Original subtitles

(gentle music)

- [INTERVIEWER] When you were a kid,

did you think you'd be a rock star?

- I wanted to be a plumber.

(interviewer laughs)

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

- My record's out today, Kel.

- I know.

Stop it!

(vacuum cleaner whirring)

- Please, Sharon!

- [SHARON] I'm coming, Ozzy.

- What the fuck you doing?

I'm standing here like a stripper with no clothes on.

- [KELLY] Dad, do a little dance.

- Which is the-

- Try these on first for me, please.

(Sharon speaking indistinctly)

- I don't like these, this is very flamboyant, this.

I don't like this, Sharon.

- [SHARON] Shut up!

- I don't like it, okay?

- [KELLY] Mom, that's a very Ricky Martin coat.

- This is fucking...

This is very flamboyant.

Sharon, this is a crap showing.

Do you think this looks a bit like

Ricky Martin on a day off?

I'm not gonna wear this fuckin' coat.

It's not feminine looking, is it?

- No.

Rockstar.

Only certain people-

- Is it truly...

I'm asking you a question, yeah?

You can throw your voice.

You sound like my wife.

- Shut up.

Looks gorgeous.

Hold on, there's one more.

- Doesn't he look handsome?

Gorgeous. - Shut the fuck up.

- You look gorgeous.

- Oh that's really nice, Dad.

- [TONY] Ten motorcycles are gonna follow you.

- Fuckin'...

I hate these fuckin' stretch bastards.

Joke fuckin' pimp-mobiles.

- Why did you get a fuckin' stretch?

I feel like a dickhead in these things.

- See you later.

- This is a fuckin' pimp-mobile.

Hate the fuckin' things, I do.

- But you can't turn up to an event in a fuckin' taxi.

- I don't like the fuckin' things.

- I know.

Well we didn't buy it.

- I know, but I don't like traveling in a fuckin'...

- Look at the ceiling, it's like Kelly's bedroom.

- Oh wonderful.

We'll live here then.

(upbeat music)

- Kelly, I want your record!

- I don't know how all these people know my name,

and I'm just like...

I'm get really shy.

- You better come this side

because this is the side that they pull up on.

(crowd cheering)

- [FAN] Hold on.

- I have to go.

- [SPEAKER] Come on.

Watch your leg, watch your leg.

- They keep on touching me.

I can't stand it.

- Fuckin' hell.

(crowd cheering)

Fuckin' Jesus Christ.

Oh, they'll like the album, it killed.

(crowd cheering)

- Go for it, my darling.

- [SPEAKER] Come on guys.

(crowd cheering and screaming)

(upbeat music)

- It's going up right next to you, so you have to step up.

♪ Never knew such a sweet temptation ♪

♪ You fill my heart with a lovely sensation ♪

♪ What could this craziness be ♪

♪ It happens when you smile at me ♪

♪ Rare and beautiful as a flower ♪

♪ You got me thinking I'm under your power ♪

♪ And I'm weak in the knees when you smile at me ♪

- Can I get an autograph?

- Sure. - Yes?

♪ Was a man in a shadow ♪

♪ I was going nowhere ♪

♪ You bring out the sunshine ♪

- We gotta play together sometime.

I got drums.

- [OZZY] You're stupid, man.

- I know I'm stupid.

♪ But the process is just beginning ♪

♪ I know you agree ♪

♪ When you smile at me ♪

- It's good to be the king.

Where do I go?

In there?

- This is the palm of darkness.

- The palm of darkness.

(Sharon laughing)

- She's the queen of metal.

Mimi's the queen.

- I fuckin' hate these limos, you know.

Don't continue, just stay here Sharon.

- Tonight, Ozzy Osborne will be our guest.

Hi.

- We're gonna talk about sexual intercourse and things.

- That's right.

- Hi.

- Hi. - How are you?

- How are you?

- That's why I brought the wife,

'cause I forgot what it's like.

- Good to meet you.

- It's happening.

You need to get the keys to a car.

We're gonna listen to it in a car.

- All right, Ozzy Osborne is here.

Sharon is also here.

Sharon is his wife and and manager and wrangler.

And sometimes interpreter.

What you said was all you wanna do is be able to enjoy-

- You know, with the antidepressants,

it screws your sex life up.

- Yes it does, it can.

- I've got a bottle of those...

- Viagra.

- Viagra.

I'm all loaded and I fire blanks now.

