Original subtitles

- I hate washing up.

I hate cooking.

I am never doing it again.

Martha Stewart can lick my scrotum.

(cat meowing)

Do I have a scrotum?

(cat meowing)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(mellow music)

- Begin?

One, gimme an effort.

Get a rotation.

Two, three.

Good, take a deep breath.

Exhale here.

Warm it up a little bit, yeah.

Over the side, we stand up slow.

Slow, stop workout.

One, two,

three, four,

five, six,

seven, eight,

nine, three,

one, two,

three, four,

five, six,

seven, eight,

nine, and 50.

Take a deep breath.

We're working, man!

You know, you're busting your ass!

Bring 'em out, bring 'em out.

Bring 'em out, good.

One more time.

Shape it up, shape it up!

Let the muscle do the work.

How's that feel?

- Good.

- Exhale.

One, two,

three.

Good, man.

Arms are good, Ozzy.

Arms are good.

Showtime!

(upbeat music)

- I am getting in shape for the tour.

(Ozzy coughing)

- Well, originally we were gonna call it Black Christmas,

but it wasn't appropriate at this time.

So we changed it to Merry Mayhem,

(dog barking)

Ozzy comes on stage in a sleigh,

and it flies around the roof and then onto the stage.

We've got Santa's Grotto,

where people can go and have their picture taken with Santa.

He looks kind of like he's been on heroin for 10 years,

and he'll be smoking a cigarette.

Very skinny Santa.

(dogs barking)

We just hope that the kids can come and be entertained,

and have some fun, and then go home again.

(jazz music)

Everything comes through here.

Everything to do with Ozzy's career, and the Oz Fest,

and everything, really personally too for all of us,

comes through this office.

- [KELLY] Say hi, Nick.

- Why?

It was great.

"Ozzy's girl's as batty as dad."

When, where'd this come from?

- [KELLY] England, The Sun.

I hate England.

- Yeah.

This has gotta be red, Mike.

- Just Ozzy and Red?

- Yeah.

Wow.

No, don't like it at all.

Panties?

How much do women pay for knickers?

(phone ringing)

Jackie, could you please give Melinda your fucking shirt?

You know the one with the Chinese writing?

Because I need to send it off to get it copied for daddy.

- Gimme 20 minutes, I'll call you back.

- [CREW] Are you a vegan?

- No.

(upbeat music)

You know you have competition now?

- Why?

- I got my own label going, so.

- Do you?

- Yeah, yeah,

that's what we're doing down here.

- Smart kid.

- Jack lives for music, that's his main ambition.

He just wants to get his record label up and going.

- [BAND MEMBER] And Jack has good hair.

And it's always changing too.

- That's important.

- Yeah, you know,

for development, you gotta have someone

with good hair in the record company.

I assure you, I mean,

no shit, just with my hair alone,

you guys will just be huge.

- [BAND] Awesome.

- [JACK] Do a TRL number one every day.

(chilled music)

- [SHARON] And is that son about, that's in bed?

- [OZZY] Well, he's just contemplating his next-

- Yeah, his next wank,

whether he uses his right hand or his left.

- Don't be so disgusting, Sharon.

He's probably just contemplating his next move,

where to start his own fucking empire.

(dramatic music)

- Alright, come on.

- My wife's a shopaholic, she spendaholic.

She loves it, you know?

Every shopaholic has to have an accomplice.

- Alright, how can we get daddy

to watch the TV in the playroom?

'Cause it's so loud, I can't do anything in the kitchen,

and I wanna cook and it's too loud.

- Mom, you don't know how to cook!

- [SHARON] I'm trying today, I'm gonna really try.

- [KELLY] Mom, you haven't cooked

for me since I was like six.

- [SHARON] Things are going to change, baby.

Alright, can I move these mirrors here?

What do I do, 'cause I can't see a thing?

- [KELLY] No, just leave-

- [SHARON] Kelly, Kelly,

I can't see a thing.

