Original subtitles

- Everybody's got their beverages

ready for For another. Yeah,

- We do.

- Ready for more Oie Dive back in.

This is a fun one 'cause it's very like promotional stops,

like promoting a record.

We see a little bit of Jack's like upcoming label

- Dreams. Short-lived

- Forming.

- Yeah, it was, it was a moment in time.

- But we're gonna start with - What?

- Record label. - Yeah, I remember I was gonna

- But you were, you were working as an intern.

- Yes I was. I was working at Epic Records and then me

and some friends were in the process of starting,

- Weren't you working at Virgin two?

What is that?

- I, I'd stopped working at Virgin to go work at Epic.

- Okay, we're good. Hair looks great. Yeah.

Perfect. Thank you. Beautiful.

- Fly as fuck. - Beautiful.

This is a perfect intro

because this episode starts with you styling Ozzie.

- Oh, look at that

- At all the fucking time. Do you like it?

- No. I think you know when you see like monkeys in the zoo,

like fucking with other monkeys and

- Like social grooming.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of that. You

- Can't help it though, right?

No. You want them to look their best,

but he doesn't always agree with your choices.

- No. - Okay, let's see that.

- When you were a kid, did you think you'd be a rock star?

I wanted to be a plumber.

Are records actually. Like I know. It must have been a

- Tuesday.

- Please Sharon. What the fuck you doing?

I'm standing up at stripper with no clothes on. Dad, do

- You want, do your dad - Be so please

get it.

Let's see what's on the board.

Let's see what's on the board.

I don't like this.

- Shut up. I don't like it. Okay.

- Oh - Mom, that's a very Ricky Martin coat.

You can't give very

- Ricky, but it's actually a really nice coat, Sharon.

That is a very nice coat. You would wear that today. It like

- Ricky Martin's on the day

off. I'm not gonna wear this fucking

- Wait.

Can wait. Can we talk about the guy on the ladder, right?

When dad said you think I look like Ricky Martin as day off,

the guy on the ladder, like turn around

and look. Did he? Yeah. Look,

- He, he looks a bit like Ricky Martin's on the day off.

- He is like, yeah. Weren't all those paint in there?

I like the jacket.

- I like that. And you would wear that jacket today?

I would. A good threequarter. Very nice. Do you

- Like it now?

- I've got one. - It's very shiny. I will say. It's

- Very nice. Satin. It's

- Gorgeous. You ask.

- Not feminine look. Is it

- No rock star?

Look at he's asking the cameraman. This one.

You're asking the cameraman. Doesn't he look handsome?

Shut the fuck off. You're gorgeous. Oh,

- That's really nice.

- Dad. Well, - Kelly got the boot on still.

- I fell through a manhole in Hollywood Boulevard. Drunk.

- She fell through a man's - Hole

- Or this one.

- She was always accident. Pro Kelly was.

- Do you guys still tell each other to shut up?

All the time. All the time. All the time. Yeah.

Shut the fuck up. Yeah.

Ozzy, did you really wanna be a plumber

- When I started out?

- Is that true? Yeah.

- Would you have been, would you have been Ozzy the plumber

or John the plumber?

- I don't know. - Rock and roll instead.

This time is very fun

'cause we kind of get to see you like going, oh no.

Like people know who I am now. This is weird.

Like it's sort of the beginning of like,

- Oh is it - Going to these appearances and yeah.

Let's see. Let's see. A couple

of appearances that you do with Ozzy.

- 10 motorcycles. - Oh, oh,

- The stretch limo days.

Fucking, I hate these fucking questions.

Fucking remember else. Watch.

Where did you get a fucking stretch? I put like a dick.

Oh, look at min fucking pimp video.

- Look at mini mouse. - Hate the fucking thing though. You

- Can't turn up to an instrument.

- Yeah, but Sharon, I mean I don't like the fucking thing. I

- Well we didn't buy - It.

I know, but I don't like it. I don't,

I don't like traveling the fucking

- Look at the ceiling.

It's like Kelly's bedroom.

- Oh, wonderful. We live here.

- Kelly. What? I didn't know

how all these people know my name

and I'm just like, I, it's like I get really shy.

You better come this side

- Because this is the side that they draw.

Pull up on. Hold on.

- Slip not shirt. You see that? Alright, Kelly.

Keep people touching me. I can't stand

- Guys

Tower records.

That's not there anymore. I

- Miss tower records

- When we were fab.

- Do you remember that day?

I do remember that day very well.

I remember feeling like a bit weirded out.

- Were you laughing? 'cause she was weirded

out? Or you think she's full of shit?

- No, no. I was just laughing at Kelly's like,

like humble brag

- Shy - Her like shy, humble brag

and just how like young she was being

like, I'm just, I don't know.

It's just kind of weird.

- It seemed genuine to me. Was it

- Not?

It was, it was. I, I do remember. I remember that in store.

Why was it I there?

- Yeah. Why were you, I think you're out of town.

- Mm. - I think, I think we might find out. Where were

- You?

Interesting. I, it may have been when I had

my field trip at school.

- Do you know what else I'm noticing about myself

that I think it, that I, I quite like is

that I have like no makeup on in any of

- This.

- I was just - A Oh you is incredible.

- Like I was just a 16-year-old kid being a 16-year-old kid.

I don't know any 16-year-old

that would let anybody see them.

