Original subtitles

(city bustling) (car horns honking)

- One of our 11 truck drivers

got into an accident yesterday.

We found out today.

- He was stoned.

- No.

- Drunk.

- [SHARON] Getting a blowjob from a hooker

while he was driving the car.

- Oh, that'll do it.

- [SHARON] And he was naked.

- [JACK] Yeah.

- Oh, that'll fucking do it, great.

- So the ambuLance came and he's totally fucking naked

in the middle of winter in Connecticut.

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe, it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat Christmas music)

- [OZZY] Fucking hate Christmas, man.

I fucking hate it with a passion.

- We're at the show in New York.

- [OZZY] What the fuck is that?

- They're ribs. Yeah.

- Give me the baby back, baby back, baby back.

(both Laughing)

- Does everybody know our security guy, Mike?

- This a blood clot.

- It's a blood clot?

- Yeah.

- He's just been arrested for robbing the house

at the back of us.

(Mike Laughing) (Sharon Laughing)

I think it's funny.

- Tell us.

- All right, goodbye.

- All right, what happened?

- They were running the waterfall today in our pool,

'cause it's now working and everybody's like,

"What's he doing here?"

'Cause he doesn't come until six in the evening.

He comes when it gets dark so he's there at six,

and he's there with his son.

And they appeared at the back of the guest house.

He leaves, two minutes later the police are there saying,

"Well we've just arrested him.

He's in the back of the car."

- Hey, fire if my watch is gone.

- [SHARON] What?

- My watch.

- [SHARON] What fucking watch? You've just got-

- No love, my Van Cleef.

- [SHARON] Where did you leave it?

- By the side of the bed.

- [SHARON] Oh, for fuck's sake.

- [SPEAKER 1] Oh, that would suck.

- Its gone.

Get all my jewelry, Sharon. Get that motherfucker.

My jewelry.

- [SHARON] I know! I'll get on the phone right now.

- Get on the phone. Check my watch and my jewelry.

If he's in there, I'm going out and I'll whack the cunt.

And I've got my golden belt with me, haven't I?

Check everything. Check everything.

- See, I honestly, maybe I'm naive,

and it might sound crazy, but I think he really liked us

and I don't think he wanted to steal off us.

You are not going to believe what I'm going to tell you.

- No. He had a gold belt on him when he got nicked?

- No, but when he was arrested

he had one of your T-shirts on.

(Sharon Laughing)

- [JACK] What? An Ozzy T-shirt, or one of Dad's?

- No, one of Ozzy's T-shirts.

- [JACK] Like an Ozzy, saying "Ozzy"?

- Yeah.

- [JACK] Oh.

(crowd cheering and chanting) - Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy!

(cheering continues)

- You better fucking (indistinct).

(cheering continues)

I'm leaving for another tour, mama.

- [JACK] How many is this? 150 fucking million?

- I know, but I'm still fucking broke.

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] Yeah, I do. I like Christmas. I do.

I love buying presents,

and it's another reason for me to go shopping,

so I love that.

- [OZZY] What the fuck's this, Sharon?

What are these for?

- She won the lottery.

- Sharon, I'm asking you a question, darling.

- Okay. All right, darling.

One of these is...

- A bLack bag.

- A bLack bag for Smithy.

- Really? Yes. And has he got a twin brother?

- He's got a twin brother.

- And you've got triplets?

- And they've had triplets.

And I have no fucking idea what's in the other one.

- But Sharon, come on...

- Ozzy.

- This looks very dangerous to me.

It looks like I'm on tour for the next nine years.

- Look, I can't fucking eat it and I can't fucking wear it,

so I don't want it.

- But what is it, Sharon?

I want to know what...

It's got like that Gucci vibe there,

which means my balls are touching the back of my shoulders.

When I was a kid, I'd get one gift.

I'd get a smelly old sock

with a few nuts in, a couple of pennies,

an apple and orange, and that was it.

♪ Ow, I feel good ♪

- Hi.

♪ I feel good ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Ow! I feel good. ♪

Stop it, Ozzy.

♪ Ow! I feel good ♪

♪ Ow! I feel good ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

You know, I think I'm going to put

this pLastic bag on my head, go on.

(toy screaming repeatedly)

Your dad's pissed off. What's up with him?

- Well, he wants to know about how we're going to get

all these bags in the pLane.

We're never going to fit anything.

- Yeah, we are. - [JACK] Okay.

We going to tie it to the wings with duct tape?

You got to think about these things.

- Oh, I didn't mean to do that, sorry.

- Ow!

(Jack Laughing)

- Sorry, Jack. I'm sorry.

