Original subtitles

- How is home is today?

- Doing well, going to Hawaii tomorrow.

When are you gonna fucking lucky to Waikiki? Yeah, I know.

Geez, this time tomorrow. I won't know your name.

Are you doing, are you working or holiday? Just holiday. Oh,

- You'll have a great time.

- Yeah. How long - Are you gone for?

- Eight days. Ah, so jealous. I know.

Well, everyone's welcome

- That way.

- Kelly said she might come. I might

- Show up. There we go.

- Welcome to episode 2 0 9

of the basement tapes two.

Is that right? No.

- Two. - Oh, okay. Yeah. 2 0 9.

Two oh nine of the Osborne's. Great intro. Amy.

How are you all? You believe in your good.

- This is episode nine of season two, or is this eight

- Episode nine of season two of the basement tapes.

Okay. Time flies. I'll just tell you.

Oh, Jack, it was spoiled for you a little bit yesterday,

but I'll just tell you the episode title

and then you tell me how it makes you feel

inside your back. Oh, no.

- Kelly, we might wanna leave.

- It's Viva Las Vegas. Oh God - Yes.

- Oh, no. - Yes, Kelly.

No, I, Kelly,

I feel like it's probably gonna be appropriate for you

to maybe have like a,

an actual therapist debrief from this episode,

- Which I am not Oh, oh God.

Yet I can do a crash course.

- I need to say I'm really fucking over the show.

I don't, I don't enjoy this. This is not fun.

It's the worst moments of your life played back for you.

- It's Jack where, - Where you behave. So fucking

- Gross.

- There's puck a factor going on.

- Let's hope there's no dog shit in this one,

because all we do is talk about dog

- Shit.

It's true. And now you're back out in the world.

I'm sure the dogs are shitting in the hotel.

Probably, but it it is mostly, it's mostly Kelly and Jack.

- Okay. - Jack saw one moment from me yesterday. Oh.

But he was like,

- It's terrible.

- I don't wanna do - The,

- It's so terrible.

- Is it really Kelly? Are we equally

as bad or is it mostly me?

It's mostly me.

- Ah. If this is, let's a look.

If this is the episode, I didn't see it in entirety,

but is this the table

where everyone's like jumping on a table and it breaks?

Is that this Vegas trip or is it a second?

- Well, someone is on top

of a table at some and she folds.

I remember that. But let's start off at home

with Ozzy doing some calisthenics.

- Oh, oh. Pees exercise of Pete Steinfeld

- In the quads in the front of that.

I'm gonna work on that right now. Okay.

Just relax your legs. Draining

that mean icy, icy hot stuff you don't need to do.

That's, you know, really that's stuff is, it's,

- It just warms the top of your,

you know, the, the top of the mo.

I mean, if you like it, it's fine. It's not gonna hurt

- You.

It's not gonna hurt you.

I, my fucking ass.

He's running around under my testicles

and fucking fire rolling.

- You know you can hit the hind hos now. Fuck you

- Gun down my legs.

It's kind of sore in the very un un uncomfortable

area in my body.

You won't burn for that long. It goes away.

That is gracious. Great balls of fire.

- Crazy. See, it's good editing

because we start with your dad putting icy hot on his balls

before we ease into your behavior. Oh Lord.

- Oh boy. - Balls are fire Is this cold? It's

- Called Viva - Las Vegas.

Good gracious. Great. My balls are on fire.

- I love that. I was like the peanut gallery, just like

you gonna hit the high notes now.

- I - Know. I like a m it You sat there. Come on.

The two guys in the balcony. Exactly.

At settler and Waldorf. Yeah. Yeah.

Perfectly timed joke though. Yeah. It does seem scripted.

A little bit. Almost. A little bit. Yeah. Well,

I don't know if you felt originally

about having an 18th birthday party very positively

before the Vegas idea came up.

- Can I, can I just say stuff like,

this is why I think I hated myself so much

because I have to like see it.

- Well, we all hate ourselves when we're teenagers, right?

- Yes, - Absolutely.

- I mean, - And then you blossom into this wonderful adult.

- Look at the, look at the lemons from lemonade.

Look at, I mean, look at the lemonade from lemons here.

You can show this to your child.

- Yes. - No, no, no. Hit me out.

Because he will be mental at some point in his life.

His dad is in Slipknot and he's an Osborne.

Your son is going to be fucking insane as a teenager.

- How do you know this? He's a sweet angel.

- Now. He is. - Or he'll be super square. Have you met

- Pearl lately?

- I know. - Okay. So that's how I know you can sit him down

and be like, Hey, listen,

you think you got this all figured out,

but let me just play something for you.

And like, it's good. It's a good tool.

It's a good parenting tool to have in the quiver.

- Well, as I've told you guys, my parents were party animals

and I rebelled by becoming a straight A student

- Christian. But

- That, so there's that too.

- But now you're a comedian.

- Yeah, now I'm garbage. Yeah.

You have to make up for lost time.

It's better that you two got it out of your system up.

I agree. The appropriate age. I would

- Say that.

How many people do we know who work diligently?

They, they suddenly get some wealth

and they're in their late forties, fifties

and they act so ridiculous.

- Crazy. Yeah. Crazy idiots.

I want some wealth in my late forties and fifties. Please.

- It's like craziness.

And so, and you're too tired to party at that age.

You're too old. You look ridiculous. Yeah, exactly.

But at least when you are a kid, you say,

all right, they're kids.

They don't get it.

- I just love the way you respond when your parents offer

you something sweet sometimes. I

- Know, because, because I'm such a fucking psycho.

