Original subtitles

[gentle music playing]

-[music distorts, fades] -[fishing boy] Huh?

[yelps]

[foreboding music playing]

[explosion]

[music swells]

[eerie operatic singing]

[music ends]

[wind whooshing]

["When You See (Those Flying Saucers)" playing on TV]

♪ You'd better pray to the Lord When you see those flying saucers ♪

♪ It may be the coming Of the Judgment Day ♪

-[laptop beeping] -[paddle ball toy clatters]

-[keyboard clacking] -[laptop chimes]

Hey, Jerry, you might wanna check this one out.

-Uh, Palomar just picked it up. -[tense music playing]

Looks like some type of UFO, and it's heading this way.

How many times do I have to tell you this?

UFOs don't exist and we're never gonna see…

-[laptop chiming] -[keyboard clacking]

Wow, its energy signature is massive.

Holy Cheez-Its! What do we do? No one ever told us what to do.

The only reason I took this job is 'cause you never have to do anything!

Jerry, stop it. Let me calculate its impact point.

-[keyboard clacking] -Looks like… Modesto, California.

Supernova, this is Red Dwarf. We actually have one.

Code Nimoy. I repeat, Code Nimoy!

-[crickets chirping] -[eerie music playing]

[dog barking in distance]

-[raspy breathing] -[gurgling]

[door creaking]

-[switch clicks] -[music ends]

[all scream]

-[raspy breathing] -[gurgling sipping]

[camera shutter clicks]

What are you guys doing here? It's five o'clock in the morning.

Hurry, turn on the TV. Turn it on now.

…And some early morning fog, giving way to sunny skies.

Seventy-five degrees.

A perfect day to stop by the old folk art and craft show

down at the fairgrounds, or a perfect day to marry Susan Murphy.

[tender music playing]

[whispering] I love you, baby.

-I love you too. -[women] Aw!

Aw!

-And good morning, Modesto! -["Tell Him" playing]

-[farmer's voice] Channel 172. -[camera shutter clicks]

♪ I know something about love ♪

♪ You've gotta want it bad If that guy's got into your blood… ♪

You look gorgeous, sweetheart.

Thanks, Mom.

♪ …The very part of you Makes you want to breathe… ♪

Ah! My little girl.

Daddy!

Now, I want you to know that even though I'm about to give you away…

[sniffles] …I will always be here to take care of you.

Don't cry, because then you're gonna make me cry,

and that's just gonna be a mess.

[sobs] I can't help it.

♪ …You gotta show it And make him see the moon up above ♪

Hello, everyone! Attention, attention!

-Wedding starts in 30 minutes. -[camera shutter clicks]

-Let's get everything ready. -My beautiful daughter-in-law!

-Hi, Mama Dietl. -It's like a fairy tale.

The weatherman and the weatherman's wife. [sighs] Romantic.

Oh, I know.

Just think, this time tomorrow, I'm gonna be in Paris.

And someday, we won't just be honeymooning there.

Derek will become an anchor or a foreign correspondent.

-And we'll travel all over the world. -Oh, honey, my fingers are crossed.

[creepy music sting]

One thumb is shorter than the other. It runs in the family.

Derek doesn't have that.

It skips a generation. Your kids are gonna have it. [laughs]

[chuckles nervously]

[birds chirping]

[sighs deeply]

Wow, you look beautiful.

-Oh. So do you. -[romantic music playing]

I mean, handsome. [chuckles]

I mean… [sighs] Sorry. I'm just a little frazzled.

I just spent way too much time with our parents.

Don't worry, okay? We'll be alone soon, just us.

Mm. Eating cheese and baguettes by the Seine,

feeding each other chocolate crêpes.

-Hmm. -Um…

Is something wrong?

No, no. It's just that, well… [sighs] …there's been a slight change of plans.

-We're not going to Paris. -What?

-Why not? -Because we're going somewhere better.

-Better than Paris? -Oh, yeah.

-Where? Tahiti? -Nope.

-Fresno. -Fresno! Fresno.

[romantic music ends]

In what universe is Fresno better than Paris, Derek?

In the I've-got-an-audition-to-become Channel-23's-new-evening-anchor universe.

[laughs]

I got the call from the general manager, and he wants me to come in immediately!

-Isn't that great? -[subdued music playing]

Derek, that's… amazing! It's amazing. [chuckles]

Fresno's like a top 50 market, isn't it?

Actually, it's 55th, but we're on our way, babe. [kisses]

[sighs] Now, look. About Paris…

Oh, it's okay. [chuckles] It's fine. As long as we're together,

Fresno is the most romantic city in the whole world.

-I'm so proud of you. -Of us. Not just of me.

I mean, of course, but we're a team now. You're so proud of us.

Now, get out of here. It's bad luck to see me in my dress.

Oh, come on. You know I don't believe in that stuff.

I'll be waiting for you at the altar.

The handsome news anchor in the tux, all right? [chuckles]

-Love you. There, I said it. [chuckles] -I love you too.

-[distant rumbling] -[gasps]

[dramatic music playing]

[rumbling intensifies]

[gasps, pants]

-[groans] -[dramatic music concludes]

[meteorite thrumming]

Susan! [sighs] Where could she be?

-Susan. Where are you? -[soft music playing]

[gasps]

[gasps, groans]

-Susan. -[gasps]

-Where have you been? -I think I just got hit by a meteorite.

Oh, Susan, every bride feels that way on her wedding day.

My goodness, look at you. You're filthy. Thank God I have Wet Ones.

[dramatic music playing]

["Bridal Chorus" playing]

[indistinct chatter]

-[gasps] -[music fades]

-Wow. You're glowing. -[groomsmen gasp]

[dramatic music playing]

Thank you. [chuckles]

No. No, Susan, you're, like, really glowing. You're green!

[gasps] Oh, no. Whoa!

Derek.

-[guests gasping] -Oh, my gosh.

-What's going on? What's happening here? -You're all shrinking.

[Derek] Uh-uh. You're growing.

-[Susan] Well, make it stop. -[cellphone dialing]

-Get me the government. -[pianist groans]

[gasps] This is impossible.

-[groans] -[guests yelling]

No, this can't be happening.

[screams]

Wait, wait. Everybody, it's okay.

Have some champagne while we're figuring this out.

-Thumbs. Thumbs! -[guests screaming]

Derek, help me. [groans]

Sweet Lord! [groans]

-[grunts] -[helicopters whirring]

-[bell tolls] -Here comes the bride!

-Oh, Carl, it's her wedding day. [groans] -[groans]

-Derek? Derek? -[voice on PA] All non-military personnel,

-clear this area immediately. -[weakly] Beam hurt Derek.

Susan?

-Thank goodness you're okay. -[soldier 1] Hold your fire!

-What's happening to me? -All right. Don't panic.

Don't worry, and whatever you do, don't drop…

-[screams] -[Susan gasps] Derek!

-[Derek grunts] -Sorry, sir.

Who are you people? What are you doing?

-[Derek grunts] -Stop it. Be careful.

Get your hands off me. Don't you know who I am?

-Please, just leave me alone. [screams] -[soldier 2] Good hit.

