Original subtitles

- My old house, I used to live next door to Pat Boone.

And I gotta tell you, people think Pat Boone's a nerd.

And I must confess, I was in that category for a while,

until I met him. - Right.

- And he really is,

I mean, living next door to the Osbournes,

bricks goes, rocks go through the window

and cats go flying out the door.

And he never complained once.

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(light rock music)

- Where do you live from here?

- I live, well, we, this is our hike.

- She lives on Cherokee.

- Uh-huh. - What we do is

we go down Carla Ridge and back home.

And there we are at home.

So, we're up in Trousdale. - How long does that take?

- An hour and a half. - Yeah.

- It's four and a half miles.

- Yeah. - 'Cause we timed it.

- I mean. - I've been seeing them.

- Me too. I come driving- - I know.

- And I'm like, "Oh my God."

- We already went into the corner house over there.

We already got in. - Now, now, now. Wait now.

- Oh, wait, we better not.

We're gonna get in trouble now.

- No, we've been in it too.

(everyone laughing)

Looking in there all the time.

- Anyways, we wanted to say hello.

We walk every day. - Yeah.

- We say hello to the...

- [SHARON] To Michael.

- Right, to Michael. - Yes.

- All right, when I see you tomorrow, I shall honk the horn.

- You should walk with us sometime.

- No, I should. I should.

- I'm telling you, it's the best workout.

- We told them we were undercover security.

He wanted to see my ID.

I said, "No, then I wouldn't be undercover."

(everyone laughing)

- Love those trees at the front door with the spiral.

- They're nice, aren't they? - Oh, those are beautiful.

Yeah, uh-huh. I have two in my yard, and I love them.

But mine aren't as big, but.

- Anyway, you're very sweet. - Well, welcome.

We have to go hoofing up. - Listen, I will come.

I will. I'm gonna come and join you.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay, we're gonna take you up on that.

- Good to meet you. - Goodnight.

- Bye. - You ladies have a good walk.

- Thank you. - Bye.

- All right.

- That was sweet that she came out.

- Ozzy Osbourne.

We know that he's a musician.

Raw meat, throwing raw meat at the crowd.

Eating raw meat?

Doing wild things.

Killing animals?

- Oh God. - Acid rock or?

Oh, I'm really dating myself.

- I don't know. This really puts age on us.

♪ Walk away ♪

♪ Walk away ♪

(door shutting)

- What's up, Kel?

- Hi. - Well, what have I done?

- You haven't done anything. It's your fucking daughter.

I just got a call when I'm in Tiffany

from some woman telling me how I should prepare my vagina

for my gynecologist appointment tomorrow.

She booked me a fucking gynecologist appointment.

- Look, tell her to book me a gynecologist appointment.

I wouldn't mind.

- She's out of her fucking mind.

I don't think it's any of her business.

- What? Amy?

It's none of my fucking business.

I don't have a gynecologist, thank God.

(Melinda laughing)

I'd go. I'll go for you.

'Cause I feel like a cunt.

(Melinda laughing)

- You're so funny, Ozzy. (laughs)

- [OZZY] Did you have an appointment or?

- No. - [OZZY] Well, then

it's a practical joke.

- No. - No, it wasn't

a practical joke. - She was gonna get me

to go to the dentist.

She was gonna get me a new car.

She was gonna send me to the fucking gynecologist.

I'm like, "Amy, my teeth, my car, my vagina, my business."

- All you gotta say is "Fuck off"

when the vagina doctor calls.

Say, "What kind of a cunt do you think I am?"

(Melinda laughing)

- But it's not just that.

Like, now they stick a finger up your asshole,

and no one is sticking a finger up my asshole.

- If he was to file me up to a proctologist,

I'd go, "Ha ha, nice joke. Next one."

And you know she made the appointment, didn't you?

- Melinda told me.

- [OZZY] Well, why didn't you send them to Kelly?

- Well, I completely forgot about it.

It was ages ago, to be quite honest.