I don't get it. Like they're just being nice

and then I just scream at them.

- Let's hear. It's

- Daddy's laughing.

He's laughing having flashbacks from yesterday.

Oh.

- Oh, seriously. We have to have

to just talk about your birthday dinner,

mom. It's 18. I don't want

- A dinner.

I don't like dinners

because every year you plan me some big fucking party

and I sit in my room the whole time.

Parties are for the people who invited,

not who they're thrown for.

I didn't even see my birthday cake.

I don't like going to parties. I don't like parties.

They're bullshit. Wouldn't we just go to Vegas?

Wayne will come with me with Jen

and Daniella, hopefully to Vegas.

I think we should just go in Vegas.

- She'd go for a couple of shows and just have fun.

- She's so cool. Still, I think. Who? Cindy Lauper.

Oh yeah. I think she's so pretty. Oh yes.

Bless her. That's funny. I love

- Her.

You know what, we should clip that

and we should, you should send that to her.

- I still feel that way about parties.

- I hate. Oh God. I hate birthdays.

- Was it the dinner that you didn't want?

I But you're fine with an outing.

- I'm fine with it being recognized,

but I, to this day still, I'm like,

I don't need a party.

Like I'm turning 40 this year and I am not having a party.

And it's not because I'm like, oh, that you know of.

I'm turning 40.

It's because I I think it's a waste of fucking money.

Who cares that I'm turning 40?

- But your mom loves putting parties on.

- You used to love them when you were little.

- I did love because you threw the best fucking

parties ever, mom.

And when you're a kid, they're amazing.

But not when you are older. You know what I mean?

- Sure. I fucking hate birthdays.

- Still - Hate him

- Because you don't wanna be the center of attention.

Lemme tell you something. Jack hates Christmas.

- No, I don't like Christmas. I like Christmas. Jack. You

- Don't open any of the presents of Christmas?

- I don't. No. I like Christmas with my kids. I don't.

I like this. I still have, I

I might still have Christmas gifts. I have an open.

- Why I Because you don't wanna be

watched opening them. Yes.

- Yeah. If I do, I have to do it in weird,

in privacy and like

- Yeah.

When are you gonna open them? It's June.

- I one time waited like two years

to open up Christmas gifts.

I shit you not, I was just like,

they were just in my closet.

- Oh my God. I was just - Looking at 'em.

- You just regift - Them used to. Sorry.

- Who? - Oh. Used to do that? No, Dean Martin. Really?

We never up on a Christmas party.

- Do you care about birthdays, parties, occasions?

- I like a Sharon's a party and the Sharon's party.

It's like at a fucking event when Sharon does a party. Yeah.

- It mom, it's a festival show. Let me tell you something.

She's, if you have, she's

- Told me some great parties over the years.

- A shitload of money.

And you, you wanna hire a party planner?

Hire mom because she throws the best parties.

- People look, my my dentist goes,

when Sharon gonna her a party, they're

- A thing of legend.

- Yeah. - And you'll see in,

well in later episodes what that looks like.

But yeah, no, no. She throws a good party.

- Do you have any coming up planned any occasions?

- Two. My daughter's in two days.

- Yeah. Oh, exciting little

- Party.

She requested, she requested sushi

for her birthday and everyone was like, no, Andy.

And when the kids, my God

- Kids were not there was like elephant fucking jugglers.

- Fucking it, it continues.

'cause Andy was like, she wants her party to be

like tarot theme.

- Yes. Like a earth

- No star signs.

Zodiac themed. Yeah. Zodiac themed. So there's like

crystals and all this.

And then she's like, and I want animals.

We're like, no, we're not doing the animals.

I'll have crystals and animals.

- She goes, Sharon used to get magicians.

I love watching magic.

- Yeah, - Me too. Do you go to the Magic Castle?

- Yes. - I love it there. Me too. I love it so much.

- Well, me and Sharon went

to this private thing there one time.

And this guy, he got two Dexa cards unopened.

One's our Yeah, red and one's blue.

And picture a blue on booty back in the, in the blue thing.

That card. We went from there to there. Yeah.

And I'm like, how the fuck did he do that? I,

- I, we one time had, it's crazy, this magician

that mum got, it was the craziest

thing I've ever experienced.

They had us write this message on a piece of paper

and then like did some shit with it and they set it on fire.

And then he said, does anyone here have a newspaper?

We were like, I don't know.

We can go look in the, it was when we were filming the show,

we went into the crew and the crew had the LA times.

Then he went get the classified section

and go to the personal ads.

Got the per Oh, look it up.

And the fucking message we had written

was printed in the like personal ads.

That's crazy. That's fucking

- Unbelievable.

It's unbelievable. I love it. I think they're

geniuses. Truly.

- I dunno how to do, I dunno.

- They're very weird people. Magicians

- As weird comic. I dunno how

- Much weirder than comic. I think they're much weirder.

- Mind blowing. It is.

- I think magicians go one of two ways.

They're either like the artful dodger

and they like doing s sleigh of hand things,

or they're the nerdiest human being you've ever met in your

- Life.

You gotta admit if you write like go fuck yourself

or what, you know, on a piece of whatever,

and he says it on fire and you go and get a newspaper

and you look and look at it's got what you

- Yeah.

- That's fucking - Butthole love.

- Butthole love. - I fucking hate you both.

Oh, you've got a good memory, Amy.

I don't even know where that would come from.

I don't know either. And it wasn't like I was into like,

being sodomized or anything.

It was just, oh my God.

Fucking it was, that's fucking, I thought it was funny.

Funny. I just thought it was funny.

I wish I have fucking told you assholes.