[groans]

[screams]

-[soldier 3] Watch those cables. -[soldier 4] She's coming down.

[grunts]

-[soldier 5] Watch out! -[groans]

Move it, move it! Let's go. Move it, move it!

-[grunts] -[soldier 6] Pull, pull!

[soldiers grunt]

-Derek? -[music darkens]

[soldier over PA] All right, let's get this baby on the bus.

[music fades]

-[alarm beeping] -[Susan gasps]

Honey, could you hit the snooze?

[groans] Baby, why did you set the alarm? We're on our honeymoon.

-[heavy thud] -[groans, gasps]

-[tense music playing] -Hello?

-What's going on? [gasps] -[pneumatic hissing]

-[door closes] -[metal creaking]

-[shrieks, whimpers] -[elevator whirring]

[gasps]

-[screams] -[tense music concludes]

-[metal creaking] -[gasps]

-[rumbling] -[gasps]

[screams, breathes heavily]

Hello?

[door closes]

-[metal clangs] -[gasps]

[voice 1] Is it just legs? Did they capture a giant pair of legs?

[voice 2] Silence, B.O.B.! She'll hear us.

-[B.O.B.] How? Legs don't have ears. -[voice 2] Just shush.

[Susan] Hello?

I… is there someone there?

Could… could you please tell me where I am?

[machine whirring]

-[gruel squelches] -[suspenseful music playing]

-[pipe burps] -[metal clinks]

-[rapid scurrying] -[shrieks] Hello?

What was that? [gasps]

-[suspenseful music concludes] -Hello.

-Ew! -[spoon thudding]

-[Susan grunts] -Will you stop! Careful!

-[spoon thuds] -[groans]

-Please, madam. -[gasps]

-[spoon thudding] -Stop doing that. Ow.

[whimsical music playing]

Whatever mad scientist made you, he really went all-out.

-[spoon clatters] -You can… talk. [grunts, groans]

[ooze squelching]

-Hi, there! -Ugh!

[grunts] My back. Just kidding. I don't have a back. [chuckles]

Forgive him, but as you can see, he has no brain.

Turns out you don't need one. Totally overrated.

As a matter of fact, I don't even… [gasps]

I forgot how to breathe. Don't know how to breathe. [gasps]

Help me, Dr. Cockroach. Help! Help!

-Suck in, B.O.B. [gasping] -[groans, inhales deeply]

-[B.O.B. sighs deeply] Thanks, Doc. -[soft music playing]

-You're a lifesaver. -[soft music concludes]

-[Susan gasps] -Wow, look at you.

I know what you're thinking.

First day in prison, you want to take down the toughest guy in the yard.

Well, I'd like to see you try. [grunts]

[grunting] Ninja! [grunts]

-[back cracking] -[groans]

[whimsical music playing]

Gosh. Look, she's speechless.

-"She"? -Yes, B.O.B.

We are in the presence of the rare female monster.

No way. It's a boy. Look at his boobies.

We need to have a talk.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are not making a very good first impression.

At least I'm talking.

First new monster in years, and we couldn't get, like, a wolfman or a mummy?

Just, you know, somebody to play cards with.

[Dr. Cockroach sighs, clears throat]

Might we ask your name, madam?

-Susan. -No, no, no.

We mean… we mean like your monster name.

Like, what do people scream when they see you coming?

You know, like… [melodramatic] "Look out! Here comes…"

-[whimsical music concludes] -Susan.

-Really? -"Susan!"

Ooh, I just scared myself. That is scary.

-[alarm blaring] -Yes. Eat times.

[machinery whirring]

-[whimsical music playing] -[bell dings]

That is repulsive.

Oh, an old slipper.

-[machine fires] -[grunts]

[tense music playing]

Oh, please, God, please tell me this isn't real.

Please tell me I just had a nervous breakdown at the wedding,

and now I'm in a mental hospital, and I'm on medication

that's giving me hallucinations.

[monstrous growling]

-[roars] -[screams]

Don't scare Insectosaurus.

He's gonna pee himself, then we'll all be in trouble.

Every room has a door. There's gotta be a door here.

-Where's the door? -It's okay, buddy. Don't worry about it.

Who's a handsome bug, huh? You like it when I rub your tummy?

-[purring] -[thumping on floor]

-Please. Somebody. I don't belong here! -[dramatic music playing]

-Let me out! -Hey, hey. That is not a good idea.

Let me out!

[door whirring]

[suspenseful music playing]

[gulps]

[music fades]

-Monsters, get back in your cells. -[military music playing]

[objects clatter]

[breathing heavily]

-[helicopter whirring] -[gasps]

[growling]

-Oh, thank goodness. -[music fades]

A real person. You are a real person, right?

Not one of those half-person, half-machine,

you know, whatever you call those things.

A cyborg?

-[whimsical music playing] -Oh, no. You're a cyborg?

Madam, I assure you, I am not a cyborg. The name is General W.R. Monger.

I'm in charge of this facility. Now, follow me.

-It is time for your orientation. -[adventurous music playing]

[General Monger] In 1950, it was decided

that Jane and Joe Public could not handle the truth about monsters,

and should focus on more important things, like paying taxes.

So, the government convinced the world monsters were stuff of myth and legend,

and then locked them away in this here facility.

[Susan gasps, grunts]

But I'm not a monster. I'm just a regular person.

I'm not a danger to anyone or anything.

[screams]

[pilot] Don't let her get me!

Sorry.

[cow moos]

-How long will I be here? -Indefinitely.

-Can… can I contact my parents? -No.

-Derek? -Negative.

-Do they know where I am? -No, and they never will.

This place is an X-File,

wrapped in a cover-up, and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy.

There will be zero contact with the outside world.

[growls]

[growls, sniffs]

[snorts]

[window squeaks]

[creature] Seven. [grunts] Eight…

Nine hundred and ninety-nine. [grunts] One thousand.

[grunts] I can't believe I did ten sets.

[spits, laughs]

[Dr. Cockroach] Oh, Susan.

You wouldn't happen to have any uranium on you?

I just need a smidge.

Rescind Dr. Cockroach's toy box privileges immediately.

We, uh… had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell.

Try to keep you all calm-like.

[Susan] But I don't want a poster.

[sobs softly] I want a real kitten hanging from a real tree.

I want to go home.

Oh, come on, Little Debbie, please don't cry. It makes my knees hurt.

Don't think of this as a prison.

Think of it as a hotel you never leave because it's locked from the outside.

Oh, and, uh… one other thing.

The government has changed your name to "Ginormica."

[gasps]

[somber music playing]

[foreboding music playing]

[Computer] Begin reanimation sequence.

Who dares to wake me?

[Computer] Quantonium has been located on a distant planet in the Omega Quadrant.

[alien] The Omega Quadrant? Lame.

[Computer] The trajectory of the Quantonium meteor

has been traced to sector 72-4,

a planet locally known as Earth.

[alien] What a miserable-looking mud ball.

Send a robot probe.

Extract the Quantonium with extreme prejudice.

I want it all. Every last drop!

[Computer] Yes, Gallaxhar.

[Gallaxhar] Nothing can stand in my way now.