- [KELLY] This is my car.

Because just in case you were

wondering, you're a shit driver.

- [SHARON] I didn't scratch your license plate.

- Yes, you did!

Half of the seven is off.

You're not driving my car anymore, Mom.

I'm sorry.

(upbeat music)

Are those earrings?

They're $95.

- Sort of feel like Mae West.

The Virgin Mary speaks to me.

She says, "You must go to Tiffany,

and on the way, stop at Cartier."

- Fucking hell!

Two shops...

You could have bought another house with this.

- We kind of cover each other's arses,

because Ozzy shits when he knows we're going out.

Kelly, you know she doesn't miss a beat.

- It's all stuff for your bathroom.

- Fucking hell.

Where's my other gold card gone?

- [KELLY] Mom has it.

- Why, why haven't you given it me back?

- It's just been sat in my bag.

I haven't even been out anywhere to spend anything.

I wish!

(indistinct)

- [KELLY] I know!

- Her dad's credit card, she's lost it.

She told him I had it, I do not have it.

She used it and lost it.

- I'm going to look right now.

(dramatic music)

- No darling, it's stuffed bulldog!

I'll show you something.

(dog barking)

She's real, she's not cardboard.

It's hide, it's leather.

(Sharon laughing)

- Where else were you wearing?

Have you checked your jacket?

- If we don't find the exact thing, I'm dead.

- She just takes it.

She shouldn't have had it in the first place.

- Didn't you take anything out of

the pockets when you got home?

- Yeah, I did!

Maybe it's on the coffee table downstairs.

- Only in America can you get away

with using somebody else's credit card.

No other country in the world can you do that.

So she's like hitting herself right now.

(coins rattling)

(jazz music)

(jazz music)

(funky music)

- I found it.

I found it.

- Go on, did you find it?

- I had the receipt in my car, I almost shit myself.

- Thank you so much, Kelly.

- If you do come tomorrow to the rehearsals,

I'll strongly suggest you get,

and I'm not joking, it's earplugs.

Zakk plays louder than fucking Satan.

(rock music)

- Getting ready for the tour is, you know,

he's got the rehearsals with the band,

and Ozzy works through the set list,

what songs he's going to do.

(rock music)

And then you have to do the videos.

- So what do you want me to put on now?

- Now I'm jerking off.

- [OZZY] I hate making videos.

- [ASSISTANT] That will go with one of you.

- Most of the time,

you think the guy's are gonna make

a fucking major, major motion movie.

- They're doing the Moulin Rouge

to get ready for the beginning of the show.

- [ASSISTANT] Let me give you a garter.

- [KELLY] We go back on tour for a little bit.

I just really haven't wanting to be on tour.

I haven't really wanted to be away and traveling every day,

and it's just like I wanna be at home with my friends,

and get into some kind of routine.

- [DIRECTOR ONE] We are rolling, please stand by.

- [DIRECTOR TWO] Okay, and playback.

(upbeat music)

- This is fucking stupid.

(crew laughing)

♪ There she goes, she's a lethal flirt ♪

♪ She'll wear you out when she works that skirt ♪

- [STYLIST] You've got earrings, you've got eyelashes,

you've got a woman's hairdo.

Right now, you're a woman.

♪ A smile and a DD cup ♪

- I've got one tit.

- [ASSISTANT] Hold on!

- No, 'cause one of the point go up.

It has to go up to one of the points on the side.

- Hang on, let me show you that.

(stylist laughing)

- [STYLIST] Let the expert test.

- That's the way it should be.

I look like a fucking dark side hooker.

(Ozzy groaning)

(Ozzy groaning)

- [DIRECTOR] Okay, make some lady noises.

- Hello.

- His boobs are sticking out.

Gimme the banana, she's gotta fix your makeup.

- No.

- [DIRECTOR] Keep rolling please.

Can we just get the dildo in real fast?

(Ozzy spluttering)

- The things I do for a fucking make a living.