- Oh.

♪ La la la la la ♪

- No, but he started to take Viagra

and we would wait and wait for it to work.

I'd fall asleep and he'd be there with a big boner

and I'm fast asleep and he can't wake me up.

- I'm going, "Sharon, I'm ready!"

She's going, "Get lost!"

I'm lying there like I'm camping with a tent pole.

♪ La la la la la ♪

- [HOST] Nice meeting you.

Thanks for coming out.

- My pleasure.

- [HOST] Get some sleep.

- Watch how crazy the next four days is gonna be.

Rock and roll!

♪ One two ♪

♪ One two three four ♪

(upbeat music)

(upbeat ska music)

- Robert's my best friend.

You guys think he's my boyfriend, don't you?

You're so dirty.

- [ROBERT] What should I get Kelly for her birthday?

- What is she into right now?

Let me think.

- I don't know.

- Oh, God.

- It's like so hard.

- It's so hard with her.

Alright, let me think about it and I'll let you know.

Definitely. - All right.

- Okay, I'll let you know.

- It's Kelly's 17th birthday party on Saturday.

We could do Ouija boards for centerpieces.

Do you like Ouija boards?

- Oh, I love that.

- Okay, good.

Yeah, me too.

- So we're brainstorming right now

where we're gonna put everything.

- Good.

So that's the direction we're going.

I just wanna make sure we're right on track.

- Love it.

- [MELINDA] I think Pipi came here the other day.

- [RECEPTIONIST] Okay, let me go check

if I have a room for you, okay?

- Thank you.

- I'm gonna have to leave you to go and get the chickadee.

I'm so sorry.

But he has to be picked up.

Now will you remember-

- Did mom find the sheets for him?

- Yes.

- So he's definitely going.

- He's definitely going away on camp.

(cat meows)

- You were violated, puss.

He shoved something up your bum.

(upbeat music)

(fanfare)

- Jack.

6:15, okay?

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] Jack, how are you getting there?

- [JACK] We're walking.

- [SHARON] Jack, how are you getting there?

- [JACK] A bus.

- [SHARON] Who's driving?

- [JACK] A man with no legs.

- [SHARON] You're gonna get your fuckin' ass

kicked by me this morning, Jack.

If you don't stop...

- All right, bye.

- Oh, that's it?

- Yeah, bye.

- Well, all the other parents are here, Jack.

- All right.

Bye. - Bye.

Have fun.

Cheer up, you miserable...

Okay?

Jack, can you not phone me?

- I can't.

I have no phone.

- All right, why is he so depressed?

Oh my God.

Is he depressed?

- [MELINDA] Bye Jack.

- Do you think he needs medication?

- No, he needs to go to bed.

He's had one early night, like in about two years.

(upbeat music)

- [KELLY] Mom, what time do we get to New York?

- [SHARON] 2:00 AM

(upbeat music continues)

- [TONY] Come on, guys, we gotta get going here.

(upbeat music continues)

- Rock and roll!

Alright, I'll speak to you later.

I've gotta do Conan now.

- How do you actually get through a metal detector?

Look at this.

That's impressive.

How many crosses do you have there?

- Well, I need them.

Need every one.

- Yeah.

Look at those.

Look at that.

- And it urinates out the animal when you get there.

- Wait, yours urinates?

- Yeah.

- Mine urinates but it's not supposed to.

We don't know what the problem is.

We can't get it to stop.

(upbeat music)

- Are you awake?

- No.

Hey, this is Ozzy Osbourne.

Stay tuned for more Ozzfest in...

No.

Hey, this is Ozzy Osbourne

and you're listening to Jersey's On Rocks Radio on D...

No, one more time.

Hey, this is Ozzy Osbourne and you're listening to Joe...

Oh, fuckin' hell.

- [ANNOUNCER] P. Diddy and Ozzy are on the show.

- [SPEAKER] I'm gonna come back to the green room.

- Sure, yeah.

- Need to go back in there.

- Come on, man.

- [TONY] That's even cooler.

(upbeat music)

- He's so good he's got a court case going on.

- Yeah.

Thanks a lot man.

So glad about everything that's going on for you.

I'm big fan of Ozzy Osbourne.

No bullshit.

- [SPEAKER] Just say, well there's Kelly right there.

You'll have a microphone and Carson will say,

"Come on up here Kelly."

And we'll let you up on stage.

- Okay.

