Original subtitles

(theatrical music)

(quirky music) (plastic crinkling)

(monitor beeping)

- Jack!

You've gotta be a fucking rocket scientist

just to have a fucking DVD.

(alarms beeping)

Jack!

What the fuck am I doing now?

Oh, fuck.

(theatrical music)

♪ Crazy, hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

(grinder whirring)

(mellow music)

- I met Jason Dill a while ago at On The Rocks.

He's a professional skater,

so he makes his own shirts and stuff,

like he's some golden god in Japan, it's kind of funny.

(Jason burping)

(zipper whirs)

- Thanks, you're the best.

Man, I'm so hungover.

- Jason Dill just broke up with his girlfriend

and he was staying at her apartment,

down about 10 minutes away.

Took him to a hotel for a little bit, moved out,

went to this house where Mike was staying at, got kicked out

and now staying here with me.

(upbeat music) (butter sizzling)

- I don't know where he come from,

I don't know how he met him,

I don't know what the deal is.

I don't know, I mean, he may be working for me,

how the fuck do I know the things going on around here?

Am I in your seat?

- What?

- [OZZY] Am I in your seat?

- No, go ahead, don't worry about it.

- I'm gonna give it a few days,

and I'm gonna ask a few questions in a few days.

Is this a permanent fucking situation,

and if so I want fucking rent.

That's the wrong fucking pen.

(mellow ska music)

You haven't got the dog around here?

- No.

- Jack, I gotta talk to you right now.

Listen, Jack, this hound's just cost me a shit load.

She demolishes my bed, she chews my furniture.

It's not on, babe.

I love Lola, don't get me wrong, I really love Lola.

Jack loves Lola.

But Jack also loves to go to night fucking clubs.

What I don't like doing is...

I don't mind a little Pomeranian turd,

but when that fucking bulldog unloads,

you've gotta get an earthmover

and a fucking gas mask to go in the kitchen,

it's like fucking plutonium turds.

- Who told you that?

How long ago?

Let me call you back in five minutes.

Bye.

- [KELLY] Did somebody give Lola away to him?

- Yeah.

- Can I just say one thing, Jack, before you call Mom?

You didn't give a fuck about the dog.

- [JACK] Kelly, you don't give a fuck about your dog,

your cat, or your other fucking dog.

Close your mouth. - Yeah, I do.

- You don't, Kelly.

Mom.

- Thanks.

- You know, I'd really, really appreciate it

if you just start telling me when you're giving my dog away.

You know, this is really getting outrageous.

Two times now you've done this, Mom,

and I've really had e-fucking-nough of this.

- [KELLY] Get over it.

- How would you like it

if I were to give Minnie away without telling?

'Cause I know a lot of people might like those dogs.

It's not on, I don't give a shit.

I want my dog back. - Don't talk to her like that.

- They gave my dog away.

- Kelly and Jack have gone out with their friends.

- Oh, Jack has called me and already had a go at me

about the dog.

- [MELINDA] No, I told him.

- [OZZY] Another thing is, Sharon,

what's this new kid living in my house?

- What kit?

- The kid.

- Drink much?

- Yeah, I drank.

- [JACK] You drunk?

- Nah, not yet.

- [KELLY] Hi.

You having fun?

I mean, is it worth me coming over?

- Kelly!

- How do I get there?

I take Sunset to-

- Kelly.

- [KELLY] I'll be back in half an hour, Jack.

- [JASON] Don't go over there.

- I have to.

- Don't go over there.

- I have to.

- Come on.

Kelly, come here.

Kelly, come here.

- No, seriously. - No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Why are you going over there?

- Because she can't drive.

- Why, is she drunk?

- No.

- Is she high?

- No!

- Has she had sex?

- Ew, Jack.

Oh my god, you can have that back.

- Oh, don't rub that all over me!

You're gonna rub that all in my fucking pants!

- [KELLY] It's already all over your pants.

- [JACK] You don't have to like rub it deep in.

Ew.

- You have serious fucking anger issues.

You know the difference between are your pants

are already fucking dirty and they need to be washed anyway.

This was a clean jacket, you didn't need to fucking do that.

- These, Kelly, I've had them on

not even 12 hours, all right?

- [KELLY] Well, they're dirty, Jack,

because they're on you, I think you forget that.

- [JASON] I'm the voice of reason.

- Ow, you caught my fucking collarbone.

Ow, Dill!

- [JASON] I'll get you.

(Kelly exclaims)

- [SHARON] What the fuck is the time?

- [JACK] 1:15.

- [SHARON] Well, put a sock in your mouths, okay?

- Sorry, Mom.

- Sorry, Mom.

(dog barking)

- Dad's awake.

(tense music)

(Ozzy speaking indistinctly)

- I'm fine, these kids driving me mad were talking loud

and woke me up and Aimee's home.

- That also has to fucking stop.

- Do you know what I don't get about Mom and Dad though,

is that they said when we move into the new house

you can have as many friends as you want over,

it's all right, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

- They were just saying that shit.

- When we move in the house,

like, no friends, be quiet!

- [JACK] Dill's allowed over, Dill's my roomie.

