Original subtitles

Hello.

And welcome.

I'm Councilman Edmund Harris of the Fifth District.

I'm sure some of you know we're gathered here this afternoon

to dedicate the beginning of a year-long project.

To make a movie right here in Phoenix and the outlying areas,

and much of it in our own Fifth District.

The Fifth District is the home of our good friends, the Yeager family.

Warren, and Jeanette, and cute little Lisa and Eric.

And they're gonna be the stars of this unusual movie.

- Do you know who they are? - Wait a minute.

All of us in this room are gonna have an important part in the picture too.

Now, my wife tells me I'm not handsome enough

to be in the movies.

But our guest of honor here today says that's just baloney.

And he's the gentleman behind the whole thing.

Quite a gentleman he is.

Why, he's made me laugh on...

The Tonight Show, the late Ed Sullivan.

And I know you've seen his short films on NBC's Good Night Saturday.

And a lot of you have seen him on your favorite shows, I'm sure.

And if you like the food we had today, you have him to thank for that.

So would you please welcome with a big Phoenix applause,

all the way from Hollywood, California, Mr. Albert Brooks!

Thank you, Councilman Harris.

Please tell the mayor I wish him a speedy recovery.

I couldn't help noticing some expressions of shock or disbelief,

or whatever it was you were doing,

when the councilman mentioned that the Yeagers

were going to be the stars of a major motion picture.

I guess many of you know, Warren Yeager is a fine veterinarian,

and not a professional actor.

But that's exactly the point.

We're all gathered here this afternoon to film Warren and his family,

and you folks, and ourselves as well,

because we're making a movie about reality.

Oh.

I'm sure you've all had the experience of coming out of a motion picture theater

and saying to yourselves afterwards,

"I've had more interesting things happen to me

than happened to those characters in that picture.

My life is much more interesting."

Well, you know something? You're right.

The most hilarious comedy,

the most gripping drama,

the most suspenseful disasters,

they don't happen on the movie screen.

They happen in my backyard and yours.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

So, please, just remember two simple words and everything will be perfect.

Be yourselves.

If you see one of our cameramen following Warren or Jeanette

or one of the children into your homes or your offices,

or cleaning establishments, or gas stations,

don't try to do anything special.

It's tempting to show off for the camera. I know, I make my living that way.

But in this case, we don't want a show.

Well, let me correct myself.

We want the greatest show of all.

Life!

Hey, you're great! You're great!

We're gonna have a b-a-double-I here, I guarantee you.

Now, a lot of people have termed this whole project an experiment,

and I can't disagree.

And what experiment would be complete without the scientists, hmm?

I'd like to introduce two of the finest psychological consultants

that money can buy.

I wouldn't want you to get the impression

that we're buying either of these gentlemen.

Actually, the one on the end is rented,

and the gentleman sitting next to him is leased.

No, I'm kidding.

The gentleman on the end, well, what can I say?

He's from one of the most prestigious institutes we have in this country.

From Boulder, Colorado,

from the National Institute of Human Behavior,

would you welcome Dr. Howard Hill.

And the gentleman sitting next to him, what can I say?

You might have seen him on some television shows.

A well-known author. He's written books.

From the University of Minnesota,

please give a nice welcome to Dr. Ted Cleary.

A lot of you probably thought that Ted didn't stand up there.

Actually, he is standing. Isn't that great? He eats very little.

You folks love to laugh, don't you?

Well, more than anything else in the world,

I'd love to get into some humor with you, but we really don't have the time.

We're meeting the Yeagers at the airport in less than half an hour.

So before yours truly has to skedaddle on out of here,

I'd like, if I could, to share my sentiments that I have

about this beautiful city with you, if I might.

Mort.

Ladies and gentlemen, the man at the piano, Mr. Mort Lindsey,

from The Merv Griffin Show.

And as much of his orchestra as we could afford to bring down.

Mort, if you will.

This is a little something I jotted down on the plane coming in yesterday,

specially from me to you.

How are you?

Who are you quickly? What do you do?

Paul Lowe, Lowe Realty.

Thanks very much for the house. Yes, you got me my house.

- Who are you? What do you do? - Donna Stanley. Gift shop at the airport.

Thanks for that little plastic cactus. Yes.

- And who are you? - I'm Jack from Cincinnati.

Jack, you live down here? Just visiting?

No, I came down here to watch you work.

Isn't that something? God bless you.

Two grand!

Thank you.

God bless you! You're something else!

Thank you!

Hello.

You know, so many of us go through life doing one thing

and dreaming of doing something else.

I'm one of those people. I'm in show business.

I'm very fortunate to have that job, but quite frankly,

if I'd studied harder, or been graded more fairly,

I would have been a scientist or a doctor of some kind.

Well, the fulfillment of that dream finally happened for me

when I arrived here at the National Institute of Human Behavior,

a few miles southwest of Boulder, Colorado.

I knew from the inception of this motion picture

that without scientific guidance

from a nationally recognized research organization,

very few people would take this seriously.

However, with that guidance,

we not only had a chance at winning an Oscar,

but possibly a Nobel Prize too.

Ooh. It gives me the chills.

Let's go inside.

Come on.

Thousands of people responded to the advertisements

scientifically placed by the institute.

They filled out preliminary questionnaires in the privacy of their own homes.

Then, the 210 best families were invited here for final testing.

These tests in Boulder were designed to choose the one family unit

that could best reflect day-to-day living in contemporary America.

And at the same time,

hold a motion-picture audience completely spellbound.

During the time they stayed here,

the 210 families underwent more than 145 separate tests,

totaling more than 2500 test hours.

If these tests could be converted into eggs,

it would be enough to feed a city the size of St. Louis

for more than two years,

on a two egg per person, per week basis.

Sound complicated? It was, and very expensive.

However, even though we were paying for this,

for top security reasons,

the institute allowed us to film just a small portion

of a few of the tests.

Looks good.

Honey, I completely believed that.

Test 40, one of three role-reversal exercises.

The instructions were, "Be someone else in your family."

This test was invaluable,

not just because of the insights it gave into relationships,

but because it singlehandedly discouraged 23 families

from further participation,

saving us more than $90,000 in wasted testing costs.

- I wanna go out and play. - No! You heard what your mother said.

You have to stay in, do your homework and be quiet all day.

- But I wanna go out and play. - No!

- Well, I want to. - I said no!

- Well, I said yes. - I don't care what you say.

I'm the boss. And now you're gonna get a beating.

Wait. I don't wanna do that. Okay, okay, Harold. Harold, stop it!

- Don't call me Harold, call me "Dad"! - Don't you hit me, you little snot!

Damn you! Don't you do that.

All right. Thank you, folks.

- Thank you. Folks? - Stop it!

This was test 72,

one of 15 tests utilizing state-of-the-art computer technology.

This man...

was feeding all of his facial features into this,

the Graphicon 8000.

This amazing computer would actually show

what each family member's face would photograph like

from every conceivable angle.

And then, give us a digital readout of their screen presence.

Okay, it should be simple...

Test 141, known simply as the driving test.

Since much of anybody's life takes place in a car,

we wanted to make sure our family wasn't going to kill us.

Dummies, acting as cameramen,

were placed in one of the 200 cars in the institute's mobile test fleet.

When I tell you to start, just put the car in reverse,

- and back it up to that simulated garage. - Go?

In reverse and back in there. Okay, fine.

You were supposed to put it back in the simulated garage.

- What simulated garage? - Okay.

While the testing continued,

ground rules for the project were slowly being developed.

Most important was the unusual agreement

that only the studio and a few of the doctors at the institute

would actually be allowed to see the film as it was being shot.

The rest of us would have to wait until the year was over.

This was done to reduce possible confusion and to heighten the reality.

But to really heighten the reality,

we needed a whole new generation of motion picture equipment.

Equipment that could stay out of our family's way.

Two systems were chosen.

First, from Japan,

special heat-sensing wall cameras like this.

These would be installed wherever feasible.

These amazing devices actually used body heat

to focus in on the nearest person.

Quiet, efficient, expensive.

And then, to capture what those couldn't,

a startling breakthrough in technology.

The smallest, most versatile motion-picture camera ever made.

From Holland, the Ettinauer 226-XL.

The Ettinauer is actually worn over the head.

The camera is controlled by using body movement,

and by operating this human eye-like lens system.

Isn't that something?

And it can hear like a human too,

with these special Omni-directional microphones

located exactly where we have our ears.

The Ettinauer needs no special lighting.

And it uses no film.

Yes, all picture and sound information

is recorded digitally on these integrated circuit chips,

some no larger than a child's fingernail.

