Original subtitles

- All right, we're back for episode four

of the second season of the basement tapes.

- Oh boy. Just keeps trucking along. Just a,

- You excited? Are you pumped?

- This is turning into like a, not memory lane,

but like memory, like interstate

- Memory vortex.

Yeah. Memory hellhole.

It's about to be Oh, for,

because you know what we're gonna watch?

- Yeah. I was pre-warned,

and I think this may be the single

of most embarrassing. No,

- I remember you were pissed when this came. This was like,

- Really? Oh. Because

- It was like earth shattering what they did,

- Because I felt like it was so mean.

Mm. And you really liked him. Yeah.

When I was little, I was in love with him.

And it was the first time I, I had ever felt like

that about anyone.

And I, I think that that stays with you forever in some way

because you compare everything to that.

Yeah. First love

and first crush, it was just like,

I think I would've dumped me too if this came out about me.

- Aw. Is that why you dumped you?

- I mean, it's probably one of the many reasons. Yeah.

But didn't he later say that he

- Really regretted it and you, - What did he

- Yeah.

There's some, according to the internet, which, you know,

he said he was very regretful

and you were the best girlfriend he ever had.

- Wow. - And that everything was better when you were

around and smelled better,

- But, - Which really made me laugh. Is that what he

- Said? He's a singer of a punk band.

- I mean, that's the quote that's again on the internet.

So, grain of salt, but, oh, that was nice.

That's very sweet. Yeah. Yeah.

I think we should just dive right into this tender moment

between Father Daughter.

- Oh, - Before we get to the boyfriend.

- Okay. - Little cold. Open action.

- I couldn't believe I fucking looked.

The fucking Bone channel.

Come on the fucking tv. The Bone Channel.

- Kelly sucking us again. We

- Have porno on the TV in the hotel.

- Big - Time and

- Fall on. Babe,

- I thought you actually had to buy the

porno on the TV to have,

- Of course.

You fucking, I've You bought porno off the tv.

I pressed the wrong fucking button. Lie, lie, lie.

You dirty bastard.

What's, what's a single lonely man? You

- Are not single.

No, not fucking lonely. So shut

- Up.

Oh, that told you.

- The old, the old I accidentally hit the wrong button

to excuse.

- Were you watching The Bone Channel? Ozzy?

- Sometimes. - Yeah. Hotels get boring.

I love your outfit. And I love, I'm noticing, remembering

- That like, once you watch one, you send 'em all

because they're all the fucking Z.

Exactly the same. True.

And you, it's like a ridiculous fucking scenarios.

- Do you know what I was thinking about in the car?

Speaking of porn on the way over the Bone channel?

That we were so famous at one point.

They even had fake porn of us called Diana. Oh, was PAs.

- He asked PAs. It was, - Yeah, it's a

- Good name.

- And he was like, he was fucking,

and I always doing this and

- It's disgusting. Whack Osborne.

- All the staff are getting laid welly.

- I - Mean, I'm going, fuck you. No, very creative.

What the actual fact I watched. It was like you watched it.

Watch the Osborne, the whole thing.

- I love that he watched that

and has never actually watched the real show.

- Somebody brought it to me. Melinda was the worst.

Melinda was getting fucking everybody.

- Oh, poor Melinda was bringing porn to everybody.

- No, she, they depicted her in the porno

and she was just like the worst Did

- See that come slept.

- Yeah. I remember seeing like a little bit

of it when you guys had it.

- I mean, it's fucking nuts. It just in reality,

- Huh?

- Things don't, don't that like, that don't ever happen.

- Yeah. You've know, you know, you've made it,

when they make a parody porno out of you,

- They can now it can be ai.

- It's true. - You know, it's not too late.

A new SSPORs 2024.

- God, I don't think so. Yeah. No one wants to see that.

- That would be - The definition of I saw a guy, it was,

it was married to a porn star.

- I'm sure you knew several guys that were with porn stars.

- How could you let your wife go and do that all day

- And then come back?

How is work today? Everybody

- Has to have a job.

- Yeah. That's, you gotta be a specialist

that's called a beta male

- Or someone who likes money

and someone who's good at fucking,

- Yeah.

But like, I don't know. I think you gotta be a real,

- What about when it's flipped?

- Oh, what's the thing called? Same life, half the porn.

It was fucking nuts.

What all these different porn stories, men

and women not talking like this was nothing.

- Look what happened to that guy.

He used to hang out in the rainbow all the time. Well, John,

- Ron. Ron

- Jeremy.

Ron. Jeremy. Yeah. Oh yeah. What happened to,

- I really - Feel like was in jail. I was out in prison.

- I really feel like we've kind of left the reservation just

for the sake of time and, and the edit.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna try and steer us back to the tv.

- Okay. Well, what have we learned today?

- Dad likes porn,

- But would not be married to a porn star.

- True. - And neither would Jack.

So this is all really helpful information,

I'm sure. Down the road.

- Yeah. - Speaking of Dick.

- Oh, - Oh dear.

Some are shaped different than others, right. Kelsey?

- When you get like a, you keep saying

that this was like an actual fact

- When you, you, this was actually not real.

- Okay. - It was a made up story by my mother and brother.

- When you get like a, what is it?

