Original subtitles

- Hello family.

- What's up Amy? Hi. - We missed you Amy.

I missed you as well.

- Back at it again. - Everyone looks so great today.

We got the memo, we got the green memo.

- Casual ca. Casual. Yeah. Casual.

- Casual. This is a casual, yeah.

- Casual Wednesdays. - Yes. Oh, it's

- Monday. Shit.

- We're all very spring appropriate.

And are you excited to get back into this?

No, because you know what's coming.

I don't know what's coming,

but I am like, it's gotta be cringe.

What episode is this? Episode five of season two.

Okay, so, 'cause this is like severely into when mom was

going through cancer treatment.

Yes. And this is a lot of like a huge part

that I have like mentally blocked out.

So I do not, I literally don't remember. I'm sure.

I mean do do either.

Do anyone remember sort of how it's definitely Jack

and Kelly heavy

because you know, you're in bed a lot of the time.

Of course. And you're going extra fucking crazy for some,

I mean for obvious reasons,

but I think we were all individually, each one

of us was going through our own personal hell

and nervous breakdown over the fact that mom had cancer

and we all kind of, it all manifested

and came out in different ways.

Right. But do you remember any conversation with production

that was like, it's gonna be a lot of Jack and Kelly so No.

No. They weren't encouraging you to go fucking nuts.

- No, - No. We went fucking nuts on our own. I think.

Just to make it really easy on your mom while she was

sick. Poor

- Mom.

- So yes. You're, you're recovering going through chemo.

You're in bed a lot of the time. You are doing a lot.

I would say too much probably around town. Oh God. Yeah.

- Do you? - And you genuinely don't remember a lot

of this period, I swear to you it's a huge part of like

between the age of like

18 to 25.

It's patchy. I don't remember a lot.

That's quite a chunk. Yeah,

- It's a big chunk.

- Yeah, it's a big chunk. 1825 that, you know,

- I think you were still 17 here.

- Yes. You are. I think 20 days from 18 in this episode.

You know what I'm saying? Round 30. Yeah.

Well it's a triple whammy of being fucked up.

Having teenage brain and trauma like Yeah, yeah.

No, it was triple whammy. Yeah. And mom had cancer.

- That's - The trauma. That was the trauma.

What did you think I meant The drugs. Oh yeah.

Well yes, that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was on, I was, I was a very bad drug addict at this time.

Alright.

I,

- Oh, special guest. Mandy Moore. Fucking

- Drunk because I was drinking till 7 45 in the morning.

- How old you do if I told you

that I was out till 7 45 drinking in the

morning, you'd kill me.

- I'm responsible. What were you drinking?

I don't know. I was in a taxi and I gave the guy like $20.

It was like a $5 cab. Right. And I was like, just take it.

And he goes, can I suck your ass?

I screamed my fucking head off. The taxi driver said that.

Yeah. Got out of the car. I went running down the

street and car's like Kelly.

Wait, I had to fucking punched him a taxi and we ran in.

Yeah. And we ran into the bus like bar that we could find.

And I fell asleep in some random person's

apartment and woke up and went home.

I believe all this happened in 24 hours.

- I can't believe how nonchalant has been so eventful.

I know. Even taking a shit in 48 hours.

- Your life is so eventful. That's your response.

- Yeah. You don't seem as concerned as to maybe to this

- Horrific story.

- The story just keeps getting worse and worse and worse.

And I'm just like,

did a taxi driver said he would suck your ass?

Well he asked if he could suck her ass.

- Yeah. - Asked. And then you fell asleep in a random

person's apartment.

- Sounds safe. - Do you have any idea who's,

- Do you remember this?

- I actually have no recollection. Not the cab either.

I just keep looking at this fake ponytail

that I have attached to my head

that looks like a Davy Crockett roadkill.

And I, I'm like, and I do look still possibly drunk.

You're definitely still drunk.

- And it, is it the morning or another night?

- I think that's the evening. - Okay.

- I like the members only though.

- I know. I was just admiring my pink members only jacket. I

- Like that jacket.

- I lost that jacket

because Bur was wearing it when he got arrested

for weed in Utah.

Oh mom. And the police took it and he never got it back.

And I was really upset. Do you mean Phil? Yeah, Phil.

I thought that was not a real ponytail. It's it's not real.

It not real ponytail. It's like,

it literally looks like baby crockett's, like beaver hat.

- I always think we should bring Melinda in just

so we can compliment her how she looks exactly the same.

- I think we should. She does.

Well I think it's evening and you stayed out until 8:00 AM

and then, so you can never tell what time of day it is

because they blacked out the

windows. Yeah. But you still can

- Kind of, I think it's nighttime.

- But you said that you were drinking till

7 45 in the morning.

- Mm. - And you really thank you Don't seem

to care. I think

- At that point most, oh, - What can you do?

- Yeah. I was so on chemo, I didn't even know

where I was or who I was. She

- Was just holding on for life.

- Like - Yeah. And then you just went buck wild.

- Can we talk about your drippy Chrome heart shirt though?

That that's way back in this. This show is so old.

Chrome Hart has gone out of fashion and then come and into

- Fashion in meant because there any jackets have gone out

of fashion and come back into fashion.

Ozzy, how did you feel about Kelly staying out till

eight in the morning?

- What were you doing late in the morning?

- Getting shit faced?

Apparently having a ponytail nailed to the back of her head.

Mom had the fucking ponytail. It's no dad.

I was still very much, very

virginal in that time.

Well we get to meet several

of your family members in this episode then.

- I'm scared. - Well, we meet your dad. Hear me?

- Yeah.

Sharon, the father. No one talking for 20 years.

And I said to Sharon, you know what sweetheart?

I don't buy this bullshit that you, you,

you hate your father.

I strongly suggest that you,

that you pick up the fucking phone and and call him.

That was the worst thing I ever do because I never off the

- Phone.

One day somebody came to see me

that I didn't expect you see.

And whoever it was,

- It was me.

- She had all these words for me. You see? Which was

- You motherfucking piece of shit was the first one.

- Yes. I think that was something like that.

Now what was the other one darling?