- I appreciate you telling

- Please me as a butthole, not an asshole.

You were never so sure of a dull moment,

but you fucking explode.

Fuck. You know, I'm seeing that now.

The birds and the trees are fucking,

- I'm seeing that complaint.

But like says it's not my fault that I'm fucking nuts.

We've just witnessed,

- What, what did we just witness Daddy putting

hot and cold cream on his ball bag?

I didn't. No. I mean, like from watching the show. Oh.

Oh, okay.

- She means in all the other episode. Okay. I didn't

- Put put up.

I shut on my testicles.

You have to seep through my on the pants.

- Don't lie. Dad, you were beaten off

with our icy heart. Oh, you are up and banging the

- Fucking - Jack.

You always take it that bit too far.

Well, he's an awful doing a butthole

- Butthole love with the trainer.

- I think we should move on.

Let's move on to, let's, let's go to Vegas.

I don't wanna go to Vegas. Can we just

- Keep talking?

Well, there's another Kelly moment before we go to Vegas

- That you'll enjoy.

Fuck sake. Who gets the ing? This guy?

- I think Kelly's really hating doing this show.

- I no, you have no fucking idea

how much I hate doing this show, but I'm here for it.

I hate reliving the past. I hate it.

I go through an emotional rollercoaster

with every scene we watch.

- Here's what we do. In 10 years from now, we do this again.

All the kids.

- Oh my Lord. I'll be 20.

- I'm in, I'll be 70, 22. Two, two. Yeah.

Well, I'm 18. I could do what I

- Want.

I'm 18 and I could fire you now.

- I thought, mom, seriously, do you really think that if I,

I would take Joanna to a tit doctor.

I get the same tits as Joanna. Yeah. I fucking hate my tits.

They're so ugly and like boring. Get them done.

I I really, I think it's a must do. Get a good mother.

I know. Oh darling, just get your tit mother

- Tit - Fucking hate my tits.

Why do I have to have your tits? Why couldn't I have tit?

She has perfect tits. She does have perfect tits.

Doesn't she come to London? Tits?

You know those ones on the postcards?

- I have fucking natural geographic tits.

Why didn't you want Sharon's tits?

- Because I have Sharon's tits.

- What's a boring tit, by the way?

- Okay, so like, if I could do,

do I show you I've never seen one?

I'll, I'll show you a facial expression. Okay.

So like, I want tits that look like

- This.

Welcome to Lemon tits.

- Right. And then I have tits that look like this.

- No, - You don't, Kelly. Yeah,

- I do.

- That's you know what that is.

Kelly, you just gave us the best TikTok clip ever

because everyone's gonna read that

and go, they're gonna see it

and they're gonna go, what kind of tits do I have?

And they're gonna be doing faces to see

what kind of tits they have. That's funny. Kelly.

- Really funny. I'm just saying that it, it's like

you can also play that game.

It's called the bum face game.

- Bum face. - Yeah.

You know, I've been playing this game

with Lynn's husband for like,

- I don't know what bum face is.

- Okay. That's what I call him bum face.

- Okay. - And it, because we played it Li who?

Linny Lin Lin. Oh, Linny Lin Lynn. Go on. Yeah.

And, and so

you look at somebody

and then if their ass had a facial expression,

if have to pull it.

- Oh. - And it, it's a really fun game to play.

And it does make you laugh. What's my bum face? Ooh.

Salt. You know, right now with that lipstick on

and those don't fuck with me boots.

Amy.

- I was saying I've seen a lot of naked tits

- On mom's is like this - Mom also a boring one whose

- Face that's yours.

- Yeah. - Because mom doesn't have a bum.

- No bum at all. No, it's not too late to get one.

Jack's is like this.

- It's - About right.

- It's this. - Well, do you remember what you had to do?

Do you remember what you had to do before, before Vegas?

Just a little legal.

- I do. We had to sign contracts.

- Yeah. Do you remember this Sharon? Yeah.

- I have no recollection.

This is all like, I blacked this out. Come on.

- Vegas. Gaming in Nevada laws won't allow And

the drinking thing.

Yeah. The fake ID issue.

- Oh, I don't have an id.

- Okay. None of my friends do.

Well, there's gonna be the Venetian sent us this thing

and there's a whole paragraph in it about

if anybody seen to be drinking underage.

I I'm just saying the gaming and

and licensing laws in Nevada are really, really strict.

So we've gotta be really careful. See your

- Face.

I I'm not really planning to go to Vegas

to party, to be telling.

Honest with you. Liar.

- So sweet. And everyone knows you're full of shit.

- The contract at the hotel saying that I can't drink.

I have no recollection of this.

It is like I have a reputation. Not even 18.

They're not gonna let me do anything. It's fantastic

- Dude.

How much money is Vegas?

It's gonna be, this thing is just have cocktails.

You know what? Who's that? Pascal.

- Oh no way. - I thought it was zero tolerance.

Well, is it gonna be, are you guys

standing in my hotel room with me?

- Do you know what? This day is a very

special day in my life.

Why my daughter? 'cause you have no control of me anymore.

No. My daughter is 18

and I can remember every second

where I nearly died Giving birth to you.

No, you did not nearly die birth me. I was almost birth.

I had wanted to be heavy.

I you wanted had hours of labor.

They thought I would never make it. No mom.

They honestly thought they were about

to give me a tricky otomy where you get that from birth.

- I was just making a tracheotomy. Yeah. Already in Vegas.

I'm looking but I didn't see it. Why? Present Fancy brain.

Dude. How happy if we just cru the casinos in suits.

Let's go, let's go. I want to get a max suit

and just cruise around.