That's a girl without makeup on now.

- Like it, I hardly had any makeup on all the ones we've

watched so far.

I didn't have any makeup on.

- That's fucking changed now. Kidding.

- Well - I have to fucking hold it up with something.

But you're right, it is also of the moment.

- Yeah. - And then the TikTok teens love makeup.

- They really do. And - Then they look oddly like

older a lot of the time. Yeah. Like you're like, are

- You 35?

I'm me some of these influences

and I think that we are of the same age.

- Yes. - And then I come to

- And they're 19.

- Yeah. - You know what's funny?

- And I'm like, oh my God, I'm so old.

It's, and they're filled out and Yeah.

- You know, it's really weird that you say this.

I was, some video came up

and they were commenting on like a video

that like Emily Ach Choki or whatever posted

and she's talking about being, and she's talking about being

single at 32.

I'm like, you look like you're fucking in your late forties.

'cause you just had so much work done that that's the thing.

These y young girls are having all this fucking work done.

And they look way older than they are trying

to look younger than they are.

- Yeah. - It's the weirdest thing.

- Yes. She's the one with the big ies.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. And people, yeah.

Getting a lot of fillers. Very young.

- Yeah. And - Then it looks like, oh,

you must be an accomplished, accomplished woman.

42-year-old with an income.

- But yeah, no, just an OnlyFans.

- Once again, I just keep in my own fat

and then I'll stay young forever.

It's cheap. It's cheap.

What changed before this appearance?

Was it the cribs episode?

- Yeah, we had, we had done cribs and me

and Jack had done a few things with MTV Spring break.

- Yeah. - So Ozzy, did you notice right away

after cribs that then people recognized the kids?

- I-I-I-I-I was oblivious to I I was doing gigs.

I was going, you know, I didn't really notice it.

- He was on the road. So - Right

- When all this was blowing up, he was gig to gig, hotel

to hotel and wasn't really tracking any of it.

- But during appearances like this, then all

of a sudden people are going, Kelly, Kelly Kelly,

- What the fuck?

She got there before me.

So I, I was doing my thing, you know?

- And we'd never been the sort of family that goes,

oh my God, guess what?

We've got this. We are doing this.

And you know, so many people

- You down and tell and

- You know, not gonna say

how many people watched it. It's just like, okay.

- To be honest with you, any one

of 'em gonna be kidnapped, you know?

They don't have security. Yeah.

- That is interesting. I feel like everyone has

so much security now.

All the, even comedians.

I'm just like, who's coming after you?

- You know, bucking insane.

There used to be this guy, it's,

that would drive on the weekends to my parents' house

and stand outside

and scream how he was going to, can I say?

- You can say whatever how you want.

- He was like going to rape me and do terrible things to me.

And he was screaming on the roof of the car.

And then he would like, make himself vomit on the car.

And we'd all see it on the security camera.

And he got arrested a few times

and like crazy.

Like really crazy shit happened that you just, that's

- Scary.

- But yeah, I think for anyone though,

that becomes a celebrity.

There's always, you know, the people who are your real fans

and then you get the crazies.

- Remember that woman that followed you from England?

- Yeah. - And

- Then, and then she was outside,

- Outside my dance rehearsal.

- No, it was the greatest thing ever.

Mom had this stalker from England

and she like would send call up the office

and she was like, oh, I'm going to Los

Angeles to see Sharon.

I called our UK office.

- Oh. - And they're like, okay.

And so it was like, Hey, she's in la. Watch out.

Mom's driving through Beverly Hills and stopped at a light.

And the psycho just happened

to be walking across the street right in front of her.

And mom's like hiding behind

- Gun it the wheel.

Yeah. Yeah. And, and then I come home later on that day.

She sat outside the house. So scary people are not well

- But you, but you had met her enough to where you were on,

like first you knew her name.

Right. And like, well went

- To you knew who she was because I went to a show.

I went to the opening of Wicked in London

and it was a charity event.

And it was advertised that I was going there

to represent this charity.

So people knew I was gonna turn up to the opening.

And I go into the ladies' room of this theater.

She's in the toilet.

- No, - I swear to you.

- Horrifying. - I know.

I was like, I was quite taken back by it.

'cause it was only like a small ladies' room, you know?

And I'm washing my hands and she comes out of the stall

and I'm like, shit.

- Did you ever sit any of those people down

and say like, Hey, she stop it.

- Yes. - Go off.

- I called her and I said, look, what do you want?

And she said, I wanna be your friend.

And I said, you can't be my friend.

You know, I'm, you're a loser.

- Not a loser.

But like, you can't, you can't, you cross the boundary now.

So I think you're a crazy person. So we can't

- Be friends.

It couldn't be, you know, I said, I thank you for, you know,

all your support and everything, but this can't happen.

Yeah. You know?

- And did she go, she went baby reindeer on you?

- Sort of. - Because I've heard that's

what Dolly does is she'll just sit someone down

with all her security

and say, Dolly Parton will say like, yeah, what do you need?

What do you want? Yeah. From me. And you have to stop. Yeah.

And usually it works. 'cause they get a moment. You was,

- That guy was fell in love with that years ago.

Yeah. And he shot her when she come in.

- I don't think, was she a newscaster?

I thought she was a young actress.

- Well, that was, - Well she was, she was. I

- Mean, Selena, that's like the,

the prime example of this. Yeah.