- Your mom respects my opinion though.

(jazzy music)

- Look, the situation is I am not going to clean up

fucking warm turd.

- The reason that fucking dog chews everything,

'cause he doesn't have any attention.

- But he chooses to shit.

He's shitting on those rugs that cost a fortune,

and I just can't have it.

- You can't have a pet for five minutes,

you've got it for life, you know?

- Do you know why he does,

'cause there's a mirror and he can watch himself shit.

- [OZZY] Fuck off!

- I'm going to smoke a cigarette.

- [SHARON] Oh, I see, this is very nice.

- [KELLY] Mom.

- [SHARON] What?

- Just leave it.

- No, I'm gonna take a piss in it and put it back.

- Mom, are you nuts?

She's pissing in the bottle.

Don't you dare, Mom.

- [SHARON] If you tell him, I'll kill you.

- Mom!

(dogs barking)

Don't do that, no, please!

Fucking stop now!

Just stop it!

- [SHARON] Then he should hide it in his room.

- [KELLY] Well, you can't fucking piss in it, stop!

Just throw it out.

No!

- [SHARON] Kelly!

- [KELLY] That's disgusting!

(toilet flushing)

(bottle rattles)

- All right, Kelly, Miss Drama Queen.

- Mom, I am not a drama queen.

I'm sorry, but that's disturbing and disgusting.

- [JASON] What's disgusting?

- Nothing was disgusting.

- Yes, it is disgusting, Mom.

- It isn't.

You've got mud on your heels, clean them.

- It's just as bad as when you shit in Dad's bag of weed

when we were in Hawaii.

(Jason chuckles)

- [JASON] Hey, did you find a bottle of Jack Daniels?

- Yeah.

- It's mine.

(Jason chuckles)

It's okay, what'd you do,

did you put on something? - Who's this?

- No, I was trying to piss in it.

(upbeat music)

(pot rattling) (quirky music)

- I like to cook here.

There's such nice stuff to cook with.

If I'm not accidentally setting timers on fire.

We can't show Sharon that,

'cause then she'll know

I think the amount of time it stayed on the stove for

and I don't want to scare her to death.

I feel horrible.

I was running around the house 'til five o'clock

in the morning, trying to open all the doors

and put the fans above the stove on

to get the smell out.

(alarm beeping)

- Oh, for fuck's sake.

(theatrical music)

(upbeat music)

How am I gonna get that off there?

- [JACK'S FRIEND] I think you're gonna need

something more of like

an acid based compound thing. - Yeah.

I'll try some bleach. - I'm sorry, Sharon.

- It's okay, Dill.

- Is it coming off?

He was really upset about it.

- [SHARON] Aw, he doesn't have to be upset about it.

Where is he?

- I think he's gone outside.

(crickets chirping)

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Do you have a metal spatula?

- Yeah.

- This might be farfetched,

but what if we heated the metal spatula and scraped?

(metal scraping) (dog barking)

- Is it working?

- [SHARON] Nothing.

- [JASON] I could've set the whole house on fire,

that would've been something.

- [JACK] Why are we cleaning this?

Why isn't Dill?

- 'Cause he'll just make it worse.

(bells dinging)

(mellow music) (crickets chirping)

- You haven't got your friend a duvet.

He's lying on the couch

with no duvet. - I asked him,

do you want a blanket?

He's like, "No, I'm okay."

But there's that cashmere blanket on there.

- [SHARON] I didn't notice he was there.

- Oh, you didn't?

- No.

- Just staying for like three or four days.

Whatever, Jason's no problem.

- "Dad, this is Jason, he's a good friend of mine,

"he does this,

"is it all right if he stays for a couple of nights?"

And I go, "Sure."

But when he comes in and he scratches his fucking head,

and he walks around my house,

and he goes to Jack's room,

and I go into Jack's room to ask him

to borrow a razor blade,

and there's a fucking couch moving,

and I go, "What the fuck's that?"

And he goes, "It's Jason, man."

Jason, who?

Who the fuck's Jason?

- Ozzy doesn't remember me.

Every time I meet him he says, "Nice to meet you."

That's fine with me.

- Do you know what I mean,

it's kind of like an invasion of privacy, you know?

- [JASON] Do you have a toothbrush holder for me?

- Uh huh.

Will it fit?

If that doesn't fit,

this'll be your cup. - Thanks, Jack

for treating me so nice.

(upbeat music)

- All right, I worked it out with John,

I'm gonna get Lola two weekends out of a month.

- Let me tell you what I'm prepared to do,

'cause I've got to talk to your mom about it.

I will get Lola back,

but as soon as you fuck up,

you don't take the full responsibility of the dog,

the dog has to go.

- [MELINDA] She's in a meeting.

- What meeting?

What kind of meeting?

- A family meeting.

- A family meeting?

Is Jack in there too?

- Yeah.

- [JASON] Oh!

- And another thing while I'm on the topic, Sharon.

- [SHARON] What?

- From now if kids are gonna be staying at the house,

I would like to be asked,

because that fucking kid came back tonight.

- Come here.

Didn't four friends come as I pulled out

to go to work? - Yes, at the front.

- I saw four kids. - No.