There's no better way than cruising Vegas.

- What is he doing now? - I have no

- Idea.

I nearly died giving birth to you.

And I just get over shut other I get over

emotion, don't you?

I go please Miss don't die. Don't die. The baby.

The baby. I don't know.

- Be, I guess you mentioned this trip out, bro.

Can't fit back. No.

I'll make him fit, but I don't know dude.

Should I bring him to Vegas?

You can't see that kind of stuff.

It could be hot in his soul kind of stuff.

You know what dude? The yoga experience

sometime you took

- I said, I said, I dunno, should I bring him to Vegas

for the last?

And I'm like, father, please, please.

- I was saying to bear, I was like, oh,

it's gonna be, should I bring him?

It's gonna be harsh on his soul.

And I was like, oh, well we all gotta do Vegas sometime.

- It's so cute. 'cause you've just said like,

we're gonna meet up with a bunch of penthouse chicks

and then you stuff your bear into the back back.

- Oh, you're a kid that, that bear fucking,

I still have him left you ourselves.

He, his head's

- Hanging off down.

- We have to get him some surgery.

- We've - Got a member of the family.

- Is it time for the case yet? - Probably getting there.

- Yeah. What's the case?

We wanna put put a bear in a, in like a

- Hanging off down - So

that he is protected and taken care of

- Because - All of us have a,

have had a different love affair with bear.

- Aw. And I have a, I have a plan that when I die,

I am gonna haunt the bear.

So I'll just be, it'll be like one

of those like demonically haunted Teddy.

- No, you'll come back as bear. Yeah.

The bear is embody the bear is bad. Baby or

- Bear.

I just, I thought bear it. Send you to that museum. Yeah.

The haunted museum. Sorry though. With Robert.

- It - Should be in the Osborne's museum.

- Robert. We, we got, they got people to go and see them.

- I know. I met the director of that museum

and he said thank you to me.

Because when we went to visit Robert the doll,

they're like business like skyrocketed.

Whoa.

- That's awesome. Wait, the haunted museum in Vegas,

- The, there's a, there's a, there's a old fortress in Key

West and they have like this haunted doll there called

Robert the haunted doll.

And it's kind of creepy.

And there's all these rules you have to follow.

Like if you disrespect him, like you'll be fucking cursed

and Yeah, we bought a doll and like traveled with him.

It was like a replica. It was like that guy

- You were saying Kelly, you don't

remember signing that contract? Anything?

- I have no recollection of signing that contract.

- Well really a contract. Yeah.

- It was with the, with the hotel. Yes.

Because they knew that they were catering

for an 18-year-old party.

So they obviously have this policy.

Well, there might be younger kids there

and you know, it was actually

- Possibly guys drinking there 21.

- But what it was we had,

because this was season two, season one had come out

where we were like pottying and drinking and all fucked up.

- Yeah. And - So like the word had got out. No.

And so Vegas think Vegas was like, yeah, no,

- Not in our town.

- They were - Kelly Osborne partying a I was like, oh,

well send a contract.

- Well, Bobby's so sweet

because I love that you're lying Bobby to his face.

Bobby's the, and he never goes,

- Bobby, the best human in the world. Like,

- Do you think I'm a fucking idiot?

- Yeah. No, he ne he never did.

Bobby literally, he'd always roll with the punches

and whatever happened would figure out something.

And he's a saint.

- He wa - He, Bobby was a fucking saint.

- I never saw that guy like unravel once even amongst some

of the most chaotic times. And he was just like,

- And you're clearly lying.

I don't have a fake id. None of my friends

- Do.

Nobody brought it up. No, I, no,

because by that time I'd had my fake Id taken away from me.

Oh, and who took it? You

- Did. I,

- Yeah.

- Okay. Somebody took it.

Is that true Sharon?

The story about giving birth? You're making the whole thing out.

- She's the whole thing. Oh, that's whole thing before mom.

- Yeah. Oh, but you just like to make her feel bad. Yeah,

- Sure.

Make it dramatic.

- All right, let's go to Vegas. Contract signed no party.

Go to Vegas. Vegas. Come on.

- Oh wait, no girls, you're going on the second band.

All that shit. The second in that I was going

that all the guys were supposed to go on the first van

I in the first place.

Whose birthday is it? Mine. God. Why?

- My God. And why did I

not have to have my friends all come?

Because you decided to bring eight of your friends with you.

Me and eight Kelly

- Cock thing.

Hey, are you freaking to help? Super out.

Was that a cop face? I heard cock face.

- Yeah. - Pitchy. This

- Is gonna be the biggest disaster trip ever.

No. Still pitchy. Tell the setup. Wow.

This was a great plane.

Great coat. I always remember this plane.

- It's so funny you said that Mom

- And Zach.

I know. He told me. He he told me

- No, that's your birthday prison.

So you get the real thing on Wednesday.

- No fucking way. No - Way, way. I

- Still have her get it on Wednesday.

She is a but fucking way.

- Way. Oh my god, kids. Thank

- You.

No, no. That coolest sick.

Yeah, I still have the car still.

Welcome to Osborne Airlines.

Flight number one to Vegas.

- You still have the car? I still have the car,

but I, one of the reasons I hate watching this,

Amy, my therapist.

- What - Is, because I come across as

so fucking ungrateful all the time.

- You seem pretty grateful there. Yeah. You were very

- Excited - There.

You were like really excited. Now did you ask, ask now

before getting into the van? Not so much.

- That's what I'm saying. I got my May birthday.

Like it's horrible.

- But I love how you're like yelling at me

for bringing my friends.

