Original subtitles

The cockatier.

A man who towers inches above most others.

A man who has devoted himself to preserving sexual freedom throughout

America. And getting lucky with superfine babes whenever he gets the

chance. And who, disguised as cool dude and really macho hunk Rand Milstrom,

fights a never-ending struggle against repressive shitheads as he stands erect

for truth.

justice, and sexual liberation.

It's Sexual Awareness Day in Horndog City, a day where the good citizens take

time from their busy schedules of screwing one another for a buck to pay

homage to and appreciate being in a sexually free society.

It is a day of peace.

And piece of ass, even Rand Milstrom's main squeeze, Wendy Wright, is enjoying

a session of afternoon delight.

And here is my vagina, Gretchen.

As you can see, it's very much like your own.

Is it as sensitive as mine is, Wendy?

Yes, every bit. Would you like to see?

No, I can't. The mistress of the morally correct will never approve.

Oh, Gretchen, don't tell me you're a follower of Felicia Powers.

She's a tight ass.

But the mistress's daily preaching fills me with so much self-worth. Why, I don't

know what I'd be without her.

But what's this?

Not all of the citizens of Horndog City are truly free to enjoy Sexual Awareness

Day.

Has someone interfered with their God-given right to be a free and happy

society of consenting adults?

Who could do such an oppressive thing?

And we don't get to heaven by touching the naughty parts of our bodies. No!

We are meant to toil and to slave our lives away. It is the American way.

It is God's will.

This is Felicia Powers from your moral minority saying, to be spiritually

sound.

sexually pure.

So abstain, my flocks, abstain. And whatever you do, don't rip those dirty

videos. You know the ones I mean.

Eh, cut.

That's a wrap, everybody.

Felice, honey, you were superb.

Deliciously, seductively superb.

Oh, do you really think so, Screwball?

My dear, with the power of this television show...

You will seduce a nation into non-seduction. As they fantasize about

boinking you, they will boink no one else.

Do you think the viewing public is really that stupid that they'd be

blinded by what they see on TV?

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is a top ten rated show, isn't it?

I rest my case.

Stick with me, Felicia.

Soon I will be the richest man in America and you will be the first woman

dictator. Holy evil plots.

It's money-hungry screwball, and he's teamed up with moral minority leader

Felicia Powers.

But how will this affect sweet dear Wendy Wright's afternoon of torrid

pleasure? Surely your mistress of the morally correct wouldn't object to you

pleasing yourself.

Well, I guess that's all right, so long as no one else touches me.

Good. Then you use this vibrator on yourself, and I'll use this one on me. I

won't lay a finger on you.

Now that's more like it. Two citizens enjoying life's little dividends side by

side. Perhaps sexual awareness day can be observed after all, in spite of

Felicia Powers and that evil money-grubbing screwball.

No, I can't. The mistress will find out that I've enjoyed myself too much, and

she will punish me.

No, she won't, Gretchen. The cockatier will protect you from her.

But how can the cockatier be in all places at all times?

How can I depend on him to come when I need him? Never fear, Gretchen.

Wherever a quim is quivering, the cockatier is ready for action.

And he always comes through.

And I hear he comes again and again and again.

Look!

My God, what is that?

A giant silver dildo in the sky?

No, silly.

That's the cockatier.

Oh, boy, I bet he's great in bed.

I only wish I knew who he was, standing naked without that jet pack.

Why don't you just ask that stunt pilot boyfriend of yours? Or that inventor,

Doc O'Hurley?

I thought they claimed to know the cockatier personally.

They do, but they would never tell me who he is.

I'm sure a pretty girl like you could find a way to get the information out of

him. No, they'd never tell me.

They're too afraid that the evil Felicia Powers would try and get the information

out of me.

Boy, he could land in my hangar any day.

That's in the cocktail.

Oh, yeah.

Right here.

But at the other end of town, in room six of the No-Tell Motel, friend and

mentor to the cockatier, Doc O'Herlihy, is having an encounter with a cute

little thing that may not be just what she claims.

I must admit I was quite surprised when you invited me up to your motel room.

But you were so nice to help me with my stalled car. I just wanted to repay you

in some way.

Well, the wine's a good start.