-["Who's Crying Now" playing over radio] -[parking brake creaks]

♪ One love, feeds the fire ♪

-♪ One heart, burns desire… ♪ -[lip-synching to music]

♪ I wonder who's crying now… ♪

Don't rush me, Katie. I'm just not ready.

Oh, relax, Cuthbert. It's just like dancing.

-I'll lead. -[grunts]

-[song fades] -[eerie radio static]

[Cuthbert] Katie, I have a gymnastics meet tomorrow. So, maybe, uh…

Uh… did you open the top? [gasps] Oh, thank goodness. It's the police.

-We weren't doing anything, Officer. -Yeah, nothing at all.

[engine roaring]

[explosion]

-[Cuthbert] Jiminy! -[suspenseful music playing]

Why did I even let you talk me into this? Maybe we should get out of here.

Or maybe we should go check it out!

Katie, are you nuts? Wait. Don't leave me alone.

[shrieks, groans] No! My ankle. I think it's broken. Katie?

[Katie groans] This is the worst date ever.

[robot whirring]

[Cuthbert] Katie, I'm frightened.

-[both scream] -[dramatic music playing]

[news reporter] It was first spotted at midnight last night

by a couple in romantic embrace.

No one knows what it is or where it came from.

All branches of the military were immediately mobilized.

What is that, Henshaw? Okay.

I have just received word that the President of the United States

has arrived, and will attempt to make first contact.

I must approach it alone. This is all about peaceful communication.

-[helicopter weapons arming] -Yes, sir, Mr. President.

[indistinct radio chatter]

[indistinct helicopter radio chatter]

[pilot] Perimeter stable. Got a bead on Papa Bear. All clear.

[exhales, gulps]

[paper cup clatters]

[pants]

[dramatic music concludes]

[knuckles cracking]

[halting synthesizer pipe tones]

[gulps, clears throat]

["Beverly Hills Cop" theme playing]

[drums, bass join theme playing]

[soldiers murmuring]

-["Beverly Hills Cop" theme concludes] -[pants]

[dog barking in distance]

-[soldiers gasp] -[door opens]

[sci-fi music playing]

[soldiers gasp]

[music fades]

-[shrieks] -[soldiers gasp]

-[robot whirs] -[whimpers]

[menacing music playing]

[soldiers clamor]

-[soldier] Let's go. -[soldier 1] Get out of the way.

-[soldier 2] Set her down now. Here we go. -[soldier 3] Right now!

[pants, grunts]

[grunts] Commander, do something violent.

-You heard the president. Light 'em up. -[guns cock]

-[gunfire] -[soldiers yelling]

We're getting pummeled down here. Call in air support. Call in air support!

[jet pilot over radio] Roger! Fire! Hold on!

["E.T." theme briefly plays]

[soldier 6] Yeah!

[man 2 over radio speaking indistinctly]

Call in… [grunts] …call in a full retreat.

Full retreat. Full retreat, all troops.

-Wheels up. Papa Bear is on the move. -Wait.

So, that's how you want to play it?

-Eat lead, alien robot. -[gunshots]

[robot gulps]

-Evidently, they eat lead. Huh. -Get him on the chopper.

-[grunts] I'm brave. -[gun clatters]

I'm a brave president.

-Get out of the way! -[soldiers clamor]

[pants]

-[grunts] -[scanner beeping]

[grunts]

[man] Sir. We need to declare a global war on robotics!

[official 1] We need to overthrow that robot,

and install our own approved government, within the robot!

[official 2] Let's round up the elderly

-and sacrifice them to the robot! -[official 3] I say we invade it!

At this rate, the Earth only has about two weeks left.

If that thing walks into a populated area, there will be a major catastrophe.

We need our top scientific minds on this. Get India on the phone.

Can we transport the United States to a safer planet?

I say we give this alien a green card and make him proud to be an American.

Sir, it's at dire times like this when I stop and ask myself,

"What would Oprah do?"

Hang it all. What's the point? It's a disaster.

-[indistinct chatter] -[officials] Stop!

-Wait! No! -Don't do it.

That button launches all of our nuclear missiles.

-Well, then which button gets me a latte? -[dramatic music concludes]

Uh, that would be the other one, sir.

-What idiot designed this thing? -[coffee pouring]

-[man] You did, sir. -Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody.

-[Wilson] Yes, sir, Mr. President. -[footsteps departing]

Listen up. I'm not going to go down in history as the president

who was in office when the world came to an end,

so somebody think of something, and think of it fast.

[slurps, gulps] That is a good cup of joe.

-[door opens] -[General Monger] Mr. President?

[military music playing]

Not only do I have an idea, but I have a plan.

-Oorah! -[crowd gasps]

Now, conventional weapons have no effect on this thing.

-And we all know nukes ain't an option. -Sure they are. I just, uh…

-No! Don't do it. Stop. -No! Wait.

I'm not gonna kid you, Mr. President. These are dark times.

The odds are against us.

We need a Hail Mary pass. We need raw power. We need… monsters.

[dramatic music concludes]

Monsters, of course. It's so simple.

I… I'm not following you.

Over the last 50 years, I have captured monsters on the rampage,

and locked them up in a secret prison facility.

So secret, that the mere mention of its name is a federal offense.

-Is he referring to Area Fifty… [grunts] -[dart whooshes]

[body thuds]

Mr. President, say hello to Insectosaurus.

-[screams] -[objects clatter]

Miss Ronson, please.

Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub

into a 350-foot-tall monster that attacked Tokyo.

Here we have The Missing Link.

-[screams] -[objects clatter]

[indistinct chatter]

A 20,000-year-old frozen fish man who was thawed out by scientists.

-He escaped… -[beachgoers screaming]

-…and went on a rampage… -[growls]

…in his old watering hole.

This handsome fellow is Dr. Cockroach, Ph.D.

The most brilliant man in the world.

He invented a scientific machine

that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive.

Unfortunately, there was a side effect.

-[Miss Ronson screams] -[objects clatter]

[General Monger groans] Now, we call this thing B.O.B.

-[Miss Ronson screams] -[objects clatter]

Will someone get her out of here?

-[objects shatter] -[Miss Ronson groans]

Thank you.

A genetically altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered

ranch-flavored dessert topping at a snack food plant.

[General Monger] The resulting goop gained consciousness,

and became an indestructible gelatinous mass.

And our latest addition, Ginormica.

[screams]

[clears throat] General, continue.

Her entire body radiates with pure energy, giving her enormous strength and size.

Sir, these monsters are our best and only chance to defeat that robot.

Don't we already have an alien problem, General?

I don't think we need a monster problem too.

-You got a better idea, nerd? -[grunts]

[crowd gasps]

Okay. Stay where you are. [clears throat] General, I propose we go forward

with your monsters-versus-aliens idea thingy.

-[Link] Go fish. -["Reminiscing" playing over radio]

♪ …We'll go dancing in the dark Walking through the park… ♪

[growls softly]

-[heavy rhythmic thudding] -Do you have any…

threes?

Yes. I do. How are you doing this?

-You're the luckiest guy I know. -Luck ain't got nothin' to do with it.