But it's like Dill and

- My family friends.

- Yeah. Like all our friends.

- I know. Did you ask for that car? Yeah.

It, no, I've never asked for that car,

but it was my dream car and my parents knew it.

It like, that's so sweet.

It was some like in a million years,

I never would've thought that I would own one that

was so perfect and amazing.

And it was kept in a storage unit

for like 50 years or something.

And mom went to Jay Leno and Jay Leno helped her find it.

Oh. And

- That's nice.

- It like, that car is so special

and it still has all the original parts. Does

- It still run?

- Yeah. - Oh wow.

- I took, I took it over to POL and they tricked it out

and made it

- Safer.

- Safer. Yeah. 'cause it is not very safe.

I wouldn't put my baby in that car. That's for sure.

- Why did you not want Jack's friends there?

- I, I think I was just being a cunt.

- Oh, okay. But you called

Jack a cunt face. Cock face

- Cock face cock cock face.

- I love your insult. I'm just gonna make a list

of the kids' insult.

- Like the way she does it out the side

of a mac cock face and then carries on.

- I know you can barely pick it up.

- Yeah. - But we know it's there.

What were you planning to do in Vegas do you think?

I mean, obviously you're lying about not party,

- But I remember this trip in pictures.

I seeing this is probably gonna jog some memories, but

- Didn't, didn't Whitfield come on this trip?

Is this where he lost $30,000?

- I don't know. - I can't

- Remember.

I don't remember. Let's jog some memories.

- Let's do it. - Vegas baby.

- Fly this plane down. Memory, whatever happened to

- What happens in Vegas?

Stays in Vegas. Oh my God.

Look at you running through this hotel.

Oh, that's a cool jacket on Fred was there.

- Sam, wait, we're gonna go upstairs. Deal.

We're gonna go upstairs.

We're gonna get it all set up so when we go down there,

there's nothing we can have to deal with.

And we should drink upstairs in the room. Shut.

Shut the fuck up Fred. The security

- Guards all around us.

Jack, you are like, fuck off. Fred.

- Did you say that in front of the fuck? What was he saying?

Excel. Excel. Oh my God. Who's Excel?

Mom? He was like, oh, security manny for a while.

Do you remember? No. Yeah. That's Sam.

Remember the eye patch?

- Yeah. Fred Fried.

Fred is now the healthiest man on the

planet. I have a bar.

- They didn't clear my eyes.

I still have a painting he gave,

I have no idea who that tall guy is.

Oh, diet Pepsi. Oh, the

- Trigger ice that.

- Let's go, let's go.

- Okay. I I I just, yeah. Cool.

The fucking hallway's littered with fucking security guards.

I feel like I've fucking robbed a

bank and haven't done anything.

And I don't want to be here like this.

Put yourself in my position.

I came here to have fun with my friends.

- Yeah, you can go anywhere - You want. Yeah.

- With a fucking army behind me.

I don't, there's people just opening the door Okay.

To my room and it's not fucking cool.

No, I just, I don't want all the security around.

I'm just gonna go home tonight, mom.

- We don't want security because we wanna get in trouble.

Yeah.

- Yeah. I know. Been - Like you.

- Who were the friends that you all were excited

or surprised to see in this scene?

- In this scene? So if you, you briefly saw him so quickly.

He had an iPad on, his name is xl

and XL was like our first security

slash Manny. Like he

- Travel companion.

- Yeah. - And I,

and he, he did security for Cyprus Hill.

- Yeah. - And I met him just kind

of out and about in Hollywood. And he would always

- At the rainbow.

- At the rainbow and he would always kinda like,

make sure I was good and like take care of me and

- Always made sure that we were okay.

- Really good. Like awesome guy.

And he tragically died in a car accident a

couple years later

- And it was just like, that was horrible.

- A friend of ours who was there, but oh my God.

He was like just hot of gold. He was

- A great Cuban.

- He had a, so he had a, he had a, he wore a eye patch,

but he had a fake eye and he would take his eye out

and he would like put it on people

and be like, I got my eye on you.

- Oh, pretty funny. - Yeah, he was a good guy.

- So who else is on the, on the trip?

Because there's one person you said you,

you have no idea who it is. Yeah,

- I have no idea who - That, that one tall blonde guy.

I dunno who he is either. Yeah,

- No idea.

- Well he got a fun trip from Yeah, I

- Guess.

Yeah. I wonder if he still remembers it.

- But Sharon, it seems like the adults are being pretty

chill, classy, keeping it quiet.

Nobody is fucking me with my poles.

- I know. You look very regal at that dining table. You do.

Well Jack is trying to dodge security. Yeah.

- Well you, you do a lot

of security dodging in this episode too. Kel

- Jack, my behavior is worse than yours in this episode.

And I know this going into it

and I do not want to witness it

- Again.

I think I was a little more secretive

with my behavior in this trip.

- Sneaky. Yeah. Yeah. - Very sneaky.

- Yeah. - Sneaky Shane.

- Let's check out Ozzy gambling a little bit.

This is a little Kelly break. Thank God. Come on.

- I love a slot. Me too. Ozzy does so much.

Look at all the security around him.

- Gee, you can't make things happen.

My look isn't a fucking bird. Shits on my fucking head.

And he is mid looking.

Char Oh, oh.

So close.

- Did he win? Did you win? Us broke? He alright.

That's winning. That's winning baby.

That's winning baby. How you doing guys?

My name's Kelly O. Osborne.

- He's a lot. - Kelly Osborne.

- Your name's Kelly Osborne. Yeah.

- My name's Chris. - You kidding?