- The kids thought it was Tony Curtis. Oh right. Yes.

That's when they said to me, mommy,

why is Tony Curtis calling you a whore?

And I said, well, I just don't know.

Well, he said was not answered me a question. What

- Together out Richard and have respect.

Oh my God, don't give,

give Don

- I'm gonna relapse.

You believe we never spoke a word to her for 20 odd years.

Know we're talking. I can't believe it. It's great.

How many few? You're fucking not worth it, man.

- Yeah. Oh, does that make you sad?

- Mm, it's sad 'cause he's sick. He has Alzheimer's there.

Oh. And it's quite far on.

And it's amazing 'cause he has Alzheimer's.

But it made him go back to the accent from

where he came from.

We, he came from the north of England, a place called

where they have that,

- A northern accent accent.

- A northern accent.

And he never had it when I was a kid.

And then Wow.

It's funny how it came back

with the Alzheimer's, that accent.

Yeah. The brain is crazy

- Like you said.

- Yeah. To see him. Yeah. - Don't know.

- Yeah, it does.

And then did you see who was there? Richard Cole.

- He's gone as well. - Yeah.

- Yeah. Rich. - But it seems like when you made up,

you just picked up where you left off.

Yeah. But I could is much

- As you say that he's old. He's also on

- The holding back.

I can still see you holding back.

You said you can see her holding back.

I still see mom holding back a little bit.

Like not all the trust was there right away.

- It was, do you know what it was?

It was so many years of being abused by him.

- Yeah. - And then seeing him sick and vulnerable

- Was, he was, he was a great man.

A he was a big man in his day fed, fed

by a lot of people to see him go down

- In music, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the guy behind him,

- Well, for Led Zeppelin, - His name is Richard Cole.

He used to work with Led Zeppelin as their tour manager

for years.

- Oh wow. - And he became infamous in his job

because he was somewhat of a heavy,

- My - Father was.

And then we employed Richard to take care of my father.

- We've had some fucking, - Because he had Alzheimer's

couldn't be on his own.

That was amazing. And so Richard took care of my father.

- Oh, that's sweet.

When you had the 20 years of not talking,

did you really feel like you hated him during that time?

Or you were just angry?

- Never hated him. Couldn't hate him.

I, it was very weird

because he died shortly after this.

But I felt that I'd already mourned him dying.

'cause he wasn't in my life.

And I'd gone over that where you miss someone

and the grief, I'd already grieved him.

Right. Because I never thought he'd be back in my life.

And then he came back into my life.

But I'd spent 20 years grieving him.

So when he actually did die, I'd already,

- Yeah.

- In my mind, he'd already gone.

- That makes sense. Ozzy, were you encouraging her

to call those whole 20 years?

- No. Well, when, when, when we found out he had

Alzheimer's, I said to Sharon, look,

if you've got anything good

or bad to say to him, no, it's fine.

Because he ain't gonna know what the fucking time of day.

- Yeah, yeah. He was on his own.

My mom had gone

and his, he had, they hadn't lived together for years,

but it was still kind of anchor for him.

And he'd lost, did your everything.

Don't you remember? No, we were welders.

- Found out. No. - Yeah. Yeah.

- It wasn't that - Long. He was about maybe four years.

Yeah. I remember when dad's mom died.

I don't remember when your mom died.

- Yeah. - We were at welder's house.

- But yeah, it was because he was sick

and there was nobody to take care of him.

- Yeah. - And he, he was a very powerful man in his day.

A very, very wealthy man in his day.

And he just lost everything.

- Oh, - That's awful. And to be sick

and not have resources to take care of yourself

after so many years, like being so powerful.

I just couldn't leave it. Yeah.

Can you tell us about the song he sings You? My God.

It was something from the Second World

War that obviously a lot

of Jewish people would sing about giving a Jew a chance

because nobody would give Jews a chance.

And he was singing this song that was,

he dug up from somewhere in the back of his mind.

- Oh, you didn't have an, he didn't sing

that to you when you were a child? He

- Or he.

Oh, okay. He, he used to sing it

because a lot of Jewish people used to sing it

and laugh about it.

- Yeah. But I think that he was basically saying to my mom,

give me chance. Another chance. Yeah,

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Which is sweet. And you did. Yeah.

But is Kelly right

that you're still a little bit guarded at this point?

- I didn't, I didn't feel you were,

I felt you were really like,

- You handled it with such grace

and in a way that, you know, most people wouldn't.

- But at that point though, you can't.

I think mom took the right approach. 'cause what the fuck?

Like, what is there to argue about

- The nothing?

Because he didn't know what he'd done to me.

He'd forgotten all of that. Oh.

It was, you know, everything was just,

- And I just wanna go on record and say, the first time Jack

and I ever saw him was in Nate s and he stood up

and said the most disgusting thing to our mother.

And I'd never heard two words put together like that.

And it was much worse than calling her a whore.

Much worse. Much worse.

- What did he say? - We can't repeat it.

Can't can't repeat it. But Yeah.

Must be pretty bad if you guys were Yeah, it

- Was pretty dark.

- It was really, really dark.

And I was just like, who is this man?

And you thought it was Tony Curtis, would

- He I actually wasn't there. It was

- Bu it was, it was my eldest

that thought he was Tony Curtis.

Because I knew Tony Curtis. Right.

He was a friend of my father's.

And I used to, when we used

to see old movies, I'd say, oh, we did.

The kids used to see, I'd say to the kids,

- The kids would see, I remember the movie place

and it was, it was always there in Westwood city.

Westwood Century City. The kids would

- See there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- And they thought he was him.

- Yeah. Well, something a little bit lighter. Yes.

That would be nice. It's Ozzy's Burrito addiction. Oh.

- Oh, he's dad still has the black card.

- The, the he's the godfather's gone.

- No, it's in England. - Doesn't work

- Know though.

It doesn't work. Wait, a Chipotle

- Black car?

- He, he, so because of this, yeah.

- I don't even know what this is. Okay.

- Chipotle had just come out.

Dad discovered the glory of like the giant burrito.

- Yeah. - And was eating him so much on the show.