When these chips are filled to capacity, they will be removed from this housing

and then mailed back to the institute, where they're decoded

and then transferred to film as we know it.

Only six of these cameras were ever made.

Only five of them ever worked.

We had four of those.

After six weeks of testing,

the families had been narrowed down to two.

The Andrew Feltons from Green Bay, Wisconsin,

and the Warren Yeagers, from Phoenix, Arizona.

Using the sophisticated equipment and the institute's direct mail facility,

the other hundreds of families were notified that they were unsuitable.

Since these two finalists had never met before,

each family served as a matching set of strangers for the other.

They were given only one instruction for the hour-long encounter,

"Be yourselves."

- You're with TWA, right? - No, American.

Oh. Uh-huh.

You get to fly for free, don't you?

Well, we have to pay tax.

Oh, how much is the tax to Europe?

Um, I don't really know exactly.

Is there a maximum amount of trips you can take?

Oh, yes.

- Sounds great. - Oh, yes.

Yeah.

To be perfectly frank, we could find no difference.

Our research was so thorough,

the computers actually coughed up two perfect families.

If I were a liar, I could tell you we chose one over the other

for complicated psychological reasons.

But I'm a comedian, not a liar.

I can afford the luxury of honesty.

The Feltons lived in Wisconsin.

The Yeagers lived in Arizona.

You spend the winter in Wisconsin.

Oh!

Phoenix!

Population, almost one million people.

The fastest-growing metropolis west of the Mississippi.

The Yeagers lived here,

in one of the newer sections of town, part of the Fifth District.

Their house was located at the end of a cul-de-sac

called Viewcrest Heights Drive.

Warren Yeager worked here, at the Arizona Veterinary Clinic,

one of the finest veterinary hospitals in the new southwest.

The children attended school at Benjamin Franklin Grammar School,

about two miles from the family's home.

I was fortunate to purchase the house

directly across the street from the Yeagers.

It was the first house I had ever owned,

and I must say, I was proud.

- That's it. - That's it.

This man, however, would not stop shaking my hand.

The Yeagers were sent on a two-week, all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii,

so I could get settled in without disturbing them.

I knew the house had to be furnished with great care.

We're here!

The living room was done in a neo-Mediterranean style.

The playroom was done contemporary, with a fun touch.

Let's put it outside.

And the sleeping area,

well, with its round bed and large screen TV,

let's just say if there were any single girls in Phoenix,

I'd find them.

The rest of the crew stayed here at the Travel Lodge.

A nice place.

But enough about the crew, for at this very moment,

a 707 was landing nonstop from Hawaii,

with our stars aboard.

It's not degrading being introduced. Howard, were you degraded?

There's such a thing as professional dignity.

Why were you singing?

You were just supposed to inform them of the project.

I did inform them. What's so bad? They loved the song.

I don't know about you, Howard, but I didn't go to graduate school

to be introduced as part of an act.

Howard, you've seen me work. Tell him, that's not my act.

Ted, an act's a very detailed thing.

First, you got a set opening, then you've got a four-minute hunk.

- A 10-minute hunk and a six-minute-- - Mr. Brooks! Albert!

Someone knows me in Phoenix. Hi. How are you? It's Warren.

- We're in baggage! - We missed the plane.

Great, good. We're coming!

I got mixed up myself. I thought the plane...

Hey! Hello!

- We missed you! - He barely knows me.

Welcome home! Aloha! Look at this now!

Look at this. Real orchids.

Hello, Mrs. Yeager. And you. Look at this. Come here.

Look at that. Okay! Do we know everybody?

These are the Ettinauers. I think you read the literature on them.

My two psychological consultants.

They'll be with us for the entire year, making sure everything is perfect.

- Did you meet Howard? - I don't think so.

Dr. Howard Hill, from the institute.

This gentleman's gonna be with us for the year?

Yes. I won't be degrading. I'll do it right this time.

Dr. Ted Cleary. I'm not a consultant, I'm more of an observer.

I'm writing articles on this project for The Journal of American Psychology.

He's a very well-known author. Written lots of books.

You know who's gonna publish the articles? Did you tell him?

- I did. - The Journal of American Psychology.

Maybe the most prestigious scientific journal in the world, I swear.

You know who reads these things? Jonas Salk, Buckminster Fuller,

William Buckley, every scientist living.

They go out to the mailbox, get it like magazines.

We're all gonna be on Jonas Salk's coffee table.

- All right! - Can you believe it? He loves it!

Okay, one last thing, then I'm staying out of your lives.

Limo back to the house, huh? Just a special treat.

- Come on, let's go to the limo! - Albert, I want to tell you something.

We went to Maui.

Jeanette didn't want to go, but I told her...

Warren! What am I supposed to do? Get this luggage myself?

Excuse me one moment. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, really. Excuse me.

- I'm sorry. I'm a little excited, I guess. - You're completely out of it.

- Come on! Come on! - Okay!

- We got the whole crew waiting! - Okay.

Anyway, come on, honey.

Here we go!

Dr. Theodore Cleary! Look at him, there he is!

The Yeagers!

You won't believe it. Look, it's your parents.

We flew them in from Tucson.

- How are you? It's nice to see you. - Aw. Nice to see you.

Isn't this something?

Okay, very quickly.

Oh, that's-- I love reunions. Very quickly, folks.

We want to meet the crew. We lined them all up, okay?

We'll do it just like they meet royalty.

Now, Dr. and Mrs. Yeager, Eric, Lisa, we'll just go down the line.

This is wardrobe, trucker, cameraman,

- first AD, second AD. - What's an AD?

Assistant director. We'll get to it in a second.

- Another trucker. - What are their names?

Not important. Let me get through the whole list.

- Wardrobe, script. - Script? Is there a script?

No, no, no. They're part of the package.

- Cameraman, another cameraman, grip, grip. - How do you do? Hello.

This is a trucker. This is a gopher, this is a gopher.

Where? Where? Where?

No, no, no, Eric. Eric, these people here.

It's a term, okay? How are you?

Publicity. This is a trucker, driver, and a trucker. Okay?

There's other people. They're not here right now.

Now, of course, thanks to modern technology,

these people really aren't needed, but the union makes us take them.

So, folks, we'll see you at the premiere.

Have a nice time in Phoenix. Enjoy your stay.

- Well, thanks for coming. - Get good tans.

- Bye. - Nice to see you.

See you again. Nice to see you.

Have a good stay. See you next year.

Nice to see you. Okay?

So, what can I tell you? Welcome home.

You wanna film something of us coming out of the car or anything?

You kind of look tired. Why don't you go in your house?

Make yourself at home, all right?

I wanted to go over the rules,

but we can do that and the filming schedule later.

- Okay. - You sure?

- He just said so, didn't he? - Yeah.

Okay? So break a leg. Be yourselves.

- Thank you for everything. - Oh, don't worry about it.

Hey, those leis keep. Put them in the freezer. Okay?

Have a good time now. Be yourselves.

They look great.

They're great. They're great.

They were great. What a family.

The long trip from Hawaii did leave them a bit fatigued, however,

especially Mrs. Yeager, who thought she had a slight fever.

Although Dr. Yeager said it'd be all right to film them unpacking,

I thought it was only appropriate to give them an hour by themselves

to relax and get ready for dinner.

I took the opportunity to finish antiquing my end table.

"Continuous motion for oldest effect."

The hour passed very quickly.

And before I knew it,

we were ready to join them for their first supper.

Eat your pizza, honey. Good pizza.

Honey, do you think it's safe for you to be eating

with your heating pad in your lap?

I have terrible cramps, I am bleeding profusely,

and I wanna vomit on the table.

What are you doing?

No, I just wanna let them know that this is not the way we usually talk,

especially at the dinner table.

Okay, okay. Why don't we, uh...?

Why don't we just, uh, pretend that we just sat down,

and we can start over, okay?

Great pizza, right, kids? Kids?

- I hate it. - You hate it.

- Goddamn it, Eric. - Watch your mouth, young lady.

This is not the kind of language we use at the dinner table.

Since when have we had all these rules at the dinner table?

Lisa, don't use my good linen napkin to wipe that up.

What am I supposed to use?

- There are no other napkins in the house. - There are too napkins in the house.

Honey, your mother's very uncomfortable,

so please, if you get smart with her again, I'll have to punish you.

- Do you understand me, honey? - I hate eating here.

You don't have to eat here.

If you didn't, there'd be plenty more food for the rest of us.

Don't start making her feel guilty about the food.

God, you make me sick.

Just because I stick up for you?

Eric, why don't you just leave the towel?