- So tall - Osborne. We're Osborn. Wow.

Nice meet you. Nice meet.

- That's so cute. I never music.

Really? Kelly Osborne. She's killing

- Osborn.

How she What an adorable little sweet pea.

You should find her. Kelly. Kelly. Oh, Jen Kelly. Shut.

Where am I going? Can you have,

I still have the pictures from this.

You, your light is so funny. I get really scared.

You're right in the front. God, I'm terrified of heights.

- I - Don't sit,

- I don't like being on the front.

Why are we in the front? Oh shit.

- God. Clearly not them.

Yeah. Fucking love one. Huh? Love

- Rollercoaster.

Do you remember when we stayed in that hotel once

and the rollercoaster was going past the room?

Oh, that was, what was that hotel

- Called?

New York. New York. New York. Yeah.

- Your wallet chain got stuff

- Look like I'm shitting, like I still have the pictures.

Looks like costume. Daniella,

you're making the poo face too.

He's cute. Daniella's a nurse now. Go on.

And Jen works in the industry

and it's so, it's so weird that I'm still friendly with

all the people that I was friends with back then,

but just in a different capacity.

Like when I look at Fred, even though Jack's always like,

was like, Fred fuck off.

Well, no, because he, he's now like,

he went from being like me

and him like we're secret drug buddies

to now he's the healthiest.

- Is he like a personal trainer?

- He's a personal trainer and he does incredible.

And like he turned his life around

and you know, Carly and her husband on the sandwich.

And it, it's just seeing

- Yeah, the evolution of people

- And how well everybody's doing now. It's nice.

- Yeah. - I was actually quite surprised

to see you on a rollercoaster.

I hate heights. I dunno why I did that.

I don't like rollercoasters at all.

- Yeah. When's the last time you were on one?

- No, I went on the,

the Tron ride at Disney World.

Which isn't a rollercoaster,

but it is a ride that has those things.

- Yeah, you get jostled. - You were just,

- Did I hear you say you love rollercoasters?

- That he does. I had, he loves them.

- Really? - Yeah. Don't you remember when dad went

with Zach to Six Flags and got in trouble?

- No. Is that Yeah. Wow. I have no, I I have. Yeah.

Wow. Let's go,

- Let's go to Magic Mountain.

- The lines. You white fucking

- Daddy.

You wouldn't have to worry. They're not gonna

make you wait in line.

When's the last time you were on a rollercoaster? Ozzie?

Oh boy. Would you still do it now?

- Yeah. - Let's fucking go. Magic Castle.

Disneyland. Yeah.

- The buzz. Is it the buzz light year rollercoaster

Disney? It's like my favorite.

- It's pretty fun. Is it Disney World?

- No, Disney, California Adventure.

- Oh, California Adventure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I love that

- Park. Yeah, it's a good one.

- I'm terrified of rollercoasters as well.

I hate it, but I like a fun ride.

If I can be distracted. I just can't

- Take heights at all. Just

- Seeing anything.

My Disney mum sitting, sitting in the front,

he suddenly dropped his shoe and cracked the fucking rib.

You broke a rib at Disney

- Daddy's.

I was sat right in front of him and I went like that

and broke his rib. I was like, fuck. I

- I was rib.

Where do you stop? Fucking complaining. Always complaining.

Cock face. Fucking ball

bowling from She broke your rib bollock.

You Gina was there once. She

- Who? Gina. Gina.

- Was that the time you laughed so hard

that you peed yourself on Gina?

- No, that was years before.

- Well, Jack, the Vegas trip takes it turns since you

can't really party.

We'll see you do the next best thing. Oh no.

- Telly Tubby love each other

- Very much.

I didn't expect this. Are you drinking? No. I I'm drinking.

You seem high as fuck. Okay.

So she's a legendary drag queen.

- Still doing it. She looks fabulous. What the fuck?

- You guys having fun?

- Tellies. - It's

- Fucking really pathetic.

Alright, I want to go get drunk, so hurry up.

Where are you gonna drink?

- I don't know. And then you just say it on camera.

Weird hearing Jack say, I'm gonna go get drunk

because he's been sober longer than he was partying.

Yeah.

- Much - Longer.

- Roda. - I was gonna send to my mom.

Let's go

fucking, oh my God.

Oh, she did this. I forgot she did this. Oh my God.

What did she do? Oh no.

Sharon's so over it. Oh no. Her belly.

Oh. Did you see?

I can't so bad.

- Oh my God. I calm.

- That - Was just cringey. Very,

- We all need to be responsible for our behaviors.

- Yes, - But

- But you're laughing so hard too. Well,

- If you are so much like your mum.

- Yeah, - I know. I am

- Just cackling at someone being a mess.

Yeah.

- I welcome the messiness.

I thought, I've always thought it was funny,

but I wouldn't love it if that footage was there of me.

So I understand why she feels the way she

feels about this show.

- Sure. But it hasn't been really seen in years.

Like, how does she know it?

Like most people, this, this show's forgotten about.

I doubt she's sat there going, oh fuck, one day

that show's gonna pop up.

- No, but I, I guarantee it's still scarring for her.

- Sure. - What did you do with Sarah? You've got your lip,

- Lip pierce.

- Ugh. You love

- Sarah. Did

- You ever have a little scarf from it?

- Yeah. I mean, how often did you have

to at least just sit her down and be like, chill out?

Like, like what?

- There's - Embarrassing moments

- For everyone.

I think this was the pinnacle

and everything was never as bad as this again.

- Yeah. Yeah. After this it really tainted it.

Like she kind of stopped coming around.