- [SPEAKER] Is that kind of cool?

- That's fine.

I'm really nervous.

- Oh, don't be silly

- Because I know me, I'd probably like go up there and trip

and then land on my face or something.

- [SPEAKER] Don't worry, it's live.

- I know.

- [SPEAKER] So, the F word...

- I know, I can't say fuck.

I have to behave myself.

- You can't say what?

Terrible, isn't it, the way children speak these days?

- But I learned from you dad.

It's alright.

- Alright.

You learned from the best, baby.

(upbeat rock music)

Hi, this is Ozzy Osborne and you're watching TRL.

(crowd cheering)

- Are you still asleep?

- I dunno what planet I'm on.

I feel like I got fired out of a can on Monday

and I aint landed yet.

(melodic music)

(knocking at door)

Birthday soon, innit, Kel?

- Yeah.

- How many weeks?

How many days?

- Seven.

- Seven more days.

What do you want me to get you for your birthday?

- I don't know.

Anything, I don't mind.

(upbeat music)

- [JACK] Yay, it's Melinda.

- Oh, I missed you.

- You wanna hug?

I haven't showered in a few days.

- It's alright.

That's really gross, right?

- Jackie will be home soon.

He's not had a good time.

- What?

- He didn't like it there.

- I wouldn't go fucking camping.

- He was on a camping trip at school.

- I told him to buy a proper fucking backpack

instead of that stupid thing

that he got from the Army Surplus.

- No, he just didn't like it there.

It was too hippie-ish.

- [KELLY] No.

Yeah, they make you like feed a tree

before you feed yourself.

- How the fuck do you feed a tree?

What are you gonna put a ham sandwich by the tree?

- Yeah.

You put a sandwich by the tree,

it's like the tree of the gods.

- Oh, fuck that.

- [JACK] I'm all sweaty.

- [MELINDA] Are you in trouble?

- [JACK] Oh, I'm in so much trouble.

They're gonna call mom and dad in.

- [MELINDA] What?

- [JACK] Yeah.

- [SHARON] You need to call Robert today.

- Robert de Niro?

- [SHARON] No, Robert from the office.

- Is he your boyfriend, Kel?

- No.

But in case you haven't noticed,

the kid's been coming over to the house

for like four years now.

- Oh, I didn't know.

- [MELINDA] Why are they gonna call your mom and dad in?

- Because...

Let me see.

I was throwing rocks at tents,

I was throwing rocks at kids.

I told the counselor to go fuck himself.

- Oh well.

Did you have fun though?

Like any fun?

You must have had fun.

- Yeah, I had fun like fucking around,

breaking the rules and getting yelled at.

- And they sing by a campfire at night.

- [OZZY] Oh, how fucking...

- See, Mom, I can't do that and take it seriously.

Like, when I was in Kathleen-

♪ Kumbaya ♪

What's it?

♪ Kumbaya ♪

- It really is like some kind of cult up there.

It's like a fun loving hippie cult.

- Oh my God.

Last night we stopped at...

What was it?

Roy Rogers.

- [KELLY] Roy Rogers like takeout.

- Who's the difference between Roy Rogers and Will Rogers?

- Yeah, that's what I was wondering.

Who the fuck is Will Rogers?

- I don't know.

(upbeat music)

(soft music)

- Good morning.

Good morning!

- [MELINDA] I missed you guys.

It was lonely.

(upbeat music)

- It's Kelly's birthday today.

You wanna come over to the party?

- [JACK'S FRIEND] You ready to buzz?

- Yep, let's go.

(upbeat music)

- All right.

- Let's get it up.

Okay, time to show the parental unit.

(dogs barking)

- Jack...

- Do you like it?

- You're outta your fuckin' mind.

- Aww.

These are the cutest things in the world.

No, they really are.

- You notice everything in the bag's pretty much pink?

- Yes, because pink is my favorite color.

- Yeah.

- Wow, this is really pretty.

- [ROBERT] Yes, it's rose gold.

- Oh, thank you, Rob.

This is so nice.

- [ROBERT] You are very welcome.

- Oh, sweet.

Yeah.

- Oh, sweet.

- Sweet.

- Welcome.

Enter freely and of your own will.

(upbeat music)

- Oh my God.

- Are you fuckin' outta your mind?

(all laughing)

- [MELINDA] What do you think of the music, Ozzy, tonight?

- [OZZY] Crap.

- Poor you.