- So many. Yeah. - Selena, there was, she was

- The Oh - Yeah, yeah,

- Yeah.

The, the sink

- Club fan. Club

- Secretary.

Yeah. The fan club secretary got her so sad.

- She, she's dead man walking right now.

- Who - Do you, have you not seen all of the stuff?

- No, she out. - So she's going to be out.

I think it's at the end of this year

or the beginning of next year.

- Oh. - And she better leave that country.

You know how Selena with all, like, she's,

she's like queen of queens.

- Yeah. - And she literally,

because all the gangs love her music as well.

- Okay. Killer. - There's like,

there's already hips out on her.

- Wow. And there's - Being a documentary made about

it right now.

- She's like, can I just stay? And her release.

- Yeah. Really? - I like it here. Yeah.

Like, no, no. I'm just gonna stay.

- Before we get back into it, Sharon,

why does Ozzy hate a stretch limo so much?

- He says it always reminds him of a pimp.

- You hate - 'em. Oh, I hate them.

- You said it reminds you of a Hollywood cocaine pimp,

- But that's kind of what you are.

- Wow. - You were straight Hollywood cocaine pimp.

- It's just, they're so conspicuous, you feel like,

- But okay.

Can we just, I'm objectively saying you've got a lot

of gold on, you're wearing a three quarter jacket

and leather pants.

You kind of look the pot.

- No, he doesn't. He does look like he has cocaine on him.

- Ish. I don't - Agree. It's in the vicinity seventies.

- I I - Don't agree. You don't agree? I don't.

- Do you think dad looks great here?

- You know, he does. Look, I didn't say you look ba like

to be a Hollywood cocaine pimp does not imply

you have to look bad.

In fact, you have to look fresh as fuck

- Ozzy.

Do you feel like a stretch is just like too showy?

- Douchey. It's not obvious to someone's in there.

That's why nobody, not many people use them anymore.

- Nobody does fucking And they're only used for proms.

- Yes. - When kids at prom, they scenario zero or funerals.

- Funerals. - Oh

- Yeah.

Presidential motorcades.

- Yeah. That's gotta be funny when someone's like, oh,

it's the president.

Oh, it's Ozzy.

So Jack and Kelly, I'm just gonna warn you, oh boy.

There is some frank discussion

of your parents' sex life in this next scene.

Oh dear. There's a little bit of fuck talk with mom and dad.

- Maybe that's what we'll call this episode.

- Fuck Talk - Them guys

- With mom and dad - Tonight.

Ozzy Osborne will be our guest.

- Hi. We talk sexual intercourse and things. That's right.

- Calm. Listen. In a calm listen.

- Alright. Ozzy Osborne is here. Sharon is also here.

Sharon is his wife and and manager and Wrangler.

And sometimes interpreter.

- Are you wearing awake Jack? You know what?

We, we were the antidepressants. It screws your sex life.

Yes it does. It can. I got a bus bus of those. Viagra.

Viagra. I'm all loaded. Didn't I'm?

I fire blanks, you know. Oh, la

- La la la.

No, but he started to take Viagra and we would wait

and wait for it to work.

I'd fall asleep and I'd be,

and he'd be there with a big boner.

And I'm fast asleep and he can't wake me up. I'm, I'm ready.

She's going get Las this pills. I'm

- Lying there like I'm camping with the,

it was uncomfortable.

- I don't wanna hear about my dad's big Bon Were you in

- Yours?

- That's fucking disturbing that.

- Yeah. You had that nice Mercedes that like kind

of blue Mercedes.

- I did warn you

- It wasn't enough of a, that wasn't enough of a warning.

- You - Think I should have mentioned your dad's Big Bon

should have told me about him being day. You referring

- My father's wig.

- Where was the - Amy's talking about your big boner.

That is unacceptable. It's long gone.

- Where did the - Come so safe?

I don't, you don't even know the car I'm in and it's yours.

How are we supposed to know where the wig came from?

- I loved Loveline by the way. I still sometimes listen

- To it wasn't Loveline amazing. It

- Was so good.

- Except for when your own parents are on it.

- Yeah. That's horrifying. It was. It was amazing.

Until this point.

- Do you remember taking the Viagra?

- Oh - Yeah.

- You must, you, you stressed when you remembered

- Go.

You take a by don't you?

- Because he is about sitting out there.

- And then what would happen in detail?

- No. In - Detail.

- No, we are good. I will not work under these conditions.

- I'm gonna get - Fired. I'll shut this production down.

- So have any of you stayed in touch with Adam or

- Drew?

Yeah, both of them. Yeah. Yeah. We, Adam did our podcast.

Drew did my podcast recently. Yeah.

- What's the, some of the relationship

between you and Drew? Also?

- Drew was my, my doctor when I was detoxing from drugs. Oh.

- Starts - Detox

- Drugs. Yeah.

- At 17. - Yeah.

- So he is a real doctor.

- He is a real doctor.

I like me, don't like anyone in this room.

- Adam's great though. - Yeah, he's

- Great.

I've worked with him many times.

I've opened for him on the road. Yeah.

He's an interesting man. Yeah, yeah, for

- Sure.

Very, very kind of quirky.

- Very quirky. - Yeah.

- Well I think now we would call it spectrum.