Like a Crue plate and there's like broccoli

and celery and

- Carrots and - Is what?

And cauliflower. Do you gravitate to the cauliflower? Or,

- Oh, alright.

I think we better watch it.

Let's get, don't you Amy? We talk about that.

- Just see. Wait, Kelly. Oh my God. Oh my God.

I've done what? Why do I call him? Why are we all in my bed?

- He throws up on stage. Kelly,

- You know his nickname is in the band. Kelly.

- I don't care. - Cauliflower dick.

Wait, did I give him that?

- Yes you did. Yes. I dunno.

I think it means he's got a fucking how much show up

- And Lola.

- Seriously, because Virginia, what? What is it?

Virginia. Venereal Disease. Venereal. Thank you.

Why do I keep thinking fucking Virginia?

- Why are we all in my bed?

- I not going out because that was normal.

That's zy not going out.

Anyone with a dick like a cauliflower?

- Maybe he's got a deformed penis.

Oh, what if you have a penis?

Like, just, just happened

to look like a car. Cauliflower. Never

- Fucking shut the fuck off Shoes.

Disgust. You dunno. This person look.

No, you didn't get g What's on your hands from touching

cauliflower to cat? Serious Kelly,

- You can get it from kissing the

- Fuck - Sake. Mark.

- This is so painfully uncomfortable.

- I love that you started it and you just ran with it.

- I just, - I never knew that you started it.

I thought I started it.

- I thought you started it too.

- Yeah. What was it about?

They said that Kelly's boyfriend had cauliflower dick, but

- We still don't - Know cauliflower dick.

- Yeah. Yeah. - I don't know if I made it up

or if someone actually did tell me that. I don't know. But

- Unless you say one more time in case you didn't hear me.

'cause you're always talking over me.

I never had a fucking chance

- With who?

- Anyone Look at what?

You you fucking annihilated him.

- Oh, - You

- Did?

So it's not okay when it's, you get annihilated.

Meanwhile, I'm getting,

I'm getting told I have dicks in my mouth all day.

- Yeah, - But that's different. Regular dicks

- Regular.

Sorry, not cauliflower. They don't clean

- Dicks. They're not cauliflower,

- But, oh, you never specified clean or cauliflower.

You just said, do you want help with

that dick in your mouth?

- Wait, but were you upset when your

- Mom ran with with it? Were you No,

- I did run with it.

Jack didn't. He's the one who, to

his face later if he has a cauliflower.

Did you? I ded. What did he say? Oh my

- God. I couldn't have

- Done this.

This is so painful. You are you sure it was me? This is

- So painful.

- Yes. However, you were undergoing

- Chemo, so you have an excuse.

- It's - True. Oh

- Yes.

Yeah. That's my chemo brain and I'm sticking to it. God,

- Chemo brain is a thing. Poor, poor bird.

- Do you feel like no boyfriend you brought over ever

had a chance to just

- Not did Cauliflower Dakota not,

- No, he didn't.

- I dunno. - We're notation because Jack made it up.

Jack made it up.

- I, that's it. Allegedly was told.

- Well, I like that you say he has two nicknames and one

- Is real.

Well, he's a cauliflower dick.

What's the other, what's the other

- First you say?

He's called Puy in the band because he throws up on stage so

- Much. Yeah.

- And then you say, - Okay, so maybe that was real then.

- I don't know what the fuck I want.

- Maybe that was, maybe

that was like his like nickname. I don't know.

- No, that was, was like,

you understand the scenario, right?

No. Kelly had this boyfriend. What's

- His - Name?

- Bur Bur who? McCracken. - Bur McCracken.

- Yeah. - And what do you think of that name?

- Kelly? You could have been Kelly McCracken.

That sounds like a, that sounds like a pirate. Chuck.

A fucking bar. It's the dread pirate. Kelly? McCracken.

- McCracken. I'm sorry, Kelly. He's gonna a Brooke or Phil?

Phil McCracken.

- Again, it's most, I'm sorry for my family.

I'm really sorry for them.

- My burger cracker is brother, Phil, Phil,

me, bill, and Phil.

- Phil and Bill mcc. He's a Scottish mason.

- Alright, can we see some of it? Let's go.

- I fucking love, I'm doing anything.

I don't like being really, really

busy, but I don't like not doing anything.

- Do you Story watchers all go white as he goes along.

- What about when you cue somebody?

Like aren't you scared that No,

- He's, her boyfriend doesn't brush his teeth

up. He puke. So,

- So is he actually a boyfriend

or you just, I had to make that up.

I know who you husband

- That, that's Kelly's cone ice cream on a plate. Like a

- McCracken a c, - So, oh,

- McCracken.

- Kelly McCracken. - I like the name

bird. I think it's really nice.

- Phil McCracken.

Oh, put some ice cream on this and then eat it.

- That's such a fat kid then.

- Well, if you nurse, I'm a fat kid.

You know, Jordy called me today just

to tell me he was disgusted about it.

- Jack called the person from his record

comment just to let him know

- You.

No, he wronged me and said, what's going

on with Kelly and Bert?

I said, she's, he slept over and I think they could, he

- Slept over.

That's news to me. Slept over where?

