It's disgusting.

(water trickling)

(door creaking)

(light upbeat music)

(machine beeping)

(machine whirring)

(light upbeat music continues)

- It's fuck all out with me, Sharon.

(bag rustling)

- Okay.

Between two to five minutes.

I'd put it on three and a half.

(light upbeat music continues)

- Three to five minutes which means four.

(machine beeping)

(machine whirring)

(light upbeat music continues)

(light upbeat music continues)

(machine whirring)

It's fucking space age crap.

What the hell's that?

- [EMPLOYEE] It is a blueberry terrine.

- Sometimes, I'll be talking, and they'll just walk past me,

and I feel invisible, you know?

It was so funny, Sharon, when Martin.

I'm talking to my fucking self.

What do you think, Ozzy?

Oh, it's great, isn't it, you're really nice.

Nobody fucking listens to me.

They all think I'm a fucking lunatic.

People hear my talking voice and go,

"What's he saying?

I can't understand what he's saying."

It's just I come from a little place in England

called Birmingham, and it's a Birmingham accent.

And when I get excited,

I tend to stammer a little bit, you know?

(Ozzy stammering)

Um, if you, if, if, if, if, if.

(light upbeat music)

(Ozzy stammering)

I was, I was, I was.

(Ozzy stammering)

I just, I just, I just wracked my brain awhile.

I mean.

(Ozzy stammering)

One bus could be like a global thing,

from like Australia to fucking South Africa to fucking.

(Ozzy stammering)

- Sorry? (camera shutter clicking)

- If I could be somebody for one day,

I'd like to be Paul McCartney or John Lennon,

because they lit the spark, lit the torch in my head.

When I heard The Beatles,

I thought, "I want to be a Beatle."

So I became Ozzy Osbourne, nothing like The Beatles.

(light upbeat music)

(bus whirring)

♪ I'd like to see the bad guys win sometime ♪

♪ I'd like to see the bad guys win ♪

♪ They act so mean and they try so hard ♪

♪ To get into the trouble they're always in ♪

(audience cheering)

♪ I'd like to see the bad guys have some fun ♪

♪ They're always getting pushed around ♪

♪ Wouldn't it be thrilling to see ♪

- For the man who almost single-handedly revolutionized

the world of rock music.

The Prince of freaking Darkness,

as the mayor of Hollywood,

I hereby declare this Ozzy Osbourne Day.

(audience cheering)

Ozzy Osbourne, there is is, sir!

(audience applauding)

I'm not proud of having a poor education,

I'm not proud of being dyslexic,

and having attention deficit disorder.

Can you get me some Equal?

I'm not proud of being a drug addict alcoholic.

I'm not proud about biting the head off a bat.

I'm not proud of a lot of things,

but I'm a real guy, you know, with real feelings,

and I suppose that that kind of scares me

sometimes you know, to be Ozzy Osbourne.

It could be worse.

I could be Sting.

(spoon clanking)

(upbeat music)

♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Practicality, he doesn't interest me ♪

♪ Love the life that I lead ♪

- Turn the thing off, it's driving me mad!

♪ I've got a pocket full of miracles ♪

- Did anybody feed the dogs?

- No!

- Maybe we have too many dogs?

♪ One little miracle a day is all I need ♪

- [OZZY] Who pissed on my carpet?

♪ The other me, I guess ♪

♪ When the sun doesn't shine ♪

- Please don't go and get drunk or get stung tonight.

If you have sex, wear a condom.

♪ Pocket full of miracles ♪

- My keys, my car, my vagina, my business.

♪ Pocket full of miracles ♪

♪ There was a bright and shiny apple that's mine, all mine ♪

- I fucking hate Christmas.

♪ I hear sleigh bells ringing smack in the middle of Maine ♪

- The smell of success.

♪ I go around ♪

- I shouldn't be drinking alcohol period.

♪ I feel so good, it's Christmas everyday ♪

- Oh, fuck off.

♪ That's the carousel ♪

♪ As I can tell ♪

- Whoa!

♪ I'm riding for free ♪

See you tomorrow.

And he walks around while he scratches his fucking head.

- Ozzy, not wood!

Ozzy! (glass shattering)

♪ I've got a pocket full of miracles ♪

♪ (siren wailing) ♪

- There's the cat.

Fucking cats, she's here, she won't come out.

(cat yowling)

Sharon!

Bubbles!

Oh come on, Sharon, I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne,

the prince of fucking darkness.

What's fucking evil about a butt load of fucking bubbles?

You're breaking Mum's heart.

- [KELLY] Yeah, but you're not gonna say anything.

- I have to.

- Dad, you can't, please!

(Ozzy hissing)

♪ I go around like there's snow around ♪

- I love you all, I love you more than life itself.

You're all fucking mad.

(Kelly yelling)

Kelly, what the fuck do you want me to do, Kelly?

(cork popping) (glass shattering)

- Ow, fuck!

- [SHARON] That was good.

- Me and Jack have been brought up

very differently from everyone else.

- This fucking thing sucks, I hate it.

♪ But if I had to pick a miracle ♪

♪ My favorite miracle of all is you and me ♪

- Now fuck off.

♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪

(Ozzy thudding)

- That's the way we are.

We're the Osbournes, and I love it.

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

(smooth upbeat music)

♪ Millions of people living as folks ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(person laughing)

(light upbeat music)

- [OZZY] Stop screaming!