- Yes. But yes, there's definite spectrum vibe, sir. Madam.

- Yes. - But in a good way.

Not in like a I'm gonna shoot up a skull.

A school kind of way.

- Exactly. - He's like in like,

Hey I'll build your cabinetry for you.

- So you did a love line several times.

Did you take calls too?

- I think they did, - Yeah. Yeah. Because that was weird.

'cause sometimes people call that show and they're like 13.

- Yeah. - And they're like,

I was giving my boyfriend a blow job.

You're like, no,

- Stop.

- Which is a thing I loved. And now I'm

- Like, did they still do it?

- No. No. It's repeat. There are so many.

- Because it was like every night, wasn't it?

- Yes, it was nightly. - Yeah.

- For many years. - Yeah.

- Sharon, I've heard you love to throw a party.

- Loves a party. - Big themed party. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're gonna see a very special birthday occasion.

- Oh,

Rob is my best friend.

You guys think he's my boyfriend don't you? You're so dirty.

What should I get Kelly for a birthday?

- What is she into right now? Let me think.

- Oh Rob, I don't know. - Oh God.

- It's like so hard. - It's so hard with her.

It's got big feet rock.

Let me think about it and I'll let you know. The

- Funny thing is those jeans are back in fashion

wait's My birthday party.

Where's my lamb? You could do Ouija boards for

- Centerpieces.

Do you like Ouija boards? Oh, I love that. Okay, good.

I don't remember this brainstorming right now

where we're gonna put everything.

- This was the Halloween parties

they threw for your birthday.

Love it. Your 16th,

- 17th.

- That was Fey's wife's field's wife.

She was the party planner. That was

- Michelle.

- Michelle. Yes. That's - Right.

- Tell us about Rob. He was never a romantic.

- Never. No, no, no, no.

Never from then to now.

My best friends are all guys.

- And you're still in touch with Rob?

- No, - We lost, we lost touch with him. Aw.

He, he lived with us for a while and then he went

and moved to the east coast with

- His mom dad. With his dad?

- Yeah, with his dad. - Yeah.

When his mom passed he came to live with us.

Kelly used to go to school with him

and then couple of years later he went

stayed with his dad.

- Well it's so sweet because he is a teenage boy buying

you birthday gifts.

Like what should I get her?

- Aw. He's - Like, that seems very romantic.

But he is just a sweet kid.

- He is a sweet kid. - Yeah. I love that.

We do know why you were gone, Jack. Why?

It is because you're gonna go to camp.

- Oh, I was at camp. Yeah. And - This is one of my favorite

- Moments.

My, my school, my high school I was at,

it was like the ninth grade retreat.

So it was like we all went camping.

- You are saying you wish you had more structure,

but you do not seem happy to go to camp.

- I ended up having a good time,

but yeah, I wasn't happy leaving.

- Oh yeah. We're going to hear

about what a good time you had.

- Oh yeah. It was quite a thing.

- Is that Melinda? Melinda?

You know Cloud Jeremy's jack. Six 15.

- Six 15. That's evil. Oh

- Nice.

Can't got anywhere. Jack, how are you getting there?

- We're walking - Jack. How are you getting there? A

- Bus.

- Who's driving - A man with no legs.

- You going to get your fucking ass kicked

by me this morning.

Jack, if you don't

- Stop.

This just confirms my All right, bye.

- Oh, that's it. - Yeah. Bye.

- Well all the other parents are here, Jack.

- All right. Bye. Bye. - Have fun. Cheer up.

- You miserable. Oh man. - Jack, can you not phone me?

- I can't. I have no phone.

- Alright. Why is he so depressed? Oh my God.

Is he depressed? Hi Jack.

- Were you giving me the finger?

Giving the camera the finger? Not you. How,

- Seems like you were - Giving mom the finger.

No, I was giving the camera mom.

She'd already left by then when I left.

- Did you look at them laughing?

The kids' face is hilarious.

- God. Whose - Idea was this camp?

- It was the, it was my, it was my ninth grade like retreat.

- Oh, - So it was, yeah.

And it was just like for a couple days, like, you know,

team building type stuff.

- Were you depressed?

- I, I wasn't loving school at this point.

I was kind of, I felt like I was just kind

of struggling through it.

But I, but it's funny in H you must. Yeah.

But in hindsight I really did like the

- School.

Do you remember what happens at camp?

- I do. Yeah. I remember a lot about what happened at camp.

- Yeah. I'll do it now.

- Okay. There was like a lot of,

I got into a lot of trouble.

- Well, while you're there, we were gonna join Ozzy

and Kelly back on this father daughter media tour.

- Alright, I'll, I'll speak to you later moment. I'm gonna

- Do - Clowning. Now the phone.

- How do you actually get through a metal detector?

Look at this. That's impressive.

How many crosses do you have there?

- Well, I've got need them. Need every one? Yeah.

Look at those. Look at that.

And it urinates at the Alamo when you get there.

- Wait, yours urinates. Yeah, mine urinates.

But it's not supposed to. I know what the problem is.

We can't get it to stop. Say

- Well there's Kelly right there.

You'll have a microphone and cars will say,

come on here Kelly and then we'll let you up on stage.

- Okay. - Is that kind of cool?

- That's fine. I'm really nervous. You are. So I'm,

- Because - I know be able to like go up there and trip

and then land on my face or something.