Chipotle sent him a forever lifetime

- Because I'd used this one show paper would go there

where the shot was

and the guys would make 10 times more dollars than he says.

The manager said, there's only three

of these cards in existence.

My sons have two.

And you, you have, you get a breach of free

- Forever.

That's amazing. In any Chipotle.

- And I worked for a while,

but then they changed company and, and

- Or a McDonald's bar or whatever.

- Probably. I'll give you one. - Excuse me,

- Chipotle, I - Think that they need to replace that

- Car.

He's not gonna work anymore. Oh my God.

That was a full life card.

- Yeah. You hear that Chipotle? We need a new card. Exactly.

- But you found it in England? - Yeah.

- Yeah. Oh, I thought I got lost.

- That's an artifact. Yeah, it is. Here comes the burritos

- For my grandfather.

Oh, that's terrific.

What's a weird feeling to be grandfather? I

- Don't know what's going on here.

Whatcha whatcha doing? What the shit you doing?

Putting, putting Eardrops in for my father.

- Oh. Look at you. Come a long way.

- You feel that in there, Don? Yeah.

Can you feeling in your ear That in there. Is that in?

Can you feel that in there? Don can't feel it in your

ear. You just

- Kept saying, can you feel it in your ear? Don? Do you

- Want a John?

Want a

do you want a burrito or Jack?

Sure. Fine. I do. You like spicy or non spicy, man.

What do you do? Do you like spicy or non spicy?

Spicy. Non spicy.

- Did Jack know that you guys are coming here? I'm

- Talking.

- Wait, Jack, I spoil you for 9,000 people here right now.

I'm, I'm, I'm just asking. No, I said no spicy.

Actually, I actually don't want a

burrito. I just ate earlier.

- Oh fuck. You know, man, I'm gonna buy two,

one in the fridge later on.

Well, why don't you just buy three

and then just sit out spicy

- Or not spicy.

Spicy. I also realize me too, I also realize that

I have the body posture of a cupid doll.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like my palms are like this

and my belly is forward. Yeah, you

- It's like a to Dr.

Kta. His fucking ears were full of soap, full of wax.

He couldn't, he he couldn't hear.

He couldn't hear a fucking thing.

- Oh, that you were putting in the wax removal? Yeah.

- My, to soften his there.

But the flush his ear, big chunk of fucking

- He.

That's so sweet of you though. I know.

It was really nice to see dad taking care of someone.

I know. It's nice And still hungry for burritos

after all that ear wax.

- I mean, there'd been enough,

there'd been enough hostility,

but when he had his faculties,

it could be a real bus, you know?

- That sounds like it. Yeah.

- He did some fucking bad things to people.

But you know, the guy was Alzheimer's.

- Yeah. - We paid for the state. Stay in the home.

- How did he lose his money? Can I ask you that?

- Bad, bad business deals. Mm.

He was desperate at one time

and sold all artists publishing that he owned

and also master tapes for nothing.

- But he would get, he would get

through money. Like it was fucking

- Yeah.

Like it was water.

- He was never gonna end. Hmm. - So it's hereditary. Yeah,

- It's hereditary in his family. It's

- Everyone's in the family.

Yeah.

- Thanks Don. - Yeah. Really.

All right, we can finish this closing.

- Well - Why don't you just buy three

and then just sit there with this Jack?

No, no, no. I bought two, one in my,

the one in my freezer in my room.

- So he basically said he was gonna buy one

and put one in his fridge.

In his room. Okay. Oh God.

Look at Dad. They don't make them like that for everybody.

Look at Dad

- Loving that burrito.

- That was right on Beverly Hills.

Jack 16, you know all these new clubs that come up.

- Oh, February, five minutes. - Yeah.

The lounge and the this and that.

And he threw up in the lounge one time.

He fucking banned him. Glitz his ear.

He banned several clubs for being too loud and too loud.

Yes. David Knight always used to like, say we were going

to school by and we'd go off and sit in the cinema all day.

I'll go around Woolworths nicking.

- Did you go to acting school? - Which

- One? Kar.

- He conte, you know, I told he,

my head mistress said I wouldn't amount to nothing.

She can eat my shit.

- Was that the same day at Nate Now's or a different day?

Different day. Different day. Yeah. Did you ever get caught?

Never going to school?

- Yeah. Loads of times. Or for stealing? Never for stealing.

But I used to keep the woman

behind the counter busy by asking questions.

Sure. And my brother would be on his knees

putting it all in his pocket

- From the, the counter. What

- Were you stealing?

Chocolate candy. Yeah. Always

- M Yeah.

- And then we used to buy one ticket for the cinema.

And then one of us used to go to the exit

to let the other one in.

And we'd sit there all day

and watch the movie over and over.

- Do you remember any movies you saw while you were Oh

- My - God. Ditching

- God. There was,

- Gosh, look, guns have never owned.

- You did.

Oh God. So that's your brother sitting with you?

- No, - That's Richard Cole. Oh, that's Richard. Yeah.

Okay. Do you still eat burritos?

- Yeah. - Yes. Is it one of your favorite foods?

- No, I don't mind. But with me, when I, when I,

when I find a food that I like, I'll eat

that till I get sick inside of it.

Yeah. The jack the burrito.

- What's the current thing? Chicken

- Burritos. I still,

- Well roast chicken.

Yeah. He is on rotary. Chicken. Chicken.

I imagine you were also pretty tired from going out every

single night until we went out hours. We went out every,

- Every night. Single

- Night.

You are all scared you're gonna miss something.

- Yeah. Fomo. It's a real thing.

- Like, - It's crazy. I couldn't

- Imagine being like that.

If I'm in not in bed by eight 30, I dunno

what my next day is gonna be like.

Well, we saw a spoiler of a special guest

and now she's coming over.

- I see you later. Mom. - Kelly.

- Where a mom? I have a jacket in my car. Bye Jack.

- No, you know. That's fantastic Harry, you're really tired.

Aw. That's why you're acting.

- Oh, what is under there? A dog. Yeah. Arthur.

And don't be a sch and

- Stay out night.

I'm not a sch smart. And I, I hardly go out anymore.

Jackie, you should be going to bed now.