Wanna take your pizza into your room?

Honey, take your pizza into your room and watch some TV, okay?

Okay.

Why does he have to finish his dinner in the other room?

I just thought he could have more fun eating there.

Oh, he can't have fun here?

Honey, it's hard to have fun when you have to listen to your mother

whining about her terrible menstrual cramps every day.

- Really, honey, every day. - I agree.

And it is also not much fun to have an IUD stuck in you

to prevent, as you put it, more mouths to feed.

I-- Look, I never said that.

I don't care what you said.

I am having this coil taken out Monday.

And from now on, if you want safe sex,

you can have it with one of your animals.

I know you didn't mean anything by that, so I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just...

You're just upset, the way everybody gets.

What a great day, huh?

Sounds real exciting over there, doesn't it?

You been out spying on the neighborhood?

No, I'm not spying on anybody.

I live here. I'm allowed to walk up and down the street.

What'd you think, Howard? Real good action for Day 1, huh?

- Real good. - Well, tension, not action.

Tension is action.

Don't you ever go to plays?

What'd you think, Ted? Some good insights for you?

I'll tell you something. If I were running this project,

those people would've gotten some rest tonight

and Day I would've been tomorrow.

We all pretty much agreed at the meeting

that when they got off the plane was the beginning.

- Absolutely. - We all agreed, but I disagreed.

Look, it's done. It's on film.

We gotta keep remembering, whatever we do is fine,

it's perfect, it's the movie.

Oh, great. It may be fine and perfect, but all that added tension

is making your leading man come off very unsympathetic.

- What? - That's only my observation.

No, he's very sympathetic.

If you don't look at it from the dramatic point, you'll never see it.

Here's a guy, he's got a wife, two kids,

he's threatened by society.

- Oh, come on, now. - No.

On one hand, he doesn't wanna make the same mistakes his parents made.

On the other, he's not so sure his parents made mistakes. He's torn.

Maybe he likes himself, maybe he doesn't.

Ooh, Jesus, I think it's a hell of a complex character.

Don't you think so, Howard? He's complex. Don't you think so?

- Albert, he's fine. Just relax. - I am relaxed.

I just don't like my leading man being called unsympathetic

on the basis of four minutes of film.

He's good, huh? He's good. He was good at the airport.

- He was good. - Yeah.

On one hand he likes himself, on the other, he doesn't.

Honey?

- Honey, what's the problem? - There's no problem.

I just don't like you very much right now.

I'm sure that cramps is a bad beginning for your movie,

- so I'm spending the weekend at Bonnie's. - Honey, it's our movie.

It was our decision. You don't have to leave.

- What about the children? - The children know.

Honey, listen, I'm sure they could film your better moments.

- Warren, don't make me get in an argument. - There's no argument.

After all, they're paying for the whole family.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Honey, you wanted this as much as I did.

You'll benefit from it too.

Warren, will you please...?

Let's move it!

Latch onto Jeanette.

Hello, Mrs. Yeager.

Where you going?

Listen, I would just like to go be alone for a little while.

- I think that I need to be alone now. - Okay, could we come with you?

No, I really want to be alone.

- Well-- - Just by myself.

We're gonna have to deal with this thing later

because this really wasn't in the rules.

It's all right. Go ahead.

Would you take the little car, though?

We're gonna drive to work with Warren. We'd like to use the station wagon.

It's just hard to fit both cameras in there.

- Could one person come with you? - No.

- One? That's all right. Go ahead. - Please.

- I need to be by myself. - Okay, I understand.

See, there's a lot of room in here, if we just... One...

Look, if you'd like to go beyond the original year

to make up these days, it's okay.

No, no, no. I don't think you understand.

There's no making up days.

I mean, this is the reality. This is it.

Now, she left. That's real.

See, everything that happens, even us now,

it's all the reality.

Very good. She came out angry like that, got right in the car, you followed her.

All very good stuff. Very, very good. Really.

So I should just go on just living as usual?

Mm-hm. That's it.

Don't worry about anything. You're very good.

Thanks.

Warren Yeager tried to carry on as if nothing had happened,

but it was obvious he was uncomfortable because of his wife's absence.

Honey?

Honey, the music goes right into my bedroom.

- What are you doing? - What are you doing?

- I'm fantasizing. - Don't fantasize.

I'm a big motion-picture star.

These are my cameras.

That's my director.

- And you are my lover. - Okay.

Kiss me, my beautiful lover.

Take me in your arms and kiss me.

Take off the dress. This is your confirmation dress.

- How long we've been apart. - Listen to what you're saying.

Take me and kiss me like you've never kissed me before.

Honey, come on. You're gonna get hit. Get out of this dress.

I can stay in this dress.

- Mother said I could. - I'll bet she did.

- Go ahead-- - She did.

- Ask her if she ever comes back. - Okay, come on. That's it.

- Honey, where's Eric? - He's playing with the crew.

He's not supposed to. Didn't you tell him that?

No, I'm not his mother, remember?

Okay, don't get smart with me!

Cereal on the floor. I'll just make breakfast now.

I'll make some eggs.

Put this back. I'll make eggs.

On Sunday, Mrs. Yeager called me

and said she'd be coming home that evening,

but asked if she could see me first, privately,

at the Desert Plaza Shopping Center.

So anyway, he says, "You think that's bad?

Her sister's twice as fat."

Ah. Over here.

The institute and I agreed that private meetings

with any family members should be discouraged,

but this did sound important.

Hi.

I was kind of hoping we could be alone.

This is alone.

I mean, this is alone as I ever get.

- How was your weekend? - It was okay. Listen,

thank you for giving me that time.

I know how important the movie is to you, and...

I'm sorry. I know you didn't have to do it.

Don't worry about it. It's important.

I didn't have to do it, but it's a decision, and I made it.

It was a very loving decision.

Oh, God, no. No love.

It's just a decision. I'm making them all the time.

What's up? Why'd you want to meet me?

I wanted to tell you that I like you,

and that this movie does mean as much to me

as it does to everybody else, and I hope I didn't hurt anything.

No, no. See, nothing can hurt it.

That's the beauty part of this film.

It is what it is.

It's like a movie in a movie in a movie. You know what I mean?

Well, you were very sweet,

and I wanted to do something for you in return.

Oh, don't.

No, really, I want to.

I made an appointment with my gynecologist

for a quarter to 10 tomorrow morning.

And if you want to, you and the crew can feel free to join me.

Film the gynecologist?

Mrs. Yeager, I can't believe--

Oh, boy. Oh, yes. Great.

Here's the problem. There's one small problem.

I won't shoot anything that'll embarrass you, I swear.

I mean, I couldn't use it, anyway. I'm locked into a PG.

No, I didn't mean anything like that. No, it's Warren. I...

I haven't told Warren that you're going with me,

and I don't think that anyone should tell him.

See, this thing is so new to him,

and he's very nervous and edgy.

I'm sure that in a month or two, it would be fine, you know.

But right now, he's a little upset.

And since it wasn't planned, I just...

I think he would say no...

and we would just get into another argument.

And I'm just real tired of arguing with him.

Aw. Look. Go home.

It's just, I don't know what's happening.

He just doesn't seem to understand anything at all anymore.

Mrs. Yeager, let me ask you a question.

Do you think he comes off unsympathetic?

Mm-hm.

No. No, really.

See if you can detach yourself for a minute.

I mean, look at it from the dramatic point.

Here's a guy. He's got a wife, two kids.

He's threatened, you know?

Threatened by society.

On one hand, he's got the parental thing,

on the other hand, he's got the pressures of his work.

An audience has got to have sympathy for a guy like this.

He's a very complex guy.

Now, people have sympathy for a guy who's complex.

Don't you think so? Really, think about it.

- He is complex, isn't he? - You're such a sensitive man.

Oh. No, no, no.

It's just a theory. I'm not, no.

Well, I want you to meet me outside my doctor's building

at a quarter to 10 tomorrow morning.

Okay.

- Okay? - Okay.

- I'm gonna go home now. - Okay.

You gave me the strength. Thanks.

Oh.

I-- I didn't give you...

I gave you nothing, Mrs. Yeager.

No, no. I gave you nothing.

Really, don't think I'm anything better than what you have.

You think I've got this charisma, but I don't.

I really don't, Mrs. Yeager.

It's just-- I have a little bit of it.

But it just sits on the surface. It doesn't run deep.

- Now, no kissing. - Deeper than you think.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Mrs. Yeager, it's been measured. It doesn't run deep.

Now, no kissing here. I'm a shallow fellow.

Look. Shallow, shallow.

Really! Shallow!