- You?

- I mean, I can do anything-

- You're a fucking millionaire.

(Ozzy laughing)

- Well, there you go.

♪ 'Cause I'm just a girl ♪

♪ Oh, little old me ♪

♪ Well, don't let me out of your sight ♪

- That's it, we're gonna lip sync some of the words.

C'est soit.

- C'est soit.

- Okay.

Mocha choca lata ya-ya.

- Mocha tucker lata ya-ya.

Mocha lata choca ya-ya.

What the fuck, sounds like I'm

trying to order another drink,

a drink at fucking Starbucks.

(crew laughing)

(rock music)

- Jack's not coming on tour with us.

He's deciding to stay because he's got

work to do to get his record label up and going.

- Any new band names yet?

How about Jack Sabbath?

- [FRIEND] You should call it Jack Sabbath, yeah.

- That's kind of cool.

(classical music)

- Hi Minnie!

Minnie, Minnie.

Come on, come on.

Every time Ozzy goes out and to start the tour,

it's very stressful for him.

- [OZZY] I just really can't handle it anymore.

(tense music)

- [SHARON] Our love nest.

- Gotta give me some kisses.

- [SHARON] Does that hurt?

- Does this?

The fuck's the matter with you?

Does that hurt?

- [SHARON] We used to travel like

this with our babies in the back.

- For years.

- We used to have a bus like this,

and then there'd be a crib here.

- Min, give me a kiss.

Come on-

- They'd be in the crib.

Obviously he's not, you know,

the typical father that comes home

with a briefcase at six and puts it down,

and we all have a family dinner and discuss what we've done.

You know, we're not the Partridge family.

(upbeat music)

(jazz music)

(zen music)

- [OZZY] Come on, Sharon!

We're rehearsing tonight, you know?

- Come on, babies.

- Don't call me,

"Come on, Baby."

(Ozzy mumbling indistinctly)

(mellow music)

One, two.

One, two.

Whenever you're ready, guys.

Is that alright for you guys out there?

(rock music)

- They're just sound checking right now,

if you wanna go into the dressing room.

- I wanna see the FX.

- Okay.

Right now, we got some things we're working on.

- [OZZY] What does this gun shoot?

- [TECHNICIAN] Uh, pyro.

- You should send me to fucking

Iraq with these fucking things.

- [TECHNICIAN] They're gonna gear it up,

and get it ready to lift up.

- [ASSISTANT ONE] Shoot the guns!

- [TECHNICIAN] Fire the snow off the back.

(guns spraying)

- I love these fucking (indistinct).

(gun blasting)

(Ozzy laughing)

(mellow music)

Houston, the eagle has landed.

(Ozzy laughing)

- Hi Mrs. Christmas.

You look gorgeous.

Wicked, wicked,

Oh dear.

♪ Santa Claus is on his way ♪

- [SANTA] Oh, dear Lord.

♪ In a sleigh ♪

♪ Hip hip, hooray ♪

♪ I can't wait for Christmas day ♪

♪ Then off he goes ♪

♪ Saying ho ho ho ♪

♪ Hooray ♪

♪ I can't wait for Christmas day ♪

♪ Waiting up for Santa ♪

- [OZZY] You know he's a saint?

- Fuck off.

- (laughs) You know he's a saint.

- [SHARON] He's not a saint-

- Saint Nicholas!

(Ozzy and bandmates laughing)

It's ridiculous, man.

- When you shoot at the stage,

there's gonna be popcorn going off, right?

- Popcorn?

(fireworks popping)

(technicians laughing)

- That's great.

- Ozzy, there you go.

Look.

Tiny bubbles!

- [SHARON AND OZZY] Bubbles!

- Come on, Sharon!

I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne, the prince of fucking darkness.

Evil, evil,

I want fucking evil,

not a butt load of fucking bubbles.

When do the male models come on and start stroking?

(upbeat music)

I am not gonna do it, Sharon.