♪ Ow! I feel good ♪

♪ I knew that I would now ♪

♪ I feel good ♪

- Come on, James.

That's the coolest thing I've ever seen.

♪ So nice ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

- I love Christmas. I love the whole buildup.

We can all eat together, give each other our gifts,

and then the kids can go out and do what they want to do,

and Ozzy and I can stay in with the dogs and the cats,

and just have a nice quiet evening.

- Well, you can keep on fucking wishing, hun,

because it ain't going to be-

- [SHARON] I know.

Everybody's going to fight, call each other bastards.

And everybody will go to bed early.

♪ Thousands of bags ♪

♪ Some are big, some are brown ♪

♪ We manage to get one from every shop in town ♪

♪ We had a bLast everywhere that we roam ♪

♪ But after all the fun, it's time that we go home ♪

- We're going home to see Minnie, and we're excited.

♪ I can't believe that we must say goodbye ♪

♪ With all this junk onboard, I hope the pLane will fly ♪

(upbeat music)

- Oh my goodness, me. Oh my goodness, me!

- Where's Minnie?

- Ah, Minnie! Oh, oh!

- Lu-Lu is my lover, lover like no other.

Lu-Lu is my girlfriend, love her till the end.

(upbeat whistling)

(Ozzy mumbling)

Good girl.

(Ozzy coughing)

Merry Christmas, baby.

Another fucking year of it.

- I love you guys.

(indistinct)

- Now fuck off.

- Oh, Lu-Lu! It's Christmas.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-La-La-La-La La La La La ♪

♪ Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa-La-La-La-La La La La La ♪

♪ Don me now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa-La-La La La La La La La ♪

♪ Troll the ancient yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa-La-La-La-La La La La La ♪

- Merry Christmas.

- Lou, this is so gorgeous. Thank you. It's so thoughtful.

Lou-Lou is Ozzy's eldest son from his first marriage.

He's a big part of our family.

- [JACK] Breast-shaped pasta.

(Sharon Laughing)

- Oh, that's just the fucking nicest thing.

That's a picture of my mom when she was 16 years of age.

- Do they wear hats here on Christmas?

- No, we do those stupid little things

that you get from the bon-bons.

- [SHARON] Hi, darling.

Oh great. That is so handsome, that outfit. It's gorgeous.

Oh, you look so great, Ozzy.

- Can I do anything for anybody?

- No. No, all done.

- Want me to run any garbage?

(bLade grinding)

(Ozzy mumble singing)

- Come in!

- [SPEAKER 2] Right. So, I'll see you guys in there.

- It'll be two seconds, just really-

- [SPEAKER 2] Great.

- Some fucking Christmas. That's all I have to say.

- Shut up.

- [OZZY] If Sharon gets some, you're fucking detained.

International rockstar, fucking gravy-maker extraordinaire.

- Can you pass the mashed potatoes, please?

- What?

- Let's wait till everyone sits down please.

- Yes, Kelly.

- [KELLY] I fucking hate Christmas.

It's just... Let's sit at a table with your family

and see how long you could sit there without arguing

about the stupidest shit.

I don't think we've ever used this before.

- Yeah, we have. We used it at Thanksgiving.

- No we didn't.

- Yeah we did.

- No we didn't.

- Yeah we did. - [KELLY] No we didn't.

- Yeah we did.

Yeah there were. There's mashed potatoes in that still.

- Mashed potatoes was in this huge gravy pot?

- [SPEAKER 2] Here you go, Oz.

And get your lovely girl over there to give you some gravy.

- Right, pass the gravy.

(all chattering)

- [SPEAKER 2] Merry Christmas everybody!

- [SHARON] Merry Christmas everybody.

- [OZZY] It's all right.

- [SHARON] It's great.

- I'll start cooking again.

- [JACK] Do you want some carrots?

- I tell you what, we did great with the turkey, guys.

(all clapping) - Christine and Melinda.

- We did a great job there with that gravy.

I'll say this myself.

- [SHARON] Flip it over.

- [LOUIS] You got the steak, mates.

- [OZZY] I'll tell you what, though.

We did good with this gravy, man.

- [JACK] Yeah. Dad, what is it in the gravy?

You've got some fascination-

- There's cat shit.

- [SPEAKER 2] The mashed is really good, Steven.

- [KELLY] Isn't it?

- That was made the traditional way

because he basted all the giblets in there.

- [SHARON] I know.

- All the tongue, and all the-

- [SHARON] Oh, all right enough.

- [JACK] Dad.

- [OZZY] We did a great job there with that gravy.

- We're going to hear about this fucking gravy

for the next year. Go on.

- By who?

- [JACK] Who do you think?

(champagne cork popping) (gLass shattering)

- [SHARON] Oh, fuck.