She didn't know. What am I gonna do?

I didn't call this. I didn't do it.

Let me just...

go out of frame this way.

All right, so during the examination, basically, get her expressions.

Just very nice.

No, we're not gonna shoot anything that will--

- Just perfect. Just like this, huh? - I trust you.

No, don't. No trust.

No, honestly. Shallow.

- Just a decision. - Mrs. Yeager?

- These are just decisions. - Yes?

- The doctor will see you now. - Here we go. Tasteful. Taste.

Just remember.

Uh, excuse me. I don't think the doctor would like anyone

other than the patient in the examining room.

Oh. There's been a mistake, see?

We're filming her life, and we have her permission.

And someone from my crew was here this morning and got a release.

No, not today. You must be mistaken.

No, I don't think I'm mistaken. I'll check.

- Margaret, be with you in a few minutes. - Okay.

- Mrs. Yeager, how you feeling? - Much better, thank you.

What is this? What are these?

These are cameras.

Oh, no. Oh, goddamn it!

What's going on here? I was cleared!

- Come on, get out of here! - No, no. Hey!

- I don't need you here. - Wait. This is a big motion picture.

- I'm Albert Brooks. - I don't care who the hell you are.

Talk to my lawyer. I was cleared. Get out. Out!

Dr. Rennert, these people are with me. They're filming my life.

Sorry, but I've had some bad experiences with the 60 Minutes people.

No, we're not news. We're not digging. I don't even ask any questions.

I'm just filming her, and right now, you're in their life.

They're in my life.

Mrs. Yeager, I'm getting awfully angry. My blood pressure's starting to soar.

What do you want me to do? You want them in here? Fine.

Then they can take out your IUD. Two Thorazine, will you?

You don't understand. Wait, I know what he wants.

This isn't a student film. What are we talking about?

Look. Huh?

There's four of us here, okay?

He wants an abortion. All right?

Two. Make it two.

I'll take a hysterectomy. She'll have the same.

How about this for parking? You think 500 might do it?

I just wanna film her life. Please, don't make trouble.

You're actually gonna give me $500 to film an examination?

Oh, my God. Maxwell Rennert, the baby broker.

- Goddamn it! Get out. I don't need this. - I can't believe it.

- Who is this man? - Did you see Mike Wallace's piece on him?

He sold children. There were baby slave auctions.

- One of the best 60 Minutes ever. - Wallace sent me a letter of apology.

- I'll bet he did. Let's see it. - It's being perma-plaqued.

Get out of here, goddamn it. Go on, get out. Go on, out.

- Get out. - Just a minute.

This guy's nuts. This guy's nuts. I want this!

Look at me, my hands are shaking like a 90-year-old.

- Hello? - Hi. Did I wake you?

No.

I fell asleep for a minute. I'm up, though.

How are you? How you feeling?

Not too well.

Listen, Mrs. Yeager, I'm very sorry about yesterday.

Maybe somebody in the crew could help you find another doctor.

- What do you think? - No, that's okay. I'm not...

- That's okay. - Oh, okay.

Hey, it's a nice, sunny day out, huh?

Is there any place to go horseback riding around here?

My grandmother had a stroke this morning.

Oh, my God.

That's terrible.

- How old is she? - Eighty-one.

Well, that's very old. I mean, that's almost 90.

Did you tell Warren?

No, not yet.

Oh, Mrs. Yeager, you didn't call me first?

Yeah.

Don't do that. Share this with him.

I hope she'll be okay. I just...

Aw, she'll be all right.

I hadn't called in about three months.

- Honey... - I just...

Hi.

Gotta go. You cry it through, Mrs. Yeager.

Be alone. Share it with her husband.

- She called me. What are you writing? - Just some notes.

Ted, she called me. What kind of notes?

What happened to the effort to stay out of their lives?

Ted, she called me.

Ted doesn't understand.

Ted, Ted.

Ted.

Ted, look, I didn't do anything here.

Look, it's only the first week,

and she seems to be relying on you quite a bit.

- What do you mean? - Well, why didn't she call her husband?

Well, ask her that.

I'm not the Indian rubber man.

My arm didn't slither across the street and dial her phone

and then snap back in.

What, is the journal gonna print I'm interfering because I took a call?

I don't know what the journal's gonna print.

Ted, we've gotta lighten up here.

- Her grandmother had a stroke. - Mm-hm.

I'm just wondering if maybe you're a little uncomfortable because...

Well, you know, it's Phoenix, and you're the only...

Well, I mean, you know, there's not a lot of...

It's Phoenix. There's...

You know what I'm trying to say? You're...

You're the only...

Albert, you have more trouble dealing with a Black person

than any white man I have ever met.

I beg your pardon?

Hey, Black meets white.

Ted, I'm not trying to do anything.

I'm just trying to tune in on your particular level of anxiety.

- That's all. - Boogety, boogety, boo!

Ted, stop this taunting.

No, I'm not Black, nor do I claim to be.

Yes, there's fears, misunderstandings, and all that other mumbo-jumbo,

but they have nothing to do with this project.

I know more than anybody else you people will take over the earth.

You're stronger, faster, you use heat better.

You've got the whole next century wrapped up.

I know about Africa. It's seething. Boom, there it goes.

But it shouldn't stand in the way of this film.

We're working as a team, Ted.

We should put all that other stuff on the back burner.

Oh, yeah. We can put all that on the back burner.

Let me go in the kitchen and check on the burner now.

See, I find that insulting, Ted.

I find that insulting. I never said you talk like that.

That's why people like Jonas Salk think comedians are jerks.

Fine, he's writing that down. I'll write it too.

"I never said that."

Just get that down on paper. Get a permanent record of that too.

Date this. Now it's all permanent.

That's not what you said. You said this would be my scene.

- Lisa, we don't have the time. I'm sorry. - Albert!

I've gotta go. Larry, in here. Let's go.

- She's only getting confirmed once. - Honey, it's an emergency.

Good luck. Wait. Wait for the guy.

Okay. All right, he's in. Let's go.

Bye-bye.

- It's really not nice to break a promise. - Wait a second.

Jeannette, honestly, this is Sunday. I just don't have two crews.

- But my dress! - I'm filming your dress.

Get a good shot of her dress.

- This isn't fair. - It's okay.

If you have time, when you're finished, come by the church.

- We will. - Bye-bye.

- You liar! - Bye.

Bye-bye.

I feel bad about letting her down.

No, don't worry. She's fine. You made the right decision.

Maybe if you pull over, I can get another crew. I'll make a call.

I'm sure you did the best you could, really.

You haven't had an emergency since we've been here.

- I haven't had one in six months. - Really? This is exciting.

Yes, it is.

Don't worry, everything is under control.

Apparently, a beautiful old show horse had a heart attack

in the middle of a parade in downtown Phoenix.

Without an immediate and delicate bypass operation,

the horse wouldn't make it.

Although Yeager had performed this kind of surgery only once before,

he expressed confidence, and he put the horse's owner at ease.

At 11:30, preparation for surgery began.

Take it up.

Okay.

Things proceeded smoothly.

At 11:38, the horse was hooked up to the artificial respirator.

The time was drawing near.

At 11:41, Yeager and his assistants had finished their preparation.

We were ready.

You could feel the excitement in the air

as Yeager ordered the final dosage of anesthetic.

Okay, let's give him 2.5% halothane,

and then give me capillary refill time, please.

Two and a half percent.

Refill time, one second.

Good, that's good. Okay.

Let's go over our final checklist, and we're ready.

Respiration?

- Six. - Good.

Let me see, blood pressure now? What was the blood pressure earlier?

One-ten over 60.

What do we have now?

One hundred over 52.

Perfect, that's perfect.

Okay, let me see. Uh...

Check pupil dilation.

Good. Okay.

Color's good.

Let's check his pulse.

Okay. This is dressed properly.

- Pulse is 44. - Good.

- EKG? - Normal.

Okay.

Uh, let's give him the anesthetic, and we're on our way.

Two and a half percent halothane.

You want another 2.5%?

- Dr. Yeager? - What?

- Two and a half percent? - Yes.

- Dr. Yeager, that's 5% halothane. - Five?

No, no, no. I said 2.5%.

- I heard you order it twice. - Oh, no. Oh, no.

I couldn't have said that. Two and a half percent.

- You said it twice. - Oh, no.

That's too much. That's too much. That's too much.

- You ordered it. - Oh, no. I did?

- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure. We got it on the film.

Oh, my God.

Wait, don't panic.

Don't panic. Do something.

We have no pulse.

Two and a half and two and a half makes five.