You don't mind, do you?

What do you think?

I think I've had enough wine.

Oh, baby.

Oh,

that feels good.

Got it, okay.

Oh,

that's nice.

Oh, that's nice too.

Very healthy, don't they?

I've done a little checking to make sure.

I'm going to put you down.

I'm going to examine this very closely.

Examine every inch.

Oh, yes.

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby. Letting you live it.

Touch your pussy

Oh, I like fucking you. Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, you are hot.

You are one hot mama's son.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

The uptake of all of me inside of you, yeah.

Oh, ah, ah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

in fucking several languages.

Jesus, they're coming. Is it Andy?

Yes.

Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Come!

Yeah!

Make me wet, baby, come on!

Come! I wanna watch you come!

Yeah!

Fuck! Come on, fuck me, damn it!

Fuck me, baby!

you cleanly.

I know a lot about you, Doc.

I don't say.

But I do.

I could tell you a whole lot more, but you're gonna have to earn it.

Earn it how?

Fuck me again, and I'll tell you the rest.

No problem.

No problem.

What's the matter, Doc?

Problem.

I, uh...

I usually have no problem going the distance, but I guess this is just

temporary.

Don't be so sure.

The wine.

I drugged it with impotence serum.

You what?

That's right, doctor.

You can never be able to play it again.

Felicia Powers put you up to this, didn't she?

The cockatier can't save you now.

Oh, well.

We'll see about that.

Let me save myself.

Holy limp dicks. What kind of sinister plot is this to get the cockatier?

Will Doc O'Herlihy's sorry, shriveled-up little penis actually succeed in drawing

the cape dildo out into the open?

Only time can tell. But meanwhile, back at Doc's laboratory.

Fabulous. Did Doc invent this too?

Sure did, Wendy. He invented everything in this room. And it's actually been

worn by the cockatier?

Sure has.

Twice a day during the week and even more on the weekends sometimes.

Oh, what a man.

And is this his jet pack too?

Well, that's a lot more than just a jet pack, Wendy.

That's actually called a turbo erector.

And when I, well, I mean, when the cockatier pulls this cable right here,

he blasts straight up into the sky with the force of a thousand men, all

ejaculating simultaneously.

Oh, Rand, how exciting.

And I can't think of a better man than you to assist the cockatier.

Oh, Wendy.

Oh, Rand.

Oh, Wendy.

Oh, Rand, you're the only rocket man for me, Rand.

Let me feel your thrusters inside of me now Oh Wendy

Thank you.

Oh boy.

Oh, Wednesday.

What do you know?

Thank you.

Hi. Hi.

I win.

While the lovebirds are gently cooing, would you look at what's going on at the

hideout of Screwball and his evil henchmen?

Everything is proceeding as planned.

Every day, hundreds of Horndog City populace is hypnotized by Felicia's

television transmissions.

Soon. The entire city will be following her evil commands.

Well, I don't get it, boss.

What's that got to do with you?

Because, you numbskull, I am pulling the strings of the woman who is pulling the

strings of everyone else.

Plus, I have enough X-rated footage on her to blackmail her till the cows come

home.

Oh, yeah.

And I've stolen her favorite vibrator.

And I won't give it back until she does what I say.

As you can see, however, by the balls... Yeah, boss.

By the balls.

There. All the cockatier stuff is back on the table and ready for him to use.

And not a moment too soon.

Bad news, gang.

The cockatier's gonna have to save one of his own friends.

Why? What's up, Doc?

The evil Felicia Powers has started a war against sexually liberated adults.

How do you know this?

I haven't heard anything on the news.

I don't need the news. I get my information firsthand.

I was targeted as one of her first victims.

God knows how many others have fallen to her this very day.

Oh, no!

That's terrible!

So how'd she get to you, Doc?

She sent one of her evil followers to seduce me, and then slipped me a dicky

-micky, and now I'm only half the man I used to be.

It's up to the cockatier to avenge me.

You can count on him.

But how do we fight somebody like her?

Especially with that show of hers, the moral minority.

She's already brainwashed a quarter of the nation into blindly following her

beliefs. Which is why we have to stop her from recruiting any more soft-headed

people into following her and bullying her beliefs onto others. She's already

up to dirty tricks.