- If you say "Sharon" one more time-

- I'm not gonna do it, Sharon.

I just want to go and fucking play music-

- I've changed my name, don't call me Sharon.

- No, I don't care.

I have to be on the fucking stage in two nights from now.

I don't wanna use them fucking

bubbles and fucking stupid cannons.

I don't like this fucking stupid fucking

Santa Clause machine laying me on the fucking stage.

I just wanna play rock and roll, man.

But what are you gonna do about it?

We've got like 48 hours to sort this out.

I can't have all that shit.

- [SHARON] How will we sort it out?

When has it not been?

When has it not been?

(tense western music)

Do you have the set list?

- Whatever the set list is gonna be-

- Was today.

That's what, Ozzy,

that's what you wanna keep it as, what you did today?

That was whatever, whatever you did today.

- Just 'cause I'm a Mexican.

- [SHARON] Who remembers?

(chair banging)

- It's so fucking, it never ends.

- [OZZY] What are you talking about?

- I honestly thought that was Zakk's-

- Hello!

Are you going back tomorrow night?

- No.

I'm not, Daddy.

- Is she going back tomorrow?

- [MANAGER] No, after Albuquerque.

- When are we playing Albuquerque?

When are we playing Albuquerque-

- Ozzy, you're hurting me!

(Sharon breathing heavily)

- Are we doing tomorrow and Albuquerque

straight back to back?

- [SHARON] No, don't be ridiculous.

- We're not doing two shows back to back-

- No, darling.

- You'll end up fucking me up,

Sharon, if you are.

Can I have an itinerary?

- I've got one somewhere.

- [OZZY] Go and get it for me then.

- I think it's on the bus.

- [OZZY] No, it's not.

Where is it?

Tell me the truth, Sharon.

Sharon?

- Don't get technical, Daddy.

- I'm not fucking technical!

I'm on the road and I want a fucking itinerary!

Don't!

- See, look,

look, look.

She's gonna have you.

You touch me, mate,

that's it, that's it.

My body guard.

- [OZZY] Can I have a itinerary please?

- Of course you can have an itinerary, darling-

- Now?

- I don't know where one is, I'm not well.

(Manager and Sharon laughing)

- [OZZY] Can I have a look at the itinerary please?

- Alright, I'll go get you one.

- And don't fuck around, Sharon.

Just let me know please.

What is the schedule?

- A show tomorrow and then a show in Albuquerque.

- You can't do that till you blow me out for the fucking,

you can't do that, Sharon!

I've gotta break my voice, and you know that.

I can't do that anymore, Sharon.

I'm 52 years of age, you should have known that.

You knew that before you booked this fucking thing.

Oh, fucking hell.

That was a quick run to the fucking bus, wasn't it?

- [MANAGER] That's Sharon's itinerary.

- I'm pissed off, to be honest with you.

How long we been working together?

Fucking 22 years.

All you're thinking about is the fucking money.

"Oh, it's alright.

You can fucking do that, mate.

No, no problem.

Nine gigs on the trot?

Fine, he'll do it."

- Ozzy, you've never done nine gigs in a row in your life.

- But you'll soon fucking change that, won't you?

No, Sharon,

it's wrong.

It's abuse, doll.

I won't do it!

I'm telling you right now,

it's one on, one up.

I ain't doing this.

Hello Albuquerque, how you doing?

(crowd cheering)

(rock music)

(crowd cheering)

How we fucking doing out there tonight?

Goodnight and thank you all!

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- I've never broken my leg before,

so I don't know what it's like.

The cat's gonna die, man.

Where is the cat?

I'm gonna batter the thing with my walking stick.

Sharon!

- You're not going to a rave.

- "You're not going to the rave!"

(dance music)

- Big daddy's just fed up with the bullshit.

I will not have dope smoke in my fucking house.

- [JACK] Right then, fuck off.

I have to go.

- [SHARON] No Jack, don't.

♪ But that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(character laughing)

(comical music)