The operation was over at 11:45, well ahead of schedule.

Oh, no.

Dr. Yeager took a short break,

and then asked if he could see me alone in his office.

Of course, I obliged.

- Quite an ordeal, huh? - Yes, it was.

Albert, I know we have an agreement,

and I probably shouldn't even be asking you this,

but I'd be rather embarrassed

if what just went on in there were included in this movie.

It's not gonna do me any good at all personally.

People in Phoenix are gonna see this movie.

Hmm, I think you're overreacting. I mean, I know what you're saying,

but I think it showed you in a very good light.

- It was very interesting. - I appreciate that.

But I'm gonna have to continue to work here

after this film comes out.

And I don't know, if I owned an animal and I saw me losing that horse,

whether I would trust me. You know?

Yeah, but I wouldn't worry about it.

You see, people go to doctors for personal reasons,

and you gave off something very good in there.

It seems like you did everything you could.

You just didn't know. You made a mistake.

- I don't know. - Everybody makes mistakes.

I don't know if people are that understanding

- when it comes to their own pets. - I think they are.

I've had people come to me

because somebody else botched up a broken leg on a dog, for example.

No, I think people are very understanding.

They've been very bitter about whomever they've been to before.

This is the worst possible advertising a person like me could have.

- You understand that? - Well, I'll tell you what.

- Don't worry about it now, okay? - It's on my mind now.

Forget it now. As far as you're concerned now, it's out.

You couldn't just sign something to that effect, could you?

Mm, no. I mean, I could, but then it's gonna be on my mind.

Hello?

No one's in there.

Dr. Yeager?

What the hell's going on here?

Hello? Anybody home?

Could you at least give me some kind of assurance

that this won't be the only time in the movie you'll see me working?

I mean, can you show me saving all those cats and dogs?

Come on, will you?

Remember the old saying, "To err is human, to film divine."

No, it was very good.

- What happened? - We lost her.

- You lost her? - I'm sorry.

- How could you lose her? - Look, I'm really sorry.

Don't you have people here who stay with the animals?

Let's get the damn hell out of here and find her.

That was just the beginning of what was to be a bad time

in the Yeagers' lives.

On Wednesday, Mrs. Yeager was informed

that her grandmother passed away from the stroke.

The funeral took place two days later, and we were graciously allowed to film it.

Through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.

Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life.

He that believeth in me, though he were dead..."

I hate to keep harping on this,

but I can't concentrate on my work anymore.

I mean, I shouldn't have killed an animal that size.

This isn't the place. We'll talk about it later.

Honey, this is the place. I'm upset, you're upset.

What if he uses that scene?

Could you please stop talking about the movie for just one minute?

- What's the matter? - What's the matter?

Look up there. That's my grandmother.

I realize that, honey,

but what's gonna happen when the kids go to school

and their friends say, "Hey, did your dad really kill that horse?"

What are the kids gonna say?

What are the kids gonna tell their friends?

If I could have your undivided attention,

I'm sure you'll feel better after this is over.

Let us pray. Almighty God...

Things got worse.

The following week was one of the most depressing periods

I had experienced since early childhood.

The entire family was now grief-stricken.

She with her grandmother, he with the grandmother and the animal.

Day after day was the same.

Lifeless.

Dr. Yeager would sleep sometimes for 18 hours straight.

As a filmmaker, I was frustrated. I wanted to help.

- Dr. Yeager? - ...from Stereo 106.

An exhibition of paintings by Navajo children

will be on display throughout the month...

Dr. Yeager?

Hello?

Jeanette? It's Albert.

Hi.

Listen, I know that you two have been very depressed, and, uh...

Well, I've been avoiding you.

I don't know if you're aware of it, but I have for a couple of weeks,

because I didn't think that we should be getting involved.

And now I'm beginning to think that if I can help you,

maybe you can help everybody else, so, uh...

What am I trying to say? You wanna have dinner with me?

- A snack? You wanna...? - Dinner?

Well, I mean, look.

I thought about that scene that we had at the shopping center.

And it was a good scene. It was good. It was nice action.

And we talked, and that's more than anyone else is doing right now,

so, I mean, maybe, I don't know, come on over.

Albert, I feel badly about that day.

I'm still a little embarrassed about that.

I think that what you said there was right.

- What did I say? - Remember, you said

about you not being any better than what I already have.

I said that?

I think that you were right.

Oh, come on, get serious.

I have to make this work

or I'm not gonna have any respect for myself. You know what I mean?

I see. Okay.

Aw, Albert, this has nothing to do with you. It's between Warren and me.

You hate me, then, now, right?

No, no, no. I think you're very nice.

Nice. Okay, look, you do what you have to do.

Just talk, though, see? Work it out with language. It helps.

Because I'm not D.W. Griffith.

I'm gonna get in big trouble if there's no dialogue.

- We will. - Okay. Promise?

- It's going to get better. - Great.

It didn't.

The following Saturday,

Jeanette invited some friends over for a barbecue.

She set the table, he set the mood.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I had decided that was it.

These people had been depressed

long enough.

Hello?

- Where are the kids? - What're you doing?

- I need the kids. Where are the kids? - School. Lisa had a test.

Oh, Lisa had a test. Where's Eric?

- Went with Lisa. - Oh.

Well, look.

This was just a very serious attempt to cheer everybody up.

But I needed the kids. It was really for them.

- I'll come back when they're home. - No, Albert, please come in.

We're just talking here.

- Please come in. - But I did this...

- I'll come back when the kids are home. - I understand, but please come in.

- I really need to talk-- - Let me shower.

- Albert, please. - Okay, we'll come in. Okay, okay, okay.

- Hi. - Hi.

No, I gotta go home. Come on.

Albert, please. I'd really appreciate it.

- Just sit down for a moment. Thank you. - All right, okay.

How are you?

- You want a cup of coffee? - No, no.

Hi.

Well, I'm sure you know that...

we're upset.

What, are you kidding me?

That's why I rented this whole outfit.

"You didn't rent me."

- Bunny, we're talking seriously now. - Wait, Albert, wait.

I don't know too much about it,

but I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown.

Oh. No.

Don't act like that. Come on.

The best thing you can do is just to relax.

See, when you feel this way, you clam up.

That's no good.

I understand. There's been a couple of deaths.

So what?

Look, I haven't gotten used to this whole process myself.

I cried the other night.

- About what? - I don't remember.

See? I'm mixed up too. I just don't clam up.

Look.

There's a big meeting at the end of this month.

You know, with the institute and the people from the studio.

The one we're not invited to?

"I can't go either."

That's right, he can't.

Why don't I see if I can call it earlier?

Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday, if they can get down here.

I don't know exactly what to tell you, but these people do.

They're scientists. That's their business.

If you'd listen to me, though, I think you'd feel better.

Just get it out. Don't internalize.

Talk to anybody. A neighbor. Talk to an animal.

Really, Warren.

Trust me.

We called the meeting for Wednesday.

These monthly feedback and input sessions

were crucial to the success of this project.

For the institute, this was the time to provide analysis and guidance,

based on the footage they were viewing.

For the studio, this was the time to discuss financial matters,

personnel problems, and other cinematic details.

This was Dr. Jeremy Nolan, project coordinator for the institute,

an ambitious man.

Dr. Anne Kramer, a good psychologist, generally a nice person.

I think she liked me.

Dr. Hill was there, Dr. Cleary,

and Martin Brand, the studio executive in charge of this picture.

Brand took this project over from a younger man who was fired.

Martin was used to the old Hollywood with its big stars and lavish sets.

He didn't know what we were doing here.

I guess that's why he felt it was unnecessary

to actually come to Phoenix.

So we've taken voice prints from Day 12 to Day 18,

compared them against the prints of these same people

from the first week of the project.

And no matter which way we computed them, they came out the same.

These people are definitely operating differently now

than when filming started.

There are changes in all four voice print patterns.

And the extent of these changes

is confirmed by changes in body temperature,

as revealed by the infrared analysis of the film.

Each of us may have a different explanation for what's going on,

but it's undeniable

you've strongly altered the reality you're filming.

In my opinion, you're getting a false reality here,

and I don't know what you're gonna do about it.

Me? Wait a second.

I'd like to get back to something Anne said a little earlier.

You said you think I look heavier now than when the filming started.

Where would that be? In the cheeks?

I said that in some of the later footage, you look somewhat fatigued.

- I see. That's all right. - Not fat, fatigued.

I've been up a lot. Fatigued is okay, but not heavy.

I eat raw vegetables. There's no reason I should--

- Mr. Brooks. - Yes?

- You look fine. - Okay.