-[chuckles] What the… Hey! -[song concludes]

-[horn honks] -[ominous music playing]

They called me crazy, but I'll show them. I'll show them all.

-[cackles wickedly] -[electricity crackles]

Doctor, I'd prefer you didn't do your mad scientist laugh

-while I'm hooked up to this machine. -[ominous music concludes]

-[Insectosaurus growling] -You're right, Insecto.

You've been letting that quack experiment on you for over a month.

I'm not a quack. I'm a mad scientist. There is a difference.

-Guys, what choice do I have? -[soft music playing]

If he can make me normal, or even six foot eight,

I can get out of here, get back to the life I'm supposed to have.

-I mean, I should be in-- -Let me guess, Fresno?

Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone. Next stop, Milwaukee.

And then New York, and then someday, hopefully--

Yeah, we know. Paris.

Throw the switch, Doctor, but don't do the laugh.

Now, you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain.

[cackles wickedly] Sorry.

-[dramatic music playing] -[machine whirring]

-[electricity crackling] -[Susan screams]

[music fades]

-[distorted] Susan. Yoo-hoo! -[Susan] Am I small again?

[normal voice] I'm afraid not, my dear.

-[monsters thud] -[sighs]

[whimsical music playing]

In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.

[chuckles nervously]

That's okay, Doc. We'll try again tomorrow.

You really don't get it, do you?

No monster has ever gotten out of here.

-[somber music playing] -That's not true. The Invisible Man did.

No, he didn't. We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.

-He died of a heart attack 25 years ago. -No!

Yeah, in that very chair.

He's still there.

-[groans] -[somber music fades]

You see what I'm saying? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's ever getting out.

[General Monger] Good news, monsters. You're getting out!

Until today.

[intrepid music playing]

So, let me get this straight, Monger. You want us to fight an alien robot.

And, in exchange, the President of these United States

has authorized me to grant you your freedom.

Oh, I can't believe it. Soon, I'll be back in Derek's arms,

or he'll be in mine.

Oh, I can't wait for spring break back at Cocoa Beach.

Just… freaking everybody out.

And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.

-[whimsical music playing] -No, no. That's me, B.O.B.

-Then I'll be a really giant lady. -That's Susan, B.O.B.

[B.O.B.] Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto, and be with Derek.

[Link] Yeah, that's still Susan, B.O.B.

[B.O.B.] I think I, at least, deserve a chance to be with Derek.

-[whimsical music concludes] -[aircraft marshaler] All right, let's go.

[stirring music playing]

[growls]

[growls, snorts]

-[music fades] -[car horns honking]

[soldier over megaphone] Everybody move in an orderly fashion.

-[crowd clamors] -[soldier] This is an emergency.

We are evacuating the city.

Exact change is appreciated, but not necessary.

[dramatic music playing]

-Let's move out! -[warm music playing]

[gasps] This is San Francisco. This isn't far from my home.

[sighs] Feel the wind on your antennae. Isn't this wonderful?

I haven't been outside in 50 years. It's amazing out here.

It's a little hotter than I remember. Has the Earth gotten warmer?

That'd be great to know that. That would be a very convenient truth.

[dramatic music playing]

[General Monger cheering]

-Now, that's a robot. -It's huge.

Try not to damage it too much, monsters. I might want to bring it back to the farm.

No, no, no, wait. You didn't say anything about it being huge.

Wait. No. Don't leave.

[energy humming]

I think he sees us. Hello. Hi. How you doing?

Welcome. We are here to destroy you.

I can't fight that thing. I can't even-- I've never… [gasping]

I'm hyperventilating. Does anybody have a giant paper bag?

-[breathing heavily] -Relax.

Old Link's got this under control.

Hide in the city, Susan. You'll be safe there.

But stay away from the Tenderloin. It's a little dicey.

Finally, some action. I'm gonna turn that oversized tin can

into a really dented oversized tin can.

[robot whirring]

Okay. Does anybody have a 20 on Insectosaurus?

Wow! Would you look at the size of that…

Foot!

[dramatic music concludes]

I got him, you guys. I got--

Don't worry, I won't let go. I'm wearing him down.

Please tell me he's slowing down.

Get to the city, Link. I'll catch up with you as soon as I can.

[dramatic music playing]

Or maybe you'll have to catch up with me.

[dramatic music concludes]

[traffic signal beeping]

-[robot approaching] -[gasps]

[breathing heavily]

[whirring]

-[gasps, grunts] -[energy hums]

[grunts]

-[breathing heavily] -[robot whirring]

-[screams, grunts] -[robot whirs]

[Susan grunts]

[screaming]

[pants, grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts, pants]

[grunts, screams]

-Oh, no. No, no, no. [screams] -[dramatic music concludes]

-Oh. [grunts, pants] -[robot whirring]

[grunts, groans]

-[music fades] -[gasps]

[adventurous music playing]

[grunts]

Okay, okay. I got this.

-[manhole cover clangs] -[Link groans]

[grunts] Yep, that hurt! [groans]

[dramatic music playing]

-[grunts] -Get in. I have a plan! [laughs]

[groans]

[streetcar bell dings]

[laughs]

Hotdogs. [laughs]

[inhales deeply, groans]

All right, Link, I'm going to pull up alongside it.

You get up in there, get to its central processing unit, and--

-Hey, guys, catch me. -[both] No! [groan]

-[dramatic music concludes] -[splashes]

-[crowd clamors] -Let's go, let's go.

-Keep it moving. Hey. No honking! -[car horn honking]

-[gasps] Whoa! -[Susan grunts]

[grunts] Excuse me. Coming through. On your right. No control.

[tires screeching]

[gasps]

-[grunts] -[truck horn honks]

[gasps]

-[car crashes] -Oh, no. [pants, grunts]

-[breathes heavily] -[robot whirring]

[gasps, pants]

[grunts]

Okay. It's gonna be okay.

-[truck driver screams] -Look, I'm gonna get you out of there.

Hold on a second. We have to get off the bridge before--

-[screams] -[gasps, screams]

-[gasps] -[crowd clamoring, screaming]

[Susan breathing heavily]

[crowd screaming]

[grunts]

[robot roars]

[screams, grunts]

No, no, no. Get away from me!

[metal crushing]

[screams]

[growls]

-[sighs] -[snorts]

[robot thuds]

-[pants] -Coming through. Watch it.

-[screams] -[pants]

-Hey, furball, where you been? -[roars]

Yeah, I know. Papa's a little out of shape.

Excuse me. He's trying to kill me. Why is it doing that? Why would it--

-[screams] -Ooh!

[music abruptly ends]

-[heroic music playing] -[grunts, breathes heavily]

-[groans, grunts] -Wow.

[grunts]

[gasps]

-[screams] -[Susan grunts]

-Wow. You're doing great. -[annoyed] I'm doing everything!

Not for long. Come on, you guys. Let's take this thing down. [groans]

-[body thuds] -A deflector shield.

-[groans] -Typical.

-[groans] -[body thuds]

[Susan grunts, pants]

You can't crush a cockroach. [cackles wickedly, yelps]

-[Susan grunting] -[panting] Right, right. Right.