Okay, come. Mom. I haven't gone to

- Bed this early - Since like

- Third grade.

What happened to that dog? Boo.

- Third now and go to bed.

- No,

my phone is ringing.

Hello? Pascal. What's up?

- Great bedroom.

- Great bedroom. No, I'm fine. I'm actually, I'm,

I'm really, really high spirited right now.

I dunno. I'm not gonna work tonight.

I'm, if I'm gonna do anything, I'm

gonna hang out at my house.

- What's the parental status right

now? Hey. Hey,

- Hey - Guys.

- Who's the bench? It's Mandy Moore. Who so cute.

Mandy Moore.

- Who's Mandy Moore? - She's

- An actress.

An actress and a singer. Can you shoot my

belt? Buckle Mandy.

- Nice.

- Mandy's so nice. You're not pretty. She's so pretty

- Still.

That's my new, yeah.

Did you see my sculpture I bought is ugly.

I, this whole thing is just

awkward. Yes.

- I don't like this. Let's get jacked.

That's a cute picture. Oh me. So cute.

You're so cute. That was a good picture.

Call me tomorrow. I will.

- Three o'clock in - The morning.

- What a terrible time to be awake.

- Did you enjoy - That? That was so painful.

- First of all, I love when a teenage boy

picks up the phone.

How much deeper your voice got

because you go, my phone's ringing.

And then you go, what's up? Of course. What's up?

What, what you doing? How did you meet Mandy Moore? We met,

- We usually - MTV.

- Yeah. We met MTV spring break in Cancun.

- Yeah. Nice. - Yeah.

- And then was there like, - No, never.

- No. That wasn't, - We were,

we were just friends. We were just

- Like home.

She said, call me tomorrow. But I'm just like looking at my

brother being like the biggest dog

and she sat there like, he doesn't seem like a to me.

She's so nice. He moved. You look at my belt buckle.

He didn't seem like a dog to us at the time. Truly.

I mean, that sculpture is hideous.

- Yeah. - And to show it off to someone is hilarious.

- Well, it was hr, Geico. Who is that? Like Swiss artist?

- No, I know. But - Yeah, no, it was, yeah.

- But I was like stoked. - 'cause that was like something

- That Hey, moody drew my belt buckle.

- I had like bought. - Yeah, you're just showing her

stuff. Yeah, he

- Showed Jeff. Yeah.

- Yeah. Where is that - At? That belt buckle. That's

- Cool.

- I, he says fuck us first. - No, didn't

- Oh, but you sweet, sweet little Jack.

Yeah. She just seems so sweet as a person. Oh, Mandy. Sweet.

What's the cringes part of this for you, Jack?

- Everything like, ugh. Just so much

- Of it. You're a teenager. Yes.

- That's very cringey.

How about we watch you when you're 16?

- I would hate that. - Exactly.

- But I was a Christian,

so it would be pretty boring. Honestly.

- I don't know. It might be pretty,

pretty salacious these days. Did

- Did you go to church a lot?

So much. And I read my Bible. Yeah. Yeah.

And I prayed every day, all day.

Do you still read the Bible and you gonna save your

virginity until marriage?

I saved my virginity until college. Same

- Thing.

- And then I lost it. Doggy style moving. Wow. Right.

Boom. Wow. Amy, did you hate that dad?

Amy lost her virginity. Doggy style.

She told her, we don't need to repeat it

for dad. This is just

- Flying off the - Fucking tracks.

Let's bring it back. I'm sorry.

We started two hours late

and I flew back from DC this morning.

Could have got a later flight. Yeah.

Thought about saying it was delayed. But here we are.

Let's go. Okay, we'll go back to Kelly's cr. Oh no. Oh. Oh.

And you're gonna be very, very drunk in this. Oh, no, no.

Is this where I fall down the stairs? Kind of.

I mean, you're falling all the time.

I fall over all the time still. Oh dear.

Oh god. More road killer now. The wig is growing.

- He fell on the dog.

- No, - Dude. Yeah, fully.

You're just as drunk as I pretend not be

nice.

He's fucking mad sweet dad.

Nice.

- Don't you still know him?

I haven't spoken to him in years.

- You can buy a car, you stay up late.

You wanna have some water and just get

on the treadmill for a little bit.

No, you always feel better afterwards. Have fun, John.

So one thing I recommend

- You have an answer every

- Single I have an an I do have an

answer for everything. You're gonna say,

- Hey John, I just got my legs cut off in a near

fatal car accident.

- Okay. Work up, we'll work up her body. Then

- Jack - Has carditis.

- No, he shouldn't be hanging around bars. Anyway.

He's 21. He should be at

- He 17.

I've explained it to him a a dozen times,

but it is hard for him to be honest

with me because, you know,

- He's full his shit. Yeah,

- Sometimes he is.

But he, he, he. But it's like I said, he's not, he's not

- Full. Oh look,

- I mean, I know, you know, we know when he's a good dude,

he's, you know, when he's on the game

and when he is not, Jack's a little bit

of an independent guy, so I can't get on him too much

or else, you know, he'll send me back in too.

So. Yeah, that's true. You know, it's,

it's still, you know, still, you

- Know, there the big fucking whip and a mask on and go.

- The chalkboards blurred out again that day.

Go only knows what's on the phone.

- Well, no, because we had, like, we had, they,

they had phone, it had phone numbers on 'em.

People started calling the phone numbers.

That was on the chalk board. I remember.

That's why they, and then there was some

shit on them. Oh yeah.

- Sharon, I love your big ceramic cabbage.

We still have that. Nice, right. That's gorgeous.

We still have the big cabbage.

- That was Tiffany, wasn't it? Tiffany

- Cabbage.

Yeah. Oh, wow. I love it.

But Kelly, that was more than alcohol, of course.

Oh, it was everything. Oh my God. Everything.

But Robert seems like fine. Like fine kind of together.

No, he's like, shut the fuck up. We're gonna get in trouble.

Yeah. But I'm like, ridiculous. Look at me.

You fell on the dog. Poor Arthur. Oh no.

Well, and why do I have more roadkill attached to my head?

Like, where is it coming from?

- What happened to this dog? This white one?