Now, I'd like, if we could, to go to Day 4.

I believe that's Scene 31.

Now, here's some footage I'd like to show you.

Lights.

What?

- What did you say? - Lights.

Oh. No. See, this is my home, it's not a projection room.

Say, "Would you turn the lights off?" I'd say, "Sure."

"Lights," he says. Man lives in the kitchen?

Uh...

Now, we've blown up what I wanna show you,

and I'm gonna keep repeating it because it's hard to catch the first time.

In fact, the computer didn't catch it till the second run.

When we started filming Warren Yeager,

he was drinking coffee with his right hand only,

no assistance at all from his left hand.

As distinctive a trait as handwriting.

Now watch again. Right hand only.

That's it.

Now, on Day 13,

he starts drinking coffee with both his hands.

Now, watch the decision. There. Now watch again.

What?

Watch the decision.

There. See?

He's much less reliant on his entire right side.

Oh, come on.

Yes, it's conceivable that within two months,

he will have shifted the cup entirely to his left hand,

and his right hand will remain unused throughout the entire gesture.

Mm-hm. Total change in body language.

Lights.

Very interesting. I hadn't noticed it at all.

Wait a minute. This cup could've been hot.

Nope. The infrared analysis of the film

shows no difference in the effective temperature of the dish.

Albert, may I interrupt for one minute, please?

People aren't gonna walk out of a theater saying,

"I don't like that guy who holds the cup with one hand, with two hands."

Absolutely.

I'll tell you what they do have a good chance of saying.

"Where the hell is Paul Newman? Where's Redford? Where's Nicholson?"

- Jesus. - Believe me,

they'd prefer Nicholson with the cup than the cup with the other guy.

Albert, so you keep the Yeamens,

but you gotta get somebody in the movie, for Christ's sake.

You maybe ought to add a next-door neighbor,

or a boss, or a cleaning lady.

Somebody with a name. Somebody who'd draw some people.

You've got rock friends.

Would it be so bad to have Neil Diamond sitting at a meeting like this?

Schmuck, you'll make a hell of a lot more money with Neil Diamond

than with the guy with the cup.

Can we get back on the track? I need someone to get that cup for me.

Stop with the cup. Really, I can't hear this anymore.

I don't know what you're talking about. Explain to me in English, please.

Quite simply, the filming has triggered a drastic emotional change

in these people's lives.

They don't know how to deal with it, and you don't know either.

And that's bad?

I don't live in a world of good and bad. I don't talk that language.

We're building a lot of conclusions on a little bit of evidence.

Maybe what these people are going through is growth.

- Maybe it's inevitable and healthy. - Absolutely right. Howard's right.

Excuse me. I would like to hear from Dr. Cleary.

- You really wanna know what I think? - Yes, please.

Okay.

One, we get out of these people's lives. We must get out of this house.

- Wait a minute. - I'm not through.

We go away at night. We film only when scheduled.

We give them some privacy and stability,

so that when they wake up in the morning, they don't think they're on a movie set.

A movie set. Martin, tell him how different this is from a movie set.

On a movie set, you got actors that are well-known.

If they give you trouble,

you call their agents and put heat under their ass.

Thanks. Ted, there's no reason to get out of this house.

I spent a lot of money in purchasing it, and in decorating it. It's unnecessary.

- It is very necessary. - It's not necessary.

You know how difficult it is to get wallpaper?

- How difficult is it to get wallpaper? - It's very difficult. This is Phoenix.

We're talking about people's lives, you're talking about wallpaper.

You know you spend 80% of your life looking at walls?

Gentlemen, please.

- I had to send to L.A. for that wallpaper! - The reason why you moved...

Wait a minute.

May I please make a suggestion that might break this logjam?

- Mr. Brooks, please. - What?

Right. The institute has a center up in the foothills

that's used for encounter and therapy sessions,

mainly for our executives and clients.

I think we should consider taking the Yeagers there for a weekend.

I think they'll open up again.

Oh, yes. You mean like Echelon? Like hot tubs?

- Nature trails, massage. - Absolutely.

See? That's something I can use. Great, thank you.

Are you crazy? You wanna fly all these people to Colorado?

- What? - Just put them all on drugs.

Get them psychiatrists.

Enroll them in private schools while you're at it.

Just a minute. We got a budget.

Remember the costs, Dr. Clearson. Please remember the costs.

Oh, yeah, costs. You spend a half of a million dollars on research.

I don't think you've spent a dime finding a qualified person to head this project.

You've got someone at the controls of a 747

who's never even flown as a passenger.

That was Airport '76.

Ted, I think I've logged more miles

than you and your entire university put together.

- You're missing the point. - I'm not.

I'm a million-miler. I'll show you my pin.

I get into any VIP lounge in this country. I knock, I tell them my name,

give them the PIN number, I sit in the lounge.

I can have coffee and donuts, without even flying anywhere.

How many people do you know who can just go down

to an airport lounge and say, "Let me in, please, I just wanna sit"?

I can do that, Ted, in O'Hare Airport.

I've taken a date there before, after a movie.

Just had coffee in the lounge, and I wasn't even flying anywhere.

- Missing your point. - Albert, Albert.

Ted, come on. I feel what we need now is a break.

- I'm starving. Can we eat? - Great idea.

I know a great Mexican-like restaurant. I'll treat.

Come on, we're just getting all cooped up here.

All right, Albert, I'm gonna hang up now.

- Okay, Martin. - I wanna leave you with two words.

- Yeah? - James Caan.

- Is that real enough for you? - That's great. Bye-bye.

- Come on, Ted. - Albert, Albert.

- Can I speak to you a second? - Come on, let's go eat.

- Could you sit down for a minute? - Sure.

My association with this project has ended.

I'm leaving Phoenix as soon as I can.

Why? Because we just had a little tiff?

Come on, Ted. Come out and eat. You'll feel better.

No, you'll feel better. Eating doesn't do that for me.

- We're not the same person. - I'm gonna have to disagree with you.

I think we're very much alike.

See, that's why we can get into these kind of debates.

I think you'd be surprised at how much alike we really are.

I'd be more than surprised. I'd be suicidal.

Good luck to you.

Ted, may I ask a personal question?

Don't you like the accommodations? Do you want a suite?

Really, sometimes two rooms can make a big difference.

You read in one and sleep in the other.

I know a single can get depressing. I can take care of it.

- You amaze me, truly. - Well, thank you.

But what about the Journal of American Psychology?

It's just possible, if you leave now,

the journal may not be thrilled with a half-assed job.

The Journal of American Psychology? Are you kidding?

Their field is science, not buffoonery.

You take care, yeah?

What do you mean their field is science, Ted?

Wait a minute, Ted. Come back.

If their field is science, what do you think this is?

Look, Ted. This is science.

What is the institute? Dry cereal?

Ted, come back. Science. Look.

It's all science!

Ted, come back!

Ted?

I was upset by Dr. Cleary's sudden departure.

But it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

We're gonna need some help. Larry, don't worry about filming that.

I think the pressure of the Journal was just too much for everyone.

Yeah, put it in your living room.

Given a little time and help from his wife and family,

Dr. Yeager started to come out of his shell.

I was grateful, and I wanted him to know it.

Wait. Larry, we're gonna need some help, okay?

- We'll get help. - I feel guilty about taking it.

- It's so beautiful. - No, don't feel guilty.

Someone gave it to me. I can't use it. What am I gonna do, throw it away?

- Why can't you use it? - It's very expensive.

- I know. Why don't you use it? - Well, it's just,

I'm in the business, you know? And it's too big for me.

It just makes me insecure to see TV that big.

- But you can get anything on it. - Yeah, football.

You like football? The ball comes right into your room, huh?

- You like to go to the football games? - Yes.

Open up for me. Season tickets.

- You'll do good. You'll love this thing. - I love it.

- It's very expensive. - I know, thank you. Thanks a million.

Okay, okay. Help. We need help.

Well, the storm had passed.

By the middle of February, my film making dream had come true.

I had a happy family, a beautiful city,

and a chance to show the French what a montage was all about.

And then, something happened.

Still moving at a leisurely pace,

the Yeagers were shocked when they picked up the Sunday edition

of The Arizona Republic, dated February 19th.

On page one of part B was the first in a series of five articles from a new book.

The book was called, Nightmare in the Desert.

Its author, Dr. Theodore Cleary.

Apparently, Cleary took his notes from the journal

and decided to make the fast buck.

Stringing together a bunch of familiar catchphrases

like "mind control" and "psychological rape,"

he wrote one of those quickie books,

the kind you peddle to the publishers who missed out on Watergate.