Here we go.

-[electricity zaps] -[groans]

[energy hums]

-[growls] -Insectosaurus.

-[growls] [Susan] Insectosaurus!

-B.O.B. -What?

-Help me. -Sorry.

I was just staring at this bird over there.

We have to get these people off the bridge.

-Got it. -[driver screams]

No, B.O.B. Move the dividers.

Oh, yeah, you're right. My bad. [laughs]

-[munches] -Go, go, go, go.

[grunts, pants]

-Link. -Oh, I don't feel good.

[grunts] Okay. Susan, you can do this.

[heroic music playing]

[grunts]

[grunts]

-[grunts] -[metal creaking]

[robot whirring]

[dramatic music playing]

[grunts]

[Susan grunts, groans]

[electricity crackling]

[music fades]

[groans] Okay. All right. Let's take this thing down. [groans]

[seagulls squawking]

-[sighs] -[robot whirs]

[Computer] Retrieval has failed. Don't get upset. It happens to everyone.

[grunts] That lower life form thinks she can steal my Quantonium?

Send another probe at once.

[Computer] Quantonium cannot be retrieved via robot.

Carbon-based life form, locally known as Susan, is now too strong.

Oh, you think because you're all big and strong,

and you can destroy my robot probe,

that you're gonna send me running and hiding?

My days of running and hiding are over.

Computer, set a course to Earth.

I will retrieve the Quantonium myself,

even if I need to rip it out of her body one cell at a time.

[blows]

-[spits] -[Computer] Careful, it's hot.

[jet engine rumbling]

Three weeks ago, if you had asked me to defeat a giant alien robot,

I would have said, "No can do." But I did it. Me.

I'm still buzzing. I mean, did you see how strong I was?

There probably isn't a jar in this world I can't open.

You were positively heroic, my dear.

I especially loved how you saved all those people on the bridge.

It was a nice touch. Wasn't she amazing, Link?

Yeah, she was great. Really cool. Loved it.

Oh, poor Link.

After all that tough talk, you were out-monstered by a girl.

-No wonder you're depressed. -Hey, I'm not depressed. I'm tired.

Why are you tired? You didn't do anything.

Well, I haven't been sleeping well, all right?

I got sleep apnes-- apnea. Whatever. It's not fun.

So, Link's a little rusty-- I mean, sleep-deprived.

You'll be back to your old self in no time. And so will I.

What happened to the, "There isn't a jar in the world I can't open" stuff?

Wait. Did you find a jar you couldn't open?

What was in it? Was there pickles in it? Where's the giant jar of pickles?

What my associate is trying to say is that we all think

the new Susan is the "cat's me-wow." [chuckles]

-I'm sorry. -Aw! Thanks, you guys. That is so sweet.

But I have a normal life waiting for me, you know?

So, tell me exactly how this "normal life" thing

works with you being giant and all.

-[gentle music playing] -I'm not gonna be a giant forever.

Derek won't rest until we've found a cure for my… condition.

-We're a team. -We could all do with a Derek.

Perhaps someday, we could make his acquaintance.

Really? You guys want to meet Derek?

[adventurous music playing]

First stop, Modesto.

Ginormica, I called your family to let them know you were coming home.

Now, I also called the Modesto PD and told them not to shoot at you.

Thanks, General.

-[metal clangs] -[chuckles]

[birds chirping]

Okay, remember, these people aren't used to seeing, um…

anything like you, or you, or you.

So, just be, you know, cool. Just be, you know…

-Follow my lead. -[fence splintering]

-[monsters scream, grunt] -[dramatic music playing]

[Dr. Cockroach cackles wickedly]

-Stop! That was an accident. -[dramatic music concludes]

-Don't destroy anything. -[glass shatters in distance]

-[Wendy] Susan? -[uplifting music playing]

-Susie Q. -Mom? Daddy?

-Did they experiment on you? -No, Mom. I'm fine.

[mischievous music playing]

It's okay. They're with me. These are my new friends.

-Oh, Derek. I missed you so much. -[screams]

Thinking that we'd someday be together again,

it's the only thing that got me through prison.

I love you. I love this man!

No, B.O.B.! That's my mother. You're suffocating her.

-[spits] -[groans]

Honey, are you all right?

-I taste ham. -[Susan] Sorry, Mom.

He's just a hugger. [chuckles softly]

Where's Derek?

-Uh… he's at work, sweetie. -You know how he is about his career.

Well, we're not gonna celebrate without him.

[hesitates] Susan. Wha… what do I do with all your little friends?

Just put out some snacks. They'll eat anything.

-[garbage clattering] -[groans] Oh, Ambrosia.

[rock music playing]

How's it going?

-Que pasa, girlfriend? -[shrieks]

Way to cut up a rug, Insecto.

-[growling] -[car alarms blaring]

Who wants to go for a swim with the Link?

[groans]

Hi. I'm Benzoate-Ostylezene-Bicarbonate.

Or you can call me B.O.B. [chuckles] Whichever's easier.

Did I come on too strong? I'm sorry.

I'm a little rusty. I mean, I've been in prison my whole life.

Why'd I mention prison?

Oh, I didn't mean to scare you. [groans] I'm just gonna go.

Oh, I feel so stupid.

All right, everyone, just stay calm. Whatever you do, do not provoke them.

Anyone care for an Atomic Gin Fizz? It's got quite a…

[explosion]

-…kick. -[screams] Chlorine.

-Chlorine! Chlorine in my eyes. [groans] -[guests clamor]

-They're turning on us. -Everyone run for your lives!

[guests screaming]

What are they running away from?

[laughs] That's hilarious, Jim.

That's exactly the kind of down-home country humor

I'm gonna miss when I'm in Fresno.

This is Derek Dietl, signing off for the very last time.

-Goodnight, Modesto. -[cheerful music playing]

-[farmer's voice] Channel 172. -[director] And cut.

-[bell rings] -[crowd cheers, applauds]

So, did you like that sign off? Just made it up.

-[dramatic music playing] -[screams]

-[blows] -[glass shatters]

[crowd gasping, screaming]

Oh, my goodness.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. But… but… [groans]

[tender music playing]

-[sighs] Oh, Derek. -[screams]

You wouldn't believe my last three weeks.

-You just wouldn't believe it. -[screams]

-[smooches] -[Derek grunts]

Thinking about you was the only thing that kept me sane.

-Can't… can't breathe. Ribs collapsing. -Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

[grunts]

[Susan] Oh, my God. Is that… is that better?

-[groaning] -[Susan] Okay. Okay.

Oh, yeah.

I'm just still kind of getting used to my new strength.

-Wow. You really are big. -Yeah, but I'm still me.

I'm still the same girl you fell in love with.

Except you did just destroy the Golden Gate Bridge. [chuckles]

But that was the only way I was gonna stop that giant robot.

[music fades]

Did you ever think I could do something like that?

No, I didn't. I can honestly say that it never, ever, ever, ever,

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever occurred to me.

Look, I know this is a little weird.

Okay. [chuckles] It's a lot weird. But we'll figure it out.

I know that together we can find a way to get me back to normal.