Arthur, we got given away and

- He lived a long time. He's a rapist.

- Yeah. - Yeah. He, he was a cat that comes up later.

- He was a cat rapist. - Look at my, my sock color.

That the big cuffs are back too.

- Yeah. The the big cuffs. Yeah.

- Oh, the worst. Had you had a trainer before? Try

- This?

Yes. Yeah. No, he's

- Been, because he says he'll get rid of me too if I am.

- Yeah, no, no. I He didn't wanna push

- Jack too far.

- Yeah. He just kind of, I was just how many?

Two I, yeah, I, he would always try

and get me outta bed and Yeah.

It just, I'm, I'm not a morning person. I'm like, I, I,

- Yeah.

- I'm not a person that can roll out bed.

- But you are now. - But I don't roll

out of bed and exercise.

Like, I have to get up. I'm up.

I have to be up for like three.

- I hate that. When you gotta get And you still a bit sleep.

- Yeah. And you instantly start exercising and your body's

- Not awake.

- Ugh. I just never got used

- To.

But then legs on, I've lost the urge.

- Yeah. There's a sweet spot for me for sure. Yeah.

Having been, yeah. I wait

for like three hours then I like to exercise.

- Didn't you say they weren't supposed

to film you in your bed? I,

- There was never a written rule

that they couldn't film me sleeping.

I would just go mental when they would film me sleeping.

- Yeah. It's rude.

- It's fucking rude. Don't fill me sleeping

and eating. I'm going to the toilet.

- It's rude. Rude. I mean, it feels private.

I don't know. How long did you stick with this trainer?

- We were, he was my trainer.

- He could go and come, come and go. Yeah. Yeah.

- Was it your - Idea there?

There's another guy called Pete.

- Yeah, there was. So he worked for a guy named

Pete Steinfeld whose daughter is

- Haley Stein Hailey Haley Steinfeld.

- Oh - Yeah. And his brother was body by Jake.

- Yeah. - Oh, I know. Body by Jake.

What a throwback.

- They'd come and do a few exercises, make,

make a, a living.

He'd gather, he'd get up at like two in the morning

and start training people driving

around their houses till what? 11.

- But was this a punishment? No, no. No.

Oh, you wanted to have a traitor. Yeah.

- I just wanted to like, my mom was like, you need

to at least exercise occasionally

- If you're gonna drink a gallon of liquor every night.

- Yeah. Basically. - That's a good idea, Sharon.

- Sweat it out. - You're trying, you're trying,

trying little steps, you know.

Well, let's hear some solid parenting advice from your dad.

Oh God

- Darling.

You know, I, I understand your predicament, but

- You can't, you're like, do you, I

- Should go a hundred percent there away.

You can't darling.

You know, you are going to spend six, six months

or taking your, whatever they call it, Cola,

what is it they call it Chemotherapy.

- You schmuck. - Oky calls it

- Oky. Hokey.

- So Darlene, you've, you've got to, you've got to

take it easy on yourself.

- You know, they have this line for abused children.

If children are getting abused by their parents, there's a,

an emergency phone number that kids call up.

- Go on. - Kelly called it one time.

So listen, listen,

- You are fucking, she called up, you trying to wind me up.

- She called up this emergency abuse line

and she said, my mother has just smacked me.

And so the person said, why did your mother smack you?

And she said, because I told her to go suck a donkey's dick.

- Suck a what? Dick?

- A donkey's. Dick. Donkeys. So the guy on the other end

of the phone said, your mother was right

and don't call her again and hung up on her.

So she was pissed off with him because he hung up on her.

Yeah. I think that there should be a parent abuse line

for abused parents to call for when the kids keep having

to go a parents,

- You know, all I can say to all this is,

thank God there isn't a fourth one.

It's funny.

- That is funny. - It is very funny.

- Did that happen, Kelly? Yeah. The story's much worse.

It's worse than that. Yeah. What I said to my mom was worse.

You said something worse than suck a donkey dick.

We're not gonna repeat, repeat it, but it was worse.

And I'm sorry. And then your dad goes, suck on what dog.

And then you say it again, A donkey dick. Suck on

- What?

But, but there his accent doesn't sound that northern.

- No. It kind of seems to go in and out. Yeah.

- Yeah. - But you more with it there though? Yeah.

- What did you think of his advice?

Enough said.

- Enough said. - What do you mean?

You seemed like you're being polite.

Taking his parenting advice. Yes. To begin with. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And how much can you do? I mean, you're in bed.

What, what point

of the chemo were you in at like, beginning? The beginning

- She, oh, I'll never forget this.

She finished the chemo. She,

I haven't lost that much weight.

Oh fuck you. You remember?

- She's still saying that today.

- Oh, you just couldn't tell. Oh, I had, I'd lost a load.

- But you look good. - She always looks good

- Shape that colon cancer looks good on you.

- Thank you. Thank you.

But she was also saying things to comfort all of you.

Which was probably another thing like that, that she

- Gets I saw her getting bullied.

- Yeah, - That's horrible.

- She'd come by in front of the chemo

and she'd be like, speedy.

The first her eyes would be like beat, like beating.

And then as the days went by, she fucking go down.

And he was so horrible to see.

- I bet. I re I remember your friend

Michael Jordy, or my Michael Jordy

and we were at the house in Malibu and I was throwing up

and shitting at the same time.

And he happened to come into the bathroom at the time I was

so embarrassed.

- Aww. - I mean, no dignity. It's fucking

- Weird.

- I got, I went and got comedians had come around.

I put him at my cheer so bad.

There was a, and she send me up to do gigs.

I, IIII was so full of fucking,

because I hadn't known anyone to survive, you know, cancer,

cancer, diagnosis of cancer.

Evident everyone died or know.

It was such a fucking heavy thing. I walk around and

- Was it hard for you to stay in bed that first kind

of speedy day after treatment?

Because I know in a future episode

- You're like, I - I'm going out. Yeah. Yeah.

- You're crazy. First Sam Taylor Woods.

She said I twice I went, fuck.

She was one of, she was one of the first people I ever met.

- Survive. She was the first person that I ever met.