Don't worry. It's life. I know. So.

Oh, sweet. I know. I can't say fuck.

I have to behave myself.

- You can't say what? Alright. - Aw.

- Tell her what it, by the way, children speak these days,

- But I learn from you dad. It's

- Alright.

Alright. You. I need to learn from the best baby.

- Aw. - Aw.

Hi, this is Ozzy Osborne

and you are watching TRL. I was

- Just remember being - So nervous.

- Oh my god. - I was gonna say you, you looked

so young and so

- Little Kelly.

- And that was at like the height of TRL.

- I know. - That was what it was like when people

- Filled up the street down downstairs.

- Yeah. I remember the first thing I did when I got back

from school was go

and make the phone call so I could vote

for the top 10 on TRL and then I would go and watch it.

- Yeah. - To see if my music video, the one that I picked

that week had made it into the top 10.

- But the TV show put fire from back in the mouth.

- Yeah. They have you to thank Kelly.

It seems like you're warming up to the spotlight,

but then when the cameras are actually on,

you look horrified.

- No, I was, I remember being horrified

'cause I just remember thinking, my God,

all my friends are gonna be watching this.

- And I, I just remembered something. Sorry to cut you off.

I remember why I was pissed off.

- Because - You wanted to do it.

- I wanted to go to New York and do TRL

and I had to go on a school camping trip

and I was like, why the fuck does she get to go to New York

to do TRL

and I am going on a camping trip with school. What

- A difficult - Childhood.

- Right? Terrible. That - Sounds awful. And go on, say it.

I would never do that to my children

because that's what you usually say.

- No, no. I would make my kids go to school.

- Thank you. You wouldn't let them go to TRI?

- No, no. - Yeah. Yeah.

Ozzy out of all the late night shows,

did you do Conan the most often?

- Conan was all right with me.

- Yeah. I feel like you did it a lot.

- Yeah, he did. - And you too, right, Sharon?

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's a a, a great guy. You know, Conan

- Conan's all - I think he's really funny.

He's so funny. But he also lets you be

so funny on that show, Ozzy.

- Yeah, yeah, - Yeah. He's very good at setting.

You're already hilarious.

So he's Yeah, he's a really good guy.

- Yeah. Like he, it was funny.

It's like he knew like Conan out of all

of the late night guys I don't think was in

like intimidated.

He knew what to do with that.

- Yeah. Which is just let him be funny.

And a lot of the late night guys didn't understand, not

what Ozzy was saying, but how to deal with him.

They had no idea. No. They felt awkward, didn't they?

- Yeah. - Well

- Jack, it doesn't seem like camp went that well.

I don't wanna spoil anything.

- Yeah. I, it wasn't, I it was actually part

of the reason why I stopped going to school.

'cause I got in a lot of trouble.

- Let's hear about it. I didn't hear about it. You will.

You did.

- Yeah. It's Melinda. I missed you. You don't wanna hug.

It's alright. What time is that? That's really gross. Jack.

- Jackie will be home soon. What

the fuck was that Kelly?

What was that? What did she do?

Well, I wouldn't fucking camping was on a

camping trip at school. I

- Told him we - Were in a hotel room.

- We're in New York or the peninsula?

- No, he just didn't like it there. It was too hippie-ish.

- No. Yeah. They make you like feed a tree

before you feed yourself.

- Yep. How the fuck you feed a tree?

What would you put a ham sandwich by the tree?

- Yeah. You put a sandwich by the tree.

Took the tree of the gods. Oh fuck. Yeah.

- I would actually probably love to

go to that camp. Now they're in

- Trouble.

- Oh, I'm in so much trouble.

They're gonna call mom and dad in

- What?

Yeah. Why are they gonna call your mom and dad in?

- Because let me see, I throwing rocks at tent.

So I was throwing rocks at kids.

I I told the counselor to go fuck himself.

- Oh well the C did you have fun

though? Oh, Jesus. Like any fun. You must

- Have had fun.

I, I had fun. Like fucking around breaking

the rules of getting yelled at, but

- And they sing by a counselor - Such

- A rebel - Kiss.

You. I know. See mom, I can't do that to take it seriously.

Like when I was in Kathleen Kumbaya. What's it,

- Kumbaya.

- It really is like some kind of cult up there.

It's like a fun loving hippie cult.

It it was pretty hippie.

I would love it now,

but in my like 16-year-old metalhead days. Hated it.

- But you didn't hear about any of this, Sharon? Maybe I put

- It to the back of my mind.

- It was, it was like I was, there was fights.

There was like, it was insane. I was like making out.

I never, with girls, it was like

- A, I never went into school - To see them.

I know that. No, no. I think they kind

of just let it die down.

- Yeah. Why were you throwing rocks at everybody?

- We all just started throwing rocks at each

other. I didn't start it.

- I think you did. - No, I didn't.

I I mean I was definitely in the group

that was not behaving, but it was carnage. Like it

- Was, would you say you were a leader of bad behavior?

- I was def I was definitely a bad influence

to the, my other students.

- Okay. Why didn't they send you home?

- I don't know. Maybe they just didn't have the

resources to get me home.

'cause we were all the way up in Ojai at this camp.

- Did also, Sharon, are you just eating like plain pasta?

Like a big plate of just noodles with nothing?

Yeah. Just dry

- Noodles.