Do you want me to go and put on some something you like?

- No, no, no, no.

It's got my party.

Piece of crap.

It's like music to get you brains kicked in to.

It's like a four hour long record.

All the same music, you know.

That's the best part of the record now.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(crowd clapping)

(crowd cheering)

- Kelly, are you going out now?

- Yeah.

- Gimme a kiss goodbye.

Have a nice night.

(upbeat music)

- I drool in my sleep.

- I know.

So do I.

I pee in my sleep actually.

I wet the bed like nine times this summer.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] You told me before.

- Waking up in a pool of your own spit

and a bed covered in your own urine.

It's fun.

- [SHARON] Look at this, these cigarettes butts everywhere.

- [OZZY] Oh, that is disgusting.

- [SHARON] I think it's disgusting.

(Jack belches)

- [OZZY] That sounds very nice, Jack.

- That was just for you.

- What?

- That was only for you.

- Where'd you go last night?

- Stayed here with you.

- Yeah?

- Why'd you lock your door, huh?

- Did he have somebody in his room last night?

- No.

You're not really one to talk about, you know,

something right now, so I'd shut up.

- That's not fair.

You promised you won't say anything.

- What happened?

What'd she do?

I hope you...

Oh, Kelly.

- If I show you, you can't kill me.

- Show you what?

You got a tattoo?

Where?

- [JACK] So ordinary, Kelly?

- I love it.

We all got the same one.

- [JACK] Let me see it, Kelly.

- Have you shown mommy?

- No.

And you're not saying anything.

- [JACK] Dad has to.

Let me see it again, Kelly.

It's so ordinary.

- [KELLY] I love it.

- What are we gonna do about a tattoo?

You've got that there for the rest of your fuckin' life.

- I like it.

- Telling Kelly, if you get an infection...

That one got infected, this one, one time,

and my fuckin' arm come up like a balloon

and my fingers...

I couldn't move.

It'll break your mom's heart.

- Yeah, but you're not gonna say anything.

- I have to.

- Dad!

You can't!

Please. - Course he has to.

- Hold on.

Kelly's got something to tell you.

- I can't.

- Go on. - You can.

- No, no, take the phone.

Tell her.

- Hello.

I got a tattoo.

- [SHARON] You are joking.

- [KELLY] No.

- [SHARON] What did you get?

- It's really tiny.

- [SHARON] What is it?

- A tiny little heart.

- [SHARON] Where?

- On my hip.

- [SHARON] And who did it?

- [KELLY] Some guy.

- [SHARON] What?

- Some guy.

- [SHARON] Oh, that tells me a lot.

Some guy.

Would you put your father on?

- Yeah.

- What do you think about that?

- [SHARON] I think it's...

I am so sad.

- Actually, to be honest with you, it's not that bad.

It's a tiny, tiny little heart on her hip.

It's not like a big fuckin' thing.

She's going for that one next week.

- I just wanna know what she said.

Is she mad at me?

- No, she's not mad.

She's just very disappointed.

She thinks you're a very stupid person.

- Well, I know that already.

I didn't need a tattoo to tell me that.

- [STYLIST] You have to say something.

You wanna say something?

- You wanna see it?

- Oh yes.

I wanna see it, Kelly.

- [STYLIST] How tiny.

I hope it's tiny.

It's very tiny.

- Is it crooked?

- [KELLY] No.

- If you want any advice from me about tattoos...

To be somebody unique, don't have a tattoo,

'cause everybody and their friend has got tattoos.

- [KELLY] I like it.

- Who did it?

- [KELLY] I'm not telling you.

- Why?

- [KELLY] Because I know you're gonna go down there

and sue them.

- My father went insane.

- Did you do it because you were angry?

- [KELLY] No.

- That's why you did it, right?

- No, I wouldn't do it because I'm angry.

I did it because I liked it

and me and my friends all got the same one.

- It's not all that bad.

I thought she was gonna show me a picture

of a fuckin' eagle on her ass or something.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes..."

- You don't realize until you get the neighbor from hell.

- [SPEAKER] You sound like the wicked witch of the east.

- The wicked witch has nothing on me.

- Shut the fuck up.

- If they want a fuckin' war, we're gonna give 'em one.

- Ozzy, not wood.

Ozzy!

(glass smashing)

- Straight through the window.

- Mom, I think it's the cops.

I'm gonna get nicked.

- [OFFICER] And plead your case in front of the judge.