And I told Amy at the time not to do it

because Kelly wouldn't go anyway, but.

- But you ain't been doing anything dodgy, have you?

- No, there's no reason for me to go yet.

And she wants me to fucking...

- You haven't been doing anything wrong, have you?

- No, Dad!

- You haven't been messing.

- [KELLY] Dad, I don't wanna talk about it. Shut up.

- [OZZY] You brought it up. Not me.

- I didn't bring it up. You did.

- [OZZY] Why would she think you need a gynecologist?

- [KELLY] Because she goes.

On a monthly basis, probably.

- [OZZY] Well, she must be concerned about you.

If you haven't been getting you-know-what.

- No, because, hey, Dad.

- [MELINDA] She tells me I need to go too.

- Kelly, there must be- - No, Dad!

- Boys. - No!

- What are you smiling for then?

- Because you're asking me questions like that.

Don't ask me questions like that.

- I'm your dad.

Nobody better messing around with you.

I'll go fucking,

they'll be getting that up their fucking ass.

(bowl clanging)

Listen, there's gotta be something more to the story.

- No, Dad. I've had one urinary tract infection in my life.

And she tried to get me to go then.

You don't get it. She is bored.

She is bored. - Hold on. Hold on.

There's more to the story than meets the eye.

- No, no. - No, there's not!

- Ozzy.

- Because I wouldn't book him to a dick doctor.

(Melinda laughing)

- That's just it, Ozzy.

There's nothing wrong with Kelly.

There's absolutely...

- Well, then forget about it then.

Every time I mention the vagina doctor,

you get a smirk on your face.

What have you been up to?

- Dad, shut up.

- [OZZY] You brought it up!

- You brought the sex up! I didn't!

- Just don't let it go,

'cause I'm thinking now, she's been up to no good.

She might be pregnant and all this.

- [MELINDA] No, Ozzy! No!

- You haven't been playing doctors and nurses, have you?

- [MELINDA] Ozzy.

- Had you got laid by the time you was 17?

- I was laid by the time I was fucking 12.

- [GRAY SHIRT] There you go then.

- Ozzy, but she hasn't been doing anything.

- That's what you say.

'Cause you are a woman, you're sticking up for her.

- I'm not sticking up for her!

- Just let it drop, because she's getting,

obviously getting at you.

Don't let it bother you.

Don't let it, what?

- I'm gonna book her a fucking breath test

because her breath smells like shit all the time.

- Oh, beam me up, Scotty.

(upbeat dance music)

- Sarah, come with me.

I'm gonna go bollock the neighbors for making noise.

- Yeah. - Let's go and say-

- Let me go, let me go, let me go.

- "How dare you play that dreadful music?"

- [JACK] Can we bring the gun?

- No. - Can I go

with the mobile, be like (yells).

- No, I think that we should speak.

I'm gonna be very English.

I'm gonna say-

- I'll speak in German for you.

- "Excuse me, I'm going to call the police

if you don't stop playing this music."

- Well, why don't we just do that?

Why don't you just call the police and then complain?

Be like, "Look, we're trying to sleep."

- Melinda called the police the other night.

I'm gonna go and act so offended that they're playing music.

- Be like, "Are you insane?"

- Why? - Let's go and give them

a hard time.

"How dare you playing music at this time of night?

We're so disgusted."

That music is the worst music I have ever heard.

- Why don't I open up my windows?

- If you wanna play something decent.

- Why don't we open up the windows downstairs-

- And blast Sabbath.

- And blast some Sabbath?

- I think so. - Fuck yeah.

- I think that we should just put it out

and let it go across there.

It's all this fucking sex, European dance fucking shit.

- Like (hums).

(blinds whirring)

(upbeat dance music)

- Fucking wankers have no respect for your neighbors.

Ah, no!

No, that's my bear!

- What are you doing to your mommy?

Do not do this.

- That's my...

(upbeat music)

(upbeat dance music)

- Piece of shit, cock-sucking.

(upbeat dance music)

- [NEIGHBOR] You have a problem?