That was good.

That hit the ceiling, and the vase, and the floor.

That was really well done.

- [KELLY] Takes like fizzy piss but I'll have some.

- (indistinct) about fizzy piss.

- I'd like a gLass of fizzy piss, love one.

- I'd fucking love a gLass of fizzy piss.

- [SPEAKER 3] I, too would love some fizzy piss.

- Is it really rock-

Ow! Fuck, Lou.

- It's now 25 past five and we certainly got the rumbling

of a family feud.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Mother's going to have another fucking drink

and start singing, again.

I just got it within me to get those bells

and start using it like a tambourine.

- [KELLY] No Mom. - And start singing.

- [KELLY] I'll leave if you do that.

- [LOUIS] Hare Krishna.

- Can we put some music on?

- Chestnuts roasting on an open fire!

I feel like we should all sing one of those lovely

Christine Aguliara songs.

- Don't you fucking start singing.

The fucking birds will die.

- Kelly, what was that record like?

- [KELLY] I would seriously kill myself.

- I wanted to scratch myself.

I wanted to abuse myself.

- [KELLY] No.

- Christine Aguliara singing Christmas songs.

- No it was like...

(Kelly mocking Christina Aguliara)

(all laughing)

And then they'll be a pause, and then...

(Kelly mocking Christina Aguliara)

And I'm not kidding you.

I want you to fucking stab myself.

Jack, seriously?

Take that huge stick out of your ass,

maybe it'll help everyone.

- [OZZY] Stop.

- [JACK] It always has to result with something in an ass.

Have you noticed that with Kelly?

- It's better than saying, "Jack, go fuck yourself,"

isn't it?

- [SHARON] No. I think, "Jack, go fuck yourself"

is better than, "Take that dick out of your ass."

- Stick, Mum. Not Dick.

- Kelly, you said dick, you fucking-

- [KELLY] I said stick.

- "I said stick."

- Stick. - Dick.

- Stick. - Dick.

- Stick. - Dick.

- Five to five, fucking hell, man. It's a record.

- [JACK] Who here heard dick?

- The family feud is on.

- I'm going upstairs to my room.

- [SHARON] Oh, shut up.

Such a bloody pain in the ass.

- [JACK] Party queen.

- Shut up, you're such a drama queen.

- [JACK] Kelly, the Academy Awards aren't for another

couple of months.

- [KELLY] I'm going to a movie.

- [SHARON] You're fucking not.

- [KELLY] Why not?

- Because it's fucking Christmas and you're staying in.

- [KELLY] Uh, no.

- [SHARON] Don't you just love Kelly

and how dramatic she is?

- Oh, she's a pain in the ass.

- [LOUIS] She likes a good old waffle, doesn't she?

- [KELLY] Maybe if you talk about people,

you should make sure they're not in the room!

- [LOUIS] You're not in the room. You just took the stairs.

- Kelly, as if I don't think you're not listening,

you silly little thing.

- Actually I wasn't, but when you hear your name mentioned,

you can't help but listen, twat.

- I thought you were going upstairs.

- Mrs. Twat. - [KELLY] I did!

- Don't squeeze me too hard, I'm going to puke.

- Oh, these are my cousins, Nikki, Danielle, and my sister.

- Hi, how are you? - Hi.

- She got busted with smoking the ganja.

- Oh, who caught you?

- A friend's parent.

- Mom's one of those people,

"If you ever do something like that, please tell me, Kelly.

Just tell me. I mean, I just want to know."

So, like she finds out,

and I didn't really think she was going to go nuts.

She went fucking crazy.

She called all my friends,

and blamed it on somebody else when it wasn't him.

- Who?

- I was like, "If you wanted to know who I did it with-"

- What boy?

- Called my poor friend-

- No, I just got the school directory

and started calling the mothers saying, "Your-"

- [KELLY] Kid gave my daughter pot.

- Just thinking that one of them is going to say,

"Oh, yes he did."

'Cause I didn't know who the hell it was.

- [KELLY] All she had to fucking do was say,

"Kelly, who did you do it with?"

I would've told her.

- [OZZY] Did you catch the person?

- Oh yeah.

- [OZZY] What happened to him?

- I told him I was going to cut his dick off

and shove it down his throat.

- [JESSICA] Ozzy, I have a question.

- Go on.

- I don't like the, well, it's kind of a comment.

I don't like the redness.

I think we should go back to black.

Ow!

- Jessica, that's so fucking rude.

- What redness? In the hair?

- Yeah.

- Why?

- Jessica, Jessica. How about you do me a favor-

- [OZZY] Jessica, you know, can I say something?

- Yeah.