- They all drew up. - His friends broke up

and I said no.

♪ There's always room at our house to share a smile or two ♪

♪ There's always room, enough difference for you ♪

- I said, you know, if you're staying with someone,

you don't invite half your fucking mates over.

- But what I ask, Sharon, I don't mind, but it's not

an expensive doss house. - You can not be staying here,

inviting friends over, it's not right.

And giving out this phone number and using this place

as his fucking office.

- There's just fucking blatant lies,

it's the most ridiculous shit about money

and about she said that somehow

me, Jordie, and Mikey went out to dinner,

and we stiffed her with the bill.

That's such bullshit.

- [SHARON] Is he gone?

- [MELINDA] No, his clothes are still up there.

- [OZZY] And he shot someone up the butt with a BB gun

which is also not cute.

- Who'd he shoot? - No.

Jack shot Marcus.

- Yeah, but that's not acceptable behavior for me.

If he turns around and it goes in his fucking eye

we're all fucked.

(theatrical music)

(mellow music)

- Do you wanna know why Fred Durst is moving to England?

'Cause nobody hates him there.

- They soon fucking will.

(Melinda laughs)

- You know you can go on Sunset and see

that big Calvin Klein ad. - That guy's Australian.

He's a surfer.

- He's so white, but he has the biggest package.

- In New York it's like 10 stories high.

I'm sure they did a little airbrushing

around the testicular area. - No, I'm sure it's socks.

It'd have to be socks.

- She said it was socks,

but how cool would that be,

you could stand there and be like,

look, I'm as tall as my balls up there.

- [SHARON] Oh my god.

Oh my god.

- Yeah, Lola, Lola!

- Oh my god.

Oh my god.

One steaming soft shit and she's gone.

♪ When you're on the outside, baby, and you can't get in ♪

♪ I will show you, you're so much better than you know ♪

♪ When you're lost, if you're alone ♪

♪ And you can't get back again ♪

♪ I will find you ♪

♪ Darling, I'll bring you to me ♪

♪ Oh, when you're low, I'll be there by your side ♪

(Lola retching)

(upbeat music)

- [JACK] What are you doing, Kelly?

- [KELLY] Your scalp's really red.

- Yeah, it's from the bleach.

(Kelly scoffs)

My hair is so fucked up, I think I might just-

- So is mine.

You can feel it when it's like got nothing in it.

That's a little bit provocative.

- I'm always really scared when I'm out here at your house.

I feel like your mom's gonna come outside

and catch me smoking or being drunk.

- Okay, what are they supposed to be advertising here?

- They're playing doctor.

- I told you, get those accommodation signs

and put them out the fucking front.

- I'm gonna fucking type up some fucking invoices.

(Sharon chuckles)

- He's got to tell them.

- Hey, Mike, my mom says Dill has to go.

My mom says Dill has to go.

So how should I tell him?

(dramatic music)

I just gotta tell him.

It's gonna be tough though.

(mellow music)

What should I say to Dill about him leaving?

- Just tell him the truth.

- What should I say to him,

oh, Dill, Mom wants you to leave, or?

- [MELINDA] Just put it on me, I don't care.

- What the fuck should I tell him?

- No, you've just got to say that we need family time

without any disturbances. - I'll just be like,

Dad doesn't want anyone in the house anymore.

- We need quiet family time,

and that's all you have to say and that's enough.

- Is there any place you can go for a couple of days?

- [JASON] Yeah, why, what's going on?

- My parents just kind of the house

to kind of start quieting down and stuff.

- [JASON] Yeah, okay.

- You don't mind?

- [JASON] No.

- I mean, just for like five or six days, all right?

- Five or six now?

- [JACK] What?

- Who said it, Sharon said it?

- [JACK] Yeah.

I mean, you can come back.

All right, I mean, it doesn't have to be like immediately.

(cat meows)

Oh, you just stepped on the cat's tail, dude.

- Just gonna give the family a break

for a couple of days, you know?

'Cause they need to be on some sort of schedule

and so do I.

Right now I'm gonna stay at my friend Anthony's house,

another pro skateboarder.

And then if I can, come back here.

(singer singing in foreign language)

I'm a fucking pro skateboarder, Sharon.

Don't talk down to me.

I'm gonna be the envy of boys across the world

when this comes out.

(Jason burps)

I was the middle kid.

I was always middle little kid.

Well, actually, I was the last kid.

(theatrical music)

- [ANNOUNCER] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- I fucking hate Christmas, man.

I fucking hate it!

(upbeat music)

- Does anybody know our security guy Mike?

He's just been arrested.

(security guard laughs)

(cork pops)

(dog barks)

(metal clinking)

- I'm a professional.

We did a great job there with that gravy.

- No, we didn't.

- Yeah, we did.

- No, we did. - Yeah, we did.

- This is the finest gravy.

- No, we didn't. - Yeah, we did.

- No, we didn't. - Yeah, we did.

- [OZZY] We did a great job there with that gravy.

- We're gonna hear about this fucking gravy

for the next year, go on.

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget out to hate ♪

(logo laughing)

(upbeat music)

- [OZZY] What the fuck's that?