- Really? - Yeah. I, as I recall it

- Was, she probably thought she took it too far.

- No, she, no, Jack, because she came on tour with me

and everyone sat there, but she was fucking funny.

Like that was funny.

- Sure. - It made me feel weird. Yeah.

Who picks up the shirt from his mug? Oh, rod a

- From MTV.

- He was the, he was the network exec.

- Yeah. - To She could have,

she could've fucked herself real bad.

She, yeah. Would she weird been

drinking? Yeah.

- Oh my God. I was - Blitzed. Yeah.

So you guys were drinking in your rooms?

- Yeah. Yeah. They, it was funny.

They, they made us sign all this,

oh, don't drink, don't drink.

But they clear out the mini bars.

- In retrospect, Jack, I'm starting to think that maybe

that contract was fake and the show gave it to us in the

- Set.

Oh, I was thinking that.

- No, mom, do you have anything to say yourself?

Not a word. Not a word.

- No. I remember it being very real. I do.

I Because, because I remember I got a talking

to from security.

- You can, you do sign a contract

and there's more fucking bows in the

fridge than I got in the bar.

- Yeah. - I'm

- Listen, I was just, and how is legally

- Finding contract of somebody who's still 17 years old?

Maybe it was signing a contract

- Because they was - Fake

- Because co-signed by the parents.

- I - Couldn't know.

- Yeah, you just trusted Bobby and he said it was real.

- See - And we'll

- Never know.

We did try. We did try.

You signed a contract and you still all got drunk.

- That's not trying, mom. Oh, - Okay.

- Anyhow, - Let's Next

- Clip.

- Yeah. Come - On then. More partying. More fighting.

- Oh no.

What is this out? Oh, this is the famous elevator scene

with mom, please.

But Sarah, for 2.5 seconds, can you just try

and act normal white my mom's hair, just please Mom,

go talk for a second.

No, of course you can. We were downstairs before Jack Coke.

I just wanna let you know, okay,

we were downstairs in the club

and there was these girls sitting our what club?

Where we this, this dancing thing downstairs. Okay.

That, that we're not Drinking.

By not drinking and No, because I'm on so many fucking pills

and I would Jack Jackie,

if you say one fucking word to them, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, I'm not gonna say

anything and I wasn't going to.

And then the girl looked at me like this.

I'm like, I don't give a fuck. Who she's, he's rude Mom.

I'm not wanting you. If I see him tonight now don't go

down tonight please.

It's my birthday. I wanna do what the fuck I wanna do

and not have someone scream at me.

Because what room is some dumb girl?

I don't care if you go down there, there's

- Gonna be a war.

- It's my birthday. Hello?

Does that not compute into your head? Oh my God.

I'm so worried.

- Kelly. Stop talking to me like I'm your girlfriend Mom.

I'm your mother

- Mom.

I don't wanna talk. Hey listen

- Kelly, if you go down there

and cause a fight, we will be thrown out of this hotel.

- Sarah, come on. I can't go down

'cause I don't wanna see you get in a fight. I'm not gonna

- Get in a fight.

Kelly, you are gonna regret this

because you are acting like a spoiled brat. Mom. I'm not.

- Yes, I'm spoiled, but get over it. I'm not a bra though.

- You are acting like - That. I'm not a bra.

- And you look ridiculous in

that hat. Do you know

- How many times that one clip is just repeated on TikTok?

Come down with me, Sarah.

Don't let them know that they're fucking blunt.

That's what they want.

- Give moment, give day.

There could be your whatever.

This guy just came over and said Jordan's

lap just don't be mean.

All right. Just don't even say anything. Just ignore Kelly.

Kelly. Why? Just listen Kelly.

They're trying to have fun too.

You can be a bitch you find to fun,

but just back the fuck off.

You never, unless you come out down.

You can't see the stuff that happened at the Star

to get Kelly and Sarah outta here now.

Now I said get outta here.

She's a complete con rag. Don't take it a hot.

She doesn't mean it. I know. I got a little

Did you throw a drink in it?

- Yeah. - Did I?

- Yeah. Yeah. 'cause Jack says, sorry about my sister.

She's a complete cunt rag.

And then the girl goes, yeah, I got a little wet from her.

She is being pretty sweet. All

- She was like was like nothing was gonna move her

ass from that seat.

Oh, that little girl that was sitting next

to Jack. Yes.

- I have nothing to say other than ice. Jack

- Was always trying to be Karma Dad.

Dad. I think.

- Yeah. - Go act like Jack is so innocent.

- I was, there was no one around me.

You were upset that a girl sat on Pascal's lap.

- No. Yes. That wasn't Pascal next to you in that direction.

- Jack. You say it's Jordy

but then I think there's a different girl later.

- Okay. - But still,

it seems like this has happened before.

That May. Because you're like, what were you

- Dressed like the, because I was

- A fucking - Idiot.

- Kelly was working on her hip hop career

with a Sideward baseball hat.

- It was a look. It was a look it. Truck hat. Yeah.

- And the vest. - But

before she even sees the girls are there, you say,

don't be mean.

These girls have joined us. So it's insane.

I It happened before. Clearly

- I, you have to remember when when we grew up

and in a world where there was groupies everywhere

and there was these women

that I felt were

not age appropriate for Jack.

And I didn't like any of them because of it.

- How old was your boyfriend when this happened?

- What do you mean? How

- Old was your boyfriend during this time period?

- I didn't have a boyfriend yet.

- Aren't - You with Bert at this time?

- I believe you're with Bert at this time period.

- Well it's legal now - That as of that day.

- But but that wasn't a big age difference, Jack.