In the spare room or on the couch? I hope No.

Slept in the hotel. Slept what hotel? In the same bed.

Is he one that you call up

and go, hi, it's me. And they know who it's,

- That's the extent of my musical abilities.

- I still have that somewhere. A

- Message if you want.

- That is so annoying.

Even now, Jen, I don't fuck

with your musical career.

- Hello? Yourself again? I could have. I could have.

- Here we go.

- Wow. We're really going for

it. It's half again

- Every fucking day.

- Oh, you're like, you've turned up.

- Stop fighting. Let me give you a bit of warning here.

This will end in fucking tears.

I suggest you fucking stop acting like a

pair of dicks right now.

Pair of dicks. Stop. Okay.

- Got - The banana up us bend over. Bitch.

That's a waste of food. There's people in

Somalia who would die for a banana.

- Pretty - Epic sibling fight.

- That's pretty bad - Every fucking

- Day. I

- Mean, we were fucking around.

That was us playing.

- Yeah, we - Would like fucking fucking

- Around playing. That's

- Cute.

- Every goddamn day

- She would say she was gonna shove a banana at his house.

Afternoon and night. It was fucking endless.

- They little fucking know.

And you are undergoing chemo at this time

and they're just going fucking nuts.

- Well, we weren't going. We went onto chemo. She was

- Is this why you were in your room with,

with the curtains drawn?

Yes. Yes, exactly. For some peace.

How many times had Bert slept over?

- He didn't sleep over at the house ever.

I slept at his hotel. Okay,

- Who was that? Phil?

- Which one? Bert McCracken.

- Oh, his name. Phil's Phil. Now Phil Phil's.

Phil MCC Phil's brother.

- Yeah. - Philbert Phil.

We call him Phil

- Ozzy.

Did you ever get worried about Kelly dating musicians?

- I never knew she was. I was too busy.

I never into Fergus, you know,

- He was too busy arguing with the ocean.

- I don't my conscience Bread by Moby Dick.

- Oh wow. Intellectual man.

I didn't know he was just reading books while you were,

while you were dating these boys and bands.

You guys are fucking weird today. I'll just say that.

- That's fair. - Kelly's in shock.

You seem I'm in shock because it's so horrible.

- Kelly's like, I don't know where this is gonna go.

- I Exactly. Exactly. I That's why I'm

my, I'm saying fucking worse.

Does it get worse? Does it get worse? Ah

- Ish For some people.

Better for others. I don't know.

Well, aside from the cauliflower dick too, it was just

- Start friendly.

- Yeah. - But at the end of it, one

of 'em would take it too far.

And that was when he would fucking, we would go from fun

to being over the top.

- And that's when you come in. - Yep.

- Right before that.

You come in right before that. Try to stop it.

- What happened when I, as soon as I left,

she picks a banana and fucking sizes around me.

Kitchen with a banana. Yeah. Think my, my

ranty didn't do jack shit.

- But there does seem to be as always like an one piece

of you being protective.

Like, 'cause you're like,

this guy told you he loved you right away.

Like that seems very sudden.

You know, like you kind of have some good advice eventually.

Aside from the cauliflower dick, how old was he?

You seem concerned. Cow. 20. But you're almost 18.

- Yeah, I was like days away from being 18.

- Yeah. Okay. Which comes up later in the episode.

There's a lot of other things going on in the world,

aside from Bert.

Thankfully you get a little relief for one scene at least.

- Oh boy. By the look.

I mean, we were gonna be at war by by the end of the week.

Because, because boy, she's calling the, the United Nation.

- Join dad, push call United Nations.

But tomorrow he's addressing the United Nation.

- He says he's he's gonna gonna, he's gonna,

- No, I'm listening.

Very political. I consider myself

to be a very political person.

Okay. I have a question.

Wearing a psych ward shirt saying, I consider myself

to be a very political person.

You're a woman. If you did get to go

to war, you sit behind a desk.

- And what am I wearing? I straight out

of like a style training.

Excuse me. Women.

- Wasn't there a woman court in the,

when they went into Iraq last time there was a woman held,

she was a fucking went to Korea.

Excuse me. Women fly planes, helicopters, everything. Yeah.

But they're not on the, they're not

- Talking on the front line.

- Yes they - Are. No, they're not done.

And they're not gonna, women in a trenches like five horny

guys, they've got a change.

- Women do just as much as men in the eye.

- No. Fuck off.

- Thanks for trying Sharon. We appreciate it.

- When they get captured, first thing they're gonna do is,

there were eight fucking guys. Rape them

- Back to rape. No.

- Oh my God. How are - Your It's a very rape heavy day.

- You - Were raped quite

- Fast. Oh God.

- Help me. - We need to bring back those psych ward shirts,

- By the way. Yeah, I think so.

- We to be sat here with them on Do

- You, do you know something funny?

So when I got sent to re when I went to rehab

shortly thereafter, I was psych warded.

I, I brought that shirt with me and I was wearing it

and the, the paps were like hiding

around the treatment center and took pictures

of me wearing that shirt.

- Oh God. - And it was like, oh, he is in a psych ward.

- Because that's how it works. Yeah.

They put it right on your back.

- Yeah. - Paps were fucking terrible. Terrible fucking.