Why, could you imagine what would happen if she dumped several gallons of that

vile serum into the city's water supply, huh?

Yes. That would be tragic.

So, how do we stop her? What's the plan, Doc?

Well, first of all, we send the lovely Wendy back to the No-Tell Motel to

search for clues.

And then, after that... But as our three do-gooders concoct a plan, that bad,

awful, really naughty Felicia Powers continues to wage war on the sexually

liberated.

Oh, Mistress... That is of all right and correct. Why have you lashed me to this

pulpit? Oh, I have my reasons, my dear.

I hear you've been having close encounters of the male kind, and the

male was Doc O'Herlihy.

Yes, mistress, but you should be happy that I tried your impotence serum on

him, and it worked out brilliantly.

Yeah, and I suppose you babbled about who you worked for?

Yes, mistress.

I always give credit to where credit is due.

All men should be aware of and tremble to your wicked brilliance. Yes, but my

wicked brilliance won't succeed when loose lips are sabotaging my best

efforts, Monica dear.

I've disappointed you.

I'm unworthy to serve you, and I should be cast out.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

You're too pretty to be cast out.

I never cast out my pretty girls.

But... You will have to amuse me twice as much as before, Monica.

And you can begin immediately.

It's lucky for you your beauty still pleases the mistress.

Shut up!

I want to see you, not hear you.

Yes, mistress.

That's good.

Yeah.

How do you taste?

What do you think?

They're nice and they feel nice.

Oh yeah.

Nice boy.

Relax.

Thank you.

Turn around.

Come on.

Come forward.

It's perfect!

Come on, play with yourself, boy.

I want your fingers to slide.

Don't stop.

Don't stop this together.

Oh, please.

Give me your kiss.

Is Mistress pleased with my performance?

Yes, that would be sufficient, but only because I'm in a generous mood.

In spite of your loose lips, Monica, I've made arrangements to outwit Doc

Herlihy and his... boneheaded boner of a caped crusader. As we speak, Screwball

is setting in motion a plan to bring the both to their knees.

But will Felicia's evil plan be a better one than the plan devised by Doc O

'Herlihy and the cockatier? Can we stand the suspense as we wait to see?

Smells normal enough.

And it tastes normal, too.

Screwball! I hope I didn't startle you, my little lovely.

I know you.

I've seen your picture in the paper, where you're a racketeer and a hoodlum,

and you've got your fingers in every dirty mud pie down there in that smelly

inner city.

I'm flattered you know of me.

At your service.

But what are you doing here?

I came here hoping that cockatiel would show up to search for clues.

But you'll do just as well.

For if I have the girlfriend of the cockatier, I have the cockatier. But

what do you mean?

I haven't even met him before.

That's what you think.

Oh, no.

Fair and beautiful Wendy has fallen into the hands of evil Screwball.

But how could the cockatier let this happen?

You'll never get away with this, Screwball.

Making a girl go with someone she detests? Why, that only happens on love

connection.

Anywhere else, it's considered kidnapping.

But you don't detest me, Miss Wright.

In fact, you love me.

Oh, so that's why I get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I look at you?

Just keep looking, my dear.

Soon you will change your mind.

I'll never change my mind.

But that is a very nice dick you have. Isn't it, though?

Watch how the light reflects as it wags back and forth.

Yes.

Notice the way it moves back and forth, to and from, again

and again.

Yes.

That's it, boss. She's out like a light.

That's right.

I don't need you anymore.

I don't want the audience to get out of here. Right.

When I snap my fingers, Wendy, you're going to wake up.

And you will do everything that I say.

But most important, you're going to want to fuck me like you've never fucked

anyone else. Do you understand?

Good. Then wake up.

Oh, screwball.

Do you want me, Wendy?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Oh, oh yeah Wendy.

Almost fell over down your throat.

Who's the best guy?

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh,

yeah, Wendy.

Holly! Holly!

No question about it.

Screwball was in with Felicia.

Do we have the proof yet?

Not yet, but Wendy will come through for us.

Better get into your suit.

I'm ready.

No, wait.

I can't get caught having unauthorized sex.

The bitch will never know. She's on her way to see Screwball right now.

Well, in that case...