Susan, try and look at this from my perspective.

I have an audience that depends on me for news,

weather, sports and heart-warming fluff pieces.

[somber music playing]

So, you expect me to put all that on hold

while you try to undo this thing that happened to you?

-That I had absolutely nothing to do with? -Yes. That's exactly what I expect.

What… what about the life that we always talked about?

-Don't you still want that? -Of course.

I just don't see how I can have that with you.

Derek, please.

-Don't do this. -Oh, you have to face facts, Susan.

And don't crush me for saying this, but I'm not looking to get married

and spend the rest of my life in someone else's shadow.

And you're casting a pretty big shadow.

-I'm sorry. It's over. -[whimpers]

Good luck, Susan.

[somber music playing]

[Susan sobs, sniffles]

[metal crashing, clanking]

-[somber music fades] -Wow! What a shindig.

Your parents really know how to throw it down.

What? No, that was a great party.

One of the best I've been to since I got out of prison.

I must have been at a different party,

'cause that's not how I interpreted it at all.

I don't think your parents liked me,

and I think that Jell-O gave me a fake phone number.

Well, at least the garbage was free. You know? I mean…

Who are we kidding? We could save every city on the planet,

and they'd still treat us the same way they've always treated us.

Like monsters.

Right. Monsters.

Anyway, how… how is Derek?

[sighs] Derek is a selfish jerk.

-No! -Yes!

[somber music playing]

All that talk about us. "I'm so proud of us."

"Us just got a job in Fresno.” There's no "us." There was only Derek.

Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that?

[groans] I was such an idiot!

-[B.O.B. laughing] -[stirring music playing]

Why did I ever think life with Derek would be so great anyway?

I mean, look at all the stuff I've done without him.

Fighting an alien robot? That was me, not him.

And that was amazing. Meeting you guys? Amazing.

Dr. Cockroach, you can crawl up walls,

and build a supercomputer out of a pizza box,

two cans of hairspray, and…

-And a paper clip. -Amazing!

And you. You hardly need an introduction. You're the Missing Link.

You personally carried 250 coeds off of Cocoa Beach,

and still had strength to fight off the National Guard.

And the Coast Guard, and also the lifeguard.

-Amazing. -[B.O.B. thuds]

B.O.B.! Who else could fall

from unimaginable heights and end up without a single scratch?

-Link? -[Susan] You.

-Amazing. -[growling]

Good point, Insecto. Susan, don't short-change yourself.

Oh, I'm not gonna short-change myself ever again.

-Testify. -[Link] Yeah.

-[Dr. Cockroach] Oh, yes. -[Insectosaurus growling]

[tractor beam whirs]

-[sinister music playing] -[shrieks]

-Susan! -[gasps]

-[growls] -[screams]

-[snorts] -[grunts]

Way to go, Insecto.

-[dramatic music playing] -[grunts]

[Gallaxhar snarls]

[energy humming]

[gasps]

-[shrieks] -Insecto, look out.

[growls]

Insectosaurus. No!

[grim music playing]

-[growling] -[pants] You're gonna make it.

It's gonna be all right. Look at me.

Don't you close those eyes. Don't you dare close those eyes.

-You can't. -[music fades]

[groans]

-[sinister music playing] -[gasps]

[grunts]

[gasps]

-[groans] -[laughs] You must be terrified.

You wake up in a strange place, wearing strange clothes,

imprisoned by a strange being floating on a strange hovering device.

-Strange, isn't it? -Hardly. It's not the first time.

Wow. You really get around. To the extraction chamber. [laughs]

-Look. What is it that you want from me? -You have stolen what is rightfully mine.

I didn't steal anything from you.

Your enormous, grotesque body contains Quantonium,

the most powerful substance in the universe.

Did you really think you could keep it from me?

That's what this is all about?

You destroyed San Francisco, you… you terrified millions of people.

-You killed my friend, just to get to me? -[exclaims]

Silence. Your voice is grating on my ear nubs.

It's a shame you won't be around to see what the power of Quantonium can do

in the tentacles of someone who knows how to use it.

-I know how to use it just fine. [groans] -Don't bother.

That force field is impenetrab--

[screams] What the Flagnard?

-[dramatic music playing] -[grunts]

[screams]

[scoffs] That should stop your puny--

-[grunts] -Computer, close door hangar two.

-[grunts] -[Gallaxhar] Close door hangar three.

-[Susan grunts] -[Gallaxhar] Door hangar four.

-[grunts] -[groans] Close them all!

-[grunts] -[shrieks]

[grunts]

-[grunts] -[Gallaxhar gasps]

-[grunts] -[gasps]

[grunts]

-[groaning] -[screams]

-[grunts] -[scooter parts clanging]

-[groans, grunts] -[breathes heavily]

Oh.

[Susan grunts, pants]

[shrieks]

[muffled shrieks, grunts]

-[grunts] -Computer, begin extraction.

-[machine whirring] -[grunts]

[energy zapping]

[groans]

[chuckles]

-[music fades] -[groans]

-[Gallaxhar laughing] -[gasps]

Finally, I can rebuild my civilization on a new planet.

Any thoughts on where I should set up shop?

-[sinister music playing] -Your planet, perhaps?

You keep your slimy tentacles off my planet. [groans]

If you wanted to stop me, you should have done it

when you possessed the Quantonium. Now, you're nothing.

There are innocent people down there who didn't do anything.

-[Gallaxhar grunts] -[groans]

There were innocent people on my home planet before it was destroyed.

Look, I'm sorry your planet was destroyed.

Oh, don't be. I'm the one who destroyed it. Confused?

After I reveal my tale to you, everything will become crystal clear.

-Computer, initialize cloning machine. -[Computer] Yes, Gallaxhar.

Many zentons ago, when I was but a squidling,

I found out my parents were…

[machine whirring]

No child should ever have to endure that. So, I went on the road with a giant…

[machine whirring]

And soon thereafter was married.

Things were going well, until she wanted to…

[machine whirring]

And then I was all, "No way." And she was all, "Yes, way."

And I was like…

[machine whirring]

But I've told you too much already!

Let the birth of my new planet, now called…

Gallaxhar's… Planet, begin.

-[machine whirring] -[dramatic music playing]

[liquid squelching]

[liquid squelching]

[liquid squelching]

-[guns cock] -[music fades]

Once again, a UFO has landed in America,

the only country UFOs ever seem to land in.

Ex… excuse me. What's that, Henshaw? Okey-dokey.

Uh, we now take you live to a transmission from the alien spacecraft.

-[hologram whirs] -[crowd gasps]

-[sinister music playing] -Humans of Earth, I have come in peace.

You need not fear me. I mean you no harm.

However, it is important to note that most of you will not survive

-the next 24 hours. -[crowd murmuring]

And those of you that do survive will be enslaved and experimented on.

You should in no way take any of this personally.

It's just business. So, just to recap,

I come in peace, I mean you no harm, and you all will die. Gallaxhar out.

-[crowd screaming] -[sinister music concludes]

[TV static]

Okay, uh… boys, set the terror level at Code Brown,

'cause I need to change my pants.