No, I think there's like stuff I could see. I

- Usually have it with olive oil. Oh, gotcha. That's, yeah.

- But is that a plate of fries next to your bowl of pasta?

- Yes it is. - Co guys had carb Cobb loading,

- Remember was the days.

Yeah. I think all I'm eating

is a piece of bread pretty healthy

- That No, we were, yeah, - We were.

- Wait, look at when mom's talking about me being at

Camp Kelly's face.

She's got like so much disdain towards me.

Jackie will be home soon.

What's that? She's just like, ugh.

- Or towards the camp. I don't know. But

- This is a hotel room.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. She

- Used to come on the road.

- No. Do you know where we were there? Where?

The Essex house? No, I think we were

- You're not in New York in a hotel.

- Yeah, we are in New York in a hotel.

But I'm trying to figure out the hotel.

- Well they did set a plate for you, Jack. That was nice.

- Oh, that's very kind. - It's a passover's a And the

reason why there's no no food waiting for Yeah.

Well there's no food there because they gave it to a tree.

- Perfect. Did you ever feed a tree at camp?

- I, I did. Absolutely. Yeah.

We had to scoop a bit of everything

that was available into like a bowl

and then we had to go place it in front of a tree.

I as like a thing of a notion of gratitude,

like giving back to the earth.

- Oh, - We have what we take us, we then give back

- For the angst.

- The universe a coyote.

I probably would like it now, but back

- You would've preferred TRLI

- Think I would've preferred TRL call

- Euro ine.

Like I said, when I, when I'm in my happy days when I Yeah.

Get back to the tree

- When he used to feed - A tree.

Oh. Oh, you would give the tree

- Urine - The pisses on

- It. Yeah.

- Oh yeah. So then you missed the upcoming

birthday party 'cause you're at

- No, I'm back.

I got back for the party.

- Okay. Oh yes. - 'cause the party was on the weekend

and this was during the week.

- And you do a very special style change for the party.

- I do. - Oh,

- Oh, oh.

I'm excited. Jack Blonde.

Of course it's Kelly's birthday today.

You wanna come over to the party?

- You ready to buzz? - Yep,

- Let's go.

Oh, Jackie

up.

Okay. Time to show the parental unit. Oh, your shirt.

I still have that shirt. Still have that T-shirt. Get

- Ready. Your fucking

- Mine.

Yeah, that was my friend Jackie shaving my head.

- Just a friend Jackie.

- I like the head do Jack.

There was, there was, we were more than friends. Huh?

I like that. Do. Yeah. That was a good, good. Had do. Yeah.

- Where is that mirror going? - I have no idea.

- Is Jackie a little older than you?

- We're about the same age. - Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. I don't think

- So.

No, we would, no, Jackie's only like a year older than me.

- Oh. - And then you had Oh,

- Exact same, but - It was long.

- I still, actually, I'm still friendly with Jack.

Like I, I run in,

I've run into it my neighborhood

randomly every now and then.

- Why Mohawk? Because I was fucking,

- Fucking what's sounded like a dick and Bull.

- Yeah. It's the tool logo.

- Yes. Dad. It's, it's made to, it's a wrench meant

to look like a dick and balls.

- Okay. - Because the band's tool. So it's a tool.

- Cool. Does that remind you of your Viagra days?

- No. - Getting excited?

- No. Oh. Oh, oh. No. It wouldn't been that happy man.

It's a photograph three. It was that large.

- Wow. - You ready to see your birthday party

- Enter freely.

End up your own will.

What the fuck? Oh, Carlie. That's Carlie.

This was a great party, Molly.

Oh my God.

What a great party to have at 17 Fucking outta mind.

What do you think is the music on tonight?

He went to reach for one Something you like. No, no, no, no.

- Except my He's upstairs

Music Your Brains kicked into.

It's like a four hour long record. All the same music.

That's, that's the best part of record. Now

- Do you know that I have zero recollection of this.

I remember. I I don't

- Remember it really well, but I remember it.

Aw, you don't remember your birthday

with the Contortionists?

- Wow. - I I literally have zero

memory of that at all. I've have

- Zero memories until Well,

- You didn't like the music, Ozzy,

- It's, it's so funny to see like our friends and stuff.

Yeah. From back then. You're like, oh yeah, that person.

- Who are you seeing? Just so many people that I went

to school with and that I,

- There's car, - There's the Midnight Sisters with Carly.

- Okay. So that girl right there, right in the front,

- Daniella, - Carly, Carly went on

to start like a hugely successful business.

And like we, we, I still see her occasionally.

- Did you like having these big parties at the house?

- Yeah, but I can't remember 'em.

I can't remember this in, in any way shape, or

- I don't remember often the mark

- Of a good, good - Time.

- Yeah. You must have had fun.

- Fuck me if I had a pie like this when I was age.

- Do you know? I know. And you know what's really crazy is

that when I look at this footage of me when I was 16, it was

so baby.

I was such a baby and I was so shy.

- Do you still plan parties like this Sharon?

- Yes, - She does. She throw a wicked

- Party.

- The fuck did you get a daughter?

She had contortionist for her birthday.

- Yeah. And his assholes in the air.

Like all of your dogs. Wow.

What's the craziest like thing you've gotten for a party

or person you've hired or the biggest shock value?

Me? No.

- Probably my husband. Was it the girls at daddy's party

with the big snake?