Suck it.

Baby,

yeah. Suck it. Suck it.

It's good.

Mmm.

Oh yeah.

I got something in her.

Have your way, Screwball.

I'm going to go to the station to get ready for my greatest broadcast of all.

The one where I tell Cockatier if he wants to see his pretty little

girlfriend alive, he has to turn in his rockets.

You better hurry. The cameras start automatic transmission in ten minutes.

It's plenty of time.

Just make sure she doesn't go anywhere.

How could she go anywhere when she's hypnotized?

Maybe it's because I'm not hypnotized, Screwball.

What? You've been faking it?

I thought women only did that with orgasms.

With their plan fully in motion, the cockatier takes to the sky.

Quit struggling, you little deceitful bitch.

Let go of me.

What is the meaning of this, screwball?

What have you brought this woman here for?

She tricked me.

She deceived me into thinking she was in a hypnotic trance.

You idiot!

You allowed her to trick you and then you bring her here just before I...

Gretchen, take her into the repentance room and tickle her feet till she says

she's sorry.

Take her.

Little bitch.

You took a big chance bringing her here, screwball. What if someone had followed

you? Don't worry. I snuck in through the back.

Besides, I had to see your next broadcast go out live to all of America.

Oh, shit!

Look through that open window.

There's something flying this way.

It's not a silver dildo. It's the cockatier. Watch out! He's coming

straight for us.

The gig is up, evildoer. Hand over Wendy Wright and surrender.

Oh, your demands don't mean anything here, cockatier, unless you call that

monstrosity of a costume bulletproof.

Show him your pistol, screwball.

Gladly, evil mistress.

I'll fill you with holes.

I've been up against bigger dicks than you, clown face.

Yeah, but I bet you've never been up against a bigger dick than me.

Looks like I out-shafted you, cockatier.

You're as useless as all the other men.

Apparently you've never been with the right man, Felicia.

Why don't you take off that dildo and let me show you what I mean? Or maybe

you don't feel woman enough.

I'll show you who's woman enough. Keep the gun on him, screwball.

If I'm not woman enough, you just try to keep from coming. I dare you.

I double dare you. I double dog dare you.

Yeah, go ahead take that evildoer

Yes,

there you go take

that evildoer

You almost have me, evildoer.

That feels really really good. Feels really good.

Oh, she's dropping me out.

Come on, beat me up.

Just stop doing that.

Yeah,

please.

It's really bad.

It's really bad.

Ow.

Yeah, give it to me.

Punish me, punish me.

You're squeezing tight, can you feel it?

yeah yeah yeah

of activity.

It'll do you no good. You're gonna come sooner or later.

Yes. Well, I've been waiting for just the right moment, Felicia.

And it's right about now.

Full of it.

You really are full of it.

Well, evildoer, let me let you in on a little secret.

Just a few minutes ago, your very own camera started rolling.

Why? Because it was the start of your show.

He's right.

My show didn't start just a few minutes ago.

Don't pay him any attention, my faithful audience.

This is just his clumsy plot to deface me.

Give it up, Felicia.

They can see you have mud on your face right now. Or should we say, come on the

face.

And as for this green-headed goof over here, it's plain to see you're involved

with even this weirdo.

I only wanted to rule the world.

Come here, you scoundrel.

Are you okay?

Yes, Rand.

I mean, Cockatier.

Because of what we just saw being broadcast on the TV, these two women

have decided to testify against Felicia.

And by the way, Cockatier, I've decided to give you the antidote to the

impotence serum.

Well, you three young ladies go ahead and keep it. Make sure you take it over

to Doc so he can feel okay.

I've got to stay here. My work is not yet done.

You be careful, Cockatier.

I love you, Rand.

Go ahead and go, girls.

There he is.

Grab him, boys.

You may have ruined my plans and run a moral minority, but you haven't taken me

out of the game yet.

Take those rockets off him, boys. They're mine now.

And with the power of the cockatier's thrusters, I will terrorize Horndog City

from above.

You'll never get away with this, Screwball.

Just wait and see.

Good grief.

Could this be the end for the cockatier?

Will Screwball be the next man to fly, even with his fly up?

Tune in next time, and be sure to watch episode number two.