- Why don't you understand

that some people do like to sleep?

(dog barking) It's 2:00 in the morning.

You have a perfectly big house to go inside and talk.

Every single night, drinking.

Having your little cocktails every night.

He said he was gonna beat Daddy.

- [NEIGHBOR] Sharon?

You still there, Sharon?

- Of course I am, darling.

- [NEIGHBOR] Come on. Black Sabbath, louder.

- [SHARON] You wanna hear some Black Sabbath?

You said you wanted to beat up Ozzy Osbourne.

The front door's open. Come on.

Playing your awful middle-aged music for everyone to hear.

- [NEIGHBOR] By the way. - [SHARON] What?

- [NEIGHBOR] We haven't been here for six weeks.

- Weren't you the one that wanted to beat us up, dear?

Come over. Come on.

Come on, big boys.

You were just sat there,

saying that you were gonna kill my husband.

Fight him to the death.

- [NEIGHBOR] It ain't your husband.

So far, he's been very cool and very nice.

You've been very difficult.

- [NEIGHBOR 2] Sound like the Wicked Witch of the East.

- Darling, the Wicked Witch has nothing on me.

You're already living next to the neighbor from Hell.

Come on, big boy. Come here.

Come on, cocky little Englishman.

Come over here, little rich boy.

Live off daddy and mommy's money, do you?

- [NEIGHBOR] Most people think you're a nut bag

or a bag case or a complete nutter.

I personally think you might have some sense.

And I'd rather you try and not be an enemy to us,

and use us as allies.

We're neighbors.

But you don't wanna do that.

And we try to have, everyone in my family

thinks that they should just have war with you.

And by the way, it's not your husband.

We all respect Ozzy Osbourne.

We respect what he's done his career.

We don't respect you.

We think your kids are great.

You are the problem. (dog barking)

Everyone else is great, except you.

And I don't understand why you're doing it to us.

- [SHARON] Why don't you come over

and let me give you a cup of tea?

(neighbors laughing)

- [NEIGHBOR] Come over and give me a cup of tea?

- [SHARON] Come on, come over and have a cup of tea

and a biscuit.

- [NEIGHBOR] I would be very happy to meet with you.

- Fine, we'll meet tomorrow, sweetheart.

- [NEIGHBOR] Promise? - Absolutely.

- [NEIGHBOR] Okay.

- And please come in.

And as your wife said,

the big crosses on the door, they're everywhere.

We're very religious,

so you can catch us before we go to church.

Church service is at 1:00,

so if you could come at noon, it would be perfect.

- [NEIGHBOR] I'll see you at noon.

- Lovely.

How many times have I told you about these people?

- What happened?

What, you went over there and told them

to quiet down and they didn't?

- No, I didn't quite say it like that.

I said, "Shut the fuck up,

you middle age something or others."

They've said, "Oh no, we've heard Ozzy's all right,

but you..."

And then they were saying in conversation,

they said that I'm a lunatic.

- Well, I'm sorry, they're a bunch of cunts

that play The Lady From Ikanipa at all hours of the night.

It's one thing if you're making noise like 6:00,

10:00 in the evening.

But 2:15 in the morning is a little bit obsessive.

- I said we were going to church at 1:00.

(Sharon laughing)

And ridiculous things like, "Oh, crosses on your doors."

And like, "Play Black Sabbath music."

Oh, fuck off. - Oh, fuck off.

Because he wrote that music,

and he worked for those fucking doors

with the crosses on them.

So, fuck him.

- I hate that small-mindedness.

I fucking hate it.

When he comes here tomorrow,

I wanna hold him down and piss on his head.

- That's a little bit much, Mom.

- When I said to him that you don't work

and you live off daddy's money,

he never said one fucking word.

Nothing.

- [KELLY] He drives the most obnoxious car too.

He drives, like, one of those, like, family mobiles.

- Ooh. Ooh. - Mom, the cat. (gasps)

Puss is cleaning Gus Gus.