So I didn't give a fuck what happened to you.

As long as I got a picture.

- Yeah. Yeah.

It's pretty dark to visit someone at,

read what visit's not the right word

- Off. Yeah,

- Yeah, yeah. You just start

- I bounty hunters.

It's cruel. Whatever's hot that week.

If I can get a picture of what's, what's going on, I'll get

in a precarious position.

- Why do you only have one shoe on?

- She's comfy. Well, it's, it's a sign. Huh?

- Where's my psych cord shirt? We

- Should all wear just one, one shoe.

- It's - A

- Sign.

- It's a sign. - The Gord,

- You, you have several of those shirts in this show too.

- What? The psych ward - Ones? Yeah, psych wards, jails.

Like, there's just a lot of, just

- Yeah, it was the vibe.

Incarcerated uniform maybe. 'cause I was a prison.

I was in prison in my own mind. Oh

- My God.

Okay. How, I love that you're yelling,

you're very politically minded in this scene.

- But while I'm wearing a cycle,

- How were you politically active at this time?

- I, I definitely wasn't maybe thought I was.

- That's what I figured. - Yeah.

No, that's, that's Well how politically minded can a

16-year-old really be like, realistically,

you might think you are, but you're really not.

- Did you enjoy that break

- From talking about work when things went wrong?

Oh, it's over. Yeah's over

- Now.

- Hmm. Things took a dive. It always came up to you.

- Oh yeah. So do you just good source

of, you know, comfort.

- Comfort - In it. She listens

- Ish. Depends

- Who's - Around and tell you don't wanna bring your

boyfriend over to the house and then she will not have it.

Kelly, please.

- He's not coming over here.

Then you are not going to Salt Lake City.

And you're not 18 yet. And you have to do what I, oh

- My God.

Are we back in my bedroom? We are.

No, we're in the office. I also

- Live like a skinned

hair. Are you real hair?

- I have not. Some of it - In the,

- In the gate?

No, it was in the office.

Why did you put those on your knees? What the fuck?

I was bored.

- Do you know what the funny thing is?

I actually have that tattooed on me off Hotel.

- Hotel. I told you he could. The smiley faces.

- Yeah, he has them. - Oh, that's so cute.

And because dad will sit there

and be like, you, you mess around.

Oh, that's so cute.

- She'll, who's that? The nurse.

Oh. It's a, a puff pastry case back

with the remote top and bottom.

And you put in it just one, either a ring

or a bean or a tiny little figure.

Presumably the Christ child

and the person who gets that piece of cake

with, with the ring in it.

Fucking now, man, it's fucking horrible.

- Were you watching like the cooking channel?

- The baking channel? - The baking channel. Cu

- Baking Bread is I think what he calls it.

No, not wrong.

- You put them in the same category

as Jack fucking Cousteau.

Huh?

- Texas O is a bigger cut.

- Was that a real, was that your real hair or wig or both?

I think it was like real hair

- Extensions, but it,

it really did look like I killed a poodle.

- Well yeah, you look very like you're going

to the sock hop like in the early sixties.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah. - The whole look is very like

diner waitress.

Thank you. That's what I was going for.

I believe it was the look of the time.

Well, earlier in the striped pants. I'm like, oh yeah.

So much of 2002 is just kind of dressing like Beetlejuice.

Yeah. Like everybody sort of looked like Beetlejuice.

- Yeah. Especially with the hair.

- Yeah. Or diner waitress. Yeah.

- Scene kids - Was there.

Did you feel like Bert didn't wanna come over also

because he didn't wanna be on the show?

- Think, I mean, I guess rightfully so.

'cause he didn't, yeah, I don't think he wanted to

be a part of the madness.

That was our show. And not that he,

- See he was in a band roll.

- Yeah. But that - Used, I did do Did he do good?

- Yeah. Yeah. They're pretty big. You going see? They're

- Still going.

Oh, I don't know. I dunno

- Either.

I think they're, are the yous still going?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Kelly did. Didn't he move to Australia?

- I've never heard of - Him. He was on your tour.

- Still haven't. No, I - It's not too late.

We'll play it for you after this. I'm sure you'll love it.

- I have so much to say. But please,

I'm just gonna keep it to myself.

Please. I'm just gonna fucking keep it to myself.

You have the floor. I would and then it

- Be, it's film Kraken and the Spa Gang.

- How is this torture coming back again?

You guys decided to do this show? It's true.

- But you are the therapist. I just, that work.

How is this happening?

I am not a therapist.

You guys opted against a therapist, did you?

What? Did you meet Bert?

- Yeah. Mom just goes to me,

she goes, I don't think I ever met him.

And I said, you're about to see yourself meet him.

- You sure did. But she had chemo brain.

- Mm. - Okay. She gets to say whatever she wants.

There is a lot of talk in this episode about

how much you wanted to marry him.

You're saying this

- Because I'm a psychotic child.

- Yeah. You're a kid. Yeah.

Did you really feel that you might like be with him forever?

- People get - Married at six.

- No, I can't. - It's

- Just popular people.

How old did you get married? 27. Oh, okay.

That's still seems for young

- Boys.

Eight. Married, 21. Hey horses for courses.