And Kelly met her and she came back

and she said, mom, I met this really young lady

and she had colon cancer and she survived.

And we were all like, really? What's her tail?

- Yeah. Also during this time, you're not supposed

to have the dogs in the bed.

No. And people are supposed to be masked in your room

and wearing gloves.

But Yeah. Lost cause

Can you imagine saying anything like that to your mom now

even suck a donkey dick.

No, I would, I would never in a million

years think to say that to my mother.

Now, I mean, I,

- But you were, you were,

you were a young awkward child. You were,

- You were. I was awkward.

- If your mom said black, you'd say why?

I mean anything you'd, you'd go off at people

- Just, it's a lot of just telling your family members

to suck a dick of some kind. Yeah.

- But it's just rebellious. You know?

It was the rebellious beer.

- Yeah. Rebellious. What's some, what were you gonna say

to us

in England?

You can drink, you can have a beer

or wine cooler if you tea.

It's my justification.

- We know what I'm trying to say is we're not in England.

We're in the United States of America.

You also buy land and the law in California and it's 21

and every time you drink, you break the law.

And if you

and I keep on telling you, there is only so much stuff

that your mother and I can, can protect you from.

Once you go out with that line, you're,

you are fucked a burrito.

Oh, I heard you're still eating your

burritos three times a day.

Twice as though I'm burrito. Man, another nerve.

- You father can't eat one burrito.

He has to have 900 burritos.

- Great little office. Huh?

Burrito with change. Fuck it out. What are

- You doing?

I tore my hair back when I'm eating with my burrito.

Hey, get away from my fucking burrito. Little busing

lie

- Down up smoked

some good dope then

- What's that?

He said he smoked some good dope. Then

- When you smell the weed, get the munchies.

- Oh yeah. - Oh,

what the fuck is happening? There's

- Getting the shits because of the burrito.

He said the burrito's done me in. He

- Said he had to go lie down and then you hear down,

- I mean Chipotle - On first slow.

- It tastes amazing when you're high,

but then you have to shit.

And that's what happened. And that's a fact.

- Little ganja burrito.

- That's a medical fact. I'm a doctor pretty much.

At least I'm a therapist.

Like he would just get the munchies

and then he'd feel like a burrito.

Yeah. Did you do this a lot?

Justify your behavior with with the laws are

so fucking stupid.

But at the time I must have thought that I was so right.

But like what, in England you

- Can have a beer or a wine cooler at this age.

- I'm like, well we're not in England.

Nothing makes any sense.

Well also you're being enabled by all, like none

of these clubs should have been serving you guys.

No. Well you do try to get tough at some point.

Sharon, do I lay down the law once again? Where's the shot?

I, but it hasn't worked yet. It's a fruit.

Listen endeavor because we were such little assholes.

- Gotta do what you can. - Mommy.

Mommy is Robert in with you? What am I wearing? Yeah.

Is Robert in here with you? Where are you going?

It's so late. It's alright Mom. Kelly, please go.

I can't, can't help it. Robert. Mom coming out. Not late.

I'm only going out like an hour. Wayne do not let her drink.

She's been really sick. Bye mom. Love you.

Daddy ski and have, oh that bag was drunk.

That what? Handbag. Oh,

- I can't sleep.

So I thought I'd come down and clean out the fridge.

Bloody open Coke. This is just awful.

Ah, September 18th. Jesus

- Christ.

So it was the fall.

- Look at the cat. Kelly's really partying too much.

And she's tired.

She's bad tempered and she doesn't feel good.

So I think I've got, I

probably 20 days left before she's 18.

So I'm gonna enforce my 20

days left tomorrow.

She's gonna be tied up.

- Life is, it's nothing but one big love. Oh my God.

Fico. You do. And find that you I'm not good here.

Good to go. You're good to go. Good to go.

And you feel like a on

and your heart goes ring dink ring ding.

Hammer ring dink.

We not even in bad Jackson robot mode that seemed

to be commonplace right into

space without any warning.

Dunno if it's morning.

My We're having fun.

- Fell on Cisco's head.

- I mean, everyone's fucked up. Do you know that?

I had no idea that this was on the show.

- Really - No idea.

- I had no idea. - I kind of, I am kind

of now understanding some of the opinions of us

that people had.

- Yeah. - Like which ones? I

- See like, I'm having a really nice time though.

- Oh, your, your pupils are fucking dinner plates

and your buttons are all the way down to your belly button.

- Listen, at least you two weren't fighting. Yeah,

- No.

On that scene. Know we had a great time. Time.

I never were even given each other a drunken hug at one

- Point.

Yeah. No, but oh, I love a teenage boy

who just really thinks his chest should be out.

Yeah. Like no, you're a child. What was that

- Necklace - You had on

- Necklace? Yeah. I,

- I don't even skulls.

- No, it was like a, I forget what it is.

I found it recently. Really? But yeah,

- That did just like open up Pandora's box

of memories for me though.

And made me realize that like regardless of

how inappropriate it was and our timing was terrible

because mom was so sick.

We really did have a good time.

- It was fun. That was a lot of good times

- As you were in bed.

- Yeah. - It seems like a good time.

It's just poorly timed. I

- Don't know if we were No, we weren't fair.

No. Do you remember that time when I ate a shit ton

of magic mushrooms and came and told you?

- How did you deal with that?

- You, she was terrified. She's like, huh, what do we do?

What do we do?

- You just ride it out. Did like right with

- You?

No, no. That was another, that was another,

that was another scenario in which I was on. Yeah.

- Oh my God. Tell us about the outfit. My outfit. Yes.

- The fit. - Another creation.

It's another one of my creations, you know,

and the hair is also roadkill.

- But wait, hold on. That's Wayne Joffey. Hold on.

Time out for a second. Here.

This, see this is where they would like

screw up with the edit.

If you can see, look at the socks and what she's wearing.

- Yeah. - The scene in the beginning when she

comes in drunk,

- I'm wearing the same thing.

- You're wearing the same thing.

- She is. Yeah. - So I think

that they just got it out of the, this is

- Just out of order in the scent that I came home drunk

and then we went and drank more in the guesthouse.