- [OZZY] Mind your fucking own business.

- [JESSICA] But I'm being honest.

- [KELLY] Jessica, it's so rude.

- [JESSICA] Ow! You, first of all, are hurting me.

- Yeah, second of all-

- Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- It's rude. - I'm sorry.

- Don't talk like that.

- It's up. Its up. It's now fucking quarter to-

- [SHARON] Christmas fights.

The Christmas fight is finally here.

- [JESSICA] It's on. I'm Jewish.

- I'm getting the fuck out of here.

- [SHARON] That's it.

- I love you.

- I think you're a fucking screw head.

(Jessica laughing) - I'll be back.

- [KELLY] I think it's really rude.

- [JESSICA] What's rude, Kelly?

- You don't go to someone's father,

"I don't like the redness in your hair."

It's fucking rude.

I would never go to her father,

"Oh, I don't like the baldness.

Maybe she get a fucking toupee."

(Sharon Laughing) I would never.

(rock Christmas music)

- Hi girls. - Hi girls.

How are you?

- Good, how are you?

- Hi, sweetheart.

- [JACK] Look what Jody gave me for Christmas.

- Well, it's very nice looking,

but you can't go out with that.

- Oh, shut up.

- [SHARON] Shut up. Don't tell me to shut up.

- [JACK] It's not illegal.

- [SHARON] I will beat you.

- It's not illegal. Look, how small-

Pocket knife bLades are bigger than that.

Look at it. It's an inch blade.

- You can't go out with that, Jack. I'm sorry.

- Okay. Mm-hm.

- When they call from the police station,

I should say, "Just lock the fucker up."

- Okay. So you can't go out with your car

because that's a deadly weapon when you're behind the wheel.

- Excuse me. Excuse me. Is this a deadly weapon?

- No.

- You can get locked up for that.

You cannot go out with it.

- With what?

- [JACK] That. It's not illegal.

- [SHARON] You're not going out with it.

- It's a one-inch bLade.

- You can't go out. Yeah, I'm taking it off you.

- No, Dad.

I'm not going out out with it.

- [SHARON] You'll get arrested.

- Did I say I was going out with it? No. You assumed it.

- Yeah, because I know you.

- Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm walking around.

- You're not having the knife so you're going to-

- That's really fucked up.

- Yeah. It's all right, you know.

I don't care what you like.

- [SHARON] Hey, Jack! Jack!

- [OZZY] Can someone open the fucking door?

- [SHARON] Open the door!

(suspenseful music)

- Ugh!

- Did you like Pacific Hills?

- What happened, eh?

- No, Jody gave me like this little knife for Christmas

and they fucking take it away.

- You got the fucking thing.

If you get busted, I'll fucking bust your ass, man.

- Okay.

- Don't fuck with knives, man.

Don't go out with a fucking T-shirt,

with cocaine on your fucking T-shirt, and a fuck-

Give me the fucking knife.

(dogs barking)

- He's got an army haircut. He's got cocaine on his chest

and a fucking knife in his pocket.

Police will look at him and arrest him.

(suspenseful music)

- I don't give a fuck if he hates me.

That's giving him a bLack eye or at least a fucking

throw him in the can for a night.

I've just won.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Hey, how you doing Ms. Kelly?

- So, they arrested you and charged you?

- [MIKE] And then sent me to the county jail.

I never been in that man house. I don't even know him.

He pointed me out and everything, but he made a mistake

and then they tried to be nice to me.

So, I just found me a civil lawyer, take him to civil court

because he could have killed me and my son

right there on that corner.

They could have killed us.

They had guns on us. (Kelly gasping)

I know everybody around here.

I wouldn't never do nothing like that.

- [SHARON] We'll call you Wednesday

and we'll work something out, okay? Alright.

- Thank you Ms. Kelly. Thank you Mrs. Osbourne.

Merry Christmas. I miss y'all, but I sent y'all that card.

- [SHARON] I know. We got it.

- All right, peace out, man.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on the Osbourne's,

a very special season ending episode.

- The thing is about life

is by the time you get old enough to understand

what it's all about, you die.

Can you get me some equal?

I don't know what a typical American family is

because it's not abnormal to me the way I live.

- I don't understand what it's going to

take to make you stop pLaying with guns and fucking knives.

- It's a pellet, Kelly.

- It went through my fucking leg.

- I don't know how I've lasted. I really don't.

(people screaming)

- Squeeze that at it. Squeeze that at it. It'll scare him.

(toy squeaking)

- We're the Osbourne's.

(people screaming)

I love it.

Stop screaming! (people screaming)

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(voice Laughing) (bright music)

- [OZZY] Lu-Lu is my girlfriend.