- What does that mean? - It's like, you know, a horse.

You know you need a horse for every kind course, you know?

- Oh, I've never heard that before. Is that an English term?

It's very English. Oh, I'm sorry. Let me get my tea.

Okay. It's here. What's in that cup? Sharon?

Tea Promise. Yeah. Promise.

We need something stronger next time. I think.

- I think so. I think maybe I do.

- Same. - Well, I'm sorry Kelly,

but you did really wanna marry this boy.

Did I?

- In a couple months. I'm going to Vegas

and getting married just for the hell of it.

I'm, I'm telling you, I will get married in Vegas.

I'm not kidding. I know you will Kelly. I'm serious.

I'm gonna marry someone before Christmas. I'll do it.

Kelly, how excited. Who that have a good wedding?

That Wayne. Oh, that is Wayne. I'd love it.

- Wrap. No, that's Wayne Kelly's soul friend. I

- Don't have the baby.

Guess what Dad? I'm gonna get married

before Christmas. I'm just

- Wondering.

You guys, you just keeps walking. What did you say?

She goes, Kelly goes, guess what dad, I'm gonna get married

before Christmas and you just go, good for you.

And you just keep walking. Fucking channel.

- I know. What's the bread bag?

- Bread baking channel

and these two fucking old Cs fucking

breaking baking fucking bread.

I'm clicking it. These two gritty

and fucking, I'm fucking, fucking homemade.

- That was the kind of flavor of the month

during this time period.

- Smoking P, - You were smoking pot, you were drinking

and you were hammering Vicodins the holy trinity.

- Maggie. Maggie. And he's toxic tongue.

What's with that hair? He's not a moment. He

- Will cheat on you.

- We, I tell you how much you pissed me off.

- What time is your That was after fucking lie. Okay.

I'm going to the airport to,

- We gave him to a stylist.

- What time is your friend coming in?

If you don't tell me, I'll give him a hard

- Time.

What the fuck is that? I do.

- I'm seriously not kidding you.

I'll get up and I'll leave you if you embarrass me in front

of him because it's not fair.

I would as if I mom do that.

You're gonna start talking about dicks and vaginas and sex.

I sat there like I am not, I'm just,

- Martin is the background on the computer

- And what's that?

How many times of day do you shower?

Do you brush your teeth? How many times? Rehears.

How we do partner? He's

- Called cauliflower - Day mom.

I told you that was made up

because that was the first thing I asked him.

Thank you. What's this? What's

- About Bert - Said you've never had a girlfriend.

You just have people that you have sex with

that are all really gross. Well, you know what Kelly?

- See what I do is this is the whole scheme.

So you have girls you just have sex with

and you have girls you are close friends

with you don't have sex with.

So then shit doesn't get complicated.

You still have good friends. There you go.

You should try that one on size.

- I missed that. What was - That? Yeah.

I really did not get that. Doesn't make any sense.

That's just something that you've made

up to justify what you do.

There are girls to have sex with and girls should be

- Friends with.

- Yeah. - Oh, Jack, that's

- Very vin estate.

Oh, I'd like you to know that.

You know Kelly has already seen and touched his Wang.

- No one. Is it green? No.

- Is it green? The fuck.

Why would you ask your daughter that?

- Oh seriously. You need, I'm saying

that Kelly's boyfriend is more than welcome in this

house. Anytime.

- Yeah, I understand that. He's just not sleeping.

Here he is.

- I don't fucking blame mom and dad for that. Yeah.

You, any motherfucker who's been dating you

for three weeks comes out saying, I love you.

Needs to fucking head check.

- That part's true. I think kind of sage advice.

- Were you drop, was he dropping LBOs on

you? Three weeks in?

- That's what you would say

several times in the episode that

- He, it was a very intense, very shortlived little romance.

- Ah. And teenager man.

Was it fucking love that burns twice as hot.

Lasts half as long.

- Yeah, but I, you're instigating this fight too.

A little bit Sharon. Me.

But you're like, what is it a green dick? No. Have him over.

Why would she wanna have him over

after this? Well,

- I hadn't met him.

- Right. You're both being protective but also shady.

- Right. - But you don't get really give jack much shit.

Where, how did you feel about him sleeping

around at this time? So openly

- Sleeping around? My boy wouldn't do

- That. He just told

- You He did.

He was just making himself look big

for the camera. Is that true,

- Jack?

- No. - No. Sure.

- You were broccoli dicking all around town.

- Yeah, he was broccoli dicking and asparagus

and fucking he was bro.

Dick, Dick. You named the whole, whole, like I said, acru,

acru to tea, fucking dish.

- Broccoli - Dicking.

It was like a fucking farmer's market.

- So tired hearing about this cauliflower dick.

Okay, let's get to Kelly being so in love.

- Why did you do that? I dunno.

Like the neighbor, he's gonna changing Beetlejuice.

- Why did you birth on your

- Butt?

He has to change that name. It's Phil.

Phil. It's meant to say Phil. You

- Should have but Phil.

- Silly. Isn't Nick kk, ie. Or NI? KK Y or N-I-C-K-I-E?

- No, it's N-I-C-K-Y.

- Nicky. Someone named Nick. - Shit,

- I'm leaving now.