- Yes. Yes. - Okay. Well it looks great.

I mean I will say that I wish I still had that bag

because that bag is gorgeous.

- What is it? - It's a Christian Dior saddlebag.

It is stunning. That is a really cute bag. Stunning.

But you had just short hair and then you would just stick.

My hair is literally like four inches long

and chunks on willy-nilly.

Willy-nilly, you know, make it work.

- Chunky hair extension. - Did you get tough

for those 20 remaining days?

For teenager? Remember? But you

- Remember there was - Something.

I know I had a talking too.

- Yeah, I remember there was something.

- Well it worked, but did, yeah.

Did anything change once you were 18? It just was all worse.

The same. It worse. It got worse. Got worse.

'cause then you're like, I'm an adult.

Oh yeah, I'm going out. You said you were like, don't

- Tell me what to do.

- I thought I knew everything. Suck a donkey dick.

Why do you bring it up again? Well, I don't know.

It's funny. It's horrible. It's not my

- Family.

Would you have told your mother to suck a

donkey dick at 17? I

- Said some pretty well I currently talk about my

mother's pussy on stage.

Oh no. Yeah. So she's very patient with many things.

Does she know about this?

Yeah, she came to see me a couple weeks ago.

- Oh, and you didn't drop that joke from the From the

- Set.

No, no. You pushed it further.

- You lean - Because she was there.

It was mother's day and then oh my god.

It's about how I was conceived. Really? Okay.

- Immaculate conception. Right, because

- No, because she got raw dogged.

Yo. She got what?

It's about my mom getting raw, dogged

and cheating on her husband.

And that's how I came about.

- Whoa. Wait, you were, you were upid

- Daisy.

I'm cheating. Cheating baby. Yeah.

- Whoa. Oopsy daisy. - I know.

- Oh wow. - Here we are. It

- All worked out.

Fine. Special. Did your mom then find religion?

- She's only found it recently. So why

- She's gotten - Older are, were you such a

Christian for structure?

Probably. And comfort. Yeah. Okay. Oh no.

My parents were like wild, wild, wild. Oh,

- Oh - Yeah. So you willingly on my own.

- You willingly did it on your own.

- Yeah. Okay. Well let's see if Jack can get up to workout.

This time

- Is so good.

Everything. I wish I could be.

- Love her. Nothing

gets me pumped up.

Like some Ben Midler. Love that. Mid cardio. Loaded.

Loaded cardio.

- Jack. Hey Jack.

- Poor guy. Poor John. - Jack.

Jack

- Did.

- Had he locked the door - I'd

I'd probably locked the door. Yeah.

- Smart - Jack. He's just repeating himself.

- Really liked to a - Lot.

You gotta, I'll, I'll get you a bottle of water.

Just sip on the waters. Cody,

- I've got that interview on the phone. On

- On the phone.

- She's holding on. I just hang up 'cause I was sewing up.

- Get a bottle of water. - How?

How is this

- Legal? I know,

- It's just, - I

don't think it's, hi Sylvia.

Sorry I'm the worst drunk in the whole entire world.

- That's Jude. I - Really, eh,

because I don't remember anything

and I, all I know is I'm violent and I'm mean.

Okay.

- Well do you know what that tells us? Cal

- To drink?

- Yeah. - I'm not doing

- Anything.

- Why didn't we clamp down?

It'll be something with Fred and Wayne.

No, I can't go out Mom.

I think I will die if I go out another night.

- You need some nice bacon and a roll with some butter.

- Shut - Up

- Mom.

I think I'm gonna throw up again.

- And have you seen it when the butter melts

into the ketchup? Ma,

- Please be nice to me.

Look, I've got green eye shadow on there too.

- Oh yeah. Can. - Perfect. You need a nice fried egg.

- Some nice pink sausages.

Oh no ma, I'll fucking throw off again. I'll be back. Okay,

- We're start on the treadmill.

The rest. The rest is a surprise.

I'm gonna walk Where the man,

- Yeah, I'm gonna walk strong foam.

I feel like they're about to pull off. Okay.

How time you get up? 1130. Have you go to bed?

Three two B. It's a late one.

- Listen, when you have your buddies over on the

weekend, this is the party man.

It's right here. Okay. Alright.

- Give my words. I've

been pottying for like a week.

Solid. So my bones need to rest you man.

- Sharon, I love how much you're torturing Kelly while she's

hung over by the way,

with all the food talk nice pink sausage,

- Bit raw, you know, - Great looking me nauseous.

- I know Ozzy. How did we ever,

- We need fucking our A what did I

goes our A cake.

- Why didn't we cla down? Daddy's talking about

- Us.

We were allowed you to go and get fucked up every night.

Yeah. If I'd have come on like when I was a kid your age,

my old man would've, I would've gone to the hospital

to get his foot outta my ass.

- You definitely threatened that a few times.

- Yeah. - Yeah. But can

- You, but you also have to remember like

you were on your journey.

- I can remember Shannon coming to bed one night.

She said, I'm gonna go and sleep with Jack.

I said, why Mark? She says he's breathing.

He's really shallow. Aw.

- Mm. - But fuck Oxycont.

- Yeah, it got it. It got progressively darker after this.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Like it was like the first, it was like

that first summer right when the show was successful.

It was all real fun and like, and then it just like it got,

- It goes from fun to not fun.

Yeah. But I wanna make one thing clear.

It's not like we were like having family drug parties.

Like I've never drank with my father.

I've never done drugs with my father.

Have I stolen his drugs? Yes. But I have never,

- Yeah.

Like we had friends. We had friends that would like,

they would like think it was funny

'cause they did like coke with their dad. And I'd be like

- That's so weird.

Yeah. That's dis We were all on early individual journey.

Oh you didn't even smoke weed together?

- No, no, no.

Nothing like that. We wouldn't do anything together.

- I mean I think you're doing very well.

All things considered, huh? Hanging in there.

Celebrity kids.

It takes a turn from fun to bad

and then doesn't bounce back a lot of the time.

- That's true. If only we had Jesus,

- I could have helped you. You

- Could have helped us. You

- Could have helped me by introducing me to drugs earlier

then I wouldn't have to do them now.