That was not a big age difference. It was still illegal.

That's the age difference.

It's only legal without parents difference. We're still

- Arguing.

What? I'm not arguing. I'm just making a point. Like

- Guaranteed to go out with a bang.

What the fuck is coming up now?

- Okay, let's, let's, let's get right into it. A rough one.

If the adults are up to, I don't

talk about my show. Wait, what

- Happened? Eddie?

- Who's Kelly? - She's doing all this again.

You know, with the truck driver's hat on.

She had this green truck driver's hat on

and it was quite stunning.

I think she thinks she's Sarah this evening.

- No, she really does. Sarah.

- Yeah, to be honest, she's really, really,

she definitely does out of order.

She thinks she's Sarah.

- I don't think, did I just get on the fight on the

elevator with a bitch? Whatever.

- We're gonna get thrown out and we don't wanna do that.

So let's get Kevin. I don't wanna get into any

- Fights.

If Kelly's gonna to bed, then Kelly's going to bed.

I'm ready to fight but I'm not doing it.

I'm being a mediator is fucking bullshit.

- Well that was an end to a lovely evening.

Packing my back. She

- Is kind of disrespectful to you.

Time dogs like Yeah.

- What Chapstick fucking deal coming right now.

- What's - Deal if we miss our plane?

Because want to be really pissed. Alright,

well then let's go take cows.

I'm gonna call him now. Kelly.

They said that they're at the bar. Stop.

She was so much trying,

- Dude.

Seriously. I love your

- Jacket.

- I actually really love that jacket. You look like Ringo.

I think it was a Mark Jacobs jacket

if I remember correctly. I

- The fuck up.

Oh my God. Sorry. Fuck. Sorry.

Fucking I see, I know you're a fucking pro skater

and you have no fucking care. We had to wait.

- Coming, waited six hours for Jason, that dick.

Oh, because street just,

- Well lady looks shines on me.

We should go for a couple of shows and just have fun.

- Dude. I got six penthouse chicks

meet isn't mine.

- It's my, it's mine. I can't watch it. It's so

- Rad.

It's so rad. Wow.

This might be the darkest episode yet.

Next time I ask for it. Really? It's my birthday. God,

- I think it's hilarious.

I feel sorry for myself.

- I feel sorry for you too

- Mom. I feel sorry for you as well.

- Especially 'cause you were going through cancer

and we were such little cunts and it was especially me.

- Yeah. I don't think I was that.

Yeah, I, I don't, I have no memory of the club. I do.

I remember being in the hotel room

and I remember being pissed off that like

- I You were watching the Teletubbies.

- I wasn't watching Teletubbies.

They put that, that was the power of MTV editing.

I wasn't fucking sat around watching Teletubbies

- Hood. It wasn't like that.

- No. And they didn't even show 'cause we went to Vegas.

'cause you had a gig. Did I? You had a gig. It was the,

- There was one tiny bit of live footage we took out,

but they barely show it.

- Yeah, I - Fainted at that gig.

- Yes. - Oh,

- You fainted.

- Yeah. Went to hospital.

- 'cause you were so damn sexy on that stage.

- Okay. I don't know if you catch

this jack either.

But you have like the worst cotton mouth.

- Yeah. - You keep looking at and then you go,

does somebody have any chopstick?

Everyone's ignoring you. That

- Was - Dry.

- That was probably cotton mouth and

- Weed. Probably.

- You look full yellow submarine in that jacket.

- I just, some of these looks were so strong. That's a

- Cool coat.

- It was a really cool coat. I think it was Mark Jacobs.

- And with your hair too, you just look like a Beatle.

So cute. Ringle.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Did you regret this trip, Sharon?

- It wasn't exactly fun. - Did you all end up getting in

- Trouble?

- No. No. I can't re I can't even remember the trip at all.

- No, we didn't. You, you ended up winning on the slots.

You went down and you won a lot

of money on the slot machine. That was,

- I remember Didn't you win like five grand or something?

- 18 grand? - Yeah, I was on that trip. Whoa.

- Is that your biggest lie win ever?

Because I was sick in bed.

- Yeah. - And you went down with security

and then you came back up

and we were both so happy 'cause you'd run,

- Oh no.

Won nine grand

- And then you went down the next day you

won another nine grand.

- Yeah. - You were killing it.

- Did you feel like Sarah was a bad influence on you?

- Sarah wasn't necessarily an influence. Influence. No.

She was more like a, just a companion.

Like she would never be like, Hey, let's do this.

- Right. - She would just be there for it

- Sometimes.

Because Sharon keeps saying she thinks she's Sarah tonight.

She thinks she's Sarah.

- Sarah was stroppy. She was disrespectful and stroppy.

You know, she'd like roll her eyes at you and

- But the thing is, is that she would talk

to my mom like she was an adult.

Yeah. It's weird.

- And yeah. Yeah.

- I would never speak to somebody's mom that way. Except

- Your own.

I love when you're like, that's true.

Just why does that not compute in your

- Head?

I know. It's so fucking rude.

It's so horrible when I watch it back and my mom was sick

and I was talking to her like that.

It's so horrible. It was your birthday.

- Yeah. - Shut up dad.

- It's my birthday

and I don't wanna celebrate it is what she said.

But then when you got there, everything was your purse then

- What do you think guys, should we bring back the

term cunt Rag?

- Yep. Bring it back. - Ooh, that's

- Cunt rag, cunt rag.

Oh,

- I'm so uncomfortable.

I fucking hate doing the show.

- Yeah. - Okay, thanks. Cut racks.

Viva Las Vegas. That's a

- Rough one.

A rough ride.