Bye. Oh, the house Intercom. That was before texting.

I know Intercom. Kenny's gonna get married. She's

- Planning on marrying his boyfriend.

- Forget it. If you get, don't even go there.

- But this guy keeps writing her that he loves him.

He's gonna marry.

- Stop fucking worrying about Kelly

and what she worry about.

Don't worry about what's, listen,

what do you gotta worry about?

He is getting through today.

- Mm. - It's all you gotta

- Worry about.

Sound advice. Sound advice.

- Live these days with the fullest.

Don't worry about gonna stop worrying it.

Creating more problems than it is.

I just caught myself on the fucking door.

- Oh, Kelly, who was Nikki that you were buying a gift for?

- I, I think that was Nicole. Richie,

- Do you know what you bought?

- No idea. - Something from Tiffany. I

- Know a picture frame.

I think it was Oh, nice. That I got her for her birthday.

I'm not entirely sure.

- Sharon, were you actually worried she would get married

or worried that one day she would elope

and not tell you? Is that the bigger fear?

- I just thought that Kelly was so

unpredictable, impulsive.

I thought she might get married as a joke

and just think nothing of it.

Not thinking of consequences. I was afraid of that. Yeah.

- Did you guys actually talk about it? No. Oh, you didn't?

- No. - Okay.

- No, no, no. And ironically, like

marriage is something that I am absolutely like, oh my God.

No, I,

- Yeah.

But as a teenager, I mean, when you're in love,

it's just so intense.

- It is. It was very intense.

- Sometimes when your family want

it, it makes it more intense. Yeah.

- I was so innocent as well. Oh. And

- Juliet.

- So naive

and just a little girl that

thought she was a big girl

and thought that my love was bigger than anyone else's.

And my feelings were more powerful than anyone else's.

And it, it was just puppy love.

- Yeah. Oh yeah. Let's see.

Jack and Kelly being sweet little kids.

Oh no. I'm scared. It's stop.

- Shut Jack. Don't hit me. No, don't look. Kill it.

- God beat me up. Kill me now.

This fucking madhouse is fucking driving me fucking crazy.

Is this screaming at other

- Miss This Corona?

Yeah. Whole fish.

Where are all the bruises on his back stage? Miss.

Cool. Like it's a regular Mitch Buchanan. Yes.

Maggie. That's an awesome pool.

- Aw, bless her.

It's just, do you take a piss? Yeah.

So he's about to, when he was just checking,

there was nobody around.

- You are just, you're about to take a piss.

- So he can't wear my hat. I was wearing the other day.

The IP in pools. He, he does not pee in pools.

- Just outside of it. - Yeah.

- I love that hot tub too.

That's the first, I think we've seen it on a,

it's like a little grotto.

- Yep. - Little playboy mansion. Grotto.

- It was an awesome sort. That was like the best pool.

- Good time. Had a water slide, a hot tub. Jack with your

- Friend.

Oh, lady friend. Every worked great, didn't it?

Yeah, it was awesome. And it would heat up like

that. It was great. Oh

- Yeah.

The dogs liked to go in it. Oh they loved it.

- It was the good life. - Okay, let's get back

to Sharon being once again worried

that you're gonna elope with Bert.

I mean Phil. Phil Kraken. Phil. Yes.

- Man. Holy book.

- It was on my balcony for years.

I think we're all waiting for Bert to appear in this house.

Oh crazy. Come on.

And if I was him

and I was dating somebody's doctor, I would be

- Polite.

She lived up. They all hide.

- Especially as he says he loves her.

Wants to marry through a drive in wedding and babies.

I know.

- Could you - Call your mom please? I'm at home.

Kerry, call your mom

- Jamba Juice. I

- Dunno.

Oh, I just spoke to her but I didn't ask her where she was.

She's just,

- Could you call - Her for me so I can see?

Talk to her. Sure. Sharon. Mine too. Thanks.

- Hi girl. - Oh,

- Where are you?

Okay, because Collin's here.

I wonder if she was coming over.

Alright, so when are we gonna see,

- How - Long ago is this?

- 23 years. That's okay. 22 years ago.

- Okay. And love. Will you call me when you're coming

- Home?

Look, we'd had to fuzz out the whiteboard at this point.

- Yeah. I wonder what - Was on it.

I don't think she's coming home. They've checked.

- Oh, we had to fuzz out the the chalkboard

because of like there personal information on there. Just

- Love you mom.

See you.

- I thought I was Oh no - More baking.

- Which they eat cu - Bake bread.

Oh, it's the two fat ladies from

- England. Yeah.

- They were called - To show two fat.

What ladies look is a big giant Turkey just on the counter

- With all those dogs.

Boyfriend is

- It?

- That's Hama Superstar.

Okay.

- Oh God. There's Bert. Is that Bert? Yes.

I'll deal with this fucking Burlington.

But are you not coming in to say hello to me? Why so shy?

- No, that was Phil that came in. No idea who that is.

- Come on. Do you like Kelly - Des book?

- I do like it better. That's pretty. You got fucking

- Tourette.

- Much, much better. What time's the show on Saturday?

- It's, it's an all day show festival.

It starts at like new holy color. And what

- Time you go on?

- We had the last band. We probably for like eight.