- [SHARON] That's 'cause they love each other.

Oh, I love you. - [KELLY] Oh.

- I'm not gonna let you sleep.

I'm gonna play music like the people next door.

(Kelly mumbling)

- Oh my God, Mom. The valet guy farted in my car.

- Oh!

Oh, I hate that! - No. No.

Do you know what I did? I screamed.

I was like, "Excuse me."

And I talked to one of the guy, and I go,

"Your valet guy just farted in my car,

and it smells ungodly."

And they go, "Well, we're very sorry. Very sorry."

I'm like, "No, it's disgusting."

- Should I wear these tomorrow when he comes over?

Hello.

Would you like some tea?

(light upbeat music)

(gate banging)

(light upbeat music)

(light upbeat music continues)

(bag rustling)

- Here you go.

Do you want some dinner left?

Oh, Jack, that's disgusting.

It's been in the sink all day.

That's really disgusting.

- [JACK] We should get Pat Boone back.

We should see if he wants to move in next door.

- Was he the best neighbor ever?

He was just the best person ever to live next door to.

You don't realize until you get, like,

the neighbor from Hell of how good, you know,

do you know what I'm saying?

How lucky we had it.

He was such a lovely man.

I've never known people so fucking noisy in my life.

I thought we were bad, Jack.

- I know.

(light music)

- Who's this?

- Oh, "Girl from Ipanema."

- [KELLY] How come those bastards never came over?

I think they're afraid of you.

- I'm not a party pooper by any means.

But they don't own this fucking street, you know?

- I know, but you don't get it.

- I try and be a nice neighborly fucking person.

If they wanna fuck with me,

they're fucking with the wrong person.

I'll start fucking throwing dead animals

over the fucking thing.

I don't give a fuck.

I'll throw fucking pigs guts and things over there.

If they party tonight, it's a war zone.

- War zone? Fucking... - So, I said to him,

I said, "You know, you're just nothing

than a poor little rich boy."

I said, "Go to your daddy for some more money. Go on."

- [JACK] What'd he say?

- Not a word.

Jack, he never said, "How dare you? I do this."

Or "I'm a fucking rocket scientist."

Or "I fucking..."

- I'll tell you, we've gotta get some reprisals here.

If they wanna have fucking war,

we've gotta give him one.

I got a pig's head from the butcher's.

That'll fuck him up.

(light music)

(upbeat music)

(soft music)

- It's a beautiful neighborhood.

It's a very peaceful neighborhood.

(dog barking)

- They got a guitar. They're all singing.

(dogs barking)

Shut up!

(dogs barking)

(door shutting)

- Listen to them.

♪ I guess you'd say ♪

♪ What can make me feel this way ♪

♪ My girl ♪

- Oh, fucking hell.

♪ My girl ♪

♪ Talking about my girl ♪

♪ My girl ♪

- Meshuggah.

Death metal from Norway.

(hard rock music)

(Ozzy snoring)

- I don't care! I'm sleeping.

Turn it off. - Speak to Mom.

No, you're not!

(hard rock music)

- Turn it off, Mom!

♪ He's got the whole world, where ♪

♪ In His hands, He's got the whole wide world ♪

- [SHARON] Did you hear them singing?

(hard rock music)

- I have to get up in the morning, really fucking

- [NEIGHBOR 3] You should go to bed, shouldn't you?

- Well, I'm trying to get into fucking bed,

and you guys are singing fucking

the whole world's in my fucking hand.

- [NEIGHBOR] You don't like that song?

Would you rather us sing something else?

- I'd rather you shut the fuck up!

- [NEIGHBOR 3] Chill out. - [NEIGHBOR 4] Relax.

- Oh! - What, are you gonna

come out and do, fucking hit me?

- [NEIGHBOR] That was really mature.

- Well, that was really mature.

Fuck you, you silly cunt.

- [NEIGHBOR 2] Hey, listen!

- I'm not listening to you, silly fuck.

Your little acoustic fucking guitar.