-[insects chirping] -[tense music playing]

-What're we gonna do now, Doc? -I… [sighs] I don't know.

[Link] I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

Is we're not gonna let Insecto die in vain.

We're gonna get up there, find Susan, and we're gonna take that alien down.

[adventurous music playing]

All right, gentlemen, you got enough juice in those jetpacks to get you up there,

but not enough to make it home.

I'll come get you if I can. If I don't, it means I'm dead. Or late.

I've been your warden for close to 50 years.

That's no longer the case. For what it's worth…

-That's rude. What did we do? -No, B.O.B., that's not rude.

That's a sign of respect.

General, it's targeting us.

That's the idea, Lieutenant. Hold your course.

-[alarm beeping] -Steady. Steady.

-[beam fires] -Hard right! Hard right! Hard right!

I can't shake it! I can't shake it!

-[energy crackling] -[engine failing]

Hang on to your socks. We're going for a ride.

Yee-haw!

-[music fades] -[explosion]

That's why I always wear a parachute, Lieutenant.

[whimpers]

-You can let go of me now, Lieutenant. -[groans]

-[Insectosaurus rumbling] -[whimpers]

[sinister military music playing]

[eerie music playing]

[mimicking rooster crows]

Shh. Who are you signaling? We're right here.

Hey, zip it.

-Clone! -[clones] Hail Gallaxhar.

No. No, no, not all of you. You, there. Um, how do I do this? Three back.

No, no, no, no. That guy-- Next to you. The one I'm pointing at!

You. The one… [spluttering] You, clone. Yes. Good. [sighs]

Take the prisoner to the incinerator.

She's useless to us now.

-Hail Gallaxhar. -Hail me.

-Wow. Ginormica ain't so ginormic anymore. -How are we supposed to get to her?

There's too many of them. It's impossible.

I may not have a brain, gentlemen, but I have an idea.

This is not gonna work.

[groans]

[Link] Halt.

I, Gallaxhar, command you to hand over the prisoner this instant.

Clearly, you are defective beyond repair.

Guards, take this defective clone to the incinerator.

-[gasps] -[music fades]

Well, what are you waiting for? You and you.

-[whimsical music playing] -[gasps] Seriously?

Yes. Take the prisoner and the defective clone

to the incinerator.

-Uh… of course, sir. -And here's a security pass, just in case.

-Would you like a gun? -Yes, I would.

-Hey, guys, look. -[beam fires]

[whimsical music concludes]

Okay.

I can't believe you guys came to save me.

-[soft music playing] -Thank you.

Don't mention it. We monsters gotta stick together.

But I'm not a monster anymore. I'm just me.

My dear, no matter what your size,

you'll always be… nothing but a filthy, carbon-based life form!

-[dramatic music playing] -[clones] Hail Gallaxhar.

Hail Gallaxhar.

These disguises are the bomb.

That's it! Follow me.

-The only way to save the Earth-- -[clones] Hail Gallaxhar.

Hail Gallaxhar. The only way to--

-[clones] Hail Gallaxhar. -Hail Gallaxhar.

The only way to save the Earth is to to blow up this ship before the invasion--

-[clones] Hail Gallaxhar. -Hail Gallaxhar.

-Before the invasion starts. -So, how are we gonna do this?

We need to find the main power core.

Excuse me, could you direct us to the main power core?

Gladly, it's right there, above the extraction chamber.

[cloning machine whirring]

Thank you very much. Hail Gallaxhar.

-Watch out. -Whoa! Look out, brainless.

[grunts] Give me that thing. A weapon like this

needs to be in the hands of somebody responsible.

-[beam fires] -[groans]

Oh.

-[clones gasp] -What?

Hail Gallaxhar?

-[clones] Monsters. -[guns cock]

-[Computer] Monsters. -[Gallaxhar] Monsters?

-[switch clicks] -[feedback screeches]

Attention, all aliens. Destroy all monsters!

-[clones screaming] -You want some of this?

-[grunts] Ninja. [grunts] -[clones groaning]

[both grunt]

You wanna hurt my friends, you'll have to go through me.

-[grunts] -[grunts]

[clone groans]

-Oh, yeah. -[clones screaming]

-[beam fires] -[groans]

[clones groaning]

[grunts, groans]

[clones groaning, screaming]

-[munches] -[clones groan]

-[Susan groans] -[Link] Susan.

[screams]

-[laughs] -I can't believe we made it.

[clones grunting, screaming]

[screams]

[monsters shriek]

[dramatic music fades]

-[lid clangs] -[groans, grunts]

[suspenseful music playing]

OMG.

-[Computer] Warning! Intruder! -[machine chiming]

[Computer laughs] You'll never figure out my color code.

A hexadecimal color code system. This won't be but a moment.

[cackles wickedly] Red, green, blue, yellow, orange, baby blue,

purple, pink, mauve, gold, brown, mocha, avocado, adobe gold.

Hey! [dance music playing]

-[dramatic music playing] -[clones screaming]

-[shrieks, grunts] -Doc, come on, dance.

[Computer] Your busted, tired dance moves are no match for my security protocols.

We can't hold them off much longer.

One thing you don't know about me, my dear, my PhD is in…

dance! [echoes]

-[electricity crackles] -[Computer] Security protocol breached.

Ship has been set to self-destruct.

Total annihilation in T-minus six minutes.

-Well, launch the invasion then. -[Computer] Invasion no longer possible.

Oh, Spaceballs!

Divert the Quantonium to the bridge, and prepare my escape capsule.

[whirring, bubbling]

[cheers] Look at that. They're all running scared. Monsters win.

Uh… I don't think that's why they're running.

[Computer] Ship will self-destruct in T-minus five minutes.

-Hail Gallaxhar. -[groans]

We're not gonna make it.

-[grunts] -[screams]

-[B.O.B.] Whoa! -Hang on.

[shrieks]

[monsters grunt]

-[Susan screams] -[Link] Keep going.

[Susan screams]

[monsters groan]

[both grunting]

-Ah, it's no use. It won't budge. -[grunts]

If I was still Ginormica, I could do this!

Susan, get out of here while you still got the chance.

-[sentimental music playing] -No! Don't say that.

-I'm not leaving you guys. -Yes, you are. Rendezvous with Monger.

He's outside the ship, waiting for you. Go, while there's still time.

[Computer] Ship will self-destruct in T-minus four minutes.

Don't you worry about us, Susan.

You finally have a chance to get your old life back.

I don't want my old life back.

[heroic music playing]

They think they've stopped me? They've stopped nothing.

[Computer] Female carbon-based life form, or Susan, not contained.

What?

Attention, robot probes. Crush the earthling!

[targeting computer whirs]

[gasps, grunts]

[gasps]

[grunts]

[screams]

[force fields zapping]

-[Computer] Robot bay has been destroyed. -[grunts] Fire phasoid cannon.

[beam fires]

[grunts]

[groans]

[grunts] Are you crazy? You could have killed me.

Then we understand each other. Now, open the doors and let my friends go.

Or what? You don't actually think you're a match for me, do you?

[Computer] Quantonium has been successfully diverted to the bridge.

Escape capsule ready for transport.