- No, I think the work, the craziest were the end

of tour parties. Yeah.

- The one - Were the craziest,

most disgusting

- Beautiful woman Shov the lit cigarette, but

- Oh my God.

Yeah. She smoked a cigarette with her vagina.

That wasn't our mom's party. That wasn't mom's party.

But at, she wasn't paid a party.

This woman smoked a cigarette with her vagina.

- She was a volunteer.

- Yeah. She was willingly doing this.

This was, so she actually offered, like that was her job.

- Oh my God. Dad, what the fuck?

- Do you remember the end of tour parties?

- No. - They, you were saying they were crazy.

- They were insane. Were the craziest insane.

- What would happen? - They,

I mean probably stuff we can't say on camera.

Yes. But fucking insane insanity.

- They were that we can say on your

- Family insanity. I

- Remember one that got me and made me cry and dad came

and grabbed me, picked me up and chucked me in the shower.

But there was this stripper

that took a di like a liter bottle of Dasani water

and then went on her back

and she poured it inside of herself like in

between her legs, up her vagina.

Okay. And then, and then stood up

and did like this dance bent over

and then just the water over everybody.

And it went all over me.

And I just remember dad picked me up

and threw me in the shower of his dressing room.

Oh God. And he's like, you'll survive.

- Can't remember that. - Well you did.

- I I, I wonder we, we may have to omit

that story from this episode.

Seeing is it's, that's probably child sexual abuse.

- Oh. To see it. But she but

- To have someone squirt vagina water all over

you as a child.

I'm pretty sure that is very illegal.

- I feel I was a teen by then. - Not 18.

- No innocent bystander. - Innocent bystander.

- It's not like you were up in front waiting to see

what she did with her pussy. It just happened.

- Yeah, - Yeah, yeah. You weren't

- Like, oh, I know what she's gonna do.

You were just like, it just literally

- Box of popcorn - Just happened. Yeah. You're not

- Like spray our kids. Was

- Anybody on fire?

Was anybody burning in the audience?

- Pork chop wasn't - Too bad.

Pork chop wasn't around a pork chop. He would've zero

- Problems.

All I remember was one of the parties,

we had a tour accountant that was very, very straight

and wore a shirt

and tie to come into the, every day we were in Florida.

It was the end of us first. I can't remember his first name.

Accountant. The tour accountant.

And these girls were looking for groupies, were looking

for Slipknot.

And I told them that one

of Slipknot was in the next room.

And they said, oh, we want to give him a blowjob,

whoever it was.

I can't even remember which one I said it was what number?

And they went in

because Slipknot wear masks so nobody knows

what they look like.

And it was the tour accountant.

And so this one girl was like over the moon

that she'd had sex with.

Slip on was the tour accountant.

- Now that story we might wanna cut out.

Although it sounds like she was consenting

- Went there.

She wanted, she wanted it. That was it.

And it wasn't like she was a kid.

She, she definitely wanted some of Slipknot.

- That's funny. - Wow.

Kelly, do you remember what you got

yourself for your birthday?

- I got myself - Some something very special

that your mom was not.

- Oh, the tattoo. I remember. - Oh

- God.

Don't even, let's see.

I

- Jewel in my - Sweet.

So do I

- Just friends.

Just friends.

- Here we go. Jess. - With waking up in a pool

of your own spit and a bed covered in your own urine.

It was fun.

- What's over? Very nice Jack. That was just

- For you.

- Come on. That was only for you. You go tonight.

Stay here with you. Huh?

- Why'd you lock your door? - Huh?

Did you have some room or night?

- No. You're not really want to talk about,

you know, something right now.

So I'd shut up. Oh yeah.

- She - Anything where, where

- What you do? Oh, Kelly,

- If I show you, you can't kill me.

- Show you what? You got a tattoo. What

- So ordinary Kelly.

- I love it. We - All got the

- Same room. The

- Heart's - Real.

Kelly let Mummy no.

And you are not saying anything that has to.

Let me say it again. Kelly.

- How come? Ordinary. - I love it.

- Do you still have - It? You've got, of course.

I still have it lot. There's Lulu. Yeah.

- Charlie, you Kelly. If you get that infected,

that one got infected in this one one time.

And my fucking arm. I tried

to stop getting Yeah,

- But you're not gonna say anything.

- Yeah, I have to - Look at Lou

Louis is our half brother.

- Oh, gotcha. I got a tattoo. - You

- Are - Joking. Yeah. What did you get?

- It's really tiny. What is it? A tiny little heart.

- Where? On my hip. And who did it?

- Some - Guy.

- What? Some guy.

- Oh, that, that tells me a lot.

Some guy Would you put your father on?

- Yeah.

- You sent me into the Beverly Hills Hotel to be punished.

Okay. That was a really fucking good handbag.

You wanna say something? You wanna see it? Oh yes. I wanna

- See it.

Kelly. What? Tiny. I hope it's a tiny stay. Tiny. Not done.

Is it crooked? No.

- If you, if you want any advice from me who had tattoos

to be somebody unique, don't have a tattoo.

'cause everybody in their friend has got tattoos.

- I like it. - Who did it?

I'm not telling you why,

because I know you're gonna go down there and sue them.

My father went inside. Did you do it because you were angry?

You did you because you are angry. Because I liked him.