Go shove it up your little pompous ass.

- It's a mandarin. - We'll sing you a lullaby!

- I'll sing you lullaby, by you silly cunt.

Fuck you!

♪ They call me Mr. Tinkertrain ♪

♪ That's how I got to get my name ♪

- You don't get it.

Doing this is just gonna provoke them.

- Shut up and go to bed.

♪ You'll never be the same ♪

- It flew into the fucking flowers.

Where is it?

Where's the ham?

- [JACK] Follow the dog.

- [SHARON] The dog's eating it?

- [JACK] Probably.

- This is a picture of his wife's cunt.

A statue. I hand-carved it for you.

- [KELLY] Let's see. Let's see.

- [SHARON] What?

(ham thudding)

- [KELLY] They were making fun of Dad.

They said you were a crazy whore.

(Sharon laughing)

- Yeah, they're right with that one.

- [JACK] Did they call the police?

I think they called the cops.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.

(dog barking)

The door. I think it's the cops.

Mom, I'm gonna get Nick.

I'm gonna get Nick.

(door shutting)

- [OFFICER] It was something about

throwing object or something.

Was that happening? What was going on with that?

- I threw a bagel and a piece of ham just.

- It's, like, my window is-

- I'm so frustrated with them. - Mom, Mom.

My window is on their side of the house.

I can't have a full night's sleep

at all because of them. - Right.

(Ozzy snoring)

- And they'll have, like, their rave music on.

And it just doesn't stop.

- [SHARON] You wanna hear Kumbaya again?

The acoustic set.

Just hang here, and they'll do Kumbaya again.

All outside.

- [OFFICER] Don't throw bagels at them.

Don't throw cheese at them.

- [OFFICER 2] Yeah, don't acknowledge it at all.

- [OFFICER] Just call us immediately.

- [OFFICER 2] Immediately.

- We have. - We call you guys

all the time. - You guys are out here-

- All the time. - All the time.

- [OFFICER] We're powerless. We can't do anything.

- [SHARON] Yeah, I know. I know.

- [OFFICER 2] Yeah, so don't be throwing stuff at them.

Don't be telling them, "Well, I'm gonna call the cops."

Just call us quietly.

- [SHARON] Then will you come in here

and come in our back garden in here?

- If you'd like us to. - Of course, if you want,

we will. - Yeah, sure.

And we will deal with them.

But we have to witness the violation.

- Have a good night. - [SHARON] Thank you.

And I promise, no more bagels.

- [OFFICER 2] No more bagels, no more cheese, no more ham.

- [OFFICER] Yeah, don't waste the good food.

- [SHARON] All right.

- There you go. - Goodnight.

- It'll probably end up really ugly

going through the lawyers.

But one thing's for sure, I'm not moving.

I am definitely not moving.

(upbeat rock music)

(Sharon laughing)

Ozzy, come.

- What? - Don't go over the tree.

(Sharon laughing)

Ozzy.

Ozzy!

Ozzy! - What?

- No, no, no, no, no. Here.

Here's the fruit.

Ozzy, not wood.

You can be got for manslaughter.

Oh.

He's going to the side of the house.

Ozzy!

(glass shattering)

- Good luck to the window.

(sirens blaring)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Just a sign of the times ♪

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes".

- Where's my other gold card gone?

- [KELLY] Mom has it.

- Her dad's credit card, she's lost it.

She told him I have it. I do not have it.

She shouldn't have had it in the first place.

So, she's, like, shitting herself right now.

(upbeat music)

- I am getting in shape

(Ozzy coughing)

for the tour.

- One, two, three, four.

Good, man. Arms are good, Ozzy.

Arms are good.

- [SHARON] He loves performing.

- Bubbles?

- [SHARON] That's what he lives for.

- Oh, come on, Sharon.

I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne, the Prince of fucking Darkness.

Evil, evil.

What's fucking evil about a buttload of bubbles?

♪ But that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(person laughing) (bright music)

- [OZZY] Beam me up, Scotty.