Yeah, we had a headline. We're so excited.

- I felt so sorry for him.

- Okay. Where did this cauliflower dick come from?

- Oh my God. You fucking

- Share him.

I honestly don't remember doing that. You don't?

- No. Well, you had a good time doing it. I

- Did.

Oh, annoyed ter. Huh? No

- Wondering.

- Thank you - Dad. Oh dear.

I feel sorry for him now. He was so young.

- Like I was a baby. I was a baby.

And like that was fucking

awful. I feel like, here's what I think

- We should do before this episode.

I think after we finish it up, we should record something

- At the beginning.

- At the beginning. That we play the beginning.

- Yes. - And we just all say and amend.

- Sorry Phil. - And we will. Yeah.

- I ain't saying sorry for fucking shit.

- No, she got broken up with you. Say sorry.

- Okay, well alright, calm down.

- Okay. Okay. I'll say sorry to Phil. I agree with you.

- Yeah, I think we should. Yeah. Mean

- Me being older, not wiser, but older woman.

I should never have done that to him.

- Oh, you do. - I know.

- Do you remember why it comes up later?

You're very jealous. You Ms. Kelly.

- Well - You say mom.

Mom looked at him and asked him

where the nickname Cauliflower Dick came from.

- Oh, fucking hell - Sharon. That was fucking naughty.

I know.

- Maybe you should write - Him very naughty. Write him.

Get out of here. Send

- Him like a little direct message on Instagram.

- She send him cauliflower.

Do you think kids threw cauliflowers at you? One stage?

- It haunted. Like, I honestly like Does this

remind you of something?

No. It like haunted him. It did. Really? Yeah. My fault.

- I'm glad we're all punishing him all

over again. By the way.

- Well - Dump my daughter. He deserves a bit stick. Okay,

- We're we're all talking about something that happened 22

- Years.

- Two years ago. - Well, he's still a cunt.

- A car. He's actually not. He's actually a really nice guy.

He's got a lovely family. The last time you sweet.

Last time I saw him was when Dad

and him were playing the same show place in

like we were filming Scratch Point.

Well Detour. Do you remember? And dad had a random show.

- Was it the one in Florida - Before Florida?

- I don't remember. - And anyway, let's move on. That

- Was the last time I seen him was high in the scene when he

was finally meeting Sharon.

Or just nervous. He seems a little,

- I would think he was, was nervous.

I think he'd be shitting himself.

- Yeah. - It's so new. Who wouldn't

- He - Probably married with kids now.

- Exactly. He is. - Good luck.

- Okay. Okay.

Oh, Sharon, do you notice on your bedroom door, this is sort

of interesting now, post Covid, but that

- Printed sign warning. Yes.

- Yeah. Don't enter without gloves and a mask. Yeah.

Because you were sick and it was like, yeah,

I didn't wanna pick up germs.

Yeah. Even though then you're going all around

- The house.

Oh, she used to break wind. Like,

- What's that?

- She used to break wind regularly.

- Oh. From oh fun. What? No, I do not.

Just, just, dad doesn't do that. Just move it

- Along.

Dad loves to tell people that Mom farts a lot.

- She, I - Do. You do.

- I fart. No, you love, you like to say that

- About me.

I know. I do love to say that about mom to wind me up.

They just love to wind me up. I love thinking about mom.

'cause she's goes, I

- Don't honestly think I do.

I do not. I always not think I've ever heard my wife talk.

- Never - Lies. I have never, I have never.

She doesn't, don't, Jack. I've never heard her. She's a

- Queen.

- I don't have a memory of that. Oh, you've never heard me.

You are you out of your

- Mind?

- You've like farted like eight

times since we've been in here.

- I've heard you. Yeah. - And Amy barely knows you.

- I do. I have, I do have the confess.

I do love telling people that mom farts a lot.

And there it is.

Still like, wait, she gets joy from me

because it is. She's so funny.

- Well, she's getting revenge - For these.

- Yes. Yeah. Tell me about that cauliflower dick days.

Well, let's see why Sharon did not want you to hang out

with Bert so much.

- Oh, - I'm going

to make a Yorkshire gingerbread.

Nice. Gingerbread. He

- Loves them Now.

I really hurt my feelings there. That comment you made.

I knew you were jealous

because my time is nearly spent with you anymore.

But I, I just wanna let you know that you would face,

never say that about Amy's boyfriend in front

of her. I'm jealous.

- You're afraid. I'm sorry

- Mom.

But don't do that to me. It's not fair.

It's like a big mind. Fuck Mom. You gotta stop doing it.

But it is easy to settle.

Send him out is let's get the way it was before.

No mom, you've gotta understand.

Husband have empty nest in the way it was.

I don't lie mom. I still have that mom.

If you listen to me, tell him to I to talk.

Who that behind you? No idea. No idea.

I've gotta stay. This, this to me.

I wanted to go Mom.

Mom, if you want me to spend time

with you all you have to stay.

Is Kelly can we have lunch

- Today?

Said, I don't know. Oh, the chair's got dead.

- Please don't leave me if you break him here, get on mom.

You're meant to be with Robert. Mom. That would be incest.

Kelly. Be truthful now from the heart. He's a little funky.