Me and my friends all got the same one.

It's not all that bad. Could I,

I thought she was gonna show me a, a picture

of a fucking eagle on her ass or something. You know,

- I I I will say I the look on your face.

I do. I I feel like I would feel the same way if

one of my kids Yeah.

Rocked up with a tattoo.

- It's the worst thing in the world.

When you've got your baby,

your baby's perfect, you everything.

And then you go and put some Who was my critic on yourself?

- You did. You did my best. Can I speak freely? Yeah.

What's the difference between that

and then paying for all of plastic

surgery shots fired.

Ta ta. No. It's a fair fucking point. It's a point.

- It, it does seem like you tried

to stop them from getting tattoos though.

- Once you have one, you have to. But

- What's the difference?

But you, you're saying my perfect baby has been changed.

- You just try and match yourself. Well,

- Yeah, - But it's like you, you, you go, oh, I

I'm going to match yourself with that. You know? I

- Was thinking about getting a neck tattoo.

- What? - Well,

that went down Well on the front or on the side.

- On the side. - How about the back?

- I have the back done. - Hold on.

Would you like to look at your partner a

- Bit? Yeah. Pizza

- Peeing himself.

- I'm gonna make, I'm gonna make Pete get

a fucking neck tattoo.

- No, - Don't,

- Don't get a neck tattoo.

- Please. Do you wanna know why

you shouldn't get a neck tattoo?

The number one reason

- Why - Is because you are not the kind of guy

that's gonna do plastic surgery.

And then you are gonna get a droopy fucking neck

and then the tattoo gonna end up down here

and it's gonna look like a side shit.

Drippy and ugly. And you'll look like a thug.

I don't think you look like a thug mom, but I think

- That Let's go get neck tattoos.

- I think it'll be cute. - Yeah,

- I think I, I think that, oh, whose side do you want,

Amy? It's hot.

- I'm gonna get, you know, I'm gonna get, I'm gonna get,

this is for de vanilla ass bitches

- That'll go down me.

How many more tattoos have you gotten since then? Kelly?

- Oh my god. So many. - So many. But you, you don't have to

- Stop.

I got a lot in a period of a small period of time

and then I stopped.

And then I only got ones

that actually really meant something to me.

I mean, I, I, I like my tattoos.

I don't And you never, the ones

that I don't like, I got rid of.

- You never got the eagle on your ass.

- I never got the eagle on my ass.

- Not too lit. - No.

- She got a bat instead. - Do you have any

- Tattoos?

- No. - Zero.

- Come and put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.

- Thank - You, Jack. Alright.

That's a weird thing to say about your mother.

It's interesting to call your mama a

- Ferrari. I,

- Well, I mean, you know, they matter

of pretty fast, pretty expensive.

- I had the Ferrari ones every time he drink alcohol,

they just, just disappear.

- Mm. - No wonder where did it

- Go?

- Fucking sell it. 'cause he'd be, all

of a sudden he'd be like, oh, I'm sober.

I'm gonna get my driver's license and get a Ferrari.

And then he is like, oh, I'm not sober

anymore, but I have a Ferrari.

And we're like, no, you don't

- Really?

Ferrari of a wife.

So are you really gonna get the neck tattoo?

- I don't know. Don't, don't. Maybe, maybe.

- But you don't really have any job stoppers.

That would be your first job stopper.

- Yeah. - What's a job stopper?

Anything that you can see outside of a collar shirt. Okay.

- But I technically, I I, I do have a job stopper.

It's actually, this is the reason why I couldn't join the

Air Force a few years ago.

- Why? - Because of sleeve tattoo. I tried to join in 2008

- And they said you can't if you have a sleeve.

- It was the weirdest thing. Yeah. And it was.

- That's not the case anymore. - Not anymore, no. Yeah,

- Because everyone has a sleeve.

- Yeah. - What if you went together to get the neck tattoo?

- We are. We just said we would. No,

- No, no, - No, no, no, no,

- No, no, no. Shut

- 74-year-old - Man. The nectar.

- Fuck. - You'd look fucking tough as shit.

- By the way, daddy was the first guy.

Sorry for interrupting. No, please.

The first guy I ever met that had a tattoo.

- Didn't your grandma have a tattoo? Yes, my grandma did.

Did, yeah. It's, it runs in the family.

- And she, my grandma had a tattoo

when nobody had fucking tattoo.

- What was it? - Fuck off minds her own business.

- Are you saying this to me? No,

- He says IU author unit.

That was McGreer.

- Aw, that's so sweet. Jack.

You do have a sleepover with your just friend.

Yeah, he does, doesn't he? And he close the, because isn't

that how that fight started?

Is that you closed the door. Yep.

And then you're like, you're not one to talk.

Kelly, you did something bad today.

- Did Dad said, did anyone sleepover?

And then I instigated that somebody may have slept over and

- Stirring the pot on the couch though, at first.

- Sure. Yeah.

Well, I, you know, I'm a, I'm a married man

and a father of four, four young girls.

And you know, I think Jackie is married herself.

So out of, out of respect, I'll probably just, you know,

- Plead the fifth.

- Plead the fifth, fifth. - Out of

- Respect.

- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, fifth.

- Oh, that's it for episode three. We did it. Woo.

That so bad. No, we've all learned.

So thank you, Amy. Oh, thank you. Thank you

- Amy.