Howard, please don't come into my house and read crap, okay?

- If you want to do it, stay at the hotel. - Albert, you ought to read this, really.

Ask any great entertainer. You don't read bad reviews.

"Out of sight, out of mind." Jolson said it.

He, uh... He says you're dangerous.

They called Babe Ruth dangerous, hmm?

- He also says you're paranoid. - They called Babe Ruth paranoid too.

I'm making breakfast. If you want to eat it, no reading.

- Hello? - Hi. Did you read it?

- Hi, Mitz. I'm reading it now. - What, you're like prisoners of war?

I don't know. I wanna finish reading.

- What's going on? - I'll call you back.

- I'll get it. - No, honey. No, I'll get it.

- Yes? - Mr. Yeager?

- Dr. Yeager. - I'm sorry. Jim Sanders, Channel 5 news.

- Can we come in? - What can I do for you?

It's kind of windy out there. Do you mind if we come in?

- Yeah, all right. - Thank you.

- Hey, you're from TV, Channel 12. - You're close. Channel 5.

- Your girl? - Yeah. What can I do for you?

We're having breakfast.

Oh, I don't wanna interrupt. You go right ahead.

We're just following up on that story in the paper this morning,

the one about the bizarre Phoenix family.

Looks like we got a national news story right in our backyard.

I wondered if we could film you guys having breakfast, maybe?

- Is that okay? - They're already doing it.

- Oh. What's that thing? - It's a camera.

Oh, yeah? Look at that. I wonder how we can work that into the story.

Uh, excuse me. I wanna make a quick call.

- One second. - Yeah, sure. Hey, listen. One thing.

In the paper, it kind of implies there's brainwashing going on here.

- Any comment? - Excuse me just one second.

- Please excuse me. - Can I take that to mean yes?

- Hello? Hi. - Albert, it's Warren.

- Could you come over here right away? - Let me eat first, babe.

No, please don't eat first.

There's a whole news crew here from Channel 12.

- Channel 5. - What?

Channel 5. Albert?

Albert?

Not now. Come on.

The fellow you wanna see will be right over.

Oh, yeah. This is Ted Cleary, huh?

- No, Albert Brooks. - Oh, right. He's what?

How do you mean?

I'm trying to get all positions straight. There were so many names in that article,

I can't tell who was who, frankly.

- May I help you? - Yeah. You're Al, right?

- I'm Albert, yes. - Hey, great. Channel 5 news, Al.

We're doing some follow-up on that story in the paper this morning.

Dr. Yeager was telling me you're filming him and his family having breakfast.

I thought maybe when you're done, if you could get them to put on

another quick breakfast thing for us to film, it'd really help us out.

- Pardon? - I don't say this on every story I go on.

But this feels big. It really feels good. Everybody in town will be on it.

But since we're the first, I thought we could get something special.

- Feels big? Feels good? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- Get out of here. You're trespassing. - Neil! Get film on this guy!

Get nothing on this! You're trespassing, get out!

- This is a movie set. - This is a news story!

No, it's a movie! This is copyrighted. Out!

- How do you copyright somebody's life? - Hum a few bars, figure it out!

- Get out! Just move! - Neil, I want film on this guy.

- No, you don't. Get out of here! - I want to tell you something.

This started out to be some puff piece. Now you got me pissed off.

I'm gonna get out of here, and I'll come back with a court order.

- Court order? - That's right!

I'll get the biggest lawyer down to this jerkwater burg.

You'll see a jury so fast, you won't know what hit you!

- What you think of that? - Mr. Cleary, you'll regret this.

It's Mr. Brooks! And don't threaten me! I work better under pressure!

Get out!

It's fine. Go back. Have a good breakfast.

I'll be across the street. I'll take a shower.

The shower didn't help.

Dr. Yeager!

The media stayed away from the Yeagers' house.

However, off their property, they were fair game.

It started on Monday afternoon.

While coming home from lunch,

Dr. and Mrs. Yeager encountered a Live Eye truck.

It won't take long. Come on. We heard those awful things about it.

- I'm sorry. Excuse us. - Please. Come on, talk to us.

Dr. Yeager!

Mrs. Yeager!

Tuesday afternoon.

Wait, Mrs. Yeager. Are they hurting you?

While returning from a shopping spree,

Mrs. Yeager and the children were accosted.

Lisa, Eric. No, please...

You'd think the news would have something better to do in this big city.

No comment at this time. Leave us alone.

How are your children holding up?

- Everything is fine. Please. - How old are your children?

Dr. Yeager, a couple of words. Can you take just a second?

Doctor? What are they doing to you?

Are they trying to hurt you and your family?

Look over here, Dr. Yeager.

- Are they hurting you? - Doctor, give us a minute.

- Dr. and Mrs. Yeager. - No comment.

Why did you come to see this film?

Please, please.

- Can you tell me this? - No comment on the film?

- Will you see the second feature? - Kids, don't say anything.

- Were you forced to see this movie? - Over here.

Albert, some members of the institute board...

An emergency meeting was called for 6:00 p.m. on Saturday, the 25th.

It was requested by the head of the National Institute of Human Behavior,

Dr. Isaac Steven Hayward.

...an entirely a new field of psychological--

And approved by Martin Brand,

who considered this meeting important enough to call from Catalina,

interrupting the first vacation he'd had in over a week.

Albert, we're known in Europe.

As I sat across the table from this man,

I was slowly losing my respect for higher education.

Also, he wore far too much cologne.

When you have a reputation in as difficult a field as this,

you've got to maintain it.

And you think something's going on here

preventing you from maintaining your reputation?

I have no opinion.

But we've done a great many tests in the last five days.

Everything from public opinion surveys to urinalysis of our own staff.

Fine. What do the tests tell you?

They indicate to us that our efforts here have come to the end of their useful life.

Anything beyond this point would be severely counterproductive.

I see. Now it's becoming clear.

The institute gets a little heat, and boom,

they not only leave the kitchen, they take the whole kitchen with them.

Let's consider the family.

What'd you do? Run urine tests on them too?

We did a series on them, yes.

Thanks, Howie. Hope you didn't get your little hands wet.

Come on. Jesus Christ!

These people are very close to complete personality disintegration.

Oh, don't make me laugh.

I don't remember when I haven't been close to complete personality disintegration.

And how would you know what they're feeling anyway?

From your Mickey Mouse tests?

Don't blame the tests for what they tell us.

I don't blame them. They're great. Why don't we do more, huh? More tests?

I bet you'd like it, Nolan.

Wanna get that cup again? I'll get you lots of cups.

Maybe a hundred cups. I'll tell you something about you people.

You're great with cups, but what you don't have are balls.

Ask any magician, he'll tell you that cups without balls doesn't mean jack shit.

Albert, what the hell are you talking about?

Look, let's not argue.

Say the family's fine. Say the family's perfect.

Let's talk about you for a minute. Look what you've done.

You failed, that's what you did. You schmuck, you failed.

You started out with this artsy-craftsy reality crap,

but what did you end up with?

The news! The goddamn news!

People get that for free.

You think somebody's gonna hire a babysitter, take a taxicab,

go all the way the hell downtown, go up to the box office,

shell out four bucks and say, "Here! Here's my four dollars!

What time does the news go on?"

"Here. Here's my four dollars." ls money your entire life, Martin?

Money! Money! Let's talk about human beings for a minute.

Across the street are four people. These people had a dream.

They took on a project. It was new, it was exciting.

And it was supposed to go a whole year, not two months.

I'm in show business. I'm used to my commitments being dumped on.

But these people are ordinary people with ordinary feelings.

You wanna go across the street and tell them?

No, you won't even come down here!

Do you wanna take that responsibility? No!

I think they know more than you give them credit for.

Look who's talking. The pee hoarder.

Someone should answer the door.

Why? Why not take a urinalysis of it?

We'll know who it is without going there. Isn't that a great idea? Come on, Nolan!

More data! More data! We need more data. Come on, Dr. Cup! More data!

More data, huh? Get some data for me! More data!

More data! More data! We need more, more.

Hi.

What a breath of fresh air. Please, come in.

Here are your tests, your living tests.

Dr. and Mrs. Yeager, I'm in the communications business.

It's my job to get through to these people.

But I don't think I'm doing very good at it.

I don't think they understand the meaning of the word "commitment,"

the word "dedication."

Maybe you can explain it to them.

We wanna stop.

What?

- This is over. - No.

I don't wanna get into more of your intellectual arguments.

This is ruining our lives. This is not what we bargained for.

There was no bargaining. You applied, we accepted.

Albert, the children are afraid to go to school.