He doesn't smoke. You just say that

because No, he smells of cigarettes and booze.

- Does he smoke? Kelly?

I don't know what's wrong with me,

but that the smell of cigarettes

and booze on a man is something I still find attractive.

- Oh my. No. Cigarettes and booze. Similar issues.

- I'm fucked up. I can't help it. I like it. It's,

- Well, you grew up just, I used

to smell cigarettes from Boo.

- You never really smelled a cigarette.

You never It was booze.

- You could smell boo - Weed. Maybe Weed.

Weed sometimes. Yeah.

- Oh, it's fine. Weed.

- I love this scene, Sharon. It's so cute.

You finally just break down and say, I'm jealous.

Did you really want her to be with Robert?

Did you catch that in this scene?

- I - Did catch

- That.

It was, it was, it was just a joke.

I mean, Robert, Robert at this time was living with us.

- Yeah. - And it just kinda, it was just a,

they were friends from high school.

It was just like a running joke.

- You just wanted to hang out with her again. Yeah. Okay.

Moving on to I, this is more, this is more

- Trauma for me.

- It's, I mean,

you'll see it's really more trauma for birth.

- Anybody, I, it's, I watch this and I'm just like, you.

Poor, poor thing.

Like you, he never had a chance in walking.

- It's interesting. Walking still

feel so much empathy for him.

But it, but at the time broke

- Your heart.

But could you imagine you're a guy

and the world is saying that the one thing

that is the most important thing to you when you're a guy,

and correct me if I'm wrong, is your dick.

And every single person

in the world is now telling everybody

that you have a cauliflower dick.

And I can't imagine. And he's not bad. Yeah.

And like how mortifying that must have been for

- Him.

It pretty fucking harsh. Not gonna lie. Like it was harsh.

- It's, it's not right. He was a little stinky though.

Let's be honest. Right. Just a little bit.

Like in a young, I was, I said funky.

- He did smell like booze and cigarettes.

But I like that smell.

- I've also been with some men from punk bands.

Don't wanna shock you. Not a lot of teeth brushing going on.

- He was okay with that.

- Osh. Oh, that's, did you kiss him Sha?

- Yeah. Did - You Mike? Sorry Bert.

- This is just - Painful,

- Painful, - Painful,

- Painful.

Let's, let's just move this along.

- This is just getting more painful, more

and more painful. This is it.

- This is, you know the last one.

This is just trauma bonding.

- You've been ignoring your mother.

Don't tell me you are going out

with bur too. I couldn't stand it

- Saying that to Minnie.

What did I say? You've been ignoring me too.

Don't tell me you're gonna be going out with Bur. No.

- Oh, well Kelly, fuck up.

Bur as a mother, I think she needs an older, wiser man.

Life is for living.

- Smoking my pretty spot.

Kissing my rabbits.

If you've been missing

- The best of habits, go find yourself.

It looks like he is like, and you'll enjoy the future.

Oh, that was when you were doing your music video

And start to live.

You know Kelly's mother's daughter,

she likes skies and bands.

Leave it up next time. I,

- He seems like a nice boy with a normal dick.

A healthy penis.

- Do you two have anything to say?

- I mean, yeah.

Sorry for starting the cauliflower dick rumor.

I can't, I don't think dad liked seeing

him all over you though.

- I thought it was sweet.

But you don't remember meeting him?

- No. So you're just - Mad now

- Ever actually past the cauliflowers,

- Like meat, meat

- Dad and bur? I don't think so. Yeah, I don't

- Think they did. He wants

- That.

No, they did. At your

- Wedding vows.

- Wedding vow situation. - Huh?

- Did they film that as well? - Yeah, we

- Did.

- He was - All out.

- Everyone the entire city, city was out of it.

- Oh my God. - There wasn't like a STO person at a hundred

mile radius after that potty.

- I just like to say to bur,

I apologize.

I was out of order. He was only a kid too.

I just don't know why I asked him.

- Yeah. I mean, I may have just said it in like a flip

flippant comment, but Yeah.

- Why does he, why are you so bothered by him?

- He upset you. - He broke your heart at the time,

- Kelly. Isn't that true?

- Yeah. I always like

my personality and who I was drastically changed

after that relationship.

- Aw. - Because it, I was just so, just lost in feelings

and didn't understand

and it, I lost my innocence, if that makes sense.

Yeah. Like I wasn't like just a, it took your

- Virginity.

- No, he, no he did not. - Oh

- See, - That's enough.

I hate this car. I hate this episode. Let's move on.

Let's scrap it. Yes. So Bert, which camera?

Bert, I am terribly sorry for

declaring you cauliflower dick.

I really have no idea where I got that from.

And I'm sorry that this has haunted you for 22 years.

- Mr. McCracken. - Mr. McCracken?

I'd like to say I'm apologize.

I was definitely out of order.

But remember I was on chemo, so I'm using that as an

- Oh.

Minimizing. She's minimizing.

- I'm using it as an excuse.

I should have known better than to embarrass you on film.

I apologize.

- And Kelly, just so you know, according

to the internet at least, which again, grain of salt

and a couple of interviews, Bert is very sorry.

And he loved you very much. He said you smelled great.

- Thanks.