- But it is also, and I know we've been saying this

for the last however many weeks,

but the, it is a much different time.

- Yes it is. Yeah.

And I think it's illegal now to show minus. I

- Know.

Getting fucked up all I know.

- It turned out okay.

- You should have seen what it was like in the seventies.

- I know - It was way worse in the

seventies. I bet what you

- Mean.

- But like Yeah, with people, young people.

- Young people, what they would get up to and do

and the lifestyle.

It was mu And especially in this town, it

- Was so relaxed When black 77 coach, we got

through so much of that fucking cocaine.

- There were, they used to be, you wrote

- A song about it.

- There were girls in the rainbow of 12 years of age

that used to go off with all the bands.

12, 13, 14. It was like, that was like, and

- People didn't try to hide it.

Nope. Because it still happens when people try to hide it.

- I mean it was weird that the rainbow, I went

to the rainbow one time and you could go two birds

and four grams of coke selling Coke and

- Out the kitchen. Smart.

- I mean, you know, you - Gotta

- One stop - Shop.

- Gotta lean into that extra revenue stream. Good old days

- It seems like, 'cause you say that you,

- It's still there.

Okay. That's been there a long time.

- Yeah. But everybody

that's in there is our age and it's sad.

It's very sad. It's very weird in there.

I haven't been in there. Isn't it kind of like

- I haven't been in there when it is operating as a

- Let's go.

It's re it is.

- We're gonna, we're gonna do the Osborne Media house

company retreat to the rainbow.

- What's - When we stop last

- Time I would like to do I I wouldn't mind

just popping in one night.

Just have a look. Oh

- Yes.

I went just after Lemi died. Yeah.

To visit his little stack.

- Mario - Was a video machine.

- No one's there. - Well

- Yeah, Mario was fucking great.

- Michael, Mario and Tony - And Michael.

- No Lemmys like video poker machine or whatever. Yeah.

The statue is weird

because it's all sponsored by Jack Daniels.

Yeah, it is like, it feels very gross. Yeah.

It's like Lemy Daniels. Yeah.

Although he was pretty good at drinking whiskey

until he was very old. They passed

- Smoking it out at the funeral.

I'm sure when you went into his funeral you got a

little bottle of Jack.

- Sharon and I often say we miss him.

He was such a great character, such a good guy.

- I used to harmless. I used

to see him in the most random places.

I'd be in like the far off corners of the world somewhere

- And Lemy - And I would run into Lemi at the

weirdest places

- When in Japan song.

Take me to his fucking dressed. No.

Play me all these recording don't I've Enough to sit there

and fucking listen to it All

- I've seen, I've seen you do that

to people though in the past.

Oh yeah. Yeah.

- Now there's an odd like Yeah.

One musician alone

or one professional wrestler

that seems really cooked up out on the patio. It

- Was near the statue - Saw.

- Yeah, - There's one.

- But usually it's Taurus.

- I think back then though, it was like a big deal.

It was all the Cypress Hill guys would go

- There.

Yeah, yeah. Well you really want the family

to have a night in.

So this is what was the last scene in this episode.

And and grandpa's gonna go back home

and you've finally convinced the children

to have dinner with you.

Oh,

- Isn't it nice Kelly?

Do you remember when you got off the school bus

and there was a guy throwing water on you?

And I caught him and I went on the bus

and I said to you, little bastard, do you remember?

- Yeah. He was like the biggest grossest kid you used

to get caught masturbating in the bathroom all the time.

He was disgusting. And she took his back,

- Waking up in the bathroom - And used

to bring porn on the fucking

- Busch into - And

- Just like sit back there and just look

at porn. He was the

- One with the housekeeper

with the gold cheese fell out window.

She was like Master P with an eight

- There a man.

- It's just one fucking,

- Don't go my food.

I'm a fly. Don't you shake yourself in

- The head

- Eating a burrito.

- How many days have we been on the burrito?

I'm turning the coffee Mexican now.

- This is the last burrito. And

- Why did we have a dumb fish in a fish tank?

Who would've brought that ugly fish?

Is it real fish they used to sing?

- No, the The fish. There was a little

- Goldfish.

- Yeah, there was a fish tank. - Oh,

I thought you were talking about that.

Singing fish. No big mouth Billy Bass. Yeah. Take

- Maria.

We got it from a truck. Somebody came on with the fish. Yep.

Somebody came on with that fish and it lived forever. Yeah.

Who did? I don't remember. Was it Jack?

- I'm mul. I do not know. But we kept it in the kitchen.

- It might have been me, it - Was Kelly

- It, it might have been me. Do you remember its name?

- I dunno. The circumstances. Oh, she got the fish.

- God only knows maybe - Malibu fair.

- Malibu fair. - Yeah. Yeah.

That's, that feels about right.

- Wait, why do you call this kid Gorbachev?

Because he literally looked like Gorbachev.

He, he was a kid that looked like Gorbachev

and then he was jerking off all the time.

Yeah. In the school bus. At school

in, in the back of the bus.

- What a great nickname for like a, A kid at school.

Goby. Gorbachev

- Van was always on that school bus having a go at some.

- Do you remember the name of, do you

remember the name of your school? Bus company?

- Van Gogh. - Yeah. Genius. I did like what a

- Great, and they were vans that would pick you up.

Oh my god. I remember we had this amazing bus driver named

Ms. Webb who used to call us little motherfuckers

and she'd let take us to McDonald's.

She was right. Yeah. Every day.

And basically we had this bus driver named Ms. Webb

and she would call us little motherfuckers

and she had the longest nails and she would drive us

and take us to McDonald's.

And I loved her because I was always hungry.

And what none

of the other bus drivers ever did anything like that.

And one kid.

And it was oddly enough, the kid that ate the most went and

and told on us and she got fired because of it.

Oh no, you didn't get to go anymore. No. What a snitch.

I know. And it wasn't Gorbachev? No.

Gorbachev was just, I think Gorbachev went on McDonald's

and exp expelled.

Jerking off for jerking off in school.

They moved him to a special school. Thank you.

That's a relief. A jail, very special store.