- That's normal, trust me. - I don't care what you think is normal.

We no longer want to be involved in this project.

- That's final. That's it. - This was the whole family's decision.

I'll bet it was.

- I'm sure Eric got a full vote. - We're not gonna discuss this.

Okay, wait, no discussion. Just a few facts and loose ends.

$25,000. More than half your money was due on the completion of this picture.

I don't think this is the end.

You'll have to go without the boat,

the trailer you've been talking about for a couple of months, and Lisa's braces.

I know about teeth. She may look all right now.

In three years, she'll be an elephant girl.

These come right down to her waist.

Also, if something, God forbid, really bad happens, you have no insurance.

You're not in the Screen Actors Guild. You have no coverage, no benefits.

Stop it! With what they've been through,

we should pay them and forget about it.

Okay, we'll forget about it.

Go ahead, take the money. I wanna get the family I wanted to choose.

- What was their name, the one I wanted? - The Feltons.

The Feltons, Wisconsin! That's the heart of this country.

Here's what I say. We all take a week off. I'll get a high colonic.

Then we'll come back with a new family, a bigger institute--

And another studio.

We're not spending another dime on this picture!

You're nuts to want to do this again.

Don't call me nuts! You're nuts!

- You're nuts! - You're nuts!

- You're nuts! - You're nuts! You're nuts!

- Oh, you schmuck. You're nuts! - You're nuts!

- I'm hanging up! - You're nuts! You little... No, no, no.

No, no, no. Wait. Please, wait! Oh, wait, wait!

Let's think about me for just one second.

Dr. Yeager, animals don't go to movies.

You think 6000 dogs are gonna come out of Radio City going,

"Hmm, I didn't like the vet so much"?

No, no.

I have to deal with people like John Simon and Rex Reed.

Have you ever met these people? They're killers.

What are they gonna see? January and February in Phoenix?

You think that's gonna do it for me?

I got nothing on you. I got no birthdays.

I don't have any holidays. I got nothing.

Where am I gonna be July 4th? Sitting alone in L.A.?

No. I wanna be here with you, filming you.

Where am I gonna be Halloween? Sitting alone? No.

I wanna follow Lisa around in her cute costume.

What about Thanksgiving? I wanna see you eat that ham.

I wanna watch you carve up the ham.

And Christmas? Oh, please, I wanna be here for Christmas!

I want that 12-foot tree

with the angel hair and the popcorn balls!

- Please! Please! - Albert, Albert, please.

- Please, Albert. - I'm fine.

Folks, we're going to need your signatures on some disclaimers

and some statements on film.

Just a few short seconds.

Albert? Albert, here.

- What is it? - Valium.

Thanks. What am I gonna wash it down with? Urine, Howard?

Go on, Albert, take it. It'll be good for you.

Thanks for being so considerate. You were a big help at the table.

Why don't you get the disclaimers? Just go get the disclaimers from them.

Okay.

- Oh, my God. - Mr. Brooks?

- How did this happen? - Are you okay?

I put some coffee on.

Thank you.

Folks, uh, if you don't mind,

we'll have you sign these standard forms relating to limitations of liability.

I'm sure you have your clients sign much the same thing, doctor.

And while you're doing that,

I'll ask you some questions and get your answers on film.

This would normally be done at the end of the project, which this is.

What a sad day. I'm a big jerk. I ruined their life.

How did I do it? I didn't mean to do it.

- I'm a failure. I'm a failure. - You're not a failure.

Yes, I am.

I'm a failure.

How did it happen? I had good intentions.

Hey, it can't be that bad.

Look, you heard what he said. His kids can't go to school.

They're all screwed up. They'll never be the same again.

Why do I even make movies? I have no right. I shouldn't be allowed.

"Did any representative of the National Institute of Human Behavior

at any time interfere with the normal conduct

of your business or family life?"

Keeping in mind that Mr. Brooks is not connected with the institute.

Oh. No.

You know what I gotta go do now?

I gotta go put this on and go down to a children's hospital and make kids laugh.

- I can't do it. - Hospital?

It's a benefit. I committed to it weeks ago.

But I can't be the happy clown. What am I gonna say to them?

"Hello, kids. My movie just got screwed up, but that's okay.

Get well, because someday you'll go out and have some jerk film you."

Why did I pick reality? Why that, out of all the subjects?

I don't know anything about it.

What was I doing?

I'm a stupid, stupid jerk.

"Were you coerced in any way to participate in this project?"

No.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Stop me if I do it. I overreact a lot.

- It's good, huh? - Yeah.

I shouldn't be hard on myself. We got good scenes. You're right.

Hey, it's a good movie.

We got nice things. We got animals, we got kids.

We got sunny days. What else do you want?

So it ended eight months early. Like an abortion.

It's an abortion.

I'm involved in an abortion. God, I'm in big trouble.

"You suffered no financial or monetary damage

as a result of any dealings with representatives of the institute?"

No.

"Did you assume any financial obligations

which might result in any claims against the institute by third parties?"

No, no.

They were gonna give me a year. A whole year.

I was gonna do something nice. I was gonna end with New Year's!

Up! Up! The beginning! New!

Something so audiences can go home and smile.

But this?

"Would this experience prejudice you against participating in another type

of audience or marketing research at some future date?"

- I don't think so. - Well, not a live-in.

Not a live-in, no.

I never thought I'd say this. The studio is right.

The audience loves fake. They crave fake.

Reality sucks.

I can do fake. I'm capable.

I won't get a chance. I won't be able to work again.

Come on, take it easy.

Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's not too late.

We can end this movie fake.

We can end it big. We can end it up. We can send the people home happy.

- Mr. Brooks! - What?

What? There's no law that says, "Start real, can't end fake."

What are they gonna do, put me in movie jail?

It's a fake jail. Come on.

What's the biggest movie ever made? We'll take, we'll borrow.

That's the meaning of art. You borrow a little, a little.

Put it together, it's new. What's the biggest movie? Star Wars.

- Sir? You okay? - How did it end?

Zoom!

They blew up a planet!

They blew up a planet! Fantastic! We can do that!

- How did they do it? What's the trick? - I don't know.

Come on! Help me!

"Has your association with the institute benefitted your life in any way?"

I'd like to think about that a little.

- What's the second biggest film? - Hmm.

Jaws. All right, Jaws.

Ooh, this is a good idea. This is a good idea. I can save this picture!

Jaws. Oh, my God, Pete.

There is a gigantic fish down at the zoo. I remember when we were there filming.

The zookeeper's a fan. I gave him an autograph.

He'll let us in tonight. I can get the family down there.

We'll have this confrontation. Gigantic fish, family.

They'll meet. I'll put music behind it.

I'm mentally ill. I'm going nuts.

Oh, God, what am I gonna do?

What's the third biggest film? Gone with the Wind.

Oh, timeless, timeless film. Beautiful film. How did it end?

- I didn't see it. - You didn't see it?

You didn't see Gone with the Wind?

Only the biggest film ever made. You didn't see it?

My God, it was spectacular, Pete.

Go see it. You're in this business.

They only burn down the city of Atlanta. A gigantic fire. I mean...

Mr. Brooks?

Oh.

Mr. Brooks?

"Had you heard of the institute before the project began?"

No.

"Which of the tests did you enjoy the most?"

I enjoyed working with the computers.

I wouldn't say that I enjoyed any of the testing.

- Is the coffee burning? - No, that smells a little like toast.

You didn't put anything...?

Excuse me for a second, please.

- Albert, what? No! - Trust me!

- Albert! - Albert! What are you doing?

- What are you doing? - Isn't it beautiful?

- Albert! - Look at that!

- The kids! - Yeah, the kids!

Save the kids! Would you look at this ending?

- This ending is so beautiful! - Albert, stop! Stop! Are you crazy?

Crazy? Get out! Go ahead, get out of here! Was David O. Selznick crazy?

- Albert! - Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Pete! Pete! Oh, my God!

- Come here! - I can't see!

Are you okay? Look! Can you see it? Can you see it?

It's beautiful. Focus for me, baby!

- I can't see! I can't see! - So beautiful! It's so beautiful!

- I can't see! - It's beautiful! God, it's beautiful!

Go, Lisa, run! Albert, for God's sake, get out!

Save them! Save them! Look at them go!

Oh, this is so exciting! This is a million times better than a big fish!

Oh, this is so beautiful! We did it, Pete!

- We did it! We did it! - I can't see!

- I can't see! - We did it!

Look at it, babe!

The most spectacular ending anybody could have ever had!

Humor! Pathos! Tragedy!

And it's real! It's real!

Their house is really burning!