Like I told you before, you should have defeated me

when you had the Quantonium. Have fun exploding.

[gasps]

[music swells]

[both grunting]

-[grunts] -[groans]

[both grunt, scream]

[both groan]

-[grunts] -[groans]

-[grunts] -[laughs]

-[taunting, groans] -[music fades]

-Now, open the doors. -Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

That's what happens when you set a ship to self-destruct.

Now, we're all going to die.

And there's nothing you can do about it, Susan.

[dramatic music playing]

I wouldn't be so sure. And the name is Ginormica.

[beam fires]

[Computer] Total annihilation in T-minus one minute.

-It's been an honor knowing you, Doc. -The feeling's mutual, my friend.

-I'll see you guys tomorrow for lunch. -That's right, B.O.B.

And there will be candy, and cake, and balloons.

Cake and balloons for lunch? It's gonna be the best day ever.

-I love you guys! -[metal clangs]

-[machine thuds] -[metal creaking]

[heroic music swells]

-By Hawking's chair. -[grunts]

-[Dr. Cockroach screaming] -[groans]

[Computer] Total annihilation in T-minus 30 seconds.

-[screams] Where's Monger? -He's supposed to be here.

He said the only reason he wouldn't be here is if he was dead.

[monsters scream]

Or late.

[growls]

Insectosaurus? You're alive! [laughs] And you're a butterfly.

Yee-haw!

-[Computer] Eight, seven, six… -[music fades]

-…five, four… -[machine beeping]

-…three, two… -Come on, come on. [groans]

…one.

[bird squawking in distance]

[Computer] Hmm, nothing happened. Maybe my count was--

-[explosion] -[dramatic music playing]

-[woman] There they are! -[crowd cheers]

[man] Here they come!

[dramatic music concludes]

-[crowd cheering] -[growls]

[cheerful music playing]

[Link cheering]

[laughs] Yeah.

-[women scream] -Oh, great.

[shrieking, kissing]

-[woman 1 shrieks] -[grunts]

-[women giggle] -Oh, boy.

-[Carl] Susie Q. -Daddy!

Oh, Susan. Ever since you were a baby,

I knew that someday you would, you know, save the Earth

from an invasion from outer space.

Thank you, but it wasn't just me, Mom.

Excuse me. Hello. Coming through. How are you?

-Susan. -Derek?

Baby, I thought long and hard about what happened between us.

And I want you to know… I forgive you.

You forgive me?

Of course. It wasn't your fault

you got hit by a meteor and ruined everything.

And you know what?

I say maybe you didn't ruin everything. I just got a call from New York.

They offered me network.

All I have to do is get an exclusive interview from you.

-Really? -Yeah.

I get my dream job and you get your dream guy.

It's a win-win for Team Dietl. [chuckles]

Derek, that's amazing.

-Uh… is the camera rolling? -Absolutely.

-[grunts] -[Susan] Good.

Because I wouldn't want your fans out there to miss this.

This is Susan Murphy saying, "Goodbye, Derek!"

[grunts] Oh!

B.O.B., could you, uh…

-[Derek screaming] -[gulps]

[muffled screams]

-[spits] -[groans]

Derek, you are a selfish jerk. And guess what?

I've met someone else. She's lime green.

She has 14 little chunks of pineapple inside of her,

and she is everything I deserve in life.

I'm happy now, Derek, without you. It's over.

[gelatin jiggling]

Turn it off.

Monsters, I'm so proud of you I could cry, if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war.

But not crying will have to wait. The world needs you again.

-[adventurous music playing] -What is it, General?

Seems a snail fell into a French nuclear reactor.

As we speak, Escargantua is slowly making its way to Paris.

Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris. Now, who's with me?

What do you say, Butter… fly… osaurus?

-[Insectosaurus growls] -We're in.

-I'm in. -Count me in too.

[crowd cheering]

Au revoir, sweetie.

-Have a safe flight. -[Carl] Yeah, and hang on.

[growls]

[triumphant music playing]

[growls]

[B.O.B.] Goodbye, Derek. Good luck getting over me.

[Susan] Uh… B.O.B., it's me he's never gonna get over.

[B.O.B.] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! You were dating Derek too?

That two-timing jerk!

[music swells, concludes]

[upbeat song playing]

♪ So, you say you can dance ♪

♪ Half-person, half-machine ♪

♪ Who dares to wake me ♪

♪ Begin reanimation sequence ♪

♪ Lame ♪

[upbeat song concludes]

Everyone, let's welcome my new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,

-General W.R. Monger. -[military music playing]

Thank you, Mr. President.

What a great way, sir, to celebrate my 90th birthday.

Very good, Warren. All right. Let's get it started in here. Nerd?

Gentlemen, I have assembled a preliminary budget estimate

for the rebuilding of San Francisco.

Zoinkers. This is gonna be a boring one.

Good time for a cup of joe. Warren, how do you take it?

Hit me with a double venti organic chocolate brownie

caramel Frappuccino, extra hot, with one inch of foam, non-fat.

You got it. Black it is.

-[woman] Don't do it! Don't do it! -[officials shouting]

-[alarm blaring] -My God, man. What have you done?

[whimsical music playing]

Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys.

Let's check on the situation in 500 years. Who wants to freeze my head?

-[whimsical music concludes] -["Planet Claire" playing]

♪ She came from Planet Claire ♪

♪ I knew she came from there ♪

♪ She drove a Plymouth Satellite A-faster than the speed of light ♪

♪ Planet Claire has pink air All the trees are red ♪

♪ No one ever dies there No one has a head ♪

♪ Some say she's from Mars ♪

♪ Or one of the seven stars that shine After 3:30 in the morning ♪

♪ Well, she isn't! ♪

♪ She came from Planet Claire She came from Planet Claire ♪

♪ She came from Planet Claire ♪

[song concludes]

["The Purple People Eater" playing]

♪ Well I saw the thing Comin' out of the sky ♪

♪ It had one long horn And one big eye ♪

♪ I commenced to shakin' And I said "Ooh-eee" ♪

♪ It looks Like a purple people eater to me ♪

♪ It was a one-eyed, one-horned Flyin' purple people eater ♪

♪ One-eyed, one-horned Flyin' purple people eater ♪

♪ A one-eyed, one-horned Flyin' purple people eater ♪

♪ Sure looks strange to me ♪

♪ One eye? ♪

♪ Well, he came down to earth And he laid in the tree ♪

♪ I said, "Mr. Purple People Eater Don't eat me" ♪

♪ I heard him say in a voice so gruff ♪

♪ "I wouldn't eat you 'Cause you're so tough" ♪

♪ Well, bless my soul, rock and roll Flyin' purple people eater ♪

♪ Pigeon-toed, undergrowed Flyin' purple people eater ♪

♪ I like short shorts ♪

♪ Flying purple people eater What a sight to see ♪

♪ Well, he went on his way And then what do ya know ♪

♪ I saw him last night on a TV show ♪

♪ He was blowing it out A-really knockin' em dead ♪

♪ Playin' rock and roll music Through the horn in his head ♪

[song concludes]

[cheerful music playing]

[gentle music playing]

[music concludes]